@DrWendyWalsh is offering her Wendy wisdom (08/18) Hour 2

Producer Kayla is very respectful of everybody because I know this is tender stuff. So if you'd like to send me a DM with a relationship question, you certainly may. The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Waalsh, So Producer Kayla, you're looking at Instagram tonight, right, yes, ma'am? Okay, cool, cool, cool, all right, dear doctor Wendy. I away was diagnosed with herbie simplix to when do I tell people and what

are peoples reacts? Typically, Well, there isn't a typical reaction, first of all, but secondly, it depends what you're looking for in a relationship. If you're looking for a short term, fun sexual relationship, then you're going to need to tell them at the get go, right, because that's a whole point of this relationship. If you're hoping to build something long term. I want to assure you that everybody's got something.

Everybody's got something going on with their health. Honestly, one time, I'm not joking when I tell you this, it's got to be going back a long time ago. I was with somebody who said I want to tell you something about my but I'm not ready to tell you yet. And I'm like, okay, fine, whatever. So we hadn't started a physical relationship. It was going on, weeks were going by, and he was like breaking into a sweat when he'd finally tell me. And then one time he literally said

I lost a toenail. I'm like what, He's like, yeah, I never grew back, Like this is your big health issue. Well, I just didn't want you to see it. If we got naked, I'm like, for real, Oh my goodness. So I would say, wait until you build some emotional intimacy. Don't expect any reaction to be typical. But like everything else,

when you're first assessing a partner. You can find out if somebody is compassionate and understanding and smart enough to understand how they won't get infected if you take the right precautions, et cetera. But take your time build trust first. Okay, uh, Dear doctor Wendy, my girlfriend has friends who loved party and hook up with guys. I trust her, but not her friends. How do I tell her this? Because you know birds of a feather, you know, Yeah, so social

behaviors are highly content ages around social groups. I can see why you might have a concern. Now, the problem is that if you start to put down her friends, that's not gonna look good on you either. Right. So I'm also wondering when you say I trust her but not her friends, is she running around partying with her single girlfriends? Because why she has a relationship, she has a boyfriend. Why does she need to go out there looking for more? Okay, but that's not what you say

to her. Okay. I think what you want to say to her is something about your commitment and your trusting of her. Not I don't want you going out with those girls. I don't think that's safe for us. How about I want you to know that I am in this relationship with you because I love you, care about you. I am I committed to being monogamous. I hope not. I hope I trust that you will be too. And I know that some of your friends are at a

different stage and in a different lifestyle. But I want to know that you and I are on the same page. So not confrontational, not defensive. You're just gonna express your own you know the fact that you're monogamous, and you're gonna trust that she's going to be that way, right, Okay, Dear doctor Wendy, I'm a man. Good. We text every day. Good, He checks in in the morning, at night in person. Though the connection seems dry. Should this be a deal

breaker or does the connection take time to build? Well, let me say why is it dry? Let me ask why is it dry? What are you not doing? Are you opening up emotionally? Are you trying to make it a safe space for him to open up emotionally? Are you expecting him to lead in this area? I think you need to. You need to express your own vulnerability first, and if he's not able to get there, if you're feeling a loss, then you've got to say it. You've got to say. You know, I'm really attracted to you.

It's wonderful when we get together, but I'm not feeling an emotional connection from your end. And I'm wondering what that's about. A text in the morning at night anybody can do. I mean, playboys do that just to keep a bunch of girls online. So it doesn't think that the texts mean nothing, But it's about what's going on in the real world that you should be thinking about. Hey, rowld, do we have time for one more? All right? I haven't been paying attention to the clock. Okay, oh okay,

let me tell you this question. Hey, doctor Wendy. I was friends with this woman for seven years and we're pretty close. She's in a terrible relationship, so they're just friends. So it sounds platonic. She's in a terrible relationship, and I can't listen to her whine about his disrespect anymore. I don't think I can be her friend anymore. Am I selfish for protecting my Oh this is from a woman about a female friend. Got it? Got a two win? Am I selfish for protecting my mental space and turning

my back on her? I want you guys to think about it. Think about what Doctor Wendy would say, because when we come back, I've got a very clear answer for this person. You are listening to the Dr Wendy Waalsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

friends with this other woman for seven years. That're really close, but this other woman's in a terrible romantic relationship and continues to whine about how disrespectful her guy is. She says, I don't think I can be her friend anymore. Am I being selfish for protecting my mental peace and turning my back on her. Now, let us please break this down.

