This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KF I Am six forty, the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Hey f, I Am six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome now my Instagram audience. So nice to see some of you from all over the country, in fact, but a lot of you in southern California. And if you would like to call in with a relationship question, I am here for you.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Okay, Producer Kayla, who.
Do we have?
First?
We have Ricky with the question. Ricky. Hi, Ricky, it's doctor Wendy.
Hey, doctor, how are you doing good?
What's your question?
My question is simple because I've heard many times over the years from women of different ages or different stages of life. Hey, you don't listen to me, Ricky. You're not listening to me. It means something different.
Because your ears do work. I know, Ricky, because you're hearing me right now. So when a woman says to you, Ricky, you're not listening to me. What she's really saying is I don't feel understood, can you? And in fact, your response at that point should be what I think I'm hearing is and then make new words. This is called emotional mirroring, and so you make new words for what
you think they heard they said. So they're going to say, you know, whatever their complaint is, and you're going to disagree with them or say whatever or defend yourself and they're going to say, you're not listening to me. So your answer is going to be, well, what I think I heard is that I'm responsible for all of your feelings.
That's a good one.
Or what I think I heard is that you're not happy with the way I whatever. Right, give their feeling a name, try to be a feeling detective. But yes, too many people make that mistake, Ricky, of saying in their relationships, you're not listening, and clearly we all have ears we're hearing and that's not what they mean. Thank you for calling. That's a great question. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do we have next? So we have Darryl next, Daryl, Darryl, Hey, Darryl.
All right, doctor Whitney, how are you?
What's your question?
Uh?
I think you know, you touched on a subject tonight that was really hit home for me. I was like, I've been in love with this woman for sixteen years. She got diagnosed with MS oh dear, and she really has just took a turn like for the worst, and it seems like she doesn't have any time for me anymore. She sleeps like for days, you know, and I'm like all.
Text her and then she wakes up and she's really crabby. Let me tell you what, and it's just her. I don't know what's to you know, I'm in early recovery and I've just mainly been focusing on my self.
It sounds like both of you are healing. She's got her MS, you're in recovery, and you're feeling that while each of you are focusing on your separate healing, that you're growing apart.
Is that what I'm hearing?
Yeah, yeah, that is Yeah.
So I think you know, in this case, learning to talking to her, maybe about converting the relationship to friendship so that you're free to find another kind of love might be wise. But I think that after sixteen years, you owe her some support and some love, right, I mean, I don't think you're going to bail on her because she's sick. But on the other hand, when we are, when our bodies are failing and we're in such a regressed state, sometimes people aren't fun to be around and
it can be very difficult. So you've got your own emotional needs at the same time. So I want you to look at your whole life and all your social support and ask yourself, where can I get my emotional needs met in a different way while still supporting the woman I love? Or is there a way to convert the romantic relationship with the woman I love into friendship so that I can pursue romantic elsewhere. But these conversations need to be had, and you know they have a
lot to do with our own values and morals. But as you said, you're also in recovery trying to take care of yourself. And I'm a big believer, and you got to put your own oxygen mask on first before you can help anybody else. And so taking care of ourself is not selfish, it is self liss so that we can help others. So I'm sorry you're going through this, Daryl, but thank you very much for calling. All Right, Producer Kayla, who do we have next?
We have Craig with a question. Craig, Hi, Craig, it's doctor Wendy.
How you going, Wendy good.
We got a lot of guys today. What's your question? Hi, Craig, and.
Only have one girl.
I'm just thanking them, said two years ago, will blind on that side.
I'm a lot old thing now to a camp out of the girl.
So here's my suggestion for you.
It sounds like, Craig, what you're sharing with me is that you're at a stage in your life where you're older and alone and you want to have a connection with somebody. And my advice would be to get social support wherever you can join a group, volunteer, reach out for services that are available so you can meet other people. You just need to get out in the world. If your focus is only finding a girlfriend or romance, that becomes just a trail of disappointments because it's one after another.
Just expand your social world. One of the things I've notice that happens with a lot of men, especially after divorce or their wife dies, is their social world becomes smaller and smaller and smaller, and men need to learn how to extend their social world. Thank you for calling, Craig. It's lovely to hear your voice. All right, who do we have next? We have time for one more before the break?
We sure, do we have Nia with the question? Was that Nia?
That was Nia?
Nia?
Hi?
Nia, It's doctor Wendy.
