This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You at Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience. If you'd like to come and see what we're doing here in the studio, just log onto Instagram. My handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh. No period. Okay, Producer Kayla, this is the time where I'm taking your calls.
If you have a relationship question, you're welcome to change your name, keep your yourself private, that's okay. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. Okay, Producer Kayla. Who do we have first? We have Kelly with a question. Kelly, Hi, Kelly, it's doctor Wendy. Oh my gosh, your show is great and thank you for having the show.
Thank you, Thank you.
Kate. So, first date not really update encounter. Second on the first date, is there any hope for a relationship well, you know, every time I say that, you know, if you have sex on a first date, you're probably sending the message that this is a short term relationship. Somebody will write to me and say, you know what, I hooked up with my wife on the first date and we've been together thirty eight years, and I'm like, oh, well,
maybe if it started in the eighties. The answer, Kelly, is whether you can establish emotional intimacy, because at the end of the day, if you have sex on a first date, you're basically saying this is just about sex. But if you can talk to them and say, hey, I don't usually do that, or I sometimes do that, but I feel like this could be more. I'm having strong feelings towards you. This was great. Could you know, could we kind of reset a little bit and start
talking and get to know each other. They might be open to it, they might be open to having a relationship. But in general, the rule is if you engage in sex on a first date, then everybody's got what they needed and they move along. There's no build up. And I've done it, by the way, I've been heartbroken by it. I remember a guy said to me one I wanted to court. You dude, why are you like making it seem like it's all my fault. You were the one that moved to so Kelly maybe is my answer, big
fat maybe. Thank you so much for calling. Okay, producer Kayla, who do we have next? We have Alex with the question Alex, Hi, Alex is doctor Wendy.
Hello, how are you good?
What's your question? Love?
So it's kind of a two parter, but they kind of feed into each other, okay, because yeah, So basically the first question is were the effects of the divorce on children? And when do you know a marriage can't be saved? And the whole point of asking is my parents divorced when I was very young, and I kind of wonder, well, you know, what could they have done to save, if anything at all, and would that even be better for me and by when we grew up if.
They had Well, of course I wasn't living in your family, Alex, so I didn't see what went on. Because sometimes there are toxic nests for kids where there are you know, domestic violence and alcohol abuse and drug abuse and child you know, child corporal punishment hitting kids around basically, and so in that case, parents divorcing like one good, solid, stable, loving parent is always better than two. On the other hand, the research does show that staying together for the kids
is often a good idea. If parents can put their adult needs aside and make the needs of the children. That's the key. You have to make the needs of the children a priority. But your second question, how do you know if you've done everything you can and the marriage should have ended or should end? You could only know that by doing the work with a licensed clinical therapist. You need to have outside eyes. You need to spend some time doing some conscious uncom bling or conscious getting
back together. But you can't unless, as I said, the relationship is so toxic that there's been drug or alcohol abuse, that there's been domestic violence, that there's been chronic chronic, chronic cheating that's not going away. Then you know it can't it can't work. But thank you. It's a good question, Alex. Okay, who do we have next? Producer calein, we have a talk back with an interesting question. Talk back that's where our listeners record a message, which you can do on
the iHeartRadio app. Okay, go ahead, you.
Know I'm going to be seventy this year. And I'm just so confused. I don't know how to address black people anymore. You know, I'm not a racist, but I said great neighbors that are black, And you know, is it like people of color? Is it like African American? Is like black people? I know it's not the N word, but I don't know what to do anymore.
That is so honest, and I actually I'm sorry, producer, Kayla, but there's some sweetness to that.
Don't be sorry.
I thought it was very innocent.
I don't think he's I don't think he's asking me how to talk to black people. He means how to refer to the group of people of color? Right, and he went through a laundry list. Do I call people of colored people of color? Do I call him African American? Do they call them black? I can't answer that question. I mean, I do have mixed race children, so I could probably say what they would say. But Kayla, why don't you answer this question?
Well, I can't speak for all black people, but I definitely don't like being referred to as colored.
Don't call me that.
I don't mind being called black or African American though, or beautiful, wonderful.
