This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Wall Show. I'd like to welcome now my Instagram audience. You are now in the studio with us on Instagram. I'm about to take people's calls. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred and five two zero one KFI. Give us a call. Producer Kayla
will screen the call and if you have a relationship question. Reminder to everybody, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I have written three books on relationships and my dissertation was on attachment theory and hey, for what it's worth, let me weigh in on your love life. All right. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who do we have on the line. We have Steve with the question. Steve. Hello, Steve, it's doctor Wendy.
Well. Hi Dot to Wendy. I'm a huge fan and a huge and how nice here I am? I'm glad. Okay, yeah, well this is the thing. I'm financially independent. I'm sixty years old and I met a wonderful woman on bumble like you did. Oh nice, I'm been a man and six weeks in si relationship things were going great. I have a second home on Ogrean Coast and I invite her there and then as a blue she just decided that we were incompatible and she just blocked me on everything.
And then I tried to reach out to her and that was a bad idea and then she was firing, like you know it was. There's no way to connectle with her, so I had no closure. And it's just awful. Steve. I know, first of all, I have twenty girlfriends who want to fix you up with Let me just say that right now. You fit the profile of everybody I know. So let me just say this.
So, Steve, you described yourself as being sixty financially independent, You met this great woman, you go out for six weeks, and all of a sudden she goes to you and she didn't give you any closure or any information. I want everyone to hear this, because no matter who you are or how old you are. Being ghosted is so injurious because you're left wondering was it something I said? And Steve, if it's any consolation, it's happened
to me many times. Okay, like people just they don't have the emotional intelligence, the emotional strength to be able to talk about what's really going on.
So I want you the first thing I want you to do, Steve, to help heal yourself in this sense is just tell yourself that you dodged a bullet, because being in a relationship with somebody who can't talk about their feelings is never good, right, So you should be doing the touchdown cheer that she took off instead of dragged you through the mud for a long time. And also, when you're feeling at a loss, surround yourself by people who do love you, your family, your friends, your colleagues, so
you can get your mojo back and remember who you are. By the way, did she you said you reached out and contacted her, Did she give you any or was she kind of rude and cryptic? She just very quickly said, you know we're not compatible, you know, you know, we just not not on the same page, And I'm like, we have a
great time together. I mean, we had fantastic dates and you were, you know, getting kissing on me and you know, and then we waited to have sex like a month, which is so you had already entered into a sexual relationship and she disappeared interesting. Yeah, and she hadn't orgasm, yeah, and you felt there was a good experience for her. So there's something like a bad sexual incompatibility. So it's just a bummer. And now I'm thinking, you know, I don't know I how you want to go
back on it? You do have to, And let me tell you this that finding a great mate is a little bit of an endurance test to go through a bunch of bad mates to get there. If you look back and assess what happened in order to preserve yourself, is there anything you would have done to slow things down? Is there anything that you could do next time? Use it for what you could do in the future. But Steve,
get on back there and send me a DM. I got some girlfriends, but would love to meet you, all right, Producer, Kayla, who do we have next? We have Jordan? Jordan Jordan, Hello, Jordan, It's doctor Wendy Hey, how you doing, Doc? Good? Hey Jordan, I just want to say really quick to my Instagram audience who are
watching, they're only hearing one half of the conversation. I do try to repeat the question, but if you do want to hear both sides, download the iHeartRadio app and then you can hear both on the Doctor Wendy Well Show. Okay, Jordan, go ahead, what's your question? Love? Yeah? So I have been loving and listening to this for a great advice and as I get back into dating for myself, I started entertaining a young lady and and gone on a couple of dates, and you know, we kind
of text here and there. But I think what I'm most nervous about is how much is too much over communicating or undercommunicating when you're first trying to get to know somebody. Oh what a good question. I'm glad you're thinking about that. So Jordan's question is how much is too much communication or under communication when you're first getting to know somebody. So if you've gone on a couple dates, I would say that the contact should start to be consistent. Now,
I'll tell you what women hate. Women hate men that text all the time and never set up a date. They feel like he's got a roster of women that he's just keeping in the corral through texting. So I would say that the purpose of your texting shouldn't be just how is your day? Like, don't have the relationship through text, but really like, hey, I had a good time seeing you last week. You mentioned that you're into whatever musical artists or whatever sport or whatever. Would you like to see if
I could get tickets to that? Right, Like, we love real questions with real plans in text instead of just checking in with a high how are you? Did you have a good day? It feels wasteful to us. It's not relationship building. Now if you're not the way you gauge how much is too much communication is their response? So if you write two or three sentences and they don't respond for twenty four hours and they respond with two words,
you've been given your information. Right. I always say, everybody gets not three two times up at bat, two times up at bat, and then you strike out, So you might send one more text and if again they're lazy, then just move away. You don't even have to say anything, just kind of move away and see if they come back. You're looking for reciprocity, You're looking for somebody to mirror the level that you're doing. But if you've only dated somebody one or two times, texting every single day?
