Don Pritts Big Book Workshop 6th Session

And thank well before taking this step. Uh down North Carolina I got the opportunity to sponsor a warden down there. That was fine. He uh called me into his office and asked me to sponsor him. I said, Well Yeah, I think I'll do that one. And I've waited for years to get my hands on one of you guys. İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim. I said, Well and I've already checked with Tom, he thinks it's a good idea. Had some wonderful times with him.

When we finally got to here, he said, I am truly ready to take the third step. And I said, Good, go home. And think about it and come back and tell me tomorrow. And he called me the next day and he says, I've been thinking about it and I'm really not sure I can do it. So I got this prison to run. Υπότιτλοι AUTHORWAVE I don't stay on the cup. Okay. I gotta take charge of this. And we worked our way through that. His great fear was the same one I had.

If I do this I'll become a snowflake. That's the way he put it. And he had this view that as a warden of this prison he had to be He calls me now and he says this is the snowflake. Remarkable things happen. He took this step and pursued the rest of it, made his amends, began working with people, and resigned as warden of a prisoner. He became an auction. Love it He resigned just about the same time he retired, so it was no big deal. Amen.

But he understood he didn't belong there anymore. That may or may not happen to him at all. When we got to resentments he didn't have any. We had to redefine what resentment was before we could even do it. Got through with that and he didn't have any fears. And uh we had to redefine what fear was so we could get a handle on it. Oh yeah. Of course he didn't have any fear. He was terrified when he was Right. I didn't have any time for Pharaoh. Anyway.

What do you think of the step? Or the prayer? I I have difficulty these days'cause there are there are no numbers on the steps for me, only when we're doing them this way. This is a whole process. If you look at the seven-step prayer, it's this same prayer with teeth in it. What happens in between is meeting Clearing away the things that are blocking. Let's see what the purpose is. First well no wait a minute. Do you all want to say the third step together? 자막 제공 및 광고를 포함하고 있습니다.

Продолжение следует... It used to be I let everybody take all the time they needed to come to this conclusion. But this same Los Angeles bunch up in Santa Barbara, they were my training ground. We've gone over all the stuff we've gone. It took us till late Saturday to get here, starting on Friday night, and uh we spent nearly two hours debating. Whether we should do this or not. I know. This is from people who came to the monastery just to do this. Ha ha ha.

We finally got the debate done, everybody got on their knees and said the search third step prayer and we got up and two people said it didn't count'cause I didn't mean it. Yeah. So I gave everybody a break. And uh came back and just said, I'm going out in the garden to say the Thursday prayer. Anybody wants to come can come with me and they all came. It was it was a nothing. But aren't we funny? So uh I'm not gonna ask you if you wanna do it more than once.

I'm gonna say the Thursday prayer so we move on. And and and I don't believe God cares how we meet him as long as we do. We can sit, we can stand, we can kneel, we can hold hands. Allah'a emanet. It doesn't matter unless it matters to you. Thank you. One time we did this and the fellow says, I really don't want to join with the group. It's a very private thing for me. And that's perfect for five. It doesn't diminish itself. God. Thank you. Grenadier and the bind is uh Take away my day.

Amen. Thank you. Thank you.

Next we launched out on a course as vigorous at The first step of which is a personal house claim. Which many of us had never attempted. Th though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face and to be rid of the things in ourselves which had been blocked. That promise made it possible for me to face the past.

There's no way I could have faced some of the the things I had done had it not been for the promise face and be rid of. That's the freedom. So it's not about me finding out who I am. It's about me finding out who I'm not. And we'll get rid of that and whoever I am will simply show up. It comes to discover a problem.

I couldn't have faced what I did with the children. Putting them in jeopardy like that, yelling at them, running around the country. I never beat my children. They were in constant jail. Our liquor was but a symptom. We had to get down to causes and conditions. We're walking away from alcohol. Make no mistake, Alcoholics Anonymous is still about alcoholics drinking alcohol.

But eventually we have to understand that alcohol is just a symptom of the real problem. My real problem is my sense of separation from God. That's the real problem. Thinking I'm unique, thinking I'm different, thinking I'm separate. That's my problem. Lack of power.

So we start on the inventory. Now I find three different formats for inventory in here. I'm gonna just briefly run over'em just because you asked me to. The first one talks about resentment. First of all I have to be convinced the self manifested in various ways is what's caused my failure. You didn't cause my failure. Self manifested in various ways what's caused my failure.

