@DrWendyWalsh is talking the relationship with Simone Biles and her estranged mother. (09/01) Hour 1

two weeks of homework to do. Okay, get those chapters read. But I am a little bit obsessed with the science of relationships. My dissertation was on attachment theory. And in the news this week is the fact that Olympian Simone Bile's birth mother, Shannon, is now talking to the media and saying that she wants to have a relationship with her daughter. She was not at the Paris Olympics. Shannon was four thousand miles away. She basically is living, as she calls it, in a world of hurt, feeling like

she's been rejected by her daughter. If you don't know the backstory. Simone or Shannon. The mother lost custody of Simone and her sister into foster care when Simone was just three years old, and then she and her sister were eventually adopted by their grandfather, Shannon's dad. But Force hold the fort here. There's also two other kids that were adopted by their aunt, so that would be Shannon

the mom's sister. But in total, but Shannon the mother, who struggled with addiction for years, actually has a total of eight children, so it's not clear who raised some of them or botht of them, but we know that four of them at least were raised by her father and her sister, one of those being Simone Biles. They have not talked, they have not seen each other. The Apparently the birth mom gets news of Simone over the years through her dad, but her dad says it wasn't

healthy for her to be in touch. So Simone biles mother, instead of calling her daughter or writing a letter, calls the Daily Mail and this is what she told them. I want to let her know that I love her. I'm very proud of her, you know, but I'm just still waiting, you know.

So this is very very common. Now, let's talk about who is more likely to be estranged from a family member. One study found that six percent of respondents reported estrangement from their mother, while twenty six percent reported estrangement from their father. So more often people are rejecting a father. Also, white adult sons, they're the ones more likely to be

given the cold shoulder and not talking to mom. Black sons and daughters in this particular study were both more likely to be estranged from their fathers and less likely to be estranged from their mothers. Now Also, members of the LGBTQ plus community were more likely to be estranged from their fathers than their heterosexual appears. Fully, thirty two percent of gay or lesbian adult children thirty six percent of bisexual adult children have reported estrangement from their fathers. Okay,

so why what does the research say? What are the most common reasons that people are just saying that's it, you're not allowed in my life. The most common reasons cited in the research have to do with abuse, and that abuse could be emotional, physical, or sexual. In the case of LGBTQ plus children, it is about coming out to their religious parents.

followed by periods of reconciliation. So how do you reconcile? Well, according to therapists, it's all about helping the parent take responsibility. Some therapists work with parents to help them write a letter to the child that they have wronged. They want the parent to be able to say things like, it's clear I have some significant blind spots as a person and a parent, and I don't have a better understanding of what caused this, or maybe the parent can simply

say I'm sorry I let you down. Simone Bile's mother, I don't know if she's ready to say this, if she's written a letter, if she's done anything to try to contact Simone. But if you look at just her interview, it implies that she's just waiting for the phone call from her daughter, and I think it should come the other way around. I do want to say that not

every relationship needs to be reconciled. You know, friends are the family you choose, and working with a licensed therapist who's empathetic can help you get reparented, get the love and the warmth and acceptance that you might have missed out on in childhood. I'm very sorry if any of you are going through this, Kayla. We should try to get Simone Bile's mother, Shannon on the show because she seems to be wanting to do media, because I'm really curious to know if she's reached out to her. Yes,

I'm definitely going to be working on that. Okay, great, all right, when we come back, guess what are teenagers? Their mental health are finally starting to get better. I'm noticing it in the college classroom. By the way, let me explain when we get back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on k I AM six meters already live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

We were so worried. But I remember during COVID. When I say COVID, I mean when we were on lockdown and we were doing our radio shows from our kitchen table. I had a psychiatrist on the show and she predicted something very interesting. She predicted that the younger kids not only would be least impacted by going on zoom and being stuck at home, but that they might benefit from it. And I'm thinking, like, what do you mean? Now? What you should know is there's a huge range of developmental

milestones intellectually with kids. It's not that one is smarter than the other when they're five or six years old. Some of them just aren't ready yet. In fact, there is a whole school of thought amongst the homeschool moms that you shouldn't even begin to teach a kid how to read until age seven or eight. So if there is a kid who's younger and who's reading they could easily be doing that and the other ones by the

time they get back in the classroom. They're now all being taught together at the same time and everybody's ready. So you could say that for many kids, that the younger ones I'm talking about kindergarten, first, second, third grade, I think third grade, second and third of the big reading years, right, that it might not be so much of a problem. But the other thing the psychiatrist said which really hit home for me, is that younger children

need more than anything their parents. They need to have a secure attachment, they need to have consistent caregivers. They need to have people around them at home, a tribe not shuttled around to day carees and schools and after school programs and just moved around while parents worked. And this psychiatrist, I think it was doctor Eva Ritfoe from Miami, said that many of these young children would hugely benefit. So we also know that teenagers probably wouldn't do well.

