This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to k I Am six forty The Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. I gotta share something with you. My sweet producer Kayla came in today with an amazing arugula and goat cheese and pecan walnut salad with a lemon vinaigrette. Blueberries and blueberries, That's what I'm meaning. And a and brazina branzina branzino fish from her other job too Homies. Yeah, what's it called? Two Homies is a restaurant.
They think the best salad in all of that. They make the best food in angels. But I'm glad you're enjoying. This food is so good. And so the music starts and I've got a mouthful of branzino and I'm like, let that song play. She would swallow. Hey, everybody, Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology and I'm obsessed with the science of love. I'm very excited to welcome Tony Sorrentino on the board because he's my man. He's how are you. I'm
doing all right? Yeah, yeah, okay, well, I'm a little hungover today. Oh good, we have something in common. And who's in our newsroom today? I forgot to even ask, Oh, Sandy Wells is there, but not right now because there's this an empty face on my screen. You must be you know he's allowed to go to the coffee room, Katy, I'll do at some point. Yeah, okay, so let me tell you while I'm hung over. So last night I went to my friend,
chef Katie Chin's birthday party, but it wasn't her birthday party. It was a birthday of her husband, Matthew. And during COVID, you know, I want to talk about passions and hobbies that we take up sometimes later in life. Katie's always been a karaoke queen. Like she's the kind of woman who will book a private studio at a karaoke place for lunch time to go and eat her sandwich and practice. Okay, she's really into it before
our karaoke night. So during COVID, a group of their friends who are all in their forties, fifties, sixties, created a band, a rock band with like twelve members, and they practiced you know, quarantine. It was during in people's garages and backyards or whatever. So they had a birthday party where their band performed all night long. I felt bad because I never the host and hostess never left the stage. They were just I mean.
But anyway, I brought a bottle of champagne because I was going to give it to the birthday boy. And then my friend Maria said to me, Matthew doesn't drink, and I'm like, no, wonder he looked so young and does not look like his birthday. I get it, Okay, he doesn't drink, so I'm like, well, we might as well pop it. We're here and he doesn't drink. So and then I asked all the people at my little cocktail table standing around with me by the dance where would
you like Kenny? Would you like Anny? No? No, no. They all had their drinks so they were being all healthy, one head of glucose monitor on. I'm like, okay, well, I poured myself a glass of Chevan, just a little one, and then I started dancing and whenever I get thirsty, I'd go back and a little more. And my boyfriend's a gentleman. I'm sure he was topping off and or not off for me. He doesn't drink either, and that's why they all look so young
and great. Anyway, at the end of the night, I was ringing out that bottle, squeezing it for the last drop, and I'm like, wait a minute, did no one else have any champagne? I think one there's a USC professor. Students, you know what your professors do on weekends. Let me tell you, but there was a USC professor there and I remember giving her quite a big goblet of champagne. So let's say she had one big one, So you had the whole bottle except for one goblet.
Yeah, and I'll tell you I lost a day to day. Like when you're young, you can get up and rebound with no problem. But when you're older, there's your art. Biology just can't. And Tony, you're much much younger than me. You probably went to the gym this morning, and fine, after you're drinking, right, I got home at four o'clock this morning. Well, I have to tell you a story. So you know, when you drink a lot, you fall asleep, but then you
wake up and you're feeling like a bad headache. And I, okay, I have this theory. I make myself suffer I will not take adville. I read somewhere. I don't know if it's true or not. Don't trust me on this. I'm not a medical doctor that if you take adville when you have hangovers, it's bad and you can go to bed and get a bleeding stomach or something. I don't know, some stuff. So I make myself suffer with the headache until I can finally go back to sleep. But
anytime I lie down, the headache would be worse. So I stood up, and I stood up from about three thirty am until five thirty am, doing a little pacing. And I'm looking out at the parking lot in my complex, and I see some interesting things. At four in the morning, Tony, had you lived near me, I could have seen you coming home. There were lots of women doing the walk of shame, young little co eds with their long blondiere and their miniskirts and their high heels alone in the
dark at four in the morning. I don't know. It just seems unsafe, Just seems unsafe, But there's no shame in that. Ladies, you can come home whenever you want. If you're not treating you right, you just leave, okay. And then I saw the dudes creeping out and leaving. I was like, Missus, h what's that? What was that show? We used to watch Missus Kravitz and watch what no I think it was from Three's Company or something. Wasn't there a neighbor who was a nosy neighbor?
