Dr. Good Vibes contains strong language, adult themes, and depictions of high impact sex and or violence. This podcast is recommended for mature audiences. Listener discretion is advised.
This is The Late Shift with Dr. Good Vibes on the Jawbone Podcast Network. If you're listening to this, it's probably time to go to bed, but we assure you It's not yet time to go to sleep.
Hal. Hal.
Huh? What?
What did you think?
Of what?
The new bumper.
Oh, oh, uh, oh, uh, right. Sorry. Um, honestly, I, I, I don't hear a difference.
They changed the backing track slightly. It's faster.
Okay.
And the wordings changed. It used to be, hold on. But definitely not time to go to sleep.
And what is it now?
But we assure you, it's not yet time to go to sleep.
Okay.
So you're fine with it?
Sure. Yes. Approved.
Great. I'll let them know. Thank you.
Have you met the voice actor that does all our promos?
What?
The voice actor that does all the, all the bumpers and all that stuff. Like I, like I picture her a certain way in my head, but I don't know, I've always been curious.
Yeah, it's a Vocaloid.
A what?
A voice synthesis computer.
Really?
Yeah. For years now they use it for all the promos.
Is that allowed?
Apparently.
Wild.
Aw, did Hal have a little crush on the robot?
Yeah, I think I might have. I should probably examine that.
Good call.
Do I even want to know why we're changing our bumpers for the fourth time in six months?
Not unless you want to hear about per listener audio engagement micrometrics.
It will shock you not at all to discover that I do not.
They also mentioned that people seem to like it when you speak French and refer to me as Nurse Katie. So they want you to do both of those things more.
Really?
Apparently.
Fine. Certainly not the worst set of network notes we've received.
Agreed. Okay. Done. You ready? Hal!
Mm. Uh, yes. Yes. Ready. Who have we got?
Two live calls. One's right up first, and we'll do the other after lunch. I've got three pre records and one write in. I'll read that one out to you, but Noah's gonna come in after you leave and record the VO for it.
Ah, good for him. Is he around? I could use a top up.
He's doing a production attachment with that Simpsons rewatch in Studio 6 this week.
Oh yeah? Which, which one?
Tope's Lose, I think. The one with the guy that, uh, voice actor who played Santa's little helper?
Don't know who that is.
The dog.
Okay.
Fun fact.
Alright.
He also played Scooby Doo in. Scooby Doo.
So the man's got range.
Including the feature film adaptations like the one with Freddie Prinze Jr.
Pushing the definition of fun fact a little bit here.
Making him the third highest grossing actor of all time.
Well, I take it back. That was genuinely unexpected. I withdraw my sass. How do you store away all of this potentially useless information?
It's kind of the job.
Hey, Katie.
Mm hmm?
Have you, um, have you heard anything from that girl?
Which girl?
The girl with the boyfriend, the sadist.
Alana?
Yes.
Mm hmm.
Yes, Alana.
Are you, sorry, are we pretending you don't remember her name after all that, uh
Farore? Rigmarole? Kerfuffle?
Sure, after all that kerfuffle you caused over her being named after your ex.
Must have slipped my mind.
Right. Nothing yet, but it's only been a week since the show dropped. I'm sure she'll be in touch.
True.
What was her real name again? Rachel? Reba?
Ruby. Uh, something like that. Rudy, maybe.
No, you were right. It was Ruby. What is it? Not another ex, surely?
Uh, no. Of course not.
Uh huh.
You, uh, you ready?
Whenever you are.
Great. Good. Well, let's get started then.
All right. Mic's live. Three, two,
Good evening and bienvenue. This is the Late Shift and I am your erstwhile guide to the glorious depths of love, sex, and sensuality. Dr. Good Vibes. With me as always is the ever reliable Nurse Katie Bradley.
Good evening, Doctor.
So, draw a bath, light some candles, and let's explore this wondrous world of depravity, debauchery, desire, and devotion together, you and I. Nurse Katie, who is our first patient?
Up first tonight is Marissa, she her, who has a new boyfriend and a terrible secret.
Oh, how titillating. Thank you for not burying the lede. Let's begin.
Marissa, you're on with the doctor.
Good evening, Marissa. How can I help?
Hello there, Doctor.
Oh, my goodness.
Is something wrong?
Oh, uh, no. Not at all. Please, go ahead. You have a
New boyfriend?