Yeah, I think those are the most socially acceptable black or African American right right now, in this time. Okay, all right, so if you'd like to call in, the number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five to zero one five three four. I do want to take a moment and go to social media because people have been sending me dms as well, and I want to make sure I get a few of those in. All right, here's
one that producer Kayla just slipped to me. Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, this is a heartbreaking one. How do I deal with not being chosen? It's never me? I date men for months who claim they don't want a relationship, then they get in one and it's never me. It hurts so badly. Okay, I'm gonna a couple things I want to address you. There are two kinds of ways to look at the world. You can look at the world as a glass half full, or you can look at the world as a glass
half empty. And I would suspect, by the way you worded all of this that you are more of a pessimist who looks at the world as a glass half empty. So I'm gonna say it's not about you, and going to a therapist to build your self esteem is the first bit of advice I'd have for you. But there's something else I'm hearing you say, I date men for months who claim they don't want a relationship. I want to gently say, that's on you. We have to listen
to people's words. If they say they don't want a relationship, we shouldn't stay in it and try to convince them. Otherwise, if somebody says I want to break up, or I want a divorce, or I'm happy to have sex with you, but I don't want a romantic relationship, then you've got to believe those words. I will tell you truthfully that happened to me. There was a person in my life for almost a decade who was on again, off again playboy who I loved so deeply. Again, I didn't really
love him. He was the convenient object from my early life life, longing in trauma for my dad who was away in the Navy on ships, and I was missing him, and he behaved with He was a submariner, not my dad. This guy he would go down and up, well, he also went down. It Kyla HeLa, Oh my god, I'm just saying he disappeared and then he would resurface. That's all I said. Well, I don't know what you heard there, producer, Kayla,
why are you laughing so hard? You know? But anyway, one day he said to me, I don't think I can have a romantic relationship with you. And this is the person I've been sleeping with. Right, it felt just hearing those words felt like the only way I can describe it is it felt like a train rolling over from my body from the toes up, this feeling of vibration, of deep pain, and I start. I remember I was driving my car very unsafe, pull over if this ever happened,
and I was crying so hard. I was shaking and crying so hard, and I cried for like days hearing those words. I mean, if he's listening, please no, thank you, thank you, because it was those words that sent me to a therapist. It was those words with the goods in my case, a psychoanalytic therapist or I love dearly to this day, who helped me understand that this feeling did not belong in this day, this feeling did not belong with this man. This feeling was a very ancient
feeling that needed to be processed. But I know the feeling you're in when you say why don't they pick you? And you get in relationships with them and then they say they don't want a relationship. Oh yeah, yeah, yah ya, I know how much it hurts. Hey. When we come back, I'm going to continue going to my dms. Also, if you'd like to, you can do a talk back. How do they do a talk about Kayla? They have to download the iHeartRadio app.
There's a little Mi cphone in the left hand corner and they can record a thirty second message.
Okay, So you download the iHeartRadio app and then search KFI first KFI AM six forty AIM six forty and then upper left there's a little microphone. You can at any time do that anytime during the week, record that and producer Kayla, we'll get it. Say here I have a question for Doctor Wendy and she'll keep them all and then we can play them on Sundays, which is
always fun. Anyway, we'll be back after this. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty one Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show i KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, I want to go to my social media now, because so many of you do send me dms with your relationship question and questions, and I am honored that you do so so and I will protect your privacy. I'm never going to say your handle or your name or anything. And even when I read your questions out, I sometimes change the gender, the age, the occupation, whatever. I did.
