@DrWendyWalsh is covering the magic of "talking about nothing"

going to talk about it. Also, if you remember the taxi cab theory from Sex in the City, I'm going to tell you why it's real, it still exists, and how you can use it to find better love. But first, if you're new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But I've written three books on relationships because I am obsessed with the science of love, and I got married after being a single mom for twenty years. I got

married this past summer. Now, my sweet Julio and I have been together four and a half years, but we do a lot of talking about nothing. One of the things I like about the only thing I like about Los Angeles traffic are excellent cell phones with Bluetooth, of course, hand free. Hands free because from the moment I get in my car until the moment I get to my destination, I'm usually talking to somebody. Maybe you do the same

thing too, and sometimes we're talking about nothing. Turns out research says that talking about nothing is one of the best things you can do for any relationship. So here's a couple ways I use it. So. I have a

best friend. She and I often have a morning call when we're going to work and we're both going to different directions on the freeway and we just literally, I mean, I'm trying to think how an hour on the freeway is feel like, what are these gripping topics these headlines, And it's usually something like what new moisturizer someone has found and how to lock the door better, and where the dog needs to go during the day, and what the traffic's looking like. In this way, I mean we're

talking about nothing. We just keep talking about nothing. Also, because I have a new mother in law, I'm getting to know her by my traffic talking about nothing. Sometimes I'll call and we will just chat and chat. And she's a talker, I'm a talker. We're really lucky that way that we're both extroverts. Kayla. Sometimes I think that what we do on KFI is sort of talking about nothing. I mean, we give lots of information, but let's talk

about what talking about thing actually does. It forms a relationship, It builds rapport, and we're building relationships with our listeners. You know the woman who hired me, Robin Bertalucci, the famous Robin Bertolucci, program director at KFI for more than twenty five years. I think she told me one time because I had come from television, and in television, you go, hello, everybody, welcome to our show. And on tonight's show, we've got right.

She's like, oh, no, no, no, no. Radio's intimate. When people watch TV, they might be watching it with a group of people, but when people listen to radio, they're alone, they're in their cars, they're in their office, maybe the back office. All everyone else is out front. They got their radio going. Maybe they're home alone and they're talk radio is keeping them company. Robin said, keep it intimate, keep it real, and talk to one person who's sitting alone. Okay,

if you're a stalker, I'm not talking to you. Okay, sorry, I'm just throwing a little comedy litt levity there somewhere. But if you think about it, you know, we blah blah blah about all kinds of things. Throw in some good information for you, but you feel connected.

amount of time getting to know each other. So the topics could be philosophical about their values, it could be sexy and romantic, it could be humorous, and flirting. It could be we just news of their childhood. Hopefully you're going to learn about somebody's childhood. But after a few years, after the kids are born, the partnership, the scheduling, the busyness of the relationship takes over, and suddenly you're not

talking anymore. You're not talking about nothing, right, So psychologists would say that care free talk creates a feeling of playfulness, silliness, maybe outrageousness. One of the things that Julio and I do is we like to take long walks together. We're also people who are we're just naturally affectionate. So when we're walking, we're holding hands the whole time, so we're

staying connected. Honestly, I've never been with a guy that we need to be touching each other all the time, and we're together, if we're watching TV, our legs are wrapped around each other. I think of every other relationship I had and we were sitting at opposite ends of the sofa. I was with all these avoidant people, and now I'm just with this warm, warm person. But we walk a lot and we're holding hands and there's no rule, like it's not like okay, when we go let's talk

about this. Things come up. They come up based on what we happen to see. Look at that car. I've always wanted to drive that kind of car. Or look at that person, or oh my gosh, I said the other day, look at how the trees are losing their bark like a snake as they're growing wider. And he's like, that's what trees do. I go, yeah, you didn't know that. They don't just get wider and stretch out. They have

to crack and lose their bark. And we were stopping and we were feeling a tree and he's like, I learned something every day from you, right, But it's just it's just talking about nothing. And sometimes well the other day we were walking and we ended up walking like three or four miles. We were just talking about nothing and walking and walking. So I encourage you to do it all right, set a time and place. Maybe it's a walk, Maybe it's just turning off the TV and

sitting around and talking. Maybe it's at the dinner table and talk about anything or everything. No subject is off the table. And don't worry about what you're saying, don't get attached, don't worry about shame. Just let it happen, because this is the constant rapport building that we need all the time in our love lives, not just at the courtship phase. We're always growing and changing, and you're getting news about you know, they're not with you twenty

