You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram listeners watchers if you'd like to. If you're an instagrammer and want to come into the studio at iHeart, just log onto Instagram and the account is doctor Wendy Walsh. All right, So I am taking your calls and just want to remind you this is what I like to
call my drive by makeshift relationship advice. I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships because I'm obsessed with the science of love, and my dissertation is on attachment theory. And I have lots of life experiences and lots of bad relationships in my past, so don't feel bad. This is how we learn. So I'll be taking your calls the numbers one eight hundred five two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three
four. I'll also be going to social media to the DMS okay producer Kayla, who do we have first? Patrick with a question? Patrick? Hi, Patrick, It's doctor Wendy. Doctor Wendy, thank you so much for taking this call. Yes quick, that story here so that you can get the question out. In between twenty twenty twenty one, about ten eleven months, I lost my we were five siblings. We lost our oldest brother to alcoholism, and he's Type one diabetic. Because fiance came home and founded impulses
and I'm breathing, oh and he passed. Next came up my girlfriend of eleven years, who I thought for sure we were going to get married once thing started to get a little better economically for us. She excused me of trying to get with my Facebook friends who I've known since junior highe, elementary school, high school, and different work. I mean trying to have sex with them, get with them? Would that mean? Yeah? She thought
I was trying to do that, and I honestly wasn't. And I said, look, we need to meet to all these people and they would be very happy for us. I wanted to introduce you to them, but she refused, Okay, so you break up. So yeah, we broke up for a year, got back together and she was zer for about three months, and then the same thing during again, and that was it. And I haven't talked to her. Quote. Okay, so what's your question? One? Okay, Then my son, his mom, who is physically and
emotionally abusive to me, shows him all of her custody paperwork. And on the twenty third, it'll be three years since I've talked to him. Oh, how old is he? He's twenty one. He'll be twenty two on April fifteenth. Okay, so he's an adult. You have the ability to forge a relationship with him. I'm sorry one more time. You have the ability to forge a relationship with him. Custody papers mean nothing. Now you're two adults, right. Unfortunately, he's you know, believing in all that.
So my question even though I my best therapy is playing my drone since I have some sound kids. Oh good. But yeah, I've started drinking warm beer, which is not good because I'm talking to about I've talked to the doctor about this, and I thinking now of going and hooking up with a that's a bad term, trying to attach with a group locally here in the valley. So my question, yeah, answer the question now, Patrick, What is the best way that I can address this and get on Okay?
And I would love to speak to your son. But you have a triple loss, all right, as you explain it, You lost your oldest brother to alcoholism, you have great trauma associated with the loss of your son, You've lost your girlfriend of eleven years. You find yourself drinking more So Number one, you already said it. You got to go to AA and do that right away. Also, start by calling your health insurance. You need a therapist because you're not expected to do this alone. Patrick, this
is enormous loss you're experiencing. And the other thing a therapist can help you do is learn the relationship skills to eventually be able to heal the relationship with your son. And I want you to understand your son may never believe you, but you can start over as an adult and create a caring, loving relationship. But you might have to be tolerant of a lot of anger,
a lot of somebody not but mistrust not believing you. And you've got to be the stoic one who's just there with love to be able to tolerate that. So I really think Patrick, that AA is definitely the first step for you. First of all, I'm so happy that you called, and I'm happy that you're catching it early because you didn't say, oh, I've been going on binges and for the last three years I've been drinking a lot. You said, hey, I'm starting to drink a little more beer, right,
and I'm drumming a lot. And so you're feeling it. And this self awareness is really important because then it makes you do the right thing for yourself, to care for yourself, because at this point you need to give your self care. It is your time Patrick to give to yourself. So AA and a good therapist, and I wish you the best. My heart goes out to you. I'm so sorry for this succession of losses you've experienced, but thank you for calling. Okay, producer Kayla, who do we
have next? I have Mike with a question. Mike, H'm Mike. It's doctor Wendy. Yes, thank you. My wife was married twice before her first husband gave her herpes, and so now going forward, when she gets upset with me, she has an outbreak. So she blames me for the outbreak and I tell her that's not my problem. You know, that
was the first husband's problem. I'm sorry she has an issue, but I shouldn't be blamed for anytime she has out How is she blaming you for an outbreak of herpes that she had a pre existing condition before she came to Like, what's her argument? I'm curious. Her argument was that her second husband, she didn't have a breakout, even though he was really a bad customer too. But she blames me. So what what what do you want to have happened here? Well, we're separated right now over this issue. That's
