This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to kf I AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to welcome my now Instagram followers. They're now peeking into our studio with me and I have let the phone number out to one eight hundred and five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four.
Okay.
Producer Kayla, who do we have online? We have Lydia with the question Lydia, Hi, Lydia. It's doctor Wendy.
Hi, Doctor Wendy. So my question is in reference to my grandkids. Uh huh seven my seven year old granddaughter her parents. Her parents allow her to wear makeup and that bothers me a lot. She is so only seven, she's gonna wind makeup since she was six, Okay, and when she's when we go out together, I don't know
her work makeup good. When they come over and visit us, when they go out to the movies and they go out anywhile she's wearing makeup, and I'm talking about heavy makeup, lips stick, a nice shut wow.
Okay, so Lydia, Lydia, I understand how you feel as a grandmother that you're seven year old granddaughter that her parents allow her to wear makeup. Now, I assume who's the kid of yours, the father or the mother?
The father the father?
Have you talked to your son about it?
I have a little bit when I have my granddaughter and I'm gonna go out with her and she's wearing makeup, and he's been there with her. I say, for my son, she cannot wear makeup if I'm taking her out, good And he's like, no, you're right, you're right, you're right.
Good. My aunt takes Okay. So I want you to help convince him to have more power over his wife's opinion because obviously she's the one who's pushing it. And get some data to show that when young girls are sexualized, they're much more likely to become victims of sexual assault. Okay, And so you want to make sure you pull all the data and say I want to protect her. I am so worried that she will be sending the wrong message. She's seven years old. She's wearing full faces of makeup
when she goes out. And you can also create rules in your own house wherever you have authority, like in your own house or when you're out with her, and you can explain to the child, here's why people think you're older. And when they think you're older, they might treat you older and you might not be ready for some of the things they might say or do. So I'm going to protect you and I'm going to keep you safe by washing your face before we go out.
Because you are supposed to be a little girl. So you use the authority that you have, Lydia in the space that you have to help educate the girl, and then you also educate your son, and then that's about all you can do. Thank you so much for calling Lydia. Oh that is heartbreaking. All right, Producer, Kayla, who do we have next? We have Peter with the question.
Peter.
Hi, Peter, it's doctor Wendy.
Oh, Hi, doctor Wendy. Yeah, I'm gonna join your show. And my question is or or you know, I just want to kind of think about situation. So you know, me and my wife are married for about seven years, right, and then recently just the beginning, like like you know, right at the beginning this year, we started having some some problems that issues she started. So it started off she uh quit her job and started a new job. And then when she started that job, you know, things has got against complex.
Why what what caused the relationship problems? Because your wife got a new job. What do you think what changed her?
Well, there's a few things, you know, So like I was dealing with some family problems, so I got like like really really depressed, but you know, I wasn't like lashing out or anything. And then she will start a new job, and then she started reacting to me, m to my depression. You know, I'm kind of like moping around the house. But I wasn't like, you know, being abusive or you know, mean or anything like that. I was just kind of keeping to myself. So she started
reacting to that. And then and then part of it reaction, she was like say things like you need to go see a therapist, but not in a loving label, but like kind of an offensive way.
And then did you realize that it was time for you to take some responsibility for your mental health and see a therapist?
Absolutely? Yeah, yeah, I'm you know, I'm I'm I'm all about that. I see it. It's not a problem.
So Peter, let's let's cut to the chase. What's the question you'd like me to ask answer for you?
Right?
So, so you know that was kind of like the background of it, right, the contact, so so so you know because of that we split up, right and so now yeah, yeah, I actually end up moving at the house. So so what ended up happening was she started, you know, she started working late, and you know, I try to call it, she want to turn her call. She didn't get home till eleven thirty.
So what what's your question? What's your question?
So, so, you know, so now we're in a place where you know, it's spent several months and then things kind of cool down. So we're talking about, you know, working things out, getting a you know, getting a couple of stuff.
Are you asking me, is it possible?
Well, I mean I'm a little bit nervous about it. I just kind of just wanted to see what your response to that whole scenario.