First of all, self preservation is different from selfish. Selfish is deliberately hurting somebody to make them have pain because you want to eject your own pain out of your own body. Self preservation is saying this is not a healthy space for me to be in and it's not good for me. The other thing is you're calling it turning your back on her. I don't want you to think of it as turning your back on her. Now, if he's being violent with her, I will tell you that.

The advice from the National Domestic Violence Hotline is to not abet and in the person, but to basically put boundaries on them, which is, I'm here when you need me. I don't support this relationship. So if you do like the friendship and there are other things you're getting out of it, I would start by simply saying, it's been seven years I've heard you complaining about this guy. I

can't listen to it anymore. I don't support this, and so let's have a truce that when we meet, we talk about everything else, and when you're ready to leave him, tell me if you think the friendship is worth it and worth saving. You can do that, but you can also tell her very clearly I can't if you definitely want to walk away to say it's just too hard for me to be friends with you. I'm so sorry. Watching you suffer and you doing nothing about it is too hard on me, because that alone might be her

wake up call, right. I call it giving somebody the gift of pain. Every once in a while, somebody needs a wake up call if nobody's telling her, Like you know, everyone's just putting up with there, and you don't have to put up a which drama dumping you don't. You can preserve yourself and move along. Move along, all right, dear doctor Wendy. I'm single and I met a man

in an open relationship. Ooh. He was with his woman when I met him, and he was meaning like in public, like you met the two of them together, and he wants us to have a little fun, if you know what I mean, just him and I not her. But she's open to him having sex with other women. I am attracted to him. Should I do it? Should I be worried about anything? Yes, you should be worried about a lot of things. Let's start with did you really meet her in the real world and do you actually

have her permission? Because remember that episode of Mating Matters on Pollyamory or Polly Wantacracker where this woman said, oh, I've met this guy and he's polyamorous and he's married, but he says his wife says it's okay, and he showed me a picture of his family. I'm like, what, this is not permission, This is permission to cheat. Potentially, we don't know. So you need to get real facts right that she's really open to it. Now, the next thing you're saying is should I do it? I don't

know whether you should do it. I don't know what your particular rules are around sexuality. I also don't know if you're a woman who tends to fall in love after sex, because this could get very messy, right, you have to be prepared for that. If now, let's go

with the ifs. If you've got consent from the wife that you're quite or girlfriend or whatever that you're quite clear on, if you're attracted to them, if you're ready to use every kind of precaution, if you know that if you start to catch feelings, you're gonna walk away and you can do all that, then go for it, enjoy yourself. If everything's okay, Who am I to judge? Right? All right? Uh? Dear on the other hand, dear doctor Wendy, what's the best way to end a friends with benefit situation?

I realize that I deserve more? Well that saw you say? You literally say I deserve more. This relationship doesn't work for me. And then you keep your pretty little manicure off your iPhone and not respond to any of his text because he's going to test you to see if you really mean it right, and move on. If it doesn't work for you, move on. Uh. Dear doctor Wendy, Why when I start using men using men as they use us as women? Why does that make me feel

empty inside? I'm taking control, but I feel more lost. This is a great question. I lived this. I used to think that female sexual behavior was behaving like a man. And by the way, all not all men use women. Not all meniproscus just want to say, there's a wide range of male sexual behavior out there too. But the playboy I had met, so I thought, well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I'm going to get out there and I'm going to be free

and I'll have female sexual freedom. And instead I felt empty, and I felt feelings of loss, and I would have sex with people and I didn't even really like them, but I'd still wish they'd call me back. Let me tell you, female sexual freedom is respecting female biology, your particular female biology, which says, which shows that women often bond and fall in love through their bodies through a huge amount of the neurro cocktail, the cocktail of neural hormones,