four hours a day. When they're out of the office, you're going to get news. Just talk about nothing, all right, when we come back. There is something known as the taxi cab theory. I think the phrase was coined back in Sex and the City days. I believe it still exists, and it has to do with when men are ready to commit. I'll explain when I come back. You are listening to the Doctor Andy Wall Show on KFI AM six point forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

just apparently weren't ready. And then a month later you find out they're engaged. Oh wow, that's amazing. When it happens, maybe it was about you, or maybe they did suddenly get ready, just not when you were with them. Look, this theory is sometimes called the taxi cab theory. And if you've ever been a fan of Sex and the City, you've probably heard the character Miranda break it down this way with a right edge. It's fate.

matter if he envisions amazing women in his future. When he hits that state of readiness, he pretty much takes whoever's up at bat. Now, the reason why this theory, which I believe is true, is so important for women to understand is because women are very different about finding a mate and falling in love. First of all, way too many people believe in the one or fate or

a soulmate. And I just want to remind you that if you have good relationship skills, you will be more attractive to more people, and you'll be more attracted to more people. There'll be many ones, many soulmates, because you know how to do it right, you've got those good

relationship skills. So but women, however, whether they believe in the one or the fate or whatever, when they meet someone who they're attracted to, who they envisioned could be a long term relationship, they will reorganize their entire life for him. They will change jobs, change cities, do change clothes, change hair, whatever they want for him. They won't make

him fall in love them. You know what funny thing is the other night, Hulu and I were watching TV and he was you know how guys do with their remote control, going through all the channels really quick, and he goes, oh, here's the Bachelor. I've never seen the Bachelor. And I go, what they've only had like thirty two seasons or something. You've never seen an episode of the Bachelor. And he goes, no, no, no, let me turn it on.

So there's this gorgeous Bachelor and we see a very short scene I guess it's the group date night, and the women are just running and giggling and chasing after him, and Julio goes, what is that? What the Bachelor is a bunch of women running around chasing a man and pretending they're just crazy about him. And I'm like, yeah, get used to it. It's been going on for thirty two seasons. How did you miss this? And He's like, it just seems like so like they're just putting themselves down,

and I just it's so embarrassing for them. I'm ashamed for them, and I'm like, but that's what we all watch cause we want to say have female competition. But in real life, if that's a women do when they meet a guy who they think is their bachelor, they run after him and change anything they have to. Men don't do that. Men don't fall in love that way. They're not running around looking for their wife. They're not.

What they're doing is busy building their own life, so they will be appealing to a woman, and when they hit the right time, they're going to take whatever woman's up at bat. So what are the things that create a state of readiness in a man, Well, when he's younger, it's his education. Right, If he's not finished his education, you're probably not going to get a marriage proposal out of him. It also may mean that he's hit a state of his career where he feels like he's financially able. Now,

remember we're trying to get rid of patriarchy. We know that in a quarter of American households, the woman is the breadwinner. But patriarchy swims around insides our brains, and many men feel that they got to be some form of financial provider. Whether they succeed or not, or whether they have an economic peer in the relationship is another matter. But they still have this ideal that they need to hit some kind of financial level of financial security before

they can think about marriage. Right, So education's won their career, whatever level they're at their career, but a big one is their social world. If they're hanging out with a bunch of bros who are still doing a bunch of Vegas weekends and everybody's single, they are nowhere near their state of readiness. If, however, they've started to go to weddings because their buddies are starting to get married, let me tell you marriage is highly contagious in social circles.

So is divorced. By the way, just letting you know, highly contagious. You can also look for other things that are just about statistical probability that he will be a commitment oriented man. His parents stayed together, right, That's not the most common. But if his parents stayed together, this is what he knows. Right. If he was raised with any kind of religious messaging. It doesn't matter if he's religious now, but if he was raised with you know,

most religions preach family love, marriage right. And also, I believe it or not, the research shows if he has more conservative political beliefs, If he has more conservative political beliefs, he may have this idea of a traditional marriage right. So I would look if I were young and dating and I had a you know, dwindling fertility window because women are eating up their twenties with education and career building.

