Fix me! Fix me! Fix me! Fix me! Ladies and gentlemen and everyone in between and beyond, welcome to Dr. Fix Me Live! The tabloid talk show podcast, coming to you live from the Lincoln Lodge. Give it up for the Lincoln Lodge! The best venue for entertainment in Chicago. I am your host tonight. I am Dr. Fix Me at your service. Dr. Elias Fix Me if you're nasty.
Welcome to the show. Welcome to the show now. I asked this before but I want to check it again by round of applause who is experiencing the show for the very first time All right. All right. All right now. I'm curious We have some people here in the front row and I'm curious to know now I told you to sit in the front row and that it was gonna be perfectly safe I was true. That was true. I wasn't a trap. I know you're already wincing you're already Defenses are up, but I'm curious to know
How did you find out about the show? I live near here. You live near here? Okay, all right. How did you find out about Dr. Fix Me? Well, we wanted to come here tonight, and then we decided what comes the best, and you said you won. Oh, really?
Oh, I sounded the best. That's fantastic. I like that. I like that. I imagine, though, for most people, it's like Lincoln Lodge, whatever is available. Low-hanging fruit. Let's do it. Well, I'm happy to be your low-hanging fruit. Hi, everybody. Yeah, give it for me. It's fantastic.
Now, I'll let you know, for those of you who don't know, this show is all about helping people. All I'm trying to do is help this world out, one person, one issue at a time. Which is why I have a doctorate in radio and television broadcasting. with a specialization in tabloid talk shows
Now most people wonder why would you study tabloid talk shows? Well, that's because my heroes growing up in the 90s were the likes of Jerry Springer, Maury Povich, Sally Jessie Raphael, Ricky Lake, Jenny Jones, Harold Rivera, Dr. Phil, Dr. Oz, Montel Williams, even Oprah, because they spent their career
careers helping people. Each new episode of their show, they would transform the lives of someone new. And I thought, why can't I do that? So that's why I have this show. And you being a live audience, you have a unique opportunity to participate in this show at your discretion. Now, I already sense some apprehension, especially from the front row. But I want you to know that Dr. Fix Me fosters a safe space for you to express your truth, whatever that truth may be.
For example, let's say someone on this stage says something that you agree with, something that rings true in your heart too. Well, let that truth be known. Cheer! Chant their name if you feel so compelled. But conversely, that's right, you can feel, yeah, cheer. Now, conversely, if they say something offensive... Something hateful that you find just disgusting and despicable? Feel free to boo. Yeah. Cheers and jeers. Dr. Fix Me welcomes it all. Give it up for safe spaces.
Yeah, that's right. It is a safe space to cheer and boo safe spaces. Caveat, Dr. Fixby might not know what a safe space is. All right good good good now. I still sense a modicum of apprehension So I want to give you a practice right here now I want to know how would you react like in your heart of hearts? How would you truly respond if someone on this stage said something offensive about your mother?
A few of you booed. A few of you booed. I'm curious, how would you really react? Let's say someone said something offensive about your pet. Yeah. A more genuine response. Yeah, way more offended. People clearly care more about their pets than the person who gave them life. I get that. Totally understand. Now she can defend herself, said an audience member. Fantastic. By the way, we've got a packed house tonight. Give it up for yourselves. We've got a packed house. This is fantastic. All right.
We're about to threaten the fire marshal. This is great. This is a problem I want to have. All right, don't worry. At some point, we will unlock the doors. This is great. You guys are fantastic. Now, I'll let you know. Dr. Fix Me is the name of the show. Fixing them, not a guarantee. What is a guarantee? Meeting them and learning who they are and seeing what ails them and seeing if I can help them. Now, I'll let you know this show runs on a bit of a budget. So I don't actually know.
who I'm going to meet yet. My producers, they gave me this card here with hopefully my guest's name and why they are on the show. So with that said, I'm going to read this. They just handed it to me before I got here. It looks like I have, ooh, my producer wrote this in cursive. Looks like I've... I want to make sure I'm getting this right. Stan. Oh, Alan. Alan. Alan. Mel. Mick.
Okay, Alan McYikes. Alan... Oh, why? Very cursive. Thank you, producer. Alan McYikes contest winner. Welcome, Alan McYikes to Dr. Fix Me. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. Come on, say it. Wow! Wowee! Oh, my goodness. Welcome, welcome, Alan. Which table is mine? Oh, I don't know that any of the tables are reserved for the guests.
I mean, they're for the audience members, but maybe someone might be so kind enough to allow you to use their table. I see you. For the listener at home, you brought on a guitar. Yeah, it's a case of a guitar. Yeah, well, I guess, yeah, in the very least, it's a case. I'm only assuming that it was a contest winner. I'm ready to show off. Oh, wait, what contest are you referring to? By the way, you look amazing. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you. I sent in last April to Dr. Fix Me a cooking competition. Oh, a cooking competition? Yes, I'm here to share my recipe at one. Oh, okay. I'm unaware of any such competition, but my producers do all kinds of... Maybe he wrote it in cursive and you can't read it. It could possibly be it. It could possibly be it. My producers, they have a mind of their own.
They take the initiative that I'm not aware of. But for the listener at home, I'm curious, can you describe for the listener at home what it is you're wearing? I love your style, by the way. Guitar case. Well, I mean, in addition to the guitar case, you're wearing something very flowery. It's like a caftan kind of a sleepwear number. Oh, okay. A caftan. I've never heard of that. We got roses. It's silk. Yeah. Whoever owned this before me.
is dead. Oh, okay. Not by my doing. Oh, okay. Well, I mean, I don't know. Maybe accidentally. Wouldn't that be something? Wow. So, Alan, welcome to the show. So you've won a contest that I'm unaware of. You should. Your name's on it. Yeah, I'm very sorry about that. I'm going to apologize up front. I have no idea what this competition is. My producers must have, I don't know if...
I don't know if they swindled you or if it was a fake competition, but you won. You're here. So I want to give you space to share, I guess, something you want to share with us. Thank you. Of course, of course. By all means, share away. Okay, all right. Well...
I guess you don't know the rules of the competition. No, I'm sorry. I do not. Could you clarify? What are the rules? It was a competition, and it had to be a very simple recipe. Okay. And I won. Oh, fantastic. Okay, and what was the recipe? Okay. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, wait, whoa, whoa. Your guitar case was full of baseballs. you brought the wrong guitar case that was a lot of baseballs wow why would you have a good
You're still ready to cook? Are you though? Well in order to cook you would need like... Hey! Believe in me! I do believe in you. I do believe in you, Alan. I mean, you won the competition after all, or the contest, rather. So the... Now you remember. No, I... It had your face on it. It did. Was it similar to one on the TV with my looking up ever so naively? Yeah. I should say full of hope, rather.