including oxypocin, that make women fall in love and get attached. Right, it often doesn't feel good to women, And it's okay to say that female sexual freedom is making the choice to wait if that's what you want to do until you have something that's more real and secure. It means access to birth control, it means access to reproductive medicine. It means being able to say no. That is female sexual power, not this idea of behaving like a man. You know, adopting a male model of anything is not

female freedom. It's not female freedom. And yes, there are some women out there who can hook up and not get attached, and you know, bless your hearts, ladies have fun. But most women can't. And I'll be very clear. They act all cool with their girlfriends and say, oh, yeah, I hooked up whatever. But what you don't see is how many are sobbing in a therapist's office the next day. He didn't call me back, right, So respect your bodies.

And it's very crucial, delicate, vulnerable, important, intelligent biology. Okay, I think we have time for one more. Dear doctor Wendy. I connected really well with this woman. I like her, but something in my gut isn't allowing me to move forward. I'm really not sure what it is. She keeps asking me to take the next step. Why am I hesitating? Is my gut trying to tell me something? Yes, I think you know. Psychologists would call our gut the second brain.

There's a reason, and the reason will become clear if you just go slow. It'll be obvious to you eventually. So I don't say dumper, I say just keep your boundaries intact, go slow, and you will see what your gut is. Unless you have this with everybody and you just have fear of commitment or fear of intimacy. But if it is this one person and you're like something saying this isn't right. Well, maybe it isn't right. Wait and see. That's my favorite motto. I tell my kids

that all the time. Just wait and see, Just wait, no rush, don't have to do anything all right. This is always my honor to wait in on your love lives. Moving right along. When we come back, I have found some I call it quirky new human research. I have actually found some very interesting data that we all need to know when we come back. And then I'm going to tell you how I used my own advice to find a secure relationship. And you're listening to the doctor, Wendy.

rabbits hole you go down, Okay, I don't know. However, I go down the rabbits hole of human behavior research. So I thought I would talk a little bit about some of the stuff that I discovered just this morning. Now, the first study that I found has to do with one of the problems I have in my life, which is I have one charger. I know I can go to the store and buy another, but it's okay. Has something to do with the way the plug fits beside

my bed. I have one charger for my iPhone, and then I switch out the cable and have another charger for my Apple Watch. So what I generally do is I go to bed, I get into bed, I plug in my Apple Watch, which charges really fast, by the way, I don't know how long, twenty thirty minutes, whatever it's done. And then during that time I like to put myself

to sleep by reading about war. I look, I have this dark side, okay, I am light and happy and wonderful, and somehow I just go down this rabbit hole in Ukraine and Russia and Israel and on the New York Times. So I'm reading and reading and reading, and then when I start to get sleepy. Yes, it puts me to sleep. It's a la la by okay, don't ask, okay, doctor freud, don't ask. Then, just as I'm falling asleep, I switch out that cable, half asleep, plug in my phone, roll over,

go to sleep. Julio's already asleep at this point. He can't believe that I can look at that little blue light before I go to sleep, and I'll tell you it's bad for you. It's bad for you, and I do it. So here's why this study that I just read is so interesting. Researchers in the of course, Canadian University of Waterloo have developed a smart fabric. Now wait for this, this smart fabric. I guess it's going to

look like Lululemons because they also come from Canada. This smart family fabric can convert body heat into solar energy. Oh and solar energy into electricity, enabling continuous operation and no need for any external power source.

Amazon yet. It's just been invented at the University of Waterloo, so I guess some venture capitalists has to come in and find a way to turn it into business. But very soon we're going to be wearing our batteries fabric that charges everything. Gone will be the cable for my iPhone and my Apple Watch. All right, here's another quirky study that made me feel very happy first fall. There's a story behind it. As usual, I was home alone one night recently. I'm embarrassed to tell you this story.

I was trying to make the perfect spicy margarita, but I had no fire water in the house. And it's that thing they serve you on the bar. I don't know if that's a real thing, but they say do you want firewater? And do you want a lot of it? And I like really spicy margaritas, and I have a selfish reason for liking it. It makes me drink slower, just saying if it's spicy, it's burning my tongue my lips. I take fewer SIPs in more time. That's just my trick.

