This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor Wendy wallsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, Yes, there's all this foundational stuff about psychology psychobabble, if you will, that has been injected into our language, and we've been using it and not even realizing that it's you know, there's some science behind it,
and it makes a lot of sense. But there's also what I call the new psychobabble, stuff that people misuse all the time. They're just throwing around these terms. Some of it is from the science of psychology, and some of it is just you know, stuff from our you know, our colloquialisms, if you will. But I want to go through some of the stuff that I think many people get wrong. Okay, first of all, I want to start to erase the term gas lighting. People need to stop using
the term gas lighting. If you don't know the term. It actually refers to a movie from the nineteen forties where some husband tries to make his wife feel absolutely crazy by challenging all her thoughts and feelings because he's, you know, trying to steal her money or whatever. I can't remember the whole story. But what happens is we are using it anytime somebody just disagrees with us.
You know, it's okay for two people to have different opinions and for them to even debate it in a very animated way, but to say things like, don't gaslight me, don't gaslight me, you're just gaslighting me, okay. Gaslighting is when they literally lie to you and trick you and make you question your own feelings and thoughts. But if they're just disagreeing with you, if they're just you know, debating with you, that's just a normal
misunderstanding in a relationship. So giving somebody a label as a gaslight really isn't fair, you know. On the same lines, here's another one. You guys use a lot. I'm so sick of hearing it out there in the world. Triggered. Don't trigger me. Oh, I can't talk to him
because he triggers me. All right. So what a trigger is in the psychological sense is something that really sets off a super strong emotional reaction and Sadly, it's often related to past trauma or really distressing experiences, and often from our early childhood. I mean, what happens when a real trigger happens is
it's like a mini version of post traumatic stress disorder. You're taken out of the present moment, You're transported back to that moment in the past, and you end up reacting as if you're with that you know, bad person who hurt you the first time around, Right, So, you know, because you don't like what somebody said and you're having a little bit of an emotional
reaction to it, does that mean you're triggered? Also, when people use the word trigger, they're implying that the person is deliberately trying to quote unquote make them feel some way. Nobody can make you feel anyway. You're responsible for your feelings. Your feelings come from you. You've invented your feelings. They might be related to your past you're present, but they're all yours, own them. They are your feelings. Nobody can make you feel a certain
way. Nobody can trigger you. So let's let's get rid of this term. I hate it. You might say something like I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you instead of I didn't mean to trigger you. Really, all right, here's another one I hear all the time. Trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma, trauma. If you go on TikTok and you just hashtag the word trauma, trauma, bonding, trauma, this trauma that you will go down a rabbits hole of a million people using
the term the wrong way. Okay, what is trauma? Real trauma is deeply distressing, disturbing experience that literally overwhelms, overwhelms somebody, makes them unable to cope. It may have involved harm, threat, potential death right, it can create long lasting emotional psychological personality changes. Real trauma. So real trauma includes, you know, childhood sexual abuse, childhood physical abuse, extreme emotional abuse in a child, but using the term trauma bonding is often used
inaccurately. So a true trauma bond is when somebody who has endured extreme trauma as a child and then they meet someone in their adult romantic life who reminds them is familiar to them of maybe the person who hurt them when they were young might have been an abusive parent, right, And so they develop feelings of attraction and arousal around the fact that their model of love from childhood is that love must also come with pain. Right, that would be a true
trauma bond. But if you're just dating somebody who's a bit emotionally avoidant and doesn't return your text on time and it gets you all upset, it's not a trauma bond. A real trauma bond are people that can't separate from each other and they're hurting each other badly. Right, Okay, The internet is also full of my other least favorite overused term, narcissist. Look, a
true narcissistic personality disorder is a full on diagnosis. Yes, it may make up about two percent or some stuff, say four percent of the population. It's where people have a grandiose illusion of themselves. They tend to be pretty good at manipulating others. They might be a little sociopathic, but the underbelly of true narcissism is actually a sense of loathing, deep loathing that they don't want anyone to see the authentic part of themselves, so they learn to behave
in a very charming way to attract people. But you know what, we use the term narcissists sometimes just describe somebody who's assertive or confident, or even demanding, or maybe somebody who's just disliked. I don't know. But they're not all narcissists, and they don't get a narcissistic personality disorder just because they're strong and confident and maybe a little boastful. That's not a true narcissist. A true narcissist can be very manipulative and very very hurtful, and they're not
as common, not as common as you think. All right, And the final overused psychobabbl term in our culture right now is boundaries. Now, I use boundaries a lot because I'm trying to explain what boundaries really are. People have this crazy idea that boundaries are about trying to get somebody else to behave in a certain way. I'm going to put a boundary on you, right,
That is not what a boundary is. A boundary is putting a safe little fence around yourself so that people can't get to you, and if they do, being very clear about your reaction. So a boundary doesn't even have to be expressed to anybody. Let's say you have a friend, and when you're out with this friend, your friend is kind of negative or boastful or puts you down and you don't like the feeling you have when you're with them.
