This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio App. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I am going to dig into the dms on Instagram now because so many people have sent me so many relationship questions this week. Thank you very much. If you want to send me any questions, you just go to at doctor Wendy Walsh on Instagram send me
a DM. I will always keep your identity private, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. Is it a red flag if my boyfriend still talks to his ex every day?
Yes?
Well, let's talk about what a red flag is. A red flag, in my opinion, means that you're seeing that somebody probably doesn't have the ability to have an emotionally intimate, committed, secure relationship with you. If he is still in an emotional attachment with his X, and if they're talking every day, they're still in a relationship. They may not be having sex, they're still in a relationship. If he is involving you with it, and if there's been a long time since
their breakup. Let's say it's been an ex from five years ago, and they're just friends because they work together or whatever, and you're invited out to dinner with them whatever. That's different. But if he has a private communication with this person, yes, this is a red flag. It says he has split his secure base into two her and you, So I would talk to him about it. It's okay to set a boundary with something like that. Oh here
comes a hard one. Dear doctor Wendy, we have been dating for five years and my boyfriend says he's still not ready for marriage. Am I wasting my time? Well, the answer is it sounds like I am gonna guess wild guess here that you're giving him all the benefits of marriage, so he does not need to get married, and if he needed to get married, he would, So you need to pull back. I don't care what it is you're doing. Are you housekeeping for him? Are you
living with them? Are you doing the dishes? Are you having sex with him? Those are wife duties, not girlfriend duties. If you want to be married and you've expressed it, begging for it doesn't work. You've got to pull back on everything you're giving. And yes, if you're living together, go get your own place. See how quickly he wants to get married. Just saying, you don't sit around and wait for somebody to have a state of readiness. Okay. In fact, the sad thing is many women wait for
a man to have a state of readiness. Then he hits his state of readiness and breaks up with her and goes and finds a wife. It's the craziest thing. Happens all the time. So don't hang in there. That's all I'm saying my opinion. Hey, it's just my opinion. You don't have to do whatever I say. I'm just saying I have a lot of life experience. Dear doctor, Wendy, my girlfriend gets angry when I hang out with my friend. Is this controlling behavior? Well? I need a lot more
information here. Who are these friends? Are they all single? Are you going to night clubs? Are there single women?
There?
Is there alcohol involved? Are you doing it frequently? I mean, they are all these extenuating circumstances that would help me answer this question. Ladies, A guy has a right to go hang out with the boys. He needs supportive male friendships. If they're doing something fun like playing video games, going to tinker with cars, going to golf together, something healthy, going to the gym, going to watch a sports at
a sports bar. Let it go. He needs that. If he's going to nightclubs with single guys and there's girls there, no, not okay, because that's what a nightclub is. It's a hunting ground for a new mate. So it depends what he's doing with his friends, how often he's doing with his friends. If the friends are supportive of your relationship. Some friends are not supportive. They're trying to pull him away from it, all right, you know the difference, right, all right, we have time for a couple more. Oh,
this is a good one. Dear doctor Wendy. I found out that my husband has a secret bank account. What should I do? Get the bank account number? Please get as much information as you possibly can. You know, a few years ago I had this woman on my show, and she runs an investment company and they invest in high end divorces. And one of the things she said is that divorce happens two to four years before anybody files for divorce. In other words, the beginning of the
divorce happens in two ways. Women tend to get in great shape and get plastic surgery and say that they're just doing it for themselves to feel better, but actually
they're testing their worth in the mating marketplace. And men start to stash money, They put things into secret bank accounts, they put things into family members' names, They do all kinds of things to be ready for the mating marketplace because resources are a great way to showcase mate value for males, and youth and fitness and beauty is the
way that women showcase make values to men. So this woman who was a guest on my show a few years ago, said that if you suspect the divorce is in the offing, the most important thing you could do is take his briefcas does anyone ever carry a briefcase anymore? I don't know. Go into his papers when he's sleeping
and take screenshots. Just photograph every single document. She was telling stories about having to hire private detectives to find the money because it was so well hidden during divorce cases, and she said the best way to find it is sometimes with phone bills because people always visit their money, so wherever their calling is important, and also even food delivery.
