@DrWendyWalsh is offering her Wendy wisdom with her drive by makeshift relationship advice. (11/03) Hour 2

relationships and did my dissertation on attachment theory. You could call me a relationship journalist, So let me weigh in, or the auntie with the best advice. Okay, here's one. Dear Doctor Wendy. A man i'm dating says he doesn't do well with maintaining relationships because his work requires him to travel far and often. Does this mean exit if I want a relationship, Well, this means you need to

ask a lot more questions. You need to say to him, what do you think is required to maintain a relationship? Ask him what he's unable to do. If he says, oh, you know, daily phone calls or you know, having to see the person regularly when I can't be sure that I can. Then you're probably listening to somebody with an avoidant attachment style and his work protects him from intimacy. But I would definitely ask a lot more questions about what that means. And also I would ask yourself what

you're looking for in a relationship. You know, maybe you're a single mom and has your kids every other week, and having somebody who's gone part of the time could be good because you're busy with your other stuff, but maybe not too. Maybe you want a deep, consistent, emotional attachment that involves FaceTime and regular calls and sharing a life. Right in that case, this guy's given you a warning, just to let you know be on alert. All right,

Moving on, Hey, doctor Wendy, I have a question. Is a man being condescending when he says my career as a writer is cute? Or is that a compliment? I'm sorry, that is like our sarcastic dish that I was talking about before. Careers aren't cute? First of all, what does cute mean? Small? Little, young, pretty funny? Oh it's so cute, sey mino. That's what they say in French say Mignon say cute. You know what a filet Mignon is. It's a cute steak philet mignon. No, your career is not cute.

If it's it's part of your identity, it's part of your creativity. It's something that should bring you self pride. I would definitely correct him on that that's not a compliment. That is not a compliment at all. And I would say, I just want to say one thing. He must be insecure, so he wants to put down your career because he's not so proud of his for whatever reason. So I think maybe the way to address it is, Hey, you know you told me once that you thought my career

was cute. I wonder what you think of your career? Can we talk about it? Are we comparing? Like? Just ask you always shake your head, Kayla, because you're just so funny. I just you hear such a straight shooter like I am.

verb to give. So he's basically saying, I've never given enough of myself to anybody to be in a relationship. I've never chosen to do that. Love is also a choice. It's an intellectual choice. Yes, there's some chemistry involved in all that, but then you choose to go forward. Because you can have great chemistry with somebody who's terrible for you and make you can make the intellectual choice not

to go forward. Right. You can also have okay chemistry with somebody who you want to just merge a life with and make it great, and you can make that choice. That's called intellectual love. Right. So, if he says he's never been in love and he's in his forties and he has no kids, I know you want to think you are the one you're gonna want. That's gonna turn him around. And it's because he hasn't met the one.

It's not true. It's because he hasn't learned relationship skills, and a lot of it may go back to his early life and his family of origin. He hasn't learned how to love. And it's not your job to be his teacher. Just want to say, not your job to be his teacher. Dear doctor Wendy, how can you tell if someone just wants sex out of a relationship that should be very easy. They compliment you on your looks,

they get all touchy feely. After sex, they kind of disappear because they got what they want and they don't come back right away. Somebody who wants more than sex courts you, spends time taking you out, sacrifices, spends time and money and energy, gets to know you, talks about life, your family, love, your goals, gets to know you intimately. But if all they're talking about your hop baby when we were getting together, they just want sex. It's pretty simple,

but girls put blinders on. I don't know all right, I think we have time for one more before we go to a break. Dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend is still very friendly with her ex's family. She calls them for the holidays and on their birthdays. She was with him for twelve years and considers them her family. It makes me uncomfortable. But am I being immature?

