Episode 8: Being Alive

Previously, And does this murger make me look gay?

Reginald, you're here holding a gun and pointing it right at me.

Your next Wilma, not if I do.

This?

No, no, no, Bygabe.

Reginald, you killed them, TJ, Kelly, Tush, just tell us why.

I can't tell you why because I didn't do it.

Have you found the will? James?

No, I wish, more than anything I knew where it was.

I'm not staying in this hell hole a moment longer than I have to.

If you give a mouse a cookie, everything you need to be a great writer is in those pages.

You just have to look.

Carry Russell and Matthew Reese. This isn't just a book, It's a code welcome back, dear listener. The trumb with being dead is that, despite.

What you've seen in the movies, it's nearly impossible to travel back to Earth. It's a whole point system, and it takes forever. They say, I'll be eligible in thirty seventy two.

If I behave myself.

Had I been able to communicate with James after my demise, I would reminded him about the book much sooner. But I wasn't, so I didn't. Luckily, he figured out I'd left a hidden message to help guide him or anything murderers to happen a kick in the right direction before it was too late.

I'm not a chair, but take a seat in a humble abode or a fancy suite. Call me dirty or a vital part the hidden back of a porcelain heart. Porcelain heart. Huh, humble or fancy? Dirty or vital. Now there's something I'm missing. I'm not a chair, but take a bandy. Please tell me you didn't put your will in there.

Oh yes, dear listener, I did.

I don't blame you for hiding a second copy of your will where no gay would dare to look. But really, in a toilet tank. There's too much water. There must be a valve here, somewhere, Jesus, I set off of a day. Come on, God, come there. Yeah, we're cooking with gas. Haha. A zealed ziplock bag with a folder inside the second copy of Vandy's will. Smart thinking old man, let's see here. Oh oh my oh, I wasn't expecting this. I wasn't expecting this at all. Oh, Fandy, I think

In a house on him lives a gay and his friends want him dead?

Right?

Why someone wants to kill him even though it's wrong?

Since the world is manner wrong?

Thanny is born, it's very closely listen with yourris see if you can guess s which one of these queens maybe is the killer?

Who is the killer?

Who did he? Who wanted dead?

Who did he? Who crept in his bad?

Was it was it me?

Who could it be?

Who did it? They're drugging like flies woodin it?

Lease guy is like guys?

Who did it?

Who was he?

What does this word make me?

Look?

If you recall, precious listener, when we last left off, everyone still alive had gathered in the living room. The storm had stopped, the police were on their way. Reginald was tied to one of my regal Theodore Alexander chairs. All eyes moved between him and the road, waiting for the plows to clear the way.

Moon.

Yes, Polly, I say, we get out of here, steal a pair of boots and start making our way to the volkswagon.

Is anyone adding to the airport.

I have a showed this week in Cabo for a new adult film in Airy Twater universe, Fantastic Beasts and How.

To Fuck Them.

Oh, Henry would have loved it.

I can't believe we're about to go our separate ways. I'm gonna miss all of you, Not you, Reginald, right back at you, but everyone else. Moon, Polly. Do you have a concert coming up?

I can attend?

Oh do we?

Polly?

You've been hard to get a hold of these past few weeks. I haven't booked us anything new, but I want to. I hear there's a new coffee shop and we Dispensary and Weehawken and they're looking for Betty Buckley's opening act.

Oh that sounds nice and prestigious.

Well, goodbye everyone, Polly.

Don't you think that we should wait for the police?

Good question, Moon, James.

I thought you went back to your cabin.

I did, but something brought me back into this house and into Vandy's en suite bathroom.

Indigestion always, but also.

Vandy's will Gay.

Guess now we already know who the killer is, Reginald, the witch who works for the devil.

I don't work for him, you simpleton. It's a partnership one where he gets everything and I had to give up my soul. We are total equals, except that he lives forever, and now I look like a soggy cracker.

We are the same, okay, girl, Back to what you were saying, Jacques, I too thought we'd unmasked the killer. But if you'll indulge me, I have another theory to propose.

Sure, I'm all ears, I'm mostly old dick, but also down to hear what you think.

It does sound like fun, James, But Polly and I should.

Go so fast, Jack, move out of our way.

Nope, I'm parking my massive chest right here until we agree to we hear James out.

It's the least we can do with the famous detective amongst.