I think that at any point in a couple's relationship, even if they are separated, if as you said, things have calmed down a bit. You you have a possibility of rekindling. And the way you do it is the two of you go to therapy. Even if that therapy turns into closure therapy, it means that nothing is left unsaid. It means that the two of you can talk about what you were really feeling at the time and do
some conscious uncoupling or do some conscious recoupling. But you won't know until you get in a room together with a licensed therapist to try to work that out. And Peter, I commend you for even wanting to do that. I think it's wonderful. Thank you for calling. All right, we have time for one more real quick Who we have? We have Rick with a question?
Rick?
Hi, Rick, very little time. What's your question? Love.
I'm going through a divorce twenty eight years yeah, and so knowing intimacy for the last ten years at all. So I started. I looked on on dating at I found somebody just wondering if that's wrong to start dating Sundry before the final divorce.
H you have my full permission to find pleasure and love. Divorce usually happens emotionally many years before the actual divorce is filed, and while you may have I don't know religious beliefs or legal beliefs about oh, everything's got to be before I date anyone else. If you have not had sex with your wife in ten years as a layperson, you have my full permission to go out there and have a fabulous time. It sounds like you deserve love, Rick,
and good luck to you through this terrible time. I know it's hard, but things are going to get better. On the other side, you will see. Thanks for calling, all right, when we come back, I'm actually going to go to social media because so many people have sent me dms at the same time. You can always go onto my Instagram or TikTok and at Dr Wendy Walsh and send me a DM. If we don't get to answer the question this week, we will use it next week or a week later. But thanks for being here.
When we come back, let's head to social media. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty with Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. I want to head to social media because I know these are tender personal things and I always get really juicy dms. So you are welcome to send me a DM on any of my socials. The handle everywhere is at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, let me
head in there. Here's the first listener question. Hey, doctor Wendy, what does it mean when a guy tells you he's not ready for a relationship, but when he is, he'll come back to you. Is he telling me the truth? Okay, it's amazing that you met a guy that is that self aware. Actually he's basically saying, hey, I think you're great. I'm not ready, and yeah he means it, and yet it's the truth. I mean, you might not be available when his state of readiness happens. Let me explain something
to you. When women meet in their mind the one, even though I promise you there are many ones out there, but the person they regard as being a perfect match for them will do anything to keep that relationship. They will change they will move to a new city, they will change jobs to be near him. They will organize their whole life around this relationship. Because women are very relational. You can argue whether that's culture, whether that's nature. I
don't know. Men, on the other hand, hit a certain state of readiness in their life, and that state of readiness may have to do with their age, the amount of education they've accumulated, where they are in their career, what's happening in their peer group, if their friends are all getting married, And then when they hit their state of readiness. Sorry, ladies, I know you think you're really special,
but they pretty much take whoever's up at bat. Whatever woman happens to be in his life when he hits a state of readiness gets to be the wife. I'm sorry, that's how it works with dudes. It's just very different. So here's a self aware guy who basically says, I'm not at my state of readiness yet. I really really like you wish I was. But hey, if you're single, when I am, I'll reach out. So what should you do?
Don't sit around and wait for him? Please, you might be a little old lady by the time he's a state of rediness. You just don't know, so you should go on with your life. Take it as a compliment. You're a wonderful catch. He just told you you're a wonderful catch, but you went the wrong direction. Dude isn't ready, so don't be hurt. It's a compliment. Move on, lose all hope. Okay, lose all hope, and yes, he is telling you the truth to answer your question. All right.
This listener says, I'm dating a guy whose job requires a lot of business trips. It's hard to build a relationship this way. Is it possible to have a successful relationship when we only see each other once a month? Well, my answer is it on how much contact you're having and the quality of the communication every day in between
those once a month meetings. The research on long distance relationship shows that if you're being actually intimate, if you will, if you're being vulnerable and honest, and your true feelings are coming out and you're connecting throughout the day and you're facetiming at night, then you can grow a relationship
in a long distance way. But if somebody goes into a little compartment a capsule in another city and then dips back in and expects you to just come up to speed, no, you can't build a relationship that way. So it depends how he behaves when he's traveling on business. Is he trying to continue to build the relationship with you? Like years and years ago, I remember going out with this guy and whenever he would travel, he literally never like that. It was as if there were no phones
in New York City. He never called, never texts anything. And then he come back and just pick up where and it drove me crazy. Clearly it didn't go anywhere, didn't go anywhere all right?
