You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand AFI Am six forty. You have Doctor Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Doctor Wendy Walsh Show, the first one of the New Year. Happy New Year. It's twenty twenty four. Do we ever think we'd get here? Oh? My goodness, we are now entering. Are we really entering my tenth year at KFI? Wait? If I started in twenty fifteen, do you count twenty fifteen. I'm gonna have to do that math and figure that out. If you are
new to my show. I have a PhD in clinical psychology. I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor at cal State Channel Islands, and I got to get my courses ready because we're going back to school before you know it, in another week or so. Yes, we are back. I am obsessed with the science of love and interpersonal relationships, whether those relationships be romantic or whether they're friendships, whether they are workplace relationships, family relationship.
I have been reading the science on this and I definitely want to share it with you. Also, news in relationship news I study that I read just today. New research in social psychological and personality Science that's a magazine for nerds social psychological and personality science. This research says that the way you feel about your close relationships can affect the way your body's functioning. I've always said this
that relationships, good relationships, healthy relationships are good for your health. Toxic relationships can be bad for your health. So in this study, they took four thousand people. They made them check in daily using an app, of course, and every three days they shared reflections on their closest relationship. They had to talk about positive and negative experiences. And guess what they found out.
On average, people with more positive experiences in their relationships reported lower stress, better coping ability, lower blood pressure, and just basic better physiological functioning versus those who reported more negativity. So there you go. So I am obsessed with the science of love, partly because it's good for our health.
It's also good for our mental health. And if you've been listening to me for a while, you know that I was a single mother for eighteen years and on this show a few weeks ago, I became engaged to my sweet Julio, who appeared on the show on My Worthy of Love special. And so now the internet has been listening to my conversations, and now every single
ad that's presented on Instagram and everything has to do with something bridal. But I don't think the Internet has figured out my age because some of those bridal dresses. Have you seen the bridal dresses? Like? Has the porn industry got a hold Like? Isn't the white thing historically supposed to represent virginity? Not these dresses. There's nothing virginal or pure about these dresses. Anyway. I will not be wearing one of those folks. Even Julio said maybe she'd
just find a nice pantsuit. What's he saying? What do you think he means by that? All Right, As I said earlier to Tiffany, I want to prophesize. I want to make a prediction that twenty twenty four will be the year where we get away from our computer screens, get out from under our phones, and get out into the real world. L is a trending hashtag IRL stands for in real life. And I think we're tired of
quarantine. We are tired of the whole just doing too much on tech and zoom, and I think this is a time where we're going to get out more. I have my book group, so I do get to see those ladies regularly. Over the holidays, I attended a lot of parties and it was just so refreshing to get out there and see people. This morning, I took my daughter to charge her car, but we were she flew off
to Paris. You know, she lives in Paris, that girl. But she wanted to have her last coffee sitting by the ocean somewhere in La So the closest where there was a car charger and the ocean happened to be at Malibu Countrymart. We went over there early this morning. And I don't know if you know, but on Sunday mornings it's sort of classic car mornings. All the guys that have either the classic cars or the supercars, and nowhere to go but go have coffee and talk with other guys who have cars like
that. I say, guys, a lot of women have these cars too. Okay, my friend Tina has a beautiful classic car. Fine, but it's mostly dudes. And so they were sitting around talking and my daughter said, why are they just hanging out here? It's kind of weird. And then it hit her she said, oh my goodness, mom, this is irl. There are people getting together for no reason that they have. Then they have a common interest. I'm like, there you go. Then we
walk across pch and we go over to Malibu Lagoon. There's another group of young people. Is shocking. What I'm going to say this next thing young people bird watching mm hm. And they were out there being naturalists. And she said again, look at that a group getting together. I'm like, yeah, cool, huh. You know I'm not big on religion. If you are and you follow a faith or a religion, I honor that and I'm proud of you. This is wonderful, great, it's good for you.
