@DrWendyWalsh is talking dealing with election grief. (11/10) Hour 1

And you know, I am both America and Canadian, and I'm always trying to compare the two systems, and I'm always trying to figure out certain systems. By the way, I didn't know, Okay, I've lived here for a few decades. I did not know that January twentieth was not President's Day. I kept calling it President's Day because I got a weekend plan with a bunch of girlfriends. I said, well, see you on President's Day and they said, isn't that MLK Day? And I'm like, oh, but it's the inauguration day.

Isn't that President's Day. Apparently that's where the Canadian and me comes through. But one of the things I seem to be learning and what people keep telling me, is that the states have far more impact on our actual lives, day to day lives than the federal government, just saying. And in California, we tend to, you know, have policies that I think we're all going to be Okay, Okay, I just want to say that. So let me tell you what what's coming up in the show. As you know,

I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But I love to educate people about everything that I've learned in my life and in psychology school. Let's talk about on tonight's show, how to communicate your feelings post election, maybe to the other side, how to deal with your grief, if you're feeling some grief, how to not gloat if you're gloating. And then let's get

into the relationship stuff. Some new dating trends for gen Z as well as why women some women are swearing off sex and some men are supporting rape culture in response. Plus I'll be answering your social media questions. All right, let's get to the election thing. So there is a term called ambiguous loss. It was coined by doctor Pauline Boss.

She's professor now emeritus Emeritus Emeritus Professor at the University of Minnesota, spent forty five years as a psychotherapist, and back in the nineteen seventies she coined the term ambigulous ambiguous loss when she was working with wives of soldiers who are missing in action because there's no body, there's no real loss. Are they alive or dead? Are they coming back? Are they not? You're ambiguous about this grief, right do Are

you a widow? Are you not? Right? So we know that grief is the feeling we have after loss, but you have to be attached to something that you lose, and grief is so much easier if it's clear. Sorry to say death, you know, well, bankruptcy, loss of all your money, things that are quantified, things that are proven. Right, then we understand it. But according to doctor Pauline Boss, there are kinds of losses that are ambiguous, an abstract loss.

Maybe maybe you're feeling that you've lost hopes and dreams. Maybe you've lost a sense of certainty about the future. Maybe you have a sense of loss about trust in the world as a safe place, maybe the loss of feelings of freedom over your own body, or maybe the loss of support for people have lesser means than the rest of us do. I'm going to say this again. You have the loss of support for people who have

lesser means. And the reason why I wanted to say that again is because there is a belief system among many people, especially in California, who believe that, as one economist in the New York Times said, American voters shot themselves in the head to try to get rid of a headache. We worry for the working class. I worry for union workers who may have that support taken away all of a sudden. Mister you're fired, might actually do that and tell every all all your employers to do that.

All right, So we have this ambiguous feeling of loss. We can't put our fingers on it, but we know. I mean, I don't like how politics has become identity politics, like you're supposed to wear the shirt, you're supposed to wear the hat. You know. It used to be that politics was something and voting was something that you did in private, quietly, and it was a behavior. It was something you did. It wasn't I am a Finish that sentence, however you want. I am a conservative, I am a liberal,

I am a Republican. I am a Democrat. Now that's how we talk instead of I vote that way. And this is the biggest problem in America as far as I'm concerned. You should know, I actually have luxury of living in two different places. And one place is very very very liberal, and the other place is a rural area that is very very very red. And there's no difference between my neighbors, no difference between my friends and

neighbors at all. They're just humans. They're raising kids. They want to eat healthy food, they'd like clean air, they'd like clean water, they'd like their streets to feel safe, and they want to feel protected. What we share together is so much more important, so if you are feeling this ambiguous loss, what do you do about it? Well, first of all, don't run away from uncomfortable feelings. My motto in life has always been all feelings are welcome.

Normalize your anger and your sadness. It's not a pathology. If emotions are scary, just wait, just let them be. It'll change right. And also, don't rush things. Take time, be patient with yourself. If you're feeling angry and sad, you are grieving right now. The biggest thing you can do is take control of something you know. In the very short term, what do you have control of? In the last week, I spent a lot of time doing

yard work. I am really good with a weed whacker, just to let you know, and alonmore and pruning everything you can possibly prune. And so I just focused on what I could control, my house, my home, my family. I also exercised a lot, go running, listen to music, go to a movie, connect with people, call a friend. And finally, I just want to say, don't get over it. Remember when we have a loss, when we have grief, it'll turn into sadness and it will never actually go away.