Moving on?
Oh, we have a lot of women writing to me today. Dear doctor Wendy, Is it true that a man expresses his love through his money? If he's spending a lot on you, he really cares. I'm dating a guy who buys me anything I want ooo, but he doesn't do anything outside of that, no sweet compliments, doesn't show much care about my personal life. He spends a lot of money on me. Does this money equate to his love? Okay?
Want to remind everybody that we all have a different model for love insides our heads, and love to one person is not the same as love to another person, So there isn't just one version of love. However, if he's being material and not able to be emotional, then it sounds like he can't give you the kind of love that you need. That makes sense with your definition
of love. To tell you a similar story years ago, when I was single, this guy on a third date love bombed me with a Cardier watch and almost feel like that watch was a Harburger. Harbinger is that the right word. It was a warning about what was coming, like I'm going to bring you a lot of pain, but you're gonna hang in there because I started off with something big and he did spend a lot of money on me, and I did hang in there longer
than I should have because nothing else was available. No emotions were available, right, and there was also some criticism and all that kind of stuff. So anyway, if you're not getting what you want and deserve in terms of emotional connection, then even if he thinks spending money on you is showing love, it doesn't feel like love to you.
So you should move along. I mean, ask him first to give him the things you really desire, good communication, vulnerability, his feelings, and if he can't, then you got to let go of those golden handcuffs. I mean, people have stayed in those golden handcuffs for years. I don't know how they do it. That's not me, but it is possible. But it's up to you. Uh Okay, I think we have time for wal Mark. Dear doctor Wendy. I have a new friend. She lies to her boyfriend and cheats
on him a lot. Is this indicative of the type of friends she will be with me? So you are both just friends, platonic girl to girl friends, and you're witnessing that she does not have the same morals you do. So the answer is yeah, that's her morals, that's her compass. If she lies to him, she'll lie to you. She'll lie to anybody. People who feel no remorse about lying in betrayal will do it to anybody to get their
needs met. Sorry, I wouldn't call her friend. She's a friend of me, although I do believe sometimes you better keep your friends close and your enemies closer. I don't know, Just be careful set up some boundaries with this one. All right? When we come back, are you worried about your marriage or your relationship? Will I've got some four serious signs that you're about to divorce. Honestly, you're listening to the Doctor Andndywall showing KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome back to the Doctor Andndywall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. You know, I've said it again. I've say it over and over and over. I just got married. So you know what everyone fears when they get married, that somehow they're going to break up. I mean, we already talked about benefar. It doesn't always have to be forever. I'm reminding you again because I say it over and over that when till Death Do us Part was invented, death was pretty
imminent and marriages aren't necessarily meant to be lifelong. Now, for those of you who write me all the time and say that yours has been and is and was thirty forty years, yay, congratulations. That's so wonderful. But believe it or not, you're not the majority. You're actually the minority. There are some researchers that I quote a lot on this show, doctors John Gottman and Julie Gotman up at the University of Washington, and if you're new to my show,
you're gonna want to listen up. If you've been listening for a long time, you're going to want to review. It's important four signs that you will divorce. And this isn't me like looking into Chris of Ball and just going ooh, I see you might divorce. This is looking at real research. So this dates back to nineteen ninety two. That's when the Gotmins did this ground breaking exploration of
marriages and divorces. And the way they did it is they put couples in a life which you know, it looked like a living room, and they just had them verbally try to solve a problem. They listened to their language. They knew whatever problem they presented to them, they knew would create some degree of conflict, all right, And so
then they had coders. Coders are psychology students who sit on the other side of glass and start writing about what they said, how they said it, what their body language did, were their eye rolls, did they call somebody a name?
Right?
