Don't look we know from experience we do actually
who drinks nicotine that's why this waffle
one so it was it was just the flavoring. And we were stupid really drunk. Really? Well take a shot but Put the fucking waffle flavoring in it
waffle flavored shot. No,
no, it was more like burnt penis plate
or it did not taste good.
No, no, no.
Pretty sure that caused me to throw up that night. Or the copious amounts of alcohol one of the two
I would not doubt that.
You know what is Hi everyone. Welcome to dont look under the internet. Show where I can't think anymore. That's Jason.
Hello,
that's dumbbells, Harley Dooley. And I'm Clark Kent.
Oh God.
Not Superman. Why would you even think?
Well, yeah, you wear glasses.
Yeah, exactly. Sees Thank you. Someone gets that guy. What's his name? Rex. Rex Ruger. Yeah, whatever. He keeps coming at me. Like I think you're Superman. And unlike No, no glasses,
glasses,
I just say Rex Ruger. Yeah, this
is naming Lex Luthor.
No, no. I mean, yeah, but
which is I'm sure what I meant.
But yeah, welcome, everybody. Welcome. Welcome. It's so fun to have you on the show today. I have a tiny story that only people in the surrounding Illinois area. Understand that fucking Ice JJ fish dropped off my GrubHub order. That music career didn't really pan out too well for
you did. Really, really hone in on that niche? Yeah, target audience.
For people that don't know you might have heard him before without even knowing it. It's that guy that does a song. You know what I'm talking about? Yeah, and it goes. Yeah, girl I'm not exaggerating. That's what he sounds like. Look it up. Look up Ice JJ fish on YouTube. You'll find them. And I hope to god he's not listening. I think I'm bagging on him.
If you're listening come at us. Yeah, right.
And were you happy with your order?
Yeah, I gave him five stars. Oh, good. Any good. Give him a good tip. Thanks. Ice needs all the support. Yeah, man. So but apparently he just like he's just around that area a bunch. He was he was from Aurora. I'm pretty sure Well, yeah, that's where he filmed all his videos. Like the bridge in Aurora is there and everything but Yeah, fucking fish man that
used to be a regular at Thornton's when I worked at the gas.
Regular at the Red Lobster. Oh, well
that. Get them chatter babies.
You know? It's seafood and he's a fish. Do you get the Can we move on?
Did you know that they sell a fucking Cheddar Bay Biscuits fanny pack? It's like insulated so you can keep Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
But there's there's no end to this. This joke is there. There's no end of this joke. No End much like no end. A certain house? No End.
Under the guise of a name? No End? Correct. A job like No. No. And that's actually the rest of the audience. We're gonna.
I'm just gonna go down that corridor did where I just can only say one word and hold a door.
Back in time back. Yeah.
spoilers if you haven't watched Game if
you haven't watched Game of Thrones? Yeah. If you've watched on you Yeah. Also that
to you or you know won't make any sense whatsoever. But yeah, we are in week two of anal wean
and we're giving you another PP pasta
me our boss. This one this week. It's actually my favorite. It's very fucking creepy.
Yep. Don't Don't forget everybody as well. Like, I'm watching anymore. And that's it. Know what? Don't Don't forget everyone. Like our last Halloween episode is gonna be like a listener episode. So remember, touch that dial, dial in phone in fucking DMS or leave us a Google voicemail or messages on our Google number. Oh, yeah. Your creepy stories because we want to play them on the show. Already got one guy who we're probably gonna end up calling not want to have him calling so we can tell the
story. Yeah, so that's gonna be fun. And if you'd like to do that, come on,
please. Yeah, no, we've gotten a couple guys. Like four or five. I'd have to go back and count but yeah, a couple of you guys have sent us some some actually some pretty creepy stories. Now that if you want, like we can have you call in if it works, if it doesn't, you can leave us a voicemail otherwise we can just narrate it and add some creepy music to whatever you're
most comfortable with. Yeah, absolutely. Well have fun. Yeah, we'll make one make a day of it. And obviously, we'll credit you. Oh, yeah, this isn't gonna be just stealing your ideas. What am I at Night Shyamalan? I don't know. steal ideas. He doesn't like steal ideas for his shit. I know he didn't write the beach that turns you old. He didn't write that one. That was a graphic novel. That was but have you guys ever thought of going to the beach that turns you old?
No, no, no. Okay, well, don't go cuz it turns you off. It's right there in the name. Like there's a sign on the beach that says this beach turns you old and people will go there anyway.
And we talked about this. I feel like we've talked about this bonus episode.
Okay.
Yeah, pretty sure the worst movie I think I've ever seen in my life.
If you guys want more hot takes like this from Mike. Go ahead and visit us at patreon.com/elitist film he is and you will find that out very quickly as we go. Most of our bonus
episodes are me just complaining about movies that I'm supposed to enjoy. Yeah.