Just think we all need to be protected. All right, here we go, Dear doctor Wendy. I was hooking up with a man who wouldn't make me his girlfriend because he wanted to finalize his divorce before starting something new with me. Note to woman, he's already started something new with you. Okay, As she continues, I respected his wishes. Uh oh. We ended up pregnant after a few months, and now his treatment of me has completely changed. He's drawing clear lines that I am the mother of his child,
not his girlfriend. He's become cold. He still wants to sleep over and sleep with me. But it's very complicated. Now. How can I enforce more clear boundaries or found out how he wants to move forward as a family, whether we co parent or we're together. Okay, So I just want to say one thing. You have given this man way too much power. You shared your body, your bloodstream, your eggs with him before he was able to even commit to you. Right. I always say that women should
only have blue chip sex. That's a good stock that they trade for the highest price you can ever charge for sex, which is care and commitment. So I'm so sorry to tell you that that's happened your chances. I can hear in your words that you're pining away for him to suddenly say, my divorce is final. Let's you and I get married and make a nuclear family. And you deserve it because you're the princess who's been waiting for me all this time. Thank you, baby, That's not
going to happen. I'm sorry. So here's what I suggest for you. You have a lot coming up in your future, and you need to have some professionals around you. I don't know who your social support is, I don't know who your family members are if they can be there for you. You definitely need a lawyer, and you definitely need a licensed therapist, and you need to reach out that. Look, if you can't afford it, you call your health insurance
and you find out what therapists they cover. You need to excuse me, you need to at least call a lawyer and pay for a one hour session where you just ask a bunch of questions to make sure that you and your child are protected. Because the fact that you say he's become a bit cold tells me that no, it's it's not going to be what you dream it's going to be. I'm so sorry, baby, but you know what, You're being given an amazing gift of a beautiful little
angel who's coming into your life. So I want you to focus on that angel and how you can make the best life for them. Oh, thank you for writing makes me sad? All right? Moving on, dear doctor Wendy. My girlfriend has male best friend. Woo maybe a threat to you. We'll see. We've been together eight months and her male best friend's birthday is the day after mine. She wants to do I love it. I'm sorry. I'm reading this sentence and I'm already laughing because I'm like, girl,
you are brave. She wants to do a joint celebration when I spent fifteen hundred dollars on her birthday celebration. I don't want to sound jealous or controlling, but this is unacceptable. How do I address this? Well, you don't have to sound jealous, you don't have to sound controlling. You can just talk about you and what your needs are. So it's perfectly okay to say, hey, great idea, but no thanks, I'd rather celebrate my birthday privately with you,
just as I did for your birthday. That would have more meaning for me. And that's it. You don't have to give a whole bunch of other whatever. And she said, no, I just want to do it joint. Then you can just move on and say, you know I'm gonna a celebrate my birthday with someone else? Then right, Just set your boundaries. You don't have to convince her you have the right way. Just do what's best for you. Take care of you. I don't like this. Dear doctor, Wendy,
my fiance is going through a tough time. Her brother, Oh dear, was just diagnosed with stage four cancer. Oh, I'm so sorry she's taking her pain out on me. We've been together seven years, but I'm starting to resent her attitude. How do I handle this? My future wife needs to be able to handle her emotions. Okay, I heard a lovely, lovely sentence that a therapist told me at a social event recently. Therapists hang out with therapists and radio hosts and psychology professors. And actually this is
a birthday party for a sex therapist. Don't ask me what went on there, nos, it was like it was fun anyway. She said that when she's being kind of she and not great, her husband has a line he uses with her, and he says, please be more gentle with my wife. Please treat my wife kinder. And so I'm thinking there's a version of this. She's taking out her pain on you. But you could even say, I want you to treat your husband a little more kindly because he loves you. Something like that. Just sort of
let her know that she's being particularly hard on you. Also, do cut her some slack. It is a really, really, really hard time, all right, So I think we have time for one more. Oh, it's a good question. Happens all the time. Dear doctor Wendy. After connecting with a man on hinge he said he was six feet tall, but when we met he was five foot nine. Do I acknowledge his lie because I really don't like liars? Or should I be sensitive to his insecurity? What an
excellent question. First of all, you should know that everybody lies at the beginning of dating relationships. They shouldn't be lying on dating apps because you haven't even met the person yet. But part of human mating strategy is to sort of make yourself seem like you are just the most high value mate out there, right, So men more often are likely to lie about their height and their income. Women are more likely to lie about their age and their weight. Men don't like it when we lie, We
don't like it when they lie. In fact, there was research done a few years ago by the Kinsey Institute and they said that the number one thing people hated about online dating were the lies that people said in their profiles, Because, just like you're pointing out, how can you trust them with anything if the whole relationship begins with a lie. So the answer is you bring it up, but you don't say you're a liar. We don't want to call people names. You might say something like, hey,
it's really great getting to know you. I just want to bring up something because it's kind of been on my mind. You know, in your profile you said you were six feet tall, and you sure act it. You got tall man energy, that's for sure. See a little compliment there, Get that, and then say, but you're really not. And so I wonder, like it makes me have a weird feeling, like I wonder what else you could be lying about, and just use this gentle conversation to open
the door to exploration. If he says, yeah, I'm sorry, I just knew you wouldn't search for me if it was that height, and I'm sorry. Okay. If he gets defensive and angry about it, then you know he doesn't have enough self confidence to have a healthy relationshipbody. Okay, but it's all in the delivery, honey, all in the delivery, all right? When we come back, where are we going after this? Ooh? There is one thing that breaks up relationships more than anything else, and I know it's my kombucha,
my throat. I know you're thinking it's sex and money, but it's something else. When we come back, you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know, people break up for all kinds of reasons. Often it has to do with money and sex, right, financial problems, or which is not sexually compatible, I'm not attracted to him anymore or her anymore or whatever.