It will be there and you'll learn to live with it as your friend. For those of you who may have lost a spouse, you know you never really get over it. It's just there, right, I just learned to tolerate it, produce a Kayla. There's a wonderful scale we should put it actually on the Doctor Wendy website, called the Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. When we come back, I'll explain what that is. And it's an interesting test you can take as well how we can communicate better together,

especially if your team lost. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

than the needs of urban people. Interesting enough, if you are more likely to be hardcore, like I believe the far left and the far right are the same person by the way, which is, they tend to be rigid, stringent, and think in a very black or white way. You know. Soon after World War Two, a famous philosopher named Theodore Adorno, in response to not sism, created a scale called the Tolerance for Ambiguity Scale. And this is a sixteen question test. Producer Kayla, did you put it up on the KFI

website for us? She stepped away? I say she's walking, okay, So it's up there. You just go to kfiam six forty dot com doctor Wendy Walsh and you can take it yourself. Some of the questions are things like an expert who doesn't come up with a definitive answer probably doesn't know too much. Well, if you strongly agree with that, then maybe you're slightly a black or white thinker. What they discovered about the black white right or wrong this way or that way thinker is actually they're far more

susceptible to fascism than somebody who can tolerate ambiguity. And I think we all need to tolerate ambiguity. A gray area of life. Right now, what I'm about to tell you, I will tell you that I didn't read in any psychology textbooks. This is just my personal opinion. I come from. My developmental years were spent in a culture. Canada or people are known for their kindness, They're known for being nice. You know, I've actually had people say to me before,

you know, Canadians are too nice. Really, that's assuming we have absolutely new boundaries. Actually, we are nice and kind because we know the boundaries are there and we can execute them at any time. But having said that, I have come up with five things that I think we all can do if our team lost. I hate to

call them teams. If you are somebody in California, which is most people in California who voted Democratic, and you're feeling sad and you're grieving, how to communicate because now those friends and family, those Trumpsters you used to have trouble with at the Thanksgiving dinner table, you can't gloat over them anymore. They won fair and square. So how do you communicate with them? First and foremost, congratulate them.

I know it sounds counterintuitive. If you're feeling sad that the Dems lost the election, I want you to take a que from billionaire Mark Cuban and huge Democratic donor. Soon after the election results came in, he tweeted do we say tweeted anymore? He exed the words you won fair and square. So, rather than argue about the results, bond with friends and family by simply acknowledging their win. Secondly,

stress commonality. It is very true that most Americans have far more in common than not, and some of those social issues that the various candidates campaigned on are so minor compared to the things that we have in common. Now. I'm not going to dismiss that some of the people listening right now are part of a minority who's terrified because of some of the language that was used. But I'm talking about friends and family who might be a little right, a little left. Bond over the common enemy,

and the common enemy is identity politics. The media has created our team allegiances. It's not about wearing the shirt or the hat. It's about looking for what we share together, the things we care about. Clean water, clean air, healthy food, safe streets, a place to raise our kids that feel safe. Number Three, just bond over the fact that you can all share relief that it's over. Do you notice at the beginning of the show, did around Robin? Are you relieved?

Are you relieved? Are you relieved? No matter if your side one or lost, there's probably a great relief that that political season, which is too long, too long of advertisements, texts, social media pos is finally behind us. We can all focus on the holidays now. Okay, let's just focus on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Let's not think about this. I don't ever want to see another political ad. I don't want to get twenty texts from candidates begging me to send

them money right away. We can all share relief that it's over. Now. You should also agree to just stop talking about it. If political conversations still linger, simply say I respect you, but let's talk about anything politics, right, Just turn the subject away to something that's the here and now in your life. And above all, if you're on the side where your team won, please don't brag. Especially don't brag about the increase in your stock portfolio

the next day that rally was expected. Okay, it happened to me too. Just keep it to yourself that you're a little richer right now, Okay, don't gloat, don't brag. No I told you so. Don't go back to UC twenty twenty. It was stolen. Let us stop it. Just take a deep breath and look at your friends and family and remember love and remember connection. We are all Americans. Now, that doesn't mean that I'm asking you to be completely complacent and let a potential authoritarian regime roll over you.