If you want to simplify it, sure, but there's also comedy. I mean, I mean, they're a lot of fun. It's just us talking about whatever we decide to talk about. Sometimes they're themes, sometimes not. But it's a great way to get more content. Not only you're going to get an extra episode a week if you subscribe to our $5 up they will all be bonus you'll also get a sticker and a shout out an episode so go check us out we have some exciting new things coming as well. So be on the lookout.
It's gonna be good. Yeah, now back to our regular episode your regular scheduled programming Oh yeah. Jason You said this is your favorite this
pasta it's well it's it's a toss up it's between two of them and sorry PP pasta PS Thank you call it what it is. Yeah, this one is a it's a story all about somebody who gets told about a one of those extreme haunted houses
like an Extreme Home Makeover, but with haunted homes and stuff. Yeah,
they will they put the ghosts in the house instead of remove them. Gotcha. So it's like the opposite. I mean house inside of a ghost. Oh.
Whoa. So like Monster House.
Yeah,
I'm stuck on that now. Well, it's monster house.
It's a van on comprehend buffering.
Steve Buscemi.
And so we're gonna go ahead and follow this little journey through a seems to be a pretty harmless on in house and
boy turmoil, the pillows does it not be that? No, not at all.
So he said we're gonna follow this journey. I really thought you were gonna say Janine,
we're gonna follow this journey. I got excited for him through Doug's haunted box tour, so without further ado,
why don't have a show with you.
Fuck it, just roll the goddamn clip
let me start off by saying that Peter Terry was addicted to heroin. We were friends in college and I continued to be after I graduated. Notice that I said I he dropped out after two years of barely cutting it. After I moved out of the dorms and into a small apartment. I didn't see Peter as much. We would talk online every now and then aim was King and pre Facebook years. There was a period where he wasn't online for about five weeks straight. I
wasn't worried. He was pretty notorious flake and drug addict. So as soon as he stopped caring, then when I saw him log on, before I could initiate a conversation, he sent me a message.
David, man, we need to talk.
That was when he told me about the no end house. Got that name because no one had ever reached the final exit. The rules were pretty simple and cliche reach the final room of the building and you went $500 There were nine rooms and all. The house was located outside the city roughly four miles away from my house. Apparently Peter had tried and failed. He was a heroin and who knows what the fuck addict so I figured the drugs got the best of him and he wigged out at the paper ghost or
something. He told me it would be too much for anyone that it was unnatural. I didn't believe him. I told him that I would check it out the next night and no matter how hard he tried to convince me otherwise $500 sounded too good to be true. I had to go. I set out the following night. When I arrived I immediately noticed something strange about the building. Have you ever seen or read something that shouldn't be scary, but for some reason a show crawls up
your spine. I walked towards the building and the feeling of uneasiness only intensified as I opened the door. My heart slowed and I let her lead sigh leave me as I entered. The room looked like a normal hotel lobby decorated for Halloween. A sign was posted in place of a worker it read room one this way. Eight more Follow reached the end and knew when I chuckled and made my way to the first store. The first area was almost laughable.
The decor resemble the Halloween aisle of a Kmart, complete with chic ghosts and animatronics zombies that gave a static growl when you pass by. At the far end was an exit. It was the only door besides the one I entered through. I brushed through the fake spider webs and headed for the second room. I was greeted by fog as I opened the door to room to the room definitely upped the ante in terms of technology. Not only was there a fog machine, but a bat hung from the ceiling Influence Circles.
Scary. They seem to have a Halloween soundtrack that one would find in a 99 cent store on loop somewhere. I didn't see a stereo but I guess they must have used a PA system. I stepped over a few toy rats that wheeled around and walked with a puff chest across to the next area. A reach for the doorknob and my heart sank to my knees. I did not want to open that door. A feeling of dread hit me so hard.