You know what I say to Mike, I have been saying, We've been back in the classroom for what two years now or something two and a half years. I can't keep track. It's like Rip Van Winkle Town with this COVID time, but I always ask them every year, can you remind me what years were you on zoom? Like, what school years did you miss out on? And at the beginning, of course, they would say eleventh and twelfth.

Then they started to say tenth and eleventh, and then they started to say ninth and tenth, right, And I could see that those students had lost a lot socially. My joke, it's just a joke, folks, but it makes the students laugh that I say every year, wait a minute, you were supposed to be out kissing boys and smoking weed. What were you doing sitting in your room scrolling through social media? That's not good for your mental health, right, And they all laugh. I noticed that those students soon

after COVID had social issues. They were extremely shy, They had a lot of social anxiety. I would put them into discussion groups. I'd step out to go to the bathroom and come back and the whole group would just be staring at their phones. It was silence in a discussion group. Right. Well, I'm really excited to tell you that I taught last week two different classes of freshmen, and again I said, what year were you guys on zoom, and they all said eighth grade. And I'm like eighth grade.

And these kids didn't seem to be as mentally impacted as the other ones. So maybe doctor Eva Ritvau was right. The younger the better because they're home, or they're still their primary attachment figures, are still their family of origin. Right. Anyway, it was a delight to teach all you guys, if you're listening. We broke into discussion groups. I had to calm everybody down. The room got so loud. Isn't that great? They were all talking to each other. This is, you know,

my little non endorsed analytical study. It's just me. Okay, nothing official about that study, but I feel I'm feeling it all right, So let me tell you this. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention released to report this week that says that young people are faring better in their mental health in the past few years after a period of increased sadness and hopelessness. This is what I

have been witnessing. The data released last week showed a two percent decrease from twenty one to twenty three in high school students reporting they felt sad or hopeless. That meant it dropped from oh I'm sorry forty two percent to forty percent. I'm sorry, teenagers, forty percent of you are still feeling sad and hopeless. I want to say something.

Can we normalize sadness amongst teenagers? I remember locking myself in the bathroom with those rushes of hormones when I was fifteen years old and just crying for no reason and being so confused about it. I think depression is a normal part of I don't know, maybe not. Anyway, this study showed that the most meaningful improvements were among

marginalized groups. Now, you got to remember it wasn't so long long ago that the US Surgeon General issued a health advisory that highlighted the impact of social media and isolation on young people as well. But I think we are seeing an increase in mental health partly because of the return to in class learning and also the return to all those extracurricular activities, all the sports and clubs

and everything. This is what improves mental health. I want to remind you across the board the number one thing. It's not what you eat, it's not how you exercise, it's not how you sleep. All that's important, but The number one thing above all of those that improves our mental health are healthy social relationships. It's people, and it's about being around people that is good for our health.

And I think the kids are finally out there. I do want to say that looking at some of the other research that's come out, kids with an above average household income said the pandemic had a positive impact on family relationships. However, that was about sixty four percent. Only thirty four percent of kids with a below average household income experienced a positive impact of family relationships. Duh, because

the parents were still working. We're talking about essential workers who were still out there working by the hour and coming home stressed because they were in masks and gloves and face shields and dealing with cantankerous, anxiety ridden customers.

with our economic situation. The research shows that people who are below the poverty liner in living in poverty and then move into the middle class get the biggest boost in happiness related to economics. However, people who move from the middle class to the upper middle class or the upper middle class into the healthy don't get a new boost of happiness. Think about it. Now, they have to

keep up with the Joneses. Now, it's very competitive. They have to worry about their image right, and they have to worry about paying for all those bills. In fact, there's research to show that it is the upper middle class who are most unhappy when it comes to social class consciousness because they're pretending they're rich and they have a lot of big bills to keep up that thing anyway. Bigger point here is that forty percent of happiness is all about us, what we do and what we think.

A new book out by doctor Jenny Taits at UCLA is called Stress Resets, How to Sue Your Body and Mind in Minutes, and she has a prescription for how all of us can learn to strengthen our happiness muscle, and some of it has some very interesting exercises in it. So one of the things she suggests is simply to plan a happy activity every day and don't put it off.

Make it a priority on your schedule. Right. So it might be something like, you know, treating yourself to a favorite snack, taking a break to read a few pages of a juicy novel you've wanted to read, facetiming a friend.