Right.
But you know what, if you think those are the only two reasons that people most often break up or cheating, whatever, you know what it really is. It's boredom. Boredom people get bored. I've said it one hundred thousand times. I'll say it again. When till Death Do us part was invented, death was pretty imminent because of our very long life expectancies, we are going to see two or three long stint of monogamy in our life. Now, don'ty mail, don't call me.
If you've been married thirty forty years, good for you. You are the minority, and I'm very proud of you. And maybe you are lucky enough to both have a secure attachment style and have those exciting, lustful chemicals for the whole time. Good for you, that's great. The rest of us have to do a little bit of work. There are all kinds of reasons for staying together in a long term relationship, like making an intellectual decision to stay together.
Maybe you've got kids in the nest. A lot of research out there to say that staying together for the kids is actually a really good idea for the kids. Okay, and aren't they you? They're your genes, right. That's one good reason to stick it out. The other reason is maybe you're facing an empty nest or have experienced an empty neest recently, and now it's time for you to repurpose your boring relationship. Maybe it's time for you, guys, to rewrite your relationship contract. I think boredom is the
enemy of love. So let's talk about ways that you can get out of your funk, get out of your boring relationship without stepping out on your person, without threatening the relationship. Number one, remember why you're there, Remember your goal. Relationships aren't about individual pleasure, they're what the relationship can
actually re seing these kids, et cetera. But if you guys have just stopped being kind to each other, then there's something else going on that you need to talk about, because you need to rewrite the script and you need to plan for a new goal, like what's coming up next. I also want to say this, if you've bored in your relationship, I don't care if you've been together two years or twenty years. You need to be together to
maintain the connection. And when I say be together, I don't just mean stop traveling so much on business, stop going to see your families, come home to your person. I also mean when you're in the same house, spend more time in the same room. Spend more time in the same share you see. When you're struggling to maintain an emotional connection with somebody, it's really common for people to literally end up in different rooms, watching TV, playing
with the computer, whatever. So my personal advice is try to spend some time every evening being together. If you are watching TV, okay, fine, but wrap your legs around each other, cuddle together in that one chair on that sofa.
Right.
If one partner has work to do, bring your work into the same room, be in each other's space so you can break down the walls of silence so you can start to reconnect. Now, I also have three little pieces of advice that you're going to find I hope interesting. They go like this. Treat your partner like a stranger, Treat your partner like an intimate, and treat your partner like a baby. Let me explain. Treat your partner like
you would treat a stranger in your home. Say good morning, say good night, ask them how they are, say please pass the thank you very much, give them the respect that you would give a house guest. And if you are rolling your eyes when you heard me say that, like do you have to do that for whom? Yeah?
Yeah.
If remember water what you want to grow in your garden, don't water the weeds. So treat them like a stranger in your house, just like a house guest. Okay. At the same time, treat them like they're an intimate. If you've been using pet names in the past, it's time to get back to that. Hey, love, how you doing, baby, oh my sweetie, oh my little schnooky whatever you called him or her, I don't care. Get back to the pet names, be intimate, and treat them like a baby.