I could barely even think logic overtook me after a few terrified moments and I shook it off and entered the next room. Room three is when things began to change. On the surface, it looked like a normal room. There was a chair in the middle of a wooden paneled floor. A single lamp in the corner did a poor job of lighting in the area, casting a few shadows across the floor and walls. That was the problem. Shadows, plural. With the exception of the chairs,
there were others. I had barely walked in the door and I was already terrified. It was at that moment I knew something wasn't right. I didn't even think as I automatically tried to open the door I came through. It was locked from the other side. That set me off. Was someone locking the doors as I progressed, there was no way I would have heard them. Was it a mechanical lock that said automatically, maybe, but I was too scared to really think I turned back to the room and the
shadows were gone. The cheer shadow remained. But the others were gone. I slowly began to walk. I used to hallucinate when I was a kid so I wrote off the shadows as a figment of my imagination. I began to feel better as I made it to the halfway point of the room. I looked down as I took my steps and that's when I saw it or didn't see it. I guess my shadow was not there. I didn't have time to screen I ran as fast as I could to the other door and flung myself without thinking
into the room beyond. The fourth room was possibly the most disturbing. As I close the door, all light seem to be sucked out and put back into the previous room. I stood there surrounded by darkness, not able to move. I'm not afraid of the dark and I never have been. But it was absolutely terrifying. All site had left me I held my hand in front of my face. And if I didn't know what I was doing, I would have never been able to tell. Darkness doesn't describe it. I couldn't hear anything. It
was dead silent. When you're in a soundproof room, you can still hear yourself breathing. You can hear yourself being alive. I couldn't. I began to stumble forward after a few moments. My rapidly beating heart was the only thing I could feel. There was no door in sight. wasn't even sure there was one this time. The silence was broken by a low hum I felt something behind me. I spun around wildly but could barely even see my nose. I knew it was there the regardless of how dark it was. I knew
something was there. The hum grew louder, closer. It surrounded me. But I knew whatever was causing that noise was in front of me inching closer. I took a step back. I had never felt that kind of fear. I can't really describe true fear. I wasn't even scared I was going to die. I was scared of what the alternative was. I was afraid of what this thing had in store for me. Then, the lights flashed for a second. And I saw nothing. I saw nothing and
I knew I saw nothing there. The room was again plunged into darkness and the hum became a wild scream. screamed in protest. Couldn't hear this goddamn sound for another minute. I ran backwards away from the noise and fumbled for the door handle. I turned and fell in the room five. Before I describe room five, you have to understand something. I am not a
drug addict. I've had no idea History of drug abuse or any sort of psychosis short of childhood hallucinations, and those were only when I was really tired or just waking up. I entered the note in house with a clear head. After falling in from the previous room, my view of room five was from my back looking up at the ceiling. What I saw didn't scare me. It simply surprised me. Trees had grown into the room and towered above
my head. The ceilings in this room were taller than the others, which made me think I was in the center of the house. I got up off the floor, dusted myself off, and took a look around. It was definitely the biggest room out of all of them. I couldn't even see the door from where I was. Various brush and trees must have blocked my line of sight with the exit. Up to this point, I figured the rooms are going to get scarier, but this was a paradise compared
to the last room. I also assumed whatever was in room for stayed back there. I was incredibly wrong. As I made my way deeper into the room, I began to hear what one would hear if they were in a forest. Tripping bugs, the occasional flap or birds seem to be the only company I had in this room. That was the thing that bothered me the most. I heard the bugs and other animals but I didn't see any of them. I began to wonder how big this house was. From the outside. When I first walked up to it, it
looked like a regular house. It was definitely on the bigger side. But this was almost a full forest in here. A canopy covered my view of the ceiling, but I assumed it was still there. However high it was. Couldn't see any walls either. The only way I knew I was still inside was the floor match the other rooms, the standard dark wood paneling. I kept walking, hoping that the next tree I pass would reveal the door. After a few moments of walking, I felt a mosquito flying on my arm. I
shook it off and kept going. A second later, I felt about 10 more land on my skin at different places. I felt them crawl up and down my arms and legs and few made their way across my face. I flailed wildly to get them off, but they just kept crawling. I looked down and let out a muffled scream. To be honest, I didn't see a single bug. Not one bug was on me. But I could feel them crawling. I heard them fly by my face and stink my skin but couldn't see a single one. A drop to the ground
and begin to roll wildly. I was desperate, hated bugs, especially ones I couldn't see or touch. But these bugs could touch me and they were everywhere. I began to crawl. I had no idea where I was going. The interest was nowhere in sight. And I still hadn't seen the exit. So I just crawled my skin wriggling with the presence of those phantom bugs. After what seemed like hours I found the door. I grabbed the nearest tree and prop myself up mindlessly slapping my arms and
legs to no avail. I tried to run but I couldn't. My body was exhausted from crawling and dealing with whatever it was that was on me. I took a few shaky steps to the door grabbing each tree on the way for support. It was only a few feet away when I heard it. The low hum from before it was coming from the next room and it was deeper. I could almost feel it inside my body. Like when you stand next to an amp at a concert. Feeling of the bugs on me lesson as the hum grew louder.
As I placed my hand on the doorknobs the bugs were completely gone. But I couldn't bring myself to turn the knob. I knew that if I let go the bugs would return and there was no way I would make it back to room for I just stood there. I had pressed against the door Mark six in my hand shakily grasping the knob. The homeless soul loud. I couldn't even hear myself pretend to think there was nothing I could do but move on. Room six was next. And room
six was hell. I closed the door behind me my eyes held shut and my ears ringing. The hum was surrounding me. As the door clicked in the place. The home was gone. I opened my eyes and surprise and the door had shut was gone. It was just a wall now. I looked around in shock. The room was identical to room three, the same chair and lamp but with the correct amount of shadows this time. The only real difference was that there was no exit door and the one I came in
through was gone. As I said before, I had no previous issues in terms of mental instability. But at that moment I fell into what I know was insanity. I didn't scream I didn't make a sound At first I stretched softly. The wall was tough, but I knew the door was there somewhere. I just knew it was scratched and where the doorknob was I clawed at the walls frantically with both hands, and nails being filed down to the skin against the wood. I felt
silently to my knees. The only sound in the room was this incessant scratching against the wall. I knew it was there. The door was there. I knew it was just there. I knew if I could just get past this wall. Are you alright? A jumped off the ground and spun in one motion. I leaned against the wall behind me and I saw what it was that spoke to me. To this day. I regret ever turning around. There was this little girl, she was wearing a soft white dress that went down
to her ankles. She had long blonde hair to the middle of her back and white skin and blue eyes. She was the most frightening thing I'd ever seen. And I know that nothing in my life will ever be as unnerving as what I saw in her. While looking at her, I saw something else. Where she stood I saw what looked like a man's body, only larger than normal and covered in hair. She was naked from head to toe. But this head was not human and his toes were hooves.