And how are you tonight? Love? Where are you? Wait? No? Way too much, way too much, too soon, But use it for making plans, Jordan, luck to you. I'm so excited for started dating somebody. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do we have? Now we have Jennifer with a question. Jennifer, Hi, Jennifer, it's doctor Wendy. Hi, doctor Wendy. So I've been dating. I've been since it's been about two years since i've been divorced. And I'll tell
you it's really hard to find chemistry. It is, but I found someone who is a little bit younger than what I normally date, and but we we do. We have chemistry connection communication, which is huge. Like you just said, how many years between the two of you? So five, he's five years. But I've been tapping into my new dating pool is older and I'm forty five, and so I like the mid fifties. It's just been I like that, but I'm they're lacking. So the forty five year
old or I'm sorry. The forty year old is the one that I have chemistry with, but he's lacking mindset and ambition at the level that I used to. But we've been seeing each other for a few months now, and it's hard because I feel like it's been We've had two incidents where we've had a misalignment and something's gone down and he retracts for two three days instead of talking. Oh yeah, I thought you had said he had good communication, but he retreats. And these are the two times, and the last ones
have happened yesterday after a barbecue. Yes, and I actually reached out this morning and said, hey, I know we need to talk. Call me and I haven't heard And this the second time, and it's really disappointing because he's the one that I have connection and chemistry with, which is hard to find with the other. So what I would do, I'm a big believer
in commenting on sort of the dynamic. Instead of like, hey, like, reach on and call me whatever, I would say something like I noticed I haven't heard from you, and I'm wondering, you know, sort of like I'm wondering, how do I find the words to say something like where you learned to put distance when there's a little bit of discomfort and just something I'd like, do you want them to start to think about their patterns without really blaming them? So you're kind of like not, like, so is
this how you fight because you don't want to text? Is hard? You know, if you had, if you could get on the phone, you could say something like, hey, you know, I come from a kind of family when there's a little bit of a rupture that we want to talk about it and have some resolution. But it sounds like you have a different way when you express you know, and they might not even be aware that they have this pattern, right, and so and I'm sorry, how long
did you say you're You've been seeing him three months? Yeah, so this is the time, right, it's like lessing to have his idea go monogamous. We literally were just going to have that talk this weekend and then this happened. Uh and what was the rupture at the barbecue? So we were going and he said, we're on going to stay for a little bit. I think we didn't have the same plans on timing. And I said, okay, good. I wasn't really feeling well he said, we're only going
to stay for a little bit. I said, okay, can we have a word to be able to get out, like a code word or something, you know, I was trying to prevent case on that feeling well and my first time meeting is friends, and so said, we'll just text me, just text me and I'll look at my text and I say okay. So after three hours there, I said I'm ready to go, and I texted him. He said, well, let's do another forty five minutes. And I'm like, okay. Well forty five minutes turned into an hour and
a half. Okay, So at a time an hour and a half, I was thinking exit plan, Do I need an uber and leave? This is going to be rude, And finally he said okay, let's go. So in the car I was upset. Yeah, you have every reason to be upset because you were not. It was a bid for care. You were feeling under the weather. You'd had a deal that he broke. He broke the contract, right, he had a contract with you that said I will take care of your needs. Just send me a text when you're ready
to go. I think three hours is plenty amount. I thought you were going to say so. About twenty minutes into I said, so, what you've learned about him? This isn't really just about communication. This is about him being unable to care for you. So. I know you say it's hard, Jennifer, but dating is an endurance test. You might have to move along on this one. This is your old auntie talking to you right now. I don't think he can come around if he's not taking care of
your needs and what you needed. I'm so sorry. When we come back, I'm going to continue to take your calls and answer your relationship questions. The numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. I Am six
forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, and I am taking your calls. Hi Producer, Kayla, who do we have, hi, Doctor Wendy, we have heaven with the question Kevin Hi, Kevin Eavin. It's doctor Wendy. Are you there? Hit that button? Kayla, yes, Hi, what's your question? Love? Quick? Background? My wife and I've been there in about thirty two years. My daughter congratulations. Now for her first thank you her. We're
going to meet her significant other for the first time. They lived back east and this is her first really serious relationship. And I was just wondering what topics not to dress or go into and maybe you have a suggestment something to maybe ask? Good question. Okay, So how old are they? Uh, thirty and thirty one? I believe they're full on grown ups. And how long have they been together? Just under a year? Oh good,
okay, so it's time. It's time. So here's the thing. He's going to be nervous as heck, absolutely nervous and meeting his girls, and he's excited and all that, but he's nervous. Your job at this stage only is to build rapport. Remember what Shakespeare said, keep your friends close and your enemy's closer. You don't actually know what he's going to be yet, you're not really sure how he's gonna treat her, but you want to have rapport and a relationship so that you can really see what's going on.
