@DrWendyWalsh is covering the Diddy case, when breaking up is smart to do, and how learned helplessness impacts dating.

Maybe getting a ring, Hugh Jackman's divorce takes a raw turn. Plus, while dating someone who's just like you, may feel right but might not be good for society. Okay, let's get to it. If you've been following the trial this week, Sean Combs, known as Ditty or P Diddy and his many many names, his federal trial in Manhattan. We're now in its third week. The charges are sex, trafficking, racketeering, other related defenses. This week we saw emotional testimony from

a former assistant identified as Mia. She alleged that there were repeated sexual assaults and coercion while she was employed by Combs from two thousand and nine to twenty seventeen, she talked about instances of physical and sexual abuse, including an alleged rape at Comb's LA home. She detailed psychological manipulation, which she said compelled her to post positive messages about

him on social media despite being abused. Now, of course, the defense team jumped all over that, saying, well, look at her social media post. She's saying publicly praising him, and she responded by saying that the posts were results of the psychological abuse. I want to remind everybody who if you don't know me, you don't remember. Back in twenty seventeen, I was named a Time magazine Person of the Year as part of a group of silence breakers in the me Too movement, and I spoke out against

sexual harassment at Fox News. I you know, Fox, and trying to you know, have a public relations campaign. Took slices of emails that I sent to the gentleman in question, where I praised him and thanked him for helping with my career, et cetera, et cetera. This is what victims of sexual harassment do. It's like kissing the ring of the big dog. I don't want him to hurt me. I don't want anything bad to happen. I'll just play nice, right, we say that in times of stress. Now, there is

a big difference between sexual harassment and sexual assault. But let's use now an example of sexual assault. Women will either take flight, fight take flight more often, they'll freeze, or they'll fawn. Fawn is sucking up to and actually being nice to your abuser, hoping that they won't abuse you as much, just saying now. Also this week, the

trel mentioned several celebrities Whitney Houston, Mariah Carey, Mike Myers. Now, these people aren't accused of anything wrong, but just the fact that their names have surfaced mean that there could be some juicy stuff coming up in the future. In the end, the outcome of this trial is really going to depend on how the jury perceives the quality of

these testimonies, what the jury really decides. This trial is expected to continue into July, and you know, P Diddy could go to jail for a very long time, if not life, depending on if whatever this jury decides. All Right, another relationship news, as we will, some people got engaged this week, Hailey Steinfeld and Josh Allen or sorry, They got married in California yesterday. They've been dating since May

of twenty twenty three. They got engaged last November. Demi Levado and Jordan LUTs married last week May twenty fifth in Santa Barbara. Some baby news. I can never say her name, Sayorice ronan cyoricea Sirsha, sirsha. It doesn't spell like that at all, Heather Sir Sia Rowan and check Irishish Irish thing, and I should know that I'm Irish. Are expecting their first child. The couple married privately in Edinburgh last summer. Relationship updates so Brad Pitt and Inez

de Ramolt reportedly are in a strong, stable relationship. Finally, Brad. Yeah, one that's working. This is good. She has is It's said, according to reports, that she brings calm and support to his life post his divorce. And you know, we've still been waiting and waiting and waiting, Travis Kelcey, you are slow in your role. What is up? We want you to get on one knee somewhere and propose to Taylor's right. We thought you would do it at the super Bowl.

We thought you would do it when you kept showing up on stage during her tour, right or international tour. We are just waiting when is it gonna happen. I think it's gonna happen because they've been together like two years now, Kayla. Do you think it's two years that Taylor Swift and Travis Ivens?

Remember the hole. Just this weekend she thanked all her fans for coming to the Era's tour because it was that money she used to buy her master's back. And for those of you who don't know, so many musicians are justifiably I think a little bit upset because many record labels own the actual masters of their work, like

the first version, and they can resell that. You could they could sell to commercials if you wanted to do you know, American airlines jingle with somebody's hit, and then the while the artists might get a few royalties, they don't get to decide where their music ends up or how it's sold. Right, And so when Scooter Braun bought her masters for least amount of money, and she got so mad that she did something unprecedented it was I think seventh albums or something that it was a lot.