It wasn't the devil. But at that moment, it might as well have been. The form had the head of a ram and the snout of a wolf. It was horrifying. And it was synonymous with the little girl in front of me. They were the same form. I can't really describe it, but I saw them at the same time. They share the same spot in that room. But it was like looking at two separate
dimensions. When I saw the girl I saw the form and when I saw the form, I saw the girl I couldn't speak, I could barely even see my mind was revolting against what it was attempting to process. I had been scared before in my life and I had never been more scared than when I was trapped in that fourth room. But that was before room six. I just stood there staring at whatever it was that spoke to me. There was no accent. I was trapped in here with it. And then it spoke again.
You should have listened.
When it spoke I heard the words of a little girl. But the other forms spoke through my mind and a voice I won't even attempt to describe. There was no other sound. The voice just kept repeating that over and over in my mind and I agreed it should have listened. David, you should have listened. David, you should have listened. David, listen. Listen. I don't know what to do. I was slipping into madness yet. I couldn't take my eyes off of what was in front of me. Uh, dropped to the floor. I thought
I had passed out. But the room wouldn't let me. I just wanted it to end. I was on my side, my eyes wide open in the form staring down at me. scurrying across the floor in front of me was one of the battery powered rats from the second room. The house was toying with me. But for some reason, seeing that rep pulled my mind back from whatever depths it was headed, and I looked around the room I was getting out of here. I was determined to get out of that house and live and never think
about this place again. I knew this room was hell and I wasn't ready to take up residency. At first it was just my eyes that moved. I searched the walls for any kind of opening. The room wasn't that big. So it didn't take long to soak in the entire layout. The demons still taunted me was growing louder as the form stayed rooted where I stood. I placed my hand on the floor, lifted myself up to all four and turn to scan the wall
behind me. Then I saw something I couldn't believe the form was now right at my back whispering into my mind how I shouldn't have come I felt it's breath on the back of my neck but I refuse to turn around. A large rectangle was scratched into the wood with a small dent chipped away in the center of it. Right in front of my eyes. I saw the large seven I had mindlessly etched into the wall. I knew what it was. Room seven was just beyond that wall,
or room five was moments ago. I don't know how I had done it. Maybe it was just my state of mind at the time. But I had created the door. I knew I had in my madness I had scratched into the wall what I needed the most and exit to the next room. Room seven was close. I knew the demon was right behind me but for some reason it couldn't touch me. I closed my eyes and place both hands on the large seven in front of me. I pushed I pushed as hard as I could. The demon was now screaming in my
ear. That told me I was never leaving. It told me that this was the end, but it was I wasn't going to die. I was going to live there in room six with it. I wasn't. I pushed and screamed at the top of my lungs. I knew I was going to push through the wall. Eventually I clenched my eyes shut and screamed and the demon was gone. I was left in silence. I turned around slowly and was greeted by the room as it was when I entered just a
chair and a lamp. I couldn't believe it, but I didn't have time to Well, it turned back to the seven and jumped back slightly. What I saw was a door. It wasn't the one I had scratched in but a regular door with a large seven on it. My whole body was shaking. It took me a while to turn the knob. I just stood there for a while staring at the door. I couldn't stay in room six. I couldn't. But if this was only room six, I couldn't imagine what seven had
in store. I must have stood there for an hour just staring at the seven. Finally with a deep breath, I twisted the knob and open the door to room seven. I stumbled through the door mentally exhausted and physically weak. The door behind me closed and I realized where I was. I was outside. Not outside like room five, but actually outside. My eyes stung I wanted to cry. I fell on my knees and tried but I couldn't, was finally out of that hell. I didn't even care about the prize
that was promised. I turned and saw that door I just went through was the entrance and walked to my car and drove home thing of how nice a shower sounded. As I pulled up to my house, I felt uneasy. The joy of leaving no end house had faded and dread was slowly building in my stomach. I shook it off as a residual from the house and made my way to the front door. I entered and immediately went up to my room. There on my bed was
my cat. Baskerville, who was the first living thing I'd seen all night and I reached a pet him. he hissed and swiped my hand. recoiled in shock as he never acted like that. I thought, whatever he's an old cat, jumped in the shower and got ready for what I was expecting to be asleep last night. After my shower, I went to the kitchen to make something to eat. I descended the stairs and turn in the family room. What I saw would be forever burned into my