Because I teach health psychology. The research shows that when people of practice religion, they actually have better mental health. And part of it is the community, right, making yourself get up and go somewhere on Saturday mornings, et cetera. So I encourage you this year to reach out and find a group, and you may have to groupop a little bit till you find your
people. If you don't know where to start, you can just go online no starts online online to something called meetups dot com and you can just put in your zip code or your subject matter and you can find anything gardening clubs, book clubs, classic car clubs, chess clubs, volunteer at organization clubs, everything, it's all there. But I want you to get out see some people. It's important. Okay, Finally, let me tell you what's coming up in the show. Just like Dove right in. You know,
January is divorce month. It's you know, divorce takes two to four years before it actually happens. It's just that the filings take place January and February. And I'm gonna explain why and who's doing them mostly and how to prevent it from happening in your marriage. And also if you're somebody who uses your
emotions as weapons, I know, I know, blame your mom. You learned it from your mother, right, I'm gonna sort of teach you some of the things that are probably not a healthy way to deal if you are using your emotions as weapons, and what you can be doing instead. I also want to make a note that I mentioned Over Christmas, I went back to Canada to Ottawa, saw a lot of family. We had between oh gosh, fifteen and twenty people for dinner every night, so it was great
fun. Putting out those big meals. Not so fun cleaning up after, but it's part of the deal and it was just wonderful to have all that community. But one set of family members had just lost a grandmother to assisted suicide, which is very common in Canada. Assisted death. She got up in the morning, this has been planned for quite some time. She made muffins for the grandkids. She hugged and kissed them all goodbye. The doctor came to the door, she went into the bedroom and put on her favorite
outfit and that was that. So it brought up conversations about this. Now. I think we have about fourteen states that allow physician assisted dying, end of life stuff. But here's an interesting thing. What they're debating now in Canada whether to extend this law to the mentally ill. Uh huh. So wait, you got one set of mental health professionals trying to prevent people from taking their own lives. Then you got another set of medical professionals helping people
suffering from depression and other disorders helping them pass away. It doesn't seem to make sense. So the government is going to decide in March. It's been since twenty fifteen that the Canadian Supreme Court decriminalized assistant death. Now, in order to have a physician assist with your death, you have to wait ninety days, nice cooling off period. Boy, we should do that with if you want to buy a gun too, shouldn't we? Good idea? Ninety
days. You have to be approved based on the assessments of two independent physicians, and one of the physicians has to be a specialist in the patient's actual illness. So if it's cancer, it's oncology, et cetera. But what and so last year about thirteen thousand Canadians had their deaths assisted by physicians. And the question really is should we extend this in that country or this country
to the mentally ill. I don't know. I mean, my feeling is no. I mean, I know many mental health professionals who have dedicated their lives to try to keep people from harming themselves. So why But then, you know, I've read quotes from people who have been suffering from long term depression that's not responded to treatment, and they say they're suffering as much as anybody with a physical illness, and they're saying that it is taking away their
rights, their freedom and their rights. I don't know the answer, but I do know that when you're suffering from mental health problems, you're probably not in a good place to be able to be making decisions about your own well being. There is that problem anyway. I wanted to bring it up because if it's happening there before long, it's going to be coming here and it's going to be a debate that we're going to have to start to think about. On that note when we come back, I've got some ways to help
you improve your own mental health this year. There's some things that we all can and should be doing so that we can feel better. You're listening to the Doctor Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand I Am six forty. You have Dr Wendy Walls with you. This is the Dr Wendy Walls Show. Okay, sont health is partly genetic, you know, we have predispositions. It's also partly what just happens to us in life.
Life is hard for everybody. Don't look at those people who are on Instagram and seem to have perfect lives, or those your neighbors who seem to be wealthier than you, they still have the same amount of problems. The very act of going from completely vulnerable newborn depending on others for your safety, and then onward into independent adult and eventually declining towards death is a painful thing.