She went back into the studio bit by bit by bit and re recorded every single note everything and put out whole albums again called Taylor's version, so that her fans knew that's the one to buy. Don't buy the one the Scooter Braun owns. But now she has been able to actually buy because she has enough money to buy them all back. So and and by the way, buying masters back is not like, oh, well, here's half a million dollars. No, no, Often I can't remember what

she paid. We might want to look it up. But often they're eighty to one hundred million dollars to buy these things back. All right, So Travis, get up on it. Okay, hurry up. Breakups. Three hundred and sixty million, three hundred and sixty million. Yeah, your fast, Heather. Yeah, I love this girl. I love Taylor Swift. She's amazing.

the Crown. They ended their two year relationship. Sidney Sweeney and Jonathan Divino, actress and her finance ended their seven year relationship, citing her busy career as a contributing factor. I know we kind of scoff at that, but the truth is, when you have a kind of career as an actor where you're away for months and months at

a time, the separation can be brutal. I just want to say that, all right, speaking of breakups, when we come back, let us talk about not just I've always talked about how to get over a breakup, but one of the best ways to deal with it. Let's talk about when breaking up is the very smartest thing you can do when it's time to dump somebody. And I'm going to tell you a story about this. When we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy wall

showfi Am We Love Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. It's an app, yes it is. Hey. By the way, if you have not downloaded the Ihart radio app, you really should. And here's what you do. You downloaded. You searched Doctor Wendy Walsh and then there's a little button at the top that says preset. You click on the preset button and then every time you open the app Anything you missed in the show just pops right up.

I say? Oh my gosh, Oh I didn't say the wrong thing. I want to remind everybody there is no such thing as a failed relationship, only a relationship that culminates. Every connection teaches us something about love, about other people, about ourselves. Hopefully we're not going to repeat the same mistakes and we'll just make brand new ones with our next relationship. So I want to preface what I'm about to say with this. If you're thinking about breaking up,

if you're thinking about ending a relationship. You are not broken, and you're not selfish. You might just be growing. I tell young women all the time that finding great love isn't a process of being in love with hope with every guy. It's about eliminating all the wrong ones, and eliminating means saying no at the beginning. Right. There's actually a go that I know right now, who's a friend of mine who's been talking to me about a woman who lives far away and they have this long distance thing.

And he found out that she came to the town he lived in, saw her for two hours, but then stayed the whole rest of the week, and she didn't know it right, or he didn't know what I mean. So he's like, what do I do with her? And I'm like, you dump her. There's a reason for all of that. But he's like, oh, but she's so perfect for me and everything's so great otherwise. Can I just bring it up and see what she says? And I'm like, no, there's a reason you got it, Like the writing's on

the wall at the beginning. Could it be a justifiable reason? I just wanted sometime with myself? Wallows in you're down. Okay, So he did bring it up with her, okay, and you know what she said? What Well, I was actually here with my baby, daddy and my baby and wanted to go to Disneyland and stuff.

to tell us. So when we're ready to make a decision, we go to the people who will confirm our decision, right, Like, that's what I'm surprised he actually called me because he knew I would say dumpar, dumpart. That means he's ready, He's ready. I also want to mention something else, especially for you people like me who are highly empathetic and compassionate and kind and would never want to hurt a soul.

That we often experience something called breakup guilt. Right. We struggled it with this when we're trying to end a relationship, and it's not not because we're unsure of our feelings, is because we can't bear the idea that we actually hurt someone. You know. I hate to put gender on things, but it's more common guys are less likely to break up because they're so afraid of women's anger apparently that

they're more likely to just kind of fade away. They just try to wean you off, which makes the woman insane because she's busy trying to figure out what's going on. What's going on? Just say it, right, Just say it. I talked to a girl today who had gone out on a first date last night, and she told me that she knew she wasn't going to see him again, and so she wrote a nice text saying it was a pleasant pleasure meeting you. I don't think you know romance.

I don't think I didn't have a big connection with you, but you know, hope to run into you sometime in the world, like have a great life kind of thing. I thought that was so classy and so emotionally mature. Then people know where they stand, right, But this whole long slow fade. Right, So I want to say this, if you are somebody who's highly empathetic and very kind, sometimes the most loving thing you can do is let go with kindness and with clarity. Now here's what the

research says about how to properly break up with somebody. Yeah, break up science. It's a real thing. It shows that you have to be direct, honest, and compassionate. There is a widely cited study. Actually it was published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. It found that people do prefer even if they're being broken up, on a clear and respectful breakup conversation, over vague or misleading signals. Okay, ghosting slow fades. Get rid of it. It causes a

lot of emotional damage. So instead, try to imagine that you have to be honest yet kind. So we're not blaming saying well, I'm breaking up with you because you're a bad person. You're not going to do that. You're just going to say I don't think we're a good match. See. The thing is, when you say we're not a good match, let's not blame anybody. And if they try to say, well, why do you think, you know, that's when you say,

I just do those are my feelings. Don't give them information to argue with, right, because they'll go, no, well that's not true because I think, and then they think they're going to try to change to keep you. No, just be firm and kind, don't blame. And also is the other one. You have to allow your partner to have some space with their feelings. If they cry, if they're upset for anything, just sit there, take it. That's

your job. All right. You're a kind, compassionate person, so you're going to sit there through the messy breakup, all right. How do you know that it's time to finally let go? Well, here are a few red flags for you. If you're experiencing something I call chronic unease, you know, like that persistent discomfort, it's probably not in your head. There's something going on. If your relationship is experience a lopsided effort.