Oh, is that you before a child? For the listener at home, I am a father. Is that why? No, no. I mean, the photo took place before I became a parent, but that has nothing to do with it. A parent of what? I do have a guitar case. I had it in the back there. Oh, yes. Brandon, thank you. Oh, you have another guitar case. A second guitar case. I brought the wrong one on stage, okay? It's easy to confuse. Before we open the...
This one, why did you bring two guitar cases? Why not? I mean... Because I wasn't sure which one had baseballs in it, so I brought them both. Wow. Wow. Pretty dense. Why even have baseballs in a guitar case? Where do you keep them?
Well, I don't have baseballs. Usually, if any, I might have one. And, you know, I don't need a whole case to carry it. I'm just curious to know, like, why they were all in a guitar case. And, like, why not just, like, give it a look? Did you play catch with your dad? Yeah, I played catch with my dad. Yeah, sure.
These are all the balls that I bought to play catch with my dad. Oh, did you ever play catch with your dad? Yeah, and he was horrible. Oh, okay. So you had the opportunities to, he just wasn't good at it? Yeah. Oh, wow. So it sounds like you were able to throw the balls to him, but was he able to throw them back?
If he was there, maybe. Wait. I can't get a read on you, Alan. So, all right, we got this guitar case now. So I'll give you the space. Go ahead and open it. What am I? You are a contest winner. Of? Of the Dr. Fix Me cooking show? Yep, that's it. That's me. It was this, who can make the simplest thing quickly and deliciously? And I did it. Okay.
What did you make by the way? What is it that you cook? Are you showing this now? I have tablecloths, okay? So you mind if I put a tablecloth down? Oh my, okay, tablecloths for everyone in the front row. I only have two. That's quite all right. I mean, I imagine that should be fun. I don't want to say you have one for everyone in the front row because there's two tables. I can't. I'm sorry.
I apologize. I don't mean to set you up for failure like that. I didn't mean to set an expectation that could not be met. But in this guitar case, for a listener at home, there's no guitar. No guitar in these cases. Neither of these cases have a guitar. But we have a tablecloth. A Halloween themed tablecloth.
For two tables in the front row. It was supposed to be on in October, and I haven't opened these since. I have cooked a new thing since then, just so you know. Okay. I can unfold it and unwrap it. So, tell me about this contest. I won it! I understand that you want it, but what did you cook in order to win it? And where did it take place?
What do you mean? Well, I do my show here at the Lincoln Lodge, so I'm curious to know where did my producers have this contest? How did you win? How was it that you found out about it? How was it that you won it? Can I get an audience volunteer? I just need someone to tie an apron. I like how I have to preface this. Could you tie an apron for me?
Okay. Very apprehensive. I'm going to say no and I'm going to do it myself because that was a scared no. Yeah, yeah. That was a scared no. Can I volunteer? Can I tie it on you? Yeah, okay. All right. I figure it's the least that I could do. I want you to feel welcome here. Okay. All right. You're good? You're good. Excellent. All right.
Able to tie it on himself. What does it say on the front of your apron? Wabash. Oh, like the famous Chicago street. Oh, wow. I didn't realize there was a college called Wabash. Oh, okay. Do I see a crock pot? Oh my goodness. I've never had a guest bring on so many things. That is an actual crock pot with something.
you might oh my goodness oh and now you're covering it with an ikea bag now i want to ask a question before i say what's in there who would like some of what's in there i have a coffee oh It's like a surprise. You don't have to eat it if you don't like it afterwards, but this is just a leap of faith. A leap of faith in someone we've just met.
Now, for the people in the front row, I told you that the front row would be safe. I hope I was telling the truth. I was speaking on part of me. I had no idea how this show was going to go. I had no idea. Oh, my goodness. Oh my goodness, oh we got we need people along the wall there always Wow Alan this is this is insane
Oh, you brought some music. Oh, I see. It looks like a child's xylophone. Okay. For listeners at home, we have a xylophone that would be something that my daughter would play with. All right. But yet no mallets for the xylophone. It's a pull one. It's a pull one. Oh, oh, as you pull it along. Oh, I see. That's fantastic. All right.
The moment of truth. Oh, okay. All right. We're not going to go to commercial break or anything? Well, that's much later. We will have a sponsor, but that's much later in the show. That's much later. Okay. I thought I'd have more of a time to set up. No, this is your moment. All right, all right. So this, I am the contest winner, and this is the simple recipe here. So what I've made for you today is— Three ingredients, right? Three ingredients. Who wants to guess them and—
chant them. Guess them and chant them? Yep. mmm beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef yep yep it's a meatball in there what else we got did somebody say something else back here just guess it Spinach? No! I wanted to chant spinach, but that's a hard one. Too many syllables. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. Barbecue sauce. All right, that's number two. We got one word. Hold on. So spinach had too many syllables. Yet barbecue sauce.
It had too many syllables to guess for a wrong answer. Oh, I see what you're saying. I see. Okay. I can't put ingredients in there just because based on the syllables they have. I wasn't sure your methodology. I wasn't sure. No more guesses from this. I think you just were straight up right beef. We need guesses from out here somewhere. Bones? Bones! Let's chant bones just because that is fun.
Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! And you know what? I'll give that a correct answer, even though it's not real Bones, but you know how they take horses and they grind them up into like... Jelly for things. Oh, sure. Like gelatin is made of bones. Yes. Yes. It's grape jelly. So I give you a correct answer. So we got some grape jelly barbecue sauce and meatballs. Grape jelly barbecue sauce and meatballs. Yep. Wow. Okay. So is this the.
where we sample uh would you like to sample them everyone have their cup no you don't you you're a hatchet you weren't you didn't raise your hand the first time yeah okay yeah yeah all right well hey uh dr fixby if you want to go ahead and vamp a little bit i'll go ahead and
This is what I thought we could do in the commercial break. I gotta say, this is a first for Dr. Bixby. In the near five years that we've been running this show, I've never had anyone bring on food, let alone be a contest winner. I've never hosted a contest. I'm going to have a sincere talk with my producers about how they run my show. This is a little out of hand. Usually, I bring out a contestant, or sorry, a guy.
No, I have not. I've never done this before. I usually bring on a guest who has a problem, and my job is to fix them. Hence the name, Dr. Fix Me. I'm trying to fix them, but it sounds like you've got everything under control. You know exactly what you want to do. Wow. Those meatballs look delicious. I'm going to get on stage here with you. Three ingredients. Beef. Barbecue sauce. Grape. You mean grape jelly? Boners is funner. All right, this is fantastic. Here we go. Shoot it like a shot.