If he feels uncomfortable, then he's going to say next time, you know, if we're going back, Wes, I don't want to stay at your parents' house, or he's gonna have a lot of influence on how much you get to see your daughter and everything else. So at the beginning, all about hey, so where are you from, and what do your parents do? And tell me about this? What sports team you're looking for? Commonality and rapport building, and to keep him feeling calm and relaxed. He knows
he's going to be investigated by you. He knows you're quietly checking him out. How are you treating my daughter? Is what you're thinking in your head, But you can't let that out at the beginning. You got to keep it just and friendly and warm and rapport building because your job is to try to make everybody feel comfortable. Down the road, if he hangs around, you'll get more information. At the beginning, just make him feel comfortable because
he's nervous, Kevin, he's nervous to meet you. Well, thank you so much, thank you very much, thank you for calling. All right, producing Kayla, who do we have? Now? We have Doug with a question. Okay, all the guys call in today. Hi Doug, it's doctor Wendy. How are you good? What's your question? Love?
You know, I listened to your show for some time, and I have heard you talk about like some of the negative traits that men have as far as relationships go, and women have a lot of bad ones too, By the way, yes, of course, but I wondered, how would someone foster the good behaviors or how would someone find out what good behaviors are for that matter. You know, maybe someone has never been shown the correct way.
You want to know something funny, I wrote a book back in nineteen ninety eight called The Boyfriend Test, How do We Evaluate him before you Lose your Heart? And I got so many emails from men saying, thank you so much. This was the best cheat sheet now I know how to behave
And it was kind of a ninety day probation test. You know. The point is, if you are what I would call a good guy, right, a high value mate, then you're going to have self esteem and boundaries so you're able to say no if she looks like she's a little crazy and asking you to do things you don't want to do, but you're also what is a relationship. A relationship is an exchange of care, and that care
can make take all kinds of forms. But I don't know. If you heard the caller who called in earlier, you know she's feeling under the weather. She was going to barbecue with his friends and said, what's our code when I feel like I really need to go? He said, just send me a text. She did, and he wasn't interested in leaving, so he wasn't caring for her. So being a good person, no matter what
your gender, is responding to someone's bids for care. If someone says you're asking a woman out and you say I'll come pick you up and she says no, I actually prefer to bring my own car, then respect her. She's saying, hey, I don't feel safe with you yet you're not my safe person, And go, oh, I totally understand. Can I reimburse
you for your uber or whatever right or your childcare? Think about what you can do to make someone feel special, But at the same time, you don't want to fall into the trap of being such a mister nice guy that you become a doormat, right, which means you have to have your own self esteem. I often said I said this in my book to Boyfriend Test. We love guys that have a plan. Confusing to women is a guy who calls us or texts us and says, hey, you want to go
out sometime. You're kind of interesting. I'm like, ough, what's special about that? But if there's a guy who's going places, who has his own life, who's busy, we want to jump on his wagon. Right. So if he sends a text that says, hey, I got two tickets to the Dodgers on Friday night at eight o'clock, do you want to go? That's like saying I'm going anyway, you want to come with me? If not, there's somebody else. You don't say that, But that's
what the implication is. Here are the things I'm doing. Want to come along, which is a whole different thing. Then I don't know, what do you like to eat? What do you want? Right? So, you want to show this self confidence, you want to show this self esteem, but you also want to respect their bids for care, if they want their own transportation, if they, you know, want to leave early, it's you have to respect that. And it's just about mutual respect is what
it is. But anyway, I'm sure there are used copies of the boyfriend test on somewhere out there. I think I think I posted an updated version on my Patreon. In fact, you can go to patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walls if you want to come into my patreon private world. But thank you for calling Doug. All right, I do not want to neglect my social media, So let me go to social media and see who's got some questions here. Dear doctor Wendy. Am I wrong for telling my girlfriend
