Authors' Playhouse - Sam Smalls Better Half

N two perl one nick three pull one, say, Molly, some small you do, be a great one not to interrupt me.

Well, Molly, I only wanted to tell you something.

Well, what is it?

Now?

Some mind go on with your knitting, probably worth nothing.

At all to.

Molly.

What now, Sam?

I do think of having a pint of ail?

Pint of ail?

Indeed, well, now what's wrong with that? Molly?

Will you tell me tis every night to pint of ail?

Some Well, Molly, what would the British working man be way out his pint of ail at day's end?

That's something the world never know till one of them tries it?

Oh, Molly, and I don't suppose.

These an't mood for noble experiments.

Well, Molly, so.

For goodness sake away you go down to prob but mulley a where you go, I.

See, I'll get no peace some small till lidoes.

Well, now, Molly, I think that you'd be very kind.

I did think some small, since I'm feeling poorly, that you might have spent one evening at home two pull one.

Well, now I do he looks poorly tonight, Molly, I did so want just a pint of veil. Though it's only eight o'clock. A man's got to have ail once in a while. He's working hard all day. You see, well, Molly, I'll stay to home with I guess.

Two polt one. No, it won't be doing that.

Something, Yes, Molly, I'll stay dome.

And be pestering me the whole evening. Oh no, you won't go along and get your point of ail.

Something small, Molly, you do be a fine girl.

Now.

I'll not be long, you'll not.

I'll gamble some small that you'll not leave that pubroom adnight.

Oh no, Molly, you'll not be home till they chuck you out. Good night, Molly. Isn't that just like a woman's dirty suspicions for thee I'll be back long before choking that time. I will, yes, long afoot chucking that time. I'll show Molly she thinks wrong me most all the time. They are at it again.

I don't care.

They do be having an argument now, but I must remember to get home early. Mully'll be wrong this time.

It is not so Sam small? Look you here, Sam? There for sither week?

He says that it's not so all the local and.

You know what, let's hear what Sam says?

Sam, you tell him? Go on, Sam, tell him, but.

Will tell you you will if anybody ought to know, it will be some small someone.

All right, don't use no how Dan? How done? I come here for a bit of ail and you both jump on me life you're now, Sam, I'll get it for you.

Well, we want to know is our word?

Gaffer said the wick until I drink me ale?

Ah.

Now, gentlemen, I.

Say it's not so. It's just not possible, is it?

Some?

And it says right here that it is so?

Gaffer?

Way, what is what is?

It's this way, samp It says right here in this newspaper. As our doctor thinks this itler Chap.

Has got a.

What ok uh way any all? The word means the split personality.

Thanks, so it can't.

Be ah, he means skitz so perennial, don't you oko?

Huh?

What's that?

Sam?

See you don't know what you're talking about?

Sh sh shit, it's so perennial, Gaffer, Yeah, it ain't so is it something? Well? Now I've seen two personalities.

It was in a movie picture.

Once one was come the other scision at.

This sision, what kind of a decision, Gaffer.

I've decided that if you mean to stand there and tell me your chap can divide into the But it says.

Right here, gaffer, can't you read?

And what I see is at a human and just as human, some smaller tell you no man can split in two, or even a German morey local.

Now the here, Gaffer. You've heard of twins, haven't you. I have some small But what twins can happen? Then happen this here skitz so perennials like that only a chapter comes twins after his bon instead of before you now on, see, gaffer, nonsense and why nonsense?

Gaffer, I'd have heard of it.

I'm the oldest chap here.

I never heard of that happen.

But it's only just come out like gaffer, Hi, that's it.

I still don't believe a chap can split in two.

Now, lessen, gaffer. You see it's like this skits so perennial means that a man has two personalities another smally local, gaffer? Will you understand me for the last time.

I still say a man is one man. He can't be two men.

Well, I'm gentlemen, what o'cle midnight I'm got to close up, you.

Know, midnight? Go you gaff are you and your thick head comes more?

Yea?

Here it is twelve and after me I joined with that duby gaffer all night. Moll'll think they took me to close up again? Oh me, I was so sure i'd leave early. What'll I tell Molly? I'll tell her I left early and walked them lazy like happens. You'll believe that. But I must hurry him now. Certainly is dark like that, It is scarcely can see a thing. But come, I must have bumped into that lamp post there. Oh ma, oh, Then it wasn't the lamp post I bumped into. It must have been him over there. So

Six or one and half?