We got warm... It's a crock pot. I don't know how long he's been unplugged. That's true. The first row is right. We don't know how long this crock pot has been unplugged. But it's still warm, so we know it couldn't have been unplugged for long. Wow, these look delicious. I wonder, may I have one? I know I didn't volunteer before because I had no idea what I was in for, but now this is looking quite alluring. Please?
Well the secret words that's no secret we were just chanting them Touche all right now are we all shooting this at the same time? Yeah, yeah We have plenty more cups if everyone we there are a lot of meatballs. I'm not gonna lie There's probably enough meatballs for everyone here in this packed room at the Lincoln Lodge. This is novel
You know, I'm going to set this here. Why don't we do this? Why don't you fill out some for me, and I'm going to pass them out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Fill them out for me. We are going to absolutely milk this for all it's got. I apologize. Oh, my goodness. When's the last time you had it again, Paul?
I can't remember. A meatball. Anyone want a meatball? Raise your hand for a meatball. We got one over here. Gentleman. There you go. Yeah, I'll send you that for a meatball. There we go. A meatball coming your way.
all right wow now your producer said i would win a prize they said you would yeah oh well uh stage time is a prize cool uh recognition you know an opportunity to uh payment with exposure yes yes of course exposure there you go all right who would like another meatball i've got one whole meatball here any takers at all this is oh there you go fantastic yeah i i had trust me i had no idea this is a
This is, wow, alright. Does anyone else want a meatball? Raise your hand, keep your hands up if you want a meatball. Because I do want to move this segment, oh we got one in the corner, alright. i do want to move this segment along we do have other guests i want to make sure that they have plenty of time all right wow just let me know when you want my second recipe your second recipe all right Cheers! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Bones! Oh, wow! That's delicious!
Alan McYikes and his meatballs. That's amazing. Wow. All right. All right. Very good. Go ahead, Albert. I'm going to leave my cup here on your table. I hope that's fine. Wow. I'm gonna grab something to drink I need to I need a beverage This has got to be the most absurd thing I've ever seen on the show. I'm telling you now, I've never had a contest I'm not aware of. I've never had food brought onto the stage, I hope.
We're not breaking any rules or laws by just bringing in food. Because I know at the front of Lincoln Lodge, there is a sign that says, like, no public drinks inside. But there's nothing to say. It doesn't say anything about food. Well, they do a sauteed stand-up show here now and then. they do oh that's right they do a sauteed stand-up but i wonder if the if it's i don't know if the food is not sauteed it's not yeah it's cocky i don't know yeah neither do i i have no idea i know sir
Well, leave it to my producers. Oh, my goodness. All right. So, Alan. You won with this dish. Is this how you won? Three recipes. Can you believe it? Wow, congratulations. That's fantastic. Now, I got to say, usually at this point, I figure out what your issue is, and I try to, you know, give some sort of advice or seize perspective.
for you, but I have no idea how to proceed. I do have my next guest ready. If it's okay with you, I'm gonna proceed with the next guest. It is my show. I do appreciate that. I'm gonna bring in my next guest. Look. You do have an apron. That's like a giant napkin. But it's white, and once I touch it, it's just going to be ruined. I mean, isn't that the very nature of an apron? But there's no spots on it yet.
Who it belonged to? Your grandpa Wabash. Well, yes. He went there. Oh. His name wasn't Wabash. Oh, sorry, sorry. Your grandpa went to Wabash. You mentioned a Wally Wabash. That was the mascot. Oh. My grandpa Wally Wabash didn't go to Wabash College. My grandpa Chandler Quincy. Oh, okay. Chandler Quincy. Went to Wabash where the mascot was Wally Wabash.
Okay. What kind of mascot is that? It's a weird one. It's an all-male school. Alright. Asked and answered. Asked and answered. Indiana. Oh, okay. Sure. Alright. All right. Now, I'm going to bring on my next guest, because usually in this situation, there's always someone who can shine a light on your situation, because as we all know, there's more than one side to every story. But I have no idea who I'm bringing on. Shine it on. I just have a card here that says...
Alice, oh yeah, contest participants. Oh, wow. I don't know what that means, but welcome, Alice, oh yeah, to Dr. Vixby. Welcome, welcome, Alice, oh yeah, welcome. What is going on here? What? I've got two people in rosy robes. Welcome, welcome, Alice. Oh, yeah. To the show. Welcome. Take off my apron so you can really see. Wow. I've never had two robed people on the show, let alone one robed person. Oh my goodness. This is...
This is a little eerie. Doctor Fix Me, what did I win? Well, I'm unaware. I don't know if you've been paying attention or if you were hearing any of this, but I don't know what's going on. By the way, did you win it? Did you win? My card says contest participant. Yeah, I thought I just participated. And then your producer called and he said, get on in here. This isn't going anywhere.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'm going to, I'm definitely, I'm irritated. I'm going to have a word with my producers. I don't know what they did. What's my recipe? Is that what you asked? No, I didn't ask that, but I guess while we're on the subject, yeah, what did you use as your entry? How did you enter the contest? Okay, well, I...
I didn't make a whole lot. I don't have my crock pot because I didn't realize that I had won. Do you want to guess the ingredients? Can I first ask how many ingredients are? In your recipe. For the listener at home, our contestant participant is reading the side of a beer bottle. Is that a Modelo? Are you reading the ingredients? It's very simple. It's a simple recipe. Okay. But it's also proprietary, so I'm not gonna get specific. Oh. Could be bones.
Did you bring beer to a contest hoping that you would win by getting the judges drunk? Oh my god, no. I wouldn't do that. No. Did I make beer for this contest in hopes of getting everyone drunk? Yes! Oh, you made beer. You brewed it yourself. Yes, I did. Wow, okay. You brewed proprietary beer. Yes. So the recipe does not belong to you. No. You're not allowed to sell it. No, well, I'm happy to give everyone a taste. Wait. Who wants a cup? Yeah.
Are you just going to pour part of a 16-ounce Modelo beer into a little cup for everyone? No, I don't know that that's legal. I don't know that that's safe. Especially if it's already open and you probably drank out of it already. I would just love it if everyone could chant shots. Shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots, shots. Oh, wait, what? No, don't put it back. What's going on? What is this? Contest. Contest?
If I didn't know any better, I would say you two are in a cult with the way that you are dressed. What? This couldn't be any different than that. You're wearing rosy robes. The fabric is... Different. Mine is silky, theirs is cottony. Oh, okay. I mean, I guess that counts. Does yours do this? Yes. Does it zip? Does it zip? It zips down the middle. All right. Okay. No, I gotta say, this is an ill fit. I... What? You don't like our figures? No, no, no, no. I'm...
