@DrWendyWalsh is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. PLUS "Spring Break Ups"!

eight hundred and five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we get? We have Paul with the question. Hi Paul, It's doctor Wendy Paul. Are you there? Hello, Hidy, Yes, do you have a question? Hi?

thought we were going to get back together. Well, we ended up getting married again. And this was this was four years ago. It was it was beautiful. I mean, we ended up, but things were way different now, That's what I was going to say.

the hall to everything for at least a year. And I am just you know, trying to get through this, and it's causing a lot of rift in our marriage.

years and why does he still miss her? And then you said, you guys were married twenty years and then you got divorced, and then on and off for ten years, and then you got married again to each other four years later. The most common length of marriage where divorce is the highest is about around twenty years, when the empty nest happens, right, and then they haven't repurposed their relationship.

And so I want to remind you that you probably divorce not only because of the kids getting older and leaving the house, but also because sometimes relationships become so ingrown and meshed, and in order for people to grow as an individual, they feel they have to separate to

do it. Now, you guys are at the stage where you're pretting presented with a challenge, which is you finally got your groove back, you got remarried to each other, you were able to communicate I hope your needs and able to establish a new kind of relationship that you describe.

And now your relationship is about to hit a big vulnerable point a transition, and I would suggest again getting into the hands of a good therapist so that you can have a co pilot navigating this transition, because the relationship contract is going to have to be rewritten yet again, and you're obviously having an emotional experience as well as your physical health experience, right, and she's going to have

a reaction to it. And sometimes having a neutral party helping you make sense of all the chaotic feelings that come up when an unplanned for transition like this happens is the thing to do. So, Paul, I wish you the best. I wish you guys continue to love and support of each other. I personally think if you can get through divorce and then getting back together, that this is a piece of cake and you're going to be able to get there. But thanks for calling, Paul. All right,

let me move to social media. Dear doctor Wendy, I get the ick because I have a guy that will not use a condom, he complains when I try to get him to use one. I feel he doesn't respect me because he ignores my request. Should this be a deal breaker. I don't even have to think on this one. Yes, that's a deal breaker. Your needs are being ignored. Your body is being put in peril. No, I'm telling you

one hundred percent. That's the easiest test to find out if somebody would be a good mate to say, hey, put a condom on. If he says no, oh, then you're not gonna walk the baby a stroller. Dad, I don't know. You don't respect my needs. Forget it, get rid of them. Pay attention to that ick, she said, I got the ick. Yeah, you get the ick. Because it's time to say goodbye to him. That's a deal breaker. I don't care how cute he is. I don't care how much money he makes. I hear you right now. Yeah,

but but he does this, I don't care. This is a life and death decision. He could bring any number of germs into your body to hurt you. He could bring an unwanted child into your body. Just don't know. Goodbye, deal Baker, all right, dear doctor, Wendy. I have a best friend since I was six years old who recently got divorced. It's a very tough time for her. My husband told me that she has been ooh flirty and suggestive with him. He wouldn't lie to me. I feel

really angry with her. What's the best way to handle the situation? Okay, let me tell you what's happening. This is so common. So what happens when people go through divorce? First, I want to remind you that divorce is highly contagious within social circles, as marriage is too. By the way, I always say, if you're dating, always ask the person you're dating, like how many of their friends have gotten married recently or are engaged? Right, Because it's very contagious.

Divorce is also contagious. So, but when people first go through a breakup or divorce, they want to get their mojo back. They want to basically determine what their value is in the mating marketplace, so they're going to naturally be a little flirty. They're testing boundaries, etc. Now, you don't do it with your best friend's husband. You and I both know this is a moral dilemma here, and you're really feeling angry. You have to tell her your feelings.