Yes. Please, tell us all about it.
Oh, uh, okay. Of course. Well, I've started seeing this boy who I work with.
Risky. But, Sometimes unavoidable. What kind of work do you do?
Oh, um, textiles. Textile manufacturing and wholesale.
Oh. Well, believe it or not, I know a little bit about that work, or I used to. A warehouse full of soft silk and linen can be an unexpectedly romantic setting. Sensorial. Begging to be touched.
I mean, sure, that's true. But we mostly work in the head office.
Of course. Forgive me. You were telling us about a boy.
He's cute. Young. Younger than me, by a few years, but sweet, charming. Honestly, not my usual type, but very good looking. Just, young.
How young?
He's just turned 22.
Mm, and you are?
39.
Ah, well, look, that is a large age gap. I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. But if you have a lot in common, it's not like it can't work.
Exactly. He's very mature for his age, driven, forward minded, and he, I'll be honest, pursued me very aggressively.
Sounds like a young man who knows what he wants.
Very much so.
And how is it going?
Honestly? Incredible. He's attentive, generous, we've been on eight or nine dates, and they've all been just wonderful.
Aw.
Love to hear it.
He's very old fashioned, you know? Flowers, opening doors, I have no idea where he picked this stuff up.
Ugh, I'm jealous.
You sometimes see this with younger men, especially if they've grown up on a diet of romantic movies or literature. They have an ideal of what an adult courtship looks like that, even if it is a little archaic, can be quite refreshing in the age of ad supported, algorithmic, app based qu'es de cours.
Refreshing is the word. I'm not sure I've ever been treated so well. I was so apprehensive about letting him take me out, but he kind of wore me down with his sweetness. Not actively, just by existing like he does.
He sounds like quite the suitor. And I hate to bring the mood down here, Nurse Katie mentioned something about a terrible secret.
Yes.
And were those her words or yours?
Mine.
Oh dear.
So he's
What's the young man's name?
Tim.
Tim.
Tim hasn't been with He's
A virgin.
Yes.
He told you this?
Yes, before we even started dating. It just sort of came up at a work event.
And did this make him more or less appealing in your eyes?
I, uh, neither, I guess. But it tracked. I could already tell he was interested in me, and the way he was pursuing me, or more accurately, not pursuing me, suddenly made sense.
Well, context is everything.
Even now, he seems perfectly content taking it slow. We've only kissed, held hands, it's all been very proper.
You, uh, sound as if you're enjoying it.
I am. Really, it's so You said it already. Refreshing.
And this is your secret terrible?
Nice.
Thank you.
No, it's not about him. It's about me.
Please, go on.
I've never been married. I don't have any children or anything, but I've Been around, if you catch my meaning, especially when I was his age.
I, uh, think that I do.
We're talking triple figures.
Oh, okay. Now I do.
He hasn't asked about, well, anything in that area, of course. And though he instigated things, romantically speaking, to be honest, he seems very reluctant to initiate anything intimate, any sort of physical escalation. Doctor?
Yes. Physical escalation. Hardly surprising, considering his age and inexperience.
And I don't know whether or not to tell him. He's certainly not the type of person to ask about my body count. But I'm starting to feel like if I let this continue, it's going to come up. And he's so romantically inclined that if it feels like I've hidden it from him, it will break his heart.
I understand.
I keep thinking about the fact that, and I know how this sounds, I lost my virginity before he was born. I've been sexually active longer than he's been alive. It's not like I haven't noticed our age gap, but that makes it feel enormous.
Marissa, can I tell you what I think?
Please, Doctor.
By any And all, contemporary standards, your young paramore is considered an adult. Fully in control of his faculties, capable of purchasing a home, drinking in a bar, fighting in a foreign war, or participating in all the many and varied rituals of democracy. You, in turn, also look at him and see a fully grown man, correct? Of course. He has passed through most of the usual gates of adulthood.
He has completed his education, obtained gainful employment, I assume moved out from under the watchful eyes of his parents, since I think you would have mentioned him still living at home.
Yes, he has his own apartment.
But, but, there is one gate. Perhaps given an overinflated sense of import that he has not passed. This is not the first time I've said this, but virginity is a fallacy. And if I didn't know any better, I would not be surprised to discover it was invented in the 1920s by the De Beers Company. Along with all the other rituals now held sacred that they invented to sell diamonds. You, uh, you have a beautiful laugh.