You guys are an ill fit for this show. Usually I fix people and I don't know how to help you guys. Make her a winner. Make her a winner. I brewed a whole beer and I brought it to you. But, I mean, in a contest, doesn't a winner mean just one winner? Isn't there only one winner in a contest? Not always. And didn't you already win, Alan? Okay, different contest. Different contest?
Why is it so important for you to participate in this contest? I don't understand. Why do you need a contest from me? Are you talking to me? Either of you. Who is this for? It's like you two are insistent. Wait. What do you want from them? Wow, Dr. Fix Me, they have spoken. I heard bones.
I don't know what to do here. Usually I fix people with problems. I guess you give us a prize and we go away quietly. Okay. All right. Well, here. Severance! We discovered... Severance? Like the TV show? I don't understand what you're saying. Like Severance pay?
Yeah, what TV show? Is that an apple? Yeah, yeah, it's an apple. Oh, is that the one with Jennifer Aniston? No, no, you're thinking, that's Morning Show. Yeah, yeah, this is the one, the guy from Parks and Rec. Oh, they don't know if they're inside or outside. That one? Okay, cool. That's a good show. I haven't seen it, but I'm interested. It's on my list. I'm not currently subscribed to Apple. Okay. None of us are. TV. So...
I want to help you guys out. All right, fine. I deem you both contest winners, co-winners of the contest. I gladly will bestow that upon you. Your next recipe? You have another? It's a dessert one. And you said our. You said our. That implies that you two worked together on it? Guess what? Guess what? There's a green room, ding dong. And we're ready together.
we said hey so we can make another one on the spot oh wow so so alice and alan you guys know of each other how do you two know each other i just yeah we were in the green oh you just met in the green room time oh okay yeah Okay. What is this next recipe? It's a dessert. I mean, we've had two courses so far. Now we're ready for something sweet.
You heard of hot eats and cool treats from Dairy Queen? Oh, something is going on with the microphone there. How about you put it all in one? How about you do? How about you do it, huh? Hey, what did everyone have for breakfast? Eggs. Nope. Try again. Try. Nope. Waffles. Okay, why don't you try eating something healthy? What treats with pizza? Oh, okay, I get it.
Alan, I believe your microphone, we're having a technical issue. If you could reconnect your microphone, it was sounding a little bit like 1954. Oh, my hair. Yeah. Hi. Oh, that does sound. Oh, okay. Welcome to the 50s. Misogyny is in. All right. We may have to do a technical glitch there. All right. Back to breakfast. What do we have? We haven't guessed it yet. Bones guy, you're pretty good at this.
Oh, closer though. You are closer. Yogurt? No, other way. Now we're getting closer. Okay, what are you eating for your fiber, everyone? Fruit? Oatmeal! You are on it! And beef lady are on it. Oh my gosh. No one wants to be beef lady. No one wants to be beef lady. No one. Yeah. Wow. Now we said hot eats and cool treats, right? Yes, hot eats and cool treats. So what if you had apple cinnamon oatmeal ice cubes? Oh! I mean...
Up until ice cubes, that sounds delicious. Alan, Alan, those smell so fresh. Oh, my God. Wow. so this is a dessert it sounds like uh like almost like an ice cream stick almost it's nothing like that doctor fix me you could be more of an idiot oh my god All right. I am surprised at the amount of hands that went up for an oatmeal. Oh, wow. That is a bright light provided by Alice.
I see some hands. It's going to melt in your hand and make a mess. You might. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Alice, I feel that light is a little too bright. I feel like this one. Oh my goodness, that was a blinding light. I can hardly see now. All right. Wow, this... Oh, my God, they love it, Alan. They can't get enough. Do one more round. Give them away. I got to ask the audience. I mean, shout out. How does it taste?
Does it taste good? Someone's taking multiple bites. It must taste good. I heard icy. I heard fibrous. I did hear Apple. You just said it. All right. Look, thank you for sharing your food here. It's so slippery. Wow, wow, wow. Breakfast will never be the same. No, is it something like you're...
Is this something you're selling? Because I want to give you, your prize right now is exposure. Your prize is getting the word out on the fact that you won and that you have amazing talents. Wait, Alice, are you putting your frozen treat in your beer? I'm cooling it down, Dr. Fix Me. Cooling your beer down with it. And I'm sweetening it up. Oh, my goodness. Wait, you wouldn't put beer into the shot that already contains barbecue jelly sauce. This is absurd. This is like a suicide
I mean, it might have already melted. It's warm barbecue sauce. Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Shot! Oh wow! Alan and Alice, this is insane. Oh, I love to chew a beer.
Alan and Alice, congratulations on winning the contest. Oh, thank you. You have the floor here. You are winners. You have shared amazing recipes. It sounds like the audience is on board with what you've made. Thank you very much. I want to move on to my next guest, and I feel like we need to take a pause to just...
reflect on what the hell is going on here as we hear a word from our sponsor. This is the commercial part. This is the commercial part, Alan. So we're gonna hear a live read of one of our local sponsors, okay? Just chill. You can have a seat. You could finally have a seat. There are chairs here. You guys, you can use them. Wow. Yeah, yeah, feel free. Do you want the light? No, no one wants the light. No one asked for the light. No one wants the light. Thank you very much. I'm still recovering.
I probably meant a metaphorically like like shining a perspective because I It's all it was meant it was metaphor. I'm so sorry. So yeah, all right I gotta bring on my sponsor here So look this is showbiz after all in the business part of this show is hearing a live read of one of our local sponsors So with that said my producers have given me see here. All right slightly less cursive Thank You producer
Vinny Esposito, a.k.a. The Fretfather, owner and proprietor of Vinny Velvet Vaults and Mini Mugsies. Welcome, welcome Vinny Esposito to Dr. Vixby. Welcome, welcome. How's it going? What's up? Good, good. Welcome, Vinny. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me. I hear there's a fucking beef lady in the audience. I can tell you, there's nothing more attractive to a man than a beef lady.