Hi, Hi, doctor Wendy. I have a question. So I'm in my early twenties and I'm in my first serious relationship. It's been almost two years and my whole life, I've also had anxiety, and so a lot of times every time I get in an argument or fight with my partner, my first instinct is to break up. And I'm not
sure because this has happened so often. If it means the relationship is just going awry and this isn't the person for me, or it just means maybe my nervous system isn't regulated and maybe I've just had some bad experience experiences in the past that this is like, you know, testing me, you know what I mean. So it's hard to know.
So, Nia, I'm going to share some personal information with you. I used to have the fight or flight syndrome in my relationships. If there was any kind of argument or disagreement, I called it my running feeling.
I would get in my stomach.
I would get this running feeling like I just want to hang up the phone, run out the door, slam the door, drive away fast. It was just hard for me to stay in it during an argument or disagreement. But when I learned how to have healthier fights, and I would suggest that the two of you might see a licensed therapist so you could learn some skills, because you're both young and this is the time to lay
down the strategies. But when I hear you say, well, I'm wondering if it's just my anxiety, and you know, then you're taking too much blame on yourself.
I don't like to hear that.
Okay, I want to see that the two of you, after an argument or a disagreement or a fight, know each other better and become closer because of it. And those are skills that can be learned nia. So you know this is the time, this is the time, your age to learn those skills.
Thank you so much for calling. All right, we're gonna take a break. When we come back.
The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight hundred five two zero, one, five, three four. If you've got a relationship question, give us a call. You are listening to the Doctor Wendywalls Show on KFI AM six forty.
We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Kf I Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show.
Okay, I am going to social media to answer your relationship questions. Actually I was live earlier on TikTok and then I was live on Instagram and some of the people I wrote their questions, you know, in the comments, So I wrote a couple of them down as well.
Plus some of you have been sending me dms. Okay, we have the one question for you that we got a little earlier too. Oh we have a talk back. Why don't we play that first?
Hi, Doctor Wendy. My girlfriend and I have been together for six months. I'm forty nine, she's thirty nine. She has two kids. I have one. She has two divorces. I have two divorces. And we had a fight the other night and we don't know how to fight. So we are both on board for couple's therapy. But that little residual piece in the back of my mind is saying, if we're doing couple's therapy at this point in the relationship, are we doomed? Can you help settle my mind?
Thank you, You are not doomed. In fact, you are doing the exact right thing. Both of you have two marriages behind you, two divorces, and I want to remind everybody who's listening the divorce does not teach you how to be a better mate. Divorce does not teach you how to choose a better mate. Divorce teaches you that you can survive divorce. So therefore, every subsequent marriage, the divorce rate goes up. Right, Second marriage have a higher
divorce rate than first marriages. Third marriages have an even higher divorce rate. So what you said was right.
You don't know.
How to fight, and this is why you should go to couple's therapy so you can learn the skills. Relationships are far more about skill than luck, and those skills can be learned.
You are not doomed. In fact.
The fact that you're going to couples therapy so early in your relationship six months into it tells me that you've got a good chance of succeeding this time. And also six months is usually around the time where the you know, the the lust and the limerins is starting
to wear off. And now it's a real reality check, right, You're seeing a real human And so this is the time where you're going to see little conflict or flaws, and this is the time to go to therapy and learn how to work it out, especially because down the road you might consider creating a blended family because you both have kids, and in that case, you really want to do it delicately because it's not about two people in this relationship.
It's what five four or five? Yeah, a lot. Thank you. That's a really really good question. Keep it up, go to therapy, all right.
Also, somebody on TikTok asked me, They said, I asked you this last week and you didn't answer it. So I'm going to do it this week for me to list some green flags in a healthy partner. So, therefore, if you're just starting to date somebody, how do you know it's safe to move forward? And I have one rule of thumb, which is simply, well two things. Actually, the two big ones are One is that their actions match their words. There's a lot of people who talk
up a good story. They're wooing you, they're trying hard to win your love, but then they don't actually do what they say they're gonna do. So if they make tiny little promises like I'll let me drive next time, or let me call this person for a business referral for you, or oh, I know how to fix that, you know, gas hose on your dryer, Let me come over.
And do it.
If they actually do all the tiny little promises that they're promising during the courtship, this is a good sign, right.
And the second thing is.
That they respect your voice, that you feel understood, that you feel heard. So if you're dating somebody and you're like, no, I said I didn't eat meat, why did you take me to Hamburger place?
Right?
No, but you'll love this. There's a different kind of Hamger. You're gonna love this.
