@DrWendyWalsh is offering her Wendy wisdom, PLUS why we feel sexy while drunk.

give credit where credit is due. And finally there's control. Now this is a tricky one because control is annoying. It shows up as micromanaging, bossy behavior, or one partner keeping score, and underneath it all is anxiety. Maybe that partner feels powerless in some area of life. Maybe the relationship is the one space where they try to regain control.

So here's the important part. Instead stead of labeling it as controlling behavior, I want you to try to look a little deeper and ask yourself why are they micromanaging? What are they afraid of losing? Here and often that need for control is a cry for stability, certainty, or fairness, right So at the end of the day, no matter what you're arguing about, I want you to ask yourself and really ask your partner your partner's upset about any small,

silly thing. Instead of criticizing them and saying you're making a mountain out of a mole hill, what's this really about? I want you to say what do you need from me right now? And use that tone of voice, not okay, fine, what do you need? No? No, no, no no, how can I help you right now? Honey? What do you

need right now? This cuts through the noise, It shifts the conversation from blame to vulnerability, and when both partners can finally learn how to spot that there's a need for care, credit, or control, they can stop fighting over the content and start addressing the connection. Remember, the goal of having a healthy relationship isn't to avoid conflict. Okay, conflict is good and it's healthy, and intimacy as good

is to have healthy repair. Right, So after the yelling and the bickering, it's time to say, I love you, I'm sorry, how can I help you? What do you need right So the next time you hear your partner say you always leave your dishes in the sink. I want you to take a deep breath, and I want you to ask yourself. Are they asking me to care? Are they asking me to appreciate them? Or are they asking me to help them control the chaos, the mess in the kitchen? Right, think about care, credit and control.

Write that down, care, credit and control. All right, let's move along. I was reading this article. I can't remember where it was written by doctor Mark Travers, a psychologist who specializes in the research on relationships. He happens to hold degrees from Cornell University and the University of Colorado Boulder. Like I said, there's amazing relationship researchers around the world,

and I love to report on their work. And he'd written an article saying that in all the healthy happy couples he studied that there are five things that couples do healthy happy couples do on the weekends. You ready for it? Five things? Yeah? You can keep scoreing this number one. This is the hard one. I know. They mostly put their phones away, right, A couple who spends a whole lot of time together, but they're always distracted by their texts. This is not good. Or if they're

on emails or social media. This isn't a happy couple, right. It's interesting. I have a social media manager and she called me last week because you need to be on social media more. You need to be responding to people, you need to be put in comments, you need to answer the questions and blah blah blah. And I'm thinking, but I'm happy now. I have a life. Honestly, I care about you guys. I'll get back on social media more. But carving out one on one time without technology is

so important to a happy, healthy relationship. And there's different times couples might do. It might be like during their morning coffee. So I'll tell you my favorite thing we do. So I'm actually on my phone at this time. But when we wake up in the morning, Julio actually needs more sleep than I do, which is rare. So I get up and I make myself my latte. I crawl back in bed, and I read sometimes on my phone, but I like to just touch toes and cuddle with

him and wait for him to slowly wake up. And in a weird way, this is a connection. And when he wakes up, I obviously put my phone down and then we talk and say good morning and all that kind of stuff. So put your phones away on the weekends, all right. The other thing healthy couples do is they engage in parallel play. Now, if your parent you know what that is. Small children don't often engage with each other at the park, but they parallel play. They do

what's fun for them right beside the other. They have company while they're doing what they like to do. So one of the things Julio likes to do on those mornings that he does get up early, is he likes to watch the Formula one races. So, and we were watching horse races the other day. Boy, that jockey with the pink hat. Did you watch that race? I don't even know what it was, but that horse was way at the back and he pushed down almost those other

two almost fell down, and he won the race. Anyway, I sit there doing the things I like to do, whether it's reading, whether it's writing, whether it's you know, just sipping a cup of tea and daydreaming and thinking about my dreams. But I sit with him while he does what he likes. It's parallel play. Right. Sometimes I'll be gardening and he will, like we garden together at our farm, and he'll do the heavy labor. I'll do

the light stuff. We come back together. He may tinker with his car in the garage and I may be gardening just outside the garage. But we're kind of parallel playing together. We know each other are there. It wouldn't be the same doing it alone without the person nearby, but we don't necessarily have to engage. The other thing healthy couples do is they create rituals together. We have silly rituals, like he's down the hall right now. He likes to come to work with me on Sundays. He

brings his computer, he does his work. But we have a ritual of how we drive to work, what time we leave. We stop at Whole Foods, we get a snack, We do this whole thing. It's like our Sunday rituals. Some people go to church, he comes to work with me. So there you go. Create a weekend ritual. Number four couples make a sex schedule. Listen, this is not unromantic. Sex is never spontaneous. When you're in long term committed monogamy, don't expect it to just happen. You must talk about it.