Stuff happens along the way. But part of our mental health is genetic, part of it is environmental, but a big chunk of it has to do with what we're doing, our actions, our behavior. And there are few things that I want you, and you know I've mentioned them in the past. I've mentioned them in different ways, but I want to clearly say if maybe you haven't made a New Year's resolution yet and it's time, I want to clearly say that we all, including myself, need to be doing more
of these things just to take care of our mental health. In other words, don't blame the people in environment don't blame your genes, blame your behavior. If you're not doing these things. Now, if you do all these things and you're still not feeling good, then we got to talk about a therapist for you. But let's go through it. I have seven ways to improve your mental health. Get out of pen in twenty twenty four. A
lot of It's very simple. Number one, get more sleep. It's one of my goals to try to get more sleep, whether it's getting my hormones in balance, or making sure I turn off screens early enough, making sure I stop caffeine at a certain time. You know, getting enough sleep is one of the most important things you can do for your mental health. And did you know that research shows that cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia is just as
effective as taking some kind of sleep medication right. In fact, there is actually a website you can go to to find a practitioner who does nothing more than help people get a good night's sleep, and that website is I should have Caleb post it on our website. Here is behavioralsleep dot org. Behavioral
sleep dot org. Figure out what's causing your sleep problems. There's research to show that one of the easiest things that a therapist who does couple's therapy can do for a couple to make their relationship happier is to simply teach them how to have better sleep. Because when you're chronically a little bit overtired, you're also a little bit always on edge and it's hard to be open and loving and receptive and encouraging with your partner. Right, get more sleep. That's
number one. Okay, number two, I want you to learn how to have appropriate anxiety. Now, stay with me. It's really normal for all of us to feel anxious sometimes. In fact, anxiety is a messenger. Anxiety is like, eh, you know what, I don't think I'm doing the right thing. I don't like the way it feels. I got to change this thing. Right. That's good anxiety. But some people have anxiety that's an alarm system that goes off all the time when it needn't. So
if you're noticing that you've got constant background anxiety, you're worried. You're fearful then, or maybe you're ruminating, like whatever thing that's bothering you won't leave your head. You're thinking about it over and over and over and over. I mean, think about it somebody. Let's say somebody calls you and says, oh my gosh, it was so great running into you. You looked so beautiful. If your first thought is don't I usually look good? What
am I looking old? Why did she feel she had to mention at this time? Uh? Huh that's anxiety you don't need, right, or if you're like a downer. I'm gonna book this spring vacation, but I know I'm probably gonna have to cancel it because something's going to come up with work. I won't get to go. That's background anxiety you don't need. I want you to enjoy life and be excited about the good things. Okay. The third thing you can do for your mental health. I learned this when
I was a patient in therapy for years. I said to my therapist, I don't know what it is, but when I clean my house, I feel better. And she said, when we organize our external environment, it helps us organize internally. So number three is set your house in order. When people have mental health that's starting to slide, their environment gets real sloppy, the laundry and the dishes pile up, the bathtub gets a ring around it, and so we need to learn how to take the time to organize.
I don't know about you, but I can't cook a meal until I clean that kitchen first. I can't sit down at my desk to do anything until I organize the desk. Right. So, if you're not feeling well, I want you to put on some music, some happy music, and pick and put shine and sparkle, fold and stack. Honestly, you'll feel so much better, all right. Number four, it's a hard one for
some people. Embrace aging. There's a classic study that found that people who were optimistic about aging lived seven and a half years longer than those who had negative perceptions of it. Look, you're in Los Angeles. I'm going to tell you right now, get off the plastic surgery treadmill and get onto the keep your brain young kick. That means learn to embrace your crystallized intelligence.
I teach that in my developmental psychology class. Crystallized intelligence, that's the wisdom you have from a lifetime of experience, and then share it with someone younger than you. Eric Erickson called this stage the stage of generativity. Teach, volunteer, help out, share your knowledge, and stop looking in the mirror. You're not about your skin or the hair that's fallen out or growing in the wrong places, whatever it does. Just think about your brain and keeping
it beautiful because you're beautiful, okay. Number five, adopt good digital hygiene. I ask my students sometimes in my health class to do a project on digital hygiene. They're twenty years old, nineteen years they don't know what this is. Look, if you find you're losing the ability to focus, is because you're scrolling too much, you're swiping too much, you're clicking through too much. Okay, do you have trouble reading a long work of fiction?