Anyway, there I was watching everybody in and out. So that's my one story. The other story I have is that on Friday nights, so I complain. And this is important, you guys hear this. There's a little science behind this. So when you're in a long term relationship, it can get boring. And I always say, add novelty, whether it's date night, whatever, whatever. I read this research once that on Valentine's Day, if you want to have a romantic night, go out with another couple.
The reason being is that everybody puts on their performance personalities for the other people and you're reminded of what you fell in love with. So on Friday, we went out on a double date with a friend who has a new guy. They've only been seeing each other a few months, right, so she got to dress all date like and azimafliflat a sundress. But you know, and then I watched my Julio go into his performance personality, and I remember, I remember why. Oh, I got an email from a listener.
If you're listening, I did read your email. I didn't write back, but it basically they said that they fell in love and they listen to my show regularly. And now when he does something right or something, she calls him her little Julio, her sweet Julio. Is that cute? You're starting a trend? I read. I read the email out loud, Julio, and a big giggle over that he loved it. Yeah, all right. I do want to talk about something that many of you are experiencing along
with me. Not a child that fails to launch, but a child who needs a little extra support to launch. Only forty percent of kids this year are in college, or even community college or trade school or whatever they're enrolled in some kind of sixty percent are trying to figure out who they are, what they want. They're trying different jobs, They're trying to register for different trade or art programs or interesting programs. Right, so I have one of
those. I love her dearly. I'll tell you that the very first job I ever got, I was fourteen years old. And my mother drove me because nobody asked her for ID and ages back then. It was back in the dark ages. And my mother drove me to the Ponderosa Steakhouse in a suburb of Ottawa, Canada, and she told me exactly word for word what to say. Walk in and say, is a manager here. She also prepped me for if they said no, the next question, do you know
when a manager might be in? Do you know if they're accepting applications? May I please have an application? Blah blah blah. She got me all ready to go in. She goes, as soon as they hand to the application, come back out to the car. I will help you fill it out. So then we did that, and then I went in. I met the manager hand in my application. Before you know it, I was trying on uniforms in the back and I came out with my bag with my
Ponderosa cowgirl little uniform. And my mom was thrilled. So, yeah, she was a bit of a snowplow parent. But I was fourteen years old and I've never looked back. I have worked every day almost of my life, every year. Certainly, I've never taken a break since then. So now we have kids who are nineteen twenty two, twenty three, twenty eight still being at home, and what can we do besides nag them and yell at them. So here's my doctor Wendy Tipps for what we all should be
doing. I'm trying it. I'll let you know how it goes. Number one, make a home for your adult child that is a launch pad, not a comfort cave. That means no TV in their bedroom. Don't buy them all the comfortable things they need. Make sure there's a bit like it doesn't have to be a prison room, but make it a pretty bed, a bed, some night tables. There's a shelter. You've given them a shelter, fill your fridge. But give them no money for door, dash
or entertainment, movie night, nothing. No, you say to them when they ask for that money. I gave you a bed, I've given you shelter. There's food in my fridge. You're welcome to use one of the cookbooks I have, and I serve family dinner if you'd like to join us, But no no money for that. You see, you have to make them loved and cared for, but they need to be hungry. Somebody I know recently said, I don't understand my fridge is full. His mother's there
cooking and he always orders door dash and he's in his twenties. I said, who pays for the door dash? The dad said I do. I'm like, well that's your problem. You'll go up to the fridge. If you just do that, Okay. Then you need to help them find work or school, whether you're on indeed LinkedIn jobs, investigate cosmetology programs, trade schools, whatever. Why are more guys not learning how to be welders and
