Episode 7: Old Devil Moon

Previously on does this murder make me look a Trio Dead Bodies, Dandy Tush and Kinki Kelly.

James, surely you must have a suspicion about the murderer's identity.

You want another truth, I got nothing.

There's not a trace of this will. I'm done with this shit.

James looked in the shower to find TJ's limp body covered in blood.

Step into my pentagram.

Reginalds, whatever you're doing, stop it right now.

Meanwhile, in the library, one of my guests decided to strike. They broke into my hidden safe, found my will, and burned it to a press. Ah, dear listener, the end is near, the phrase audience members of the Inheritance never once heard. Let's start with a flashback to the night of everyone's arrival. I was still alive and still gay good times. I stood with James in my bedroom and said, it's almost time.

The trap is set.

Now.

If I die tonight, you won't.

But if I do, there will be a lot you'll need to figure out. I could tell you everything now, but I won't. If you solve my murder, you'll need to earn it, otherwise you'll be like everyone else. Wanting things handed to you. No, if you solve a mystery, it becomes yours and then you can write about it.

You're looking for inspiration.

Right, yes, but I don't want your death to be my inspiration.

Too bad. The meuse strikes when she strikes. If all goes to plan, we'll catch my wannabe killer this weekend. Then we'll sit and write this whole mess down, every sticky detail. Of course, I'll take sixty five percent of all sales, but that's to haggle over later.

What if you you're wrong. There's no guarantee you'll make it out of this.

Then I'll have honored the oldest rule, and show business always leave them wanting more. Besides, life's but a walking shadow, a poor player that struts and frets his hour upon the stage and then has hurt no more. I know my films are a bit frivolous, but there's a place in this world for pure entertainment, don't you think? Oh, speaking of that, I have something for you. This book is one of my most prized possessions. I was going to give it to Wilmer, but he wouldn't understand its importance.

Oh if you give him ouse a cookie?

Classic Everything you need to be a great writer is in those pages.

You just have to look here.

Take the back entrance, will you sure? Thanks for being so kind to me, Bandy call me Jeremiah.

Those closest to me do.

It's my middle name. Now go see you on the flip side, kid, I'm coming.

In a house on him.

Lives a kay and his friends want him dead?

Right?

Why someone wants to kill him even though it's wrong? Since the world is matter wrong, Thanny is born, it's very closely listen with yourris see if you can guess switch one of these queens?

Maybe is the killer? Who is the killer? Who did it?

Who wanted?

Who crept in his man?

Who did.

Was it?

Was it?

Me? Who could it be?

Who did it? They're drugging like flies? Who didn't.

These guys like guys?

Who did it?

Who was it?

He?

What me?

Does this word make me?

Look? Now?

When we last heard James, he barricaded himself in my study after his devilish rendezvous with Reginald.

The gay killer has been staring into my gay eyes this entire time. It's gay Reginald.

So he did what any writer turned amateur detective would do, scan through the secret audio footage to find out more information.

Okay, okay, what's the time stamp? Ah, everyone's first night in the house before we found Vandy's body. This is Reginald's bedroom.

Can well sure it could be a doctor?

No, something believable new.

Let me see here later that night.

I'm telling you, Henry, there's nothing on the street like this stuff.

I can't afford it.

Well, beget what you pay for.

Weird, but no, let's go further back. Before everyone arrived.

Reginald, have you finished the seating arrangements for dinner?

Oh?

Yeah, I threw as many bodies as I could between us and Kelly's gas Can I see?

No, don't sit me next to Moon. I have to break bad news to her, very bad news.

Vandy had to break bad news to Moon. Interesting. Okay, a little further back that afternoon, two.

Boxes of Samoa's, three lemonades, seven tagalongs, and forty eight thin mints. I really appreciate your business, sir, swiping cookie contraband from the Girl Scouts of America warehouse and upselling it to older gays who are terrified of interacting with children. Is the only way I can put myself through. Bard say, you have a weird look on your face. Are you stroking out your.

Skin? It's so Do you moisturizes? Nope? Should I you're naturally that mummam moist that do?

Hey, mister, you're sort of shaking.

And frothing at the mouth.

Okay, Oh yes, house, Oh.

Yes, I just hands free climax to my boy shirts, I mean my boxer's, uh, my thong. Has anyone ever painted you?

Just my priest?

How would you feel about me drawing you in the nude?

Um?

What?

No, the computer died. This one room generator must be capote.

James knew what he had to do.

I'm breaking into Reginald's arts studio. But first, James tiptoed back to his bedroom, where he stashed the gun that Wilmer brought. He might need it if he planned to confront Reginald.

Only the gun.

It's gone, ooh, a paper clip.

Meanwhile, in Henry's room, the interior designer tossed and turned.