Us amateur amateur detective. But yes, everyone said, find somewhere comfy. This might take a minute now that you're all seated.

Wait a second, there's something hard under my butt. One of the dildos from when we matched dildos to pick partners so that we could we remember remember that clearly must have gotten lodged between the cushions. M It feels kind of good in my hands.

Bet it feel even better.

Up your reginald enough, you certainly seem like the killer, even though you won't admit it. And it doesn't make sense why you'd want TJ dead.

He hates lesbians. He made that quite clear.

True, But there's more to TJ's death than that. Let's back up to the night Vandy disappeared. Everyone had dinner where Vandy fought openly with Kelly.

You'd have to kill me to get into one of my movies.

Maybe I will, Vandy, maybe will.

But Kelly wasn't the only one with a motive to kill him. Everyone invited had one. There was Henry, who wanted to build a replica of Hogwarts, only Vandy was in the way. It was you Shock, who knew about Vandy's history in porn a history he'd do anything to cover up. Tush, a trusted servant who wanted to raise but never got one. Wilmer who lost his allowance.

And there was Reginald who clearly did it.

And Madam You.

There was you me.

I told you I needed Vandy alive. He was going to produce my new show.

That's what you said. I was scrubbing through some of the recorded audio. I heard this, Please hold as I opened my laptop recorded audio. What you mean, did I not mention every room in this mansion is equipped with a hidden microphone that has been recording this entire weekend, almost every room. Sadly, we didn't think to bug the broom closet. Alright, let's see. Let me hm with the WiFi. Ah, yes, this is from before everyone arrived.

No, don't sit me next Moon, I have to break bad news to her, very bad news. She will be devastating and I will need to be far away from those are critic nails?

What was this bad news Vandy had to break? Then it hit me he was pulling out of your new show to put the money into his movie all about Steve.

Wasn't he news show?

Mooney? What is he talking about?

Moon?

Was gonna decimate your duo and go so low?

Did you know that?

No? I didn't.

It's not true, Polly. I mean I was thinking about putting together something new, sure, but for both of us, he has no proof.

You're right, it was all a hunch until I went back into TJ's room just now and found this gay Gosh is that a little girl's writing journal? I believe it's pronounced girl nol, And yes, it belonged to TJ may she rest in fleece. I found it in her bag next to many many Melissa Ethrich CDs, which I'm who even has CDs anymore? Lesbians lesbians do nothing looks strange at first, until I noticed the final end had been ripped out quick aside. When I was a gay tween,

Go on, then, what is I I've had enough Polly.

Let It turns out TJ was going to be the stage manager for a new solo show, Your new solo show, Moon, Oh. Only as of last week, the show was canceled off the books. Instead of financing it, Vandy was putting the money into his movie. He told TJ so that she could look for a new job.

It says, I didn't expect to see Madam Moon here. What are the odds I'd have a better chance at Lauren Tennis, Champ Martina and Avatarlovo away from her wife. I mean, I could do it, but it would be tough. Moon must be so pissed that Vandy pulled the rug out from under her, and I know a thing or two about rugs. I'm wondered if I should say something to her, or if she wants to pretend we don't know each other, which is triggering for me, since it's a relationship dynamic I play out with my cat.

TJ goes on and on and on. What's clear is this she knew your secret, Moon, a secret you desperately wanted to keep.

Polly, I can explain.

Never in a million years did you imagine she'd turn up here if she told anyone. The show was off. You were suddenly a prime suspect in Vandy's murder. You already admitted to sleeping with him, so you killed her? No, you snuck into her room while we discovered poor Kelly's body. That's why you were late. All you had to do was find a way inside, and for that you'd need the master key. A small task for a skilled thief. Remember this.

I always had lone ladyfingers, so I was good at snatching wallets and watches. I never said that.

Moon, We legitimately just heard you say it on the computer.

It's Ai, My identity is being stolen. Where's sag aftro when you need them?

But you slipped up, didn't you?

Is that a trick question?

The cut marks on TJ's body are incredibly thin, unlike any knife I'd seen before. That's because it wasn't a real knife, was it.

I love my creams and serums, and I live to Derma plane.

I'm absheshed.

I better if we got your Derma planing blade tested, it would have your skin cells and TJ's lesbian blood.

Fine, fine, you got me?

I did? I mean? I did?