plumbers and electricians? Right? We don't all need to go to college to learn how to make the next great app and also check in daily with that job hunt. Don't get it behind, don't ask, bring out the computer. Let's get back on. Let's see what we got today. Yes, help them build their resume, Teach them how to write business emails, Teach them how to walk in and say, mom, just put the resume on. Indeed, you don't walk in, Yes, you do. You walk
in? You introduce yourself to the manager. You say, I put my resume up on. Indeed, I just wanted to personally introduce myself. Well, I'll tell you that I've been doing this for the last week since my kid came back, and she has a really big job interview tomorrow. I'm not going to jink sit. I'm not gonna say anything. But I made her walk into this establishment three times, all dressed up, perfect makeup. I drove her to the door. I sat outside in the car. I
told her exactly what to say. I said, if they're looking for salespeople, they want people who can sell themselves. The squeaky wheel gets the job. Just show up. John Lennon said, half of life is showing up. So anyway, I'll keep you posted next week. It's tomorrow. I'm so nervous. She's so nervous. All right. On the kid note, I have some friends going through a divorce and their kids are still quite young, so I did a little research on the best ways to make a home
for your children after divorce. It's a little more comfy than the young adult trust me. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I am six forty. Coming up a little later, my friend Lisa and Ive are here. Is here? This woman is a spitfire. You probably know her from YouTube, or maybe you've written or read some of her travel stuff. She's a traveler, but she wrote a book. I didn't even realize that all her travel stuff began because of a divorce and that she was going to,
like epray, love herself around the world. And she did more than that. We'll find out a little while. But before I get there, speaking of divorce, I want to remind you there is no such thing as a failed relationship. When Death Do us Part was invented, death was pretty imminent. Even the most monogamous of humans may see themselves having two or three
long stint of monogamy with a mate selection in between. It's because of our extra long life expectations now, and during one of those long term marriages, you may find yourself with children and divorcing. This is not new now. When I was in the seventh grade, I had a friend named Karen, and Karen was the only person I'd ever met with a single mother. This was in the seventies, single mother, four kids. Grandma Cheryl's still alive
and doing grade. I love her. She's like one of my favorite people. She was the cool, hip single mom in her thirties who had four kids, and we always hung out at her place. But it was rare and there was stigma attached to it. Now you can assume that a full fifty percent or more children are living with a single parent or a blending family. And now let's talk about how to do it right so that your children won't be as hurt as all children are going to be. Remember, no
matter how you cut it, when you divorce, children blame themselves. That's just how it works. So you have to be the one to say, we love you. This is not because of you. You are not going to lose us. You are going to have both of us involved in your lives forever. But let's talk about how we can prepare a nest when the kid has now two nests, okay, and the first is you really need to prepare for it right. You need to talk about it with your significant
other. How you're going to set up these rooms, the stuff you're going to put in each room, how you're going to make it so it's seamless for your kids. You know, many, many divorce attorneys recommend that you get the second place as close to the first place as possible so that the kids aren't driving forever to get to their schools, so that they don't get you know, loss of play dates during the week that's far away at someone's
house. I really commend my little brother Andy. My little brother Andy, father of two boys, always bought a house within blocks of the ex wife. I know you're like, who wants us run into it? So up, you know, it makes it easier for carpool for school. If the kid forgets something that's important for homework or a project. At the other house, it's a couple of blocks away. You ride their bike, skateboard,
come on over, right. So I really think and suggest that you don't move far away, so that the kids can have these two places and spaces but still feel close. Now, the next thing you want to do is talk about it with your kids. Now, it might seem obvious that you're going to explain to them they're going to have two rules and two things, but kids need simple, honest information to understand and process what's going on.