And if I was a thirty two year old woman and I knew I wanted to be a mother, which is about eighty percent of women, then I wouldn't be running around like a bunch of women on the Bachelor chasing after one alpha male. I would be very clearly

and strategically looking for a man at his state of readiness. Now, before you think that's completely unromantic and going to question like, oh my god, and my husband only marry me, not because I'm the one, because he was at his state of readiness, it doesn't mean love can't be cultivated, that love can't grow. It means you can create hot sex out of all kinds of situations. I'm not saying that

you should settle. I'm saying you should look for a mate who's ready for you instead of wasting your time with a bunch of mates who are far from ready. Oh, and I do want to say, if you're with a long term boyfriend and he hasn't committed and it's been like years, sadly, he's probably not going to commit to you. When he hits his state of readiness, he's going to go Okay, it's time to find a wife. Now I

better get rid of my girlfriend. That happens, Kayla, don't look so shocked, I see producer Kayla let her eyes went wide when I said that, Hey, when we come back, let me weigh in on your love life. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor, not a therapist. But you know, I've had a lot of life experience. I've written a few books on relationships, and

let me weigh in. Send me a DM on my Instagram at d R Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh, and I'm gonna have answer your questions when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI Am six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

called out the wrong name during intimacy. Ooh ooh. Is this worth a conversation or just a natural slip? We're new to dating each other. I think it's worth a conversation. But the kind of conversation is what's important here. If you're accusational, if you feel angry, if you feel insulted, that's not a good conversation. If you can use it in a flirtatious way, with a little slap and tickle, Hey did you say somebody else's name? You cutie, I can't believe you, And giggle about it and have some

fun with it to let her know. That that's what you heard, then that's what you should do. I don't think you should ignore it, though. I mean, if someone did that to me, i'd bring it up. But you know me, I'll say it all all right, Move it along, Dear doctor Wendy. I met a guy in the real world, So they have to say that now in the real world, because you have sum that it all happens online. I met a guy in the real world and we really clicked. He's smart and super handsome. Ehoo. He revealed that he

hasn't used so in seven years. He believes that humans don't really need it. I like everything else about him. Is there a nice way to tell him how gross this is? Okay? So, first of all, there is plenty of research out there to show that the number one thing that gives women the IX causes a feeling of disgust is poor hygiene in a potential mate. You see, women are wired to be very defensive and careful to avoid pathogens, both for themselves and their babies. Right, so

we have a heightened sense of disgust. So you heard this, he hasn't used soap in seven years. So I'm gonna ask you this get more information. And the first question I'm going to ask is is it obvious, like do you smell it? Is there some odor, some pheromones? If so, then you're gonna tell him, Hey, dude, I don't like your pheromone. It's not working for me. Right, just gonna say it now. If now you're gonna ask him he says he believes humans don't really need soap, Let's ask

him what he's afraid of in soap. So maybe there are certain ingredients in soap, and yes, some of them do have some dangerous ingredients. We know that. Then you might suggest that he might try a totally natural soap without all those bad things in them. You might even

buy some as a gift. But maybe he cleans himself really well with hot water, with a sponge, a scrub brush, a rough cloth, a back bristle brush, And maybe he's cleaner than another guy out there who quickly throws on some soap and does a quick rinse and is done. I think you need more information about his hygiene routine. And if you can't smell anything that smells bad, then he's probably a clean person. He's just not using chemicals to get himself clean. There might be other ways. You

just need more information. I need to ask about it. Don't just run away, Dear doctor, Wendy, I feel really sad because I was single for yet another Valentine's Day. How can I be more secure about being single? First of all, you are not alone. There's a lot of pressure when these Hallmark holidays come up to be you committed.

And I want you to understand this that during our long life expectancies, at different times of our life, different ages, we will find ourselves single through breakups, divorce, sadly the death of a spouse, and there should be nothing shameful about it. In fact, it's estimated that fifty percent of adults are unmarried in America, so you're really not alone with half the population. But something's going on that you and your therapist should talk about, which is this inside

story you're telling yourself that being single is less than now. Yes, there are the messages from our culture that are telling you being in a partnership is important. And let me tell you, I was a single mom for twenty years. I get a boyfriend and I get engaged, and everyone's like, congratulations, Oh my god, congradulate. They're so happy, they're just happy that I have emotional support in my life. Right, it doesn't mean I was less loved when I was single.

