This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. And remember, we will continue to keep you informed about the Los Angeles protest in their third day now, where the National Guard troops have had tense standoffs with protesters. The governor and Mayor Bass have been
involved calling for order. We are going to continue to cover this as we return to my content my show, which is about the science of love. We are answering your relationship questions sent to me via direct message on my instagram if you want to send me a message. The instagram is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. All right, dear Doctor Wendy, My girlfriend gets really flirty when we go out. She says she's just being friendly. But I feel comfortable. Should I speak up or let
it go? Where are you gonna let it go to? I just want to say that it's still gonna be there. You're gonna observe it, You're gonna have feelings with it. Yes, you should speak up. Here's the problem. People are afraid to speak up about when they see somebody being flirty because they think it's gonna make them look weak and insecure, Like, baby, why are you always flirting with the other guys? I
don't like that. Uh, But there are other ways to say it, like, hey, so you're in a committed a relationship with me, and oh, by the way, you have to comment on something actual, concrete. You can't do a general I think you're flirty. Whenever we go out, should be like, I'm not flirty. When do you mean I'm flirty?
You have to literally say. The other night, when we were at that restaurant and you were chatting for a long time with Chad, I noticed that you were very close in his personal space, and when you would comment and laugh, you would touch him. This looked kind of flirtatious, and I think he could have gotten the wrong idea from you because we're in a committed relationship. I also feel it was a little disrespectful to me, So let's
talk about your behavior in public. If you don't want to be in this relationship in public, then we need to talk about that. Right, that's the conversation that needs to have there. Okay, it doesn't look weak to say I felt a little disrespected. That's not okay, And I think you're misleading people around you, right, all right, moving along into the dms. Oh, here's one I like this one. Dear doctor Wendy, My partner's best friend. Partner's best friend
is someone, Oh he used to hook up with. Uh huh, he says it's in the past. Am I wrong for feeling uneasy about that? This is like the question I answered earlier? Is this person still their emotional I mean, there's so much research to show that usually a physical affair affair causes less damage to a relationship than an emotional affair.
So that's really the question.
Do you worry that he's betraying secrecies, intimacies about your relationship with that person? Right, that's what you have to ask yourself. Where is his emotional lifeline? And this question so many people ask us, am I wrong for feeling just that sentence shouldn't exist in English language. No feelings are right or wrong, No feelings are good or bad. They're just messengers telling you something. They're telling you that
this isn't right for you. It doesn't sit well with you, So you need to bring it up.
All right?
Moving along, Dear doctor Wendy. I feel like I'm always giving in this relationship. I'm giving emotionally, I'm giving, financially, I'm giving everything. How do I bring it up without starting a fight?
Oh? Oh, this is a can of worms.
Everything I needed to know about you I learned in this last sentence. How do I bring it up without starting a fight? Your fear of conflict, which ultimately could lead to abandonment. Your fear of abandonment is bigger than your fear of stating your needs. Right. You are so afraid that there's going to be an explosive fight and it'll all be over, that you're just going to give and give and give and what Just be in love
with hope. Just be in love with hope. Like we talked about earlier, the witness named Jane from the p Didty trial. She gave and gave and gave to the point where she was a broken, broken person because she didn't want to lose Sean P.
Diddy.
So how much are you going to give? When are you going to grow backbone? When you're going to grow boundary? When are you going to be able to know that it's okay if takers leave right, it's okay, It's okay to fight.
You know what.
There's healthy fighting too, and healthy conflict. Once you learn that and set up some boundaries, then you'll be able to have a healthy relationship. But sitting around waiting and being in love with hope, hope that they'll change, hope that they'll start giving, is going to do nothing. So okay, I will answer one question, how do I bring it up?
I'm going to eliminate the second part of that question without starting a fight because you have no idea what the reaction is going to be, So just how do I bring it up? Will you bring it up? When both of you are calm, well rested, not hungry and hungry, angry, lonely or tired, and you sit down as a good moment and you say, it feels like I give a lot in this relationship emotionally and financially and name some other things, and I'm wondering when you're going to reciprocate
that's all you do? Will there be a fight? Maybe because takers are trying to make you feel bad about having feelings, just say it.
Good luck to you. You should bring it up.
