This is Doctor Wendy Walsh and you're listening to KFI AM six forty the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on demand on the iHeartRadio app. Welcome to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. I'm KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. I'm Doctor Wendy Walsh. If you're new to my show, I have a PhD in clinical psychology. Now I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor at cal State, Channel Islands, and I'm obsessed with the science of love.
I've written three books on relationships, and I like to talk about the state of our unions. Later in the show, I am going to talk for a couple segments to single people. And you might be newly single no matter what your age. Right, Remember when till Death Do Us part was ament to death was pretty imminent because of our very long life expectancies. Very few people are going to meet their soulmate in their twenties and die in their
arms in their eighties or nineties. The truth is, even the most monogamous of humans, remember we have a wide variety of human sexual behavior. Even the most monogamous of humans are going to find themselves having two or three long stants of monogamy with some mate selection in between. We call that dating.
So I am going to be talking to single people. I want to talk about the Kate Middleton controversy that seems to not end with that altered photo and what we should be aware of in how to look for altered photos in dating apps. Also, I will be taking your social media questions. If you've got a relationship question. Remember I'm not a therapist, I'm a psych professor, but I've got a lot of life experience I'd love to lay on you.
You can just DM me. Instagram's great, I think, Producer Kayla, you're probably going to be checking Instagram during the show at Dr Wendy Walsh. At Doctor Wendy Walsh. Send me some questions, and then let's get into some self help advice. You know, there are some things out there that you can all be doing to improve your mental health. What science says works, and a bunch of it that does a work at all not proven by science. And finally, at the end of the show, let's talk
about our workplace relationships. You've heard about that trend quiet quitting. Well, we know how to quiet quit if we're the one doing it. But what if your coworker, your colleague, the person you rely on to help get your job done, is sitting there quiet quitting. How to handle that. We'll talk about that later in the show. But first, the state of our dating marketplace. If you are new to the single scene, let me
tell you a lot has changed in the last fifteen years. Obviously, the biggest change has been the advent of technology, including things like dating websites social media. I actually think that more young people are dating on Instagram than they do on Match or Bumble or what have you. I don't know the data on that, but it sure feels like it. The fact that people are
texting more than talking. I will say that dating apps in particular have really like, in some ways, they're amazing because they've expanded the dating marketplace for
certain minorities. This has been really really good news, right depending if you're a racial minority, a sexual orientation minority, a gender minority, and you might live in a smaller town or a rural area where there might only be one other person that you're interested in, what you can get on that dating app and find thousands of people who are in your kind of group, the
kinds of mates that you desire, you can cast a wide net. However, the advent of dating apps has not been good for what I call cis gender heterosexual mates. Sis means you know, typical heterosexual right binary cis binary male, female and heterosexual. And here's why. So let's go back to what evolutionary psychologists would say is natural for our species. Back in our one hundred gathered days, we roamed the planet in tribes of mostly thirty five to
forty people, and most of them were related to us. We rarely ever would have had sex with a stranger, usually the person we made it with with somebody we knew because they were part of our small tribe or small town. And in our entire lifespan, we probably never laid eyes on more than one hundred and fifty people. So dating apps have now expanded the landscape where a new potential mate is a thumb swipe away, and there could be thousands
and thousands of potential mates. So it makes this search harder because human beings suffer from something called paradox of choice. You probably heard me talk about this bias before, and what it means is the more choice you are presented with, the less likely you are to make a choice. The brain kind of freezes, and if you do make a choice, you value it less.