part of it. It's a big part of it. But this is one of the big issues that because she even said I don't have the outbreak anymore since we've been separating. Well, I will just say this, because there's some research to support this that stress can cause more frequent outbreaks of the herpes virus. Okay, so we will say that. But I also want to like pull you off the guilt train here, Mike and her. You know, of our generation, it's something like one in three people who have the
herpes virus. Okay, And I'll tell you, Herpes was this big scare for everybody until you know, aids marched in over the horizon and all of a sudden, herpes, Like who what, who cares? It's nothing? Okay, it's a very small, minor thing, but the fact that she would somehow try to blame you for something that was a pre existing condition in her own life. I will say this that couples who have health problems together
work on it together and they support each other. But I don't know why she chose to attack you, and I think it might be just a sort of a device that she focused on when really there's other stuff. So what do you want to have happened in this relationship, Mike? I want to stay married to you. Mighty oh, you do. So you want to find a way to get Have you been to therapy? We've had that, and but she's starting she's blaming me all of a sudden for any thing that's
been there, and that's hard to take. It's hard to take. So my advice is to stay in couple's therapy, understand that she's angry for whatever reason. It does take two to tango, Okay, there's no way that one person is one hundred percent responsible for the problems in a relationship. But if you can try to tell her, I want to make this work. I want to figure out a way where we can have better communication and we
can support each other in our issues. And I know it's hard when someone is pointing fingers and blaming and blaming and blaming, but this is your moment to be able to say that, and I'm sorry. I wish you guys the best. Mike. I hope you do stay married because you said that in such an open, honest way. You want to save your marriage. Here, thanks for calling. All right, when we come back, the numbers one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. That's one eight
hundred five to two zero one. KFI you are listening to the Wendy Waals's Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand KFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walls Show, and I am taking your calls. One eight hundred and five two zero one five three four Producer Kayla. We have a talkback. How do people do
the recorded talkbacks? They just have to download the iHeartRadio app. I believe there's a button in the top left hand corner that they just pressed to talk back and they could send in a thirty second voice note to any show they'd like to talk to. I love that. That's so cool. Okay, play the one we got. I have a question. Since we're talking about the percentage of men being narcissist, what is the percentage of women? I'm
just curious? Thank you? Well, I actually stand corrected. I know Kayla and I were quickly googling, and I had heard the one percent of men before. Well, a new study in two thousand and eight found that the lifetime narcissistic personality disorder is much more prevalent for men. It is seven percent and about four percent for women. That's much higher than I thought. So seven out of one hundred men may be diagnosable with narcissistic personality disorder and
about four percent of women. Hope that answers it, all? Right, who else do we have? We have Cat with a question. Okay, Hi, Cat, it's doctor Wendy. Hello. Hi, it's doctor Wendy. Hi. What's your question? Yeah? My question is I would just like to know the best way to approach a grown child in terms of talking about their drinking or their addiction. Oh, how old is your child? Twenty six? You must be terrified as a mother, well, and I really am. The best advice I can give you is to not do it
alone. Think about who actually has an in fluence on your child now, because you know they kind of tune out their parents. We've been nagging our kids their whole lives, so they're not really going to listen to us that much. So what you want to do is have collaborators with you, some of their closest friends, maybe other family members, co workers. And that's when you do an intervention. And it must be done in person, not on the phone, not text. You meet them somewhere. You know,
usually public is good because everyone kind of controls themselves in public. You meet for lunch somewhere and you say, we're all worried about you. And do the research ahead of time. For your health insurance or you know, because of the Affordable Care Act, they do have to pay for in patient thirty day treatment. So you could do some research and find the places and say, we really need to get you some help, and we're here to support you and help you. But that's the way do it. Don't don't do
it alone, Okay, do it with a group. I'm so sorry you're going through this cat. What a terrifying thing for a mom. All right, let me head over to social media. There's so many dms on Instagram. Uh, Dear doctor Wendy. Do I tell the wife I've been having an affair unbeknownst to me, I just found out in the most shocking way.
Should I tell his wife? So? I think what this person is saying is they met some great guy on an app, they went out to a few dinner, started having sex, and then all of a sudden they found out he's actually married. This is not uncommon, Okay, So the question is do you need to tell the wife? You know, this is a moral dilemma for you and you alone. There's obviously some feeling of anger and retribution, like you've ruined my life, I'm going to ruin yours now.