Now? Uh huh, that's called trouble focusing. I'd like you to start taking tech breaks. If it's hard for you, start with is twenty minutes, just twenty minutes, Turn off all technology and breathe or do the dishes, whatever, just don't think about tech. Set some rules for your tech use at home. No phones at meals is a good one. How about all screens off at least an hour before bed. Oh that will also help
your sleep. Huh, we're talking about that all right. Two more things when we come back that will help improve your mental health in twenty twenty four. Also, are you somebody who uses your emotions as weapons? We need to talk. You're listening to the doctor Wendy wall Show on I AM six forty Relive everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand. Ok, by AM six, you have doctor Wendy Walsh with
you. This is the Doctor Wendy Waalsh Show. All right, two more things I want to mention that will help improve your mental health in twenty twenty four. Remember what I've said already, Adopt good digital hygiene, embrace aging, get more sleep, have appropriate anxiety clean up, set your house in order. And finally, I know I'm gonna say it, exercise. There's
so much research to support this. Exercise can improve your mental health because it reduces anxiety, depression, and your negative mood, and it improves your self esteem. It feel good when you're working out. It even gets a flush of blood to your brain and improves your cognitive function. It increases levels of good neurochemicals like seratonin, which is natural antidepressant. It reduces stress hormones. And regular exercise can also help you sleep better. Uh huh, sleep better
and that's good for your mental health. And finally, give thanks. You're here. It's twenty twenty four, you're breathing. You've been given a life to live. It's time to stop comparing yourself to other people, people that might appear to have more. I want you to look at the smallest gifts around you. And give thanks because your life is good, it is worthy, and you are here, all right. That's all I want to say about that. You know some people use their emotions in a kind of negative
way. Let me explain. First of all, emotions are our natural, normal reaction to experiences, events, situations, people. We have six basic emotions, of which there are lots of secondary emotions that come off of, but the basic ones are sadness, you know that feeling, happiness, fear, anger, surprise, and you discussed good emotional health means managing your emotions. Now, let me be clear. Managing your emotions does not mean suppressing
them. It does not mean not expressing them. It does not mean ignoring them. Managing your emotions means becoming aware of them, treating them as welcome messengers, and asking yourself, huh, what is this messenger saying? Is it saying to you you need to do more of this, this is great, or you need to do a little less of this, like talking to that person, whatever it may be. I always listen to my stomach.
Psychologists call our gut a second brain, and I'll get this feeling in my stomach first before I even have thoughts attached to it and then I go, huh, what's that? What's that grumbly feeling in my stomach? And then I turn it over, I analyze it. I think about, oh, yeah, that person said that thing to me and it kind of hurt. I wonder if that means that They're not going to talk to me anymore, or I'm gonna lose my job, or I'm getting fat or what does that
mean? Right? Right? So we start to turn it over and think about it. So unfortunately, so many people were not given that skill. I learned mine in eighteen years of therapy. Okay, I highly recommend it. But some people, when they have feelings that are uncomfortable and negative, and especially in their intimate interpersonal relationships their romantic relationships, they weaponize their emotions.
They use their emotions as weapons instead of important messengers. So how do they use it as they basically hurt their partner in one of the three. They either ignore or suppress their feelings and that maintains the status quo in the relationship, and they just hope those negative feelings will disappear. They never do. They come back bigger and bolder, and then people say to me, I don't know what happened. I don't know why I said that. I
don't know why I did that. I'm like, mm hm. You're also having a false relationship with your lover if you are ignoring and suppressing your feelings. The other thing people tend to do to get rid of negative feelings is
they blame their partner. There's actually something in psychology called it was developed by Melanie Klein called projective identification, and that's a defense mechanism where you project qualities that you don't like about yourself, and so you put them onto somebody else and then the other person because you know, especially narcissists, they pick people who are really you know, empaths and compassionate. So these other people take
it in and they adopt those qualities. They actually believe it about themselves, right, not good. And finally, people who weaponize their emotions, they toss their feelings to their partner like a hot potato, and their partner takes the bait. An example would be anger. Here's the crazy thing about anger. When you blow up at somebody and then they get angry, you feel a little bit better for a minute. You get a little relief because now
they're doing the show. You have just passed that hot potato to them. So here are some negative ways in relationships how people use emotions as weapons. They cry to get their partner to stop talking about a difficult subject. Sorry, no more crocodile tears. Just sit there. You can cry if you want, it's okay. It's a natural release of stress hormones in your tears. That's great, but you can't use it to try to get your partner to stop bringing up the uncomfortable thing. Or as I said, they get