And they gave them all values. That's how you create data. Right. Well, guess what he published his study in the Journal of Family Psychology, and he was actually able he and she were able to predict which couples would eventually divorce. Get this with a staggering ninety four percent accuracy. So they have continued to work with couples. They have continued to
study couples. This original research still stands today, and they call these four things that if they show up during any kind of light conflict, they call it the four horsemen of the apocalypse. Didn't you recognize that metaphor? It's actually something from the New Testament, but that signifies the end of times, right, the four horsemen of the apocalypse that can predict divorce. They are four behaviors that if they're happening in your marriage, even one or two or
three of them, this can show serious trouble. Remember, these researchers were able to look at couples just trying to solve a problem together, and then they followed up with them. They followed these couples for years and they were able to predict with ninety four percent accuracy that they were divorced. Okay, let's talk about the four behaviors. Number one they call criticism.
So criticism is a little different than just complaining about something or giving somebody a critique about a mistake they made. Criticism is a direct attack on your partner's character, and it usually comes along with those sweeping generalizations always and never,
those words that people shouldn't be saying. So let's use the example of let's say one partner goes out after work, doesn't call the other partner to say they're going to ends up staying out a little late forgets to check in, right, So the healthy way to communicate it when the partner comes home is, I got really worried when you didn't tell me that you were going to be home so late. Right, stay it on yourself, keep it on yourself, feelings, feelings,
I got worried. Now, if you were going to use criticism, you would say, you know, you never call me when you're going to be late. You're selfish and you don't care about my feelings.
Right.
One is criticism and one is healthy communication, all right. Number two criticism Number one. Number two defensiveness. So we don't like to feel shame, and nobody likes to feel shame. So to avoid having the shame of saying I'm sorry, you're right, the person being criticized or the one who messed up, plays victim or blames the other partner. So let's use that same example. Somebody stayed out too late, didn't check in. The defensive way is I haven't the sorry.
The defensive way number one where they're playing the victim is I haven't seen my friends in ages. I'm always doing what you want to do? Am I not allowed to have just one night out?
Won't you?
Poor victim never get to go out right? That's the defensive way number one. The other is the defensive way number two. It blames the partner. Hey, you knew I was jamm packed today. You knew I wouldn't have time to call. I mean, why didn't you just make plans to go out yourself right? All of a sudden, it's the person who's worried about the partner who's all to blame here. Criticism Defensiveness number three contempt ooh. Contempt is
the vicious one. It comes either in sarcasm, insults, name calling, or disrespectful body language. So how would it be if it was sarcastic? Oh, like you couldn't pick up the phone to call me to see where I was?
Mm?
Hmm, or insults you knew I was out with friends? Are you really that insecure? Name calling? What are you some kind of tender flower who can't be alone for a minute? Do I need to handle you with kid gloves or disrespectful body language, eye rolling, sneering, just any physical gesture that shows disdain not a good one. This is really vicious. And the fourth, according to the Gotmans, is the worst of all. It's the one that leads
the divorce more than anything. Walling. We like to call it the silent treatment, where the person just ignores what you're saying, changes the subject, walks out of the room, turns on the TV. Guess what if somebody is being dismissed and ignored, they will eventually find somebody who will listen. And that person will be a lover or a lawyer. Just letting you know, all right, enough with the bad news. When we come back, I've got some signs that your
partner is not going anywhere. Let's talk about good, healthy love when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.
You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
He love Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Whew, that last segment was a downer, scary. You know what, I was actually thinking about my new mayor old relationship, new marriage. I mean, we've been together four years, but and I was thinking about do we do any of those things? And I sure hope we don't. I mean, I sure hope that there are times when, even when we're stressed, that we well, for sure, we never give
each other the silent treatment. We're both talkers, but you know, we don't insult each other. We're not critical in a bad way. We try to stay on our own feelings. I'm a little better than that than he is. But he's learning. He's learning. All right, Let's talk about a healthy relationship, a relationship that's not headed for divorce, a relationship where you can just relax and trust me that everything's going to be okay. What are the hallmarks of
that relationship. Well, if your partner shows gratitude, you know, I must say, I make it a point because I took this advice that I heard once upon a time on the radio. I always listening to my own advice you though, and it is just thank your partner for all the little things. Thanks love, oh, thanks for grabbing that, thanks for that, thanks, oh, thank you. I say thank you probably ten times a day at least to him
little things. Thank you for turning out that light, thank you for putting your dish in the dishwasher, thank you water what you want to grow? Right, Show gratitude. If your partner's showing gratitude to you, you're good to go. Also, unlike the stuff we were talking about last segment with the Gotmans, your partner's respectful to you. It doesn't mean you don't get mad. Okay. There's a difference between feeling angry and even yelling and completely blaming criticizing the other person.