to limit touching other men? Hmm? She always gives out hugs and it makes me uncomfortable, she says, I'm being controlling. Is it controlling or just wanting respect? Ooh ooh. The fact you word it just wanting respect is kind of interesting to me. I'd have to see the kind of hugs. Do they linger too long? Is it a whole body hug or is it just a shoulder and chest and a little pat on the back? I
mean it's kind of hug as part of it. And are you doing it for the respect or is it that you don't want her to mislead or be suggestive with those men? Are you feeling lower self esteem because you're worried that because she gives a man a hug? And again, I don't know those situations. If it is is a social situation and you see someone at a party and it's a friend, you do lean in and give him a little hug. It's all about the kind of hug. Are you threatened by that?
Can you know that she loves you, she's with you? Right? You don't have to feel threatened by it, all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I found out my boyfriend is going to ask me to move in with him. I don't think I want that. I love having our own places. I don't want him to think I'm not taking this relationship seriously, and I know he will. How can I reject his offer without making him feel rejected? You can't, all right? So the question really is why are
you in this relationship if you don't want it to move forward? Now? I don't know how long you've been together. If your boyfriend's going to ask you this and you've been dating three months, I'd say, oh, you're right, slow it down. So your answer is going to be, you know what, dude, I love you. This is great I like where
it's going, but it's a little too early for this question. On the other hand, if you've been dating two years and have your own apartment and I don't know if you've had the conversation about marriage and kids or moving in or whatever, then I'd question why you want to leave him hanging in limbough because relationships tend to go somewhere, and the best relationships get completely committed. So just going to say that, Uh, dear doctor Wendy, when is
love not enough? I've been with my husband for thirteen years and I feel we have love and it's history. But is that enough to spend the rest of my life with him? I am fifty three? Okay, So here's the thing. Two issues here. One is love changes. So if you think the early excitement of all those exciting neurotransmitters that are in the dopamine and the neurop enough frunt of an oxytocin and that cocktail of deliciousness of lust,
that's not coming back with this guy. Ever, however, it gets replaced with something more meaningful, something more connected. It sounds to me like you guys are not connected. Right, So before I just jump ship, I go to therapy and try to work on the relationship and then see if you're ready to move on. When we come back, I have a very special guest. I'm so excited about her. I've wanted to have her on this show for so long and she is here in the studio. Hospice noose nurse.
Why do I say news, Hospice nurse Julie. Listen. If you're planning on exiting the planet at the end of your days, not today, not tomorrow, or if you have a loved one who has a terminal illness, you are never going to meet a more joyful nurse talking about how great the process of yes dying can be. You're listening to the Doctor Weddy Walls Show and k I Am six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Well Show on KFI AM six forty, Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I am going to introduce a guest now, who's a very special guest. Special because I feel like I know her really well, but we've actually only met live in the studio right now. I want everybody to say hello to Nurse Julie. Hi, Julie, Hello, thanks for having me. You're gonna tell the people how we know each other.
My fingers are making quotation marks. We are TikTok friends. We are friends on TikTok ye. She has millions of followers, built millions of followers during the pandemic. Nurse Julie is a hospice palliative care nurse with more than fifteen years of experience. And one of the things she does really well stem stay tuned for that is she very positively and joyfully educates us about death and dying
and it is an event that is going to affect all of us. First of all, no one's getting out of here live, just one to remind you. But also we may lose family members along the way, and she demystifies the whole process. So thank you for being with us today. I do want to say, Nurse Julie before I go too far, that your new book, she has a book out is coming out right or is out baby, It's called Nothing to Fear by Julie McFadden, r N. Hospice
Nurse Julie. That's her tag at hospice Nurse Julie. You should follow her. She's so uplifting. I know I'm talking about death and I'm saying uplifting. Anyway, the book is out now. I do recommend it for everybody's easy, breezy read. You can get on my night table. Just want to tell you that. So let me start at the beginning. Why of all the areas of nursing, and you started out in the ICU doing heroic things, saving life lives, why did you choose end of life stuff?
