You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendywall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, there's no worse feeling than being in a relationship and wondering, wondering if your partner's telling the truth to you, Wondering if your partner's cheating on
you, wondering if your partner's leading a double life in some way. Look, I spent years having those feelings because back when I had sort of an anxious, ambivalent attachment style, and I was attracted to avoidant people that their avoidance of emotional intimacy made my mind just run wild with tales of where they could be or what they could be doing. Like my worst fears came alive
in my head because they were so avoidant to me. We also hear in the news all the time stories of betrayal and deception that would curl your hair. You find out like a guy has a whole nother family and they live like a mile away. Didn't I see a billboard, Kaitlin? Last year? Wasn't there a billboard saying have you or did you marry? This man and it's some reality show, a docuseries about a guy who had like fifty wives around America. I don't not remember that billboard. That sounds crazy.
Have you married this man? Right? I mean there are websites and chat rooms that women go on trying to get information. Look how I've put a gender to it. Okay, I am not saying that all men, or even the vast majority of men, are cheaters and deceivers. I am also not saying that all women are angels. However, the research shows that men are more likely to cheat. Men are more likely to practice financial infidelity and
even emotional infidelity in some way. So, but doesn't mean everybody. You might have that great guy, or you might be a guy who's with that deceiving woman. Remember Kayla on your podcast when you had that guest that time the serial cheaters, the serial cheater girl who was married with two cares are engaged with two young kids and just cheat on them all the time. And I listened to it, and I, uh, what's your podcast called pettish?
Pettyish? What's an episode called? Is it called cereal Cheaters? Serial Cheaters? So? Uh, I listened to it and the first thing I thought is this is retribution cheating. She's mad at him, she's not happy with like what she thought she was going to get in this relationship, so she thinks she's gonna quietly get back at him. So anyway, there are women out there who are also practicing lots of deception. So, whatever your gender, if you suspect that your partner is deceiving you, here are ten
signs. I know now I'm gonna make you even more paranoid when I go through the ten signs. But here they are. First of all, unexplained behavior chart changes your partner suddenly doing something different, like suddenly coming home late at night. So the other day, I have a little paranoia inside me to say that I'm a healthy Okay, I have a healthy amount of paranoia. But the other night, right after dinner, Julio is always a dishwasher. He loves to wash dishes, that's his thing. And I happen to
have done quite a goarmet dinner and I use more pots than usual. So I said, honey, let me get a head start on the dishes and kill some of these pots for you, because it's unfair that I use so many pots in you So I get up and I'm washing pots and I feel him walk out the door, and I'm like, that's weird. He's usually right behind me trying to do dishes. And so I'm there with my daughter, We're watching something, and like an hour goes by, he's still not
back. So of course I go on relocation services and I see that he's over at the charging station charging his electric car, which is fine, but usually he would drop it off, maybe have me go and take him back and whatever. Why would he sit there the whole time? Is he talking to his mistress on the phone? Like what is happening? Anyway? When he comes home? They're no secrets in my life. So I'm like, honey, what happened? Where have you been? What's going on on?
You? Going? Longing it? It's a different behavior change, and he's like, oh, I was watching the Michian Gig game, a Michigan game. I didn't think you wanted to watch it, so I might as well thought I might as well sit there and just watch it on my phone. I believe him, Okay, but if you notice unexplained behavior changes, confront them at the beginning. Don't be a snoop to say what's up? And
Okay. The other thing is inconsistent stories. Their stories are not matching up with what they told you before, and you're aware, like this is a different story now, these details have changed. They're not adding up. Might signal that they're deceiving you about something. Also, one of the ways that deceivers try to side rail you so you stop questioning them is they get very defensive, right, so they turn it on you, like why are you
being such a detective or why are you questioning me? Don't you trust me? Right? They get re all defensive. So people who aren't doing anything wrong, Like Julio laughed and said, no, I'm watching the Michigan get here it is at my phone. You're so funny, Like, they don't get defensive because they're not doing anything wrong. Uh. Sometimes you can tell they're deceiving you just by weird body language, Like their body language just seems
a little sketchy. They don't quite meet your eyes, they turn their body away from you. Maybe they're fidgeting. At one time, So I was dating this guy, was a long distance relationship, not good. We met actually at a resort with ocean whatever, and he was getting ready to break up with me, actually ghost me, because that's what dudes do. But I didn't know. So we're in the ocean and I was walking towards him.