Yowza. It's a Saturday night here at the Lincoln Lodge, fellas. Oh, right. And or ladies, and or they, thems. But this one's for the beef ladies. Oh, wow. Wow. How you doing, Dr. Fix Me? You look sharp. Oh, thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. I like to dress up for the occasion. Now, it says here, a.k.a. the fret father. What is the fret father? Is that like a guitar reference? It is a guitar reference. I am the proprietor of Benny.
is velvet vaults, which is also a guitar case. Oh, a velvet vault. And of course. For lizard humps. Oh, okay. So what a weird coincidence that I am here when so much of my product. is in the vicinity. So you make guitar cases as well as little paper shot cups. That's not the only little cups I make, but... mostly guitar cases and i found out here's the thing people come to my shop they get real thirsty shut the up this is my time sauce boy sauce boy sounds like he didn't win either
Yikes. Go ahead, Vinny. You have the floor. You have the floor, Vinny. I paid a lot of money to be here right now to push my product, which you have bought. Relax. You look beautiful, by the way. I also sell robes. Roses, violets, lilacs. You want a robe with a flower on it? My grandma's going to fucking make it. They're handmade by your grandma. 100%.
quilts them crochets them knits them my grandma's got talent and don't don't mess with my grandma my grandma also a beef lady which i much respect for wow my grandma is the og beef lady wow anyway I sell guitar cases. I grew up... Why do guitar cases have to be limited to guitars? Guitar cases could store so many more things. My grandfather, on the other hand, he used guitar cases for... Things. Things. Like what? There's some nosy audience members. Shut the fuck up.
Hypothetically, I don't know. Guns, bones, jello. You know how many meatballs can fit in a guitar case? At least a crockpot full. Wow. And then, oh yeah, so I was talking about mini Muggsies. People come to the shop all the time, they're very thirsty. How do you offer them something to drink? I don't want to give them all my water.
People just come into your shop, they want to drink all your water. You give them a little cup. There's nothing more deterrent than giving someone a cup like this. Why do I even want to drink out of this? You can't put anything in it. Maybe like a meatball. Oh, so they come in Thursday, and it sounds like you're doing something polite, but in fact, you're being a little rude. 100%. Wow. Okay. 100% rude. Wow. Can we just talk about the beef lady in the room?
Alice, have you ever seen a beef lady more beefy? She's the 100% beef. Who are we talking about? I'm not going to point fingers and name names. I don't know these people. In the nicest beef way possible. Oh, in the beefiest beefy... Like, wow, good on your beef. If I could write a song. We'll sing it. About. Beef lady? Yeah. Are you a musician, Alan? I have guitar cases. Well, I mean, having a guitar case and being a musician aren't, like, those are... Xylophone time. Oh.
I mean, there's not enough runway on the table here. We'd have to do it across the floor. Let's see if my microphone can pick this up. Oh, yeah, we can. There we go. There we go. Caught by the microphone. Anyways, if you're interested in a guitar case, if you have anything you need to store, I got it. Come down to Vinnie Velvet's vaults and Minnie Muggsies. I got you covered. You got...
Bones you want to store, I got you covered. You got tablecloths you want to store, I got you covered. You can fit 200 robes with flowers on them in a guitar case. 200? That's a lot. You can fit one small child. I don't know why you would do that. Hide and seek, probably. Question, Vinny. How many robes can this child be wearing in that guitar case? Great question. Great question. Minimum seven.
I don't want to sweat the kid out. Minimum? I would think maybe maximum would be... Seven robes on a small child? So how would you feel if someone had it? It'd be a silk comfortable robe. Now, if we're talking like a grandma's quilted robe, like something thick, you're probably not going to go that many robes. But if I'm talking something like summer and breezy, beef lady gets it. I got to say.
Summer and Breezy robe. Can I get that robe? Can we throw that robe up here? Do we have another robe? How many robes are in this room? We do have a robe. Thank you very much. We have another robe right here. This is the sexiest of the robes. Wow. For listeners at home, this is a mighty fine, silky, rosy robe. Sensual. Wow. May I put this on? Okay. So this is from my grandmother's Mother's Day collection. This is yours, Vinny. Yes. Well, my grandmother made this.
It's a Mother's Day collection. She has a garden. Thank you very much. These are her favorite flowers. And look at you. Oh, my. Look at this. Oh. Wow! Now I think you understand why it's a minimum of seven. Oh, yeah. It is very thin. It feels as if I had my eyes closed, I wouldn't know that I was wearing this. Also, I'm wearing like three layers. When I had my eyes closed, you aren't wearing it, Dr. Fitzgerald. Oh!
Alice gets it. Alice gets it. I hope that microphone from the 1950s got that. Alice, in full detail, what is Dr. Fix Me wearing? I'm seeing bones and I'm seeing 100% beef. Yeah. This is nice. I apologize for the cult comment before. So I feel like when I wear this, I'm not a part of a cult. I feel like I'm comfortable. I feel like I'm at ease. I can finally be the truest version of myself. So thank you very much. Absolutely. And let's not leave it up to us.
How about Bones and Beef Lady? Can you tell us if we're in a cult? Yeah! Well, that's enthusiastic and I'll take it. Yeah, for listening at home, Bones and Beef Lady is on board. All right. Vinny, you still have the floor here. So if anyone, I guess, wants to get any of your grandma's quilted or knitted robes, if they want any of your mugsy's. Or a nice guitar case. Or a little mini mugsy. Yeah. How can they get a hold of you?
Here's the thing. You head down to Monroe and Wabash. Monroe and Wabash. There's an alley back there and there's a U-Haul truck. In that U-Haul truck you knock three times. And then you start singing, we started from the bottom, now we're here. You know what, Drake's getting a bad rap right now and I'm not here for it.
Is that all the part of the song that you have to sing, or does it be the song in completion? No, you just gotta... We started from the bottom, now we're here. A door will open on the U-Haul, and you'll see the grandest selection of... Guitar cases, mini mugsies, little robes, and free hugs, beef lady. Or men. I will hug a beef man right now. Oh, wow. Okay. Beef men give good hugs. All right. Or a beef person.
However you identify in your beefiness, I'm here for it. All right. That's fantastic. Now, I don't suppose you have a discount for any of our listeners or viewers, any of our audience members? 100%. Listen here. I've worked it out. With Al here and Alice, whatever you guys' names is. Al and Al. Al and Al. For every item you purchase out of my shop, you get three free meatballs. Oh. And...
A sip of whatever beer that Alice is cooking up that day. Wow. Alice loves beer, by the way. Alice loves beer. Loves it. Wow. Alice. Alice loves beer. Vinny, I can't help but feel that you have certain feelings towards Alice. Uh, what? What? Doctor, fix me. I love beer. I think it's very clear. I love beer. Well, I understand that you love beer, but it sounds as if our sponsor may have certain feelings towards you. I'm just curious. I'm not trying to... I'm just always cracking open a beer.