So we consider ourselves common manifestations and resentment is the number one offender. It kills more alcoholics than anything else. From its stem all forms of spiritual disease. Bingo, I got it. Resentment is not an emotional problem, nor is it a mental problem. Resentment is a spiritual It's the granddaddy of all of'em. That's what it says. From resentment stem all forms of spiritual disease.

We've not only been mentally and physically ill, we have been spiritually sick. I didn't know you could get sick spiritually. I thought if you were spiritual you were fine. Amen. You can get rid of sex for it. İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim. Gosh, she was sixty two years old when she got sober. Sober six years before she came to a wonderful old lady.

A very spiritual old woman. She's in her eighties and she told us one time Υπότιτλοι AUTHORWAVE Now that I'm spiritual, I look down on people who look down on people. So because we were going for perfection at the time. She wouldn't let us know. Lighten up. When the spiritual malice overcome, we straighten out mentally and physically. What a relief that is for me. I don't have to go to a psychiatrist. I don't have to take medication. I just have to bear up under the

Until I get cleared of this and then I'll straighten out mentally and physically. That's the promise. And the promise has been kept. I've straightened out mentally and physically. I'm getting old. Some of the parts don't work quite right anymore. In our days when... Goofy is just a lifestyle. But I'm no longer mentally or physically ill, nor spiritually sick. Now why? We've been asked to ask ourselves what these spiritual terms mean to us, so I'll tell you what that means to me.

It's gonna be important. But I understand

The reason that resentment is a spiritual disease is that it separates me from you. First of all. And anything that separates me from the children of God separates me from God. And the only thing that can separate me is my resentment or fear of you. Okay. Secondly, if I resent you, you own me. You don't even have to be in the same place and you own me. You're r running my thinking. If I'd have said this, he'd have said that, I'd have done this, he'd have done that.

And I'm stirred up and my life is a mess and you're not even here, you may even be dead. And I am sick to death of being owned by the kind of people who would piss me off. Okay? So in dealing with resentments we set'em on paper. And when I work with people I just use the checklist. Have we done that yet? No. How do we do that? And there's a format here. And I don't want to spend a whole lot of time going over it'cause it's here.

Okay. And the writing of the inventory, as far as I'm concerned, is nowhere near as important It's a section between what I call the third and the fourth column. There's three columns here who I'm mad at, why I'm mad'em, and what aspect itself is being hurt or threatened. That's easy to get a hold of.

But I have to eventually get down to where I search myself and ask myself where have I been at fault here? And I won't be able to answer that until I go through this. And I am going to spend some time here on page sixty six. We're promised a new mind. Here's what it looks like and here's what it thinks like. This is the change, the first of the changes. We finish the inventory and we take a look at it and realize that uh Thank you.

A life that contains deep resentment leads to only fertility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that may have been worthwhile? And I love the word squander. That's deliberate, conscious. Thank you. of a resource. Knowing full well I'm wasting it, throwing it away anyway. For the alcoholic who sofers the maintenance and growth of the spiritual experience, this business of resentment is infinitely grave.

We found it as fatal, for when harboring such feelings we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the Spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns when we drink again, and for us to drink is to die. If we are to live we have to be free of anger. It's a whole new thought. It doesn't say I'm not going to get angry. But I must get free of it. I cannot harbour it, I cannot nurse it. I cannot let it fester.

When they first sent me into therapy when I was nineteen I was really a pissed off young fellow. I was just beginning to learn how to make resentment pay. And the techniques I used was they put a... I was mad at my dad. They had a punching bag and they had me picture his face on the punching bag and then whip on it so I could express the anger. Didn't work for me. Thank you. Got me really involved in the anger. I loved it. Doesn't matter if she's like, just...

So those things won't work for me. I have to be free of the anger. There's a whole new thought. People talk about justifiable anger. Okay. Fact is it'll still kill me, justify it or not. I've got to be free of it. The grouch and the brainstorm are not for us. You're taking away all my toys if you do that. to grouch in the brainstorm, that's what I do in my spare time. Ha ha ha.

I watch guys walking down the street these days holding conversations with people I can't see. And I know what they're doing'cause I used to do that. They're talking to that son of a bitch. That they hope they never find, but they're talking to them anyway. And they win every argument. The grouch in the brainstorm. brainstorm, flashes of light, brilliant ideas. I'll get him. Altyazı M.K. To this day one of the most comfortable emotional cloaks I can put on is righteous anger. Just feels good.