We're waist high in the ocean to put my arms around him because we've been dating and we're meeting at a tropical location and the water's warm, and so I'm walking up to hug him, and I felt him step back, just to step back away from me. And I literally said, why are you moving away from me? And he said, well, there's lots of people around whatever. He was an actor, you know, people are looking and I'm like, why trying to hide me? Like, what's it?
Right there? You go, That's what I didn't know. Also, if they are changing their communication patterns, they're avoiding certain topics, they're being vague, they're distant. Oh, here's one way that people lie. When you ask them a question. They repeat the question because it gives them time to think of their lying answer. Or they get silent and hesitate and then go,
huh would you say? Like they literally say nothing and then pretend they didn't hear the question to make you repeat it while they're thinking up the lie. I think that's my automatic go to if I'm being deceptive, I repeat the question, Yeah, are you asking me if I was late for work? Yes, She's never late for work. I am sometimes late for work, but Kayla is never late for work. You know. I have a
funny thing. I've my whole life done live television, live radio, and I have a thing where I like to push it till the very last second. Like I'm the kind of person who runs to the bathroom with sixty seconds before live air adrenaline rush. Yeah, there's somebody when I'm doing my live zooms at Homeless and making appearance on CNN or whatever, I literally will get up and then the control room. I know the texts already set up because
I hear the control room. They've tested my level and they go, okay, we're coming to you right after this commercial break. That is my cue to get up and make a full on latte, like make the steam, the milk, everything. So I'm like, I can do it in one commercial break. I get it's a weird, but you always there when it's time to start. I never am late when they say go, but it's
fun for me. Creates a little adrenaline, all right. And the last thing if you think your partner's deceiving you, it's because they've gone radio silent. All right. They disappear, you can't reach them. They have some excuse later, or they won't allow you to have location services. Come on. If you're in a relationship, you need to do that for safety. If you're meeting them somewhere, you need to see how far away they are. You don't have to call them every time. Location services are paramount.
When we come back, I am going to my social media at Doctor Wendy Walsh. You can send me a private DM Instagram, YouTube, LinkedIn. We check LinkedIn, TikTok. We don't check LinkedIn for that. Those are job offers or something. But anyways, just send me any relationship question. I will keep you anonymous and I'll be happy to answer your questions. Next, you're listening to the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show on KFI AM six forty one
live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeart Radio App. I say that over and over for a reason. You know. If you missed any part of the show, all you do is download the iHeart Radio app. You search doctor Wendy Walsh and boom I come up. Or do you have to search KFI or just
my name will work. Either on it works, and then Kayla puts the entire show up each hour as an hour podcast called Doctor Wendy on Demand, so you can always find if you miss it. Right, So there you go. Right now, I'm going to my social media to answer your relationship questions. Just a reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor. I am the veteran of eighteen years on and off of therapy, and I'm just so obsessed with the science of love. I've been reading about it
for decades. I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and so I'm happy with my wisdom and life experience to weigh in. So thank you for entrusting me with your questions. So let's get to it. First question, Hey, Doctor Wendy, the guy I'm dating has a new girlfriend. Wait, oh wait, not the guy. I'm Dave, the guy I was dating. Gotcha, Hi, Doctor Wendy, the guy I was dating now has a girlfriend who's absolutely stunning, But I can't
believe he still won't leave me alone. Is it wrong that this makes me feel great? Well, first of all, there are no such thing as a right or wrong feeling. Right feelings are messengers, and the messenger is you're feeling a little insecure if this is the thing that's helping you feel better, the fact that your ex is still chasing you and yet he's got a beautiful First of all, do you think beauty is the only thing that matters
to a guy in a relationship. Maybe at the very beginning that's initial attraction, but you know he has to put up with her, and he had to put up with you anyway. I just wouldn't trust a guy who's a cheater, as clearly he is. If he's reaching out to you, his
attention shouldn't matter, you know. I also use this example when older women are cougars and they get so excited when young men are attracted to them, and they feel so good about themselves, so beautiful because all these young men are hitting on them, And I'm like, girl, young men will shoot at anything. Okay, you're an opportunity. They are less selective. Women are far more selective inmates than men are. So it's not right or wrong