Right, So dating apps overwhelm the brain with too much choice, and people will fill their message boxes up with five or ten or twenty matches that they're chatting with every once in a while, and that chatting is often enough to sustain them. They're not even motivated to go out there and get dressed up and go on a date. And the other big change is that people are meeting strangers instead of through the real world social networks. And this is completely
unnatural. Right, every mate we ever had in our history was vetted by somebody, So this idea of meeting some stranger off an app is wrought with all kinds of anxiety, and it allows people to be complete frauds. In fact, in the next segment out of the commercial, I want to talk about how people lie with their photographs even And then here's another thing that's happened with the mating marketplace. We've got an oversupply of successful women and is all
good. This is good, good successful women, lots of education, making lots of money, but they are biology hasn't changed much, and US women are eating up our fertility window, getting education and building careers. And then there's this competition for mates in the early thirties, right If I could say that to help navigate this new dating landscape, there are three rules I would give you. One is, when you're on those dating apps, just match
with two people at once. That's it. Let your brain avoid paradox of choice, choose one or the other and make sure you actually meet them in the real world, and then decide to pair with two others. Match with two others if instead of having ten or twenty people to choose from. Secondly, meet fast. People make the mistake of endless texting, where they're not even texting with a human. They're texting with their fantasies who they imagine that
person is. And you know what, you got to get in the real world quick so that you can determ if this person, if you like this person, and if they're real. And also, don't ghost. Ghosting is when you just cut off all communication, politely reject have a canned text that says, hey, great chatting with you. I don't think romances in the cards. And here's why ghosting can be emotionally injurious to the person you're ghosting, But imagine if you run into that person later. People on dating apps
are humans. You know what if you have a business meeting with a new client next week and there's that person right in the room. Something similar to that actually happened to me one time. I'll tell you when we come back. It was so embarrassing. And also, Kate Middleton and those edited photos? Are any photos real anymore? How can we tell if somebody's photos on
a dating app are real or not? I've got some tips. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty WeLive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. Hey, if you have a relationship question, I would love to weigh in and answer it. Why don't you shoot me a DM right now? On Instagram, the handle is at doctor Wendy
Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh. Producer Kayla's going to be checking the DMS because after this segment, I'm gonna go in now. I'm not going to out you. It will be anonymous. I'm not going to say your name. Don't you worry. You can send me a personal question. I'll be kind a promise. Hey, can we talk about that altered photo of Kate Middleton? Is she princess? What's her title? Yeah? I think she's a
princess, right, prince and princess? I don't know. So she put out this family photo for Mother's Day in the UK because she apparently has been recovering from abdominal surgery. By the way, producer, Kayla, do you know why I think the abdominal surgery? What all this mess is about? No, why she had a tommy tuck? She had three kids, That's all this is. You're hidding it because she's a princess. He's a princess. Princess, I'm sure that's all it is. So she got it done
in like January. It's March now. It takes a long time for the swelling to go down. And a friend of mine who had a tummy tuck after she had triplets, you got to they cut right through the muscles and reattach them. And she said, you walk like a bent over old man for like three weeks right before you stretch out those muscles. So I'm not even sure why Kate Middleton is trending, like, what's the hoopla about?
So she put out this picture on Mother's Day of her with her laughing, smiling children, and when certain members of the media examined it, they found that the picture was altered. And when you look at I looked at the close ups of the pieces, one part of a sleeve of the daughters is cut off, and then something about where the daughter's hair is lying on her shoulder isn't quite natural, and something about Kate Middleton's zipper on her jumper.
Anyway, here's the thing. If you you guys don't know this. You know all those beautiful Christmas cards, Well, I don't know if people even mail Christmas cards family Christmas cards anymore. I get fewer and fewer every single year. I think we're down to about five now. I used to get like forty, and now I'm down to about five because people just post them on Facebook. They get that nice picture. So whether you're looking at it
on Facebook or whether you actually get it in the mail. Many families do the group shot and then each member of the family picks the picture where they think they look the best in, and then they photoshop it all together. I know many families who have done that. There have been wars because the teenagers are like, you are not setting that picture, and so they go, okay, well, we'll just cut and paste you from another picture.
We'll get the one you like. This happens all the time, and so that's my suspicion because the kids are all too perfectly laughing, and no way they would be laughing exactly the same amount, and nobody with their eyes closed or what have you. So I think that's all that happened. They photoshopped all the bodies in. So now that you know how easy it is to do, I thought it might be cool to talk about some of my tips
for trying to spot fake pictures in dating profiles. Now, obviously we're going to try to put our best face forward when we build our dating profile, and there's so much research to show that all single people cheat just a little bit, especially when they're describing themselves on their dating profile. So the common things people will do is under report their full weight or shave a couple of years off their age. Who do you think does what gender? Do you
think does that the most women? Why? Amen? Women cut off their age and they cut off some other pans. Again, this is all anthropological. If you asked an evolutionary psychologist, they would say, because even if a woman is fifty, she wants to look young and hot, so to pretend she's in her fertility window. It's so crazy. Nobody wants to make babies anymore at that age. Anyway. Other things they might do is over report their height. Who does that? Kayla? And the boys do that?
