This is doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty, the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. Okay, let's talk about our love lives. Okay. I like to be touched, but only by people that I like. Okay, So here's the thing. Some people like to be touched a lot. Some people don't like to be touched very much. This is in general. Some
people like public displays of affection, others do not. Some people like to be touched in certain ways in certain places. Other people have different places and different ways. In other words, we're all different when it comes to affection. However, a new term has cropped up on the TikTok. TikTok, the social arbiter of our time has come up with yet another phrase, and
this is called the bristle reaction. The bristle re action, I guess somebody did a video about it and I got one hundred and six million views. So now one hundred and six million people are thrown around this term. The bristle reaction to describe flinching or tensing up when your partner unexpectedly hugs or kisses you. Okay, now I need to be clear. This is not a
psychological term. This is not a psychological diagnosis. If I dug back into some of the textbooks I read back in the day, we might use psychobabble like tactile defensiveness, tactile sensitivity, or tactile hyper sensitivity, these kinds of things. Maybe, just maybe, But the bristle reaction is not a thing. Okay, it's not a thing. However, there is this idea that every once in a while you bristle, you feel extrasensitive, you don't like
a touch. Now, I want to be really clear year that it is always okay to not want to be touched, and you don't always need to provide a reason to your partner. My favorite saying was written to me in an email by one of my heroes, Glorious Steynham back of the day. She was talking about something else. She was talking about sexual harassment, but she said, everybody's rights stops at our skin. Think about that in the abortion debate. Everybody's rights stop at my skin. Okay, and so that
also is touched. You don't actually have to give a reason. Now, let's talk about the people who are more likely to have this so called bristle reaction, people who are neurodivergent. Right, there are some people who have all kinds of tactile sensitivity. One time I was chaperoning a field trip in like the fourth grade, and there was one boy undiagnosed but clearly on the
spectrum. And my job as the parent was to count them when they got on the bus so that the teacher knew how many she had on that bus. So as they went along, I tapped each gently on the shoulder, one, two, three, as I'm counting. As they're going up the stairs, I watched that kid get closer and closer in the line. I watched the terror on his face, and I watched him do this crazy deep dive around my hand so that he would not be touched. And I felt
so bad afterwards. It broke my heart. I should have had the wherewithal to think, don't even tap a kid on the shoulder. You just don't know, right. As soft as it was a soft tap, it was a lovely tap. Okay, So people sometimes who are on the spectrum have all kinds of physical sensitivities. My own daughter, when she was little, would scream, it's unconsfortable. It's unconsfortable. So she was two or three and she would say, and I don't like this fabric. It's terrible.
Also, people who have experienced trauma as children, whether it was physical abuse or sexual abuse, may have a quite a large startle effect when they don't expect to get a touch in a certain way. So we have to be understanding of this. However, if you've been in a relationship with your partner for some time and all of a sudden you notice yourself getting the so called bristle effect when they touch you, let's talk about what could be going on
there. I've actually was in a relationship once that was like this. He was not affectionate at all with me except if you wanted sex. So therefore I couldn't get a free kiss or a hug unless I was going to quote unquote go all the way right. And so what happened is I would start to bristle when he would come with a hug because it felt like pressure, and I didn't like that pressure. Even though, hey, gentlemen, I want to say, if you're a single guy listening to this right now,
please know this. If you're on a first or second or third date with a woman and she chooses to give you some affection hugs and kisses, she doesn't want to go any further. I mean, she might want to, but there's a very good chance that this is not an invitation for more. Women love to just make out and that's it it ends for them at that
point. In fact, there's some research to show that women actually unconsciously get a lot of information about your genetic fitness through the taste of your salivah. We actually kiss to check you out. You brush your teeth before you go on that date. So please know that if a woman is kissing you and hugging you and cuddling you, it doesn't This is not evidence that she wants more. Okay, So if you're in a relationship, if it's turned into
pressure, then you've got to have a conversation about it. You've got to talk about I would like some affection that doesn't lead into something. Also, if you're just somebody who just bristles, maybe you've had trauma or whatever, scheduled time for affection scheduled time for skin to skin time and also be more clear about who's initiating sex when or what. Have a system so that you
