This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. All right, this is the part of the show where I'm digging deep into my social media dms. Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships and who I love
to weigh in on your love life. If you want to send me a DM, just send it to at d R Wendy Walsh on Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh on Instagram. All right, here we go, Dear doctor Wendy says this listener, I think my situationship is dating someone else. Okay, So, for those who don't understand, a situationship is a relationship with no strings attached and nobody's defined what it really is. But this person is also using it to describe a person. They're calling the person
a partner a situationationship. Okay, I think my situationship is dating someone else. He posts, really telling stories should I address it or save face and walk away. I just really like him a lot, but we've never discussed exclusivity. Okay, Now I just need to say one thing here. Honesty saves everybody a whole lot of time and situationships are very painful because everybody's living in the unknowing and nobody knows. So you know, I would say, instead of walking away,
don't you want to know? Don't you want to have the conversation. Don't you want to just say, Hey, dude, I like you a lot, do you want to be exclusive? Or hey, I'm not liking what you're posting in your stories because I don't like to share you because you're real special to me. So let's figure it out. But here's the thing. If he's not having it, if he says no, I don't want to be exclusive, then you need to save your soul, you need to save your heart.
You need to walk away. And that's the main reason people don't like to have these conversations because sometimes they don't want to hear the truth. They're happy to have a halfway relationship or a fantasy relationship, but they just don't want to hear the truth. So be brave have the conversation, all right? Moving along here back into the DMS on Instagram at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, this listener writes, Hey, doctor Wendy, how long is too
long to have a texting relationship? When should he ask me out? Okay, I have something to say about this because I use this. I made this up, this rule, and then I followed it myself and it works. So my theory is, if you're on a dating app and you meet somebody after two or three texts, just say, hey, I'm not a big texture and I'm not on this app very much. If you want to give me a call, here's my phone number. If they do not call, swipe them away. You are not their cloud girl. You are
not there to give them emotional satisfaction. If you want a relationship in the real world, you move it into the real world. And if they don't call, you've got to ghost them. Just wipe left, get rid of them, end it, because they're not going to convert. Remember, there are lots of people who use the dating apps and they use it for emotional stimulation, and plenty of people actually aren't even the people they say they are, so they have a bunch of people on the line. They
text with them all day long. They're like somebody's robot emotional support texter. Don't don't do it. So, yeah, it's too long if you're more than three or four text and you're not getting into the real world. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I had met a very cute and a very handsome fellow. He's both cute and handsome. I like that. He's also very sweet. Who but he asked me to be his girlfriend on our first date. Is that an automatic red flag? Okay, Well, let's talk about.
What that is.
Right.
Somebody who wants complete exclusivity from the beginning is somebody who probably has a lot of anxiety around attachment. They have huge abandonment issues. Perhaps they may want to control you, keep you as theirs. They're so into you. First of all, you guys haven't even gone through the exploratory stage of deciding whether you'd be compatible to be boyfriend and girlfriend. So while it's a red flag, let's talk about what
it's a red flag for. And it's just indicating that maybe the person has anxiety around attachment, has you know, control issues, you don't know, So what you want to do is say that seems a little fast. I'd like to spend a little more time getting to know each other. You know, one time I dated a guy and we're like on our third date, and you know what he said to me, He goes, Okay, how about every time we say goodbye, let's have a time on the calendar
when we'll see each other again. And I said, it's a little early for that. And it sounds like you have trouble containing yourself in the waiting and the not knowing, right, because you know, you had three dates with somebody who has a PhD in clinical psychology, so I can talk like that. And I said, how about you learn to self console and wait and give me a call when you have some free time, and we'll decide if we're going to get together again. You see, the very beginning
of a relationship is a time of unknowing. You have to kind of hold it together. You have to kind of be cool. Right. You can't on a first date say hey, I like you, Will you be my boyfriend? Will you be my girlfriend? That shows that you can't you can't. Uh, what's the word I'm looking for?
You.