But you notice that when there's a lot of other people around with this friend, that they don't behave that way only when they're alone with you. So a secret boundary you can hold is to protect yourself that you won't go alone with them. So when they call you and say, hey, you want to grab lunch, you can go. No, but I'll see you party next week. Okay, that's a boundary. That's a boundary. Setting a boundary is not about telling somebody if you don't do this, then are
If you do this, then I'll do that. I mean, you have to think about the logical consequence in your head. You have to know what you're going to do in reaction to their behavior. But it's not about manipulation. It's not about trying to get somebody to do something. It's about you changing your reaction to them. There's a big difference there that I want everyone
to understand. All Right, when we come back, I am going to my social media Instagram, TikTok YouTube, wherever producer Kayla's been scrolling through while We've been on the show, and I am going to be taking your calls. Reminder, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist, I'm a professor, but I've written three books on relationships and did a dissertation dissertation I'll get it out, a dissertation on attachment theory. And I
love to weigh in on your love life. So give me an opportunity to do that when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and k I AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I promise you I would be going to my social media for some reason. I mean, I love to take your calls.
It's always great, but you guys sometimes are far more intimate on the social media. So reminder, everybody, My social media is at doctor Wendy Walsh at d R Wendy Walsh, and you can send me a DM. The only other person who reads them is producer Kayla because she screens through them and helps me out and wherever you leave them Instagram TikTok. I don't know how long that's going to be around. And a reminder, I'm not a therapist.
I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships, and i have a lot of life experience that I'm happy to shire with you. Uh okay, So right away, dear doctor Wendy, how do you answer the question what do you bring to the table? I find it offensive and I'm not sure why. Well, I'll tell you why you find it offensive, because now we do know that every relationship is an exchange of care. That
care can take many forms. It can be financial care, it can be emotional care, intellectual care, domestic responsibility care, sexual care, all kinds of care. But the union of two people actually can create so much more in the world than any individual can do alone. And so while somebody should be thinking in the back of their head, huh, I wonder what my date could bring to the table. Here, I wonder how my date could make my life better. And I'm talking about people of all genders, all
sexual orientations here. That is what we're thinking in the back of our head, but you don't say it out loud. What do you bring to the table? Well, your answer, of course, should be, well, what do you bring to the table? Let's start with you. That's what your answer should be. They need to learn to keep that thought to themselves. That's what I say. Okay, moving along, Dear doctor Wendy.