mind. My parents were laying on the ground naked and covered in blood. They were mutilated to near and identifiable states. Their limbs were removed and placed next to their bodies. Their heads were placed on their chest facing me. The most unsettling part was their expressions. They were smiling because they were happy to see me. I'm vomited in solder in the family room. I don't know what happened. They didn't even live with me at the time. I was a mess. And I saw a door that was
never there before. A door with a large eight scrawled on it and blood standing in my family room but I was in room seven. The faces of my parents smiled wider as I realized this were my parents that couldn't be but they looked exactly like them. door marked eight was across the room behind the mutilated bodies in front of me. I knew I had to move on. But at that moment I gave up. Smiling Faces tore into my mind they grounded me where I stood. I vomited again and
nearly collapsed. Then the hum returned was louder than ever and it filled the house and shook the walls. The hum compelled me to walk began to walk slowly making my way closer to the door and the bodies could barely stand let alone walk. And the closer I got to my parents the closer I came to suicide. The walls were now shaking so hard it seemed as though they were going to crumble. Still, the faces smiled at me. As I inched closer their eyes
followed me. I was now between the two bodies few feet away from the door. The dismembered hands clawed their way across the carpet towards me all while the faces continued to stare. New tear washed over me and I walked faster, attended want to hear them speak, didn't want their voices to match those of my parents to begin to open their mouths in the hands were inches away from my feet. In a dash of desperation I lunged towards the door, throw it open and slammed it behind me.
Roommate I was done. After what I just experienced. I knew there was nothing this fucking house could throw at me that I couldn't live through. There was nothing short of the fires of hell that I wasn't ready for. Unfortunately, I underestimated the abilities of knowing house. Unfortunately, things got more disturbing more terrifying, more unspeakable and roommate. I still have trouble believing what I saw and roommate. Again.
The room was a carbon copy of rooms three In six, but sitting in the unusually empty chair was a man. After a few seconds of disbelief, my mind finally accepted the fact that the man sitting in the chair was me. Not someone who looked like me. It was David Williams. I walked closer. I had to get a better look, even though I was sure of it. He looked up at me and I noticed tears in his eyes. Please, please don't do it.
Please don't hurt me. What? Who? Are you going to hurt you?
This you are you're going to hurt me and I don't I don't want you to. He sat in the chair with his legs up and began rocking back and forth. It was actually pretty pathetic looking. Especially since he was me. identical in every way. Listen, who are you? I was now only a few feet away from my doppelganger. It was the weirdest experience yet standing there talking to myself. wasn't scared, but I would be soon. Why are you going to hurt me, you're going to hire me if you want to leave me.
My eyes didn't leave that small number on his chest. I knew exactly what it was. The first few doors were plain and simple. But after a while they got a little more ambiguous. Seven was scratched in the wall by my own hands. It was marked in blood above the bodies of my parents. But nine this number was on a person, a living person. We're still it was on a person that looked exactly like me. David is going to hurt me ain't going to hurt me. He was me right down to
the voice. But that nine I paced around for a few minutes. While he sobbed in his chair. The room had no door and similar to room six, the door I came through was gone. For some reason I assumed that scratching would get me nowhere. This time. I studied the walls and floor around the chair sticking my head underneath and seeing if anything was below. Unfortunately there was below the chair was a knife. Attach was a tag that read to David
from management. The feeling in my stomach as I read that tag was something sinister. I wanted to throw up in the last thing I wanted to do was remove the knife from under that chair. The other David was still sobbing uncontrollably. My mind was spinning into an attic of unanswerable questions. Who put this here and how did they get my name? Not to mention the fact that as I knelt on the cold floor, I also sat in that chair sobbing and protested being hurt by myself. It was all too much
to process. The house in the management had been playing with me this whole time. My thoughts for some reason Turn to Peter and whether or not he got this far. If he did if he met a Peter Terry sobbing in this very chair, rocking back and forth. I shook the thoughts from my head. They didn't matter. I took the knife from under the chair and immediately the other David went quiet.
David, what do you think you're going to do?
I lifted myself from the ground and clinch the knife in my hand. I'm going to get out of here. David was sitting in the chair. So he was very calm now. He looked up at me with a slight grin. I couldn't tell if he was going to laugh or strangle me. Slowly he got up from the chair and stood facing me. It was uncanny. His height and even the way he stood matched mine. I felt the rubber hilt of the knife in my hand and gripped it
tighter. I don't know what I was planning on doing with it, but I had a feeling I was going to need it.
Now I'm going to hurt you. I'm going to hurt you and I'm going to keep you here.