You can be angry and say things like I am so frustrated right now, I just can't find that thing, and I thought maybe you lost it and I don't know where it is. I thought's so mad.
That's okay.
People do that, we've all apart sometime. But that's different than saying where the heck did you put my It's you're always losing things, You're always making life hard for me. Different right, blaming the other person, being respectful. Here's how you know your partner's not going anywhere. They're giving you the most tender thing they have, which is their vulnerability.
They're opening up to you, and they trust you, and you know all their secrets, not that you would ever use them as a weapon, because you're trustworthy, but that they have. They're showing emotional intimacy and hopefully you are showing it back. My favorite one, though, is that you and your partner are excited of a future together. You see, even a relationship that's in what we would call the
doldrums of marriage, it's on autopilot. They do their thing, You do their thing, You get together, you eat dinner, you do your vacations, whatever. Even those relationship chips should have moments of anticipation, of planning. The human brain is happiest when it's looking forward, when it's full of hope and optimism and planning a future, even if the future is your next big vacation or the next house you might want to buy someday. You know what our fun
little scrolling exercise is. We may never do it in our life. Did you know you could buy like castles and chateaus in Europe for like what it costs to buy a little teeny tiny bungalow in La Really, And I'll be like, look at this one, honey, ten bedrooms, ten bathrooms, nine hundred thousand dollars. And so we sort of dream and plan about maybe we should just move to Europe, you know. But that's the excitement, the excitement
about thinking of a future together. Another thing I know I mentioned that they trust you, but that you both trust each other, that you're not worried all the time about somebody lying to you or cheating on you. I mean, I know from the deepest part of my soul that my husband would never tell a lie to me, And if he did tell a lie to me, it would be a white lie. It would be about a birthday surprise, it would be some small thing, right, And because we
know each other's thoughts. Two more ways that I believe are signs that your partner is not going anywhere and you should relax. Everything's going to be okay in your relationship. One is they want to spend quality time with you. Quality time, not just we got to get things done.
We got errands. We got this. One of our favorite sayings in my relationship is when things are like when we're doing boring stuff like running errands or the traffic's terrible, we just say, well, it doesn't matter because at least we're together. And then we reach over and hold hands and we laugh because at least we're together. Anything we do is quality time together for the two of us. But we do want to spend time just being together
and being alone. It's still hard with all the young adult kids were trying to get out of the nest. You would not believe the revolving door of boxes and so don't even give me anyway. And finally, I say that the biggest sign that your partner's not going anywhere is they really care about your happiness. They consider your
needs and what makes you happy. I think I knew that Julio and I were in it for the long run when even though he used to tease me that I like to listen to stand up comedy, I like to watch all this comedy specials on Netflix. And one day he just surprised me with tickets to a comedy show, and guess what, he enjoyed it too. But he thought about me and what I like to do my happiness, and actually he's done it a few times now. He's pretty good that way.
Uh.
Oh, I got to think about what brings him happiness. Uh. It's always having to do with cars and coffee on a Sunday morning and me getting up and going to look at some classic cars. That's usually it. I'm always but I got to prepare for my show. I got studies to read, and he's got let's go look at some old cars. That's his favorite thing. It's so simple. Anyway, I wish you deep love, commitment, and above all, trust and security in your relationships, and that brings the Doctor
Wendy Walsh Show to a close. I am always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm. You can also follow me on my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh or join my Patreon group every Wednesday at six o'clock Patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. It is always my pleasure to be here for you. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI Am six forty live everywhere on the
iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app