your feelings, But I'm just wondering why you're dwelling on it. That's something you might want to ask yourself. Okay, this is short and to the point, doctor Wendy. Married men, why are they on bumble and hinge? How do I weed them out? Why? Of course, there's a simple answer to the why they want to have an affair, And the best way to have an affair is to lie about your relationship status. They're not
gonna. I always crack up, by the way, because sometimes you go on those dating apps and it'll show guys going, I'm in a committed relationship and we are open. My wife knows that I have extra relationships on the side, and I'm just like, I don't think she does. Okay, trying to be on it this open non monogamy nonsense. No, Okay, married men are out there to try to cheat. Your job is to do your girlfriend to girlfriend guerrilla research. Ask everybody you know if they've ever met
this guy. Remember. The good thing about the dating apps now is you can connect your Instagram. You can see who they know and who you know, don't meet a total stranger that nobody knows. You need to be part of the village. And next go online. The internet will tell you if he's married or not. Right now, he's going to say he's separated in the middle of a divorce. And then I want you to think long and
hard about whether that is true and whether that's worth dating. We had a woman call into our show last week who dated a guy for three and a half years who was going through a divorce. He was separated the whole time, and then as soon as his divorce came final, what do you think he did? He got a girlfriend and ghosted her and she works with him. She does to go to work with him every day. That broke my
heart. All right, it's your job to weed them out, which means please slow down the onset of the sexual relationship, take some time to do some research on somebody. But why are they on the dating apps? Because they work, because they can get affairs that way. Doctor Wendy, how do you feel about going to grab a drink on a first date. I think it's okay if that drink is coffee. Now here's my thing. I think the first thing you should do is get off the apps very very quickly.
Don't text a stranger for weeks or months, because then you build up your fantasies about who you think they are, and then you're really embarrassed when you meet them and they're nothing like you imagine they were. So you want to get on the phone pretty quickly, have a nice little phone conversation, and then decide if you want to meet in the real world. But I wouldn't call it a first date. I'd say, Hey, you want to grab a quick coffee and then we'll decide if we want a first date.
Say just like that, I got twenty minutes in between this and that. That's how you should do it, Okay, Dear doctor Wendy, Hi, I am an o pair where you're from. I really don't have any luck dating American men. They all think I want them for a green card, Well do you? I don't know. I'm a human and I really feel ready to fall in love and have a serious relationship, but nobody wants to take me seriously or they start dating me, and after a month they all
have the same excuse. I need space, I don't feel a connection. I'm not ready to date yet. Should I just give up. Oh, she said, I've listened to your worthy of love special and I can relate to not feeling worthy a lot of times. Okay, I want to say this. It's absolutely okay to be ready for love and worthy for love, but for some reason, unconsciously, you're picking people who will abandon you. That's what I used to do when I was young, and it's only through
working with a licensed therapist you can see your patterns. You're missing some signals really early on that these guys aren't ready for a relationship. But I will also say that most O pair contracts are for one year. I don't know where you are in your year, but people do have trouble dating people if they know they're going to leave right They're afraid that you're going to be up
at you know, six or nine months, you'll be gone. And I've heard you know, I moved to Italy with my kids when we were young. They were young, I was well I was, and they I found it really hard to make friends because they knew I was only going to be there for six months. So it was a really kind of lonely time because
of that. So I would say, raise your self esteem by having lots of other social support, making lots of good friends, and if you can, if you've got the money, if you can find a way through health insurance or go to a university clinic, get a therapist to find out why you pick people who will abandon you. Okay, time for one more quick question, doctor Wendy, what's your relationship is supposed to look like when you're four months together. The last month or so, things have been very rocky.
We can barely go a couple of days without getting into a disagreement or triggering the other. We're never really full on arguing, but there's all kinds of these little debates like not eating enough food or something little, and then the whole tone of the conversation changes and then things get back to normal the next day. Is this normal, okay? You know what this is?
