This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app kf I AM six forty. You know doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. And if you are new to my show, I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships and I love to give my opinion on your love life because I've been through it all. I'm a woman of a certain age, and I promise you I've
been through most everything myself. If you'd like to call in, the number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero one KFI. I'd also like to welcome our Instagram audience. If you want to come in the KFI studios, you just log onto Instagram. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, so, who do we have? First? Producer k Lax. We have Stormy with the question. Stormy. Hi, Stormy, It's doctor Wendy. Hi. What's your question? Love? So?
I think my partner and I've been together for five years a little over five years. There was some cheating.
On my end that I've fully owned up to.
When was that?
It was about a year ago?
Okay, So you worked together for four years and then something was missing for you, and so you had an affair a year ago. Is that right?
Yeah?
Okay, things were worked through, we got better, you know, promised each other, you know, things were going to be okay.
And then recently, i'd say, over the past two maybe maybe three months, things have just gone really really downhill, really fast.
Describe the relationship going downhill in the last three months. And also I want to know how you worked through the forgiveness with the affair and the trust issues. Did you go to therapy together?
We did do some therapy together, I would say, with me fully owning up to what.
I'd done, taking full responsibility for it, you know, not putting any you know, like it was my fault and I know that I shouldn't have done it.
And there's no excuse for doing that.
He was really accepting of that, and you know it was I guess kind of want to say thankful that I did own up.
To it and he was able to get to a place of forgiveness. Yes, And then did you guys, I'm always curious about this. What kind of work did you do to build trust again? Like did you allow him to you know, be mistrustful for a while, you know, look in your phone, ask you where you're going? How did that part go?
Well? He never really, I mean he always did that, you know, I mean there was he was never not able to do something like that. It give me my phone, and.
You still managed to have an affair. Yeah, humans are very smart. All right, So let's talk about the last three months. What has gone downhill? What's happened.
The whole I want to say, the whole relationship. You know, communication has basically ceased. We no longer sleep together. The sex life has just gone, I mean like gone.
And so what precipitated this all of a sudden, I.
Want to say, kind of maybe got into my own mind and thought that because he was so easy to you know, like get his trust back. Even after the fair, it was as if he was only mad for two days and then he was over it. You know, maybe he had done something because you know, you can't can't really complain if you're doing the same thing type of situation.
You started to lose trust.
Yeah, I started to lose trust, and then he began to call me insecure over that and that I my attitude problems essentially you know, ruined it for him, and that he just doesn't want to he's not physically attracted to me, and that's ending more.
Okay, So I want to say a couple of things. One is that an affair is usually a symptom of a problem, it's not the problem. And so getting to the bottom of whatever your unmet need was that caused you to step out on the relationship is should be the goal of therapy together. Right. But the second thing is, if enough time and you guys haven't worked hard to build the trust on both sides, again, all kinds of
things could be going on unconsciously. I mean, he might want to get back at you in some way, some retribution, and you know you're right to suspect, well, well, he seemed to get over it so quickly. Maybe he's having an affair, right, But you guys didn't talk about these things. You just let them kind of fester there. So now he's saying he's not physically attracted to you, And I want you to know that it's not about you and your body or your looks. It's what happened in his
brain because of this lack of trust. So let me ask you this, Stormy, what do you want? What do you want to have happen?
I mean, I want to work things out, and you know, I love it. I bingim for five years now. It's it's not anything that I want to lose, but it has also caused me to lose some I want to say, some attraction towards him as well, you know, the lack of intimacy and the relationship. Yeah, I feel like I want to I basically have to like beg, you know, and I'm not a beggar. I don't want to beg. It makes me seem very desperate. Yeah, nobody wants to see a beggar.
Well, okay, so here's what you guys. If you're if there's any hope of the two of you building the trust and intimacy that you had in previous years in your relationship, you guys got to get back into couples therapy together, and they're probably gonna One of the things that they might prescribe is for you not to rush into sex with him, but instead get back to just cuddling and kissing and touching and just being respectful to each other and being open to listening to each other's feelings.
