@DrWendyWalsh is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. (11/10) Hour 2

I love this. I love this. So a gentleman writes to me and he says, why do girls keep unmatching me on dating apps? How do I learn to give better conversation? So here's the thing. Remember what dating apps are, right? Dating apps are shouldn't be called dating apps. They should be called meeting apps. Because what happens is people start to suffer from that paradox of choice I've talked about earlier. Right, there's just too many people in their message box and

they shouldn't be dating on the app. In other words, having these conversations. It should be just about meeting them and getting on the phone fairly quickly. So I, in fact always tell women to give up their phone number fairly quickly on these apps. Now, how do I learn to give better conversation? I'm just going to say this.

The first few texts should be some kind of comment on something you see in their profile where the two of you have commonality, right, some kind of oh, I see you were at this museum that's one of my favorite places, or I recognize whatever, find something. That's what you want to do to be to have good conversation with anybody, whether you're meeting and flirting in public or on dating apps. But do not get into endless chatting

on the apps. After you've developed rapport with a few little texts back and forth, just say, hey, if you'd like to get on the phone and have a chat, I'm open to it. Here's my number. And then don't continue to text and let people unmatch you. You know what, every time there's an unmatch, you should do a touchdown cheer because that person wasn't your person. It wasn't meant

to be right. But anyway, just look for commonality. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy, I ordered a takeout order on my boyfriend's phone from a place I introduced him to a few weeks back. Okay, so a few weeks ago she took him to this restaurant or introduced him to her takeout, and then she used his phone to order. When I confirmed my name, they said the name of his ex girlfriend. He said they went there once before, but he didn't

want to tell me because I would get mad. Is this a clear sign he's still in contact with her? He does deny it. Well, I don't know the answer, but I do know this. Do you get mad? Or is he just really afraid of women's anger? It could be two things, right, Are you somebody who's a hot head, because then you know what, they're going to want to lie to you more often because they're afraid of your anger. Or is he somebody who's just kind of emotionally avoidant

and kind of afraid of anger in that way? I don't know. So it's not a clear sign that he's in contact with her. Oh just you know, keep your antennas up a little bit cause you never know, right, And it could I just don't like when people lie even a little bit, though, like him going did he go like, oh my god, there's new place. No, I've never tried it before and then you find out they did. Yeah,

that's it. Just here's the problem. Even when people are lying on their dating apps or a little bit about their height or their weight or their age or whatever, it's hard to build trust. Whenever there's been any little, even small, white lie, it's very difficult to build trust in a relationship. So I'm gonna say, just keep your intennis up. That's all I'm gonna say. But he could have done the white light thing and the next and what you should say to him is, hey, I can

tolerate anything except lying. So just from now on, trust me with the truth. Okay, Uh, moving on, Dear doctor Wendy. I met a guy on hinge and we really connected via text, but when we face timed, the vibe was awkward. Is this a clear sign we won't work out? Or should I still meet him in person? No? You should not meet someone in person who you didn't click with.

It's not like, well, it's going to get better and better and better, because that's the whole point of getting on the phone or facetiming, so you don't have to go on a date. Don't ghost him. Okay, you've now seen each other's face. Here's the thing I say about ghosting.

You guys have to be very careful. You think Los Angeles is a giant city until you go somebody, and then you walk into some meeting and there he is a new employee or a new client at your work, and you're like, ah, you feel so awkward, right, So all you do is compose a nice little text that said it was lovely chatting with you. I kind of don't think romances in the cards for us. I'll keep you in mind for a friend. Thank you so much

for the introduction. It was lovely to chat. That's it, right, But it doesn't get better if you're like, oh no, that's awkward. You don't run and meet them in person to see if it was. If they suddenly are less awkward, I don't know. Oh, here's a tangled web that someone has woven. Dear doctor Wendy. Oh, I have a hard time even reading this. Dear doctor Wendy. I got pregnant by my roommate. He says he doesn't want a relationship,

but we're pregnant and we live together. What should I do? Okay, first of all, you're in a relationship, you might want to let him know that that as soon as he put his penis in a vagina, he has a responsibility. Now and you're living together and having sex, but considering yourself's a roommate, I'm going to say one word, boundaries. Boundaries, boundaries, But this is the slippery slope that happens when heterosexual

men and women live together. Not every time, but you know, you could have a weak night, little alcohol, whatever, and before you know it, look at this. You got to figure out what you need to do for yourself, and that means may mean moving, it may mean terminating the pregnancy, it may mean having the baby on your own. But this guy's telling you very clearly he doesn't want this, So don't even hope for anything. I'm sorry to be

so hard nos on this, but please don't hope. Ugh, and especially if you think, well, don't they have the baby and he sees how cute the baby, No, they don't. Suddenly go now, I'm really into fatherhood. I do want to say this. You know, evolutionary psychologists would say that human beings have the widest range of paternal investment in offspring of any primate out there, which means that at one end, of the scale, you've got a dude whose only investment in his kid is a teaspoon of sperm.