Relationships are supposed to be reciprocal. Are you doing all the work, whether it's the emotional work, the communication work, whether you're doing all the planning or whatever. Are you the only one having a relationship here? In the other words, just showing up? That's a problem if you have completely mismatched goals, Right if you want to know that you're going to want to move somewhere for your career, or you're going to want to do this, or you want

kids and they don't like, come on, don't stay. The future is not bright for both of you. It's bright for one of you, but not both of you. And if you're feeling this constant, drained energy, then you're probably ready to break up. Because love should feel expansive. You shouldn't be shrinking yourself to try to fit into the relationship. You should be growing because you've landed on a secure base that's fertile ground for you to be you. I

can honestly say this about my relationship with Julio. It is the first relationship in my entire life where I am allowed a lowed terrible word, where I feel completely safe to be one hundred percent authentic. I mean, sometimes she does laugh at me when I'm being real, but

that's okay because I know he loves me. And it's not that we don't fight or argue, but we know when we do fight or argue that nobody's going anywhere Like it's not a Although he did say, after a little tiff this week, he did say, don't worry, We're not breaking up over this. And I'm like, you had the thought. Like the fact that you said that sentence meant you had the thought. Okay. Research shows that breakups don't usually happen because of one big fight here that Julio.

They happen after long periods of declining satisfaction. In fact, there is one large scale study that identified a typic point and oh, they actually put a number to it, those researchers. There's such nerds. Okay, when satisfaction drops below sixty five percent, people are more likely to initiate a breakup. How often do we say to ourselves you know and feels about sixty eight percent? Now I don't think I'm ready, So there, I guess there is a slow fade that

happens inside ourselves. Bottom line, you're not weak for walking away. You're brave for telling the truth. And relationships do not have to last forever to be meaningful. Sometimes the purpose of the relationship you're in is to bring you to the next version of yourself. So if your gut keeps telling you that something's off, it's okay to listen to your gut. That voice might be guiding you to something better.

And I want to close by saying one thing to all the women out there who are hanging on to, you know, vapors of a guy. He's not the last man on the planet. Okay, don't believe he is for a second. There are lots of other great people waiting to meet you. All right, when we come back the psychological concept of learned helplessness and how this impacts our dating life. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

Mark Thompson? I have known Mark Thompson since he was in diapers. Okay, Mar Jobson and I did a series of television talk shows called he says, She says, guess which one? I was a long time ago. And then we've worked here at iHeart for a long time. He's a super great guy. I've known him for a long time. And uh, producer Kayla said, what you're not gonna, Oh, you're not gonna. We're not just close to anybody's personal information. If you put any questions on TikTok. By the way,

don't you worry. Don't you worry. After this segment, I will be taking your calls and I'll tell you the phone number at the end. All right, let's talk about a concept in psychology called learned helplessness. First of all, let's talk about love, Sweet, sweet, sweet love. It's so innocent. It's so perfect, isn't it. It feels so good. From romance novels to romantic comedies, love is something we all seek, and in those romance novels and comedies, we think it's

a cure all for everything. But in fact, and I've always said this, love is not about finding happiness. Love is about finding the familiar. It's depending on what happened in your childhood, and one of two things could have created learned helplessness. But what ends up happening is you go out into your adult romantic life and you try to find a partner that will help you feel that familiar feeling of love. What could go wrong there depending

on what happened in your childhood. So back in the nineteen sixties, a group of psychologists identified something called learned helplessness. They first identified it in animals, dogs who had been abused and then when they were allowed to be free, never even tried to escape. Later, it was realized that learned helplessness is something that happens to human beings as well. It's not surprising to note that people who suffer from learned helplessness also suffer from depression. So there are two

things that cause learned helplessness. One is childhood trauma and abusive parents, and the other is highly controlling with love and helpful and kind and permissive parents. And the child learns that I don't need to do anything because mom will take care of everything. Jesus the snowplow, Mom, I'm gonna be fine. So it's like two extremes of parenting, right,