don't have this kind of so called burstle effect. By the way, when we are speaking about touch and affection and kissing and hugging, you know, there's research on what goes on around the world in people's relationships. A new research published in the peer review journal Scientific Report, so you know it's a good one, looked at almost eight thousand people in thirty seven different countries. They had to be in a relationship in order to participate, and they filled
out a questionnaire where they were asked two things. One how much you'll love your partner, okay, on a scale of one to ten. How in love are you? It's a ten for me, Julio. I hope you're listening. It's a ten. I love you. But they were also shown pictures. I love the shown pictures of people embracing stroking, stroking not on genitals, just stroking, kissing, and hugging. Okay, I love that
they showed pictures. And here's why people are confused about any sexual survey or any affection survey, because if they haven't experienced it, or they call it by a different name. They might like some people say sex is kissing. It's a form of sex. It is, I guess, and so they say, did you have sex with that person? Yes? I did we kiss? Right? And so when you actually show pictures like did you do
this with your partner in the last week. So they were actually able to figure out right through a percentage if it's one of the four behaviors twenty five two of the four fifty percent, three seventy five percent, all four behaviors embracing stroking, kissing, and hugging, that's one hundred percent. So then they were able to calculate the average value for all the participants in one country, and the scientists could come up with which countries are the most affectionate and
which are the least affectionate. I was surprised by this data, and I will tell you about it when we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I Am six
forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Okay, we're talking about this study, a good research study, more than eight that almost eight thousand people in thirty seven countries. They asked them to look at pictures of people embracing, stroking, kissing, and hugging, and they asked them how often they did those things with their partner in the last week. And they also
asked them how much they loved their partner. And then they were able to do a country by country analysis basically, who's the most lovey dovey, who kisses the most, who hugs the most? Well, the number one country, No, I'm going to save the one to the last. How about United States comes in number four? Folks, that's pretty good. Actually, we hugging even in non sexual ways, in business, hug before meetings, whatever, huggers. COVID was hard on a lot of Americans because they couldn't
hug right now, we have to ask consent. Remember we had a guest in the studio a couple of weeks ago and she goes, can I take a picture for Instagram? And I go, yes, are you comfortable? If I put my hand on your shoulder, like you gotta ask, the conversations have completely changed changed. You gotta right, okay. Number three coming in number three was Kuba. Of course those they're dancing, Latin people who love each other. Of course they're hugging and kissing. Number two shocked the
heck out of me. The country in the world who comes in second for the most amount of kissing and hugging Germany. Germany, I always thought that be like cold kind of no. Okay, and their neighbor right next door comes in number one. Austria. Oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger. Isn't he from Austria? He hugged Maria Shriver and then he hugged that housekeeper too much. Oh, it's the whole thing. Okay, it happens, Okay. The least affectionate countries number one China, Oh, Chinese people, you need to
hug more. The Netherlands and Ukraine. Oh, I just want to go over and give them all a hug now they're in a war. Researchers also found there was a clear association between how much people said they loved their person and how much they touched their PERSONA da da da I always hug Julio every day, at least five times a day. And also we hold hands whenever we walk. We don't even think about it. We realize we've just switched
our coffee to the other hand and we're holding hands. It's just something we do unconsciously because we like the touch. That's what I will say. All right, if you're in a new relationship, or if you're in the dating world, you may have a list of deal breakers. I want to say very clearly that deal breakers are important and you do need a list because that
list shows that you have boundaries. Right. However, I have noticed with people who ask me to help them make their dating profile or whatever, that they have too many deal breakers, and deal breakers are so unfair to the individuals out there. They're really unfair expectations. They're asking too much of people, right. Are we asking for them to put us on a pedestal or bow down to us? Are we asking them to be this perfect person? I want to say this, you have a one hundred percent chance in your