And if you have to move along to somebody who's not such a taker, that's a great idea. All right, I think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy. Every time I succeed at something, my boyfriend seems weirdly distant and called, Oh, is that jealousy or am I reading into it? No?
Yeah, it's his own insecurity. That's what it is. He is insecure. So yeah, I'm sorry.
You've got to bring it up in that way, Like say, I noticed that when I accomplished this or I did that, it felt like you really, you know, uh didn't really praise me for it, or you felt intimidated or something.
Can you tell me what your feelings were around that? Right?
I remember one time I had a boyfriend. He was in the restaurant business, and I literally said I was driving my bike on the bike path in La and there was this restaurant that was going out of business, and I literally said to him, oh my god, that.
Is such a pretty location.
And I had just gotten through culinary school and I said, ah, I dream of opening a little restaurant like that.
He got so mad.
He goes, I'm a professional restauranteur and you're telling me. He goes like me saying, I'm going to go be a news anchor. And I said, well, if you wanted to and that was your passion, I would hear you on for that. So weird, he felt so insecure. I guess he was afraid I was going to open up a restaurant that would do better than him his Who knows. Hey, when we come back, let us talk about the most joyful and hard work on the planet, and that is
the hard work of love. Listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Lindey Walls Show. I'm ki AM six forty, live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You know, one time I was going through a you know, at Gelson's, the cashier, and it was just before Thanksgiving, and there was an older lady in front of me. I was like a young single mom, and I was feeling overwhelmed with all the turkey and the side dishes and whatever, and she had all her stuff for Thanksgiving and I just made a comment to create commonality what you do as strangers in public. And I said, oh, it's so much work for Thanksgiving and she said, oh, dear,
but it's joyful work, isn't it. And I thought, wow, there's some work that can be joyful this week. Well, And actually I did it over the course of a weeks because it took so long. I dug out all the poop in my goat pen and power washed it and put fresh shavings down. I'm going to do it every month from now on because it's so great that it's so clean. And I was sweating just taking the wheelbarrow full of you know what to.
The compost pile.
It was so much physical labor, but it was joyful work, right. I was taking care of my kids, literally kids on baby goats. So sometimes hard work can be joyful, and probably no better kind of joyful hard work than the work of love. People will say about their relationships, you know, oh, you know, relationships are work. Yeah, they do take work. So let's talk about what kind of work we're talking about, you know, the biggest work.
And I hear people when I say, oh, why did you break up? Over? Why did you divorce? What happened?
They throw this blanket word out that is supposed to explain their entire marriage and the downfall. And that blanket word is communication. We just have bad communication. Well, nearly half of all adults and relationships say that they really do struggle to express their emotional needs. And the research is clear silence can sap connection over time.
Right.
I've had women say to me, you know what, I just stopped trying because I was so exhausted because my partner just kept tuning out. Right, So let's talk about some of the mindsets that you may have that may hurt your love life. And then let's talk about a prescription of what I think the good work, the joyful work of love is. So the first bad mindset is this idea about destiny.
I'm sorry.
According to research from the University of Baselos who believe in soulmates are actually more satisfied wait for it, wait for it at the beginning of their relationship. But for people who treat their relationships as a work in progress, they're more content in the long run.
Ooh, I like this all right?
Here's another thing that can another thought mindset that can hurt your love life. Thinking that the emotional labor imbalance is okay, right, this idea that women hold all the emotional keys, that women should bear the emotional load alone.
Believe it or not, it.
Wasn't until recent decades that we started going, oh, so dudes have feelings. Oh so dudes can express their feelings. Wow, they just need to learn the words. Now, I will say, if you're one of those feeling dudes who's always been a good communicator, you My husband, I think has always been that way. He says he hasn't. He said, it's something he learned in recent years.
So there you go.
You can't teach an old dog nutrix. So there's also this emotional labor imbalance. But there's also the equality trap, and that's the physical labor imbalance. If you believe in this day and age that one gender should I'll just stop right there at the words should one gender should and the other gender should do anything, You're gonna have problems in your relationship and the work is going to be very difficult.
Right.
The final thing is people believe they need to sacrifice for love. Now, compromise for love, sure, but sacrifice. You're suddenly romanticizing being a martyr.
Right.