Too harsh and too nice can sometimes create learned helplessness. Now, I want to remind everybody that any kind of psychology or mental order or disorder is always a combination of biopsychosocial a little bit of genetic predisposition biology combined with our social world and those relationships. But let's talk about how learned helplessness plays out in our romantic relationships. People

who have learned helplessness attract two kinds of personalities. Now, the first one might seem pretty benign, right, because on the surface, the first kind of partner is just a kind hearted, loving, helpful, compassionate person. Isn't that Doesn't that sound like a match made in heaven? Somebody who's needy and helpless and can't do things on their own, and then they meet this kind person who's just going to

do everything for them. Mm hmm. Yeah. Well, this person actually might have a diagnosable disorder called dependent personality disorder, and they have compulsive caregiving. And what happens after a while is it doesn't feel so comfortable. After a while, they actually start to resent each other.

who craves control, power and domination. They might criticize their partner to erode their self esteem even further. They might gaslight their partner. Remember what gaslight is you tell people how they feel when they know they don't really feel it. They try to change the truth, and they're so untrusting of their own reality and their own feelings that they

just believe they feel confused. Some of these controllers may withhold affection to manipulate, right, And so the partner who has been conditioned to be helpless ends up believe it or not believing that there's nothing better for them, because the controller also always says that you'll never find better out there, as they've eroded their self esteem. So what's

the solution. Well, first of all, whether you have learned helplessness or not, if you're in any kind of romantic relationship where the strongest feeling you have is confusion, you need to see a licensed therapist. This is not love. You should not feel confused if you're trying to like read the tea leaves of your partner or second guess how they might behave because they're not a good communicator.

This is not a healthy relationship and this is not love. Right, if you're feeling confusion, it is something else entirely right. Real love should feel safe. Now, I also want to say there are all these kinds of relationships that feel like love because they're passionate. You know what that passion is. It's often a bunch of neuro hormones of lust that feel like a high followed by low.

create permanent personality change. Because I'm speaking to those of you who may see yourself in the description of learned helplessness, because you are strong and you are capable, and I know you can do this, and if someone is manipulating you, you need to leave them all right when we come back, I am taking your calls. The number is one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Call me with

your relationship questions. You can use a fake name. I will keep your identity a secret. I am happy to weigh in on your love lives. One eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app.

he's women approved. You assume that he must have high self confidence. Do not have to be chasing you that hard. I'm going to ask you to use his behavior as a model for yourself, because the truth is you want to behave that way with other people. You want to have lots of self esteem. You want to be busy and happy and get back to them when you can. And I also want to give one other little bit

of advice. Those other two guys who might be pursuing you might be the nicest guys in the world, and you should give them a chance, because focusing on the one that's less available is only going to cause you heartbreak, only going to cause you heartbreak. All Right, The number is one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. I see Kayles screening a call one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. Feel free to give me a call for now. Let me go to the

DM on Instagram. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, My girlfriend still has old pictures of her ex on her Instagram. She says it's her past and she doesn't delete memories. Should I care? Well, Okay, I got a bunch of questions about this. First of all, some people do use their social media as a photo album that is part of their past. But I think there's ways, there's a technical way to have them not show up on your grid but still be there for your do there is that true?

I think there is right, So all you need to say to her is don't show them publicly.

It feels manipulative. Am I overreacting? No? You are not overreacting. You two need to set a ground rule. It is entirely unhealthy to threaten divorce or a breakup or moving out whenever there's a fight, because what he's really saying is I want this fight to end because I'm really uncomfortable. And the way that I'm going to make it end is I'm going to scare you. So you're going to be too afraid to argue back to me. Right, So that's what that means. And you've got to be able

to say to him, don't scare me with that. That's going to be a ground rule, by the way, you should talk about it when you're not fighting. Just say, we need to have a ground rule that you can't say, you can't threaten to break up or divorce or whatever during a fight. That should be across the board for everybody. Okay. The numbers one, eight hundred and five, two zero, one, five three four produced Kayla. Who do we have now? Yellow Feather? Yellow feather, Yellow Feather? Did your mother name

you that? Did your mother name you that?

know you worry that your ex is lying. To your daughter and trying to pollute her brain against you. All kinds of evil parents exes do this to their kids. I promise you your daughter knows the truth. If all you do is keep in relationship with your daughter and keep telling her how much you love her, and tell her whenever she brings up mom says this, Mom says, just say to her, that's between two adults. Honey, that's not to do with you. You shouldn't have to worry

about those things. You know, I love you. Just say that and then do not talk to this X again. No, don't do it. All right when we come back, I'll continue to take your calls and answer your social media questions. The numbers one eight hundred and five two zero one, five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh.

You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app