Well, that is exactly why, because I was an ICU nurse. So when I was a new nurse, a little baby nurse, I thought, the ICU is the only place I'd ever want to work. It's in my mind the best. You know, I'll learn the most. I'll see the craziest things in Hollywood. That's true. I did. I did see all the things when I learned a bunch of things, and one of the things I learned was that preserving life at all costs, which is what we do
in the ICU for the most part. There's definitely good happening there as well, but like we will preserve life at all costs, and it causes suffering, suffering, suffering, suffering, and there were times when we really missed the mark as medical professionals. And I just thought after a few years of being an ICU nurse, and I still stayed a few more years after this moment, but you know, there was a moment as an ICU nurse where I was like, I can't keep doing this. I can't keep doing this.
And there are a few patients in particular, some of who I speak about in my book. The first couple chapters are about my ICU experience and what patients kind of change the trajectory of my career. And it's because I finally spoke up about what we were doing. You know, I no one was purposely doing it, but we were keeping people alive for and they were suffering, and they were suffering, and they were suffering. Yeah, so that unpopular with some of the ICU workers. No, because I spoke.
So I don't think so generally speaking thankfully on social media, I feel like generally people are nice to me, Thank God, look at you. It doesn't always happen to me that way, you know. I want to share something My mother, My mother and my father died in one year, when I was thirty, my mother died of breast cancer that had spread to her lungs. And I don't have to tell you what it's like the end, when your lungs are so full of fluid, you're drowning in your own fluid.
And she had asked for a chemotherapy treatment the day she died. She was fighting to the end. I was here in La flying back as often as I could. All my family was just listening to the doctors. More treatments, more treates. Hope, hope, hope, keep hope alive, keep hope alive. And my dad called me and said, hey, you might want to come home this weekend because your mom could use some cheering up. I get there, Thank god I got there when I did, and
she died thirty minutes later. She was on death's door, and everybody was oblivious to it. You talk about family situations like this that they're all so shocked. You do the opposite with hospice care. You prepare them for the stages, right, correct, Yes, how do you do that? We speak openly about what the truth of the matter is, which is you will die. You know you will die. I think it's really important to use language like that, specifically when someone really I mean, we're all dying,
like you said, and I think and we do. People are really really big disservice when we are too afraid to talk about it, you know, so people pass the buck a lot. And I don't mean to sit here
and try to blame other healthcare workers. You know, everyone's doing their best, and a lot of health care workers, especially in the hospital, don't have a lot of time to have these really hard conversations when families, when certain families are clearly not ready to hear it, you know, they give off the vibe of like, we're not going to say the word hospice or death or end of life, but we still but we need to have those
conversations. And I feel like it's a little easier on hospice because they're already coming to us, right they already somewhat know that the end may be near. But even in the ICU, I would try to do that. I would try to do that because we owe it to our patients. Now. The thinking always was traditionally that if you tell a patient they're dying, they'll die. If you say you have three months to live, they'll last three
months because life is a self fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes you think there's a lot of wasted hope out there when they could be doing other things with the dying process, like what like well let me let me when you keep saying hope. I love that because I think in general, generally speaking, we need to start thinking about life and death and hope in like to me, hope doesn't necessarily equal life forever because where no one's going to live forever, We're
not going to live forever. So with that knowledge, how do you want to live? How do you want to live the rest of your life? And I think people need to know they're going to die, even you and I sitting here, who may not have terminal diagnosis right now, right or ever, who knows, but we're still going to die. And I think there's there's there's hope in knowing that, because if we can truly understand that,
we can live out the rest of our life. And I mean that with all sincerity, Like I think people think it's cheesy, but I mean that. I really feel like anyone contemplating their own mortality will help them live better. And one of the things that I know that many of these people, once they accept that they're dying, do is spend time nurturing their relationships. Yeah, talk about that. Yeah, I think people who well,
how about this. People I've seen witnessed this over and over again on hospice, people who were willing to admit they were dying, say the truth about how they felt about their not even if it wasn't pretty right, even if they were like, I don't want to I'm angry, this isn't going to happen, they still seem to live out their life better and die more peacefully, and they spend it with their families, and they had truthful and honest