Now she's gonna deny. I don't know. My husband said that it's not even true. I wasn't even dressed at sexy and I would just be nice to him. She's going to get defensive. So in order to prevent her from getting defensive, here's what you're going to First of all, you need to have seen something, because when you report

back on gossip it's really hard. My husband said, you need to actually witness something and then say later, Hey, you know when we were all over at my place and I noticed you put your hand on his arm a little bit when you were talking, I didn't like that. Stayed on your feelings and what you witnessed. Just stay with what you see, what you hear her doing, what you can observe, and then talk about your feelings about it. That made me feel uncomfortable. I'd like you to stop

doing that. That's all you do. Talk about what you saw or heard from hersey whatever, and then talk about how it fell to you, and then give her the new prescription. That's how you let people know that they pissed you off. All right, I think we have time? Do we have time for one more. Yes, okay, hey, doctor Wendy. Oh interesting. I wear wigs all the time, and no one but me sees my real hair. A fellow I am dating requested I take it off on one of our sleepovers. I feel he won't like me

anymore if he sees me without it. He thinks I'm not comfortable with him if I don't show him my hair. Who is in the wrong. You're both in the wrong because you're having sleepovers before you have trust and intimacy. That's what I'm gonna say. Okay, like, that's a lot. You're going to expose most of your body, but not all. There's gonna be like pick and shoes here on which body parts get to show up in bed. So there, you're wrong, But he's also wrong for I mean, he's right,

and you're right. You have a right to protect yourself. But you moved way too fast towards physical intimacy without being ready to be fully physically intimate. Right. I remember one time, Okay we'll go unnamed, but one person said to me before we had sex for the first time, we had been dating a little bit, and I thought he was going to he was so serious. He said, there's something you have to know before we before we

have sex. I'm just so embarrassed about this. But you know, if we're going to be intimate, I think she'd know everything about my body. And I'm like, oh, on on, he's got three of them. Is what is happening here? What is it is happening? And so I take it very seriously. I say yes, what is it? And he goes, well, I was hiking recently and a lot of downhill and my hiking boots I lost a toe, now, swear to God, to him that was like he'd lost every hair on

his body or something. And I was like, so, like, I probably won't be sucking toes. I don't know, Like, I don't why, who cares? Right? But it was a big deal to him. So I had to ask act really respectful. Right, So I think you need to say to him, when I feel safer, I'll be able to do this for now, Let's not be physically intimate until we get to that place emotionally, right. It's perfectly okay to do that, all right? So do I have time for one more? Are we going to the quickly? Okay?

Dear doctor Wendy, I'm dating for the first time in almost a year. Congratulation. I was avoidant because relationships make me anxious. How can I help myself not overanalyze every single thing? Yeah, over it's the word over analyze. We're supposed to be analyzing, but just don't over analyze. I hope you're not over analyzing yourself. You should be just

assessing the other partner and relaxing and having good time. Look, if you suffer from social anxiety and you have problems presenting yourself in intimate situations, this is something that's so highly treatable in therapy, So I would get yourself a wingman. Not sure your therapist is going to go on a date with you, but you know somebody who can talk to about strategies for this because they are easily easy

to overcome. But I'm glad you're out there. That's wonderful. Hey, when we come back, it is spring, a very exciting time of year. But there's something interesting that happens in relationships only, not only mostly in the springtime. I'll tell you about it when we come back. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

out of relationship, single again, whatever. Apparently there are two major spikes during the year when there are lots of breakups. You're going to be surprised about one. It's two weeks before Christmas. In a couple weeks before Christmas, it's almost like people are like, I am not going through the holidays with you, or if it's a young relationship, like they haven't been seeing each other. It's like I don't want to bring it home to the family. It's not

going to happen. So mid December that's when we see people changing their relationship status a lot on Facebook, and the other time is April springtime. I can't believe that breakups bloom in spring more than any other time. So let's talk about why.

you have somebody? So they cuffed down, right, They just they literally ignore a bunch of red flags and go, I'm gonna take this person for the holidays. It's gonna be fine. Well spring happens and cuffing season is over. Then they look at that person, I'm like, how did I ignore all those red flags? That's one reason. Another reason, now we're past Valentine's Day, there's something called the post Valentine's Day effect, or as I like to call it,

Singles Awareness Day. As soon as you hit the middle of February, people realize how unhappy they might be in their relationship, that everybody else seems to be having the most romantic time and they're not so. But by March people are starting to act on these ideas right and into April. But the other thing is I think having to do with the fact that we just get outside.