You know, emotional intimacy is really a contract that says, I'll be your mommy if you'll be mine. In our most intimate state, when we're the most vulnerable, that's when we do our soft, little baby talk. Your living room should not not sound like a boardroom or a boring room. If you're bored in your relationship, get back to the cutesy, cuddly days, the early days. I've said this before, I'm going to say it again. Catch your partner being good more often than you catch them being bad. You get
more flies with honey. If you are being critical all the time, who wants to be around you. Catch them being good. Look for positive behavior, comment on it instead of always criticizing what you don't like. Remember it is not your job to change anybody. It is your job to change your reaction to their behavior. And Finally, two things that the research supports like crazy for long term, happy monogamous couples. One those who remember when stay together
for a really long time. Nostalgia is the superpower of long term lovers. Pull out pictures, photo albums, videos, talk about places you've been, talk about the early days when you fell in love. Keep that nostalgia alive. But having said that, don't just live in the past. Create some novelty. If you are bored in your relationship, then you're a boring person. Get that partner out into something exciting in
the world. Whether it is a new sport you take up together, a new hobby, whether it's a new place you travel to. Just get out there and put your partner in a different light, in a different setting, and they will look new and novel to you. Literally, create novelty all the time in your relationship, so you don't get bored, all right, when we come back. The worst piece of relationship advice ever, and yet people give this advice all the time. It's the worst. I'll talk about
it when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Goodness, welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I am doctor Wendy Walsh. You know I'm here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. And my sweet spot is the science of love. You know, a lot of people like to give relationship advice. If you go on to social media. There are so many so called relationship experts. There are so many dating coaches. There are lots of therapists as well. Listen to somebody
if they're a licensed therapist. I will say that. But there's there is one piece of advice that I'm going to share with you in a minute, and I hear it all the time. Before I tell you what that advice is, I have to tell you a little story
so you know, because I keep talking about it. I got Mary, Yeah, a little over a month ago now, and I found my wedding to be completely happy, contentment, excitement, not so much because of my new husband there, but because I had friends and family member members literally from the very beginning of my life, my brothers to where I am now, colleagues and every friend and stage of
life friend in between. And when I got them all in one room, big party, dancing, and every time I turned my head and looked one direction or another, I'd see somebody I loved for one reason or another, I felt complete. You see, it is in the presence of another person where you realize who you really are. So here's the big bad relationship advice that I hear all the time touted on the internet. It is, you know,
you need to spend some time I'm alone. You need to grow and heal before you can enter a relationship. You need to know who you are and learn to be strong. All right, here's what alone time is. It is avoiding. You can't go sit on the side of a mountain and meditate every day and come back with better relationship skills because you haven't had a gymnasium of the mind a relationship to work out with. Right In some ways, alone time is selfish time. You're not growing,
You're just taking care of your own needs. I mentioned to Julio was away this week. He was in New York at a funeral, and I decided to pamper myself. I got a massage, got a manicure, when worked out, did La pilates. One night, I walked to a five star restaurant, no restaurants to go put the stars like that three star restaurant and ordered take out like a super expensive stake, just ta get home and drank it. With a glass of sh campaign. But myself it was great.
I didn't grow, I didn't become a better person, didn't learn any relationship skills there. I just had some selfish time. You see, we can't grow unless we have someone to bounce ourselves off of. Hey. One of the reasons why solitary confinement in our prison system is so dangerous, and there's quite a movement on to try to get it completely removed as severe human torture is because during those days and weeks and months of solitary confinement, the mental
illness comes because we lose a part of ourselves. We forget who we are if it's not in relation to others. You know, one reason that romantic breakups are so difficult is that we lose a part of our identity. Our relationships are not hard boundaries, they're blurry parts of us where we bleed onto others. We choose the people around us who reflect the best parts of us. I hope, And so now I do want to say one little exception. I would be remiss if I did not say this
one exception. I think it is really bad relationship advice to say that somebody must spend time alone to grow and heal before they enter a relationship unless they're recovering from addiction. Very clearly, you shouldn't have a relationship for a year you need because relationships are just so triggering, like it's hard work and you don't want to run back to whatever substance you've used for your feelings and j LO, if you're listening, I think you should spend
some time alone. I don't know the woman, I don't know what her attachment style is, but there are people out there who might have an anxious attachment style who quickly become enmeshed, and they go from one relation to which another, trying to hope to find feelings of security that just aren't always there.
You know.
One of my favorite quotes I read recently is with the famous therapist Esther Perrell, and she says, you know, when a person feels challenged by a relationship, they might want to step back, saying they need to create more boundaries or that they're being triggered. But Esther Perrell says tension is actually a sign of a potentially healthy partnership, is something to work with, right So I think that right now, there's a little bit of selfishness out there
in the world. We talk about self awareness, self realization, self fulfillment, self care, my self image. How about we and it's time to think about the other. That's how you learn to build a healthy relationship. And on that note, I wish you light and love with all your relationships this week. Remember I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You can also follow me on my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh and you can also join my Patreon, which is
fun patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. We do assume every Wednesday at six o'clock. A lot of KFI listeners on there. It's a fun little Group's not therapy. It's just like a book group. What are we talking about. We don't have a book though. We just talk about relationships. It's fun anyway. Good to see you, Nice to have you here. I'll see you next Sunday. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.