But if he won't go to therapy, do the two of you live together?
We do?
Yeah, you live together. He's saying he's not attracted to you. If he won't go to therapy, then he got a problem because you're basically he's basically breaking up with you at that point, and then you've got to decide whether to go or not. It's a terrible time. I think it can be saved, but only if the two of you go to therapy together so that you can work on this and storm it. I know how painful this is, and thank you so much for calling to share it with me.
That's all.
It's a hard one. Thank you for calling. All right, Producer, Kayla, Who do we have next? We have Nick with a question. Nick. Hi, Nick, It's doctor Wendy.
Hi.
I don't know if you remember me. I was married, I had a foster, my niece and nephew, and then after six month year you got a divorce because he gave me a yeah.
Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Yeah.
He gave me an ultimatum between him and the kids. But I was just wondering if, like, after you find out love, like, is it relevant anymore? Like, you also want a connection with someone, like do you like?
What do you do?
Just find a mutual agreement between someone?
Wait, go back to the beginning. You were cut out. You said, after you fall out of love, what do you do? What did you say?
Yeah, so after you kind of like find out love isn't relevant anymore?
If that makes sense?
Well, Nick, let us break down what your definition of love is. Yes, what is it? What does love mean to you?
I mean just someone that's gonna go through anything and everything with you.
Uh huh. And so now the relationship you're in, you don't.
Trust, not in a relationship, But I don't like I do want some type of connection, but like I don't want a relationship if that makes sense.
Huh? So uh what kind of connection would you like? Nick?
Well, I don't want.
I don't want what the relationship I.
Had before, where I thought it was like all fairy tale endings.
Well, I think it's a great thing that we can all let go of fairy tale endings. First of all, that's a big delusion. Most rom com movies end at the very beginning, where the work starts, right, But I think that you have this idea that security. You use the word love, but then you described feelings of trust and security. You tell me that security is irrelevant, or maybe you're saying it's not possible. Maybe because of the hurt you've been through, you've actually lost faith in whether
you can find that kind of safety in a relationship. Again, is that what I'm hearing?
I mean, yeah, but like something is important as taking care of my nephew and niece, Like seven years of relationship just ended because they didn't want to help out for a while.
Yeah, it's hard because a few weeks ago, a few weeks ago, nick I did a segment on how to break up with somebody you're in love with, right, because you have different life goals. You realize that somebody is on a career path that's not going to make sense for you, or somebody wants kids and somebody doesn't want kids, and that's when it hurts.
Right.
So, first of all, the altruistic and kind, loving thing you're doing by being a parent to your niece and nephew is so powerful and so important, And there is going to be someone out there who will deeply respect you and that act of love that you are giving every day, and so to dismiss the idea that you can ever find somebody who could help out or could love and appreciate you for who you are. I don't think you should give up on love. I think it's out there and it will come at the right time.
But not if you're cynical about love, Nick, because I know you have a well of love to give. You've called in before, you told us your story. I know what a giver you are, and I promise you there's somebody out there who gives as much as you do or more. Thank you for calling. All right, when we come back, I'm going to go to social media. I see a lot of dms coming in and answer some of your questions from social media. You are listening to
the Doctor Wendy Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to.
The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I love to go to my social media into my DMS because you guys write some good stuff, really good questions you send on my DMS, and I don't worry if you ever send me any during the weekend, do it at anytime.
The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh. We mostly check Instagram. Kayla looks at it, she'll pull them off. You will not be identified on the radio ever. I would never out anybody that way. So you can be as honest as you like. All Right, Hi, Doctor Wendy says this listener. I had a date with a guy about a month ago. We text and call every day, but when I try to make plans he has excuses. Why does he text me every day but won't see me? It's so weird. You're gonna hate what I'm gonna say. The answer is
because you let him. Because you let him. You see, we teach people how to treat us. I would turn this whole question around and instead of saying why is he texting you every day and not wanting to see you? I would say why are you responding to texts from a guy who doesn't want to see you?