life of never meeting a perfect person. They don't exist. In fact, I think when we go out on a first date. I did this with Julio actually, instead of saying I told him, Instead of saying how perfect we are and trying to sell each other to each other, why don't we talk about the one reason why we are undateable? And we told each other secrets like think we're a bit embarrassed about on the very first coffee date,
and therefore we started to develop intimacy from the beginning. But I often say that people should go on first dates and kind of be like, all right, let me try to figure out what this person's craziness is and see if I get live with it, Because that's really what a healthy relationship is, knowing somebody doesn't match your perfect desires, your idea of a perfect person,
and still knowing you can love them. Right. So, things that I used to put on my deal breaker list were a history of domestic violence, Like that's a good thing to have on your list, right. One time I was out at a bar and I met Mike Tyson and he asked for my phone number years ago. I was young and hot, and I was like, m no, that's like well documented fighting. He gets paid to fight. He bit somebody's ear off, there was a rape thing he served tut no, no, no, no, No, it's not like people
can't change, and I think Mike Tyson probably has changed. I just want to say that when we are under great stress, and at no other time in our lives will be under greater stress than when we're in a fight, in a relation, in an intimate relationship, the tools that become available to people are often the weapons of their childhood. If they were Oh that's the
other thing. If they suffered severe childhood abuse and they haven't done the healing work, they're still in a victim place or a blaming the world place. That's a deal breaker for me. And then on the light side, I don't like people who don't tip well. When I'm on a first date. My little eye goes over when they're citing the checket. I try to see if they tipped well or not, because it's a big indicator. Listen,
I happen to be a landlady. I know the laws very well. And also even if the laws weren't there, I would never discriminate against things like
gender or sexual orientation or racer at religion or ethnicity like do right. But the one thing I can discriminate against is credit rating, because your credit rating doesn't say, if you're rich or poor necessarily, but what it does is it shows that you have mental health, that you have the psychological ability to take on risk, and you have the ability to be a good person,
plan execute know that your rent is due, do it right well. I also think that when they tip well in a first date, they're trying to show that they care about the people no working people out there. Plus, I was a waitress for a lot of years, and I always feel that those twenty percent tippers make up for all the five percent or the ten percent or the no tippers. Right while we're on the topic of tipping, because
I digress, but I do have to say this. I was happy that Starbucks finally added a thing where you can now if you're paying by credit card or the app, you can add a tip, which is fine. Lowest amount of tip is one dollar, by the way, so you can't add fifty cents. But now I notice every single fast food takeout where you're not actually getting service, they're asking you to pay for service. That thing comes up all the time when you put your credit card in the little machine,
how much would you like to tap? And some of them start at eighteen percent. Wait a place where there's no service. Why do I sound like John and Ken complaining right now? But it's like, there's a place there, I'm not getting any service. I'm standing at the counter. You're giving me my food in a paper cup, and I'm carrying it to my table. So what am I paying for? And does it start at eighteen? Then they have twenty twenty five percent? Okay, well you generous people that
hit the twenty five percent button. I love you. I would like to date you, except to have a Julio you'd have to fight him, all right, So deal breakers? Do you have a particular deal breaker? Caleb. I don't trust people that don't have any friends or family. That's another one, the lone wolves. Yeah, yeah, they need to have social support. So guys, if you want to impress women, just go out
and get some friends. Do group dates. I like long term friends personally, Like you can't have all friends that you just met a week ago. I don't trust you. That's also an issue. Or too many friends, too many best friends. I don't know. I want to dated this guy and we had a bunch of dates and he was really great, and we started sleeping together. You know, cocooning, but hadn't met any of his
friends. So then we started taking our relationship out into the real world and he invited me to some bar where he knew some friends were going to be in another social function, and I noticed his friends treated him bad and I was like, oh, he's not well liked. Yeah, it was a big red flag. So anyway, all I want to say about deal breakers is this, have a small list, don't make it too long, Please,
don't make it too superficial. And ladies, I just have to add this, if male height and hair is top of your list, you're being superficial. That's like a guy saying she has to have big breasts, okay, and we don't like it when they say that, So why would you do that to them? There are so many amazing men who are height challenged,