I didn't respond. I just launched and tackled him to the ground. It mounted him and looked down knife poised and ready. He looked up at me terrified. It was like I was looking into a mirror. Then the hum returned. Low and distant. Though I still felt it deep in my body. David looked up at me as I looked down at myself. The hum was getting louder. I felt something inside was snapped. With one motion I slammed the knife into the patch on his
chest and ripped down. Blackness fell on the room and I was falling. The darkness around me was like nothing I'd experienced up to that point. Room four was dark. But it didn't come close to what was completely engulfing me. I wasn't even sure if I was falling after a while. I felt weightless, covered in the dark. Then a deep sadness came over me. I felt lost, depressed and suicidal. The sight of my
parents and in my mind. I knew it wasn't real, but I had seen it in the mind has trouble differentiating between what is real and what isn't. The sadness only deepened I was in room nine for what seemed like days. Final room and that's exactly what it was. The end. No in house had an end and I had reached it. At that moment I gave up. And who would be in that in between state forever, company but nothing but darkness. Not even the home was there to keep me
sane. I had lost all senses. I couldn't feel myself couldn't hear anything. sight was completely useless here. It searched for a taste in my mouth and found nothing. I felt disembodied and completely lost, and knew where I was. This was hell, whom nine was hell. That's when it happened. A light. One of those stereotypical lights at the end of the tunnel, felt ground come up from below me and I was standing. After a moment or two of gathering my thoughts and senses. I slowly walked
toward that light. As I approached the light it took form. It was a vertical slit down the side of an unmarked door, slowly walked through the door and found myself back where I started. The lobby of no end House, who was exactly how I left it still empty, still decorated with childish Halloween decorations. After everything that had happened that night, I was still wary of where I was. After a few moments of normalcy, I looked around the place trying to find anything
different. On the desk was a plain white envelope with my name handwritten on it. Immensely curious, yet still cautious. I mustered up the courage to open the envelope. Inside was a letter again, handwritten
David Williams, congratulations. You have made it to the end of no end house. Please accept this prize as a token of great achievement. Yours forever. Management.
Within the letter were $500 bills. couldn't stop laughing and laugh for what seemed like hours. I laughed as I walked to my car and laughed as I drove home. I laughed as I pulled into my driveway and I laughed as I opened my front door to my house. And I left as I saw the small 10 etched into the wood
Wow, what a shitty house.
Yeah, I wouldn't want to live there. No, it sounds fucking awful. At least he got paid. Yeah, although was
not enough money also didn't
escape. That's what I mean. So it didn't give him money. But it gave him 500 bucks renews. But how do you spend that if you're still in that
old? I don't think you do. It's one of those. Like, deal with the devil. Like, yeah, you'll get what you want. But there's some fucking catastrophic consequences that come with
it, I suppose. All I know is if I was in a haunted house, like the no end house, and I come to a room where it's me crying on a chair. And I'm presented with a knife. I'm stabbing me in chair. Because I mean, this motherfucker has already come by like five people that he knows aren't real. You know what I mean? So at that point, you know, this ain't a real you,
but also kill him. Think of like the fucking mental trauma that would come from something like that. Like it
might be very cathartic if anything. Finally, finally, I get to see what it's like to just just beat me up.
I needed a good ask.
So I decided to fuck
me. Yeah, that's it. Me. I'm tired of me.
I guess I'm curious about one thing though. Like, how did Dude get out of the house?
Oh, he didn't. Peter. Oh, Peter. Yeah. So
I actually I was curious about that, too. And I went through the comments to find out and people think that when our protag here, David walked up to the house initially and open the door to the lobby. He said that he got through this like, like gut wrenching like fear feeling that a lot of people think that Peter just never made it past that. He technically failed doing it because he went up to the lobby and just decided not even to go in the lobby.
That makes sense.
makes a little sense. Yeah. Oh, but this this shitty house is going to help me segue into my thing, which is love drinking. What are we drinking?
Now? It is almost Well, hold on. Let's let's make you not a liar. Okay, go ahead. Yeah.
Anyway, I'm going to start the song now. Go ahead. What are we drinking? What are we thinking? There's a bottle here and it's empty. Yeah. So what are you people?
Well, it is empty. Yeah, there's
a lot more wrong. Oh, man, that must suck. See? So what are you You boys drinking because I am not partaking in that one.
This is I'm drinking Bud Light bottom shelf. Canadian clubs only good
for seven and sevens. And I didn't bring sprite in the room
seven and segra seven and sevens is Seagrams Oh, you're
right. because it's I just bought all the wrong things so I bought like the fucking poor man you bought
you bought what homeless people buy? Well, I was there's two alcohols that the homeless by its Canadian Club, which is what we have now and
yes. Oh my god. So before we take the shot I had a conversation with somebody at work today. And their husband says his favorite whiskey is Evan Williams.
Por Porcel
Diaz that mean as a man that's had Evan Williams before it's not the worst
day it could be better. What do you
what do you drink like 6080 $100 bottles of whiskey that is
get your fancy boot shot. Don't ever buy
bottles like that, but when I've had those whiskies you then it makes you realize, wow,
that's dog water. Yep. Yeah, well,
speaking of dog water,
yeah, going
back Yes.
Let's drink this dog water. Oh my God. He did the same thing to me you dickhead.
Yeah, those are filled to the brim.