Right?
Ask yourself why? I know I know the answer. You're in love with Hope, and you think if you're nice and sweet and chatty with him, eventually he'll come around and get together. No, no, no, no, no, no, this guy, I'll tell you why he does it. He likes you only he likes you, but he also likes the other
twenty girls he's texting. I'm making up that number could be five, and so he's just when he you know, when he has a last minute plan or something, he's going to text one of them and go, you up or you want to go, I got tickets to this whatever, and it's just going to be very He doesn't have to do much work, so you need to be the woman who disappears and makes him work. We teach people how to treat us by our reaction to them, and every time you text back, you are giving him permission
to have a halfway text relationship with you. All Right, Dear doctor Wendy, I hope you can help me with this. I'll do my best. A new girl i'm seeing is from a guy did a background check on me, and it brought up that I was arrested back in twenty nineteen. Let me do that math. That's five years ago.
Okay.
She started questioning me about everything that took place, But I've grown so much since then. However, I still got defensive and I even cursed at her. I regret this so much. How do I own up to my past mistakes and not act out when they are brought up? So this message goes to everybody who's listening, who has anything in their past that they regret or that they learned from. It is the feeling of shame, and shame is only dangerous to us when it is when the
trauma has been unprocessed. Right, Once you process whatever you've been through and understand it, make a narrative and a story about it, be comfortable with yourself and the lessons you've learned because of it. Whatever this thing is, then you can talk about it freely. If you followed me for a lot of years, you know that I have been everything that ever existed, from a mistress to a living girlfriend, to a wife, to a divorcee to a victim of domestic domestic violence. I have been a victim
of rape. I can talk about it because I spent all those years in therapy crying about it, processing all those feelings. Right, So you're going to get to a point, hopefully where you can say, yeah, I made a big mistake and I was given a huge lesson to learn, and I am not that person. You know my own husband, if you've again follow me, you already know this. If you'reknew to this show, My own husband served a year of incarceration in his life, and he told me about
it on our very first coffee date. And while I wanted to know every detail, I was more curious. And he calls it understanding and empathetic more than accusatory. But you have to understand that the people, most of the people that you're going to be telling the story to, whatever it is that happened in your past, it might just it might be incarceration, it might be something else that happened to you or something you did. Those other people have their own shame, and sometimes by you telling
your story, it ignore and it's their shame. But guess what, that's their problem, it's not yours. Because you've processed it, you've gone through it, you're able to talk about it. You can quite honestly say how you've grown. And in fact, one of the best ways to talk about shame is to say the words, you know, I feel really ashamed sometimes about this It's also okay to have boundaries, especially
if it's a first date. You could say something like, you know, I have some feelings of embarrassment and shame about this, and you do deserve an explanation. And when I know you better, hopefully I can share with you all the details of that. That's called having a boundary. You can do that too. Thank you for writing, and I'm sorry you're going through this all right, Dear doctor Wendy. I have a problem. Every time I have a new partner, I find their X. How do you find their X?
I guess on social media or whatever? Okay, and compare myself to them. And then she writes in caps, every single time I was cheated on in every relationship I was in with their ex. Oh my, well, now I do this with all relationships, and I essentially self sabotage. How can I heal through this? Well, you're gonna call a licensed therapist and you've got to work through your issues because there's something going on and you're unconscious here.
I don't know what it is what I'm telling you, You know, the unconscious knows what it's going for I always say, if we have some kind of trauma, in our early childhood, in our adult romantic lies, we're going to go right back to the scene of the crime. We will unconsciously be like But they're so different. They're totally different. They have a different career than the last person I dated, they're a different age, they're a different race,
they drive a different car. Uh uh. The romantic dynamic dynamics, the attachment style is all going to be the same. So if your conflict is that you are cheated on by their ex, a good therapist can help you go through your childhood with a fine tooth comb and be able to figure out where the root of that pain really began, and then help you, like consciously go I don't need to choose this this time. I've processed it, I've been through it. I don't really need to choose it.