No, no, no, no, they're not listening to you. They're not respecting you. So the big green flags are their action match their words and you feel heard and respected. Those are the big ones, all right. And another listener on Instagram asked me they felt that they are have an avoidant attachment style and.
Could they be healed.
So I corrected them on the word healed, because when you have an avoidant attachment style, it doesn't mean you're sick, it doesn't mean you're ill, doesn't mean you're highly dysfunctional. It means that you have learned early in life to protect yourself from closeness and intimacy because it can feel terrifying. You don't know how to negotiate your way through it, and so you have these avoidant strategies to sort of keep people close but kind of push them away at
the same time. Unfortunately, people start to realize if they have avoidant attachment style that either they're attracted to people with an anxious attachment style and it seems like they're always hurting them it's not your fault, you're not hurting them on purpose, or you're just having trouble having close intimate relationships. People are saying, you don't really tell me anything personal about you, You don't open up right. So again, the answer to this is therapy. I say it all
the time. See a licensed therapist who can teach you good communication skills, teach you to tolerate intimacy. The first person person you're going to practice with is your therapist, being open and honest and vulnerable and being able to tolerate those conversations. And that is how you change your attachment style, not heal change it right, all right? Moving on, This person writes, my boyfriend and I are moving in together.
Doctor Wendy wohoo.
We planned on doing fifty to fifty rent, but now I see that he actually makes more money than me while I work three jobs to afford the fifty percent rent? Is is fair? Are you asking me? Because you're telling me, I'll just tell you it's not fair. Of course, it's not fair. And you guys need to have a conversation about this, you know. Susie Orman says the best way
to split expenses is based on percentage of income. So if one person I'm making up these numbers, if one person makes one hundred thousand dollars a year and the other person makes fifty thousand dollars a year, then somebody should pay two times what the other's paying and rent. You just break it up proportionately, and then as your income changes, you might adjust it along the way. So you've got to be brave bring this up, because no, that is not fair. He's got one job, you got three,
and you're trying to keep up with the Joneses. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, here's a good one, Dear doctor Wendy. I'm dating a man who claims he's divorced from his wife. I love that word claims. He even claims to have dated since they divorced, but that relationship didn't work out. So I found his ex wife's social media and she is flawless.
We'll stop that.
Who cares what she looks like on that side, what's going on the inside. But here's the thing that gets me. She also still has all their family pictures up on social media. Should I be concerned? Yes, this woman hasn't moved on. They're either not actually divorced. When you say family pictures, I assume he's in the pictures too, right, So they're either not actually divorced and he's just lying and he's a cheater, or I'm just saying all the options,
or she is not over it. Maybe they're like legally separated and she's trying to get him back. Because I'm telling you, if they were divorced, she would be putting hot single pictures of herself out there. She would be selling herself in the mating marketplace. So she's got family pictures of her and him and the kids. It's her saying, this is the public image I want to have. So why does she want to have this public image? She either wants to I'm back or they're not divorced. She
hasn't lost him. Who it's a good one. I write me back. I want to know what happens in that one. All right, Dear doctor Wendy. Every time I text this man i'm dating, I text what are you doing? He always responds drinking or about to have a drink? How do I ask if he has a problem? Or should I just note it as a red flag and leave. I don't like it when people just go, well, he must have a problem. I'm just leaving, Like, why don't you explore?
And how do you ask?
You simply say and don't do it in a text. Next time you're talking, say hey, I have a question. Last couple of times I texted to you are about to have a drink?
Do you drink every day? And how much? I'm just curious. There's nothing wrong with asking you have every right to ask.
I've been drinking every day lately, just letting you know, well, no, what happened is Kayla?
Why are you laughing? I just wasn't expecting that.
So I wanted to build a tolerance before the wedding, and now I have a tolerance. So I've been having two glasses or Sundays three glasses of wine every night. So I need what they call a tolerance break.
I had a lot of wine around your I get it. I get it.
We'll take that tolerance break this week. All right, when we come back, where are we going after this? Help me?
Help me, help me. There's so much happenings. Oh.