If they have questions, answer their questions in simple, age appropriate terms. What's most important is that you're not dismissive. No, it's gonna be fine, You're gonna like it, it'll be great. Oh, you're gonna have a nice room, right. No, No, no, this might be hard for you. One week here, one week there. Sometimes you'll miss one parent one week and the other parent. But I'll always be available by
phone. Set up this stuff with your acts. By the way, on your week away, children should be able to have contact and communication with the other parent. Really important. Create a special space. Make sure, matter how small your new place is, that your kid has a dedicated space there that's theirs. Now, it might not be a full bedroom. It might be a corner of the living room where they get their books and their toys. In their space, and that's their space. You can put yellow tape
across it. Nobody enters without permission. Right. I did this with my kids. In each of their bedrooms, I put a picture of them with their dad. It's really important. Remember when you trash the other parent, you're trashing your child. Your child is half them, all right, So make sure there's a picture of the other parent in their space. Also, involve the kids in the decorating. Make it a fun thing. Take the ikea trip, let them pick out their bedding, let them pick out their
stuff. Make it a fun thing. If they have some control over the situation, they're going to feel better about it. Think about more than just the toothbrush and a bed. Think about what they're going to need. And yes, buy duplicates if you need to. This is about your children's emotional health. And yep, make it fun. Okay, divorce is not fun. But we do know that children are sponges and if the parent is spending the time going, I know it's not the same. We have such a
small place now, you know what. One time, when times were tough, as I was a single mom for eighteen years, my two daughters and I lived in a studio apartment now an LA studio apartment. It was pretty big. It had a walled garden, an outdoor space. I said to them, did you know if we lived in Paris or New York, this would be a huge apartment. In New York it would be special because it has its own walled garden. In Paris, it would just be ginormous.
Let's imagine that we're living in one of those places. And what I did, because it was a studio apartment, is I made l shaped three beds and I had throws over them during the day with lots of pillows, and it was a three sided couch and I put it like an ottoman in the middle, and it was our hole. And then at night we pulled off the things that it became beds. I made an out I brought a little chiminea at home depot for cheap, and made a little fireplace out in the
garden and we sat around. That was our living room. We had an outdoor dining table. It's California. You need a heater in the winter. Baby, But we had a great time. We made it fun. I missed those days. It was one year we did that, and I missed that year. So make it fun for your kids, because it's hard when
we come back. I have a travel blogger who wrote the most interesting book called Bravish One Breakup, Six Continents and Feeling Fearless after fifty When we come back, my guest Lisa Niver, you're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand
from KF I am six forty. Hey, did you ever read that book Wild But the woman who you know went on the PCT all by herself while she was solving her psychological problems, or eat, Pray Love, or she ate her way around the world and prayed and came back with a love. I'm sure you did well. My guest on the show has written a very similar book. You have to wait until September nineteenth for it to come out.
Her name is Lisa and Iver. She's named a number three travel influencer this year, and she talks travel on KTLA and Los Angeles plus her YouTube channel. She's all over social media. Her new book is called Bravish One, Breakup, Six Continents and Feeling Fearless After fifty So what I didn't know about Lisa and Iver is that all her travel blogging began after breakup. It all had to do with relationships. I mean, she ate sushi for the
very first time. Wait, despite having already traveled to Asia a bunch of times. Okay, late on that. She sat on the bottom of an ocean in Mexico and learned how to identify different species of sharks, especially the aggressive ones. She raised BMW's in the Rain and California. She zoomed on a Lamborghini in Vegas on a border crossing between Tanzania and Kenyan. She fixed a toilet for people who've never done a bucket flush and she was terrified.