conversations, They connected with people, they had better symptom control, even physically symptom management control. And they because they had those quote unquote good you know last few months, connecting with loved ones or doing it whatever it is they want to do right doesn't have to necessarily be connection with people. They did
seem to live better and die better. You know, we have to go to break but when we come back, I want to talk about get into the nitty gritty of the symptoms of dying, and especially the one I'm most excited about, the rally when we come back. My guest is hospice nurse Julie. You should follow her online. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome
back to the Doctor Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty. I am Doctor Wendy Walsh, and I am thrilled to be setting across from hospice Noose nurse, not a noose. You don't have a noose. There's no newses in hospice. Hospice Nurse Julie. The book is called Nothing to Fear. You can get it everywhere online. And she's demystifying death for us. Okay,
let's get into the nitty gritty. One of your TikTok videos that really I did like one of those note to self, don't forget this is that when a dying person stops eating or drinking, the family members often want to put an intervenous in their arm and pump them full of fluids. You say, this can hurt them, right, right, dehydration at the end of life is good. Is actually good because a dying body knows how to die.
We are built to die. We have biological things built in our in our in our bodies to help us die, and one of those things is being dehydrated actually helps us. And even if because families will say I don't believe you, I don't believe you, and they will, they'll they'll put they won't put it, but they they'll have the hospital, our doctors or whoever, put in the IV and hydrate their loved one. And even if they do that, it won't do anything. So it won't do what it
would do. Does it cause pain? It could actually cause pain, Yes, because the fluid will not stay where it's supposed to do, which is intravascular and intravascularly hydrating the person making them feel better. It won't do that. It will It will seep out of their of their vascular system, causing a edema, and then eventually they're heart can't pump that fluid and it will
go into their lungs, oh, causing respiratory distress. So that's what my mother was in when she dies, grab the oxygen mask and grabbing it and trying to figure get more oxygen in somehow exactly. Oh, so the drier you are, the better you will die. You actually go into ketosis releases in Doorphins Doll's pain makes you feel euphoric. I'm in kytosis right now. Actually, I kind of feel that way. Different kind, okay, different kind. Yes, So let's talk also about the death stare and people seeing
loved ones. Do you believe there's another side after everything you've seen? So personally yes? Now, now do I feel like that's something that I don't ever need. I never want to push my beliefs on people. So what I like to do is just educate about the deathbed phenomenon, which is chapter six in my book, that happens to almost everyone at the end of life
has some form of what I'm talking about. So all I like to say is and most most people that work an end of life care will will also say this is like, I don't know what it means, but it happens. And the things that happen are things like we call it visioning, So visioning where people see dead relatives, dead loved ones, dead pets. There's death stare, Like you said, so I see it all the time. Patients will be talking to you da da da da da da da da and
suddenly look off into the distance, stare into the corner. You cannot get their attention no matter what you do. Sometimes they'll smile, Sometimes they'll say hi, mom, what are you doing here? Sometimes they'll reach their arms up. That's called the death reach. And it just happens so often that it's something we literally have to educate about because families will see it and get freaked out. You know, what are they saying? What are they doing?
Why are they doing this? So I think, you know, I do believe that there is an afterlife, but that's not really why educated about it. I just educated about so people understand that it's a normal thing. It's something that we can't explain that happens all the time. So I mentioned that both my parents died in one single calendar year and ten months apart, and my dad, having just nursed my mother to death, chose a different route and he decided to die at home. In Canada, with socialized medicine,
you can have a night nurse. You get a twelve hour shift every day, so your family members during the day a night nurse for twelve hours at night. They bring a hospital bed right into the living room. They put a morphine belt on the whole thing, and he did have we'll talk about the death rally in a minute. He hadn't eaten in weeks and weeks, and some people came over to visit and he sat up and had a
cup of tea and a biscuit with them and had this little rally. But when he was hallucinating, as we called it, with the new morphine and everything. Now you should know, my dad was an introverted, very polite, diplomatic gentleman, that is what I would call him. And so probably for him to you have to express feelings or to be in a vulnerable state where his body's falling apart, would be difficult. So he talked about it in military terms. He's retired Navy, and he would say, there's a
threat to national security. We need to tell the commander right now, there's a threat to national security. He kept saying that, and we said, okay, we'll tell the commander, just tell us what we need to tell him. And he was really upset about this, but I feel like it was a metaphor for his own internal national security being threatened by all of this.