They found some phone bill and they were able to see that it was a food delivery company like a door Dash, and then they were able to get the address of where it went to, and then from there they were able to figure what bank was near that Airbnb. It was crazy. She's like a full detective finding the money. So yeah, secret bank accounts something that's something to talk about if you're married and you're sharing resources, and especially if you're raising his kids. I would want to find
out about that, Dear doctor Wendy. My partner says that they don't believe in monogamy. Should I try an open relationship or move on? It's hard for me to answer that because I don't know you. I don't know what your sexual psychology is, I don't know what your values are. But I will say this, when we try to be somebody, we're not just to please somebody else. We're usually never happy in the end. And so if you're only doing it for that person, I would say don't do it.
If you are just open to experimentation and you want to try it, but I always say that's all fun and games until somebody falls in love. It's not the easy route, and it is the vast my minority of people who can safely emotionally entertain conscious non monogamy. It is certainly not for everybody. It is not for the masses. If you want to do it for you, do it for you. If you're doing it for your partner, not
a great idea. All right, When we come back, I want to talk about what healthy love is and how I came to a place where I finally understood how to have the skills needed to create healthy love. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six.
Forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I spent a lot of years in my early adulthood life and even middle age asking myself, what is healthy love? Will I ever find healthy love? Believing that it is something that you just stumble upon and that it's all about luck. And after a few years of therapy that came after many years of many bad relationships. I remind everybody I do not blame the men whom
I had terrible, painful, toxic, abandoning, abusive relationships with. I blame me. I blame me because although I need to learn to forgive myself, because it's largely unconscious, we all have this model for love in our unconscious that says this treatment's okay, or that it's normal. And I do want to say one thing. If you're somebody out there who is in a relationship that doesn't make you happy, If the strongest feeling you have is confusion, which is
what I had, then that's not love. It's not a secure attachment. And so finally seeing a therapist and spending years and reading books and going to graduate school and learning about attachment theory, I was able to, step by step literally change who I was attracted to, be able to take in care, be able to feel loved and deserving of love. I learned how to express my emotions. I learned how to be honest and not ever hide my feelings. But I also learned how to express them
in a very non defensive way. You know, when people have an early in life when they're not allowed to express themselves, when they try to practice later in life. They say things like in a really angry or defensive way. It's almost like they don't feel safe saying it, so they better say it extra strong. When you have emotional intelligence, you've learned the skills. When you have a secure relationship, you can just say things in a calm way, you know.
Maya Angelou once said, the best love is the one that makes you a better person without changing you into someone other than yourself. I spend a lot of time trying to be somebody else for other people, trying to well quiet my light and my voice because I knew I was very talkative. I didn't know I was an external processor and that's just how I am. I didn't know that there would be a man out there one day who had a very talkative mother who would find
that normal and cool. And I remember seeing Julio, like just a few months into it, and we would go for really long walks because it was during COVID, and he said to me one time, you and I can walk for an hour and I don't have to say a word. It's such a relief. He found his listener.
He's a great listener, which is great. Of course, we do have lots of debates and lots of conversation, and it is a lot of back and forth, But I want to talk about what healthy love really is for those of you who haven't created yet created it yet for yourself. Healthy love means that we are all responsible for our own happiness. It is not someone's job to make us happy. Happiness is an inside job, and it
starts with us. For instance, if Julio does a few little things around the house that bother me, like leaving his drawers open, I know I've told you this story before, I say to myself, whose problem is this? Is this his problem or mine? I'm not going to make it his problem because it's obviously not a problem for him unless I nag him and yell at him and drive him crazy about leaving his drawers ajar or I could just go close him and solve my own problem. Make
myself happy, right, make yourself happy first. The other thing is we're also not responsible for somebody else's happiness. I had a lot of grumpy partners in my life, and I felt like I had to be their cheerleader. I had to be the happy one. But this is not your job. They should come into the relationship with their own baggage stuffed with joy and happiness, because they're going to need to open those suitcases from time to time.