You know, we've been hibernating, We've had all our Netflix marathons, we're at outdoor gatherings, vacations, and we're meeting new people. The world feels expansive, our mating marketplace feels bigger. So we look around and go, should I put up with this person? Because look at all this opportunity out in the bright sunshine. And speaking of that, we clean house right spring. Cleaning is not only something we do because it's time to do it in our house, and if

you haven't cleaned your house, this is the time. Clean out those closets the garage too. This is the season. But it's a metaphor because when we exp eternally organized, it's a bid for us to internally organize. So you'll see people like cleaning like crazy because they're really trying to clean up inside. They're going to declutter their emotional lives, right, and maybe ask themselves, is this relationship helping me? Is it helping me grow? Do I feel seen? Do I

feel connected? The other thing that happens in spring, I know with me, temperatures start to rise, we start to wear less clothes, which means we suddenly become very conscious of our bodies. And so people start to eat less, they move more. They're getting in shape for bikini season. When you start to get in shape, that increases your hormones. Yeah, those sexy hormones. But it also I mean, what is getting in shape? It's getting yourself ready for the mating marketplace. Right.

I also, because I am someone who suffers from seasonal effective disorder, know that when the spring comes, my mood lifts. I feel so happy. People who do suffer from depression and anxiety around the darker days of the year feel themselves uplifted. Now, how does that cause a breakup? Because you look at your curmudgeon partner and you're like, you know what, they know, I'm not hanging out with that. I'm happy now. And also, some people just want to

be single for the summer, especially young people. It's like I'm going to be traveling, and if they're in maybe they've got a college boyfriend or girlfriend and they're going home for the summer to work. They're like, I don't want to be tied down, right, So, yes, spring is breakup season. But I would not be doing my job if I did not say that. There's a psychological mechanism that I haven't talked about. I talk about a lot

which is attachment theory. Right, So people who might have a secure, anxious, avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment style, let's see how spring plays into that. Well, somebody who was emotionally avoidant values autonomy and personal space, and so in spring ah feeling of new growth, reinvention, desire for independence. People might feel suffocated after the winter, hunkering down in

cuffing season. Now, people with an anxious attachment actually probably sense their partner, if their partner is avoidant moving away, they crave closeness, They fear abandonment. So the social buzz that happens around spring might trigger fears of being left behind, and this makes the clingy partner more clingy, and that

pushes the partner away. And you know, people with a secure attachment style Let's assume they don't break up, But if they do, they're only going to break up if the relationship clearly doesn't align with their values or their new growth. So attachment plays a role into it all the time as well. If you've ever been blindsided by a breakup, I mean it's rare that two people come together, have a meeting and say, you know what, No you go first? No, no, you go first. Well, I was

thinking maybe we should break up. Oh, I was thinking just the same thing. Never happens except in the movies. Instead, there's one person who's been on a slow burn getting ready for the breakup, and the other partners completely oblivious. Uh huh. There's actually new research that looks at the science of falling out of love, or as I like to say, when that window closes. Let me talk about how this works and this new study. When we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on

KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

follow a two phase decline. Oh no, you're not. You're gonna look at your partner totally differently after I explain the two phase decline. Look, plenty of people stay in relationships that aren't so happy anymore, and they do it because they're in love with hope and they just hope that things are gonna get better. But this new study indicates that for at least one partner, there's a point

of no return. They call this a transition. I love how the psychobabble of researchers a transition into terminal decline. We're saving the relationship is pretty much impossible. All right, let me break it down. So the inn the study, researchers tracked thousands of couples over time, and they measured two things. They asked them about their general life satisfaction and their satisfaction in their relationship, and then they compared

people who eventually separated with people who stayed together. Right, So they followed thousands of couples over a few years, quite a number of years in fact, as looking at this data, I think it was longitudinal studies that existed. And then they compared those that broke up with those that stayed together. This is a German study, by the way.

