@DrWendyWalsh is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. (11/17) Hour 2

but nobody's talking about it. Maybe people are at least one partner, maybe both are walking on eggshells and they know that there's a problem, nobody's ready to confront it right now. Interesting enough, I actually know a couple who's

going through this hit. I've witnessed it. They don't even know that they're in a rocky phase, but I'm watching and I'm I'm going to go through some of the ways you can tell that you've got hidden tensions in your relationship, and I'll tell you the things that they have. First of all, there are two kinds of reasons why tensions might be hidden in a relationship. First would be

that there literally are no words. You know, some people didn't learn healthy communication skills when they were growing up, they may rely on silent and often passive aggressive communication to express their negative emotions.

they're not even aware of their own feelings. That means that when they were growing up, their feelings weren't even acknowledged as a child, their feelings weren't mirrored, their feelings weren't welcomed. You know. I remember when I was a kid being told go to your room and come back when you've changed your attitude, Like nobody helping me explore what was going on. It's just, you know what, when you have a smile on your face, you can come

back to this table. Okay, that's the stuff I heard, right, So I had to learn myself how to be aware of my feelings and how to express them. Now here's the thing. Even when feelings, when we're not aware of our feelings because I've been pushed down for so many years, they go into what's called our unconscious, And our unconscious is a huge driver of our behavior. It actually knows things that you don't know. Right, So you may be unhappy in your relationship, and you might not even know

you're unhappy in your relationship, but you're unconscious. It will telegraph behaviors that show the world and definitely your partner, that you're irritated or sad. And this will happen long before you're fully aware of your feelings. And that's what's happening in this couple that I know about. I'm not gonna say what southern California city they live in. And maybe you're seeing yourself in that. So what happens is

our unconscious will act out in strange ways. Okay, So, whether you're aware or not that you're irritated by your partner but you haven't brought it up. Here are some signs that one partner is unhappy in their relationship. First of all, they may become forgetfull. Remember a relationship is an exchange of care, so a couple who a partner who is displeased may suddenly forget to uphold their end

of the bargain. They might start showing up late, forget to take out the trash, forget to make that dinner reservation, say things like, oh, I'm so sorry, Han, I totally forgot to pick up your dry cleaning. I have no idea, why do you have any other clean shirts? So you get married of that important meeting whatever. And they really

don't even know why they're forgetful. They're forgetful because they're unconscious of saying, you're pissed off at this person, so let's make them suffer, right, So forgetfulness is a big sign that there are tensions in a relationship. That happened with the couple. We were literally all out to dinner, sitting at a table, and she had pulled the dinner together and she was introducing everybody, and she forgot to introduce her husband. She just passed by. I'm like, uh,

are got a husband? Uh? Okay? Number two. Their face doesn't match their words. You know, our face has forty three muscles and it is deeply connected to our true feelings. Why do you think the game of poker is so hard because it's difficult to maintain that punk er face if you've got a good hand or a bad hand. So watch when people talk. Don't listen to their words. Watch those tiny muscles around the mouth when they turn down instead of up. They might be saying something positive,

but their face is saying something negative. This is a big sign that there are tensions in the relationship. I mean when they're talking about their spouse or their mate or what have you. And here's my favorite, they gossip negatively about other couples. So this is an example of Carl Jung's shadow at play. So Carl Jung had this theory that there are few traits inside of us that are so repulsive we can't even tolerate knowing they exist.

So instead of taking them out and examining our dark side, we notice them everywhere else in the world and we point critical fingers. So some people in unhappy relationships act like their relationship is great, and they negatively gossip about other couples instead of noticing the elephant in their own living room. Just saying, all right, if any of this sounds like it's been happening to you, what do you do?

So if your partner doesn't have emotional language or is totally unaware of their passive aggressive behaviors, pointing it out and asking them to change might only make them get defensive and it might make them withdraw more. Instead, stay on your own feelings. Just model healthy communication by telling them how their behavior felt to you. So instead of saying, why didn't you pick up my dry cleaning? You're so selfish? You promised you would. You knew I had a big

meeting tomorrow. How about darling, I noticed you forgot to pick up my dry cleaning cleaning. It made me feel unimportant. It made me feel like I'm not a priority to you, and it made me feel sad. Uh huh.

when we come back. You ever heard of the five love languages? Well, guess what now there's eight. Yeah, yeah, three more they've added to the list. Let's talk about them when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Eddie Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.