That's right, they over report their height. I have just learned when I read a dating app profile that any man who puts he six feet tall is five eleven. That's just it, okay, no five eleven guy, rights. I've never seen five eleven written. Oh, except by the five foot nine guys. They will write five eleven. But yeah, just assume you know, take off an inch. It's okay, it's okay. They also men love to hide their receiving hairlines under baseball caps. Dudes, you
don't have to. We know if every single picture on your profile is you in a baseball hat or some kind of hat. We know, so just give us one. How you really look like? Okay. Also, men are famous for giving themselves better sounding job titles on dating profiles, like literally, I have seen I've never seen a worker. I have seen a founder, a VP, a CEO, a manager of this a sanitary technician.
That's a garbage person, a sanitary technician, right, But I want to warn you there is research from the Kinsey Institute that found that when dates feel deceived, even by ten pounds of body weight, it makes them lose trust from the get go. It makes it hard to believe anything else about this person. So I'm a big proponent of being one hundred percent honest. Now, when it comes to photos, there are a few ways that people deceive.
They either photoshop their own photos, or they use one of the many beauty filters out there, or they use photos that were taken years ago. They don't look like that anymore. There was research done by OkCupid once and it showed that the average age of a photo used as a main profile picture is three years old. That means it's from three years ago, folks.
Because people find a good picture that they actually like and they don't change it, right, But probably more egregious and dark is that some people might actually steal someone else's photo and become a full on romance scammer. A romance scammer you never heard of that. It's people pretending to be somebody else. They always create some kind of reason why they can't meet in the real world, and they earn your love and attachment, and then they ask you to start
sending money, and they can wait you out. It can take ages before you start to do it, all right, What can you do to prevent all of this, not only romance scammers, but also people who you're just seeing and wondering about their photos? First of all, I don't know if you know how to do this, but you can download or take a screenshot of any photo that you find on any dating app. And you know, in that little Google search bar, do you ever look to the right,
there's a little picture of a camera. You click on that it says upload photo, and you can put any photo into a Google search for you shoppers out there. I hate to ruin it for retailers, but I go in stores and take pictures of the merch, upload it into Google and find out where I can get it cheaper. Sorry, it's my favorite trick. I
love doing that. So you will see right away if it's a stolen photo, because you'll find out where that photo actually came from, if they grabbed it from the internet somewhere, or if you're seeing it showing up under different names than the name of the profile. Oh, big red flag. Lock that person, get rid of them. Okay. Now, if you're trying to decide if the photo's been altered, look for slight blurriness or unnaturally smooth
skin. Maybe this shows that they used face tune or something. Anyway, I've got a few more tips when we come back after the break, and I promise to tell you that story about the guy I ghosted who I ran into later that was really awkward. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show
on KFI AM six forty well live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on k I AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio App. We're talking about how to tell if there's a fake photograph or an altered photograph in somebody's dating profile. I mentioned take a screenshot uploaded into Google and do a photo search. Also, there are so many filters people are
using, and ladies, if you're listening, men don't like them. You know what they say, you look like you look like a cartoon, and you do. So don't use filters in your dating profile. Use nice lighting, nice makeup, whatever, but be real because it's jarring when you show up for the coffee date and you don't look like a cartoon. Right, So yeah, look for a little bit of blurriness or unnaturally smooth skin that shows that it's probably been altered. Also, this is what I like to