And then sharing it with my friends. Oh, you share beers with everybody? Because we were backstage and you said, hey, have some of this. She was offering beer to everyone in the audience. Okay, well. I was not here for that part. I'm the sponsor. Not every beer is for everyone. So you are saying that maybe the beer that we shared was maybe slightly special.
Yeah. Maybe a Modelo special. Especial, if anything. That is especial. Okay. I'm sorry, Vinny. Did we just step on something? No, it's fine. I just... I haven't had a lot of luck with ladies lately. Beef and non-beef ladies? Beef or beer ladies. Any bee lady I struggle with. One time I dated a bee lady. Got stoned real bad, if you know what I mean. Like, metaphorically? Everything. Oh, okay. Everything. Wow. Bees are jealous insects. Oh. I was out with Bee Lady once.
Her name was Beatrice. Wild. Beatrice's bees. Anyway, I go in for the kiss. The queen stings me on my neck. Oh, wow. I killed that fucking queen. Uh-oh. I killed that queen, and we broke up. You know how many bees fit in a guitar case? How many bees fit in a guitar case? A lot. Oh my goodness. Countless, I would imagine. No, there's not. You can't put infinity.
What kind of doctor are you? You couldn't put an infinity amount of Bs in a guitar case. There's a very finite number, and it's probably in the millions. Oh, okay, all right. But you can't count precisely, so in other words, countless. Listen, one.
Two. No, we don't have to go through all the numbers. I'm just saying I can count precisely. Oh, sure, sure, sure. But I mean, like, all right. And there's infinite numbers between each number, which blows my fucking mind. All right, we don't need to get into the splitting. Like, have you thought about it? Between one and two, there's 1.1.
1.01, 1.001, 1.0001. Between two numbers, there's an infinite number of decimals. Yes, of course. And he hasn't even gotten to two yet. I know. Al fucking gets it! All right, look. I want to move on, but before we do it, is there like a slogan or perhaps a jingle that people can, like an earworm that people can use to remember Vinny's Vault? Let's see here. Vinny Esposito, a.k.a. the Fretfather, owner and proprietor of Vinny Velvet Vaults and Mini Mugsies.
Uh, if you come down to Vinnie's vaults... Okay, beef lady, I was trying to do my jingle. I thought we had some... You know, I have no luck tonight. I've... Hold on. Just for the audience. I think everyone needs to be made. Wait. Don't hide. So there is an audience member who may or may not be.
eating a meatball off their straw. Oh, wow. Yeah. They're going hog wild on that meatball. You got upstaged by a meatball there, Vinny. I'm here for it. I thought I had a crush on Alice. I thought I had a crush on Beef Lady. I think I might have found the love of my life. Hey, can I ask, if you could give one adjective to describe that alcoholic meatball, what would it be? Yes. Sustainable.
Oh, okay. Sustainable. Ooh. All right. That's a sensual word. Sustainable is sensual. Oh, I like that. I'm sustaining. I'm sustaining. Now I hear it. Now I hear the sensuality of it. Vinny, go ahead. If you come to Vinny's Velvet Beef Lady, I swear to fucking God, let me get this out. You know how distracting it is sitting in your beauty? It's hard out here. And to have you laugh at me and embarrass me in front of quite a big audience. They're never going to come to my U-Haul if you keep...
embarrassing me in front of company. That said, Vinny's Velvet Vaults and Muggsies. Come buy from us. It'll feel like a warm hugsies. Aw, warm hugsies. Vinny Esposito, everybody. Vinny Esposito, a.k.a. The Fred Father. All right. Now, before we move on to my final guest, I want to touch base with Al and Al. Welcome. So I'm curious to know how we're still munching on a beef. We got a meatball in our mouth there, Alan.
I'm chewing up a beer right now. Alice, really quick. Will you feed me a meatball? Oh, would you do the honor of feeding Vinny? No, no, no, no. With the hands. Or not. Or a mugsy. Whatever Alice consents to, honestly. The underside of a mugsy. Looks like they're using a little mugsy as a plate. Oh, wait. Uh-oh.
With the mouth. There we go. Wow. How did that feel? Romantic. Sustainable. There we go. Sustainable. Fantastic. Alan and Alice, I'm curious to know, how are you guys feeling about this episode? I know I... You can't find your kerchief? Not a bit. Note to self, Grandma will soon be making kerchiefs.
Look, at this show, I'm supposed to help you guys. And frankly, I don't know how to help you. I mean, I've awarded you contest winners. I've given you exposure. We're just going to wait here until you give us the prize. The prize? Well, this is the prize. Like being on stage and exposing the world to your amazing food, foods, and talents. Can I top off your drink? Sure. You're going to top? Nope. All right. I think it was a... No, but I don't want that. Oh.
I think she knew where you were going with it. I think she fully anticipated. She was agreed first, but just like anything, consent can change. That's right. Consent can change. All right. Meatball consent. I'm going to move on to my final guest. Hopefully this person can offer some advice. I have no idea how they can help you guys because I don't know how to help you guys. What do you want us to chant? No chant. No chant necessary. They're going to be an expert in a particular field.
Murr? Like frankincense and... Murr? Let's do it! Murr! Murr! Murr! Murr! Murr! Murr! Alright, please welcome my final guest, the Demon Beef Bones! Welcome, welcome! Welcome, welcome, Demon Beef Bones to Dr. Fix Me. I am the Demon Beef Bones. Oh, hi, hi, hi. Are you, like, an actual demon? Yes, you put on robes and chanted my name. Oh, wait, what? We summoned you? Is that what this... I am in a cult! Whoopsie!
Oh, no. Yes, you are all in my cult. Oh, okay. Now I'm seeing it. Now it's coming clear. Sorry, that light blinded me before. For the listeners at home, can you describe to the listeners, we all can see how you appear, but can you describe to the listener how you appear? Well, if 17 people facing this direction and four people facing that direction chant beef bones repeatedly...
I show up. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. How you look in appearance. I see some demonic skin. I see... Oh, yeah. Sorry. Well, tails, of course. Okay. That's what's wagging back here. Yeah. And thank you not to bring that up again. Let's see, your sort of standard set of talons. I think I look pretty good for my age, actually. I mean, I'm balding, but like, who isn't? Honestly, most of you are. For the film, Alan isn't. You're very her suit. You are quite her suit. Look at that fur.
Yeah, furry gams. All right, go ahead. Anyway. Demon Beef Bones, and your name is Beef Bones. Yes, Beef Bones, yes. It's almost like a Beetlejuice thing, like we summoned you by just saying your name. Yes, I was named for my father, Bones, and my mother, Beef. Oh! Was your mother a beef lady? There's only one beef lady. Nice. This fucking demon fucking gets it. This demon gets it. And I would like to say, Miss, that you are captivating.