And at the other end of the scale, you've got literally a baby wearing, carpool driving, softball throwing, doting dad and we have everything else in between two. So to think he's going to be that when he's telling you very clearly he's not that. You and your baby need to make your decision together, whatever it's going to be. It's not a baby, you're just pregnant. Whatever you and your zygot, whatever the cells you got there. You need to make a decision for your reproductive health, for your

mental health, for your life. This is about you now, because he's been very very clear with you. All Right, when we come back, there's a new dating trend and you won't believe what it is. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

drink when they date. I'm talking about people who socially drink, who may probably not have a problem with drinking, who've decided that when they go on first dates or second dates that they're just going to remove alcohol from the whole thing and not do it. So let's talk a little bit first about why alcohol has such a storied place in romantic dating. What alcohol does is it can lower anxiety in the short term by the way you're using it frequently. It raises anxiety when it wears off,

that's a whole other thing. But it can reduce inhibitions, right, I don't know. If you spend any time in London, the English or very lock job, they're very tongue tied until you go to one of their pubs and then they've got that wonderful lubricant and boy they say a lot of stuff. So it can reduce inhibitions. It can make you chattier, more engaging. It even can create that pleasurable feeling of euphoria. You know, I'm not gonna lie.

I love to pour myself a skinny, spicy margarita, and my sweet Julio thinks it's he doesn't drink it all, by the way, and not because he's in sourpriety. He just doesn't like the taste of it. He's one of those so I always have a designated driver. But anyway, he loves how like it makes me just like to have one drink. More than that, other things can happen.

So alcohol can be pretty great when you're dealing with nerves associated with meeting a new person for the first time, and also the worry about checking them out, anticipating could you have a happy future together. But here's the big downside of alcohol, and this is obviously the big reason why people are doing sober dating. As soon as you reduce inhibitions, you might make some choices that you regret later, and of course that includes the big one, having unprotected

sex with somebody you cringe at. What's the alcohol effect wears off? I know, it's all it's having to all of us at one point or another, and we're like, why did I do that? I think this trend of dating sober is a great idea because it can help

you make better assessments of romantic compatibility. I mean, that's what dating's supposed to be, right, it was designed to be like this probation period where partners could determine if someone was worth having sex with, or worth introducing them to their family, or maybe even worth committing to in marriage. So I think it GIFs you're like this clear head

to be able to make better decisions on date. And also if you are that person who has a history of making poor choices because of alcohol consumption, then yeah, I mean, removing alcohol from a date can have a very positive effect for you, especially on mental healthy You're not crying in your pillow the next day, you're not worried about pregnancies or an STI You're waking up with a clear head because you might have uttered a very platonic good night and thank you lovely time to someone

you're not interested in and you never have to see again and you have no worries. So here's another thing. I think dating sober can actually foster emotional intimacy. Now, remember emotional intimacy is the glue. Right. If you don't have that glue, if your relationship is based on only the superficial, it's going to be a very tenuous relationship. But when you don't have alcohol in your system and you don't have that, you're not like this chatty, euphoric person.

You're your real, authentic self. This can be very attractive to people, people of all genders. Right to show up as your true self, and that might be somebody who says, hey, I'm a little nervous about this, right, that's honest. Right, you start off with intimacy from the beginning. It's one of the reasons why I've been a huge fan of coffee dates instead of first dates in a bar. Now, people say, well, how do you do it? Like, how do you like tell somebody like you're going to do

this right? Well, let me say, you don't need to tell anybody anything. You can disorder your diet coque. I mean it's a first date. What do they need to know about? Who are what you're doing? Right, if you have a sober, curious lifestyle, just do it. You don't know anybody and explanation. And also if you are worried that without alcohol you're going to have so much anxiety you won't be able to get through it. Remember, there are so many ways to naturally calm your parasympathic nervous system,

I mean your sympathetic nervous system. There are ways that you can change your state of consciousness. You can do it through deep breath work, meditation, even exercise. Try any of those before you go out on a date. But again, you don't have to tell anybody what you're doing. On the other hand, if you have a kind of agenda, like let's try the sober curious dating lifestyle, and I'm going to message the person and say, I'm only going to have a date with you if you'll do sober

dating with me. You know, I just want to remind you you can't change anyone else's behavior, right. You can only change your own behavior, and you can change your reaction to their behavior. But if you've got this fantasy that every date you have wants to try sober curious dating, they might not be interested, and that's okay. They still might be a good person. Right, here's what you do. This is my opinion. If you're gonna try this sober

dating thing. Just don't date in a bar. Have a morning date for breakfast, an afternoon date coffee, go for a hike or a place where alcohol is an appropriate yoga class, race, car driving simulators, museums and that way there's no awkwardness, no need to discuss, just time and place to enjoy each other sober as people normally would.