A while back we were doing a step run with a bunch of people and I came on one of those and I waited two weeks before I rode on it because I knew it'd go away if I did. And it's just so warm and nice. Didn't express it, didn't go after any allies, I just nursed it until it was It's about to kill me when I finally got rid of it. And of course they're petty.

Grafts and brainstorm are not for us. Those are ideas that I have to get a hold of now. Because when those things come up, I cannot nurse them. I need to know down in my heart, not for me, I gotta get free of this. It's really not fair, you know. The rest of the world gets to get pissed and stay that way. Even when I'm right. I don't get to say that. Mm-hmm.

They may be the dubious luxury normal men, but for alcoholics these things are poison. I accept that. That's part of the new thought process we're going to enter into here. Now we turn back to the list for Hell A Key to the Future. We're prepared to look at it from an entirely different angle. My second edition says we were prepared to look for it from an entirely different angle because it was a printer's error.

Uh but in the Denver Young People's Group years ago we probably spent three weeks of meetings wasting time on which it was for or it. Found a first edition, found out it was it, and then spent three more weeks deciding That they both mean the same thing in this context. Thank you. Υπότιτλοι AUTHORWAVE We began to see that the world of its people really dominated us. If I resent you, you own me.

In that state the wrongdoing of others, fancy to real, had the power to actually kill. And I asked Bruce, how do I tell the difference between fancy and real, Bruce? He said, if you're involved in it, it's fancy. Clears that up. Well we d we discussed that earlier. That's true. If I'm emotionally involved in it, it's fancy, just not what really happened. It's my reaction to what really happened. Thank you. And I'd rather believe that than die.

How could we escape? We saw these resentments must be mastered. We couldn't wish them away any more than we could alcohol. This is our course. It doesn't say quickly right so This is our call. We realize the people who wronged us were perhaps spiritually sick. I'm to ask myself what that means. And he's got a kicker in there. I don't get to say that's a six son of a I get to say perhaps

They're spiritually sick. Now what does that mean to me? When I'm spiritually sick, I'm cut off from my spiritual soul. Maybe, just maybe, you're behaving madly too because just a change in my viewpoint toward you. It doesn't make you right, doesn't make you anybody wrong. Just means I'm gonna look at it a little differently. Maybe there's a reason you're acting the way it is, and it has nothing to do with I tend to take personal attacks personally and they're not always personal.

Though we did not like the symptoms and the way they disturbed us, they like ourselves were sick too. So our answer is we asked God to help us show them the same tolerance, pity, and patience we would cheerfully grant a sick friend. At that time it was really hard on me. 'Cause I did not grant sick people patients pity and tolerance. They scared I had to have a script for everything. And the only script for visiting with sick people is Is there anything I can do for you?

Did not want to ask that question. With sick people there's only a few things you can do for'em. Change a bedpan. Sit with me for a while and read to me. Hell I'm busy, I've got things to do. I couldn't do it.

So I'm giving it out. When a person offended, we said to ourselves, This is a sick man. How can I be helpful to him? God save me from being angry. Thy will be done. God save me from being angry. So here we're in the middle of a prayer and here's a couple more prayers. We avoid retaliation or argument. And that usually doesn't mean out here for me. I don't do much arguing out here never yeah. I just walk off, screw you. Yeah. Oh, if I stay, I get beat up. Exactly.

What I have to avoid is the retaliation and argument that goes on here. I must avoid that. Ah, this one will kill me. We wouldn't treat sick people that way. If we do, we destroy our chance of being helpful. We cannot be helpful to all people, but at least God will show us how to take a kind and tolerant view toward each and everyone. And I figured now I'd got him. I'm sitting in a cell.

At this point, said to God, okay, here's one for you. Show me how to take a kind of intolerant view toward Adolf Hitler. In my smug little alcoholic mind sat and waited. And it wasn't all that long that I was thinking about Volkswagen. Well, it was his car. He stole it from Porsche, but he gave it to the people. It may have been the only decent thing the man ever did. That was unimportant.

What was important is that I had asked to be shown how to take a kind and tolerant view and that prayer got answered. I was shown how. And that's what's important. So I began to have a different mind. I'm thinking a little bit differently.

Today it's even more specific when I make that prayer. Dear God, I am so mean spirited that I can't seem to find a way to take a kind of ton of you here. Please show me. I need to admit my own meanness. The longer I stay sober and living as a spiritual being, the fewer defenses I have against my own nasty meanness. Please show me how to do this. Hij always does. There's a whole new way of thinking. Now I can go to these questions. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done.