But it is a bit of a long road. But I promise you it's not that every guy out there who's an ex has an X he's going to get back with. It's that you find him, and you unconsciously need to find My fingers are making quotation marks when I say need to find them, because you're trying to resolve something from your childhood. So really talk to a licensed therapist. In your case, I might recommend somebody who's more psychoanalytical and cognitive behavioral. But that's because this sounds
like it's an early life thing. To me, I don't know. Good luck to you. Oh my gosh, how time flies when you're having fun. Listen. Part of being in love is also losing love, whether it's divorce, a breakup, or whether you lose a long term spouse because they passed away. When we come back, I have a very special guest who's going to share her personal story of loss and also what we can all do to learn how to
grieve in a more healthy way. You are listening to the Doctor Andy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Andy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, one of the things I teach is developmental psychology, and part of human development is growth and dealing with all the changes that happen with growth and even aging, and also maintenance maintaining our good mental health, maintaining our physical health, but also loss, because life is also about loss, and
not knowing how to deal with loss. Not knowing how to grieve can obviously impact your mental health, but even your physical health. I would like to introduce a special guest today. I think you've been on the show before, Doctor Ava Cadell. Hi, Doctor Cadell, how are you. I'm good.
Hi, doctor Wendy. Yes, I was in the studio many years ago.
And I'm sure we were talking about sex, because you are the queen when it comes to sexology. Doctor Ava Cadell, if you don't remember, is a clinical sexologist and a sex certified sex counselor, and she is a founder of something called love Ology University, an online university for love coaching, as also a private practice. Deals with everything from the most common mismatched sex drives to power struggles, infidelity, orgasm barriers,
fear of intimacy, sexual compulsion, sexual healing, et cetera. However, I always say, doctor Ava, people think I talk about sex a lot on this show, but I do not talk about sex. I talk about relationship dynamics, and if I ever talk about sex, it's only in the context of relationship dynamics and how things sort of come out sexually.
Right, People seem to, you know, focus on the sex part. It's still taboo enough that it makes such a big impact on people that that's all they remember.
It's funny.
And I bet when they come to you as clients, they come with a sex issue and you're able to drill it down to the relationship issue that caused it.
Well, yes, and actually it usually has nothing to do with sex. It's basically communication. It's a lack of you boundaries and just into it communication so that they speak the same language, you know, whether they're left brain or predominantly right brain. But sex is part of it, but it's not all of it, as you well know, right.
I always say it's sort of the symptom often for something else. So so you know, people listen to me because I talk a lot about how to fall in love, how to have healthy love, how to have healthy communication. I don't talk enough about loss, but whether it's divorce, or whether it's a breakup with your boyfriend or girlfriend, or whether it's grieving the loss of a loved one who's passed. Doctor Ava Cadell, You've had some very experiential learning in this area. Do you want to tell us about it?
Yeah?
Absolutely, And strangely enough, I have evolved into becoming more of a heala than a sexologist because of my own experience. And that was that my beloved husband, who I was with for twenty seven years, he passed away, and nobody prepares you for that, and so it was so traumatic for me, even though I knew it was going to happen because he had cancer, that when he did pass away and when I watched him take his last breath,
I could not get that vision out of my mind. Well, I never will, and my heart still has a whole where I love him so much. But I've managed to heal myself and so now I have this healing program where I love to help others to heal, you know, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and even sexually.
And you know, we've actually had many guests, or not guests, but callers, listeners of our show call in with this issue, this sort of complicated grieving, especially after a very very long relationship. Help us understand how a committed, intimate romantic relationship becomes a part of your identity, not just your social identity, but your sense of self? Can you explain that?