respect each other. I had a million questions, right. I began the odyssey because my own love life was going so bad. You know, I think I wrote my first book, The Boyfriend Test, back in nineteen ninety eight and It's filled with lots of anecdotes of my early dating life in my twenties and early thirties, and it seemed like I was dating so many bad boys. And it was only much later and through the therapeutic process, that I learned that there was a common denominator in every single

one of my relationships, and it was me. It was the fact that I chose them. What was I doing? And I kept saying, well, no, that I always attract these types. You know what. We always attract all kinds of people, but we don't have to be attracted back, right, And so it was me ultimately doing the choosing to

give myself the gift of pain. You know what. Psychoanalytic therapists might say that we are destined to relive the traumas of our childhood in different ways right now in adult romantic relationships until we make sense of it all, until we sorted out. My particular journey began by reading so many self help books. I read every self help book out there. I will say the very first one I read was The Road Less Traveled. If you haven't read it, it's classic, you should still read it. It's great.

It got me into therapy. But I also remember reading somewhere along the way that book The Love Languages. I'm sure you've heard of it. The weird thing is it like it was published and nobody read it, and then like ten years later it suddenly became a bestseller. And it really got a big boost during COVID because people were sitting at home and fighting with their partners and suddenly grabbing any kind of love or relationship book they

possibly could. Now I should tell you it was written by a Christian counselor named doctor Gary Chapman, and he's a marriage counselor. The book is called The Five Love Languages, The Secret to Love That Lasts. Now, let me say this. All kinds of researchers have attempted to do research on these five love languages to see if a they're real, their static, they work, you know, all that kind of stuff,

and they can't. There's no proof, there's no research to back it up, but it feels so logical to the lay people. So what doctor Chapman did is he identified five different ways that people express love, and he said, if you can just have your partner understand how you express love, then they'll be able to recognize that as love, right, because not everybody, I mean, we all have a different version of love. Right. So the five love languages are

words of affirmation. Somebody gives lots of compliments and encouragement, acts of service, doing things right, just helpful, whether it's cleaning the house or building stuff or being a fixer person whatever, running around doing errands for somebody, acts of service gifts. Some people's way of expressing love is through material sacrifice. Spending money, buying gifts, bringing on flowers all the time other people is quality time. Spending time literally

talking and connecting other people is physical touch. If I had to say, if I had to guess actually of my sweet darling Julio, I would say his are acts of service. He's very big at Like today, when I was prepping for the show and reading articles, I was like, Oh, the car's so dirty. I want to leave early so I have time to wash it. And while I was busy doing that, he went out and hand washed my

car himself. Was it nice? And the other for sure for him is physical touch because he's a cuddly guy and I am too, so that works out great, all right. But who knew that there are many many ways to express love. My personal opinion, by the way, is it doesn't matter how you express love. It's more important how somebody likes to receive love. So instead of marching in and saying, well, this is how I give love, so put up with it instead, Probably the better idea is

to say, how do you feel loved? How do you know that you are experiencing love? What can I do or say to help you feel loved? I think that'd be a more important question. Anyway. Psychologists have come up with three new languages per Can you believe that? Three news? So now I guess there's eight love languages. Let me go through them real quick. I love this one. The first one the love language of patience in chaos. Oh yes, there are times of complete stress, times of meltdowns, times

when the world is spinning out of control. And what if you're fortunate enough to have a partner who's one of those stoic, calm persons when the boat is rocking and the sea is shaking. Isn't that cool? Yeah? Because you know, emotions are contagious, and so you might be able to calm down because they're calm whenever it's chaos. The second new love language, the love language of validating

each other's worth. Well, this is a little like words of affirmation, but it's a little different, right, It's this whole idea of being able to look at your partner in a positive light, no matter what, valuing them. You know, they've done research on long term, healthy, reportedly happy couples, and they found that one of the things they do is they continue to value their partner, meaning they really think, I mean, they look up to their partner, their partner's

cool and of great value. They don't demean them. They don't let thoughts of oh my god, why did I choose this loser of a parson. They don't let those thoughts enter their head. They're always like, oh yeah, I remember she's so smart. Oh yeah, I remember he's so kind. Right, And so there really is a love language in being able to look at your partner and saying I see your worth, I see your value. You are brave, you're worthy, you deserve this right, And it can actually help raise

people's self esteem. Now, I know people say it's not my job to raise your self esteem. You should have you know, what relationships are dynamic. We feed off each other, we work together. Why not help your partner feel good about themselves? And the final love language, new love language, if we're gonna say there's eight, is the love language of small but essential acts. This is a big one. Did you know? It's not about the big, sweeping, grand gestures.