Hey, we finished the bottle and we I didn't want to be a liar in front of Mike. Thank you. This is J
hate that too. But yeah, that's that's no one house and it's very fun and good job. So why don't you boys just click it and drink it for the people at home real quick.
Eddie.
Go there you go. Good, boys. Boy wasn't that delicious? You guys looked like you almost died. Here's a little TIFIA pro tip for all of you at home. I usually the people you know when we clink it. They drink with us stop at home. Don't drink Canadian Club. No. Unless they sponsor us at some point. Then we bring it back club. No,
probably if we're sponsored. Yeah.
Or Or ever fucking running. Funds.
I will sell out hard. Canadian Club where? Yeah.
Oh, yeah. Do any whiskey that gives us some endorsements. Unless they like actively killed immigrant children or something like that. Like Sure.
send it my way. Please just give me free
whiskey. I'm kidding guys. Do you have standards?
Oh, well, yeah, boys a good job today and good job to all of you at home listening. You know,
I think Doug deserves our audience's attention here. So you know everyone in our audience thank you so much for being here for the past you know six or seven months that'd be that's been so fantastic that you haven't left moved eaten or made noise aside from when we press the button.
Good job all you the job of the audience members to they haven't moved in many a moon. Yeah,
absolutely. So this one's for you might go and fucking hit that button. There that's Wait, they're clapping themselves right aren't they
the audience members? Yeah, they're for themselves. Yeah, they're patting themselves on the
back. Ah, fucking stop this shit. You
don't get to do that. Oh, that is my job is to keep them in line. You're right I should Alright, well, you already shut them.
Yeah, they're pretty quiet. Wow,
I can't believe you took my job you fuckers
make another noise this episode Cox chalk. I'm gonna replace everyone's esophagus with somebody else's esophagus.
I thought we talked about replacing them with geese. Oh, yeah. bunking geese.
Well, they they? I wanted to do that man.
Me and Laurie have a character that we created named marmalade. And it's a goose that brings you bad news. And he's like He flies by and he's like, he's got like patches of like feathers missing. He's fine. Like personally, he's okay. But like he just looks raggedy and beat up like he's just been through like, Gary Busey of geese. Yeah. Okay, like fly by. Are you here? Can you see like you want? Gary goosey? goosey?
loosey goosey. You'll be just like having a nice day just strolling down just taking a nice walk and you just hear oh, cuz he's like really sad. Oh, and you're like oh fuck, it's marmalade. Where is he just comes like, flapping down and he like kind of tumbles on the ground and he presents you the letter and it's like, what is it? Oh god. Oh god, I got AIDS. Marmalade No, he's just wow. And then he flies away and marmalade
the depression goose?
Yeah, yes. Yeah, this is just because you're he always has to deliver bad news. He or and he also kind of has bad news. Like you see him like stumble in and then he like kind of like brushes himself off by like limps away and you're like, oh, god marmalade like, you don't gotta do this. But like he does it because it's his job. And he's trying to support his family.
Yes. Is that a lot of time?
To give a goose a life story. Yeah, purpose.
Thank goose. A goose is
purpose
on that note. Thank you for joining us on the second and yeah, CD pasta.
Well, it's still the first annual chaser a no means B feel
no it BB I mean, it's like the second creepy. Oh, yeah. Going to Yeah. To have PT pasta. Jason, since it's yours. You sign us off today.
Oh, yeah. I forgot we were doing this. I gotta cover all the bases. Sure. Okay,
I'm not gonna sit here and stare at you without blinking while you attempt this and I'm gonna watch I woke it up.
I'm going to be cuz the social shade is not my shit but thank you guys so much for listening. This is been a This has been so much fun to do. We love doing these little audio dramas especially preview passes like this. They're fantastic and they're perfect for Halloween Yeah, you know what else is perfect for Halloween keep it
up. If you were to go ahead and visit us at linktree.com/pod pod you can find all of our important links and our latest YouTube video you can find our latest episode on Apple podcasts on Spotify pretty much anywhere you might want to listen to us recently on Facebook podcast yes we recently got accepted well invited and accepted to Facebook podcast so if you can
figure out how to get there good job
Yes, I can actually just click on our Facebook profile
yeah if you click on our profile you'll see like some posts and every time that our our feed gets updated we will get an update our page saying here you can listen to this audio it's it belongs to them but we're hosting it but now he's Facebook. Yeah, there you know,
thinks you multi conglomerate business that deserves to be shut down.
That was your seven hour depression nap yesterday.
Thanks Zark mucker Berg, fucking asshole.
Fuck, Zucker nuts,
soccer fucked effect, but no visits there. You can also videos you can buy as a coffee. Well, if we're being honest, you're buying us a beer and buy me a coffee.com/blue pod. You can also visit our Patreon which that obviously has a lot going on right now. We are in the middle of a ton of content we are about to hit our first goal which is super fucking exciting.