I've been dating this guy for about nine months, and I waited to get physical because the longer you wait, the longer the relationship lasts well, according to research. That's what I wrote in my book The Thirty Day Love Detalks. When it came time for us to have sex, he admitted that he has a rectile dysfunction. He's had it for years. He's only twenty eight, is a recovering alcoholic, and I think that this is how the issue started. I'm very sexual. Sex is a huge part of a relationship for
me. I wish he'd told me sooner. What can I do? Okay, So what I'm hearing here is that you like this guy. You got to the stage, you waited nine months. You built emotional intimacy, so he's able to actually tell you what's going on with his body. And now you're like, well, you should have just told me earlier, because that's a deal breaker for me. Now you you're the one who's being a little superficial. Hey, you waited because you didn't want a guy to use you
for sex, you didn't want him to objectify you. And now you have a real, honest to goodness, authentic person. So the answer is why not say to him, Hey, we're a team, babe. Let's work through this together. Let's find out what you need to do to overcome it. I don't know what kind of treatment he's receiving. There's so much treatment for ED, but generally when it's in a younger man. I remember interviewing this urologist one time who told me that it is often emotional when it's in
a younger man, and it's also a learned behavior. In other words, they have a recteln dysfunction during one occasion, and then that causes anxiety that they might have it again, and that anxiety is the thing that causes it again, so it becomes this cycle. So there is you know, psychotherapy to help people get through it. So anyway, I think if you've invested
nine months in somebody and now they're being honest with you. Why wouldn't you just try to be on the team and help them out, That's what I'd say. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I was at my hookups house. I'm sorry, that's just a funny phrase, my hookups house. I was over o my hookups house. I think what you're saying is there's somebody who I'm having a standalone sexual relationship with, and I went to their house.
By the way, there's no such thing as no strings attach sex. We like to convince ourselves that it isn't, but there's a lot going on emotionally that you're ignoring. Okay, back to you, I was at my hookups house and he assured me that he isn't dealing with anyone else. We got intimate, and then I wanted to get something out of his closet. Why anyway, I found a love letter and he told me he keeps all of his love letters. Aw isn't that sweet? He says he has stuff from
ten years ago. I'm uncomfortable with it all. Is this a good reason to cut him off and our situationship? Okay, first of all, you're not even having a relationship. You're calling him a hookup. You're calling it a situationship, and now you're jealous that he's a romantic and that he holds dear to his heart memories of close relationships. Okay, what is it? Do you want to date him? Do you want to have a real, honest, intimate relationship with him, or do you just want a hookup?
Then? Why do you even care of the lovelairs? I think you care because you like him, That's what I think. And asking him after you just met him to get rid of his memories is not fair. It would be like dating a parent and saying, hey, your kids are grown and gone, don't keep their baby pictures anymore. You don't need them. There are memories, They're part of who we are. Who cares? Everyone should have a shoebox full of love letters? At least they received some. I
think that's sweet. Okay, on to the next one into my dms on Instagram. Dear doctor Wendy, if you saw that your boyfriend of five months had been saving naked pictures of women from Twitter on his phone, would you consider this cheating? Not just looking at the pictures but saving them. He doesn't message any of them, but he as an album in his phone labeled guilty pleasure. I don't like it at all. Okay, you know why you don't like it, because you're a chick. Let me tell you how
male sexual psychology works. It's just looking. Men are so visually wired, and pictures of women are just a guilty pleasure. And I'm sorry he even feels guilty about it. They're just photographs. You know what, when you scroll through YouTube at those cute cat videos. I like to scroll through Instagram. I don't know why, but Instagram's figured out that I like baby goats and my guilty pleasure is just scrolling through baby goats and go like, oh,
he's so cute. Oh they're so cute. Men do the same thing. They might get a little roused, but they just like it. You know. I was in an uber a few weeks ago and my driver was quite elderly, late seventies, early eighties, you know, almost as old
as our president. And he had his phone. His screensaver was a super young hot girl in a bikini, and I just giggled to myself, like, there he is driving around with his phone attached to his dashboard, just swiping at red lights, seeing remembering how life could have been when he was a young man and seeing all these that's all they do. If he's not messaging them, you have nothing to worry about. Okay, I'm going to
continue looking into my dms on social media. If you'd like to send me a message, it is at d R Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. And you are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show.