You just can't wait. You can't control yourself, you can't calm down, you can't self console, you can't manage your feelings. Right, So, yeah, it's kind of a red flag, but it's also an opportunity for discussion. All right, Okay, I have one more I think before we go to the break. Okay, and if you have a question you want to send me in a DM, send it to at d r Wendy Walsh on Instagram. Dear doctor, Wendy, my cousin is dating
my ex crush. Let me figure that out. So you used to have a crush on somebody and obviously didn't turn out to be anything. Is just to crush and now your cousin is dating that person. I feel she absolutely crossed the line. She didn't even tell me. I found out from a mutual friend. How should I address this? Okay, So, just because you had a crush on somebody doesn't mean
you own them, all right. One time, many many many years ago, I had a falling out with a roommate, no less because a guy she had a crush on who had no idea she had a crush on him, asked me out and I'm like, he's fair game if you haven't, you know whatever, Because there was another time, same roommate. By the way, another guy came up to me and said, Hey, I'd like to have dinner with you, and I said I can't because my roommate has a crush on you. We were young and dumb and saying
stupid things. And he goes, well, that doesn't mean I don't even know who she is, and that's crazy. And anyway, I didn't go out to dinner with him. I did the right thing, and I was loyal to the friend. But you know what, everybody's fair game until a relationship starts. And I hope that you can be supportive of your cousin and celebrating for your cousin and go find another crush.
There's lots of crushes out there, all right. When we come back, I'm going to continue to answer your relationship questions. Send them on Instagram in a DM at Dr Wendy Walsh, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome back to.
The Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'm KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Back into the DMS on Instagram. If you have a relationship question, please send it to me in a little private message. I will keep your identity a secret. All right, let's get right into it. Let's see. Oh yes, dear doctor Wendy. Oh oh, this is going to be really sad. Dear doctor Wendy, My wife and I experienced the loss of a child. Oh,
I'm so sorry. It was three years ago and she has been a shell of her former self ever since. How much longer do I deal with that?
This?
Okay, Well, let's pause right now. This isn't about a time frame, it's about how to deal with it. Right, So you're saying, how much longer should I put up with her being a shell of herself? Well, it's not your job to heal her. It's not your job to put up with anything. It is your job as a husband to support your wife in her journey of grieving. The loss of a child is probably one of the most devastating losses and complicated. Grieving is something that psychologists
would say is grieving that extends beyond one year. So I think that. But it's perfectly okay three years later to say to your wife, I know we've had this loss. We are both hurting. We need to find a way to come back into relationship and love so that our relationship doesn't die as well. Let's go to couple's therapy or would you like to? Would you like me to go to a grieving counseling group with you. You've got to find ways to support her, not sit there and
wait it out. You're not waiting out something. Things don't just fix themselves. This is an opportunity. All pain. I want everyone to listen to this. All pain is an opportunity to dig deep things. Whether they're breakups or enormous losses like this, or even the loss of a job or a health issue that comes up. These are opportunities for people to explore with a licensed therapist where the growth is, because there's always growth that can come from it.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, and I hope you guys can find a good counselor who can help you out. All right, Dear doctor Wendy, I'm a bit scared. Oh, I'm a bit scared reading this. Man I hooked up with years ago randomly hit me up telling me he loves me. He was rude when we dated and didn't respect my boundaries. That's why it did work out. Anyway, I didn't reciprocate his love. He called me four times at one am. Oh oh, these are big red flags, folks.
I didn't answer. He then cursed me out via text message, and then blocked me. He told me he will block me to protect his own mental health. Why am I his focus? We haven't talked in years. Does this sound potentially dangerous?
Yes?
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Okay, this is how somebody with an anxious attachment style behaves. Right, So he's been pin You went on with your life, you hooked up a few times, you moved on, right, he's still been pining away for you. You did say that when you were together, he was rude when you dated, and he didn't respect your boundaries. So I just want to tell you right now in case you're everything into getting back with him. The best way to predict somebody's future behavior
is by looking at their past behavior. Okay. People don't change a whole lot unless they go to therapy with you, and you work change a whole different system. But yes, he should block you to protect his mental health, and he should go and see a therapist. You're his focus because your question why am I his focus? You are his focus because you are what a therapist would call a convenient object for his trauma, his early life trauma that he hasn't worked out.
Look.