Doesn't it?

The lad don't argue with me? Give us a hand up?

How about you giving me hand up?

Why I never met such a nasty or obliging chat. But come, I have no time to argue with you, neither of our My wife's poorly, and I promised to be young before chucking that time. And here I am.

Here, swiller.

If your wife's poorly.

Why doesn't you sit home with her?

Well? You see me and the lad's got tag. You're in a bad discits so perennial thing.

You should have been home with your wife.

Say you are you anyhow? Why let's have a look at you.

Well, I'm blooming imposter.

I've got you, imposter.

Imposster yourself. I'm Samuel Small.

You lie, I'm Sam Small.

Now, don't contradict me. Look at me and see if I don't look like Samuel Small.

Let me see.

My goom. So you does? Well? Now you see for yourself.

Don't go mixing me all up where you'll love me so conflumixed? I want no why to think?

Oh the one what mixes things up?

How can you prove your sam Small?

Well?

Well, I have a wife whose name is Morley, so have I. And I have a daughter who's all away in Yankee Land. Saw me too, She's went to a young chap of the earl.

I'll be jiggered. I see he is a very clever impostor.

Indeed, but I'm not the imposter you are.

At least he's looked upon my background. Oh wow, but you slipped up on one thing. I know what I'll touch thee. Ah. There see that.

Watch, Ah, it'd be a gold watch.

Aye, it do be gold. And there read that what's written on the case To Sam Small, I know it by art. It reads to Sam Small from his loyal wife Melicent on their wedding day. Now see, well all be jigged.

He look my watcher exactly the same to.

Sam Small from his loyal wife Melissa.

Who see now what you're saying?

Oh, by Gom, I am in trouble.

Hi, yeah, in trouble.

I must have done somewhat wrong. And here I stand, not knowing whether I'm.

Me or you and me or I am you, or whether us is both we?

Why that said?

What's it?

We're both me, both of us, both of us? Are you to be sure?

It's skits so perennial skits soper sure and me personality split wide open, just like Gaffer and he was arguing down at the pub.

Will what I've become too on us?

Will barkum think of that now? But but what canus do about it?

Luke? This is a very important happening, lad We've got to go careful about it, we do, Aye, this needs proper discussion. Now for the sake of getting it straight a bit. Suppose I call you Samuel and you call me Sam. I see you're Sam and you were Samuel right right now? Listen, Samuel. If we handle this carefully, there's a fortune in it. For instance, doctors in such with scientific curiosity, why they'd pay a right lot of brass to meet a couple of chaps like us.

Those doctors wouldn't they?

I don't care for doctor.

Sam Why don't you care for doctors?

Well?

Up?

And then they'd want to operate on us.

Aye, I don't care for them either, come to think. And but happened we could get a tent and travel around the county fairs. We'd been champion curiosities. What people appear chilling to see us?

Nay, I'd objective being a freak like.

Nay, Samuel. That is not wrong with making a little honest brass lad. And while I'm not got it all worked out yet, this brass in the general idea.

Ah, but it's getting late, Sam whose can't stay out here all night?

Well whilst he.

Works it up, why not?

Well there's money waiting up for me at home.

Sam, Well, we can't go on, not two of us Samuel, that's all.

But one could stay out here tonight and puzzle out what's best to do toother can go home and say not.

To money happened.

We could do that, Samuel.

It won't be cold sleeping out here for your Sam. And in the morning I can sleep out and then bring you a few lick tea.

Out down a bit. I don't like that idea. You going on to my wife?

Why not? Sam?

It ain't moral, that's what Samuel.

What's some since she explained to me that we're both onelike because of this here schizophreennial. Why then when I go home it's really you do what goes on?

Well, I'm not.

Sure about that, Nah, Be sensible, Sam.

One of us has got to take a back seat for a while till we gets this thing all figured out.

That do be true, Samuel, Well, why don't.

You go away for a few days and we'll both put a thinking.