For me, it's often like if I'm working at my computer at home and I'm feeling like I'm not getting enough bright sunlight, my happy thing is always to just go outside for a brisk walk in the bright sunlight, and that's my treat and I do it when I hit on things like hit numbers on my to do list, right, I always make sure there's a reward in it for me. The other thing is we have to learn to become more aware of the good things that happen and take

time to focus on them. Great example, as you know, and I'll keep talking about it for an entire year, right right, Kayla, I can talk about it for a whole year. That's what I say. Okay, I got married a few weeks ago. And there is a tendency things happened with weddings. Right. A friend of mine warned me about this. She goes there will be people who will say yes, yess, I'm coming at the last minute, don't come, and there could be very legitimate reasons why they don't come,

and you can feel very disappointed. There can be people who leave early. They can be all kinds of things that happen, and it's really easy to focus on the letdowns. But every time Julio says something like oh I wish my friend so and so could have made it and they were working or something, I always say, don't spend one second talking about what wasn't at our wedding or who wasn't at our wedding. Only focus on who was at our wedding, like producer Kayla for instance, who was

there like the whole time. In fact, she was there an extra day and night because her plane got canceled, so we had a treat of getting to have her at our house for I had to treat that farm is to die for. It was amazing that we got to keep you for an extra day and spend that time together. One of the other things that doctor Tates, I hope I pronounced it way right. It's t ai t z sure sounds like Tates to me. Doctor Tates suggests is that we work hard to expand our joy vocabulary.

Many of us struggle to give names to good feelings. We'll say fine, or that's good or that's great. But how about that you learn to use greater emotional language when it comes to positivity, like oh my god, I went on this walk it felt so serene. Or I was listening to music in my earphones and it just I felt so elated. It was exhilarating when I hit that cold water and went for a swim. Oh, I was so delighted when he called. You know, whenever I

talked to you, it inspires me so much. You hear those words serene, exhilarated, delighted, inspired, Those are really cool positivity words, and we need to practice them and insert them, insert them into our vocabulary more often. But here's the other thing. You know what people say to you, how's it going, How's your day going? Right, even if it's

the cashier at Trader Joe's. I fully am convinced by the way that they give all their employees before hiring a Meyers Briggs personality test, and they only hire extroverts. Have you ever met a cashier at Trader's Joe's who does not chit chat chit chat chit chat And they'll see something in your bag and go, you know what I do with that? I like to mix it with this other sauce and put it over pasta. You have you tried our little and they're upselling you while they're

standing there. But it's fun because you're having this great conversation. So the next time somebody, it may be the Trader Joe's cashier or maybe somebody else, says how's your day going? Instead of saying good things are all right, how about spread the cheer and say, actually, the coolest thing happened today. Do you know how you're going to be able to respond quickly with the coolest thing happened today, You're going to record them in your head as they happened. That

means becoming more aware of the good in life. So much of life is just where we put our attention, what we're focusing on. Here's my favorite example of this. Let's say you've decided you're going to buy a new car. You've decided to make modeling color. You just haven't had a chance to go in and get the financing and go to the dealer, but you know you're going to

get this car. Do you notice, once you've decided on this happy little car that you're going to get, every time you pull up to a red light, there it is there, it is someone's driving it. It's right there. But you see it everywhere because you've brought your attention to that idea. So if you spend your day catching others being good, catching yourself feeling good, looking at the

world around you, and going that is so neat. I'm so lucky to be here to see this right, And I promise you those little moments are in your day, all day long. That is how you strengthen your happiness muscle. Hey, when we come back, can we talk about the Bachelor? And there's a specific Bachelor. Did you know, producer Kayla that the Bachelor is in thirty seven countries. I did

not know that it's very popular. Uh huh. Well, there's a bachelor in the Ukraine that crashed the whole Bachelor website because so many women tried to sign up to meet him.

emotional intimacy. And when you've got cameras around you and a makeup team, it's not really real if you don't know what The Bachelor is. Of course, it's a relationship reality TV show where you get one dude and a whole bunch of bachelorettes and vying for him to choose one of them. This also defies basic human nature because the Bachelorette is far more realistic, where there are a bunch of men vying to impress one woman who eventually might share her bloodstream and her eggs and her heart

and her love, maybe some of her saliva. No, that happens during the show. That's wild. Okay, So there have been so many spin offs from this show I mentioned the Bachelorette. There's also something called the Bachelor Pad, Bachelor in Paradise, Bachelor in Paradise After Paradise. Oh, that sounds more realistic. The Bachelor, Winter Games, The Bachelor Presents, Listen to Your Heart, The Bachelor, Greatest Seasons Ever, The Golden Bachelor,