I used to date on and off this playboy for like a decade, okay, And I used to say I love him, and I treated him so badly. I'd hang up on him, and then I'd call ad, why don't you call me? I cry all kinds of stuff with him, and my therapist eventually explained to me that I didn't love him, It's not about him, that my model of love was messed up, and that he was a convenient object for some earlier pain in my life that belonged
back there. And when the two of us went through my childhood with a fine tooth comb, we went back to the scene of the crime, the emotional crime. We
worked on processing. We healed. Now, As for you and what you're supposed to do, please do not respond to him at all, at all, at all, Okay, It does sound potentially dangerous because sometimes, more often men than women, when they have an anxious attachment style, they think the way to get rid of their pain is to somehow, I don't know, get rid of the person, or hurt the person. I think they imagine the person's actually hurting them. So I would definitely be about having any contact. Go
completely no contact, and pray that he goes to a therapist. Also, if he does anything stocker ish like shows up your place, then you've got to call the police. Okay, really you do. This could be dangerous. I'm so sorry to hear about that. All right, Uh here we go again. Hey, doctor, Wendy, my ex boyfriend's best friend. Okay, ex boyfriend's best friend asked me out on a date. When we went out, all he wanted to talk about was my ex and why he was never right for me. It's true and
I really like him. Could we work out or does he have the wrong intentions? You know, I think you need to I can't predict the future. I don't have a crystal ball, but I do want to say that you should say to him something like, you know, you literally should have stopped him right into it. Say I'm here having dinner with you, I'd rather talk about you than him, or you could say something like if he brings it up again, I'm wondering why you seem fixated
on talking about my ex because it's true. There are men out there who target the women of other men just as a you know, a goal, right, It's just their thing. They want to They think of women as objects that men own, and they think if I'm jealous of that guy, if I get his girl, then I'll have more self esteem. So you do want to be careful about that. But I think for me to predict what's going to happen in the future is less important than you looking at this as an opportunity to bring
it up and practice good communication skills. Right, I think we have time for one more quick one, Dear doctor Wendy. My husband and I have not had sex for five months. We aren't fighting. He just won't have sex with me. Oh, so you've initiated he hasn't. I think he's cheating. What's the best way to address this, Well, you're going to have to it up. You're going to have to because you can't have good sex life unless you can talk about sex so you're going to say it without being confrontational.
You make that communication sandwich that I always teach. You start out with a layer of love, follow by a layer of something a little hard to chew on, and then you back it up with another layer of love. So you're going to say something like, you know, I have always loved our sex life. I find you very sexy and very attractive. I notice we haven't had sex in the last five months, and I'm very worried and
concerned about that. How this is impacting our relationship because I want to get back to the love we have and if there's a way that we can discuss it, whether it's something physical, let me know, right, So don't accuse him of cheating, Just say you've noticed it and ask him how. How is a good word? How the two of you can get back to something that makes both of you happy? All right? If you ever want to send me a question during the week, just DM
me on Instagram at Dr Wendy Walsh. When we come back, are you ready to go through a life change? Are you ready to set some goals for yourself? I have an author who's going to tell us all how we can live a better life, full of joy together. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, let me tell you something I teach my first year psychology students. This thing that I thought I just made up but apparently I didn't. And what I teached him is I say, you know, life is very much a self fulfilling prophecy. Now I'm not saying it's all woo woo that you know, the planets are going to line up, and if you believe in astrology whatever, and you can
manifest things, they're just going to happen. No, But what you do, how you think, and how you behave can get you towards your goals. And I have a kindred spirit in My next guest, who is an author and an award winning well She wrote something called your Goal Guide, a roadmap for setting, planning, and achieving your goals. But wait her new book is called Fifty two Secrets for Goal Setting and Goal Getting. How to stay focused, grow
your network, get more done with less time. Deborah Eckerling, Welcome to the Doctor Wendywell Show.
Well, thank you so much, and I'm completely with you about the kindred thing. I mean, we have to, right, we have to go out and get the life we want. No one's going to give it to us, right.
So you know, I always think that, you know, when I meet people who say, well, I just have bad luck or I just got dealt a poor hand of cards, I always say, you know, no matter what hand your dealt, you can still play the game. You can figure out how to get over that wall, around that wall, dig under that wall. There are ways if we can do it. Before we get into it, though, Deborah, let's talk about
I'd like to start out with a why question. Why did you write this book Fifty two Secrets for Goal Setting and Goal Getting?
Oh? So many reasons, But I believe that we all deserve to live as these of the life and the secret to success is there is no one secret. But what you can do is learn what works for other people and take their secrets for a test drive and see what you can incorporate to make your life better, to bring you closer towards your goals.
See excuse me, that's another thing I always say, if you can't see it, you can't be it, right. And so part of your book is interviewing people who have achieved their goals and asked them how they got there.
Well for the book and it's fifty two secrets, but I actually interviewed sixty. I call them ajievers in business to heck entertainment through creative Realms, and I just asked this question, what is your secret for setting goals? And we're getting goals? And so the book's divided into seven sections, and it covers everything from focus and productivity and networking, which is the subtitle, but also well being an action and leadership and teamwork and communications. So all these and
believe me, I had fun. I did all these interviews about like, great, how am I going to sort it out? Because so many of these things fall into more than one category. But the bottom line is I happen to know amazing people. And everyone in the book is either someone I interviewed a friend which kind of means bull or someone in the book said, oh, you need to interview this person because I want to know how they do it all right, which.