She took the plunge to skydive as her fiftieth Challenge one Breakup, six Continents and feeling Fearless after fifty Welcome Lisa and Iver. Thank you so much. You look fearless. Thank you. I'm so honored to be here with you. Well, thank you for that. I'm just happy you came in on a Sunday. That's so nice. So why did you decide to write this creative memoir? Well, I'd say one of the main reasons I worked on this book was I remember when I was getting divorced, I felt like such
a failure and I felt really alone. And I've spoken with a lot of other women and men who also felt like failures. And in actual fact, as you probably tell your listeners, for me, it would have been a
failure to stay in that Manne exact. Actually, you know, this week in my psychology class, I was teaching students about various cognitive biases we have, and one of them is called the sunk cost bias, and that is, the more time and the more money you've invested in something, the more likely you are going to stick to it, even if it's awful, Because we have this bias to staying loyal, right, So you got to know when to hold them and know when to fold them. Yes, and so
I folded them. And then I was so upset and I was so sad, and I ended up working on my eyes. I had a vision problem. And then I started this fifty Challenges before I was fifty, and doing the fifty challenges eventually became this book. And you did them alone. The challenges. Yeah, yes, she's mild. Okay, what are some of
the biggest challenges and how did you overcome your fears? Well, I'd say one of the biggest things that happened was I had an undiagnosed or misdiagnosed eye problems since I was a child, and everyone told me I was clumsy, which I believed, but that actually wasn't trip. You weren't seeing stuff. Oh my goodness, Oh my goodness. That was definitely a problem. You know, in this book, it's not just a travelogue and an exciting adventure
story. It's a story of recovery after divorce, and you share a lot of personal struggles after this divorce. Was it difficult to open up? I mean, I'm an open book. I've been an extrovert. I process externally. I have a very high shame tolerance I'm not a normal person. How was it for you opening up about this really personal stuff? It was horrible. I would write, I would write about it, and I would feel
so sad and I would cry. It was very cathartic. And then when I thought it was for sure going to throw up, I would lie on the floor. I hope I wouldn't really throw up, and then I would get back at my desk and keep typing. I kind of felt like that last night with all the champagne, but I had to stand up and so lie. It's a long story, so just give us a quick little laundry list of some of the things you did that were particularly scary. I mentioned
a few, but there might be others. You mentioned a few. I've done a lot of scuba diving challenges, like you said with the sharks. One of the things I tried was beach tennis. For someone that doesn't see very well, starting tennis as an adult was very frustrating, and how does the ball bounce on the beach? Well, first I took tennis like a tennis leskins on a regular court, but then when I was in Aruba they had beach tennis. It's more it's like a cross between ping pong and tennis.
It's it's fun. But yeah, that was hard. Yeah. And so you've done these fifty challenges, you wrote the book. Was it worth it? How is your life changed? That is such a good question. My life is so different. Even when I was doing the fifty challenges, every time I had a new idea, first I said no, I refused. There was a lot of crying and refusing. And now when something happens, like I went with a friend to the CN Tower in Toronto and I
saw that you click a good Canadian. You took off the last tea. Thank you, darl. So while I was there in the CN Tower, I realized you can go to the top and walk around. And my friend was like, that's with a glass floor. My friend said, the idea of it made her want to throw up. And not only did I do it, I did it in the rain. Oh my goodness. Okay, So I did it one time with my kids because we wanted to see the CN Tower tall. It used to be the tallest free stranding structure in the
world, but who knows who beat it now? And so you take this elevator up forever and ever and ever and you get to this tower and there's a freaking glass floor you step out on and it's like there's nothing. So I actually have vertigo. So what happens when you have vertigo is there are no thoughts. Your muscles just freeze, like you can't move. It's the weirdest thing. You can't get past it. It's not even any sense of fear. It's like everything just freezes. So I stayed on that little kind
of platform near the edge and my kids walked on the glass. That's all I could do because I couldn't step out. My muscles were just frozen. This is the one where you are in a suit with a tether. You did on the outside, yes, oh my lord, No, I didn't even anticipate that you did the outside CN tower in the rain. It was so fun. Lisa, Oh my goodness. Okay, when we come back, I want to get into the nitty gritty because also on this travel you
had a few little sexploits. All right, you worked at a club med. I want to know what happened at club bed for Lisa and Iver. When we come back. You're listening to doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KF I am six forty author travel writer Lisa and Iver her new book coming out
on September nineteenth. It's called Bravish One, Breakup, Six Continents, and Feeling Fearless After fifty you did fifty crazy challenges, swimming with starks, hanging from the CN Tower all over the world, and that's why you have so much great travel material to share. You originally left California for Colorado to work at a club. Med tell me about that was so much fun, but a little overwhelming for me at first. There was a lot of club bed happening. It was a ski one, not a beach one, so even