The Golden Bachelorette. By the way, I was right, Kayla. Remember the one Joan who looked the youngest out of all the women on The Golden Bachelor. Yeah, you said she was gonna win, right. She got the sympathy vote because she left the show to go take care of her daughter who had just given birth. Right, And I said in Ano, there's something in a contract. Something's going on, right, Remember at the talent contest she didn't really have a

good talent and didn't like doing that or whatever. She's the new bachelorette really, oh wow, So they knew, like, let's just put her on the sideline so she won't make any mistakes and they'll all love her and she'll get the compassion vote. Because I almost feel they did this to Kamala Harris. They said they gave her no prassa as a vice president so she wouldn't make any mistakes. And now all of a sudden, oh oh, it's a

new Bachelorette. I will say you you called it. You called it with the BA with the Bulger Bachelor for sure, Okay, and now she's a new bachelorette anyway, but I digress. The Bachelor franchise is in thirty seven countries and about to launch. Well it's been in the Ukraine for a while. Wow, a new episode starring a bachelor named, let's see if I can say it correctly, Alexander Budko. He's twenty six years old. He was working as a barista at a

restaurant in Kiev. He's a student of graphic designs. His dreams were pretty down to earth. He just wanted to travel, discover the world, and grow professionally. He also hoped someday to start a family. And yes, he's darn good looking. Well, when they announced that he was going to be the Bachelor, let me say his name again, don't forget it. Alexander Buko. Oh, it's like Alexander but with an Oh. Alexander Budko twenty

six years old. When the producers announced that he was going to be the next bachelor on the Ukrainian version of The Bachelor, literally millions of women went to their computers to apply to be one of the women vying to win the hand of the bachelor, and it crashed the entire computer system. Okay, before I tell you one of the many reasons why I know a guy who makes coffee for a living a barista, Right, was he that gorgeous? I mean, he's good looking. I'm going to

quote some other research. So there's been research done on what men could or should put in their dating profiles that get the most swipes. And this particular study was done in the UK, and in the UK they found they made up a whole bunch of fake profiles. Sorry, ladies, just the researchers did just to see if they were getting hits or not, and they tried them different ways, like I'll put this same picture, but I'll say this about myself, same picture, but I'll say this about the guy.

And they found that the number one thing that was causing swipe rights that means I like you, I want to get together with you was military service. Now here's the craziest thing. Even somebody in the military who had a desk job as an accountant and never saw a warzone, he got more swipes than the dude who worked in advertising or whatever. Now, evolutionary psychologists like to analyze this. They like to figure out why is it that women

are so into military service. And I've actually seen dating profiles with guys full on in fatigues holding machine guns. It terrifies the heck out of me. I would not click on that at all, maybe because I know that, Okay, they can be our protectors, and that's what I think women are going for. They could be nice protectors, tough guys, high testosterone isn't that great. But they can also be a murderer. I'm sorry. If a woman dies, she's more likely to be offed by hermantic partner. So it goes

both ways, all right, So as you can guess. In the Ukraine, Alexandra Bhutko in twenty twenty two, when the Russian forces began to invade, he was one of the first ones to volunteer to join the military. His unit was also one of the first ones to be attacked. Two years ago, Alexander's life was turned upside down. He was stationed near I'm gonna say all the names wrong i Islium isiam izi yu am Isium, an occupied city

on the front lines of the Russian advance. It was invaded in the early days of the war and used by Russia as a key military hub. So he was seriously injured while he was defending a Ukrainian position. His quote says, I felt the earth shift onto me. I felt a terrible pain my legs, and I realized that it would mean the amputation of both my legs. I screamed from horrific pain and shouted for people to hear me. They found him amongst the ruins at the time they

found him among four hundred bodies around him. He survived, and yes, he had his legs amputated. He has now become a proponent, a spokesman for amputees. For the disabled. He moved from a wheelchair to having prosthetics. He learned that Kiev and many other cities in Ukraine are not accessible for people with disabilities. So he's fighting to, you know, find ways to have ramps and less cobblestones and all

those things. You know. I was visiting my daughter in Paris in January and all I kept thinking is we're going up all all those stairs in the Metros. Is how do people with disabilities get around Paris? And She's like, I don't know, Like, honestly, I don't know. So anyway, he has also been named the Bachelor and millions of women are vying to get his proposal. Isn't that exciting? Caleb?

He's good looking. You shall love that story, Alexandra Boutco. Okay, when we come back, I am going to be going to social media and taking your relationship questions. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty with live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Waals. You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app