who maybe losing their hair. Julio has no hair anymore. He showed me a picture of him with hair when he was young, and I was like, ooh, I don't think I would have liked you then, but please open up your eyes. Respond to these guys on those dating apps. Please. I need to make out a plea for them, because they're such great guys and they will make great boyfriends and husbands. Okay, when we come back, I am going to be going to social media to answer some
of your questions. If you would like to send me a question and just send me a DM on Instagram or TikTok and the handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. My drive by Makeshift Relationship Advice is coming up next. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show and k I I am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor
Wendy Walls Show at kf I Am six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Well, this is the time of the show where I give you some of my Auntie wisdom, my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Just a reminder, I am not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but
I have been obsessed with the science of love for a few decades. I've written three books on relationships, The Boyfriend Test, The Girlfriend Test, and The Thirty Day Love d talks, and I wrote my dissertation on attachment theory. And I've had a lot of experience with relationships in my life because I had to learn the hard way. I had to overcome some of my early childhood trauma. I had to overcome some of my attachment anxiety to finally find
a secure relationship. So I have learned experientially. All right, let us go to social media. If you'd like to send in a question, just follow me on social media. The handle is at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. All right, dear doctor Wendy, How can I tell if I'm being verbally abused? I don't think my boyfriend knows the power of his words. He always calls me kayle am. I allowed to say this on air. Maybe we should just say dumb. Dumb another word for donkey,
Another word for donkey that starts with the letter A dumb. The kids are in the backseat going, what do you mean, mom? What do you mean? Anyway, he calls me this a dumb whatever, and he says it in a light, joking matter. It's just how he talks. But I think it's name calling and it's starting to have an effect on me. How interesting the question is? Am I being verbally abused? I want to say that people who have a kind of an insecure attachment style or less self
esteem often ask questions like that, is this normal? Is this right? Is this happening? Where's my boundary? What's okay? What's not? And a lot of my job as an old auntie here is to say now, that's not okay, right? And I would say that about this too. And I want to remind everybody if you have any friends, family lovers who make all those jokes, those sarcastic jokes or saying things, and then try
to erase it by saying, how's this joking? Just kidding? No, no, no, there is a little bit of truth behind every single joke. Plenty of cruel people use humor as a way to hurt others. So verbal fully abused sure sounds like a big diagnosis. I don't want to say that. Why don't I just say that your boyfriend's behavior should be unacceptable to you and you should be able to say to him, I don't like it when you make those jokes, and I don't like it when you call this,
call me this. I'm gonna tell you a story. So when I was twenty, I had a big white Catholic wedding for my mother. I was living with my college boyfriend, and she stopped talking to me, and it was manipulative. It was wrong anyway, poor guy. I stuck it out for three years as his wife. During that time, he had a little nickname for me, which was pinhead, and whenever I would do something human a mistake, he got, oh, you're such a pinhead. Is
such a pinhead, and that stuck. He said it over and over and over. I ended up leaving that relationship so resentful and actually wanting to prove to the world that I was smart, because somehow he liked to take advantage of normal young people's mistakes and ridicule me because of it. To this day, I'm going to track him down. I'm gonna find I'm gonna tell him I didn't like three years of being called a pinhead. So there you go. If he's calling you a dumb donkey, it's not okay, and you
need to tell him. But I didn't have the words at the time. I didn't have doctor Wendy to call into and say, how do I get him to stop calling me a pinhead. Now I'd be like, dude, don't call me that. All right, let's move on. Dear doctor Wendy. Oh oh, I'm sorry. I think my relationship is failing. I'm feeling lonely all the time. I can't tell if we're in a low or it's over. We've been together for five years. He used to be my best friend, but now we barely talk. I don't even know what happened
to cause this shift. What do I do? Well, I'm going to tell you a story about Julio and I. We actually, as we speak, are going through a little bit of a funk. Now, it has nothing to do with our relationship. Actually, it has to do with the fact that both of us have set its stressors in our life, and therefore, because we're busy attending to our own personal stress ors, we're not able to be the supportive partner to each other. And how I noticed this.