I do want to say one other thing, though, So when some people see you order your die coke instead of your drink and then you say, oh, you're just doing some sober dating, they might immediately assume that you have an alcohol use disorder. Remember, there are plenty of social drinkers who may be biologically addicted to alcohol but

not psychologically addicted. So what that means is a lot of people who have alcohol use disorders actually have an under alyging mental health condition and they are self medicating or they have unmanageable feelings that they're unable to deal with. Right. But there are other people that are just in the habit of drinking every day. An alcohol station in your system for about twenty four hours and then so you know, it's like you get a craving again. It's five o'clock

somewhere right, you get that craving again. So for those people who might be biologically addicted, I would suggest learning to drink socially two or three times a week. That can improve your health, mental health, physical health. And if you don't have an alcohol use disorder, you can just explain to your date that you just like to have a clear head during a date. Now, if anything I've said strikes you as oh, maybe I do have an alcohol use disorder, I just want to say, don't try

to quit alone. Reach out to a licensed addiction treatment counselor or look up your local Alcoholics Anonymous chapter. Okay, don't try to do it alone. But for you social drinkers, if you want to be sober and a date, go for it. Hey, when we come back, there's a trend happening with some men online that's very, very disturbing. Let's talk about it when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

So they're a group of their independent, their nonprofit organizations, and what they're all about is trying to safeguard human rights and trying to reverse the rising tide of polarization or extremism or disinformation worldwide. So they do a lot of research and some of the things they say on their website, well, first of all, it was brought to my attention because people were sending me screenshots of these things men are posting on x and even Instagram. And

we're not talking about every man. We're talking about very small minority. But the things that they feel are okay to say publicly now are pretty shocking. So so you know that this particular election was focused a lot on women's reproductive rights, and following Vice President Kamala Harris's loss, there grew this online. I'm going to say it abuse, harassment, misogyny,

and it started really this emboldened group of men. They call themselves online the man O Sphere, m anosp man O Sphere, and they are influencers or people who just have extreme ideologies and they are delighted that the Supreme Court struck down Roe v. Wade. They use these platforms to say things that are shocking. Now, this group who does research, the ISD, observed reports of these narratives being used to harass women online, particularly on high school and

college campuses. In fact, in just twenty four hours after the election results came in, they have found a forty six hundred increase in mentions of get ready for I'm going to say something disgusting, but it's being tweeted all over the internet right now, Your body my choice? Can you imagine? Or get back in the kitchen. They're using

the C word a lot. They're attacking certain feminists online and literally there's a guy named I don't even want to say his name, but he's a white nationalist podcaster who's a big influencer, has tons of followers. He wrote your Body, My Choice Forever, Period and it has received thirty five million views, and women on TikTok are starting to talk about how scared they are having to delete

this kind of harassment on an every day. Now, I'm somebody who has been in the media for decades, and I will tell you I have been canceled many times times because, as I say, sometimes when I'm doing a slap back at somebody, I'm like, it's a tweet, it's not a dissertation. In other words, one sentence doesn't sum up all the thoughts that I have. Right, So apparently, well, what I want to explain is that during the few times even me, with my strong backbone and good self esteem,

has been canceled. I'm not gonna lie. It hurts. It hurts a lot. There's research to show that emotional pain, and especially when it's public shame, can feel the same way on the brain as physical pain. Right, And so so many young women are being harassed online with this phrase your body, my choice, and now we're hearing that young boys are chanting it at high schools and on

college campuses. In fact, one parent stated today my daughter was told three separate times on campus your body my choice, and a third group of boys told her you better sleep with one eye open. Tonight. I mean, I'm shocked. I have to tell you. So this has nothing to do with sexual assault, but the fear that women have, especially when they're young, about high disosterone boys and what they could possibly do. When I was in the eighth grade, the boys started this thing. Now, this was in Canada