do. I compare all the photos in somebody's profile and I decide which one is the least flattering. Now, you got to know the person shows those, right, they put them up, and so they think they're all pretty good, but one of them is completely not flattering. That's who they look like. Okay, that's the one that's closest to what they look like in real life. Because nobody's going to put up a picture that they believe is unflattering, so they think it looks good. But you know it's the least
of them all, so that's what to expect. Just focus on that one, don't even look at any of the other pictures. Get your mind ready. You could also do things like, if you're chatting with somebody and messaging them, ask them to take a photo on today's date. Do it together. Go oh, let me see you in your kitchen, or let me see what you're eating right now, and get them to take a picture of whatever they're doing and you do the same. Then you see And also it's
not a bad idea. We did it during COVID. We could do it now. Do a little FaceTime or zoom date before you actually go out in the real world. Why not see who they really are? Okay, this is the time of the show where I'm answering your relationship questions. If you've got a question, Remember I'm not a therapist. I'm a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm a psychology professor. I've written three books on relationships, and i am obsessed with the science of love. I've also had lots of life
experience. Oh speaking which, Oh so, if you want to send a DM, send it on an Instagram to at dr Wendy Walsh. Okay, so I met this guy in a dating app once. We didn't actually talk
on the phone, We just texted back and forth. I was actually traveling and out of town at the time, and you know how you go like into a compartment when you're somewhere else and you get home and you just kind of forget about it, because I was like, oh, well, that was somebody I was chatting with while I was in my hotel room on business
and whatever. So I never bothered. And then like five years later, I'm working on charity project at my kid's school and I meet this dad and we had to talk about some there was something we had to do about planning an organization of this event, and he gives me his number and I said, yeah, i'll text you about the time that we're going to meet for the thing. Blah blah. Nothing romantic, it's just like, hey,
I got to do this whatever. And so I put the number in my phone and the first day I go to make a text, I go, wait, already texted with this person, and then I scroll on back and I see all the sexy, flirty texts from that night and when I was in my hotel room on the road. Oh my god, it was so awkward. I had to send him a text about a charity thing at the school now, and he's going to look at that and scroll back and see
the whole text chain. Caleb, What could I have Could I have deleted the text chain, but he would have seen it in his phone right now. You should have downloaded a Google number at that point and then texted him from your Google. She so smart. And he never mentioned it and I never mentioned. Oh that's lucky, because that could have been really awkward. No, we were both felt awkward about it because he technically was the one ghosted by me. Yeah, that's yeah. He didn't get Hi bring it
up. Oh I know. I felt so bad. That's why I say, don't ghost people. You guys, when you texted him about the charity, I just went forward as normal conversation. He just went forward with a charity like nothing else, nothing else there. And you know we were both reading those textscrolling back. Oh yeah, for sure. And it was like a couple of years before. Like those other texts, they stay in your phone for how embarrassing. Okay, let me go to social media and take
your DMS all right, Hello doctor Wendy, Hello to you. I'm always such a I need closure kind of girl, and I'm trying not to because if I'm being real, what does that even mean? He's been acting strange all week and I let him be the entire day to day. Haven't heard from him. I don't know the history here, I don't know how long you've been dating, but you got right into it, all right, she says. I'm currently fighting the urge to reach out so that we could talk
things out. If I were to reach out, I'd pretty much just say I'm done and won't bother him anymore. But him not reaching out in itself shows me how he really does not care exactly. I'm trying to be a strong woman and it's just so hard. I don't want to give in. I want to be better. How do I do this? What do I do? Okay, So this is a hard one because you know, inquiring minds want to know. We want to know. Is it something we said?