Well, First of all, intimacy has really nothing to do with sex. I've discovered that I thought it did for twenty years actually, But intimacy is much more important, much more lasting, and truly helps us with empowerment and enlightenment as human beings. And so after you lose somebody, you have to you have to grieve, and there's no right or wrong way for grieving. And so I explored every way that I could, using pet therapy and humor and
water and music and crystals. And we're so individual, just like our fingerprints, that we need to help everybody listening to the show, because there's not one cookie cutter solution for all the people who are grieving today who've lost someone, As you said, not just by death, but a divorce can be even worse than death some people.
Oh, especially if you're seeing them on social media, if you're still seeing friends who are giving you news of them. It's like having the ghost of your marriage around you at all times while you're trying to get over it. It can be particularly difficult. But our when I when I talked about our identity, I have you know, I just got married like six weeks ago.
Alculation, thank you.
So exciting, although we've been together for four years, but to have this experience where I'm now functioning to call it as half a brain, meaning that we've kind of united in you know, our division of emotional labor, our division of intellectual labor, obviously, our division of household labor has all taken this burden off me because I was doing everything. And I realize the benefits of being in
a long term, intimate, committed relationship. But I think to myself, if anything ever happened to him, I would feel like half a me had died. Did you have that feeling when you lost your husband?
So, yes, this is very interesting what you're saying. However, my husband and I had a very unique marriage in that he had his identity as a very powerful, successful attorney, and then I had my identity, you know, as a love sex doctor who traveled around the world lecturing, and then we had the identity of us together. And that was wonderful because he took such good care of me and I felt very nurtured, and I lost all of that when he died. So since then, it's been challenging
for me because I have to do everything myself. I have to be, you know, completely independent, and I'm trying to like it.
It's like, all of a sudden, you have this whole other job. I remember years ago a friend of mine lost her husband and she came to it. She was a work colleague and she came to work and she goes. I never knew that he watered the lawn. My lawn is dead now. I didn't even know, like when did he do that on a regular But there is like literal stuff. Hey, we have to go to a break, doctor Cadell. When we come back, let's really do some news you can use for people who may be dealing
with loss. Things they should do, things they probably shouldn't do to help heal themselves. You are listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh The Doctor Wendy Walls Show. My guest is doctor Ava Caddell. We are live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Hullo, Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. My guest doctor Ava Cadell is a world famous clinical sexologist, but she herself has been dealing with loss because of the loss of her husband after twenty seven years. How long has it been since he passed away to gidel.
Well, this year is actually his tenth anniversary, and I finally got his book published, which is a promise I made to him before he passed away. I'm actually celebrating this.
This is the first thing we should say that people can go to the KFI website KFI six forty dot com search doctor Wendy Walsh, and we're going to have information on his book, so you can. You mentioned he was a powerful attorney, so I'm sure it's filled with lots of juicy Hollywood secrets as well.
It is. It's well, Blood and Justice on the sunset strip.
Oh wonderful. So let's talk about in the early days of dealing with this loss, what were the things that you would not recommend that people do. Maybe things you tried.
Well, I would not recommend dating right away.
Why is this.
Because you're trying to replace someone who's not replaceable, Because you're trying to numb the pain and that's not the way to heal, and you want to surround yourself with loving people, not complete strangers who just want to maybe have sex with you. It's really the worst thing you can possibly do. You know.
Years ago, I went on a date from a dating app with a gentleman who had lost his wife. I think in the you know, maybe close to a year before, maybe ten months or something before. And for the entire two hours he talked about her. I was a good listener, it was a good stories. But at the end, I was like, he hasn't asked me one thing about me. You know, he was still in mourning and I was there as witness to his grieving. So I understand what you mean. It was way too early for him to
be out there dating, that's for sure. Okay, what else should people not do?
Don't get rid of all his or her clothes immediately and all their belongings. Don't give everything away or sell everything?
Oh why is that?
You will regret it. It's something that people do when they're still in shocks. They even get rid of their bed, they get rid of everything, their photos because they think they're on a time limit to stop breathing, and there is no time limit.