But I also like the taste. Probably not good for my damaged d esophagus, but okay, we won't go there. So I was home alone and I had no fire water. So I came up with this idea that if I took like dried chilies, you know, like you'd put on your pasta dried chili peppers and put them in like an inch of water and let them soak for a few minutes, and then you said, tea strainer and pour this now orange water into your margrita, you get firewater. So I was trying to figure out exactly the right

amount to make the right thing. End of the day, I overserved myself drinking alone. It was not a pretty sight. It was not a pretty sleep. I didn't feel good in the morning. Well onto the study that I just read. Did you know if you drink with your friends? Now, alcohol impacts your brain in different ways, you know, depending on how much you've eaten, how much liquid I mean

good liquid water that you've had. However, they found that when you drink with other people, it will make you feel more friendly and more upbeat, but if you drink alone, you're more likely to experience feelings of depression. This out of the University of Texas, And no, they did not do this study on humans, and they did it on fruit flies. Fairly, fruit fly flies, shoe fly don't bother me anyway. Fruitflies apparently are a lot like us. So what they did is had them breathe in ethanol vapor

and then they measured their speed of flying. But if they were with friends, they flew faster and had more fun. I mean, why not. If you're gonna drink tequila and a spicy margarita, you should be dancing with friends, all right. My other favorite interesting study of the day that I found, go ahead, vent to a friend rant, go on, express yourself now. I want to remind you because I'm sure I've said it on the show before. There's lots of

research to show that venting is wrong. If all you're trying to do is get rid of your terrible feelings and get rid of anger. Right, it's not a catharsisis. It feels good to vent, but the research shows it doesn't decrease anger, and in fact, venting sometimes amplifies anger. So why would I tell you that you should vent

to a friend? Well, a new study that literally came out this Week from the University of California says that people who listened to a friend vent liked and supported that person more than those who were vented about dah da da da. But there was one key to this.

If the person venting doesn't seem really derogative and aggressive toward the other friend, So what they're thinking is that venting could actually be They call it a tool of competition for listeners' affections because it's not recognized that all this is unconscious. Right, But apparently if you're venting, let's call it gossiping about somebody who drives you crazy. But the person listening knows that basically you're a good person. Basically you like most people, and you don't have huge

malice to work this person. You just want to get it off your shoulders. That person listening is gonna like you more. Just saying you'll still be angry. You will still be angry. But what can I say? I love these studies, Love these studies, all right, when we come back, you've waited all the way through the show for this. I promised you it was coming. I want to tell you how I listened to my own advice in order

to find a secure, healthy relationship. Let me tell you what I did to find and keep the love of my life, My sweet Julio. When we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty we Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

to work through the steps. I had to hit all those barriers and figure out how to get around it. And before I tell you the steps that I took, I want to say something deeply from my heart. You know I posted a little bit on social media and not a ton yet because there's so much video and so many pictures that so many people sent me. I haven't had a chance to edit them. And then my sweet friend, celebrity chef Katie Chin said, just send me the assets, girl, I'll edit it. It's relaxing for me.

I'm like, you are to sit and edit videos is relaxing to you? Drives me crazy anyway, So Katie's trying to put one together for me, which really cool. You could check my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh soon. You don't put pressure on a friend who's doing your favor, right, so whenever she gets it to me. But the stuff that I did post, I think the most moving thing for me were the comments from you listeners at KFI.

I was surprised by how many people posted that you have been listening for the full decade that I have been here. I love that so many of you said that you've learned so much from the show. We're not closing or going anywhere, you guys, I'm just saying, and most of all, many of you were absolutely inspired and filled with hope by my story, and for that I thank you, and I'm honored and just happy happy to be here with you guys. All right, So having said that,

what did I do in the past. Okay, let's talk about what obstacle I had in the past that I got over with this relationship. First of all, before I say anything about what I did, I want to give full credit to doctor Zori Zori z aar I head Aat, an amazing psychoanalytic psychotherapist who I have been with on and off for eighteen years. SA I'm giving her a plug on the radio. She's going to be shocked when she gets all these calls. Head ay At. I don't know how to spell it, h da yat, I don't