Would you say there's a special place in hell for Beef Lady? Is there a Mr. Beef Lady? Because I have not laid eyes on a creature like you in quite some time. I think Beef Lady would prefer some space, maybe some... Listen to your heart, Beef Lady. Love is the most precious thing you can lose. Don't do this to yourself. We have a chance. Us crazy kids, we have a chance to make it.
We could get a house in Schaumburg. Wait, it's Schaumburg? Which level of hell is Schaumburg? Schaumburg is where I live. It's the seventh circle. I built that Ikea. Oh, you built the Ikea. Schaumburg, wow. I'm the reason the gas is two different prices depending on which county of Schaumburg you're in. Oh, I see. That's your fault. It's not my fault. I'm proud of it.
Sorry, you deserve credit, not blame. Thank you. Of course. Damon, you're here to offer advice to anyone here on the panel. So I'm curious to know, how can you help us proceed? You need to make it up with your producer. Your producer. producer is furious with you. Me? Why are they furious with me? I'm furious with them. Yeah, they pranked you pretty fucking hard. Yeah, I feel pretty fucking pranked. Well, maybe when they make...
Birthday posts on Instagram for you. You should make birthday posts on Instagram for them. Oh, is this a matter of just reciprocity? I just didn't do like and kind for them. I just didn't. It's a matter of letting people know you care. I don't. I don't. Do you like a sensitive demon or...
More of a rough and tumble kind of... God can fix me. I think the problem is that Beef Bones here needs to find love. We both need to find love. Okay, mind your own fucking business, bro. I've been fucking up here. I'm doing my best when you call me out in front of the Beef Lady. And Ellis. God damn it. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, Vinny. I just worry about you.
Yeah, Damon, do you have a connection with Vinny? Yeah, I can see and do and go anywhere, anything. Oh, wow. I have a connection to all of you people. Yo, Beefbone sees everything. I see everything. Everything. I don't have to look. I don't always look. But I'm capable. of seeing everything. Beef Bones knows what you saw in your guitar cases. That's all I'm saying. Wow.
So, Beefbones, it sounds like you probably know our inner secrets, our inner desires. And so you might be able to, so it sounds like your advice is directed towards me. I have advice for everyone. Oh, good. Well, then let me not get in the way of it. Please proceed with your advice. no no make it up to your producer first
Say it in cursive. I will talk to my producer after the show. We will have a post-show discussion, and I feel like I owe them an apology. Frankly, I just don't use Instagram enough. I kind of use it as a one-way street. just to advertise a show. I don't really read or scroll. I'm not a big scrolling person. So that's probably why I missed that it was their birthday. I don't post about that. I didn't even know that they posted about my birthday. I didn't know that.
So, I mean, I don't know why I'm talking to you about it. You're not my producer, but I just feel like I need to apologize. I mean, well, I mean, you're aware of all the production, I guess, since it seems like you're omnipotent. Or omniscient, rather. How dare you? What? Wait, what does omnipotent mean? All-powerful. Oh! Omnipotent is all-powerful, omniscient is... What's your favorite food?
I like couscous. Oh, really? I would never have packed that. A nice lemony couscous with feta and parsley. An ancient grain for an ancient demon. That makes sense. Would you eat a meatball? No. Oh, really? Would you eat two meatballs? No. What is this? What is this? Green eggs and ham? Thank you. Three. Do I ever say it? Three sounds right. Oh, give me one of those numbers between one and two.
Funny thing, and as a demon, you're probably very aware of this. There are infinite numbers between one and two. What hell is this? Just like... There's infinite love between one and two. Wait, who are you after? Are you after Alice Stiller Beef Lady? I swear to fucking God, if you keep calling me out, you're spoiling my game.
I'm not in a fucking room here, demon. To be honest, I haven't had a friend in a very long time. I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing. I feel like Vinny right now is casting a wide net just hoping to catch anything. I think he's going broad, not like niche. Hey, we don't call people broads around here, Dr. Fixby. No, no, no. They're hot games, idiot. No wonder your producer's mad at you. I've got so much learning. I'm not on Facebook or Instagram because I do not...
condone the toxic masculinity that fucking Zuckerberg is bringing to our social lives. But you are on OnlyFans. Of course I'm on OnlyFans. You gotta make a living out here. Vinny has great feet. You can fit a lot of them in any case. Yeah. Oh, you can fit so many feet in a guitar case. That just sounds horrific. That sounds like in order to fit the feet, you'd have to remove them from a person. Okay, doctor, fix me, you fucking weirdo.
I'm the weirdo. You're the one putting feet in a guitar case. Often when people drown, their feet are disconnected first by the scavengers and so they float away. So I grew up in Vancouver Island where it was common for sneakered feet to wash up on shore. As a demon, you grew up in Vancouver.
Vancouver Island. It's a different place. Oh, okay. Named for the same guy. Oh, okay. It's a large island roughly the size of Maryland. Look, everyone's born somewhere. There's a lot of demons from Canada. Seth Rogen. Yeah. Michael J. Fox. Michael J. Fox. Ryan Reynolds. Justin Trudeau. No, Shania Twain. Shania Twain. Shania Twain is a Canadian demon. She's a Canadian demon. It's Ontario. It's right by Wattebeg Lake.
Wow, I didn't realize that Shania Twain was a Canadian demon. She's from a mining community in northern Ontario. Do you know anything about anything? I mean, I... You're a doctor! I mean, I know about fixing people, and right now none of you have any problems to fix other than I'm the one with the problem. I'm the one with the booking issue with my producers. Look at a map of a Canada, huh? Of a Canada? Yep. There are infinite candidates between Canada and Canada.
I'm losing it here. I'm losing my mind. I'm in a cult. I accidentally summoned a demon. We did. We did. Oh, we did. Okay, good. Am I not welcome here? No, you're absolutely welcome here. We summoned you. You're welcome here, and your advice is welcome, and you are right. I do need to have a heart to heart.
heart with my producers. I do need to have a moment of reconciliation because I feel like there's clearly a distance, a discrepancy there. I feel like I really need to get in touch with my crew. And you guys fell victim to that. Can you ask him something for me? Sure, I can ask my producers. What do we win? I will ask that after the show, but I feel like...
You guys are all victims of a falling out between me and my producers. And for that, I apologize. I would also like to announce really quick, everyone tonight is going home with a mini Muggsy. A mini Muggsy! Fantastic! Keep all in the house if you want it.
Look, I think I know where to proceed from here. I think I know what I need to do. You guys are all here, and you're serving as a metaphor, as a stand-in for a glaring problem that I've been avoiding, and that is proper communication with my team. We don't run on a budget, and because of that, I...