And there's a new thing I'm hearing among big book people that disturbs me. They go into this fourth column looking for their part. That ain't what this says. If I'm only looking for my part, I assume you still have a part. And that isn't what this says. I'm going to put out of my mind entirely anything you may have done and look for where I was wrong, it says. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others have done with resolutely for our own mistakes. I'm totally at fault here.

Entirely. It's as if you had never happened what you did. It's an ancient spiritual principle that we're getting a chance to work with here. And I asked some real specific questions. Where was I selfish, dishonest, self-seeking, affright? Uh or was I at fault? Trying to disregard the other person entirely, it says. Where was I to blame? What was my mistake? Set me free. My first inventory was a lie because I didn't do it this way. I just made a list of important bad shit that I had done.

Took it to my sponsor and he wouldn't look at it. He said it's garbage. He wrote it to impress me. Get away. So I went to somebody who would listen. I'd tell him one of the things I'd done and he'd say, Oh well that wasn't that bad. When I tell him something else I'd done he'd say, Oh, that wasn't that bad. And I woke up. But I had once again picked somebody who'd tell me what I wanted to hear so I didn't have to change anything. Because some of them was that bad.

But if I didn't stop immediately, and it was immediate, that I would die a very ugly death. I'm not afraid of death. There's a lot of things I don't want to die of, but I'm not afraid of death itself. But to die an ugly death means I'm gonna have to live an ugly life for some period of time. And I can't think about that. So I'm back and did it this way. It was a shabby little inventory. Hell I didn't have that much mind left. But I got this. Thank you.

Out of it comes the beginnings of my amends list, if you will. Once I identify where I'm at fault, then I know what I have to do to get square with you. nineteen sixty six. It's it's high drama time. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Yeah. a number of years and we finally got in just a little place and were trying to put it back together and the Federal Federal Narcotics people came to my house. And they don't come gently.

One came through the front door literally and one came through the back door literally and one came through a side window. They knocked me to the ground and handcuffed me and stood on my neck and called me sixteen times the sons of bitches'cause that's the job. Uh, my young son let out a shriek and this cop swung around with his pistol and almost shot my boy.

Just a reaction. You know, when they come after people like me they're used to getting shot at, so they they're really Υπότιτλοι AUTHORWAVE I nursed that resentment for a long, long time. He was on my list and I did it this way. And what I discovered in essence is that I invited him into my house.

I was his job that day. I'd been bringing marijuana into this country and not paying the tax on it. And that pisses a lot. Well that's what the federal tax is the Federal Tax Act, a hundred dollar an ounce tax on the stuff. The other guy I was mad at was the guy that hired me to do that job because he's the one who turned us all in. to keep him on the penitentiary himself, he turned upon what he said. I wasn't too fond of him either.

But in going through this process, what I realized was I should be grateful to that cop. He almost shot my son. He didn't shoot my son. He was a thorough, competent professional. But I had complete control of the situation and as a result did not hurt my boy. I hurt my boy by putting him in that situation. I still don't like their way of coming to the house. Ha ha ha. But then if you're tired of getting arrested, quit going where the scops. Yes, that's true.

And the upshot of it was that if I ever encounter that officer, I owe him an apology. For putting him in a position where he almost shot a five year old Yeah. I might stand ready if I ever meet Him. to try to get square with that. I don't think he even gives a damn. But I do. I put him in a bad spot.

And the only way I can make em real true amends to any of those guys is that I don't smuggle dope anymore. So I'm no longer their business and they don't come to my house. I don't have'em for dinner either. I'm not really not interested in people who think like they think. Well I'm really glad that they're out there.

Now Albert, who hired us for the job, turning us in. Yeah. I can't be mad at Albert. I knew Albert was a snake when I said yes. That's the kind of people I hung out with. I just figured I was slicker and faster and I thought everybody in the system would play fair. I thought they had to catch you doing it. No, they don't. They had enough evidence to convict us.

It wasn't Albert's fault, it was my fault. I put us in a position to do that. This began to get me free, is what I'm trying to tell you. inventory my dad whom I was angry with for some some things he did. I got to realize that he'd done the very best he could with what he had. It'd have been passed on to him. And there's no No guidebook for raising children in the thirties and forties. He did the best, he cut. In fact, he did better than I did.