Agreed.
Oh, thank you, Doctor.
You are very welcome. Now, as I was saying, if virginity is not the denouement of adolescence that it is purported to be, Then in the same vein, neither is one's, how did you put it? Body count.
Yes.
When you look back upon your sexual history, do you feel any shame?
Well, no, not overall. Maybe about one or two individual, mm, encounters.
Like any string of experiences, sure. But cast in the pure glow of this perceived innocent, suddenly your very normal history may appear to be something different. And I think that you worry that your altered perception may be one that Tim shares. Not only because of his virginity, but because of the seemingly archaic way that he conducts himself in the entire realm of romance.
A throwback to the time when one's unsullied flower was an item of great value, to be voraciously protected from a corrupt and callous world. Which is, of course, - Katie: absurd. Absurd. Removed from the context of girls being married off at 16 to secure neighbouring duchies. Marissa.
Yes.
Do you like this person? Do you feel for him? Romantically? Sexually?
I do. Very much so.
Are you enjoying this Austenian courtship?
Yes, I am. It's a nice change.
Does it feel disingenuous? An affectation, or the misguided meanderings of a child who read too many romantic novels?
No, not at all.
You may choose to share anything about yourself with a partner at whatever pace you so choose, and that goes for any and all elements of your past, present, or future. You may also choose not to remain with a partner for whom you feel that some part of you may clash irreparably with their values or their needs. But if you want to be sure, if you value this person and your relationship with them, it is better to offer them an opportunity to make that decision rather than making it for them.
Demonstrate that you respect him as an adult with autonomy of his own. Even though he is younger than you, you won't be doing him any favors by cutting him loose without context, or by hiding the truth from him. Perhaps he has not asked because he is terrified of your answer. Perhaps he has not asked because he simply does not care. Or that he knows, even admires, that you are a mature woman who has clearly lived their life up until now. But there is only one way to find out.
After all, the reason for his lack of experience may be precisely the same as for your own wealth. It could simply be that this is how things turned out for you as you both lived your lives to this point. My advice is simply this. Talk to your man. Share with him your misgivings and simply do only that which feels right at the time it feels right to do so. Marissa, does that help at all?
Of course, Doctor. Thank you. You've been a huge help.
Please feel free to come back to us and let us know how things work out.
I will. Thanks.
You're clear. You okay?
Christ, Katie. A little warning next time. That voice, my God. At least her question was simple enough. I could barely think.
It's not like you to get all shaken up by a throaty voiced femme fatale. You're supposed to be a professional.
I don't think anyone could have walked through that. Jesus, when she said physical escalation, my heart nearly stopped.
Honestly? Same.
Same.
Same.
Same.
Same.
Right?
Honestly? Same.
Same.
You think her boyfriend's gonna be okay?
I think he'll never be the same. Lucky bastard.
You ever Dated someone younger than you?
No. Definitely not that much younger.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. I learned my lesson about that early on. That voice though.
Alright, alright. Well, take five and try to recover. I'll get the pre records queued up.
Yeah, thank you. Do you, uh, Do you think if I speak enough French on the next call, they'll get me a new chair, nurse Katie?
Couldn't hurt.
Hi,
Call's ready? I'm just gonna grab a drink. Did you want something?
Oh, uh, yes please. That'd be great.
Easy. No worries. Tell me about Ruby.
What?
Ruby.
I don't, um, who?
Oh, uh, sorry. I meant Alana, the girl who called.
Oh, why
Hal? We've been doing this for nearly four years.
Okay.
In all that time, you've told hundreds of callers to get back to us and tell us about how things have worked out.
Right.
And not once have you checked with me if anyone actually called back. So is it about Ruby? Or is it about Alana? Hal, you look sick.
I, I told you what happened with Alana. My Alana.
Okay, so if you're really worried about this girl, I can try to track her down. I've got a bunch of information, 10 minutes with Google and I'll know everything there is to know about Ruby Amal.
No, no, that you don't, you don't need to do that.
Well then what is it?
It, it is about Alana. It is Al... my ex. I didn't tell you everything that happened.
Well, now I'm intrigued.
Why are you like this?
Can't help it. It's kind of the job
Seems like I'm hearing that a lot today. I'll tell you. Okay, I will. But can we just get through the show first? We can get a drink after. I'll spill the whole story.
Max's?
Oh, come on.