So I just want you to ask yourself why you tell yourself this story? What this story? How you're using this story to continue to lower your self esteem? And you and your therapist should do some work around this, because, as my therapist likes to say to me, there's information here. This is fertile ground for exploration. Let's start digging. Okay, when we come back, I have more questions. If you would like to send me a DM on Instagram. Do if I can't get to it this week, we keep

it for future weeks. I will keep your identity anonymous. Send it to at d R Wendy Walsh. I'll have more when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

listen to them. And you can listen to a live when you're in the car. You just use your Bluetooth, right, Just slide it on through. Okay, on to my Instagram answering your direct messages, your relationship questions. If you want to send me one, send it to at doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, Dear doctor Wendy, I love that you proposed to your boyfriend. Should I ask my situationship to officially be my boyfriend?

but you got to do it. Somebody's got to have the conversation. I don't think getting on one knee and saying to a dude, will you be my boyfriend is going to work. I think you need to have the where is this going conversation, the frank conversation. Hey make a communication, Sandwich say something like I am just loving hanging out with you, but I feel like we're growing into something more. How would you define our relationship because

it feels pretty hot to me? And if he says, oh, no, you're just a friend with benefits or I don't know, it's just like we're just having fun and okay, then you know you got your answer and you need to move along. I'm so sorry you're in a situationship. They're so painful where nobody knows have the conversation. You guys all right? Oh, here we go again. Dear doctor Wendy a guy I've been hooking up with and was so sweet and kind. I missed his call and called him

back later in the night. I told him I was out to dinner, and he asked if I was out on a date. I told him we aren't exclusive and this should not be a discussion. Oh. He got really emotional and said, whatever, I can, just leave you alone. I believe he then blocked me. We had talked every day and he said he really likes me and he misses me, and he gave me so much love. How do you go from love to being blocked? Lady Jane,

I have a story for you. One time, when I was I had a roommate, Sylvia and I. We used to have this rule because we were player chicks. That's what we called it back then, player chicks, and our rule was you couldn't date more than five guys at once because then you get the stories mixed up. So one of my five guys, when I wasn't so attentive to him, accused me of playing him. He cried on

the phone. He was heartbroken. I was holding the phone out from my head, looking so confused, like what we never even had a conversation about who we are, what we have? What the heck right? I didn't realize that everybody has feelings, including men. And guess what, this guy that you've been hooking up with, who's being so sweet and kind, is being sweet and kind for a reason. He's building a relationship with you. He cares about you.

And so what happened is you went out to dinner we don't know with who might have been a date, and he wanted to express to you that he really cares about you. So he did it by expressing a little bit of jealousy. He said, were you out on a date? And that was your chance to say, no, I was out with a girlfriend. I'd rather be dating you. But you didn't. You insulted him, You threw it back at him, and you said, we don't need to have

a discussion about this. We're not exclusive. What you said to him is I don't like you enough to have a relationship. And so therefore his little heart was broken and he blocked you, not because he wanted to hurt you, but he had to stop his heart from bleeding. That's what happened. That's what happened. Are you surprised? Wow? I'm sorry, poor guy. Where is he? I want to go give him a hug? She hurt his feelings? Ah, okay, I

think we have time for at least one more. Dear doctor Wendy, I met a guy who has a child. It happens to their parents out there. He sees the child at her mother's house every day. Uh huh. He spends hours hours there, and he says the child is too young to be away from her mother. He has to go there. I am very uncomfortable. She wrote that all in caps. I am very uncomfortable. Should I suggest bringing the kid anywhere else? We've been dating for three months? Okay,

I need more information. How old this kid is. If it's an infant, you know, maybe they need to be with the mom. If it's a toddler, time to get out of the house once in a while and give mom a break. I think you're uncomfortable because you're wondering if this ex girlfriend, ex wife whatever, is actually using the kid as a way to get the guy to

come over. So I think if you've been dating for three months, it's time to very very gently have the conversation, and the way you have the conversation is by talking about your feelings, not all in capital letters with exclamation marks, but literally say verbally, Hey, So you're spending a lot of time over at your ex's place, and I really respect that you have such a good attachment with your child and you're such an attentive father. I think it's wonderful.

But I'm wondering if she's not like letting you take the kid out because she's trying to keep you in and sort of become a team with him in exploring what this could be or mean. I don't think this is about him. I think he's trying to be a good father. That's my gut. My gut says he's trying to be a good father, but there's something going on in this dynamic that he's unable to detach from the mother of his child. Just saying, let's you want more real quick, Dear doctor, Wendy, I had sex with a

man and he ghosted me for two months. Afterwards, he came back, apologizing and saying he was having mental issues. Should I give him another try? No? The best way to predict somebody's future behavior is by looking at their past behavior. If he did it once, he's going to do it again. Oh man, oh man. When we come back, I have an attorney on the line who's going to talk to us about a real estate investment that can

break up relationships. You won't believe what it is. You listened to the Doctor Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.