This is you guys learning conflict resolution skills and you learning boundaries. Like it's okay to say, you know what, it's not okay for you to talk about how much I'm eating or not. This is me and my body, right. If you're not learning anything and you're not moving forward, then yes, this is a problem. But I do see a red flag when I hear every other day you're getting into conflict. At the four month mark, you're still supposed to be drunk on love now, So yeah, that's that's
a worry for me. Anyway, If you would like to send me any questions on my social media, the handle everywhere is at dr Wendy Walsh at doctor Wendy Walsh. Producer Kayla checks them every week, so thank you for letting me weigh in when we come back. There is one thing that everybody needs to do in their relationship every single day to have more harmony. I'll explain when we come back. You're listening to The Doctor Wendy Wall Show on
KFI AM six forty live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Welcome back to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty Live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You know, I mentioned at the beginning of the show that there's one simple thing that you can do for your relationship every single day to improve it, and it's this get
a good night sleep. I'm serious. There's so much research to show that couples who are getting enough sleep, actually have less conflict, they actually have more harmony, They're able to have more patience with each other. We don't realize it. Even though we're supposed to be getting about eight hours sleep a night, most people are sleep deprived, running around on six and a half hours and say that they feel okay. I see you nodding, Kayla.
Six and a half. Is that all you're getting? Six and a half? Seven? Yeah, that's not enough, okay, So we need to work harder so that our brain goes into deep rem during the night. Spends about twenty five percent of our time in deep rem and that's where we refuel and our brain gets strong enough to be able to deal with the stressors of the day. I would like to introduce a guest who thinks about this all
day long and has actually developed a remedy that can help us out. Jim Pool is a CEO behind an app called New Calm, and he's on a mission to liberate all of us from stress. His app is going to help all of us get a good night's sleep because it's been developed by neuroscientists. Hi, Jim, how are you. I'm doing great, Thank you and thank you for having me and congratulations. I believe you're beginning your tenth year. It's been beginning my tenth year at KFI. Is that crazy? Where
did the time go? You know? I started when I was twelve. Here I was doing the children's hour anyway, So let's talk about sleep. Is it true we need about eight hours on a It's very true that we need about eight hours and what can What do you think are the biggest problems? First of all in us not getting enough sleep. It's not even thinking, it's physiology. We know this to be a fact. Stress and sleep
are incompatible. Now, we don't know this because we have a very limited understanding of stress, and we don't understand stress because the human brain seems to be wholly incapable of fully understanding intangibles. So if I can't see it, touch it, feel it, smell it, taste it, is it real? Yet we know stress impacts us, our patients, our ability, our decision making, our food choices. So when we can't sleep, well, there's one choice it's not stress modulated, and that is obstructive sleep apnea,
because physiologically we have an obstructive their way. Other than that, it is stress causing the sleep challenge. Now. Interestingly enough, doctor Wendy, when we go through puberty, we're home ely dysregular. We lose our circadian rhythm. After that, we glide through the second stage of sleep and we guide through the theta aspect, the frequency range where your body actually does it's healing and reparation during sleep. So how our brains are wired evolutionary challenges our ability
to get that nice sleep. But it's all stress modulated. And what about technology? Though, don't the blue light in our phones and reading late at night on our phones? Isn't that bad for us? To everything is bad for us? COVID was COVID systemically exacerbated a time in human existence that was really challenging. We were living in the second Great Age of anxiety before COVID.
The first Great age was post World War One. So when we're in this state of uncertainty, our such a nervous system, doesn't have the opportunity to relax, so it comes me burning too many calories, which creates stress. But I look at the world from this lens of this fishball, and I'm hard pressed not to see that the human race appears to be in a race to erase the human race very well said. And there's all these variables, so you could pinpoint the food supply. We haven't been eating balanced food
and whole food for decades. We're eating too many neurotransmitters that are excitatory, We're eating too many boodamates, we're eating too many preservatives. So the food supply has changed our amino acid balance in our body. And you can see that through the proliferation of stress and these diseases in the gut. Fifty years ago you didn't see also cold a zero bolls and drunk prones of these, but you do now because everybody's got too much acid in their stomach. Well.