Please. They've got the rooftop now. You can smoke.
Fine. But if I have to get a cab back from downtown, I'm only buying the first round.
Deal. I'll get you tea.
Fuck.
Uh, thanks.
So, no kid tonight?
He's with my mum. Aren't you worried about losing your voice?
How do you think I got this voice?
Maybe you can claim them back on tax.
Aye. Had that idea kiboshed a few years back. My guy is about the most creative accountant going and even he wouldn't try it apparently.
So.
So. Can I get one drink down first?
Sure.
Thank you. Stop staring at me.
It's just, I've got to get home at some point.
Fine. Fine. What do you want to know?
Everything.
Everything. Why?
We're friends, right? You'd call us friends?
Sure.
And how long have we known each other?
I mean, ever since the show started, so...
four years, Hal. Four years.
Right, four years, yes, you said. And?
And I don't know anything about you that hasn't been said into a hot microphone. I'm excited that I finally get to know something about the enigmatic Dr. Goodvibes.
Come on, I'm not that bad.
Hal, it took me three years to find out when your birthday was, and only because I went to HR and got them to dig it out of your file. Don't smile, I'm sure the Man of Mystery shtick has served you well in the past, but it loses its charm quickly. Four years is well past the sell by date.
Fine. So, everything?
Everything.
That doesn't really narrow it down, and it's kind of a long story.
Well, mum's still sprightly. I've got time.
When I said that Alana, Alana's, the Alana who called story was familiar, I kind of understated the similarities.
How understated?
So for a moment it might actually be her torturing me.
Why?
Because that story she told, that could have been about me and my Alana. That could have been us, word for word.
What, the small town baby kinkster who makes her feel like he might actually Oh.
Yeah. Exactly that.
How old are you in the story? I don't know, it was
Late 15 through early 17.
Ouch.
Formative years.
You really thought it might be her? Did it sound like her at all?
God knows. It's been 15 years since I've heard her voice.
Okay, but it wasn't her. It was some girl named Ruby.
Yeah. Yeah, I know it was some girl named Ruby. I know it's not likely or even possible that it's her. It could all just be a coincidence. But in fairness, it didn't have to be. I've spent years doling out advice to people, under the pretense that I know better than they do. I guess I wasn't ready to be reminded of a time when I was ignorant, harmful, even, a danger to myself and others. But even without that, even if it was a total coincidence, the specifics were uncanny. I I know.
But there is coincidence and there's coincidence. And Either way, I need to know if it's her. I need to find out if it's not her. I need to
You really think it's her?
No, I
Hal?
No. I know it's not likely. Not even possible.
There's no way this Ruby is actually Alana?
No, Katie. There is no chance of that.
You seem pretty certain.
I am. But, until we hear from her again, I'm not going to be able to stop thinking about it.
Hal, there's got to be something more than just a similar story. What is it that's got you so convinced that this girl's come back to haunt you?
No, uh, nothing. That's it.
All right. So what are you gonna do? Could you call her, her family? Surely you have someone on social media who knows her.
Probably not. I didn't really keep in touch with anyone. And you know I don't do social media beyond the network mandated stuff.
I assumed, but Binghamton is a small town, right? Surely someone's gotta know what happened to her. Your parents or someone? What?
Who told you I was from Binghamton?
You did! I said small town baby kingster and you said exactly and you mentioned when you were talking to that cougar that you used to know a lot about textile manufacturing, silk specifically. Plus I already knew what state you're from, that's Binghamton.
So I did. Impressive. Really impressive.
Well, it's kind of the job.
Yeah, so you keep saying. You want another drink?
Sure, let's do it. Next time on Dr. Good Vibes. You ready?
Honestly? No, not really. I thought we were done for the week. I wasn't even gonna come in today.
Hal?
Katie, I'm serious. I've really gotta
No, hal. Wait.
What?
I just got an email. From Alana.
What's going on? She came back?
She did. Yes.
We are solving the mystery. Alana, how are you?
I'm good, Doctor. Um, thank you for taking my call.
Dr. Good Vibes is a Neon Diner production. Written, produced, and directed by Richard P. Doyle. Editing and sound design by Ramon Samson. It features the vocal talents of Richard P. Doyle, Rachel Slee, Emily Teed. Full credits can be found in the show notes. Dr. Good Vibes is available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, Google Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts. So please subscribe to ensure you never miss an episode.