We are only responsible for ensuring that we are a whole person, that we have a healthy sense of identity, that we are high functioning, that we have self esteem. And by the way, self esteem doesn't mean, oh my god, I like myself, I'm s so perfect, I'm so confident. Self esteem means I'm good enough and some days I make mistakes because I'm human, and I can forgive myself and I hope you can forgive me. That's called healthy self esteem. I also learned about what a secure attachment
feels like. I'm in it now, and I'm so glad I'm in it, so that I can describe it to you, because for many decades I only had insecure attachments with people. So butterflies in your stomach should be a short, fleeting thing at the beginning. Long term butterflies in your stomach are a roller coaster. This is not love highs and lows and worry about abandonment, and then huge highs and then back to lows again. If you're crying or feeling angry. A lot of the time. This is not love. This
is re enacting your childhood trauma. As I was using a new object the guy I was dating as a replacement for what happened before. When somebody says hey, she won't say I love you, or he won't allow us to have relationship definition, or they don't believe in PDAs, that's not love. Right. Love is people who naturally touch each other, who feel quite comfortable being defined as being part of a couple, and being able to use their words to express love. Healthy love does not feel like
a roller coaster. It feels safe. It feels like peace, It feels like trust. It allows you to be you, it allows your voice. I will say that healthy love isn't exciting, but it is far from boring. It is a soft pillow to fall into where one feels safe. And that's what I hope for all of you when we come back. I have a very fascinating author of a book that I keep mispronouncing the name of. Listen to me. Let's see if I can get through it
when we come back. But I'm going to get through the whole book because I can't wait to finish it. It's so good you're.
Listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My next guest is an entrepreneur, an investor, and an author. His new book is called Homo am I going to say it right, idiot idiot idiots again? I'm being an idiot? Can you say it for me? Cizari?
Homo Idiotic goes like a play on Homo sapiens and homo economics. I think that we are all homodiogicals, not homeless obdience.
Let's go with the subtitle Why we Are Stupid and what we could do about it? Jasari Petrashic, How did I do ye? Originally from Poland? Now I talk about cognitive biases a lot the brains shortcut that we do so that the brain, sometimes in trying to save fuel, makes wrong decisions. Is this book about why we're stupid and what we can do about it? Kind of about cognitive biases?
Yes, it's a big part of that, but not the only part. So cognitive biases are part of the psychological dimension of our stupidity. But there's also biological and sociological and institutional.
Okay, so how are we biologically stupid?
Biologically? It's actee quite complex. It's from how we are wired in terms of that amigdala part of our brain that prioritizes actions to whatever is dangerous, moving, flashy, whatever, makes cautious but not precise decisions. Prefrontal cortekes makes better decisions. But we use it sparingly. We use it only when we really think. Most of the decisions our daily life we use you know, using amygdala and other things. But biology also is about testosterone. You know, testosterone makes us
slightly more stupid. So here's the question whether the men are more stupid than the woman.
It depends which IQ test you're using, But I can tell you with the WAYS test there's a greater range. Men have a greater range of intelligences on those scores.
Yeah, but but do you know that almost seventy percent of men do not wash their hands after using public toilet and only half of that women.
Oh, I have to tell you, Jasari that when COVID happened, and I watched men walking out of men rooms shaking their hands and wringing them because they were wet. I was just doing the touchdown cheer. Is this what it takes a pandemic to get those guys to wash their hands? Okay, I'm going to tell you one biological error that we
often make. So when I talk a lot about the science of love and the science of relationships on this show, you know, we smell somebody's pheromones who might be a good biological match for us because immune systems give off a certain kind of scent, and if somebody has a disparate a different immune system, we will find them more sexually attractive. But that doesn't mean you can have a
compatible marriage. So there's another way that biologically we make mistakes. Okay, so you mentioned some other ways that we're making mistakes.