and there was snow on the ground. We had started to wear makeup, a little mascara, maybe a little lip glass whatever. Eighth grade, right, we're fourteen, We're starting to wear a little makeup. And the boys thought this was funny. So they thought they would meet us at the gates to the school yard before we came in to the safety of the schoolyard and they would quote unquote wash our face out with snow. Now, let me explain how terrifying this is. Because you have big mittened hands of

boys with so much snow on your face. That's rough, it's got ice particles in it. They're trying to mess up your mascara to make you look ugly when you walk onto campus. Eighth grade boys, what can I say but the terror because it's suffocating. You got hands all over your face, pushing snow in your face. So anyway, of course, me, being an early feminist and not knowing it, went and complained to the teacher, of the principal and everybody. And I was the one who mostly got in trouble

that I couldn't take a joke. No, this was a long time ago, and I think it would be treated very differently today. But I feel like the words these you know guys are using on college campuses, in high schools and probably even middle schools. They're also calling for the nineteenth Amendment to be repealed. That's the one that gave women the vote. Okay, and this stuff is being retweeted, reposted,

pushed around. It's terrifying. It's terrifying now, somebody, So there is some some women out there who are saying, oh no, actually, you know the worst of the worst, right the massages. Andrew Tate, if you haven't heard of himn't look him up, please, he doesn't need it. And one more person to follow him. He quoted that this is what he put on X. I saw a woman crossing the road today, but I just kept my foot down right of way. You no longer have rights. That post received almost a million views

in two hours. So anyway, what are women doing in response. You might be surprised to learn that women are doing something that you might consider to be old fashioned, but now it's considered modern. Let's talk about it when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.

Trump got it. He won fair and square. It was driven in large part by those young male voters who I talked about earlier, and so many people in America felt like this whole election was really a referendum on women's rights. I mean, think about it. Donald Trump had been found liable for sexual abuse. His vice presidential candidate called women childless cat ladies. His buddy Elon Musk talks about anytime there's a woman who doesn't have a baby, he'd be happy to give her a baby. He's got that.

We know of nine kids already. By the way, this is very evolutionary in evolutionary psychology terms. When men are feeling their power leaving, the one legacy they always have is to make sure they impregnate as many women as they can. And they do that by taking away their rights to their bodies or their rights to control their reproduction. Right,

that's female power. So last week someone said to me, oh, you know, there's this new trend in South Korea called the four B movement be as a boy, and it started in twenty nineteen apparently when Korean women where basically the culture in South Korea was one where women's entire value and even self identity was highly correlated with whether they were married or not right, and so it was all about the pursuit of a husband instead of the

pursuit of education. And so this cultural movement called the four B movement I'll explain it in a minute, started and as a result, Today, five years later, university registration has surged. With females getting more education, they are often delaying marriage and childbirth. So what's the four B movement?

So in it's called that because the Korean word by means no, no this, no that, So think of every time you hear be, think of the word no. So the movement calls for no dating men, no sexual relationships with men, atterosexual marriage, and get this, no pregnancy, no childbirth, basically close our legs. So it seems extreme, doesn't it. But after the election last week, there is now a trend on TikTok and all social media as this four B movement is starting to be pushed. Here listen to

this one, this particular TikToker. Explain it, ladies. I'm not saying this to be facetious, but I don't care if you're a rose girl, a wand girl, or a monster alien tentacle girl. Stock up now for your moments of weakness, because I promise you ain't not alive worth getting stuck with a man.

or get married to, or have children with. And I thought, oh my gosh, finally women are realizing that behaving traditionally as men behaved sexually isn't always female freedom. In fact, I've always said, adopting a male model of anything is not female freedom. Female's power is respecting their body, respecting their very intelligent biology that often, because we emit so much oxytocin during sex and orgasm, often falls in love

with a loser when we didn't even mean to. Or those girls who say, oh, I love the hookup culture. It's so great. You know how many are actually crying in a therapist's office the next day. So, and it's not to say that this is a moral question. This is not to say that there aren't women out there who can and should and let's all be sex positive, enjoy, enjoy, and enjoy. But look where it got us here. We are with men saying these things online and women going whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa whoa. Wait a minute, maybe I do have some power here. So anyway, google it the four B movement. If you're a young woman, maybe you want to join the movement for a while and see what it is to have true female power, because that is ultimately female power.

I that brings our show to a wrap up here, but I want to say it is for more than a decade, I have continued to disseminate explain all the latest research on the science of love, and as various trends are, I try to explore them in the most fair way, interjecting my opinions sometimes because I'm a human being and I'm a radio talk show host. But stay with me because I want to continue to follow these

particular trends because something is happening in America. There's a new battle of the sexes going on, and let's see what happens as a result of it. I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You've been listening to The Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app you've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app