You must put it on the schedule, and the last one is healthy couples laugh on purpose. I'm not. I'm like a curmudgeon old Irish Catholic and he's a like giggily Dominican, and so he manages to make lightness and laughter out of so many things. Right. So, during the week I know you look for things to stress over, but on the weekends, I want you to take those glasses off and focus on what's funny about your life,

what is joyful about your life? All right? When we come back, I am heading to my social media see December, my social media manager. You hear that, And I'm going to start answering some social media questions. If you'd like to send me a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I've got lots of life wisdom. Send me a question a DM on Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh. I will keep your name anonymous and I'll be happy to answer it on air when we

come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

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which is something I never thought he would do. While I can forgive him, I don't really want to sleep with him right now because I don't feel emotionally safe. How can I best describe this to him in a calm way? Well, first of all, I can understand why you don't want to have physical intimacy with him, because what you've lost is trust. And even though you say, well, I can forgive him, but I'm not ready yet, it

means you're still in process. So I think the conversation shouldn't be about here's why I'm not having sex with you, and the conversation should more go like this, you know, what happened between us has caused a breach in our trust, and I don't know how to trust you again. I don't know how long it'll take to be able to trust you. So what can we do to fix this? How can we fix this? How can you earn your trust back? Now? If he tries this get over at

babes nonsense, then you shouldn't be with him. Is a guy who's going to continue to hurt you? Right? If he instead says I know how you feel, Let's take some time, let's build it up again. I'm sorry, and he shows real remorse, then you're on the way to building trust again. But if he's like, I don't know, that's up to you. You have to figure out a way, then, you know what, maybe you shouldn't be with this person. I always say the best predictor of somebody's future behavior

is their past behavior. I know, I know some people say it's not true. Once a cheater, always a cheater, Yeah, but it mostly is. I'm just gonna say that I'm sorry. Mostly is all right. I'm sorry, baby, that happened to you. I hope he gets his straight and you value yourself enough to leave. If he doesn't. All right, move it along, Dear doctor Wendy, I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything, even though we are well beyond the courting phase. He seems to be under the impression that once we're a

long term will be fifty to fifty. I will not. How do we get on the same page? Okay, first of all, is he a multi millionaire? And are you a student? So you can have that attitude. Okay, you're bettering yourself. He has lots of expendable income. But in today's times, Lady Jane, most women are more educated and make more money than most men. So what the conversation you need to have is about income and about a proportionate share of expenses. Right, if you are past the

courting phase, you're in a long term relationship. I don't know where that long term begins in your mind, whether it's six months later, a year later, or whatever, but you need to have the conversation. I make this much, you make that much, You make twice as much as me. I think it's fair for you to pay twice this amount of time. Or I make twice as much as you, so maybe I should be contributing more. That's the conversation,

not this. You see what happens. The problem with so many women is they hate patriarchy because it kept them from getting ahead and making money. But yet when it comes to their social lives, they keep patriarchy very firm in their head. He should pay right, and I'm like, well, should he pay one hundred percent of everything? Now? I think the most important thing is that you have communication. It's not that you need to be on the same page. And it sounds like you're asking me how do I

get him to agree with me? But you need to come to an agreement that's a deeper understanding about psychology of money and also what it means to you in terms of care. When somebody pays one hundred percent, if they pay less, does that mean you feel less cared for? Are there other ways that he can show his care? For instance, I've said this many times. My husband loves to do dishes, my husband loves to do laundry. I say to people, he is worth his weight in gold.

He's a gold mine walking into my house. There you go, all right, Dear doctor Wendy, Oh, it's a sex question. I never orgasm with both with my both my boyfriend both my boyfriends. Wait, you have two and I have so easily with others we've been together. I think she means with my boyfriend. I think the word both was supposed to be there. I never orgasm with my boyfriend, and I have so easily with others. We've been together nine months. Is this a sign we aren't compatible? Well?