There will be time for you to become activated again. But right now, take a deep breath. Find commonality between your neighbors, your friends, and your family. They won fair and square. Give them that, all right. Let us turn favorite subject, dating and relationships. There's a new dating trend, a couple new dating trends for gen Z. If you're the parent of a gen Z person, if you're a gen Z person that's eighteen to twenty seven year olds,

you're going to want to listen up. You're listening to the Dr Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

but turns out it is not the case. Despite the growing trend overall in the last decade or so of dating apps being where most people go to find partners, gen Z, the young ones eighteen to twenty seven year olds are opting out. I know. I have a twenty one year old and I have a twenty six year old and they do not use dating apps. I'll tell

you what they use in a minute. There was a study done last year by Statista found that daters in the US between the ages of thirty and forty nine, who are mostly millennial, they make up sixty one percent of dating app use gen Z only twenty six percent. So let's talk about why why young people are saying I'm not going there I'm done. First of all, they're still almost just past teenage life where they imagine there's an audience looking at them and they feel embarrassed very easily.

And so many gen z users are reporting that they are very concerned about rejection and this has actually kept them from pursuing relationships. Can you imagine when you think bonding with somebody is the most important thing? No, no, no, no, it actually keeps them from pursuing relationships. All right. They also tend to prefer in person connections. Isn't that nice? I love to hear that college students getting off those

apps wanting to meet in person. Now, they're also tired of becoming victims of a psychological phenomenon called paradox of choice. Here's what the paradox of choice says. The more choice that a human brain is given, the less likely it is to make a choice. And when we do make a choice, when there's lots of selection out there, we

are less likely to value our choice. So what ends up happening with those dating apps is they end up just scrolling and scrolling and scrolling and messaging instead of dating. An interesting thing is that one of the reasons why dating apps have failed to meet the expectations of gen z is because few of them actually left their phones to go on a date. You see, besides paradox of choice,

there's another thing that happens with dating apps. People message a number of potential mates and literally become satisfied by the text themselves, right, So they message a whole bunch of people at the same time, and they create I like to call it a combined emotional satiation a little bit from a lot of people, and for many of them, that's enough, and they lose the desire to actually go out on the house, out of the house on a date.

I like to call it dating apathy. Right now, I do want to remind you, and no matter the age, men and women use dating apps very differently. Men are smart enough to know I'm just gonna swipe on everything and see which woman likes me. So women get really excited because when they first get on a dating app and they think I'm killing it, I'm matching with everybody, everybody click on, I'm matching with It's because guys match

on every woman they're given. Women take time. We read every detail in the profile, We look closely and scrutinize the photograph, trying to figure out how much money they make, how do they live, what their taste is like. Right, But I think gen Z is getting turned off because they don't want technology for this one thing. There's also

the issue of fake profiles. These guys are digital natives gen Z, and they know they know what fake or not, and they're sick of seeing married people pretending to be single romance scammers out for money. They're pretty sophisticated, these young people, and they're like, this is real, This is not real. Why are people even into this? Right? Although I should say the romance scammers out there that are out for money are more likely to target older divorcees, widows, widowers, right,

because they're less tech savvy and they're easy to trick. Sorry. The other thing is they're using other apps that aren't intended for dating. For instance, LinkedIn. Can you believe it? LinkedIn is the new dating app? Now, it's not that they run a dating app. It's that if you have something in common, right, That's why people get attracted. Something in common, like business, So they might message each other about business things and then sort of, you know, kind

of find out there's no hall monitor. On LinkedIn, you don't have a human resources department. You're okay. You can flirt all you want on LinkedIn. And the biggest one is Instagram. Instagram. Instagram, Instagram. That's where gen z is. They're looking at each other's profiles. They're seeing what friends they have in common. They are sending dms. Right, it's all about Instagram for them. And finally, wait for it, the newest trend of all. They're actually flirting in public.

They're learning how to do it. Okay, they don't know how to do it. They're missing a lot of social skills, but they're learning. Okay. So I think in the future, dating apps need to somehow facilitate people to get in the real world quickly. Maybe they provide fewer matches so that they can prevent that paradox of choice. Maybe they might include video conferencing or group dating in the real

world that feels safer. They're all are going to have to eventually all those dating apps provide identity verification, because forget all these fake profiles and background checks. You know, in the past, the reason why the dating apps didn't want to do any background criminal background checks is because they felt it made them more liable, right, But I'm sorry they're just going to have to protect users more. One other way that gen Z is finally finding love.

They're actually asking friends to introduce them. Oh my god, it's so old fashioned. I love it. Hey, when we come back, I am going to be answering your social media questions. Send your relationship questions in a DM to me on Instagram at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. Producer Klab will go through and find them for us. So if you've got a relationship question, I'm not going to say your name, I'm not going to out you, I'm not going to embarrass you. Please feel

free to send it in a DM. Now you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

here we go. Let me go to my DMS. If you'd like to send me a question, just go to at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram. Here we go. Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating someone who when I met him, his divorce was two weeks away from being finalized. Oh, I think I know what's coming. It's now finalized, but his ex wife still lives in his house. They have separate bedrooms, and he paid for the house. He says he doesn't want to rock the boat by giving her sixty days notice to move out.