does it feel like? And she pipes in with my mom does that all the time. She's still in touch with my ex boyfriends. And it drives me crazy, And I'm just like, you know what, you can't control other people's relationships, right, If they have a friendship, they have a friendship. So it's not like she's getting on a plane and going to visit them for the holidays. So she's checking in on the holidays and their birthdays. Because

she's done it for twelve years. You will eventually reshape her by giving her a new tribe, Introduce her to your family, take her out to stuff. That's how you do it, all right. Yeah, you're feeling a little insecure about this now. It would be different if you told me so. My girlfriend is very friendly with her ex and goes to have Christmas dinner with he and his family. That would be a threat, right, but you know, checking

in with her old mother in law. I don't know if they're married or not or whatever, but twelve years is a long time. We have a relationship, and they're people too. She has a right to have them around in her life, so I kind of say, get over it, all right. When we come back, I'm going to continue answering your questions. Please feel free to send me a question. Kayla goes through them. She finds out which ones are

good to read. If I don't get to it this week, we keep them in the hopper and next week I might get to it. So just go onto Instagram. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh and send me a direct message. When we come back, I'll have more of your questions. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wallh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.

completely different. Is he really attracted to me or just trying to forget her? All right, we need to pause. There's some questions I have here. First of all, why are you so concerned with his ex? She's an ex? Why are you competing with her? Who cares? You have him? You one? Why are you being so insecure? So that's

on you just want to say that. Then the next thing is, really, you're only a physical being, that's all you are to him, and so therefore, if you don't look like her, age, race height, then somehow he can't be attracted to you. Why do you think your value is only in what you look like? Maybe he loves your heart and soul and brain and mind. Maybe he loves your life experience. Maybe he loves what you do. Maybe he loves who you are. Is he just trying

to forget her? I don't know. I will say that I do understand the confusion and the feeling, and I'll be honest. When I first started to go out with my husband, Julio, he used to say we'd be out around these long walks during COVID, holding hands and he would muse, because he's an extrovert, extrovert to he would muse, and he would say things like, it's so weird, I've never gone out with a blonde. I always go out with brunettes. Or he'd say I usually go out with Latinas.

It's weird going out with somebody who doesn't speak Spanish, you know. Like he would bring up this stuff and I would literally pause in my tracks, turn and face him and go, what do you think this means that you're having these questions? I don't know. It's just weird. It's just different, you know, and not used to having blood. And I go, well, let me ask you this. Do you think you should have a woman who who speak Spanish? Do you think you should have a woman with dark hair? No? No,

I'm just surprised. And then I'm like, okay, so what do blondes mean to you? I mean, he's going out with me, He's going to get that. I need to get to the end of this. And in the end, I think what came up is most of his desire to be with Latinas and dark haired women was to be the opposite of his mom, because when his mom was young, she was blonde. And I go, now you've come full circle. You come back into mommy's arms. Baby, It's okay. We analyzed it together. I didn't put it

on my feelings. I was like, like, what is he trying to express? And I helped him learn about himself.

people have a less of a menu. I have a dear friend who is a sex therapist, and she says this is presented in her practice on a regular basis. She would say that they try to find a common ground. What's most important is that both of you discuss your fantasies, discuss your desires, discuss workarounds and ways you want to do it now. I remember, years and years ago there was a columnist named Dear Abby. I don't know if

anybody's old enough to remember Dear Abby. She was in every syndicated newspaper around and someone wrote just something similar to that, but because it was like the seventies or eighties, they worded it like, my husband wants to do things late at night that I don't want to do. What

should I do? And her answer really surprised me, and it's stuck in my head because her answer was, you know, just because you're not hungry doesn't mean you shouldn't or a meal with somebody, or just because somebody made you a plate of something you don't like, you shouldn't try it. Right, So I brought that up in my human sexuality class when I was in graduate school, and the teacher said,

dear Abby should be shot. Whoop. She said that class, no one should do something that they don't want to do. So I'm a believer in both things. There's a happy medium between both of those ideas, and the only way that it'll work out is if the two of you go to a sex therapist together, somebody who specializes in these issues, who understands that this is common and there are workarounds, because guess what, When you first enter a relationship, it's like ninety percent about the sex and lust and