I'll tell you when I was a young woman, one hundred percent I found a way to contact a wife because it happened to me twice I did. So. I just feel like this is me and my personal opinion about life is that the truth should prevail. I also think that a lot of wives know, but they don't want to know, and when they're presented with the reality of it. It can be very difficult. They might even turn it onto you. You did this, you, you know, always blaming
the other woman exactly. So be aware that there are going to be repercussions. But you don't have to hold a secret for him if he's done that to you. H Wow, it's a tough one, uh, Dear doctor Wendy. I met this guy on bumble and there he puts his names. But after a couple of days talking to him, he told me he actually had a different name, and he gave me some kind of nonsense to justify it. So we went on a date. Wait, we'll pause right there
as I'm reading this. Okay, so somebody lied about their name. They had one name online and then another name in person, and you went out on a date with him again, I and you weren't. You thought it was a nonsensical reason. That's a problem. Okay. I pressured him about his fake name, and what he told me was that he used to be married and he's waiting till his divorce finalizes. Okay, first of all, you're either married or you're not. You're not used to be married and waiting
for it to finalize? What is that being like? A little pregnant. No, he's married. Okay, he's married. He didn't want to mess up the process. I don't know if I believe it. Is there any way to look up if someone is in the process of divorce. This is the wrong question. The question should be, doctor Wendy, should I ever see this man again? And the answer is no. Relationships that start out
with lies end up with much bigger lies and a lot of pain. I don't care how cute he is. I don't care how much money he is he has. If he's lied about his name and he's married to somebody, promise you he's still married. No, no, no, no, no no, don't go out with him again. Uh. Hi, doctor Wendy, how do you handle dating multiple men at the same time? Well, let me tell you that I'm sorry. Hi, doctor Wendy. How do you handle dating multiple men at the same time without letting it consume you and
take up all your time? I get so overwhelmed and drained by it, so I'd appreciate any tips on handling it. Dump some of them. I mean, why are you dating so many men? Are you trying to water down the milk? You only need one, one good one? Pick the one that you think is best, that's not draining of you, and go
out with them. Look at when I know how you are. When I was young, my roommate and I used to joke that we could never date more than five minute once we weren't sleeping with them all folks, really just one maybe two, And so what we would do. Our joke was we get the stories mixed up after five so we'd be out on a date, we'd be like, oh, how is your sister's wedding? Oh, no, you don't have a sister. Oh oh oh, we get all the
stories mixed up. So it's hard work to date multiple people. It's also more difficult to find a committed relationship when you're dating multiple people because our brain suffers from something called the paradox of choice, which means the more choice our brain has, the less likely we are to make a choice. And if we do make a choice, we don't value it that much because we're always
thinking about the bigger, better deal that got away right. So ask yourself why you're dating multiple men, especially if it's draining on you, and maybe you need to narrow it down to just one. Do you have time for one? Morerow. We don't know, we didn't remember. There's so many questions, so little time. All right, when we come back, Are you in a relationship and you're starting to lose control? Like it's becoming unpredictable, and you're always wondering like, are we in it? Is everything?
Okay? Is this gonna work? Is it not? I am going to explain to you how therapists help you decide whether you have enough control to feel secure in your relationship and what you should do about it. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show and KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand AKFI AM six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor
Wendy wallsh Show. I want to remind you that we are wired to bond, that our mental health and our physical health is always better when we are connected and in relationship with others. Relationships are in exchange of care, and the most important form of care is emotional care. Now, when you first begin a new relationship, I always say this, like a year of living dangerously like you don't know if it's going to be forever or not. And
there is this, especially at the very beginning. This you have to learn to tolerate the unknowing. Right, know that you're lovable, know that everything's going to be okay, whether it's with this person or another person. But you just have to be a little bit stoic. Right. But as you go down the road, you start to grow into a secure bond, and your secure attachment should feel like home. A good relationship is a home for
the heart. Now, for many of us, we had a childhood where we were given a very faulty model for love, and our idea of what is secure feels almost disruptive or erratic. So one of the things about our human brains, first of all, is that we like to predict things. I mean, we even try to predict the weather. We got a weather app, We predict the traffic, we predict We want to know what's going on all the time. When we can't predict what's happening in our own relationship,
we feel unstable, unsteady. It's not our secure base, and we can feel anxious and depressed because of it. So one of the things that psychologists have done is they've devised all kinds of assessments to test something they call the locus of control that one experience is in their marriage or their partnership. So if your marriage has something called a high locus of control, that means you have an ability to predict how your partner is going to respond to certain
situations. Right. So I've been with Julio, for instance, three and a half years. I know pretty much what I'm going to say, how he's going to behave. I mean, I kind of it's predictable. I accept how he is, I love how he is, but I also you know, there's very little that's going to come out of left field. On the other hand, I had relationships in my past that had very insecure attachments.