I am extremely uncomfortable with this. Should I pressure him to move her out or just wait patiently? You should do neither. You should get the heck out of there as fast as you can. I'm telling you I have waited for them to leave their wives my whole life. No, there's a reason why he's at least emotionally attached to her or financially attached to her, and you are going to be in a three way emotional tangle for your

entire relationship with him. I promise you. If he says he doesn't want to give her notice, he's not going to. It is not your job to change him. But if waiting patiently is something you think is going to work out for you, then go ahead and try it. But you got your old Auntie here, doctor Wendy saying I would run so fast from this situation. Really get out of there. This is too messy. Don't even There's so many great guys out there. She's not gonna listen, is she.

She's not gonna listen. I just know it all right. Next up, dear doctor Wendy. If a man just wants sex, but I want more, what's the best way to get him on the same page to see me as more than just sex. Ps. We didn't have sex. He just always tries on our dates. Oh what kind of like this? Okay, So first I was gonna go, well, if you're having sex with him, then sorry, can't change that. So I think this is a great moment to have a doorway into emotional intimacy. So when he tries to have sex,

you're gonna say things like, I am not ready. I am actually looking for a committed, long term relationship and I want to see where this leads before I do that. And if you're looking for a short term relationship with just sex, then maybe we're not a good match. Literally say that, have a backbone, say the truth, because you're You've got all the power right now to be completely honest. And he said, well, how are you going to know?

Just say it takes some time to see if you're if you're going to be like a good relationship material person for the long term. That's what I say. Uh, here we go again, Dear doctor Wendy. Whenever I have a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it, confronts a strong word. How about just discuss it, bring it up whatever, Okay. Whenever I have a feeling and confront my boyfriend about it, he tells me that I'm telling myself stories and running

with it as fact. He also tells me that it's not his job to calm my crazy I do have trust issues, but I wish he would provide comfort as my partner. Isn't it his responsibility? So I don't like the way he's responding to you, telling you you're crazy, and he's got to calm you're crazy, and maybe even gaslighting you saying, eh, you know, you're just making this

stuff up and believing it. Whatever. I do, think it is your responsibility if you have heightened issues around jealousy and trust issues, to see a licensed therapist and work on that. But the other thing I have learned to do with men is give them script literally, say you know, when you say it's not your job to calm my crazy, I don't feel safer or more comforted. It would really help me if you would say, ah, babe, it's okay, I'm still here with you, and reassure me a little bit.

It costs nothing to do that, Give me a hug, whatever, give him a script, tell him exactly what you want him to say and do, and you don't have to say it in an angry way. Just be nice. Why not we don't come with instruction manuals. We have to give people instructions, and we teach people how to treat us. Usually that saying comes with when we put up with bad behavior and say nothing we have they've tested us, and then we've given permission for them to use that

bad behavior. Right, We teach people how to treat us, but sometimes it's more literal teaching. It is literally saying, here's what I need you to say right now. It would really help me. I've literally said that sentence to Julio. I'll say, you know, what you said seems to be feel It makes my feelings feel dismissive, just dismissed. So could you say blah blah blah instead? And he usually laughs because he thinks it's funny that I'm giving him a little schooling.

stop all this nonsense. If you're a good cook and you would like to have this man over for dinner, then cook for him. The thing is It's not about when it's okay to cook for somebody. The question is are they reciprocating in their own way. Now that may be financially taking you out to dinners, it may be fixing stuff in your house for you or doing something instrumental, right, but you're looking for reciprocation at the beginning. But I mean obviously cooking for him every night and taking over

that role, that's a different thing. I mean, like as a special thing. So Julio and I met during COVID, right, and I just packed so many picnics. We were just outside. We couldn't go to restaurants and you know, only going to eat so much takeout. So I cooked a lot at the beginning and packed picnics and that was a wonderful way for us to bond. So no, it's not too soon, and don't look at a clock. Just ask yourself, is this person? What is a relationship? First of all,

a relationship is an exchange of care. The care can take so many different forms financial, sexual, emotional, intellectual, and yes, domestic responsibility care. So it's not like, oh he needs to do this before I will ever cook for him. Just pay attention. Is there some reciprocity happening in the early stages of dating. Okay, when we come back, I got a question from a guy who's having some problems on dating apps. We'll talk about it when we come back.

You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app.