ten percent about everything else. Once you've been together a lot of years, it's about ten percent sex and ninety percent everything else. So make sure you're growing all the other parts of the relationship. Okay, I think we have time for one more. Oop. I just did that one, scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Ooh oh oh, this is interesting. Dear doctor Wendy. My ex showed up at a party that he knew I would be at. He waited at the exit until I

left so he could talk to me. I told him that I'm upset that he didn't let me enjoy my time with my friends, and he said I'm ungrateful because he wanted to see me. Was this a romantic gesture or alarming behavior? This is alarming behavior. This is not a romantic gesture. He's stalking you at this party. Now you have a choice. You go to a party, you see him there, you can choose to ignore him. I prefer that you go and do the classy thing and walk over and say hi, just wanted to say hello.

We're not together, so I won't be talking to you tonight, but it's nice to see you here or whatever. Just move along. It's nice to see you here, and move along right, just to acknowledge acknowledge him, and enjoy your thing. Or you can leave. You can take some friends with you and just get out of there, right. But this will hang in at the exit, waiting to talk to you. It sounds like you broke up fairly recently, so it's raw for him and he's trying to win you back.

And the fact that he responded with anger like you're ungrateful, it makes me a little bit worried, all right, So this is alarming behavior, Like you know what I would if you see him at the next party, leave right away and don't leave alone. Bring someone with you. Okay, that's what I would do. Okay, one more quick one, dear, talk to Wendy. Why do people on dating apps set updates and not follow up? Oh, it's an easy question.

So for many people, they get enough hit of a dopamine knowing that somebody wants to go out with them. In other words, they get bored with just scrolling around and get a whole bunch of people in their message box, and then they set up stuff and they don't actually follow through. Hopefully they're not leaving you alone in a restaurant or coffee shop, but like they'll just say yeah, yeah, maybe next week, and then they don't, right, Because there are people who get high off just the interest and

they don't even need to go through the date. So that's why it's very important that you do not set up a date on a dating app. That you get on the phone very quickly and talk to somebody and you talk to them regularly, Okay, maybe do some FaceTime whatever, And so when the first time you meet, it shouldn't be a date. It should be a quick twenty minute drive by coffee somewhere drive by date that's it, and then decide if you want to go on a first date.

But yeah, that's why they do it. They're getting enough of a dopamine high. All right, when we come back, you're in a brand new relationship. Here's what you should do in the first thirty days. And no, it doesn't hook up every single day with them. I'll explain when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

people are starting to get off those dating apps. We're seeing a decline in almost all of them, and instead people are moving to dms on Instagram because they see what friends they have in common or they're actually meeting in the real world. I want to talk particularly to men to how they can brush up on their dating skills if they're looking for a long term relationship. So douze, if you're looking for a hookup, you can turn this off right now if you're actually looking for a relationship.

And some of this advice comes from my experience, some comes from my husband, Julio's experience, who tells me a lot about guys, and some of it I've read around. But I want to say this from the beginning. Julio told me that if you're he wants every guy to know this. If you're interested in having a long term relationship with a woman, don't risk touching her too early

because you might scare her off. So if the focus is her beauty, her body and sex and reaching out and touching her, that sends her the message that you just want sex now. If you are wanting a short term relationship, of fine, go to it, but you'll scare off the woman who wants more, right, So let's talk about what you should be doing. The number one complaint that women have about men. I can't believe that this comes up in research study after research study is men

with poor hygiene. I can't believe I have to say this out there, gentlemen, smell good, take a shower, be shaved, do whatever you're going to do that makes you look and feel good and smell clean to her. You should know that women have a much lower tolerance for the feeling of disgust. This has been proven in lots of studies than men do. So she's going to be hyper sensitive if you are not at your best when it comes to hygiene and dare I need to say this too,