Really one thing led to the next exactly.
So it's awesome mind saying, Dhy this your life may be better. Go for it.
So before we get into the nitty gritty of gold setting, let's talk about you a little bit. You are known as a connector, a motivator, a facilitator. You bring communities and people together. You've been doing this for a long time, but prior to that, you were in the entertainment business. How did you get into the goal setting business?
Well, actually I started out and I've been in LA for more than twenty five years. So before then I was doing events at Barnes and Noble and Chalmer Illinois, and whenever I need to fill my calendar, I was just to hang out in the cafe because I wanted it to be a community bookstore. And one day someone lot in and he's like, will you start a writer support group? And I said, if you think people will show up, let's give it a dry. And not only was it a success, I learned first hand the power
of is what are you working on? How can we support you? What are you working on for next? Time, and my business background is communication and project management. I'm also a freelance writer by podcaster. I do like all of the things, but that's what set me off on this course of jeerleading, motivating, helping people figure out what's next so they can create that life that they want.
So it's almost like where all our own project managers, of our own lives, and you're going to teach us how to do it.
Oh totally all right?
Yeah, first us, how you put that first question? What is the difference between an attainable goal and a fantasy pipe dream? How do we know if something's attainable or not?
Oh? Come on, we know right?
You mean I can't join the New York City Ballet now at my age? Is that what you're saying.
Saying I'm saying anything is probable? Actually right now, it's I think the better question is what are you willing to do to create that life that you want? And we know it's always good to set those big, lofty goals, but you do want to like and I use this example in your goal Guide, which is the one that came out in twenty So if you want to be a master chef, great, if you know your way around the kitchen, You've got a way better shot. But you know that is something that you can train for and
work towards. So some things are going to take longer. Some things you're going to need to get re educated. Yes, there are probably certain things we can and cannot do due to things like I don't want to be ageists. I'm sure, so maybe that's not the goal. But there are other.
Places marketing and publicity for the New York City Ballet and feel like I'm a dancer? Right? Is that what you're saying, if I chose.
That, or you could choose to find something that's attainable. Dance troop? Right?
Okay, an old lady dance troop, that's what you're saying, gotcha, gotcha. Listen.
We have to go to your.
Have to go to break. When we come back, I want to talk about some of the biggest obstacles in people's lives that keep them from achieving their goals. Uh. And if there are times in our lives, once you think about this over the break debrah of when we're more likely to transition and when we need new goals, like I think there are sort of these critical moments in our lives where it's time for us to make a change. I want to talk about that when we
come back. The book is called fifty two Secrets for Goal Setting and Goal Getting its author Deborah Eckerling. We have more after this. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the final segment of the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My guest author and motivator. I love that word. You're a motivator, Deborah app Eckerling. Did I say that right? Eckerling?
Yep.
Oh great. Her book is called fifty two Secrets of Goal Setting and Goal Getting How to stay focused, grow your network, and do get more done in less time. So let's talk about obstacles first, Deborah, what are the things that most often hold people back?
The thing, the thing that I say all the time is you can't get what you want. Lets you know about it is so I think be people and I'm sure you relate to this one. You hear about it all the time. People have a certain education or an experience level. They've worked in the job forever and they just don't want to give it up and they don't want to make a change. Okay, fine, be miserable now.
Yeah, be misraelical in the job you hate. Is that what you're saying?
Yeah, you are well, or you can give yourself the time to figure out what you want and make a plan to turn it into a reality, right. You know?
During the Great Recession of two thousand and eight two thousand and nine, I reframed what was going on. I was a single mom with two little kids, one hundred percent custody, zero dollars child support, and all of a sudden, we were all hanging on by a thread. And I thought to myself, you know, we're always saying that there are things we want to do in life, but we never have the time. And when we have the time, we say we don't have the money. And here I
am with time but no money. But what if I always wanted to do?
So?
I took a little, a risky thing, a line of credit out on my real estate during a recession, and went to culinary school because I always wanted to learn how to cook, and I said, I'm being given the gift of time. So sometimes I think we have to look at our obstacles and reframe them. Would you say that, I would say.
All the time, and we do it. About your goal guide before that came out in January twenty twenty, so six weeks before the world got changed by circumstance, out came my book saying you can't embrace change, whether it is by choice or a vice circumstance. And I think that's really the thing with goals. If you have to choose, you want something.