Yeah, it's sociology. So how the society works. So basically, the society sadly makes us stupid. And this is an incredible thing because the society made us originally very very smart and very for example, less violent than we used to be and allowed us to specialize, et cetera. So society has put us to tremendous point of possession of
strength and mental strength as well. However, very I would say in the last few hundred years, the society has rather negative impact on our orata is encouraging our adiocy. Why which way because because of the of the concept of conformity. So basically we would do anything to conform with society, which means that we make a lot of
recipt decisions just to conform. So for example, there was just from innocent things such as you know, there was this experiment in nineteen fifties when they were asking people to show they were showing them three lines and one was obviously shorter, one was obviously longer, and one was exactly the same.
Life amazing.
Continue, it's amazing, right, and people, you know, normally in the control group, ninety nine percent of people pointed out correctly which is longer, which is shorter. But then when six people before them were telling wrong answer, but they very consistently because they were all accomplasses of the person who designed the study, then like thirty six percent of people also gave wrong answer.
That's amazing, which is one of the reasons in our criminal justice system why it's so easy to get somebody to admit to a crime they might not even have committed, because you have enough cops in the room and they'd say there are other witnesses they're certing to think, well, maybe I did do it.
Yeah, informity with conformative of society is is kind of forced upon us. Think about it. In the old days, it actually was a matter of survival because because if you were different from society, if you didn't conform, you'd be left behind, and a single person without the tribe, without the group, would die, right like in their primitive society. So that's why it's so deeply wired in us that we all the time want to conform with the society.
We want to fit in. You know, I have been accused of being a bit of a vanguard and a maverick and a big mouth and not going along with the crowd. And it has to do with the fact that I, by my dad was in the navy, we moved a lot. By the time I graduated high school, I'd gone to ten different schools. So I always felt like an outsider and never felt a need to conform because I knew it only be there year anyway. And
as a result it has sustained me. I've gotten a little bit of trouble, okay, but for the most part, my big mouth that goes against the grain. That's a truth teller goes uh uh ah, No, that's not right. Why are we following that? But now in today's time, you know, we have a society where we have a government who's practicing kind of authoritarian ways. That's going to make people conform even more, isn't it.
Yes, Basically people think that whatever is legal or blessed by society is moral. So we we do not have many security wolves and do not have many switches that you know, we will do as a society really bad things if the society is blessing us.
Yes, So if.
The society tells that this, you know, you can shoot at people in this way, you can do those atrocious things. You can you can torture, you will do it because society gives you the permission.
This is so frightening. We have to go to a break. When we come back, I want you to talk about some practical, actionable strategies so that we can make smarter decisions as individuals. My guest is the author of Homo idiot idiootesis are you're right? Idioticis? It's idiot idioticus idioticalus Homo idiotic is why we are stupid and what we can do about it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Chazari Petras petrass seek. Oh my god, I got to learn how to speak Polish. Chazari. I'm just gonna call you Tazari.
That's perfect.
A brilliant entrepreneur, investor, and author. He is actually the owner of a leading AI company that predicts human behavior. That's where you got all this information. All right, you mentioned earlier that we will follow the crowd because it's basic survival. We will make all kinds of biological, intellectual, and social mistakes. What can we do about it? How can we walk to our own drum?
So there's there's many, many strategies, right, So one of the one of the critical important ones is the mindset. So basically the mindset is it's what you have cultivated. Right, you didn't follow the crowd because you knew that you are different, that you travel with your family who is in the navy, right, that you had strong values. You you didn't mind if somebody called you something that you didn't like, and that that that's the whole point. The
mindset is the most important thing. So for example, just to give you, since you mentioned the Navy, the mindset of the navy so stupid. It is about also tolerating things we should we should not tolerate. Just to give you an example from the navy. In the nineteen sixties, both US Navy and Soviet Navy had series of tragic accidents. Basically they lost a lot of Navy navies sorry SAPs.