know anyway. She's like my surrogate mother, my emotional mother, my replacement mother who really helped me learn about my attachment stuff and get stronger and smarter along the way. So therapy is the key. I want to say that. I also want to say that the attachment parenting that I practiced with my kids, keeping them close, breastfeeding them each for three years, it actually heals a parent to

stay close. Whether you're probably not breastfeeding if you're dude, but any parent who keeps their kids close puts their kids first, is also kind of healing themselves. When they separate from their kid and they say, don't worry, Daddy'll be back soon. Daddy always comes back, Daddy loves you. There's another brain listening, and that's your own brain. Right. So parenting helped, therapy helped. But then let's talk about

the steps. So in the past, I wouldn't have noticed somebody who was, you know, in how do I say this nicely? Who really showed that they were attracted to me. If somebody showed early on in a relationship that they thought I was great, I thought to myself, ooh, they're too nice. Ew why are they showing this right? Maybe they're insecure. I had all these reasons to push away good solid love this time, because of all the work I've done in therapy, because of my hard life of

twenty years as a single mother. I was like, you know, I deserve this, Bring it on. Say that again. What did you say you adore me? Come on? Repeat it? And so it's not so much that I chose well well, I did choose well. It is that I was ready to feel love. I'm sure maybe even some people listening walked through my life and did adore me in the past, but I couldn't hear it. I couldn't truly take it in. You have to get to a place where you do the inside job of loving yourself. And now I know

I have flaws. I know there are a million things I could improve on in my life. You don't have to write to me and tell me all the things wrong with me. I'm quite aware of them, thank you very much. But I still like myself. I'm a human being. I'm fragile like anybody, but I still have kind of a backbone. So that was the first thing, being able to stick with somebody who liked me. Okay, next thing is developing intimacy right away. If you I think I've

talked about it on the show. On our very first coffee date, I said, instead of telling each other like how cool we are, why don't we tell each other why we think we're completely undateable. And that was when I told him a few secrets. He told me a big secret. You can go online and look for our wedding proposal and hear all about it. But we started with emotional intimacy. We started with honesty, not game playing.

The other thing I did is when I felt, you know, like so in the past, if I had abandoned anxiety and somebody wasn't calling me back on time, or was disappearing or whatever. I would either play some game like I would disappear further and make them chase me, or I would get angry with them. This time. I remember the first time it happened. This feeling came up in me.

Nothing that he did wrong, but just something that came up in me, which was he was supposed to be in one city and then the next day texted me from a different city, so he had changed cities in the night. And we'd on even seen each other, like

maybe eight weeks or something. But this rattled me because when you have an anxious attachment style, if the object of your attachment, you know, if there's an an idea they might be abandoning you or moving in some way and you didn't know, it can just feel a little rattling. So instead of getting mad, instead of acting like cool whatever, you know, I actually said, hey, can you jump on the phone. We get on the phone, I say I need to tell you something about me. I get really

weird inside. If you like, don't communicate with me about where you're going or what you're doing. It's just a locator thing. Could you just always just shoot me at text if you're getting on a plane somewhere. It would just help me. And he said, sure, no big deal. In fact, why don't I share my location services with you too? I was like, what, someone's not hiding anything.

This is amazing, So I want to say that. I also, you know, in the early stages with before I met him on the dating app, did what I've told people over and over, only match with two people at once, because your brain can't handle a whole bunch of potential mates on one app. Paradox of choice makes you frozen and unable to make a choice, and when you do make a choice, you don't value it that much. So I focused on kind of one at a time, let

it play through, and made clear, analytic decisions. Anyway, I'm grateful it all worked out for me. I am going to continue in the future to tell you not only about how we coorded and how it all came to be, but also how married life is going and now we're dealing with all the new stuff, potentially boredom. He always says to me, do we need novelty in our life? Do we need to I've been listening to this show, this Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I think we need to

go see comedy or do something different. We need novelty, right leasy listens to what I say anyway, It's always my pleasure to be here with you. That does bring the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show to a close. I here every Sunday night on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm. You can also welcome to follow me on my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh. And thank you to all of you for all your graciousness and all your kind words as I transitioned from single woman

to married women. You been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.