I'm KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio. You know, there was a time we talked about that iHeartRadio app, like, oh yeah, Like if you don't have a radio, I guess you could just use an app. Now I realize everybody's listening online. They're making cars without AM radio, some of them. I don't know I have one, and so uh it's yeah, it's the thing. So if you have been listening to my show on the app and you're somewhere around the country or the world, it's
wonderful to have you. It really is all right. Back to social media and these questions that you guys are sending to me. Dear doctor Wendy, I was at a private party last night. Ooh, this is gonna be a good story I could tell. Okay, So I was at a private party last night and the bartender asked for my number after some flirty conversation. Who I like that he still hasn't texted me. Should I text first? Or will I appear desperate? I think he's really attractive and he gave me
such a protective, secure hug. You were hugging the bartender? WHOA. I want him to take me up, but as a woman, I don't want to devalue myself. Remember sperm chases egg I've always said that, and I okay, so here's your answer. There's a slim, slim chance he lost your number. You know, it happens in rom coms all the time, and then people are searching for each other. So I think you should do a not flirty one time text as a test to see about his enthusiasm
and energy level. And so the text should say something like, you know, make it connected to you know the night, like hey, I just drank a moheedo. It wasn't as good as the one you made me. That's it. Something that can reminds him of the night, that just says. That's not saying like, hey, cutie, what am I going to hear from you? No? No, no, no no. Just a little compliment and something light. See how quickly he gets back to you, and see if he writes more words than you wrote, and don't write too
many yourself, please. If it takes a forever to get back to you and he's like, oh cool, yeah, we should maybe go out sometime or something, forget it. Don't even respond. If he's like, hey, I totally lost your number. I was thinking of you. Let's go out and he sends it within like an hour of you sending it. Okay, that's good, that's good. That's a green flag. But just use
it as a test. It's not like trying to reel him in and trying to get him to behave It's just testing the water just a little bit. See what happens, and use it as a test. He can fail the test, remember that, all right? Move it on, Dear doctor Wendy. I am a shy and introverted guy. Ooh, I love guys like that. I got the courage to ask this beautiful woman out, and now I need good ideas for a first date. I'm a little socially awkward, and I don't want to scare her off on a first date, all right.
So my first bit of advice, no matter who you are in the world, is instead of trying to pretend you're somebody different, just lead with who you are. It's human, it's vulnerable, it's honest. So it's okay to say on the date, by the way, I'm excited to go out with you, just to let you know. I, in general have a little social anxiety, so this is a big deal for me and they'll
appreciate the authenticity right now. As far as what to do, definitely don't do a movie dark movie theaters where you don't even get to know each other. It's like she's sitting there with a stranger. Not a good idea. Somewhere where you can talk and do things. I mean, if you are socially awkward, maybe you want to do something that's a bit of an activity,
but something you already enjoy and like that you can show her. I don't know whether it's go kart racing, whether it's touring some particular museum or something you're into. But it could just simply be a simple short lunch. Just make it short and sweet at a nice place. Talk about the food, talk about the weather, talk about your work and that's okay too, and just be honest with who you are. People like that. They like
authenticity. Don't try to pretend to be anything different. Lots of women love shy, introverted guys who are a little socially awkward. Trust me, all right, moving on, let me scroll through my dms here. Oh, here's one. Dear doctor, Wendy, how do you take it slow in dating when you're a Type A who likes to be in control and have an insecure attachment style. Wow, that's that's quite a combination. I'm already in therapy, but I feel like I need a little more. Well, I
think you do need more therapy. It sounds like you just said it, You just said the answer, because I think working with your therapist who can better identify, because you know, Type A isn't actually a diagnosis, but maybe your therapist has already told you that you have kind of an insecure or anxious attachment style. Maybe your past history of relationships is that you just hit the gas pedal too fast and you scare people off. So your answer is,
how do you take it slow? You take it slow? Hey, this is what I would do. Okay, I'm just telling you about my life experience when I was really into somebody and my heart was pounding, my lower regions were throbbing, and I had to like just cool it and slow down. I distracted myself. I would find I would call up friends,
work friends, I would call up girlfriends. I would look for things to do on the calendar to keep me busy for me instead of ruminating about this person and whether they were going to call and what they were going to say and what you were going to say back. I know when I do that, I just fall into a rabbit's hole of spinning thoughts. And so what I would do is distract myself. My favorite saying that I developed along the way while I was learning how to self regu late is wait and see.