My dad was always there. I didn't like him, but he was always there. We didn't move around a lot. He never went to prison and put me in a foster home. I couldn't say that for my kid. I'm a step past that. Maybe I ought to like nothing to get off his back. He'd done the very best he could with what he had, and it wasn't good enough, in my mind. And then I realized, hey, I've been doing the very best I could too. And it wasn't good enough. Maybe I can find a better way. There's some freedom here.

Okay, that's that's one one format. Four columns. Uh however you wanna write it. It shows four columns here. We got experts here that'll show you how well Thank you. You gotta do it just right. Wonderful thing happens here in the Ferrari Metroid. It's a separate format. the the way I was taught to do it. I've I've got samples here but we're short on time too. What I'm afraid of, why I'm afraid of it And where self reliance is failing.

Got a real short piece here, the clear, clean example of that old timey stuff. Oh my god. Some people throw the stuff away. I think it's important that the people I'm working with see just exactly how I do it. And then they can decide whether they want to do it that way or not. Come on pal, let me do it now. Mm-hmm. I was afraid of being without money. Of course this happened when I was without money. It it happened right after I rotated. Be being your trustee just broke me.

So I'm sitting in the basement of my house. With my car in the garage upstairs and my family running around upstairs and the dog running around upstairs wondering where's mom? I'm sitting in the basement of it. I'm afraid of being without money because I'm afraid that my wife will leave me. I'm afraid of being without money because I'm afraid my creditors will yell at me. And I'm afraid of things without money because it will prove that I'm a failure.

I'm afraid of being without money because I'm afraid my wife will stay. Because she'll be making all the money and she'll be down on me all the time. And of course by now I'm beginning to see you this is really silly shit here. Okay. And it's all based on self. I want her to stay'cause I'm okay if she's there. I'm d getting dependent on her. Which she does not like, by the way. Then allow.

I'm trying to please everybody, like the creditors, even people who don't even know me. Their whole job is to yell at me. They're trained to yell at you. That's their job. They should be young, actually. You made a promise you didn't keep them. And they want to know why. And when you're going to take care of it. And have a right to ask all that. Anyway, the upshot of it was I began to see once again how silly the fear itself.

I know what was happening is that I truly wasn't trusting and relying upon God. So I got up from that inventory and went to work. I mean I had a job. All I'd do is go to work and I'd make some money, just I was afraid of being without money. We're so goofy. Amen. Perhaps there's a better w way, we think so. This is marvelous stuff. We're not on a different basis, the basis of trusting and relying upon God.

We trust infinite God rather than our finite selves. We are in the world to play the role He assigns. The inventory showed me who I was assigning all signing Jackie a role of being with me and taking care of me and making me okay. I'm assigning the creditors a roll. Don't be nasty with me. Uh I'm assigning everybody roles when I'm afraid. No wonder I'm afraid. I know you're not gonna get your lines right. That's playing God. I gotta quit doing that.

Just to the extent that we do as we think he would have us and humbly rely on does he enable us to match calamity with surrender. And serenity I had to look up. 'Cause I had the picture the serenity was floating like a zephyr in the soft summer air. Hell I've been there. That's not what we're talking about. I I can get that with some really good Guatemalan gold. And I know that isn't it.

I looked it up in the big three volume Websters and one of the definitions says that serenity is clarity of thought. And that's the one that I look for. If I have clarity of thought, if I'm clear in my thinking, It's like floating on like a zephyr on the south side. I don't think much faces me, okay? Bruce hooked me with that. He said, Don, do you know it's possible for me to think one thought at a time? Oh man.

Did I ever want that? And the the way to do that is to clear all the other sons out of there and that's all you got left. When resentment and fear leaves, it really quiets down. All those people that were talking quit talking. They weren't there anymore.

And along the way We let him demonstrate through us what he can do. Very important stance that I'm to take. I do not demonstrate for God what I can do. He demonstrates through me what he can do. As long as I can keep that idea straight, I'm okay. And then I'm giving a prayer, a last ditch prayer, I can always say. We ask him to remove our fear and direct our attention to what he would have us be. And somewhere along the way that came alive from me. Did you hear what it said?

It doesn't say what would you have me do at the time? What would you have me do? And I realized one day that Oh I'm not my car. I'm not my job. I'm none of the things that I do. If my identity is in what I do any time I'm not doing it, I don't have an identity. I don't exist. If I'm if I am a salesman and I'm not selling, I don't exist. I'm not the money in my pocket. I'm not the gang I hang out with. God, what would you have me be? Now I can do almost anything as long as it's me.