I mean I was all googoo go, I got in love with them, but I wasn't getting back that consistent feeling of security, Like if I called or left a message, I wouldn't know when they were going to call me back. Right. And you might have heard me tell this story before, But in the first few weeks of meeting Julio, he had business in I can't remember. I feel like it was Miami, and so in my mind because I have like an anxious attachment style. I have this locator.
Okay, he's in Miami, and then he texts me like the next day and he goes, hey, I came back early. I'm in LA. I don't know why this disrupted me, that he would get on a plane, fly to my city back home and not tell me he was coming. And I don't know why it felt disruptive to me. It was like my locator was off and I was like, you you didn't tell me, and he's like, well, it was late. I didn't think I should text you. And then he said, but if that matters to you, I'll
let you know where I'm going when I'm going. And then I was like, how about you just turn on your location services. I never check his location anymore. I don't, but it was during that unpredictable time at the beginning. Now, of course we have lots of predictability, and I have a high locus of control, right, So I'm sure you want to know whether in your relationship you experience a high or a low locus of control. And so what I'm gonna do is I'm going to read you the eight statements.
This is an assessment that psychologists use a lot, and I want you to ask yourself if you agree or disagree with these statements. Okay, here we go. Number one, difficulties with my partner often start with chance remarks. So if you agreed with that statement, you probably have a lower locus of control, right, Like all of a sudden, it comes out of left field, like why did they freak out over that? Right? Here's number two. I find that external circumstances, like day to day events,
have a considerable influence on how my partner and I get along. Oh so he or she has a bad day at the office and they come home and take it off, take it out on you. Right, that's a low locus of control because you can't control that. That's external situations. Right. Here's another one. At times there doesn't seem any way out of a disagreement with my partner. Well, I think everybody in the moment, the heat
of the moment. Even this week when Julu and I had this tiny little tiff, there was a moment where we're like, I don't know how to fix this. I don't know what I'm supposed to say, right, Yeah, But if it happens all the time, you got to ask yourself what is going on? Number four. It's often up to my partner to make an argument end peacefully. Really, it's their responsibility. So if they're happy, then you get to be happy. If they're not happy, then you
don't get to be happy. You have a low locus of control if that is happening. Here's another one. My partner's moods are often mysterious to me. I have little idea of what might set them off. I'm sorry, but my stomach sank when I read that, because I know what it is to be in a relationship where you're walking on eggshells, where you just don't know if they're going to erupt. Very common in domestic violence situations. Number six. I'm often at a loss as to what to say or do when
I'm in a disagreement with my partner. Well, we all have trouble when there's a disagreement, but if if you're imagine like it's going to be over, then you have a low locus of control. Seven repetition Here, I often find my partner's behavior to be unpredictable and eight. Circumstances of one sort of another play a major role in determining whether my relationship functions smoothly. Again, did they have a bad day at the office. You see, you're
supposed to be supporting each other. If someone has a bad day, then they come home and bring their heart there for support. They don't come and take the trauma from the day and inject it into you. Right. So, here's why it's important to go to therapy. If this feels like it's your relationship because you probably have a faulty model for love. You're probably being triggered from some early life stuff and talking it out with a therapist will help
you understand how you can have much more power in your future relationships. Now, people like you. If this sounded like you probably have no idea what a truly healthy relationship needs. And when we come back, I'm going to go through the six things that I believe every single healthy relationship needs. So, if you started dating somebody, or maybe you've been in a relationship for a long time, let's see how many of these six things you guys have
together. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI Am six forty we Live Everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand AFI AM six forty. You have doctor Wendy Walsh with you. You know, we have TV screens on in our studio and our favorite Christmas classic movie Jonesy. You see that? What's up there? My daughter's here? What's up there? Oh? It's elf. See she's twenty. She's so embarrassed right now, she's so cool. I talk to her like she's
two, because they're always little to moms. They're always your little girl. Anyway, Six things every healthy relationship needs. So if you're somebody who has, you know, one of the most common questions I get in the DMS is, so I'm dating this guy or I'm dating this girl and this and this and this and this Is that normal? Or should I stick it out? Or do you think it'll change? Right? Because they can't predict what's happening and they don't have this sense of what you're supposed to have. So
let me start. The very first thing you need to have in any healthy relationship is trust. You have to find someone you can trust. And there are some sneaky people out there, and I know they can be dangerous, and you can be totally blindsided. But if you're able, if you're spending time with somebody, I want you to spend enough time that they earn your
trust. You don't blindly trust somebody. They must earn your trust. Remember, you're eventually going to trust them with your emotions, your eggs and your bloodstream, maybe your children, maybe your finances. Who knows. I mean, look, I'm not sitting here on my pedestal saying I've never made a mistake in my life. I've been the victim of financial abuse from a lover.