You need to learn how to get your how to express your needs. First of all, how to believe that your needs are worthy and be able to express them. All Right, So let's talk about a bullet prove prescription for what you can do to do the healthy work of love. First of all, shift your mindset. Cupid didn't come down with his bow. You weren't anointed by a fairy glitter. It didn't just happen. Your partnership is like a garden. It's not a fairy tale. You got to
plant importancy. You gotta water, You got to fertilize it. And don't only water the weeds because then they grow bigger. Also, I know you think it sounds unromantic, but you have to schedule your connection. Research shows that you need to spend Are you sitting down. It's not a big number to me, It might sound like a big number to you. About six hours a week, six hours a week just
focusing on your relationship. That doesn't mean going to a movie together and counting those two hours in the theater as your relationship. I mean talking to each other one on one that's a little less than an hour a day, okay for emotional check ins, planning time together, and during this scheduling of connections, hopefully there's some physical touch going on. And when you are communicating, you want to be using
those feel words. I feel you know when X happens, I feel this, don't say you make me feel no, because nobody can make you have a feeling. You have your own honest feelings that came you deserve to have them. Great, somebody made you have a feeling. So when X happens, I feel this, how could we find a solution or would you be willing to change this so that I wouldn't feel so bad? That's how healthy people communicate right. Also,
check your tone, Be calm, be respectful. Remember how much you loved this person when you first began to date. Remember how special they were to you, So stop blaming them and calling them names. Be gentle. They are somebody's child. Their heart is in your hands. Also, don't demand you need to I want you to do more of No no, no, no, no, How about asking would you consider doing this or how would you feel if we did this? Right?
Try to get them in touch with their feelings. Right.
Also, I say this all the time. Acknowledge them, Acknowledge them, Acknowledge them, their efforts, their efforts, their efter Thank you for texting, thank you for letting me know, thank you for doing that. Oh I so respect that you did that. That is amazing. I feel like I thank Julio for things all day long. Let me tell you something. Relationships don't thrive on magic, fairy dust, Cupid's bow, the planets aligning, soulmates finding each other. They are an exchange of care
and they thrive on consistent care, honest communication. Oh and that big one empathy. So it's not about those big grand gestures. It's just about showing up for about an hour a day and focusing on your relationship. That is the joyful work of love. So if you're looking for ideas of how to invest in your relationship, when we come back, let's talk about a new trend that is happening with.
Lots of couples called the arbitrary versary.
Let's talk about it when we come back, and remember, we will continue to keep you informed about the Los Angeles protest in their third day now, where the National Guard troops have had tense standoffs with protesters. The governor and Mayor Bass have been involved calling for order. We are going to continue to cover this. You're listening to the Doctor Ndywall Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendywall Show on kfive AM six forty.
Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Don't forget that.
Download the iHeartRadio App, then you search Dr Wendy Walsh and then there's this little button called the pre set button. You click on that and if you ever miss any part of the show, it doesn't matter. You just open that app and it'll go right to where you left off last time. It'll always be there because you're pre set.
Get it.
Dr Wendy Walls Show on the iHeartRadio App. We're talking about the science of love here on the Dr Wendy Walls Show. But that doesn't mean we're going to stop covering those important social unrest. The protests that are happening around Los Angeles have been happening for three days, there were ten standoups as you've been hearing, and the mayor and governor are doing their best to keep everything peaceful. We're going to continue to cover it throughout the night
and tomorrow, so always stay tuned to KFI. But right now, let's talk about something that's important to all of us. Do you know what an arbitrary is? An arbitrary versary? Well, it's a mouthful, That's what it is. An arbitrary versary. It's like an anniversary arbitrarily like for any old reason.
So it's a trend. Love these trends.
Some couples are ditching the idea of celebrating traditional milestones. Now, if you've been listening to me for a while, you know that I do not like Hallmark holidays. I don't like forced anything, forced grieving awakes, I don't like forced celebration for no reason. Well, the calendar turned to a new year?
Who invented that?
When?
Why are we drinking? What's happening?
And I definitely don't love Valentine's Day because it's just pressure and it's designed to sell us things. So plenty of couples are now ditching some of these traditional milestones.
For something.