There's some things I can't do. I can't play the violin anymore, but then I never could. So what the hell? Thank you.

At once we commence to outgrow fear. Fear is a thing of childhood, this kind of fear. I learned through going through this that I have never been afraid of the unknown like I thought I was. I love the unknown. That's where all the excitement is. You just don't know what's gonna happen. That's what makes this path so appealing. I have no idea what's going to happen next.

What I've always been afraid of is what I think is going to happen. I create these scenes and pretty soon they are so real that I make them real. I'm afraid she's gonna leave me. So I start hovering. Yeah, and I started driving her crazy. Trying to get reassurances constantly. I'm afraid she doesn't love me, so I keep trying to say, tell me you love me, tell me you love me, tell me you love me, tell me I'm okay. And pretty soon she's pissed and she leaves. And I wonder why. Right.

I'm afraid I'm gonna get fired. So I start doing things on the job to impress the boss. And he eventually has to fire me. 'Cause I'm not doing my job, I'm trying to do his and his and Mine never gets dug, so he fires me. Fear creates the very thing I'm afraid of. Amen. İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim. Now about sex? This is a conduct inventory, and for most of us the first time through, it's a sex inventory. It's not a porno inventory. There's a difference.

Now the way I see it and the way I use it in in in the resentment inventory I made a list of people, institutions and principles with whom I was angry, then I asked the questions about how I was being selfish. By this point I've got a different view, and the way I use this one is that just like it says here, I review my conduct over the years past. gonna be about my conduct. Where have we been selfish? Well a list will develop. Υπότιτλοι AUTHORWAVE Where have I been dishonest or inconsiderate?

And the list will take care of itself.

The inconsiderate part is a bitch. Most everywhere. When I'm caught up in self, most everywhere. İzlediğiniz için teşekkür ederim. If I'm willing to be honest now it'll present itself. This is surgical. Did we unjustifiably arouse jealousy, suspicion, or bitterness? That's a basic business technique. Of course it did. You want to get something and he's got it? Start something going here.

And then add this into the mix and get get everybody confused and jealous and bitter and pretty soon you got the deal. You've done that. I see it. You dirty dog. What should where am I at fault and what should I have done instead for the first time? What should I have done instead? For the first time here I have to acknowledge that I know the difference between right and wrong. I can no longer cop out. I always know.

Now my life depends on my willingness to say what should I have done instead. Well just almost anything but what you did. Thank you. To start with. But it gets clear with what I should have done instead and that makes it clear I'm supposed to make amends for I when I was sick and needed money I'd go to the folks' place and I'd shovel the walks for two bucks or I'd cut the lawn for a fibre or that kind of stuff.

Which I'd have done instead, I should have just gone and shoveled the damn walks and cut the lawn. So over the years, in making amends, that's one of the things I did. Just went back and did that. Mom said all she ever wanted for me was that I'd be happy. So over the years I have gone by my mother's house on a regular basis happening. Right now she loves to go out to lunch. She's eighty nine, sharp as a tech. But it's a little hard for her to get around.

So I go out and take her to lunch. I took her to lunch just the other day. Uh got to have some real fun with it. My mother has one weakness. Money It's a weakness in that uh she kinda always carried a little low grade resentment'cause she worked with dad and he parceled out the money. And it was kind of cute to watch them. They both had pensions, Colorado State pensions.

And when my mother's mother died, she inherited a little bit of money. And she's a straight arrow. She went to the state and told them she had this money, so they canceled her pension and his. She's neck on diamond, him and dad. Well, God help me square some of that away. I mean, that's their business. But I had borrowed and taken a lot of money from my dad and when when I got round to square night away

He said we can forget it and I said, No, we can't. I really can't. I've got to give it back to you. He said, Okay, if you have to, but I don't want to be any part of your bookkeeping system. says whenever you feel like it, come by and give me some money. And whenever you think you're done, you're done. So while she's nickel and diamond to death uh I go by every now and then with a twenty. So that I'll shook out. Well dad died a couple of years ago and

My mother became rather wealthy right away. They had this big old house and I she got nearly half a million bucks that she got to put in the bank. But there were some things left over and I had some real fun with her the other day. I sold a bunch of old film cans, sixteen millimeter film cans, for eight hundred dollars. And he gave me four hundred in front. And when I took her to lunch, I gave her four hundred bucks. They just can't check on me, she don't know what the hell to do with it.