Is it something we messed up on? Yeah? Is he just And you know what, there's always missing information, and I guarantee it's somebody else. He probably already has a girlfriend and started dating you on the side and then made up with a girlfriend or something, and you don't know that. Okay, So I think it might be best to let him go if you can. But I'm like you, so I'll tell you what I've done in
the past when someone's kind of ghosted me. I've waited a period of time, like a good two weeks, two weeks literally, because it gives him a chance to come back and save face in that time. And at the end of the two weeks, I write, hey, I haven't heard from you. I guess that means we're probably not a good match, right, It's like the universe deciding you're a good match, not you don't like him
or he doesn't like you. It's just probably not a good match. It was nice meeting you, And if I run into you sometime, I'll say hello, just keep it light because you might see him again. Leaves the door kind of open. Whatever. But anybody who hasn't called you for two weeks you're not interested in now, So kind of don't let him rekindle at that point, because he can't just do that and come back in just when he wants to. But yeah, I used to write those six and by
the way, get be prepared. They don't usually write back, but it's there, and they've been herd, you've been heard. Okay, it's there. I did write to somebody one time who I had a really great phone call with. It was like we were on the phone for like two hours and we'd met on a dating app and we seem like so connected, and then we had planned to talk or something the next day and I said him a text and it was like, no answer, nothing. So I did
write another text and just said was it something I said? And he no answer. I still think the way you handle it is very classy. Yeah, you're a class act. Just like let him know. Yeah, Hey, that's weird. You don't just ghost? Yeah anyway, Well, the fact that he ghosts tells me he doesn't have enough emotional maturity to be able to be with me anyway. So he proved me I can do the touchdown cheer bad match. Oh right, dear doctor Wendy. Would it be Would
it be okay with your best friend going out with female friends? Oh? BF is boyfriend? I'm thinking best friend right now. Okay, let me go back to it. All the acronyms you guys write, would it be okay with Would you be okay? Would I be okay? Okay with your boyfriend going out with female friends he's dated before? As for me, no, no, no, no, no okay. So I want to tell you all sides of this argument, and you don't have to agree with me.
So we had that guy on our show a couple weeks ago, Christopher Ryan, who wrote the book Sex at Dawn you really should read it about He believes we're all meant to be polyamorous. And he says that we do a weird thing in our culture in that we cut our exes out of the tribe. We literally make them just freaking disappear. Right, So he says we should find ways to have relationships with our exes. I've never found a
way, So I can't advise you on this. But if he's keeping these extra women as potential backup mates, this bothers me because if they've been dating before and had sex before, and you guys are in a downtime, he could think, well, it's not really cheating, it's somebody had sex with before. No, they think like that. They find ways to rationalize it. All right, I'm gonna answer more your questions when we come back. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty. We're
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh on demand from KFI AM six forty. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty, Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. If you want to send me a DM, go to Instagram. That's what producer Kayla is checking right now. The handle is at Dr Wendy Walsh at Doctor Wendy Walsh. Okay, dear doctor Wendy, I have been listening to you for years. Oh, thank you. I love your show. Thank you. Look
at me just reading out the comm elements. I didn't have to read that part. So this gentleman says, I have been in a relationship of convenience for two years. Convenience. That's an interesting word. Not butterfly love, but admiration. Well, admiration's good. However, it's never been like previous relationships where I crave the physical intimacy. I enjoy it, but I don't really feel like hugging or holding hands all the time with her, as I
have in past relationships. I am forty seven, she is forty two. She's extremely uncomfortable during intimacy because she has body issues, and I'm quite the opposite. I like women taking ownership of their appearance. Well that's good, you like women like that. Okay, it works because we kind of have kids the same age. Oh I know about that. Like, it's just I think anyway, he said, I could go on forever. But this woman walked up to me at a dog park the other day and I melted,
not literally. I didn't need to call emergency services. I love it when my listeners write me a whole story. Here. We walked, I found out she is the mother of my kid's friend at school, and she pivoted and literally said, I can't believe she said this. She was so forward. Quote, do we have chemistry here? I'm feeling this is a moment here. I told her, I'm seeing someone. I don't know if you're into the butterflies thing, doctor Wendy, but I'd rather take my chances
seeing if we can start something, even if it crashes and burns. Okay, Am I being fair to everyone here? Well, you are not being fair to the woman. You are having a relationship of convenience with you didn't mention whether you live together. You got to wrap that up first. So here's the thing. Remember was it last week I talked about how to walk
into love instead of falling into love. Falling into love is when you get emotionally hijacked by a cocktail of neuro hormones called lust, love, and attraction, and you end up blowing up lives for a whole bunch of people. It's just like trying a delicious, fabulous drug. You crave this drug so
much that you said you don't even care if it crashes and burns. But guess what you're going to be the last man standing with not a relationship of convenience, somebody who you admire and are helping work through her body issues, and then somebody who you're gonna have a big high with and who knows after
Here's my advice. If you're really attracted to this woman, take your time and walk into love with her, but not until you wrap up what you have going on in your relationship of convenience, Because no, you're not being fair to everyone here. So what you tell miss dog Park is, yes, we had a moment I'm feeling it too. However, I'm a good person, moral person. I like to do things correctly, So give me some time to wrap up what I'm dealing with and break up with my girlfriend.