I killed TJ? So what Vandy pulled me aside after dinner and said that my shows off done dead. It was going to be my big break, my big solo break. It has nothing to do with you, Polly, honestly, but I'm ready to stretch my wings, like when Beyonce left Destiny's Child, or less successfully, when Zane left One Direction. Everyone knew Harry was a star, but how could we have known that Niall would steal his thunder?

I'm sorry I didn't.

Tell you, Polly.

So so, yeah, I slayed the Saffog, but I didn't kill anyone else. Promise, are we good?

So Moon is the killer?

What did you have against Tush and Kelly?

Here's where it gets a little twisty turney. Vandy was found in the secret passageway connecting his bedroom to the one next to it where Moon was sleeping. Only that wasn't the room you were a signed?

Was it the only saving graces I was able to switch rooms. I didn't have to see the street.

I cannot stand the sound of cars.

No, it wasn't.

I had one close to the road, but I asked Polly to suit with me because my ears are sensitive. I had no idea there was a secret passageway.

No, but Polly did, didn't you, Gush.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Reginald mentioned something the first night about Vandy that stuck in my head.

What he was falling in love.

Vandy was acting like he was in love. Yes, he was scared for his life because his life finally had meaning. He was seeing someone, someone he wanted, in the room next to him for a secret rendezvous.

So there is one person I hope is on my side, an actual friend, perhaps even something more.

When Moon asked you to switch rooms with her, you wanted to say no, but you couldn't. Could your Polly, Otherwise it might raise her suspicion. You realize, though, you could knock her out by giving her an extra sleeping pill before bed. Then you snuck into her room, into the secret passageway and met Vandy, And by met, I mean poisoned his brandy and killed him gaging. And you didn't need arsenic from Tusha's supply in the kitchen, Ye

It, As far as I know, Polly is a sexual. Unless you can suck a piano. All it does is restore old ones in his free time.

This is insane. I won't stand here while you defame me, James.

It's not defamation if it's the truth. Polly Rebel Wilson learned that the hard way. You knew about Vandy's plan to catch his killer because he told you all about it. He loved you and trusted you. You were the only person he invited who he didn't think wanted him dead.

Polly unworried a mayheus. We don't know who's listening.

That's why I could never get the murders on tape. You knew about the microphones, and you knew you couldn't open his bedroom door, so you left the way. You came through the secret passageway and out Moon's door into the hall. If anyone saw you, they'd think you were sleeping with Moon.

But no one did see me, because that never happened.

Oh but someone did, Paulie. Someone did. Our fallen German friend Tush.

You see a lot when your job involves midnight snacks and loo bruns.

He threatened to expose you, didn't he unless you paid him off. You turned him down at first, but he suspected you'd cave, which is why he didn't say anything when we tied him up, and you made sure he stayed quiet by killing him. That's why all we got on the audio tape from your room that night was this. He found the mic and unplugged it while Tush confronted him.

Okay, gasp, how absurd?

Oh? Then what's your explanation? If the microphone wasn't tampered with? Why don't we hear anything from your room?

How should I know?

And it's why Tush was murdered in the broom closet. You knew nobody would hear. Kelly thought it was a vampire. But the prongs on Tush's neck were from a tuning fork. Weren't they something a master musician like yourself would surely carry?

Lies I don't carry a tuning fork, Paulie.

What just fell out of your pants?

A tuning fork?

Fine?

Holy sha, I'm hard as a rock.

What about Kelly? That confused me too? Kelly was a dumb dumb and the perfect scapegoat. Why kill him? But he was an unfortunate casualty. Wasn't he wrong place, wrong time?

More like wrong? Detective wrong? Suspect.

Why all the loop?

Why was Kelly covert and stuff?

Honestly, I don't think the loop had anything to do with the murder. Kelly got hungry started eating his own supply it was flavored. After all that tracks there was someone in that room you were trying to kill though, isn't that right, Paully? No Angela Lance Fairy?

Oh my god, although she was really annoying.

Why would Paulie want to murder a bird?

Great question, but I have a little more to get through first, and the bird stuff is a super cool reveal I'm saving till the end. So back to Kelly. We never discovered what kind of wire Kelly was murdered with, That is until your and Moon's most recent performance.

Polly, how I'd like you to make a mistake.

You used a piano wire to strangle Kelly, didn't you. Moon wanted to celebrate with a song, but you didn't want to play because you knew there was a string missing, you know.