I've been the victim of domestic violence. You know. The one thing I'll tell you I did right only because it scared the Bejesus out of me, is once I became a single mother. I saw the statistic one time that said that one of the most dangerous places for children to live in America is at a home with a non biologically related male mommy's boyfriend, husband, step brothers eight times the rate of abuse emotional, physical, or sexual.
So that freaked me out. So I didn't date when the kids were little. I just like, I'm not exposing my kids to anybody. But then, you know, I waited till I had my almost empty ness and then got my Julio, So all good, okay. Trust is the number one thing you need. The second thing you need is attraction. I can't tell you how many times people write to me and say, I met this person on paper, they're perfect. We don't have a lot of sexual energy for
each other, or you know, I'm not really attracted to them. What will it get better? No, it starts out good emotionally, intellectually, physically. Are you attracted to them right? And are they attracted to you? Or is this a one sided thing? You need to have attraction. But I would say as important, maybe more important than attraction, is number three reliability. Do they do what they say they're gonna do? Are they just words or do they actually show up? Do they keep their promises?
I remember dating a guy one once, and he was such a dreamer and not a doer, and he got me all caught up in his fantasies and one time he literally said to me, Wow, you actually do what you say you're gonna do, like it was some spectacular thing. And I'm like, yeah, that's what I do, all right. Fourth, this is a big one. Both of you need to have this willingness to take responsibility. If you're in a really relationship with somebody who can't say the words i'm
sorry, get out of there. If you're in a relationship and you can't say the words i'm sorry, what are you doing? Right? So you just need to every once in a while take one for the team and go, you know what, I'm really sorry. And sometimes you did do I mean, we're all human, right, we make mistakes. But you have to be able to take responsibility. You can't blame the other person. Remember we had that caller earlier and she was saying that he was saying that the
ex wife or separated wife was blaming him for everything. How can you have a healthy relationship you're constantly being blamed somebody. Something's got to give, right. You can't have a one sided blame game, all right. Number five, You have to have shared values. Whether it's your value about honesty like no lying, no secrets, meather, it's your value about health. I mean, it's really hard to live in the same house with somebody who's completely
unhealthy if you're healthy. Health habits are highly contagious within families, right. Maybe it's religious values, maybe it's child rearing values. You got to meet on the same level and share those values. And finally, number six, spoken appreciation expressing gratitude valuing your partner every single day, say something nice to your partner because you know what, it's not about them, it's about you,
reminding your own brain why you're there. You know, yesterday I was doing a little home fixed thing at some property I own, and my sweet Julio is helping me install this part and I was back in the maintenance closet getting the tools, and I became aware of something about the way we interact while we're doing a project together. I said, Honey, do you need this screwdriver? And he said yes, please. We use polite language with
each other. We call each other pet names, We say please and thank you, We thank each other for being kind, and you know what, that's what grows. Relationships are a garden. You have to water what you want to grow. You don't water the weeds. So if you spend most of your life telling your partner what they've done wrong, criticizing them, you're watering the weeds. You need to catch them being good every single day and
tell them that you are grateful for them. So, after the show, which is ending, momentarily, I want you to go seek out your partner or get on the phone or text them and tell them something wonderful about them. Watch it'll grow. It's going to bloom. People are going to want to do more of that good thing if you keep rewarding them with love, affection, gratitude and kindness. Thank you so much for being with me. It's always my pleasure to be here every Sunday from seven to nine pm.
You can also follow me on my social media. The handle everywhere is at doctor Wendy Walsh and as well, I do a Wednesday night Patreon group. That's a great bunch of people, a lot of KFI listeners and others, and that's patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Come on over. I'd love to meet you. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty on demand