Caps on, Sam, me go away. You'd enjoy a trip, wouldn't you, Sam, Well, you'd have.

Anything you'd want to eat, Sam, And that not the mully told your back at all?

Sam. You can go any way you wants to go.

Ah, that I could, eh, But It's sad in all to think of a man giving up the rightful comfort of his hearth and home. Watch your man go and forth, the uncherished wanderer on the face of the earth, as you might say, But for the sake of Mulley and a peace of mind, I make the sacrifice. Good Bye where you're going, Why, I'll cut across the moor and be and Bradley. Come on. Then I'll drop in the bank and get a little cash.

Here. Be careful with.

My savings account, some our savings, Samuel, and my lad, there's some widerable burn.

Expect me when you see me. Keep the own fires burning, Samuel.

Blackpoole by, come, that's near the sea. I leave what I choose myself. There'll be gay people at the town of Blackpool. I'll have me a good holaday, I will. I want a platter, oh, platter of fried fish, and some peace pudding, and some of the best ail you got in the house. And and give me some of the best ail in the house the best day. That will be right, huh. I'll have this cane here, No, not that stick, give me that one with a gold sort of top. Man's got to have a good walking stick.

Man.

Yes, what's a matter of mister? You took a bit too much.

I've cot to cold.

Maybe that laugh half mine I told you was what tune it?

I tell you I've got to cold.

I'm more likely it's something you put in your stomach.

Now are you selling summer? Oh? If I weren't sick when I come here in this pube, I am now.

And you should have your old woman fix you up a mastered football.

I don't want a foot bath. Molly gives me that rum and treacle.

Well, I ain't selling no rum to the likes of you.

Come.

I should have known better and to expect either sense or pity in the town of.

Blackpool, Yorkshire. That's done it.

That's the final insult. First thing in the morning, my phone to Molly.

Samuel, Samuel.

Oh it's you, sam be me Samuel, and you had a good time, sam I.

Do feel that miserable Samuel. I've cut the cold in my back. Where have you been?

Oh?

I was just out for a walk going into Darsnow, well he's waiting for me. Been to the No, Sam, I never drink now, I was all just as small back smoke bothers Molly.

It does, Oh, it does?

What's wrong?

Sam'll never read what's wrong? I've just decided it behid time I come back home and took me rightful and proper place beside me. White your jude much some I thought.

You wanted to go away and have a fling.

Well I've had med fling. I've flung. Now it's your turn to go away, Samuel.

Oh no, Sam, I'm not comfortable. I stay all evenings with Molly.

You do, and I'm my wife.

Oh wi, Remember we be two people in one skits so perennial.

You know, skits so perennial. Now don't conflumet me. You've had a comfortable week, Samuel. Now it's my turn go away for a business.

It's some you're the one that likes to go away. I'm the one that likes to stay all by.

Come do I have to stand here to argue with me? Look, I'm hungry. I've not had my tea yet and I've cut the cold. Now up along, Samuel, like a good chat, not me some then I'll go into and.

I've fully find awesome. Nay, I'll not upset.

To like that.

Now look here, Samuel. If I know Molly, she's off to find out sooner or later, so might's well be sooner then I can have Matie.

I'll tell you some your cart upset mullet.

Hey, hey, wait a minute.

Now I'll have McKay there.

You can't do that to away some.

Come back here.

Now, just up.

The steps, come here, don't that? Yes I will, Oh, no, yes, I want Matia. I tell you what's up now?

Oh?

Two of you? Oh gets in the ouster for anyone sees. Oh, I never did see the light.

In Molly.

The no, no, what trick you're playing on me?

Some?

Whichever one on you is some small we both amily just think you never told me?

Yeah, the twindle, the summons, but one here some And when I find out which one of you is some, he's up to which he'd never been born.

Lord Moly, we're both us, that is, we're both me.

What do you mean?

Well? Last week you see I ran into a lamp or something awful, lad, and well expect my personality it did he What.

Is it you're telling me? The poor sun split in two?

Now, Moly, it's a case of schizophrenial that's all.

We'll be two persons. But bother us is some small.

Well if it happened last week, well, oh oh, I've.

Been with you and thee Sam's being to down a blackpool scalliwag.

Now I see which one is?