James, for someone with no real experience in sleuthing has been thrown into this mess without a life jacket.

I'm quite impressed if I wasn't tied up.

At this particular moment didn't have the body of well gollum, I don't know.

I'd fuck you, I think, Oh thanks.

I've let you go on far too long. You've lost your mind. No wonder you can't finish a novel. Your head's full of gauze and salt.

Me all you want, Polly, It doesn't change the truth. I think you found out Moon was going solo, and the idea crushed you. You've been obsessed with Moon for years. It was bad enough he didn't want to be your lover. If he left the act, you'd have nothing. So you seduced Vandy, got him to break up with Moon and pull out of his show. That way he'd be forced to stay with you. Then, out of pure animosity for trying to steal Moon away, you tortured Vandy, terrified him until you finish the job.

Killed him.

Oh well, he thought you loved.

Him, poor Deed.

That's horrible.

You're mean, Paly, You're a mean, mean person.

Oh choke on a dick, Wilmer ha.

I already have and I survived, not just survived.

I thrived.

Here guys, Look is that Vandy's will? It is indeed the first copy, the one in his safe was burned. I'm guessing by you, Polly, as it names you as the sole beneficiary of his estate. Gay Gas, But you didn't want Vandy's money, did you? You just wanted moon all to yourself. Better to let everyone think Reginald was the one to benefit from Vandy's death. If the will was never found, he's most likely to inherit everything, the perfect motive to exterminate Bandy.

I told you all along, I did not do it.

But Vandy left a second copy of his will. Cake Gas didn't expect that, did You.

Don't mean to speak on you'll be off, bully, but certainly seems like he didn't.

There must have been the tiniest seed of doubt in Vandy's mind about you, Polly. So this was his backup, His estate and his fortune is left to Peter Buddino.

Eating gay or gay gasp.

Wait, who the hell is Peter Bambino?

Badino?

Like the dessert?

That's Boudino, dear, that's what a U.

Budino is spelled with an A.

I'm assuming it is, and Peter Badino is Polly Barker pe b same initials, which I realized when I saw your luggage Vandy knew your real name and called you PB, just like you knew that those closest in his life called him Jeremiah his middle name, and his old poor name Jizimiah, exactly Peb and j. Which is why Angela lands Fairy had to die. She knew too much.

What's happening, Angela lands Fairy?

She's alive, Jasy, she landed right on your shoulder.

I hope she doesn't dumber duty.

They're there, old friend. She's cold, half frozen, but otherwise seems okay.

Ugh told you pee, young.

People loves jan The bird's been saying it this whole time, that cockatoo is a genius.

What molasment pipeline San Francisco bird feed up mop back, leaving an accordion.

Well, maybe not a genius, but super duper smart and sexually adventurous. Don't ask how I know.

Polly, I is it true?

Yes?

I did it for you, mooney, It's always been you.

I don't understand. I thought you were asexual.

Asexual. I've been in love with you my entire life, only you were too blind to see. I settled for friends than accompanies because it was better than nothing. I couldn't bear to be without you. It was torture, so close and yet so far, seeing your lips but never able to kiss them, Smelling your perfume but never able to rub with your skin on mine. It's such an intoxicating scent, Moon.

I never asked you what.

It is my perfume. Oh, it's pauper's.

When I found out you were planning to leave the act and sleeping with Vandy, I thought my life was over. All I could see was red Vandy's, the sort of gay I love, rich, entitled, raised with a silver spoon.

Watch what you say about my dead daddy.

Oh Stephan, you brat. You don't know anything about hard work. None of you do.

All of you know that perform and sexual acts on other men for money is literally the definition.

Of hard work.

You think you had it rough. I grew up in an orphanage that makes Oliver look like candy Land. You see these scars, and that's where the orphanage master put his cigarettes out. All the boys were mean to me. Nobody wanted to be friends with the queer kid with perfect pitch. I managed to scrape a life together for myself, a life with Moon that I treasure more than anything. I wasn't getting a lot of man who owns three teslas steal it away. Hell no, not without a fight.

Beats a hot pancake, Flower power, Stephanie j blok. Oh, Polly, I'm taught you killed for me and I killed DJ for you, well, mostly for me, but a little bit for you. We really are meant for each other.

Oh, I hate to break up this murderer's love vest.

But what happens now? Now? The cops come, of course, and Polly and Moon Moon run.

There?

Stop?