Also, psychologists would call the gut the second brain, and that's a place where stress goes for many many people. Absolutely, So you have the food supply, the environmental toxins. So we've got people. Yes, we got the problem down and with very little time left, I definitely want to talk about the solution. Newcomm and u CLM is an app that can help our brain using neuroscience. How does that work? So we've been around for
thirty four years. We've been doing this for a long time. Complex challenges like sleep and stress require complex solutions, and there's nothing more complicated than the human brain. So since the dawn of humankind, humans have either discovered or found ways to change their state. We're not even aware of this, but we rely on external stimulation that change our mental state. If we're mentally lethargic, we drink coffee, Red Bull Espresso five our energy. If we're in
psychic pain, we drink alcohol. If we're depressed, we take antidepressants. If we're anxious, we take anti anxiety. If we're having sleep issues, we take sleeping pills. What we figured out was there two ways to present
the brain with a signal. There's visual or there's auditory. And in two thousand and nine, after nineteen years of research, we launched a highly regulated classroom medical device called New Call. And what we do is we have about one gigabyte of mathematics, physics, and algorithms that are in a software underneath music, using your ears as a carrier the human being. Here's beautiful music.
Underneath we're using complex physics to present the brain with a pattern. So for deep sleep at night using the speaker, you simply select a deep sleep track on our app, and we program your brain down to zero point five hurts. We put you to sleep. More importantly, during the day, we have a channel called rescue. This is the only patented technology in world
clinically proven to lower stress without drugs. We dial down your brain weigh function to theta theta is seven hurts to four hertz frequency in the sleep architecture that you mentioned earlier, that deep rem well. During the day, we simply shut down your brain and we oscillate and hold you in that state where your body heals. And when you are in that state, your cells are cleaning
their toxins, your lightochondrey is restored. But more importantly, when you think about love and intimacy and relationships and patients, we're putting oxygen rich red blood back into your prefrontal cortex and taking it away from the amygdala and reptile part of our brain, which governs stress and fear. So let's be clear, with very little time that we have left, I'm so sorry, but the constraints of radio that this is drug free. It's a natural way for your
body to release its own neurotransmitters the way it's supposed to. Is that correct? That is absolutely correct? This technology, and how do they find new deliver how do we find new www dot Newcalm dot com. And you're no longer a six thousand dollars medical device. You used to be six thousand dollars six thousand dollars FDA classy medical device. So the only patents in the world, we only served the United States military doctors, pilot's, professional athletes.
And how much is it now? Years ago? As low as fourteen dollars and ninety nine cents per month for a good night's sleep. It sure sounds worth it. Jim Pool, thank you so much for being with us newcom n U C A l M. I'm definitely going to try it. Thank you so much. It's just a pleasure to meet year sim sleep. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Well Show on KFI AM six forty. We're live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand.
Welcome back to the Dr Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. Producer Kayla, how do we get at the home stretch so quickly? I literally blinked and the show's over. I know I want to go home and get a good night's sleep, though I will say maybe my problem is late at night I'm drinking coffee. That's a problem, and not listening to newcom I got you anyway, Before we go, I want to give you a
couple things. One is I promised you that there are some dating trends for twenty twenty four, So if you're single, I want to talk about those. If you're in a relationship, I want to share with you some of my favorite relationship skills that I've learned along the way, put into action in my own relationship and they definitely work. So first, for single people,
what's going on in the dating scene? Well, I am pleased to tell you that the biggest trend for twenty twenty four is something that has been happening since the beginning of time, but should be happening more often. Emotional dating instead of hooking up, instead of situationships, instead of friends with benefits.