German researchers. They found that couples who go on to break up typically experience a mild decline in happiness for years, but then it's followed by this dramatic drop by at least one partner, drop in happiness by one partners. So what the researchers say, I'm going to explain these two phases in just a second. But what the researcher say is it doesn't matter how many years a couple has been together. This is not a predictor of whether they're going to break up. So some of these breakups were

people who had been together twenty years. Some of the breakups were people that were together two years. Right. What this research shows is that the time remaining until the breakup tells you more about the relationship health health. So they talk about time to separation. Okay, so let's talk about these phases. The first phase. So breakups happen in two stages. The first is called the pre terminal phase.

So what they found by looking at the data is that there is a small decline in relationship satisfaction by both parts nurse and one partner has a big decline in life satisfaction. Like in other words, I'm not happy in my relationship and I'm not happy in my life. I don't like my job, I don't like my friends, and I like where we live, whatever it may be that associates life satisfaction. So at least one partner has a two pronged dissatisfaction. They're not happy in their relationship

and they're not happy with their life. But the other partner is just not happy in their relationship. They know something's going on, so they're the ones that hang on

and wait until there is this transition point. No, I got to say, I didn't need science to tell me this because back in the day, when I was single, when my friends were in relationships whatever, women always talked about this moment where the window just closes for a woman and there's nothing he could say or do to get you back, and you're just filling time until you're ready to leap right. THEO we call it. Once that window closes, there's nothing you can do. Well, these researchers

call it the transitional point, that window closing. Now, how long does it take to break up after that window closes? This is really interesting. The researchers found, and they looked at thousands of couples. It takes anywhere from seven months

to two years. Now, I remember years ago, I had a woman on this show who is like not a lawyer, but she's like an investor, and she invests in really high end divorces, right, because what happens in really wealthy couples is one person likes to hide the money and leave the other one house rich, cash poor till they're forced to sell the house. Is the common thing. And you can guess the genders on that anyway. And so she says, divorces happen two to four years before anybody

says the d word, because people are busy. You know, in traditional heterosexual relationships, the dudes are busy stashing money with family members or offshore accounts, and the women are busy getting boob jobs and butt jobs and their lips injected, all because I just want to feel fresh, you know. But actually they're both unconsciously or consciously planning for the divorce. So this research is interesting because it kind of supports that.

It says, you know, once that transition point happens, it's seven months to two years before the actual breakup happens, and then it comes the terminal phase. In that timeframe, the terminal phase is characterized by a sharp decline in relationship satisfaction. But get this, less of a decline in life satisfaction. So here's what the researchers think that once one partner has closed the window and went, Okay, I'm out, I'm not going to stay in this relationship, the other

partner's hanging on with hope. But what is that other partner doing and why is their life satisfaction going up? Because they're either shopping for new maids, having affairs, getting in shape, getting you know, their finances in order. They're preparing, they're preparing, and the other person just waiting by the study also found that many people are blindsided by a breakup. People who were the recipients of the breakup entered the

terminal phase much later. Oh, that's why breakups do feel asymmetrical. One person wants out and the other one doesn't. So they wanted to look at these couples and say, is there a way to save the relationship. It's one of the most common questions I get, doctor, Wendy, Do you think it's worth it? Or should I throw in the towel? Is it worth working on? Of course I always say it's worth working on, even if you're just going to go to marital therapy to do some conscious and coupling.

But most people go to marriage and family therapists way too late, when they're already in the terminal phase. So these researchers say, the key is that you want to get there in the pre terminal phase when you're both feeling a little eh, this isn't going so great. I'm not. At least one of you is like, I'm not so happy with my life. Ayeh, just feel a little h and the other one saying, well, maybe we'll just wait

and see if things get better. No, no, no, no no. If you suspect things are declining, Do not wait for them to get better, get into couple's therapy. That's all I'm gonna say. Hey, that brings it to an end. I love being with you guys every Sunday from seven to nine. Sometimes we end a little early because there's other important special stuff for you. If you miss any part of the show. Here's what you need to do.

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here for you live every Sunday. Remember follow me on my social media at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. It's all my always, my pleasure to be with you. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday, and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app