I would you know if you were to go see a sex therapist. A sex therapist would probably say something like, you need to have communication about your sexual needs. I also, as a woman, just want to tell you that orgasm takes place in our heads. It doesn't mean it's in our imagination. It means that we have to have an active fantasy life, especially in long term monogamy. So what are you picturing in your head? Is your head working

through it? I don't know there's something that's stalling in you. Anyway. A sex therapist, if you go see one, could probably help you, guys, figure this out, and you could also have a conversation about it and maybe express your needs and what you like. Just say it, Uh okay, Dear doctor Wendy, other of my children says, the only way we could be together and be a family is if I take him off child support? Should I? No, no, no,

I don't know anything else to say. No. So wait, he's saying that if you make sure that he doesn't have to pay child support, he'll live with you, pretend to be your husband and not contribute anything. You're gonna

wait on his kindness and goodness to maybe contribute. No, No, I think what you need to say to him is, how about we work out an agreement, a post nuptial, prenuptial, whatever, a living agreement that says how much you'll contribute to the household, and then I'll take you off child support and sign that with a witness and maybe an attorney. You got sounds like this guy needs to have legally bounding parenthood in order for him to parent. No, no, no,

don't do it. Don't do it? All right? When we come back a question about texting, hmm, I've got some thoughts on that. You are listening to the Dr Andy Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

Is it a man's responsibility, does it matter? Is it all a game? Or is he not interested? This is an excellent question. I have very serious answers to this, and I know you're thinking that she's going to say it doesn't matter. It matters. So at a basic biological level, sperm chases egg, not the reverse. An egg sits there waiting to take applications or answer texts, and at the same time, human beings value what they have to work for.

In your case, the work is in waiting, and while you're waiting, you're liking a more because it's bothering you that he's not texting back or at all. Right, it ops his value in your eyes. So you know how you will lose value by texting first and making it easy. Yes, at the very beginning of relationship, a guy should always text first. And if he doesn't, I'm sorry, baby girl, he is not interested. You've got to move along. Does it matter, Yes, it matters. Is it all a game.

It's a strategy, not a game. Look, you're on this planet because your mother, your grandmother, your great grandmother had great female mating strategies. So you got to have the same strategy. And the strategy is walk away from a dude who's non responsive if he's not texting you. That's all you need to know. You don't need closure, you don't need evidence. Just go away, Just forget them, lock them,

ghost them, godbye, go go go. All right, dear doctor Wendy, do you think traditional marriage and children can be attained in twenty twenty five? Ooh, that is a loaded question. Let's talk about what traditional means. So some people believe that traditional means that one heterosexual man and one heterosexual woman meet in early life in their twenties, perhaps get married, have Maybe it means traditional gender roles where the woman

stays home and cares for the home and children. The man is the financial supporter, and they stay together until two deaths to us part. This is the rarest thing that has ever occurred in human history, even though this mythology is a goal for so many people. So I want us to throw out a notion of traditional and tell you that that's actually a more recent invention in

the history of our species. Evolutionary psychologists would have called us cooperative breeders, meaning that we raised children in a village. We had uncles and aunties and cousins and sisters and brothers and friends helping us raise those kids. There was never huge pressure on one male and one female to sit alone in a house in the suburbs and raise two kids without the support of a village. So already

you've set this relationship up for failure. Secondly, this idea that you're going to stay together till death due a part is crazy because our life expectancies have gotten longer and longer and longer, and even the most monogamous of humans are going to find that they will have two or three long stance of monogamy in their life. Hopefully they can stay together long enough to raise some kids

and then the traditional gender role thing. While it is great for many women to stay home and take care of kids, I hope you have a good prenuptial agreement. I hope you have a good marital contract because there's no job security in that, there's no retirement plan in that. So you've got to figure out a way that after the kids are raised, you're going to be able to survive. Not guaranteed that you're going to divorce, but fifty percent

of you will. Right, marriages are highly, highly fragile. So your question, do you think traditional marriage and kids can be attained in twenty twenty five? Let's throw out the word traditional because it can mean so many different things. There's so many different people. Do I think two young people can make an intellectual commitment to each other after feeling some level of attraction and love and choose to stay in it until those kids are eighteen? Absolutely? Absolutely?

Will this person be your soulmate? Will this person be glued to you until you die? Maybe? But probably not, And that's okay, that's just how life is. So I think what we need to do is analyze what our idea of tradition is, right, Dear doctor Wendy, what are your thoughts on dating outside of your race? What are the biggest barriers? Well, I think race is not really

the question. It is cultural, right, If it's a different religion, if the families have different cultural systems, then it's a great opportunity if you're an open person to learn about their culture. Skin color doesn't matter, right, That totally doesn't matter. It's what customs and values a particular family has, and that's what you want to explore together. You may know that my kids are multiracial and it seems to be mostly a non issue. You can ask them. It's there,

their issue, not mine. But a mom loves her kids like she loves her kids. Right, all right, finally we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy, My partner never says I love you first? Should I be worried? Dudes usually don't. Okay, I'm thinking about it. How often does Julio say I love you first? Probably?

more secure? I'm sorry, this is the way I am. Okay, could we do that? That's all the conversation you have to have. Just get clarity. Okay, you can do this all right? When we come back. Do you think that you are most sexy right before the bar closes? And I'm not talking about how much you've had to drink.