I've got big blind spots I had 15 minutes to run to get this show started that is absolutely true I usually take an hour to get this show set up and it's all me I only had 15 minutes and in that time I'm sure I skipped something over something my producer was giving me. I messed up. It was an oversight and that's on me. So I'm going to fix that tonight. Okay? I'm going to fix that tonight. It's a safe space to boo fixing. Wait.
Oh, I didn't know if you were offering me something there, Alan. I thought you were like saying, I'll take a meatball. Yeah, I think a meatball would be a great way to wrap up this episode. Yeah. In fact, why don't we have meatballs for everyone here on stage? I feel like if we all have a meatball, I feel like this will be a great way for us to wrap this. I'm a vegetarian. You're a vegetarian, really? Beef bones. There's nothing more demonic than a Swedish meatball you buy at Ikea.
Honestly, I ate before I came. I'm fine. Oh, wow. Okay. What do demons eat? Besides couscous. Couscous. Soles. Those are not technically a meat. Let's see. Most of the time I just eat whatever people tell me. I don't want to feel like I'm being rude in their house so I don't go on about the vegetarian thing. But I do spend a lot of time dumping it underneath the table.
Demon Beefbones, you gave me excellent advice. I am going to reconnect with my producers, but you also mentioned that you may have advice for the rest of the people on stage here. Yes. Alan, all those times you were waiting to play baseball with your father. Your mother was alone with a baseball glove in the living room. Then why did she keep on saying, no balls in the house? Because she wanted to play with you outside.
You need to call her and stop dressing like her. Hey, but it's totally okay if you do. It's immaterial to me. You want me to call her right now? I don't think that's it. I'm speakerphone. You can if you want. Are you really going to call your mom at this time? For the listener at home, he's pulling out his phone.
Call your mom. No, you can't summon call your mom demon. The demon call your mom is the worst demon there is. I'm not summoning her, but he's summoning a phone call right now. Let's put her on speakerphone. This is happening. I hope she's in this time zone. She's in Eastern time. Oh, shit. And we should all be prepared if she calls you by a different name, right? Nope. Oh. Embarrassing.
My grandma always... Her birthday was yesterday. Oh. Yeah, Geraldine. We should probably leave her a message and sing happy birthday, right? Did you make an Insta post for her? Not this year, because then she asked me to make one for my dad. It's very sweet, but I'm like, I don't want anything. Is Geraldine there? What? Is Mom there? Yeah, she is. Hold on. All right, thank you. All right, everyone be quiet. We're singing happy birthday. I hope that guy's your dad.
We can hear it, yeah. Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry! Happy birthday, Geraldine! All right, well you keep on talking. Wait, you're gonna have her on the phone? Okay. Oh, hey. Hello. Commander, how you doing? Yo, I'm good. How we doing? Happy birthday, huh? Happy birthday. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear Geraldine. Happy birthday to you. Oh, thank you very much. Yay. All right, see you in hell. She's a beef lady after all.
There's a special place for her in hell. That's how she knows a demon. Wait, Beef Bones. Beef Bones, why is Geraldine going to hell? I would love to know. Yes, Beef Bones. She sold poisoned milk to school children. Oh, okay. So it's deserved. It was a whoopsie. Wow, look, I can't think of a better way to wrap up this episode. I don't think success would have been possible if it weren't for you, Demon Beefbones, who are showing me the glaring blind spot.
right in front of me that I need to sort out my shit before I bring out anyone else and see if I can fix them, alright? Physician, heal thyself, right? We are all works in progress, Dr. Fix Me. Thank you very much. Thank you. I also do therapy Zoom. Vinny, you do therapy through Zoom, not in person? No, I'm the therapist. So if you want to call, there's a service I offer. Yeah. But you don't offer it in person? Relax.
And if you subscribe to his OnlyFans, you can watch there too, and that's fun. Oh, I imagine it's a therapeutic experience watching you and, I guess, your feet on OnlyFans? I will do anything for money. Oh, all right. It's not just feet stuff. I will make you a robe. I will give you a hug. I will sing you a song. Dr. Fix Me? Yes. I think it's really important that we identify who Beef Lady would like to go out with. Oh. I want it to be clear.
You call the shots. You have a lot of options on the table right now. Not just that. I think people should also decide who the winner is of the contest. And the participants. Beef lady, that's a lot of pressure. Although you're not the one who originally said beef lady, but you've taken on the moniker. But you've taken on the moniker. So congratulations, you are now the beef lady. You're beef lady 2.0. Wait, there's two beef ladies?
Oh, my God. Hey, I just want to go on a limb and say, you can never have enough beef ladies. We don't have to fight. There are two beef ladies. I'm just saying there might be, we might have inspired a revolution. We might have an audience full of beef ladies and men or people. Beef ladies, take to the streets for Inauguration Day. Wow, okay. I don't want to... Can I run a business idea across you, Vinny?
It's called Beans on Beans, okay? And I crush your coffee with my feet. And you watch it, and then you drink it. Or you don't have to. I love it. All right. Sounds like business deals are afoot. Hey, I think with that, we need to cheers. I've got to say thank you very much, Demon Beefbones, for enlightening me. I feel like demons are giving a bad rap because for me, you've been...
My angel. Thank you very much, Demon Beefbones. Vinny Esposito, this episode couldn't be possible without your sponsorship. Thank you very much. I really appreciate you. Thank you. And of course, we got Alice and Alan. I was an ill fit for you. You know what? I don't think you were an ill fit for me. I was an ill fit for you. I'm a winner. You are? Well, I got to say. Not my prize, though. And with that said, I got to say, all of us, and especially me, have been fixed. That's our show!
Thank you for listening to Dr. Fix Me. Today's episode was recorded live at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago, Illinois, featuring Colin Kibler as Alan McYikes, Christina Salisbury as Alice Oh Yeah, Scott Campbell as Vinny Esposito, and Simon Johnson as... demon beef bones. Full video of this episode is now available on our YouTube channel at DrFixMeShow. Connect with us on social media. Follow us at DrFixMe on Instagram and TikTok and DrFixMeShow on Facebook and YouTube. Enjoy the show. Let us know.
Rate and review Dr. Fix Me on Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your audio entertainment. The Dr. Fix Me theme song was written and performed by Allison Lewis. Tech, production, and editing by Joshua Zuach. And of course, the creator, showrunner, and host of the show is Dr. Fix Me himself, Michael Kim Lewis. Yes, I was named for my father, Bones, and my mother, Beef. Was your mother a beef lady? There's only one beef lady. Nice.