angry at the other person so they'll get some relief. Oh, or this one, they try to lay some guilt right. They figure they can make their partner feel guilty, then this negative feeling will go away. Or they use the silent treatment. They punish their partner with silence only because their partner's trying to bring up something that needs to be talked about that's a little bit difficult. Or they just ignore or refuse to talk about painful subjects. Oh,
and here's the big one. I'm sorry, I have no patience for this anymore. You see, here's the thing. When I was coming up in the world, I was a highly empathetic, compassionate person. I had a mother that was that way, relatives that are that way. It runs in our family. It's really great if you're a parent of a small child,
because you need to give lots of empathy to them. But the other thing is people could manipulate me so easily by playing the victim, because the sweet Catholic Canadian in me would be like, what do you need love, how can I help you? Okay, and then boundary lists they would deplete me in my giving. Now, when I hear that victim card start to get waived, I'm just like, m mmmmm, that's not an identity,
Okay, not an identity. So when somebody says to me, but I'm having a hard time, Okay, this is hard for me, you know what, it's hard for everybody. Let's talk about solutions. Let's focus on the future and solutions. Yeah, so what you need to do instead? You need to if maybe your partner is weaponizing emotions, so you need to say, hey, it's okay to get angry, but it's not okay to
hit things or slam doors okay. Or you can say I understand that you feel sad and it's okay if you cry, but that doesn't mean I'm going to change the subject. We need to talk about this. Or you can say it's okay that you're feeling frustrated, but it's not okay to call me names might set up boundaries and rules. You might say, I know you're
afraid of certain topics, but we can't put them off forever. We need to talk about this, and when you're really finally ready to learn new ways of relating, seek couple's therapy, because your relationship can always get better when you learn how to fight there all right, when we come back, I think I'm gonna go live on something. Where should I go? Instagram? Instagram? We're gonna go live on Instagram. I want to do how to
beat the paradox of choice on dating apps. People complain about dating apps all the time. Dating apps are not the problem, it's how we use them. I'll explain. You're listening to the Dr Wendy Wall Show on KFI AM six forty. We live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app. You're listening to KFI AM six forty on demand I Am six forty. You have Dr Wendy Walsh with you. This is the Dr Wendy Walls Show. I'd like to welcome my Instagram audience. Hey, everybody, how are you? If you'd like
to sort of watch us here in the studio, I say us. Kayla's over there on the other side of the camera, but she's here. I'm not alone, and you're welcome to go on my Instagram Right now, I'm live at doctor Wendy Walsh at Dr Wendy Walsh, and in a few minutes I'm going to be taking your calls and answering your social media questions about relationships. Reminder, I'm not a therapist. I'm a psychology professor, but I'm
a little bit obsessed with the science of love. I've written three books on relationships, did a dissertation on attachment theory, and I think about the research all day long and how we're changing. I see people are watching from all over the country, which is always fun. I posted the number up there at the end of the segment. I'll give the phone number again if you want to call in. All right, How to beat the paradox of choice
that come along with dating apps? It seems like more than ever people are saying to me dating apps don't work. I'm going to try to find somebody the old fashioned way, even though the research shows that most people who are coupling up, and indeed those who are getting married, met on an app. So the apps aren't all bad. Just like back in the day we used to go nightclubs, Not every night club was bad. It was what night you went and how long you've stayed and who you accepted a dance or
a drink with. Right, So it's about your skills, and the biggest skill is your skill of trying to discern your skill of discernment about who could be potentially a good mate or not using such flimsy little information like a profile. So the biggest problem with dating apps is yes, dating apps are not designed to find your mate. They're designed to get you addicted to the app because you're a customer, right, And they do that through something called paradox
of choice. Now, you've got to remember what your brain is wired for. Back in our anthropological past, and we are running around an old machinery in our brains, we probably never laid eyes on more than one hundred and fifty humans during our entire lifespan. Right today, you probably see one hundred and fifty if you live in an urban center in any given day. You see them on sub you see them in traffic, You see them in restaurants
and nightclubs and grocery stores and gyms and all the places you go. So dating apps suddenly presents you with potentially thousands of new mates, and your brain when it's presented with too much choice, whether it's a romantic mate or a buffet who has one entree. When they go to sit down at a buffet, they take their plate and they say, I think I'm gonna have chicken. They put the chicken on the plate and then they go, oh, wait, there's a little try tip there. Maybe just have a little bit
of that. Then they put the try tip on and they go, oh, lasagna, I haven't had that in a while, right, let's just a little bit. I have that too. That's what dating apps do to our brains. Okay, they make you unable to make a choice, and the worst part is when you do make a choice, it makes you value that choice less. So the apps are biohacking your brain. What can you do to fix this? Well, there's research to show you should be doing.