I mean it's the time of night. Can you believe somebody puts some research money into a study on this And there's an answer, a new study called beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, but rarely because of the beer. Can't wait to talk about this when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show and KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

always welcome to follow me on social media. So this quirky study I came across so hysterical. The studies called beauty is in the eye of the beer holder, but rarely because of the beer. Uh huh. What it showed is that bar patrons say that they feel more attractive right before the bar closes, no matter how much they've

had to drink. Okay, So, prior to this, other psychology researchers previously documented something called the closing time effect, a phenomenon where people at bars rate other people as more attractive the closer to closing time. This makes a lot of sense, right. The theory is that as the night goes on, companion options dwindle. People go home they go home with each other, they pair out, and it causes

people to unconsciously get a little fomo. They perceive potential companions as more attractive because there are fewer of them, so they have less p paradox of choice, a little fear of missing out. If I don't find somebody tonight, it might be never. So they don't want to have to go home alone, and so they find far more people attractive when it's close to quitting time, at last call. Right.

So this new study was kind of the opposite. These researchers was done were done on This research was done on people enjoying a night out at a Danish bar in Denmark. I love the Danes. They do these kinds of studies. So over the course of a few nights, they interviewed a total of four hundred and seventy five people in a bar who filled out surveys and they asked them several questions, and some of the questions included things like how much alcohol did you have tonight? How

drunk do you feel? Then they were asked to rate their own attractiveness on a scale from one to seven. Now, these researchers visited the bar in the afternoon, the evening, and again late at night. And it was found people who attended the bar at night rated themselves more attractive than the early evening patrons or the afternoon patrons. In other words, night patrons perceived themselves as more attractive regardless of how much they drank or how drunk they felt. Okay, now,

there also were some sex differences. Surprise surprise the effect if you would think that this should only work for single people. First of all, right, that only single people would be the ones going yeah, I'm pretty hot right near the end. And what they found is that single women definitely felt more attractive than married women, but relationship status did not affect closing time effect among men. That means all men felt sexy at night, married or not

always open for a tryst. I say so. The researchers say this follows right along the lines of sexual strategies theory, which says that men and women embrace different sexual strategies when it comes to short term mating. Evolutionary psychologists believe that women are more motivated to search for invested partners who will care for their offspring. Men are more motivated to attract many potential partners plant that seed, spray it everywhere. Okay,

I want to say something about this study. First of all, there are some things that could have impacted this. They didn't do all three surveys on a different time of the night. They did it at lunch, they did it at happy hour, and they did it at late night for the bargoers. But what about doing it like at eight pm and then ten pm and then one am. They didn't do that, So how can they say it has to do with closing time. It may just have to do that. When you go out at night, you

feel more attractive. And you know why you feel more attractive at night? The light is better. Listen, every woman out there knows this. We all look better after the sun goes down. We're like vampires. Some of us don't come out until the sun cost it down. Right, People look better at night also because they dress up. It's not like if you see the lunchtime crowd, they're in their work garb. Whatever. Of course they're gonna say, now, I don't feel so attractive right now, I'm in work mode.

And maybe even the happy hour people, Oh I just came from work. I don't feel so great right But if you're going out on the town at night. You dress up, you put on your high heels. You dudes look great. You took a shower, you're all shaved, got your edges done. You know, you dress up and the lighting is way better. So of course people are going to feel more attractive to themselves at night. There's also other research to show that night owls, those people that

stay up late, tend to have more narcissistic traits. Oh just saying this is a little bit of a correlation between that night owls and narcissistic traits. WHOA. Anyway, maybe we all do feel cute or as the night goes on, and maybe it doesn't have to do with how much we're drinking. Hey, that brings the Doctor Wendy wallsh show to a close. As I said earlier, if you have missed any part of the show, easyps you just download the iHeartRadio app. You search Doctor Wendy Walsh and you

click on a little button called preset. That means every time you open the app, I come up first. But about I don't know. An hour after the show. I think producer Kayla puts every show on the iHeartRadio app. As a doctor Wendy on demand, so you need to go on there and get an If you missed any part of the show, just go on listen to it. It's always a treat. Also during the week, if you want to follow me on social media and send me any relationship questions as DMS, You're welcome to follow me

at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. I've been looking at Instagram a lot lately and I'm happy to answer your relationships. But I'm always here for you every Sunday on KFI. Thanks for being with me. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.