I'm gonna just wait and see. I'm gonna wait and see what happens. And definitely stay in therapy because your therapist can probably way better advise you than I could uh. Okay, hey, doctor Wendy, I asked a man out that I have a crush on. I made it seem like it was a platonic thing, and it's not a date. And when I was asking him to the park, asking him to the park for a lengthy talk about our similar interests, what can I do while we're out to see if he
wants more than friendship? Okay, well you kind of. I mean, first of all, you know I and it was signed by a woman, so it's not a man asking a man out. Just to be clear here, so it while I don't like that women ask out men, I see what you tried to do here. You tried to make it platonic just to get in his company and then see if he flirts with you. And the answer is you got to see if he flirts with you. There's nothing you can do because you know, I always say that women shouldn't do the asking.
This is heterosexual relationships, by the way, but they should issue the invitation. You know what the invitation is, Ladies. It might just be a hair flip, a wink, a giggle. There's lots of research to show that men know when you're over laughing. At their jokes when their jokes are not that funny. So anyway, issue an invitation, ladies. But now that you've said it's platonic, just go out and see if you can issue an invitation. Hairflips, giggles, all that kind of stuff and see
what happens. And if you get no response, move along, move along. Okay. When we come back. Last week, I was talking about childhood anxiety. When we come back, I have a very special guest who's been working with children and anxiety for a long time, and he's a Stanford professor, so he knows his stuff. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and k I Am six forty We Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty.
Welcome show, I Am six forty Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio Act. Well, I promised you, In fact, I think I promised you last week that I would have an expert, far more expert than me in childhood anxiety. I'd like to welcome doctor Greg Hammer. He's a medical doctor, recently retired. Congratulations, professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, pediatric intensive care physician, pediatric anesthesiologist, and get this mindfulness expert his book Gain Without Pain,
The Happiness Handbook for Healthcare Professionals. Doctor Hammer, welcome. Always a pleasure to have Doctor Wendy. It's wonderful to be with you. I'm glad that you read my board certification and that they do. It does not include psychiatry, so I just want to get that out there. I counselor or
psychiatrists, right, but you are a medical doctor. And the thing about anxiety, and I want to talk about anxiety is that it appears to be epidemic in our culture right now, especially with young people, and it has a physiological manifestation. Anxiety isn't just something in our heads. It can create heart palpitations, it can create stomach problems, it can create headaches. I
mean, you could go through a laundry list of physical stuff. So first of all, my first question is do you think we're having more anxiety amongst young people than we've had in the past. I think we are. We
certainly have unprecedented stressors everywhere. Just turn on the news. There's so many awful things going on, so many innocent people losing their lives, and for teens in particular, they've got all of the political divide and its ramifications, the awful wars that are happening, and and the Middle East and Ukraine. But they also have things like social media bullying and a very distorted sense of self related to social media. They have school shootings. Should I wear bulletproof
vest today? There's a lot of gender issues, of course, you know eco anxiety. Talk about anxiety, is they're going to be an earth suitable for my children and maybe my grandchildren. So these are concerns that I certainly never had growing up. I think that our teenagers and younger children, even
our face with unprecedented sources of anxiety. Certainly, when I was growing up in the sixties and seventies, it was about did you get home on time when the streetcar, when the street lights came on, and was your homework done? And that was pretty much it. We didn't even know, you know, the media wasn't an influence in our lives. I see it even in college freshmen who have spent two years during COVID online and the amount of
social anxiety I notice them experiencing and unable to talk to each other. So let's talk about solutions for parents, teachers, anybody who's working with young people, and let's start with the very small children. It can show up, as you know, bodily stuff, stomach stuff, headaches, maybe just nighttime terrors and fears, monsters under the bed. What can parents do to help their kids? All of us, as parents, Wendy, are well aware
that our kids are watching us very closely. So I think the first thing that we can do as parents is to embrace a practice that is essentially geared toward rewiring our brains, and our kids will pick that up from us. So what do I mean by that our brains are hardwired to be rather negative? We have a negativity bias. There's a lot of science on that, and it just rings true when we think about it. We tend to remember