Suddenly people are leading with emotional intimacy, friendship, vulnerability, authenticity. That means there's research that shows that one of the number one positive traits that people can put in their dating profile is that they are in therapy. People are looking for mates who are doing the work all right. The next trend is called open hearted masculinity. Gone are the days and the appeal of the alpha male. Now there's a significant number of men who are choosing finally to defy
some of the alpha male stereotypes. Now I want to put this on women. Women, you need to choose these kind of men. If you want kind men who are caring and loving, you've got to choose them as mates. And you've got to reject the traditional quote unquote alpha male who thinks it's cool to be emotionally avoidant and whatever. So men are reporting that the more open they can be, the more they can be vulnerable and express their feelings,
the better their own mental health. In fact, a recent study published in the Journal of Sociology found that men actively distance themselves from conventional and inflexible versions of masculinity. And we're seeing more and more men showing a readiness to adopt softer side, softer expressions. That doesn't mean feminine, it means being human, is what it means, all right. And the third trend in
the single world is living apart together. People in full on monogamous relationships, maybe engaged, may be married, but living apart either because their careers are taking them to different places, or because they want the autonomy of each having their own places, but they are still very much socializing as a couple. I'm not a big fan of this, just saying if you want to have a healthy relationship, you've got to get through the bumps of domestic life.
In my opinion, Okay, we have time for some of my favorite relationship skills that I have adopted in my life and in my relationship with Julio. First of all, when I learned how to make a communication sandwich, it changed everything. I've talked about it before, I'll say it again if you've never tried it, it's delicious. It starts out with let's say you want to criticize your partner, or you want to let them know there's something you're
hoping that they could maybe change in the relationship. It starts out with a layer of love. Then you slather on a layer of something that's a little hard at you on and then you back it up with another layer of love. So what this does it gets their brain out of defense mode. So it starts with a compliment, so they get open, and then you add something a little like but I wish you could fix this little thing, and then you quickly back it up because I love you and I want to stay
together forever and you're just the best thing I ever met. Right with another compliment, and that's how they hear. But if all they hear is criticism, they just get closed and defensive and they're thinking of their comeback. So learn to make communication sandwiches when you have something negative to say in your relationship. All right, the second thing, I've mentioned this over and over,
I'll mention it again, adding novelty. Find new and different things to do with your partner, and guess what they will look new and different and exciting to you. It can be small things, and I'm not talking just sexual novelty. That could be one thing, but I mean just go different places for restaurants or museums or sporting stuff. Just do different stuff. That's good. Also, there is research to show that instead of frequency of sex,
frequency of kissing is more indictive indicative of a healthy relationship. So hold hands more, kiss more, touch more. When you touch each other, both your bodies release dopamine, the feel good good hormone that reduces stress and anxiety. So one of the reasons why some couples don't engage in a lot of kissing is because they think it's telling their partner that they want to have sex.
So they're either like pressuring their partner to have sex they don't want to, or if they kiss their partner, they're saying I want to have sex when actually I don't want to. I think the two of you need to discuss that kissing can and should be often and alone experience that doesn't necessarily go anywhere except to the closeness that the two of you want to share together. And having said that about sex, yes, it's okay to schedule sex,
talk about it, put it on the schedule. It can take women three days to get ready for sex. Honestly, there's some stuff we got to do, personal hygiene thoughts, things that we have to do get our head ready for it. So put it on the schedule and finally have some kind of daily check in that is not about the day to day scheduling of your life. Did you pick up the kids, did you get the dry cleaning? Are you going to do the dishes? Are we going to drive there?
What day are we going to this? Do we have that dinner next? Week. No, literally look into the eyes of your partner once a day and say are we good? Everything okay? Do you need me to change anything? How are you doing? How are you doing? Baby right? Do that every single day. A check in that doesn't have anything to do with a schedule. So these are my favorite relationship ship skills. Communication sandwich, add some novelty, kiss a lot, and do a daily emotional
check in. Honestly, relationships are far more about skill than luck, and anybody can learn relationship skills. Another thing, kayl I'm doing before we go, I want to tell people I mentioned on my Patreon they can come into my zoom rooms on Wednesday. But we have also put my podcast Mating Matters up there as well. I have a series of very short books there. It's a seven volume series on smart love hacks, and the first one went up on Patreon this week. Volume number one is Smart Sex Hacks, so
you can find that on my Patreon. That's patreon dot com slash doctor Wendy Walsh. But I am always here for you every Sunday from seven to nine pm on KFI AM six forty. Thanks for being with me. We'll see you next week. KFI AM six forty on demand