The lucky thing for Julio is that he's in a relationship with doctor Wendy Walsh. What can I say? And so I noticed a last night we were out for sushi and I was saying a few things, and no matter what I said, he came back with something negative, and I thought, oh, was that interesting, And he even said sort of things to raise my fears. Well, you know, should be careful. I'm like, that's interesting. Usually he's my champion and my cheerleader. This is very weird.
So instead of getting into it with him, I stepped back from the whole situation and looked at it and thought about it. Oh my god, he's going through his stuff and I'm not being so supportive and he's not being so supportive. So I stopped everything and I said, wait a minute. I noticed something. You're being a little bit stappy. You're being snappy, and I'm being sensitive. I did it in that cute little voice too, and he's like, no, not, I'm just making the point. You know
how they do, that's what they do. No, no, No, you're being a little snappy and I've been a little sensitive. I just want to tell you then, I love you and I support you, and I'm here for you, and this thing that you're going through is going to pass. And then he said and I love you and I support you, and this thing you're going through is going to pass. And then everything was coomed by a again. All right, My point is This should be a model
for you in your relationship. No, your relationship is not over. It's in a valley. It's been five years. You guys forgot to reach out to each other and exchange care emotionally when you need it. So what do you do? Talk to him about it? Say hey, I noticed we're getting a little distant and I miss you as my best friend. And if they're not responding and don't want to participate and don't want to have emotional intimacy, then you need to get a marriage and family therapist to work with it.
So, no, it's not over. But I'm sorry you're feeling lonely in your relationship. It's not a good feeling. All right, Do you have time for one more Caleb before we go to break? Now, that's gonna break. I'm gonna bring I'm going oh okay, Oh somebody, I'll just tell you what's coming up. Somebody had a bunch of backstabbers in her life. Somebody else is dating a recovering alcoholic, and someone else says is asking me if love is enough? Oh, let us talk about this when
we come back. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on kf I AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio Accum you're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from kf I AM six forty. Welcome back to the home stretch of the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty KA. I got on such long tangents today that I only got to the social media questions at the very end of the show. Crazy right, Better late
than never, better late than ever. Listen. If you do not follow me on social media, you need to come to the party, Okay, at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, TikTok Instagram, YouTube as well. Come onto my Patreon. We do a live zoom room on Wednesday nights at six thirty. A lot of KFI listeners there. It's great, great chat. It's not therapy or anything. We just talk about all kinds of issues of the day and the science of love. And that's patreon dot com
slash doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, let me get to your dms and give you my drive by makeshift relationship advice. Dear doctor Wendy, I have had a rough childhood. I'm sorry so many people have I've been stabbed in the back by people I really trusted. Hopefully that's a metaphor. It has caused me to have trust issues. I'm now in my late thirties and I find myself alone. I have no friends or love, and I'm so guarded.
How do I heal? Okay, this is probably the best example of somebody who needs to reach out to a licensed therapist because in therapy you can heal and work through the issues of your you call it a rough childhood, whatever trauma happen to you. But also you can practice relationship skills. Your therapist will teach you emotional language for words, you will find way to grow. I mean, I can't tell you I've been in and out of therapy for
eighteen years. It has been the best money I ever spent in my life. I literally carry my therapist voice in my head when I'm in all kinds of situations. I'm like, oh, would she say I should do here? Right? And she helped me process my feeling so well that I process them on my own. Now when bad stuff happens, I'm like, I hear her voice going, you know this is just this time or it sounds like you're feeling threatened, but I don't think there's that much of a threat
here. It probably has to do with your childhood, right. It helps you separate things, So please please please reach out to a licensed therapist. You can start with your family physician for a referral. Call your insurance company
see what they cover. If you don't have much money to cover the costs of private stuff, reach out to any university that has a graduate program at a counseling center because they always have PhD. I mean, people finish their PhD who are earning their hours toward licensure and their supervised so you get two eyes of people on your case. So please reach out and give yourself this gift. Dear doctor, Wendy writes this person, I'm dating a former alcoholic.