She wanted to give me some, I wouldn't take it. Trying to juggle this. I said, look, you go to Vegas once in a while and you're a big spinner. You take $100 with you. Next time you go, take the four.

But I gotta tell you. Thirty-one years sober, in fit spiritual condition, when I got that four hundred dollars in my hand, nobody but me knew that I'd sold those things. And I was tempted to just put that money in my pocket or find a way to keep it. It's still there. Still there, and I don't even feel guilty about it. I just know it's gonna show up. The worm's gonna come out of the hole. Shine the light on it. Didn't do anything about it, just let it play for a What's the buying dude?

In this way we try to shape a sane and sound ideal for our future sex life or any other relationship. Okay? We subject each relation to this test, was it selfish or not? That'll get you. Of course. There's nothing I can do about that. At my very best, even though I'm really trying to help somebody else, there is a selfish motivation. If it's the minor one, okay. I can't get away from the fact I'm gonna get something out of every transaction.

I try not to cut the deal in my favor, but I'm going to. I'm gonna get something out of it. We ask God to help mould our ideals and help us to live up with up to them. Now here's where I got my guide for every problem in life. Remember we were pro promised this? Here it is, it's on page sixty nine at the bottom. Whatever the problem may be In meditation we ask God what we should do about each specific matter. The right answer will come if we want it.

I'm married to a lovely lady. Look we're in the sex inventory. Let's talk about that for a minute. She's healthy. And I'm no slogs either. That does not necessarily mean that it's automatic and that I have proprietary rights over her body any time I feel like it. Yeah. And it goes both ways. There's much I have had it. Hard to admit, but I do. the entire sexual relationship between us is enriched Because I am willing each time to invite God into the transaction.

Is this okay if I go do this, will you do this with me? I've learned to be very Patient and listen and you listen with more than your ears. My wife sometimes works twelve hour shifts and has to drive a half hour each way. She's thirteen, fourteen hours in an extremely high stress job. She's the administrative head nurse on an infant research unit at Children's Hospital. She comes home really tired so

I really need to be paying attention when she needs held, when she doesn't need help, all those kinds of things. It's up to me to pay attention to it. I'm going to be out of self to do that. You want a good relationship? Pay attention to it. Amen. Get out of self and pay attention to it. In meditation I can ask God about each specific matter. It's more fun that way, it also focuses on what you're about to do. And I really don't want to ever get careless with Too much fun.

That leads me into some of the eleven step attitudes. I'm supposed to pause when agitated or doubtful. What it's saying here, whoops, I don't know what to do here. Back off, relax, meditate for a minute and ask him, what should I do here? And quite often the answer is sit still. I'm gonna act in first Something's going on, I really want to get something done about it, what should I do? Nothing. Ha ha ha. None of your business. Mm. I get all upset by other people getting upset.

I work in a pressure cooker corrections. And every now I'm thinking then, I think I oughta fix what's going on. I can beat up every time I do. Pause right now. Anyway. To sum up, on page seventy. Thank you. We pray earnestly pray for the right ideal. That doesn't mean what's my ideal person going to look like. But my ideal conduct. For me it's very simple. I'm a married family man. The ideal is that I stay that way.

That's the ideal. Now give me the strength to do that. Okay, some events have occurred that gave me the strength to do that, to remain faithful to my wife. Isn't that hard? For guidance in each questionable situation. How do I know if it's questionable? Always. Thank you. I'll just assume that. Doesn't mean it's gonna be a bad thing, it's just that if I'm involved in it, it's questionable. I I have for sanity.

We were told insanity is lack of proportion in the ability to think straight, so if I'm saying there's going to be some proportion here, and I will be thinking straight. Yeah. I have to pray for that. I don't have it automatically. For gut uh and for the strength to do the right thing. Well for me that's the one. I know what I'm supposed to do. I want to do that. But I just don't want to do that. Well I have a prayer for that. That has worked for me for years. I don't want to do that.

I really don't want to do it. But because of what you have done for me, I will do this one for you. And I don't know what the power is, but it changes my mind and allows me to get the strength I need to go do it. I'll know this one for you.

If sex or anything else is very troublesome, we throw ourselves the harder into helping others. We think of their needs and work for them. This takes us out of ourselves and quiets the imperious urge when to yield would mean hard. Also I have to find Thank you. I do just what it says here. There's all kinds of variations. I have no opinion on them. I just do what it says here. And it doesn't say that here, so I don't do that.