Well, I would say a little more playful, but if you think about it, it's actually more meaningful. And they're calling them arbitrary reversaries, so they could actually be good for your relationship. Let's talk about it. So examples might be like, I know that Julio and I do celebrate a lot of arbitrary versaries for no reason because he
uses the word novelty. We need novelty, We need novelty because apparently he's been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh radio show and he knows that the research on long term, happy, relatively happy couples is that they never get stuck in routine, right, there's always this novelty that shows up. I've often said this, and I'm not talking about your sex life. Well, it
could apply to your sex life. I mean, sometimes you just put your partner in a new room, in a new outfit and things get, you know.
A little more spicy.
But that also applies to emotionally doing something completely different with your partner. So one of the things that Julio and I have done, because we met during the COVID pandemic and we were on lockdown, is I made a lot of picnics. So we love to choose places we've never been before to just go picnic. And I can't pack surprising food.
You know.
He's got food anxiety. He's one of those that over my shoulder when I'm cooking, what's in that? What is that thing?
I don't know if I can eat that.
Literally, I have fed him things that he found delicious, but once I told him what was in it, he goes, why did you tell me? Now I can't eat it because I know it has mayonnaise in it. I'm like, for real, you tasted it, you liked it, and now you've decided you don't like it. Crazy, right, So but
we do do picnics, no surprise food. One time we wanted to see Tina Fay and Amy Poehler and they were like four hundred dollars in Los Angeles, and then we saw that they were playing in Portland, which is about a four hour drive from my farm in Oregon, and he goes, let's just be up at your farm in organ Unlet's drive four hours to show where the kind of people would do that. We did sleep over at an airbnb, you know, but we made it a field trip.
We made it an event.
We love to do hikes to nowhere, like we just don't know where we're going, which is always fun and.
Scary because you could get lost.
And I make anniversary dinners out of a boring Tuesday night. I am one of those people. My mom raised me this way where I pull out the fine china, silver everything, the crystal, the table claws, I decorate with fresh flowers, I light a candle, I put quiet jazz or New York piano music on, and I make a fancy dinner at a meat loaf. I mean, I just like to create the whole ambience. That's my thing, and he likes it too. So how do these silly moments help our relationships?
Well?
According to one survey done by love Sense, they found that one in four couples say that most often they feel stuck in routine. Right, So if you take this arbitrary versary and make it a mini celebration, you can break monotony in your relationship and celebrating these tiny moments can actually help couples build connection and honoring everyday kindness. As I said, I've said this many many times. If you missed it, I'm gonna.
Say it again.
We need to express gratitude and appreciate our partners as much as possible. So there's also real scientific research. You know. My favorite research is the Marriage Lab up the University of Washington, John Gottman and his crew. They tell us that long term satisfaction doesn't come from those big grand gestures, certainly not from Valentine's Day. It comes from those consistent, small acts of emotional connection. John Gottman, the famous relationship researcher,
calls them positive sentiment override. Well, that's some psychobabble. Positive sentiment override. He has this idea that our relationships have sort of a ratio of positive and negative. Right, it's not all perfect, and if you have a little more positive overriding the negative, you will do better. So on social media, couples are starting to share their arbitrary versaries. Oh that's so cute, So you can you can google that, you can look for it.
So here's a little bit advice.
Choose something small, funny, meaningful. Call it your first taco night together, the first time you laughed at two am together, and re celebrate it in some way. Mark the celebration with a joyful toast, A funny, mean, a silly little five minute dance party.
I don't know.
Take a photo, leave a note, record a voice memo so that you can look back on that time later.
Like literally.
Our first date was around a fire on August twentieth of twenty twenty, and it at a certain restaurant, and every time we go there, I go, that's our place, honey. That was the very first place we met on that bumble matchup right, and do it regularly.
Now we have sentiment. We were really sad to hear that Will.
Rogers historic home burned in the Palises fires, because that was our main place that we would go and have our picnics.
That was very sad, all right.
I just want to say life isn't just about the big moments, although we do need those rituals, those big graduations, but we also need to have many moments where we just show appreciation, we just care about somebody. So I want you to put your thinking hat on and this week I want you to think of an arbitrary versary that you can do with the person you love. It is always my pleasure to be with you on KFI every Sunday from seven to nine. If you miss any
part of the show. Remember, you can go to the iHeartRadio app, just download it and just search doctor Wendy Walsh and there it will come up. But I'm always here for you. Every Sunday, you and listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app