Some small di me? So now we'd go gallivanting around and leave the two wife.

We are stranger, Molly, don't be angry.

Hasn't it been better were him away? Haven't I stayed home all week and not.

Got a bitter?

You've been so kind and considerate. You must be something wrong. I We're too happy for it be.

True, Molly small you mean have you really been so happy with we young man whilst I've been away.

Some small I've never been so cherished in all my born days. It's been the best week of my married life.

I see. Well, somehow there ain't much for a chat to say when he finds out he's failed, is there? What I mean is twelve I'd be a poor man to stand in the way of my wife's happiness. So goodbye and good luck Molly.

You see, Sam, I told you I were the man to make Molley happy.

Old John Sam, come back here, what Molly, I've got someone to say to all this. If this be true, this year's split personality business, what Joys has got to do is think it out, ah.

What us has done all the thinking us can think? Why could we all stay here?

Me live with two husbands?

Big me, but we're.

Both Sam small? Really money?

Hi too?

One husband sits up any We know that because we be open minded. But I'm afraid the British law hasn't caught up with such modern things. They'll conclude two husbands is too nor mistake.

Oh Dan, either church wedding, we're only one man?

Then one's married. Tone, that's not that's against the law. Now, don't interrupt. Well I've decided. My mother always used to say, well in dougs, go to sleep.

So Sam, no, I'm.

After bed and go to sleep, and you too are outside.

But look here, I don't like do I?

But you doubled yourself without my health. Happen your best sources out on the same rod likewise without my health? Come on, get along with you don't and don't come back. Walk till there's not but money.

We'd best take a walk and think some more, Samuel, eyes and stick close to me. I want no tricks from you. I've not ad matia.

Have you sought it out?

Sam, Look, I'm fair sick at death of the now be quiet. It'd be the lamp post where we first met.

Ai, Sam were bumped out. We did, and that's what made us two people.

It did that, it did.

I had bump split us into two, may up another.

I'd bona rook, Sam, if you had stayed in black.

Now you look, Samuel, my lad, I didn't stay in Blackpool. I'm right here.

Come. Samuel's murdered in your head. You're already right.

Eye has come, Samuel. Put up your jokes like a Yorksman.

But but I don't like bro I'll teach you.

I like it. And the Good Book says, if you're slapped on one, take turned to other.

There's no instructions what to do when that one gets slapped too. If that means a chap has to use his own judgment, saw, y're right.

To my ten.

Next year, he's in my right spots.

I let him have one.

A good one.

Next time he's in the right spot, I let him my po a good one.

No, Molly, here.

Sam yeah, carry him in here there don't know so of for please misstrugle.

He do me? Everybody?

What's happened to lad this time? The strugle po Sam?

All I know is he was uguing with Gamper, sister. We call evening.

Come time to took him out.

Sam here ran out like a street but too much.

Someone must have thought with him.

No, Molly, he was a lion next to the lampost when I come by, happening might get into that lap.

Poor some ins suory to get home. Well, mister Rocle is breathing. Guess you go through? We will?

Can I do what.

Moremy No, mister Rucle, just shoot dough when you go with you would all right?

Poor Sam too much? Some in trouble again, n Molly, I'm not drunk, of course, not some. I killed him, Molly, who killed you?

Some?

Samuel?

Samuel?

Samuel lou Oh, then you forget Samuel, you forgive us.

Forget to forgive a somewhat tails You get.

So perennial, don't you remember, Molly, Samuel and me why you said, I.

Only said you did not get home before tooking out time.

Some Well.

Ah, well, Molly, you'd be the best wife of the world. No, sir, I'm never going down to this bread eagle anymore. I'll be staying Norman read here while you're.

Nit evan forbid. I'd never have a moment's peace Samuel's galloway.

I was like, yes you are, mm Hmmmullia, I'm determined from now one, I'm up to be more like Samuel. He's really my better ras.

Nay, you got no but one better raft and that's me. Come on now, bumping it to lamppost.

You have heard Eric Knight short story Cess Mall's Better Half, especially adapted for radio by Vernon Olsen and directed by Charles Urkhard Sam and Samuel Small were played by Charles.

Penman and Herb Butterfield.

The original musical score was written and conducted by Roy Shield.