Isn't that interesting? People die the way they lived. I'm telling you, I'm telling you, and I will say that when the night nurse who took care of my dad at night and he would bathe him in the morning before, he said, when you're taking care of dying people, you can always tell who they were, because they'd become like infants and you know their real personality. And he said, your dad was just such an elegant gentleman.
He would always say, oh, thank you very much, and oh, I'm so sorry I can't lift my hip there, and oh, and he was just so polite all the way through, all the way to death. He was just a polite man, you know. But I think his experience of death was probably very different than my mom getting a chemotherapy treatment hours
before dying. With just stuck on this hope. If you have any few words of advice for people who may be dealing with a loved one who has a terminal diagnosis, if you could give them three quick things of advice, what would it be? I think, say the truth and how you're feeling to your loved one or to yourself or to someone else. Just say the truth of how you're feeling, because I think that will help connect. I
think people are afraid to say the truth. The truth might be I'm afraid, I don't I'm angry, you know, like I said, I'm afraid, I'm angry, I'm sad. It's just really important. I think that helps you connect, at least to yourself, to your loved one if they're able, you know, if if that person's able to to when you're like reeling in bed, wondering if you've done and now for kids, there more to do. Ask yourself, is my loved one who's dying? Are they
clean? Are they safe? Are they comfortable? You can say yes to those things, then you've done a good job, and that really is all you need to do. And in hospice you can have a comfortable death. Yes, yes, yes, yes, And there's a lot of doing in our culture we do do do do do do do do do, And really hospice in life is more about being so just being with your loved one,
and that's uncomfortable, specifically when you're already uncomfortable because emotionally it's hard. Yeah, so because it feels uncomfortable and it's hard to be around your loved one who's dying. You turn in a lot of people turn into this doom mode. I gotta do this, I gotta do that, And then at nighttime, when they're laying quietly, it's hard for your brain to shut off that I do enough. I didn't do enough. Just remember, are they clean?
Are they safe? Are they comfortable? And if you can say yes, then you're good. And if you can't say yes, because a lot of people will say, well, we can't, then you can do something. Then you can do something. Then you can do something. You call the hospice company, you call the doctor. You know, you do something. And we should also remind people dying is not quick, right right, and it's not black and white. I love living in the black and white.
I love knowing exactly what I'm supposed to do, when to do it, how long it's going to take. And that is not how death works. It's very gray. It's very gray, and it takes what it takes. My dad was in that hospital bed in the living room for five weeks. Took five weeks. And I will add a third for you, yes, because I lived it. Take breaks so that your brain can deal with the stress and get little breaks from it so you will avoid caregiver burnout.
So one night a friend flew in from La I've been sitting by his bed for a good three weeks at that point, and he actually said, take your friend out tonight. There's a new casino over there on the Quebec side. Go gamble girls, go have some fun. And we went out and for a few hours, I forgot my pain and sadness, and I actually came back and was a better caregiver to my dad exactly, because that take breaks when you need to for your brain and ask for help, ask for
help. It's so hard. We're also individualistic, and it's like you think you can't or be too hard to, or there's no one you know. This is an all hands on deck kind of time and ask for help. Yeah, hospice nurse Julie, I say it clearly. There's an at sign in front of it at hospice Nurse Julie. I want you to follow her online. I want you to get her amazing book, Nothing to Fear. My Julio sits there going are you really going to sleep reading a book about
death and dying? And I say, it's the happiest most joyful book I've written in a long time. I've read in a long time. I should have written it. I guess it is just a beautiful book. I'm so happy for your success on social media. I'm so happy, hospice nurse Julie, that you are spreading this good news about how a very normal part of life can be something we can all not just accept but take joyfully and with greater understanding. Right, thank you for coming to the studio. I appreciate
it. Thank you for having me, and thank you for listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I am here every Sunday from seven to nine pm. Thanks for listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show here on KFI AM six forty and live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.