It's so interesting, So go ahead, go ahead, tell your story.
First, I had a client who his wife died and he left her clothes in the closet for two years. But there's nothing wrong with that.
And then he was ready, Yeah, and then he was ready, as a friend of mine said, when they lost their father and they kept his closet intach for quite a while. At a certain point they had to give rid to
the shoes. They were stinking. But you know, it's funny you say this because when I was thirty, both my parents died in one year breast cancer, lung cancer, bad year, and my aunts showed up when I think when my mother died, yes, and literally went through her closet, packed up everything, sent stuff for the good Will, all in one weekend because they were coming from out of town and they had to get their flights. And I was paralyzed emotionally and physically. There is no way I could
figure out to do all this. And by Monday morning, like the funeral was Saturday, by Monday morning, her whole life was packed up and gone. And I see what you mean, because I'll sometimes say, where did that little painting go that she did? Where is that little piece of jewelry? And gone? Just yes, yeah, okay, So what should people do if they're grieving. What's some good advice that works now?
Number one is to practice self care because grief can cause appetite loss or overeating, sleeplessness, lack of energy, difficult concentrating, So you need to really strive to eat as well bounced diet and rest and exercise and talk to your doctor and talk to close friends and just be good to yourself. It's the most important thing. If there's only one thing you do, it's self care.
I know you mentioned dating, Probably not a good idea. What about socialized and social support at that time?
Interesting? Yes, and no, go out and socialize, but don't talk about your grieving because people will stop inviting you. I know that sounds so callous, but I've seen it many, many times. You can choose one person who you know and talk about it, or find someone else who also perhaps has lost someone, But to talk about it to everybody can actually be quite embarrassing, and it's just something that I don't recommend.
And if somebody is an extrovert like me and externally processes, then this is a time to talk to a therapist, right.
Oh, yes, a therapist. Close friends, you know, people who may be in your temple or your church. Yes, talk to people who listen, who want to listen, and welcome the support of others. In fact, surround yourself with people who do love and care for you, and please allow
them to help you with everything. That's another thing that some people they punish themselves and they think, oh my gosh, I've got to take care of my legal matters, I've got to do these tasks, I've got to do that, and they become overwhelmed and sometimes they have panic attacks because they can't do everything on their own. So welcome the support and express your feelings and your gratitude to those people.
And let's talk about timing. There used to be an old fashioned rule you were supposed to be in mourning for one year. Does that rule apply?
I don't think any rules apply because we're all individuals. Absolutely not. All rules are made to be broken.
But how do we know when it's too long, when we've been unable to let go and it goes into a full diagnosis of complicating grieving and clinical When do we know?
Well, that's a good question because nobody really knows. But you can tell when you have recovered when you've taken control of your life instead of letting life control you. And recovery also means making a commitment to love yourself as much as you loved your beloved who has passed. So it's knowing when you have recovered and reinvented your life without the fear of being hurt or abandoned again.
And then for some people may take a couple of years.
Absolutely, and I know a lot of people never get married again, or they never have a long term relationship. They surround themselves with animals, or they do you know, I bought a spiritual retreat as part of my healing and my recover I bought this retreat from monks. It was always something I had manifested. So allow yourself to manifest what is going to make you feel. Let's say the word normal. It's not my favorite word, but recovery is knowing that you are normal and that you can
handle anything that the universe throws at you. But you have to be ready. You have to be strong physically, and you have to be you know, you have to have yourself love and feel good emotionally, spiritually, psychologically.
Doctor Ava Caddell, I love your advice. About especially social support. Get out there and talk to people, but not necessarily about your your grieving. It gives the brain a little break. Doctor Ava Cadell, Where can people find you if they want to find out more about your spiritual retreats and your books.
Just avacadel dot com. A V A C A D E.
Always always have you on the show. Thank you so much for being here and thank you for listening. You have been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.