Three ways that conflict can strengthen your relationship. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. So I am not afraid of conflict, but you know that about me. I mean I stood up to one of the biggest former sexual harassers of all time. I was fearless about. You can go read about it, Google it. You know, I'm not afraid to be strident, to be frank, to be outspoken, and if something bothers me, even in
my most intimate relationships, I have no problem bringing it up. Yeah, everybody's got a couple little tender spots that are a little bit harder to bring up. And I won't disclose what my tiny one is because you know, I'd have to ask Coolio's permission first. But having said that, there are some people who are totally conflict avoidant. They actually think that the best relationships are relationships with no fighting, no conflict at all. The research, however, does not support
that idea. In fact, research shows that long term, happily married or happily together couples have actually frequent border skirmishes, little arguments. They're constantly negotiating their boundaries. It never goes away. And because they have so much gentle conflict, respectful conflict, sometimes playful conflict, they don't have the big, knockdown, drag them out crazy arguments where the neighbors are freaking out because they clear the air all the time. They're doing
it all the time. They're not like bottling stuff inside until it just bursts and them before you know it, you're saying things like and another thing.
And remember that time, and you always do that.
No, Nope, So I want to talk to you if you have been one of those people who's kind of afraid to bring up the tender topics in your relationship. Now I know why you're afraid. You're afraid because will threaten the relationship. You're afraid that you'll make your partner angry. And if you make your partner angry, by the way, you can't make anybody have another feeling. It's important to know people own their own feelings and they've chosen to respond in a certain way, or they've got their own
life experience or perceptions that brings up certain feelings. But it's not that you ever make someone have a feeling, or you don't make someone behave in a certain way. Everybody is responsible for their own behavior, including.
You, your own behavior.
So I know that people who are conflict avoidant are terrified that it will turn into something so big that it will rupture the relationship. But actually there's research to show that actually conflict can strengthen a relationship. There's a new study published in Psychological Science. It found that when couples have heated conversations that involve disagreements, there can be three huge benefits.
All right, you ready write this down, take some notes.
Number one, respectful disagreement can actually build trust. Now, I know this sounds completely counterintuitive, but when you get to the place where you know that you can safely express yourself honestly and be seen for who you really are, you're having free expression, your partners having free expression. And when both people are free to be themselves and not have to put on airs or pretend or appease the other person, when you can just be honest, you increase
the bond between the two of you. Yeah, it can actually strengthen your relationship because you are now in a safe place to be authentic, and that's good for your relationship.
Okay.
The second thing the research found is that respectful disagreements, See I keep saying that we're they're respectful disagreement can actually increase closeness because, believe it or not, when you're arguing respectfully, there's a part of you that's also looking for common ground and what you're going to find with your partner is that you actually do agree on some
aspects of whatever issue it is that you're having conflict about. Right, But unless you're allowed to honestly and openly discuss the whole thing from every single angle, you can't get to the place of increased closeness, all right. And the third thing, the third way that conflict makes your relationship better, is that respectful disagreement can lead to light bulbs going off
in your head new ideas. Okay, so when you're arguing with someone, your primary goal should never be to change their mind.
This is important to understand. If if your only goal is to.
Convince them that you are right and they are wrong, that's not respectful disagreement. Respectful disagreement is when you just say,
here's my perspective, and now I see your perspective. And what happens is if without prejudice, you just listen to the other person's perspective, you might go, huh, I never thought about it that way, and you might actually change your mind just a little bit, not because they're trying to force you to do it, but because you've given enough space to be able to be honest yourself and hear them out. The bottom line is that avoiding these kinds of conversations is dangerous. This is when you have
problems in relationships. This is when those you know you're bearing things and they're sitting on them, and then they do the tiniest little thing one day and all of a sudden you are rapped and you blow up and you don't know what happened. I've actually heard people say I don't know what happened. I just went off and it came out of nowhere. I mean, she did the tiniest thing. Literally it was spilled milk. But it wasn't
about the spilled milk. It was about the weeks and months and years of having to do something you don't want to do, perhaps but trying to appease the other person, or not having a voice and not being honest. That's when you run into problems. So I am going to encourage you, if you are afraid of conflict, to start gingerly and with the little things, and start with this sentence. It's really hard for me to bring this up, So
I really appreciate if you were kind to me. Well, I explained to you what I have a problem with right now. See, just start like that so then they know it's difficult for you to talk about. Then it'll get easier and easier and easier, and you'll be able to you know, like with me and Julio, I'll go get this, I'm a little bugged about that, and he'll go get this. I don't like it when you do that, and we'll go, oh, what can we do different? So
we're both happier because the love doesn't change. The bond doesn't change for us. We're just getting to know each other better and better and better.
All right.
When we come back, have you heard of the red nail theory? You know, scientists have so much time on their hands. They've even studied red fingernails and mate attraction. When we come back, you are listening to The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show and KFI AM six forty Alive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome.