That got them.

There, James, you did it. You tied up Moon and Polly.

My hands, my piano hands.

Aha, Oh, I'll just hurt my tiny wrists there.

Neither of you are going anywhere now.

Never thought i'd see curtains ues like that outside of the sound of music, of course.

Are you okay?

James?

When I put your head through that wall. Look like my birth in reverse. I'm fine, but why are you in jock naked?

You seem like you had the whole thing covered. Plus Chase kind of turned us on.

Stand back, everyone.

The Dutchess County Sheriff is here.

Where where is he?

May?

It's may Sheriff, Dick and Mouth.

The Duchess County Sheriff is irish. Nothing ceases to amaze me this weekend.

That's your legal name, dick in Mouth, my name and mcgame requesting backup at the monroused it?

I repeat, back up at the monroused it?

Now? Who called us? Then me? Your highness Sheriff Officerman Dortches County Shriff. These two Polly and Moon, they're responsible for the deaths this weekend.

May I be untied now?

Please?

Well, Reginald, you also killed people?

Twinks? No, they don't count.

This is America, twinks always cat mister sheriff, take them away?

Oh oh oh, well, if you're gonna put your hands on me, put them lower.

Huh.

I can't believe everyone is gone.

What do you think you'll do with the place, Wilmer.

I think.

I'll keep the house, and I think I'll stay in a house and fuck Wilma, but not contribute financially.

That feels right.

Thank you for solving Daddy's murder.

He would be proud of you.

Yeah, I think he would.

I could keep you on as caretaker.

It's a big place.

I need the help.

I appreciate that. But after this weekend, it's time to see what else is out there for me. Plus, I finally have a good idea for a book. I think I'll try a bit of writing.

Good luck.

It's hard out there for a white guy with zero credits.

You think, But I'm gay, Oh James, No one cares fair enough. But before I go, there's one last thing I need to do. See the wall over there, that one, no one, Nope, nope, the one. I'm pointing to that one with my hand. Ah, that one the struggle knocked over that grandfather clock. Can you see how the wallpaper that was behind it is rippling and bubbling? I always say, when you see the bubble, you know there's trouble.

Uh sort of yeah.

I think I finally might know where Leya Salonga is. Do you mind if I tear down that wall paper?

Go for it?

There a door laya Salonga.

Is that you.

I thought you never find me.

I almost didn't, are you? Okay? Mostly?

Thank god? The bugs down here are plentiful. One day I'll have to do Kiss of the Spider Woman, now that I have a personal experience of kissing spiders and eating them.

You've survived on insects this whole time.

And water from the pipes. Oh and show tunes. A good musical number keeps me going for a while.

Help me up careful now, steady there, Lea. Can I ask you something anything? Would you sing a whole New World with me? One of my lifelong dreams is for me to sing the Aladdin part and for you to praise.

My silken vocals as princess Jasmine. God, you gaze are predictable.

But you did save me, so sure.

I just need to warm up first, Okay, I'm ready.

That's all you do to warm up?

Of course, I'm lays longer, bitch.

Yes, we've reached the end of this queer little mystery. My killer's been identified. The bad people will be locked away. Several innocent people died, which I feel lot so great about. But we sure got a good story out of.

It, didn't we.

You may be thinking, Vandy, if you're narrating this from heaven, why didn't you simply tell us who killed you? Instead of making us listen to eight episodes of these Silly Days trying to figure it out. My answer is I could have, but I didn't, and aren't you the better for it? Until next time, my pets, When someone asks you, does this murder make me look gay? The answer is always fong yes.

If you have made it to the end of this series, then congratulations, you are deeply queer and the world is better for it. I would like to dedicate does this murder make me look gay? To the memory of my dear friend Paul Wright, who I hope somewhere is listening and laughing.

Does this murder make Me look gay? Stars Michael Yury as James Wilson, Douglas Sills as Reginald Divine, Robin de Jesus as Wilmer Munroe, Chyenne Jackson as Jacques Saint Cox, Sean Patrick Doyle as Madam Moon, Brad Oscar as Tush von Munch, Nathan Lee Graham as Henry Jacobs, Frankie Grande as Kelly Raymore, and Flanagan Seth Radetsky as Polly Barker, Leah Delaria as TJ, featuring Kate McKinnon as Angela Lansferry with Leah Salga as herself and Jonathan Freeman as Vandy

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