First of all, I know this sounds counterintuitive, but I want you to think more positively about being single. And what I mean by that is this. A study published in Computers and Human Behavior found that the extensive choice offered by dating apps have the unintended consequences of making people develop a fear of being single. They start to think, why am I still single when so many perfect people are out there? So it slowly starts to erode your self
esteem. So what I want you to do is I want you instead to say I'm a great catch. Not only am I a great catch, I'm too busy to go out on very many dates because I'm doing so much in my exciting life. Build a life for yourself. Don't be someone who's longing and lonely. Be someone who has a very rich life with lots of different kinds of friends and coworkers. Okay, second thing you need to do so the apps don't biohack your brain. And this is really important and the most
important one. Instead of seeing potential in every single profile, I want you to start off by eliminating I want you to before you even open a dating app, to write down five things that you would never put up with. Now. It might be somebody living outside of your zip code. It might be somebody who's a smoker. It might be somebody with a certain political affiliation whatever. Maybe you come up with your five things and say, no matter
what I am, I'm not gonna swipe on that person. And if we're starting to text and I find out that they're one of those five things, I'm gonna end things right away. Because here's what happens. People have this weird tendency. You know how they say absence makes the heart grow fonder. It's actually the opposite. Familiarity doesn't breed contempt. Familiar larity breeds love. The more you talk to somebody, the more you see them, the more you think, oh, I must like them. And all of a sudden
you're dating somebody who's completely inappropriate. Now you've given them five dates because you're in love with hope. You keep thinking it's gonna happen. But they had one of your five deal breakers from the beginning, and you went forward anyway. Why are you laughing, Kate? Have you ever done that before?
All the time. I've been there too. But also I think women are like, oh, give him a chance, he seems really nice, right, No, you need to go Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope until Finally there's this one person on the app, one person standing there on that app, and you're like, oh, I can't find anything wrong with them. I guess I'm gonna have to go of a cup of coffee. Now is me and Julio? Now he's my fiance yay Land in the wedding? Excuse me? Okay? And finally, I used to do this
too, take dating app breaks. There's research to show that your brain gets fatigued with decision making. Too much decision making fatigues your brain. They actually did one study on judges. Did you know In the morning, the judges in court gave much more lenient sentences, and by afternoon they were so tired of making decisions they were just giving everybody. Send it everyone away. Look I feel it when I'm grading papers as a professor, I always shuffle them.
Never do them alphabetize. That would be terrible. My last name is Walsh. I know what that feeling is. Okay, Literally, I'll find myself going looking for more negative things later on because I'm just tired, right, I'm just why I get them a good grade? So I stop myself. I go back five or ten papers or grades, and then I just say do it another time. So take a break from those dating apps.
Okay, take a break, all right when we come back. If you have a question about your relationship, remember I'm not a therapist, I'm a professor, but I am a woman of the world with lots of life wisdom and I would love to weigh in on your love life. The number is one eight hundred two zero one KFI. That's one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. When you call in, you can be anonymous,
change your name whatever. I know. These are intimate topics. Producer Kayla's going to take the call right away and then we'll put you on air. So if you have a question about life, love, relationships, et cetera, let me weigh in. Why not one eight hundred five two zero one five three four. You are listening to the Doctor Wendy Walls Show on KFI AM six forty. Were live everywhere on the iHeartRadio app KFI AM six forty on demand