And then if you're still available, I would love to take you out. That's what you do. That is the right moral way to deal with this. Please please do that, all right? Moving on, dear doctor Wendy, how do I maintain a friends with benefits situation while also dating? Is it possible to do both? I'm not compatible romantically in the relationship with the friends with benefits, but the physical intimacy is just enough. Is there
any way to separate the two and still date other people intentionally? See you listen to my show intentionally? Okay, let me talk to you about human beings. So wouldn't it be great like we have this fantasy right that we're all basically monogamous people, that there's never an overlap. We wrap like I just told that man before, do the right thing, wrap it up, then start the next one. However, it is possible to keep a snacky treat on the side as long as you have very clear boundaries. Kathy,
you never had a snacky treat. I just love the word snacky treat. It's just a little ice cream yeah, like in an ice cream store. Right. But here's the important thing about the snacky treat. You have to have very clear boundaries, and you have to be hyper aware if they are because you know, it's all fun and games till somebody falls in love. Right If they're starting to have feelings for you and they're saying things like they
want to hang out or do whatever, you cut it off. You'd be nice, and you cut it off because you don't want to hurt them right now, when you're dating the other people that you intentionally want to date, that you want to walk into love with, you don't tell them about your snacky treat, of course, but it's probably not a good idea to start having a sexual relationship with them until so at the point where you're ready to
try a sexual relationship with somebody who you've developed some emotional into. This is just my advice, this would be my plan. Okay, there's no textbook on this. I'm just telling you from life wisdom. So you keep your snack treat on stuff as all us girls do. It's a little quiet thing in a compartment. Then you go date with the guys who you want to
be maybe your husband someday. And when you get to the point where you're like, you know, I actually really like this guy and I think I'm ready to have sex with him, then you say to your snacky treat, were going on pause, we are going to stop this. No what if? No? No? I agree with you one thousand percent, But is it the same if a man wrote that question into does he keep his little snacky treat and then just date intentionally on the side as long as a woman's
aware, yep, as long as this snack tree wasn't dating. Until you've had sex with somebody, you don't know them anything, right, Because once you've entered the physical relationship, then you're exposing your potential eggs or your bloodstream to somebody else, or you're potentially caring diseases from the snaky tree to the other person. There's all kinds of reasons why you need to be on the
up and up once you've decided you're entering a sexual relationship. But when you're just exploring and having dinners and conversations and phone calls and texts, you don't owe them anything. Yet am I wrong, Kayla, Like no, no, no, I just want to When I got that question, that was from a man's profile, so I didn't expect your response, but you read it as a woman's perspective, as like, oh so yeah, yeah, it applies both ways. It applies both ways. I think so too.
Now, when I was a teenager, listen, if any teenagers are listening, do not tell your parents that I told you this. But you know that whole sexual double standard where men get points for sexual experience and women get demerit points for the same sexual experience. So when I was in high school and girls were getting these reputations for being a slut terrible, I never wanted to have that reputation. So I just dated college guys and they never knew
about it. I mean I slept with the college guys. I dated the high school guys, and I didn't get yeah no, because I didn't want them to give me a bad reputation. Great advice for the teen and stuff. Yeah, it's what women do, all right. When we come back, can we start to talk about self help? Apparently I need some self help here. Nobody gets through life on scathed. Let's talk about all the self help advice out there that doesn't work. Prove it's not proven by science.
You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show on KFI AM six forty or live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You've been listening to Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can always hear us live on KFI AM six forty from seven to nine pm on Sunday and anytime on demand on the iHeartRadio app.