This is all like news for dummies. Please take her out. Group dates don't count. You know. I was researching my third book called The Thirty Day Love Detox, and I held a bunch of little champagne parties with women, and I'd asked them questions about their dating life, and I at one of them, was so sad to learn that one woman was twenty six years old and she'd never

been taken on a date by a guy. She'd only been texted you want to go hang out and there would be just groups of people, and she was often expected to pay her way, and I was just like, you know, guys, doesn't have to be expensive. Okay, take her to the yard house. The California pizza kitchen. But you know, take her out, pack a little picnic, go for a hike, you know, bring a few granola bars and some bottles of water for it. You know, do

something make her feel special. But do let her take her own transportation at the beginning, because she might feel unsafe with you as you're getting to know her. Take her on a drink, a date that doesn't involve drinking, doesn't involve drinking or eating. Take her on an experience. You know. One of the things that Julio and I did, mind you, We had the good fortune I say good fortune of meeting at the beginning of the pandemic, and

so we couldn't go anywhere. So we did so many walks, We did so many hiking, We did all kinds of stuff that didn't involve going into restaurants or bars. You know, it's so funny that I have to say this, but you know, like let's say you're only dating like a few weeks, you still want to be careful with your bodily function skies. I mean, it's not the time to burp or have air come out the other way. I know, I know you can do it. We do it. Too. We hold it in. That's what you you need to do.

You need to look like she can dust you off and take you out to meet her parents. Do show some kind of old fashioned manners, but don't go over the top. You see, there's two ways that manners can be interpreted by women. If you open doors for her, it can make her feel like she's too weak to do it or there's something wrong with her. It's also awkward if you tell her stay there, I want to

go open the car door for you. You wait until I you know, walking around the fourteen feet of your suv to get to the door while she sits there is you know, kind of it's awkward, okay, But if you just get to the door first, open it. If you get to the table at the restaurant, pull it out for her. I particularly like man when I get up to go to the restroom at the restaurant, if they stand up when I stand up, I love that just for a second. That's what you do, all right. Also,

make yourself available. Stop hiding behind your iPhone, the text whatever, Pick up the phone when she calls, call her, have real communication. I know what you're saying. That's the old fashion people test text. Now, I'm sorry, Do you want a robot text relationship for the rest of your life? Are you dating AI? Are you dating a human? A living, breathing, smelling, delicious human. Talk to this person, pick up the phone. Be honest and open about where you are in your life.

If you're dating other people, say that, don't let her assume that you're the only one. And it is okay to date other people at the beginning, right, because you're shopping, she's shopping, right, Do some nice things for her, but don't always expect that she needs to reciprocate. You. See, traditional dating and courtship was about showing that you could

sacrifice for her. That means driving far. I have to tell you a story at I can't remember a second or third date with Julio, and I was trying to look for places where we could eat outdoors. I was so afraid of that that pandemic, so afraid of that COVID, and so I said, oh, you know, we should meet outside on the cliff a tarannea resort and at the time I was living down on the South Bay. It

was kind of close for me. And He's like, sure, sure, sure, And then We're eating outside on the picnic table with our takeout food. But I felt comfortable because it was windy and the virus was not coming to get me. And I said, oh, where did you come from? And he was like, Calabasses. I'm like, he drove from Calabasis down to Taranea, which is way pv like way down there, all because of me. He sacrificed. Right, What else do I want to say? Oh, don't be afraid, don't be

afraid to try some humor. She will overlaugh even at your bad jokes if she likes you. You know, we did an episode of my Mating Matter podcast on humor, and there's all kinds of research to show that humor evolved as a mating strategy because it indicates high intelligence. Not every man is good with humor and know when a woman overlaughs at their jokes that she's into them, and they know when it happens. Right. Also, finally, in the first thirty days of a relationship, if you're not

feeling it, move on, but don't ghost her. What does it take to just say hey, instead of I'm not feeling it, I don't like that TikTok guy, Just say you know, I think you're a really fascinating person, but I don't think romance is in the cards for us, and it was lovely meeting. You have some class, have some good communication, get out there and find somebody to love and stay connected with. That is the new trend, a real bond, and that brings the Doctor Wendy Wall

Show to a close. It is always my pleasure to be here on Sunday nights wing in on your love life. As I said, if you miss any part of the show, just download the iHeartRadio app search Doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six point forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI A M six forty from seven to nine p m on Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app.