He's six months clean and I'm so proud of him, but I just feel like I have replaced alcohol. He now seems addicted to me. Oh he wants me around twenty four seven and wants me to text with him and call him all day long. Oh oh, I want to distance myself, but I don't want him to relapse. Okay, if you want to keep relationship with this person. You need to go to Alanon seriously because you'll become
an enabler. You've already just saying that sentence like I want to distance myself, but I don't want him to relapse, means that you are now taking responsibility for his drinking behavior. Right, His drinking behavior and his recovery is for him to deal with. Okay, it's not your job to heal him,
not your job to do anything. But also, you know, in alcoholics anonymous, they tell them not to have a romantic relationship or at least until after a year of sobriety, because it takes that long to really heal. So there is a good chance that as you're reporting, he's becoming addicted to you now, right, So I really really really encourage you to please go to Alanon, talk to him about this. Set your own boundaries. Your job should be to think about yourself and your needs and to set up
your boundaries. And yeah, not be thinking of it. You're not responsible for his drinking or not not your job, all right, Dear doctor Wendy, is love enough? Oh? What a big question. I've been with my partner for thirteen years. We're growing further and further apart. What is happening with everybody falling further apart? Is love enough to hold it together?
Oh, let's talk about what love is. So at the beginning of a relationship, love is a cocktail of neural hormones that create lust, that make you want to be with the person all the time, be drawn to them. After love starts to evolve into an intellectual kind of commitment love, you do a cost benefit analysis and you say, here they're good points, here they're bad points. I can live with this. I can't live with this. It's a I can make it. This is going to be fine.
I am making a decision. Love is a decision to make a commitment to somebody. So it starts out with an illusion, a wonderful, delicious delusion, those neural hormones of lust and attraction, and then it goes into intellectual commitment, and then it goes into the daily work of love. It doesn't go on autopilot. This idea that because you loved someone, once you've made a commitment to them, that everything will be hunky dory and you don't have
to do any more work is crazy. Love is about work, but it's joyful work. It's about showing gratitude to your lover. It's about giving affection to your lover. It's about expressing to your lover what your needs are. It's about talking about your future goals together that may change all the time as you grow as individuals. This is the work of intimacy. This is the work of love. Love isn't a feeling that's just going to carry you along.
Love is about seeing that person as an individual and understanding them and watching them grow, and also showing your partner who you are and who you've become, and continuing to invest in the relationship. Giving an investment of time, giving an investment of care, giving an investment of affection, giving an investment maybe financially. Giving an investment into your relationship is what helps love last.
It doesn't happen on its own. I'll tell you this. I've spent oh gosh, three decades and i continue to read about the science of love, and I'm always amazed because new generation of lovers are coming on board every year. How people understand so little about this. They think of love as a mystery, They think of love as a magical spell. Love can actually be
broken down into a very clear, hard science. And it doesn't mean People say to me, well, since you know so much about love, does that mean you don't feel it. No, I feel it too, but I also watch it. I go, Oh, that's what this is. This is just a feeling of lust and attraction. Oh, this is that delusion where I think the person's perfect. Oh, this is where I feel like all is lost because I realize they're not perfect. Oh, this is
me making a commitment to love, just like the textbooks say. This is me Rick recognizing that we're in a little valley right now, so I've got to invest more in the relationship at this time. You see, I feel it and I do it, but I also watch it and I do it for you two. It is my honor to weigh in on your love lives every week here on kaya Fhi. I've been here nine years now. It is my pleasure. What are we going to do for the tenth anniversary,
Kayla? We should come up with something, definitely, something huge to a party. Yeah. Anyway, have a wonderful week. I'd love to see on my Patreon zoom room on Wednesday night. Just go to patreon dot com. Slash doctor Wendy Walsh follow me on my social media at doctor Wendy Walsh post videos all the time, but I'm always here for you on KFI Am six forty every Sunday night from seven to nine pm. We'll see you next
week. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh, you can always hear us live on kf I Am six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.