Let me take you to Paris and bring you flowers and champagne. No, because that's over in a week. What about every day doing small little acts of kindness for your partner, showing gratitude, saying thank you. What about that small but essential acts? I love that. Hey, when we come back. If you believe in soulmates, you're gonna want to listen up. You are listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show and kf I Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

and I don't know what else. Look. I don't mean to put you down for whatever your faith in life is, but there's no such thing as a soulmate. Okay. You know what, People with good relationship skills are not only attractive to more people, they can be attracted to more people. So this idea, I mean, let's think, let's break it down. What is the concept of a soulmate, destiny the cosmos

coming together? That there's one person who will see you feel you know you your soulmate, and everything will be perfect because you will be such a perfect match that you will not have any problems in the relationship if only you can find this person. It's a crazy idea, this idea that somebody's going to make up for all your flaws, all your needs, and basically leave you in a place of ecstasy of happily ever after for no reason except that they are themselves and they are perfect.

They are the one you know why. This myth is dangerous. It's dangerous for a number of reasons. One is, if you believe in the myth of a soulmate, it puts you on an endless search for perfection. Right, so when you're on dating apps, you're gonna be like, no, no, now now, not right, not right, not my soulmate. No, I didn't like they said that. I didn't like they've texted that. No, no, no, no no. Right. You have this idea that you're going to find somebody who has

no dark side in their personality. You're gonna have no conflict at all, You're gonna have great sex forever. Uh uh. You know what's going to happen if you believe this time is going to run out because this person doesn't exist. Then if you start dating somebody and you continue with your fantasy that a soulmate exists, whenever there's any little bump in the road, you're going to break up instead

of makeup. Right. If you think that somebody has to be perfect, then you believe that soulmates with so ma there's never any fights, never any conflict. But you know what, you're gonna get really frustrated because they're going to be a human being and they're gonna fall short of your crazy fantasy. Right, So you're not gonna learn the relationship

skills by sticking it out. Now, another reason believing in a soulmate is dangerous is you will not gain the skills of learning how to adapt to change your change. There change the world's change. See, here's the sneaky thing about life. It's not static, it's dynamic. Life is changing every day. You know, they say that every seven years.

I don't know if this is true, but I've heard it that every single cell in your body has actually replicated to the point that every seven years you're not actually the same person you were biologically that you were seven years ago. But there are environmental pressures on all of us. Kids are born, people encounter health problems, they lose their jobs, they put parents in the ground in the grave, right. I mean things are changing all the

time in life. And if you believe you have a soulmate, and that soulmate is going to make everything okay, you're not going to be able to cope when the world changes, or more importantly, when your partner changes and grows. Uh huh. And the other thing that you do if you believe in a soulmate is you deprive yourself of the gift of learning to make a conscious rational choice. I've always said love is a drug, but you decide whether to take the drug or not. You decide whether to inject

it and how much and what the dose is. Right, You're a human being, you have a brain. It's not like, oh, I don't know what happened. I was just taken over by this soulmate. No, you are going to be able to make a conscious choice. In fact, the best relationships are built on conscious choice. You choose to date somebody, you choose to move in with them, you choose to marry them, you choose to commit to them, you choose

to make compromises for them. There's no such thing as a perfect match where you don't get to do those things. And finally, if you believe in the myth of a soulmate, you will ignore good enough partners. You see, love is messy, really messy. If you've been with me since the beginning of the show, you know, even I, with all my rich knowledge of the science of love, have sometimes speed bumps in the relationship life on that road, right, So I don't want you to ignore all the good enough

partners out there. I often say that relationships are a gymnasium for your mind. They're designed to give you a workout. They're designed to make you look at your peace in whatever conflict comes up. So don't let people go just because of small imperfections. Now okay, major abusive stuff, Okay, fine, But there are people out there who protect themselves from intimacy, right.

Intimacy often involves conflict. They protect themselves from intimacy because they are looking for perfect, and perfect just doesn't exist. This idea that there's this one person, the one the soulmate out there is hurting you. It's keeping you from growing. And on that note, while you're all quickly going through those apps and giving more people a chance. This brings the Doctor wendywall Show to a close. It is always my pleasure to be with you every Sunday night from

seven to nine. We're finishing a little early tonight because cousin news room the Kfi's got something else exciting for you coming up. But make sure you follow me on social media. Come on over to Blue Sky if you dare, I'm there and the handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh wherever you fancy going on your social media but I'm always here for you from seven to nine every Sunday night. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the

iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app