club bed happened in the ski resorts. Clubbed happened when I was there everywhere. I remember once being at a staff meeting and the chief of the village saying, there's a lot of single women coming next week, and I want them to be happy. So they kind of tell people put out, yes they do. Somebody's going to get sued for sexual harassment at some point at club it was all I kept thinking, was, Dorothy, we're not in Kansas anymore. Because I had been an elementary school teacher and that that was
not what we talked about at staff meetings. I'm afraid to ask you this question, Lisa, but there you got the nickname spin. Okay, So when I was in college, there was a name for certain women called spinners. Do you know that term must be a Canadian. I don't know that one. But what happened to me is it club met Everyone had a roommate, and so if you wanted to make out, you had to find a place to go. So one of the ski instructors and I actually made out
in the laundry room. And I learned by the next day that you could do something alone in a locked room, but pretty fast everyone would know. So at lunch, one of the other ski instructors, who I didn't know I was new. We used to eat with the kids. I was skiing with the kids, and he came and he put a quarter children, what your teachers do at night? He put a quarter next to my plate, and he said, in case you want to go for a spin with me
later? What because that would turn on the laundry machine, because I was sitting on the laundry machine, so in the spin cycle, uh huh. And so for the rest of that season, everyone called me spin Oh my, oh my, Well, let me ask you this though. When you were growing up, were you in a conservative house, a liberal house? Was this asexual awakening for you? All this travel stuff. She's nodding, yes, I wasn't sure if you were done to asking me. I grew
up very myself conservative. I did not date much in high school. I went to all girls school. I think some of it had to do with my eye issues, like I didn't always get all the social queuing, and I got confused, Like I remember somebody asked me at a party, do you want to go on a walk because it's hot in here? And it was hot, and I did want to go for a walk, but then you wanted to kiss me, And I was like, what did that happen? And so then in college I did date, but not so much.
And then when I was at Club med it was basically a buffet and you were learning about yourself. Now later after your divorce, you're fifty years old, that's a time when women's hormones are going down. What was your experience. I was back at the buffet and I met men everywhere. Issed up with a guy I met on the plane, someone from salsa class. I was traveling and I was having so much fun again, and I felt like I could be myself and I was out in the world, and I think
that drew a lot of people to me. Well, you know, the research on cougars and menopause is that depending on your environment, it can impact your hormones. So, in other words, if you're in an old, staid, conservative relationship doing the same kinds of sexual acts on a regular basis, your hormones are going to decline. But if all of a sudden, as you use the term, you're at a buffet, hormones charge up again. And so I like to use this saying, if you don't use it,
you lose it. So it's about using it. Yes, And I had so much fun. It was great. I met someone on an Almost every adventurous trip I went on, I was collecting new memories. So let me ask you about this. I was never one who was good at hooking up. I did a lot of hookups, but I didn't like it because I always thought they would be a stepping stone to a relationship, and when
the relationship didn't happen, I had all kinds of attachment anxiety. Now we do know that women are more likely to fall in love during sex than men are because their bodies emit so much oxytose in the big bonding hormone. Did you have that problem that you were falling in love? I think after working on the cruise ship and people came for seven days and left that when I was meeting people on adventures, I knew it was finite. They were not
people. I think when you're home and you meet someone at the corner bar, you think you'll see them again. But when you've flown from Los Angeles to Dublin and you meet someone from Canada, you don't think, Wow, this is definitely happening. Well, some women do, and they pine away and send emails forever and say when are you coming to visit? So you're able to. So now you're back, it's all over. What's up for you with your relationship life? What is your plan? Well? I has
actually just talking to someone this morning. I asked him to set me up with one of his friends. So we'll see what happens. I'll keep you posted. So are you looking for long term monogamy now? I definitely am not part of the whole polygamous ethical non monogamous thing in LA. I would if I'm going to date someone, I'm going to date one person. Okay, here that gentleman Lisa and Iver. You can look her up. The book is called Brave Ish, One Breakup, Six Continents and Feeling Fearless after
fifty Lisa. Where do they find the book? You can find the book everywhere Amazon, But the best thing is call your local bookstore and ask them to order it and pick it up in the store. You never know what treasures you'll find in the store, but Barnes and Noble Bookshop, Walmart, Target, it's everywhere. Brave Ish. Thanks for being with us when we come back. Did you know that there's a reason why so many narcissists and
sociopaths are able to find mates. They actually have some very interesting personality traits that are super attractive. I'll explain when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on k f I AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app,