We just got done recording I puppy our world, our first world building episode for a full d&d homebrew campaign that I wrote, and Mike Doug and a few friends will be partaking in. So check that out. Also, if you want some bonus content, some some just more of what we talked about. Certainly topical but it's more disjointed, friendly conversation. So if you enjoy what we talked about or how we talk or
we're mostly drunk during it,
yeah, and it's a very drastic change from the creepy shit we talked about here. It's usually arguing about movies or fantasy. Half
of our episodes are just movie arguments. Cloverfield, especially that lane and Nicolas Cage and Cloverfield are two very popular topics for us. So yeah, check us out again. patreon.com/deluded pod. You get a sticker
if you want more stickers, yes, the merch store too is a pretty cool place.
Yep, it's in our descriptions on all our socials
every single description is going to have our merch link you can buy so much stuff. We've got fucking facemask. We've got hoodies, we've got a fucking wall tapestry that only costs like $22 That's huge. Pretty cool. Yeah, it's fantastic. We're actually going to be buying one of those because we just need more decor in our studio.
We're getting tired of looking at all the a carton egg combs the
guitars like just the drab wall we need some fucking spice in our life. So yeah, as the Spice Girls might say, spice up your life. Thank you thank you so much. Um, check us out on facebook instagram, twitter, any kind of social media we're active on all of them
if your messages yes I'm also
really upset nobody's fax me their asshole. Yeah, yeah, we
don't have any fax holes from anyone and therefore we cannot send out any fax holes to anyone so please fax us at the numbers 911 I think
yeah,
make sure you type urgent and the
okay please don't do this because if you do and then references we are fuck
Also don't forget to call and leave a voicemail yes Google phone number.
Yeah, we are we are using that a ton this month. So we are using this number to kind of collect voicemails from you guys about some creepy experiences. And that's what we're going to be doing for our very last anal wean episode.
And guess what? I don't know. It's like annual anal We
were drunk when we came up with it. I think it was Anil with the original idea was analog horror Halloween. So we're like anal mean, and that makes sense to me. But I we're not doing that. So
don't forget that the Google phone number is 630-909-9366 once again that is 63090993661 more time Jason that is 630 I got 546 12 Nine 820-630-4030 Fucking we've already seen that the rules of threes a thing but you'd never let me have it.
Honestly, I think this version of rules of three or six or
09098366 Yeah So I think I fucked it up but whatever. You got it the first thing. You got it. You
got it. Definitely not in any of our descriptions at all. Yeah, we're
actually it is not I know.
That was a slight nod. No Do you
I know you're like come on fucker. Yeah, we'll get your thing I know I'll post it in there.
Don't know Don't forget your tag.
Oh no, I'm not forgetting that I'm saving the best for last there but, um, I don't know expect so next week we are going to be talking. We're not talking about we are going to be giving you guys the narration of a lifetime when we talk about Doug's favorite creepy buster. Don't you want to give it just a very vague very very vague Yes. Well there was hoping for vaguer but that's fine. No, it's it. You guys are in for a treat next week. It'll be a fantastic read.
ABS enjoyed this episode. But most importantly, and the only reason that we can actually make these episodes is if you are paranoid. We actually have a new we're developing an app called the paranoid meter.
I really thought like, totally derail this right now. I thought you were gonna be like, it's possible is made possible by the listeners from PBS. Here we go. Like you. Yeah, exactly.
He knew exactly what I was
trying to get out of my mouth hole. Oh, yeah,
absolutely. Cuz that was fucking drilled into my brain after every WT TW show or PBS show. Yeah, exactly.
neuter your pets. Okay, Bob Barker. What? What are new to your pets? Goodbye, everyone. I'm gonna go fuck my wife you can use that
and actually mean it now again?
Yeah, yeah, that's my wife. Have you used that all the time? That well? Thank God
Jason. Wait, sorry. I'm not gonna go fuck my wife yet. Jason. tagline go quick. Okay, fuck my wife.
Everybody. I know you've been waiting for it. I know. This whole episode has been very very creepy. very terrifying. But that's all the more reason for you to make a new room in your house that is kind of hidden like make it like look like a wall. But make a room there. And go sit in there. There's no lights. There's no sound there's no nothing. It's just your personal paranoia room. Go in there. And stay the fuck paranoid. Because honestly, that's the only reason we keep the lights on it's like
a name for these rooms. panic rooms nope nope. Back Don't mind me.
Oh no, we're not doing the are we going to the back rooms again? Are you fucking one of the back rec rooms all
the backers? Oh no. Whoa, I
know a couple of Patreon Oh would be very happy with that but thank you guys so much. Um, tune in next week for some more creepy chili stories.
I just came back from back room for 26 Nine that's literally it was just a wall that says hi everyone
my Baba Baba.
Love you right? Slept slept them fucking fucking beans. Do like hey, this guy that just talked for 48 Fucking misses get sick but ya know just like your pains get up and that's fine. Slap your penis against your penis. Slap Slap your facts hold against your mirror cannot hold
your facts hold your taxable I think none of us