And Russians just just went about this normally, while Americans decided, no, you have a mindset that you will not tolerate any any small difficulties, any small deficiencies, not no bed days in the office, nothing. Since that, they have never lost a boat, whereas the Russians have lost I think eight
or nine state of the art nuclear submarines. It's all about the mindset, the mindset, the mindset that it's okay to be different, yes, but it's also it is being vigilant and and not tolerating stupidity, not being not allowing yourself to you know, to well, I will not listen to it, I will or react to it without thinking I will, you know, I will not. I will not be using my brain much.
Well.
You mentioned also at the beginning of this that you know, in my case, for instancece I was always the outsider. Is that I could also tolerate if people didn't like me, because I knew I wouldn't be there that long necessarily. But I think we all have to be able to tolerate the feeling of shame every once in a while because they could be wrong, you know, and they'll try to shame us into all these kinds of behaviors, and we have to be the one to go uh uh ah.
I don't think that makes sense. And so as an individual, we could certainly do that, all right, What else can we do to make smarter decisions?
So feeding yourself with different information sources, so basically, you know, not reading biased press, just trying to access information from baff political sides, different journals, just not being in the eco jumber. This is this is critical. This is important. Traveling, right, meeting people from different cultures is really really helping because you can't understand different perspectives. You know, when I went to China, I spoke to the people there. You know,
I had a very Western and Western focused philosophy. I wasn't taught much about the fact that we as Europeans went to China in early nineteen hundreds and we quelled their rebellion there. We killed thousands of people, we burned their glorious palace, summer palace, et cetera. They still remember it. We don't, right.
And also, I do want to say that in a collectivist culture, like many Asian cultures, there's far less mental illness because sometimes our brain doesn't do well with too much freedom. But we like literally get confused, and it's very secure to know, like this is the hopey way, this is the way we do it. Okay, I don't have to think there. You mentioned trials.
Basic things go ahead. Yeah, Other basic things are such simple things like fitting yourself. So basically, bad quality food or insufficient food create visible reduction. Make you right. There's those studies that malnutrition can cause fifteen percent fifteen points it reduction.
But not just childhood nutrition.
We're talking about it was a childhood this one was childhood nutrition. There was another study down on a big group of I think eight graders in US where they were feeding groups with different things, and the group that was eating mostly fast food had twenty percent lower results cognitive results.
Wow, that's amazing. That's amazing.
That's a very basic thing. So so whatever you feed yourself, you know, literally and figuratively, he really impacts your humanity.
And you mentioned feeding your brain different information sources, you know. I do try to listen to a range of opinions with my podcasts and television, et cetera. And I deliberately make a point sometimes when I'm driving and it's a long drive, I'll be like, you know what, I'm going to give my hour to the other side. Let me see how they're doing this story. And I'm always shocked that there are a few things they say I agree with, and I'm like, wait a minute, maybe I'm a centralist.
And that's beautiful because this allows us to have free expression and freedom of speech, and that is very important, so that we can discuss the differences rather than you know, shout at each other.
And oh, one more before we go.
One more, one more for you to remember for all those people who are thinking about the cognitive decline while they are getting older. There is a study which shows a twenty one year old study, so they would follow with people for twenty one years when they discovered that partner dancing is off the charts in terms of prevention of the dementia. Forget cross puzzles, forget playing chess, forget playing golf, like nothing compares with partner dancing.
Okay, my jaw just fell on the table because in August I got married to a Dominican man who taught me to salsa dance. And now we go to all the family parties and I'm salsa dancing with my blonde hair and blue eyes and he's working me.
So you'll be in great physical and mental shame. You We are all todays.
Well ya, little review. Feed your brain, different information sources. Feed your brain healthy vegetables and lean proteins. Travel the world so you can learn about different cultures and take up some partner dancing. Wow. Okay, where can people get the book?
It's available on pre sale from Amazon. Its official launch date is twenty second of June, so you can you can get it on probably two days later.
Oh great, you're going to send me a copy because I want to read every word of it.
Yes, I will.
Homo IDIOTICUS idiot IDIOTICUS homo IDIOTICUS subtitle why we are stupid and what we can do about it? Jasai, thank you so much for being with us. What a treat. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI A M six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI A M six forty from seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app