Back to the home stretch of The Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I'm Doctor Wendy Walsh. You know I say this over and over. I just want to remind people in case they've been tuning in. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, but I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory. Because I am just obsessed with the science of love. I read the journals, and yes, there are academic journals about relationships.
One is actually called personal Relationships.
And I love when the new science comes out, and usually it reconfirms it's.
I don't mean it, okay, I'm just going to say it.
It's pretty rare for me to go, ah, never thought about it that way. Wow, that's so new and different. Usually when I read something, I go they spent money on that study, Like I knew that, all right, So let us talk about the latest thing.
The red nail theory. It's actually not the latest.
The term the red nail theory was coined back in two thousand and eight by researchers from Rochester University, and back then they used five different psychological experiments to demonstrate that when women wore the color red on their nails, it increased male attraction. Now, there's been lots of other research since then to keep proving it over and over again. But I want to talk about it from different standpoints, because everything human has a biological piece right inherited in
some way. It has a psychological piece, something that happened in our lifetime, and it has often a social piece, a message from our culture. Every single human behavior has a biopsychosocial piece. So let's start with the biological piece. Evolutionary psychologists would say that this attraction to the color red is actually one primate just mimicking another. There's something called the sexual signaling hypothesis, and it says that females
attract male mates the same way other primates. But here's the thing we have. Homo sapien have concealed ovulation. Concealed ovulation means that men can't tell when a woman's ovulating or not, and women sometimes don't even know themselves. But every other primate has actually a sexual communication system. It's usually I don't know, if you ever read National Geographic in middle school and giggled over the pages, it's usually
swollen volva that's in a vibrant red tone. So evolutionary psychologists would say, well, you know, our penant for red lipstick, red cheeks, and yes, red nails might be an unconscious way to signal fertility. In fact, a recent study done in Japan found that there is a slight correlation between women choosing to wear red lipstick, which days the month, and if they were ovulating or not. In other words, more women who were ovulating tended to choose the red lipstick. Fascinating, huh.
But here's the thing. There are also cultural pieces. So red has been used in our culture to denote highly sexual women or women who break the rules. Think of Scarlet O'Hara, Scarlet is her name, and Gone with the Wind, novels like the Scarlet Letter, Right, remember the movie remember
the model Kelly Broxton and woman in Red. The color red has historically been associated with body, rule breaking, sexual women, and because of this, sometimes it has a negative connotation because there are times in history when women's sexuality and reproduction was controlled by men. Times in history, no, maybe times today, I don't know, think about it. So we have to think that there's also a cultural influence of
why this works. So the big question is, if you're going on a date, should you wear red nail polish, or if you're in your dating app and take your pictures, should you have red nail polish on. Well, my advice, and this is just me, one person with a little bit of life experience and wisdom, is that there is research to show that you do get morse wipe rights if you wear red, so wear red shirt.
That's fine.
The problem with the red nails is unconsciously might signal something highly sexual. Now, ladies, if you're looking for short term fun and a smoldering fire with a hot guy, put on those red nail polish, make them long and beautiful.
Why not.
But if you happen to be looking for a long term, committed relationship, no judgment one way or the other, then you might want to play it the sexual part down just a little bit right. You have to sort of read the room. You have to know what people are looking for. And you know, I hate to go there. But the porn industry has influenced the sexual psychology of so many men. And if you don't believe that porn
has an influence, let me tell you this. Fully, one third of all content on the Internet is pornography and the average age that the American male begins viewing pornography is the age of eleven. So there, now they have been exposed to red nails wrapped around all kinds of appendages for years, and so as a result, they might have.
An idea of what it's about.
Now.
I would never tell a woman wear this, don't wear this. All I'm saying female mating strategy is know your audience, read the room, figure out what you got to do to close whatever deal you're looking for. And if you're looking for a fun romp, go for.
It, ladies, go for it. Why not?
I see people sometimes say that I am old fashioned because I preach human bonding is so good for our health and long term monogamy is so good for our health. Well, that's what the research does support, but that doesn't mean that during the course of one's lifetime you might not have a variety of different kinds of relationships. And that brings the Doctor Wendy Walls Show to a close. It is always my pleasure to be with you every Sunday night from seven to nine pm, and you can always
follow me online. Handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh dot com, Instagram, and TikTok. I'm most often on and I also have a really fun Patreon group.
Wednesday nights at six o'clock.
Come on over you just go to Patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. But I'm always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine and if you miss any part of the show, you just download that iHeartRadio app and you can listen to it anytime during the week. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.