the negative and forget about the positive. Another way that our brains are hardwired is that we have a very hard time being present, and really happiness lives in the present moment. When you think of all your happiest moments, you weren't really thinking about yesterday or the list of things you had to do when you got home. So this negativity bias and this obsession really with the past
in the future. When you put those together, our obsession with the past, constantly ruminating over things, with our negativity bias, we generate a lot of shame and regret, to leaps, depression, low self esteem, the imposter syndrome. When you apply the negativity bias with our distraction about the future, we tend to catastrophize and generate a lot of fear and anxiety. Oh don't we worry. We worry about the future, We worry about tomorrow,
we worry about next week. But specifically, what can parents do to rewire their brains? Because I know what you're going to tell me that children, small children are sponges and they're just absorbing what's going on with the parents, right, Yeah, So I think the first thing is for the parents to get their act together and so you know, as the kids get older, then we can introduce them into mindfulness based practices themselves. And I think this
is the key. So what I was getting at with the negativity bias and inability to be present, the good news is we have this great quality called neuroplasticity, so we can actually rewire our brains to be more positive and more present, But it takes a plan. Just like physical fitness, sleep hygiene, having a healthy diet, you have to have a program. So first you have to define what the issues are and then you have to have a
plan to attack it. And so for me, that plan is a mindfulness based program for our mental and spiritual health and sleep exercise, nutrition program for
our bodily health. And they're equally important. So, you know, some of my students, I teach health psychology and we meditate in class every week, and some of my students are worried that it's something to do with a religion or something, and I always say, no, no, no. Mindfulness is just about learning to watch your thoughts so you can create a little
separation and just be aware. How would you describe mindfulness, Well, I you know, I'm a big fan of a guy named John Cabotson, who's a PhD scientist who really could be considered the founding father of the Mindfulness Base stress reduction program certainly and mindfulness in general. He defined mindfulness very simply as awareness of the present moment on purpose, non judgmentally. So again, focus
on what's happening right now on purpose. That means to me that we have to have a plan because our brains are wired to be anything other than present. So if we want to be present and be aware of the present moment fully, we have to have a plan. So that's the on purpose and the non judgmental he is. We could talk about judgment and non judgment for hours, but my first book begins with gain as an acronym for gratitude,
acceptance, intention, and non judgment. The non judgment is key, and so the good news that we can actually teach ourselves to drop judgments of others, the world, and eventually ourselves. I love that retraining the brain. We have only a little time left if you're listening. The book is called Gain without Pain, the Happiness Handbook for Healthcare Professionals. My guest is doctor Greg Hammer. What do you say about older kids, adolescents, teenagers,
college students, When do you think they should be learning to meditate? I actually think that kids can learn to meditate, you know, when they're seven, eight, nine years old. Wendy, The Gain program, just as an example of a MINDFULSS meditation practice can be done in three or four minutes. It's just focus on the breaths, deepening it slowing it down and then going through a self guided or a parent guided, if you will, tour
of that for which we're grateful. Acceptance, intention, non judgment, return to the breath, open our eyes, and young kids can learn how to do that quite easily, and doing it with their parents has many benefits individual and for the parents and family unit as well. You know, just having you on the show makes me slow down, my breathing, makes me so focused. It's so how it is. It's not that company and we just need to have a plan, it's not Thank you so much for joining me.
My guest doctor Greg Hammer, a medical doctor, recently retired professor at Stanford University School of Medicine, Pediatric Intensive Care physician. It's always a joy to have you on our show. His book is Gained without Pain, the Happiness Handbook for Healthcare Professionals, and that brings the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show to a close. You know, you can always follow me on my social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh or join my Patreon. Every Wednesday
night, we have a little Patreon zoom room. That's patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. You've been listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on k five A M six forty from seven to nine p m. On Sunday and any time on demand on the iHeartRadio app