Nothing wrong with it. I've seen great benefit from variations, but this is all I do. There have been a couple of times in inventory when I've had to put in between that third and fourth column why that would threaten me. Usually I get that information from the fourth column, but sometimes I need to know why your behavior would threaten me just so I can get on it. But I don't do much that isn't in here. Thank you.

Only one purpose it tells me is to face and be rid of the things that are blocking me from God. My answer is always prayer, always. If I can't pray effectively then I need to go write some inventory to find out what's blocking me from effective prayer. We get into the tenth step and that whole scene changes, you know. Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. Then we talk to somebody about it.

and write'em down. It's changed. I go to God directly. I'm now busily engaged truly engaged in life. Uh it's a very busy activity, if you haven't noticed. Thank you. There's something happening all the time. And I don't always have time to cut out and do a little bookwork. Yeah. I've got to have direct access. Go to God quickly, remove this. Then I'll go home and comply with it and write it out because I want to find out it's part of a bigger picture.

But I need to go to God first and always. The practice of the eleventh step, my my sponsor and I had three wonderful years where we did tenth and eleventh step daily with each other. Just for practice. And it was a good experience because he never tried to fix me and I never tried to fix him. It was done when it was done. And it made it possible then for both of us just to...

pause when agitated or doubtful. And it was in that experience that I learned you don't have to be agitated just because you're doubtful. I tend to get things all mixed up. Anytime I have a decision to make I'm doubtful which way should I go? What should I do? It doesn't have to agitate me. It does. But it doesn't have to. Sometimes I can't make the decision alone. Other people are involved. It suggests here if other people are involved I consult them. There's a novel idea.

إذا كنت نحن نحن نحن نحن نحن نحن نحن نحن Yeah. Okay. Uh uh. These are the thing anything that blocks me from communicating with you will also block me from communicating with God, I found. Yeah. So if I clear this off, then I can make that communication direct. And that's what I need to be able to do. Then I can communicate directly with you too. Uh

Then I took this little thing I wasn't gonna go back to my sponsor who had told me my first inventory was garbage and to g get away from him. I'm not going back to him with it. And in here there's a section that says certain parts of our story we tell of somebody who will not be overly affected. And I just used that to my own benefit. I picked Jim. Now, Jim had come into the penitentiary with me.

He was doing a three to five for vehicular homicide. He had done what all of us had been terrified might happen some night in a blackout, drunk, he killed some people with his car. Now I had committed the criminal act that I was locked up for. I knew why I was there. Jim had no memory of the act that put him there. He was not a criminal in the same sense that I was. He was lost. They told him he'd done it, he accepted he'd done it, but he had no memory of it, he couldn't deal with it.

And I was getting a kind of a new feeling with Jim. I I I don't liked him, but I wanted things to be better for him. I had no idea what that feeling was. It's called compassion. I didn't know what the hell it was. I just knew that somehow if I had would share the garbage of my life with him, his life would get better. I guess you told me that or something. I just knew that. So I picked him to do that first step. Had a glorious experience.'Cause he sat and listened to me most of the afternoon.

He would only speak up when some little thing had come up and he'd just nudge me a little bit'cause we found some things that didn't get written down. My memory wasn't that good at those days. And I came out of that experience with a a couple of things. I stopped being alone. Up until that point in time, it had been me and who I needed you to be. You didn't have your own existence.

And somehow in that process with Jim, we ended up with two people in the room, me and Jim. And I haven't been alone since And I also had this wonderful feeling that I had finally finished something. I've been a sprinter in the game of life the whole time. Off the line I'm good, but I never finished any. Well I'd finished this. I'd done the very best I could with what I had. There was nothing left. We probed, it was done.

But I went back to my cell with that feeling and did the review the big book suggests. So spend an hour with it, look it over. Make sure it's solid. And it was, it was solid, and I also was fully aware it was a shabby little effort. I had just grabbed the And I had a lifetime of work ahead of me. So in my seventh step, in addition to what it says here, I added to it. Shame on me. God please don't let the stuff I haven't found yet kill me before I get to them. Thank you.

And I'm still here. And I've got some fresh inventory for a couple of weeks ago, some more shabby shit. That's what it is, y'all. We go into the inventory looking for a till of a hun. I found a little boy who wore his pants.