Different, exactly make that choice. Now, there are times in people's lives where change. I mean, first of all, living is about change. It's constantly changing, but there are pivotal moments, critical moments when people do transition. You know, at the
beginning of this year, I have a newsletter. It's not a huge list, like you know, a few thousand people, mostly KFI listeners and friends and family, And I send newsletters maybe a few times a year, and I wrote a very personal one in January about how now that I have an empty nest, now that I have a new husband and marriage, what's next? For me and how sitting in this place of unknowing, this no goal has
been a terrible space for me to live in. What would you, as a connector, motivator and facilitator Deborah Eckerling, tell me, had you read that newsletter from me, I.
Would say, congratulations. Now think about what do you want to fill the space with? You know, what do you want? In so I my menthodology is called the dead method. Of course, it chans for determine your mission, explore your options, range from your path and usually when I'm working with a hiner doing workshops, we really focus in on the d because, as I said before, you can't get what you want unless you know what that is. But you also need to give yourself the time to be like
I love your culinary school story. It's like, what is the thing that you've always wanted to do? And I believe people most of the time know the answer, they just don't take the time to ask themselves the question and they really think like hmmm, So I would say, this guy's a limit. So what next for you?
You sound like my therapist, by the way. She always says, you rush to do things too quickly, and sometimes you need to sit and wait and feel and think and let the opportunity. Now that advice she might not give to other people who might be procrastinators. I'm not that. I'm a busy barbie who always needs to have a project. So she said, you know, this is a time for you to sit in the feelings and see what bubbles up,
which is an interesting advice. Now, one of the things we were talking about transitions, So the times of lives when people set goals, most often obviously young adult life with their education, getting their career launched, sometimes after empty nest, sometimes after a divorce or god forbid, the death of a loved one. And is that when you see people most going who am I? Where am I going? How can I set these goals?
I would like to say yes, but no, really, I feel like, well, I feel like we're living in a space and in a time where people feel like they have control over nothing that's going on in the world, and for most people they don't. But what you can do is say, what is something that's going to bring me joy? And not everybody has the option of, oh, I'm just going to quit my job and go after a fantasy, because we know that is also not realistic. But what you can't think about is what is a thing?
What is the something? What is a hobby? Or if I always wanted to write the great American novel prison Writer, I have to say that what is that thing that when you think about you cannot help but smile? Find a way. And this is the other secret. Look at your life and say, hmm, I've got like an hour a week I could devote to something that is joy, and you put in the calendar and you spend that
time exploring, trying new things. And then when you hit on the thing that really gives you that a happy factor, see what develops from that. In that way, when you feel like life is out of control, or you don't love your job or whatever, you can remember that that
is not your entire life. You've got this fun thing, this thing that you love, and you gotta lot that joy kind of spill over into the other part of your life, and that's going to help you stay motivated and keep moving forward no matter what your journey.
So before we go, Debrah Eckerlig, if there's one piece of advice you would have for our listeners who are feeling stuck, maybe trapped in a job they don't like, or a relationship they don't like, but they have to for all kinds of reasons. What bit of advice would you give to people who are feeling stuck.
I've got this exercise. I like. It's my take on journaling, and I go all it direct to journaling and basically, I know, real original. Basically, give yourself like three or four fifteen minute appointments and just write out what's next for me or what brings me joy? And do this three, four or five times, don't read it, and then go back and look through it and say, hmmm, I really
like this thing. So you are not only gifting yourself the time to explore what's next, but you're really saying you're committing to it, to finding a solution, to find something that's going to bring you a happy and do some of that and hopefully it will take you to a wonderful place, because isn't that always The goal is to live a happy and fulfilling life.
And I love this idea of just fifteen minutes a few times a week because people I suspect we'll start to see themes crop up and oh I mentioned this a few times. Maybe this is the big thing.
Yes, exactly, because we forget we get so busy, well not you and I, but most people, right, they get so busy that they forget that there's more to life than the d oil and when you hit the pause button, even if even if you have five minutes, but do they hit the by the pause button and explore the things that you love. You're going to stumble up on something and you're going to create something amazing.
Debrah Eckerling, thank you so much for being with us. Her book is called fifty two Secrets for Goal Setting and goal getting out of Stay focused, grow your network, and get more done in less time. I'm going to love this book. Thanks so much for being with me, and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall Show to a close. It is always my pleasure to be with you on Sunday nights. If you'd like to follow me on my
social media, you certainly may. I'm back active again after taking a year off, so it's fun and my handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app