I haven't been this tense since I learned Max was turning Harry Potter into a television series, and Daniel Radcliffe wanted nothing to do with it. Oh, Vandy, why'd you have to be such a prick? There was enough room in the Hudson Valley for both of us. We could have been friends, or, if not friends, the kind of gay men who waved to each other in public, then hiss behind closed doors midnight time for daddy's medicine. If grandmother could see me now, she'd be so disappointed. She

Maybe I can stop.

Maybe I can be happy without having to curb my appetite and fit into a Rondorf's speedo this summer.

Put down the needle, Henry put it down.

That's it. That's who am I kidding?

Ah On the other side of my house, Weaponless and afraid, James picked the lock to Reginald Studio with a rainbow colored paper clip and snuck inside.

Man, this place is weird. The paintings are all covered, which creepy and look a fire. Someone's been here recently.

Dear listener, have you ever been inside an art studio in the middle of a storm with dozens of covered paintings? The art studio of a man you suspect is responsible for multiple homicides and may or may not be in direct contact with the devil. The last time James had been this scared was when Armie Hammer slid into his DMS for some reason.

I'm dr on to this painting in the corner and when I saw earlier, let me uncover it. The missing girl scout cookies twink, Only he looks different, younger, definitely still over eighteen. Let's not get carried away. But no, impossible, It's only a painting. It can't What was that sounds like it's coming from. Is that a hidden door? This studio has another room? Here goes nothing, Dear God, I'm more anxious than when I watched Studdy Redmain in the Danish.

Carp Without intending to James had stumbled inside.

A laboratory or laboratory laboratory, man, I never know how I pronounced that word.

Half mes lab, half a cultist, wet dreams, test tubes, pipets, microscopes, thermometers, funnels, more pipets, and candles along the floor in the shape of a pentagram. Oh, and a trunk in the corner. James moved with trepidation toward the trunk and lifted the lid. Inside was a shrunken man who looked more than one hundred years old. He was emaciated, and his skeleton wrists were handcuffed together. The man's eyes widened when he saw James.

Wait, I recognize you. I mean you look completely different and on the verge of death. But you have the same eyes as that girl Scout Twink in the painting.

It me.

Twink, Canni Kenneth, it was your voice I heard on the recording. I will help you, I promise.

But life isn't fair, dear listener, and not all prematurely ate twigs get a happy ending. Kenneth raised a shaky hand towards James, but before their fingers could touch, Kenneth's eyes closed and he slipped away.

Wake up, old twig, way, God.

You had to poke your nose where it didn't belong, didn't.

You, Rechald You're here holding a gun and pointing it right at me.

You bet you're gay round ass I am.

There's a man in my life who's made all the difference. You may know him as Lucifer, or Beelzebub or Mephistopheles, not to be confused with mister Mustopheles from the long running musical and ill faded movie. Can't you're talking about Satan, the supreme being of evil? I'm his sex slave? What a hello? Low? Once Lola fucking gets bitch, I remember the day we met? Eighteen sixty nine? Who what a year?

Sorry are you saying you're one hundred and fifty five years old?

No, dummy, I was thirty when the story took place, so I'm saying I'm one hundred and eighty five years old. Will you keep up? Now? Back to eighteen sixty nine, two men j Fisk and James Gould took advantage to the president to gain insider information and manipulate the market. I was living in Manhattan and I built a name for myself on Wall Street.

I lost everything and that fallout.

One night, I climbed at the top of the Empire State Building. I was about to jump when a man came out of the shadows. What you do? When he said? I told him I was gonna take my own life. You see, I've always been vain and back then I used to make my own moisturizer from honey, crushed almonds and pig fat, and pig fat don't come cheap. My friend, and this man told me that instead of jumping off the roof, I could sell him my soul. What do I get in return? I asked, anything you want? He said.

Gay Gray, The Picture of Dorian Gray Whatever.

Over the years, I've lured hundreds of young men into my home. I've flayed every inch of my own body and stretched the pieces of my skin into canvases and used my pagan rush to paint them, and by doing so, ingest the spirits of these twinks. You see this curve below my ear. His name was Antonio. The toughness of my left nostril, that's Maurice. My creamy shoulders, those were chan Paul. I have capped myself young all these years,

How do you lure the twinks?

Easy? I tell them, I want to my girl scout cookies and lock them up, draining them dry until there are pile of bones, which I then burned The fireplace, and now well, now it's your turn.

Wait a second, what about Vandy and Tush and Kelly and.

Oh no, I had nothing to do with them.

Your room is linked to Kelly's. You were cheating on Vandy. You stole the gun to kill me.

I stole it to protect myself, and thanks Satan, I did because now that you know my secret, it is time to meet your maker.

Farewell, James.

It's been hmmm cool getting to know you. What the hell this gun's full of blanks?

Suddenly Wilmer appeared. Yes, kid, Wilmer.

Reginald's the killer.

I know.

I heard you in the hallway.

I've always known what kind of a monster my stepfather is.

You knew he sucked the life out of twigs.

Not specifically, but I got an overall creepy vibe.

Reginald.

That gun you just tried to kill James with it's fake, a prop from one of Daddy's movies. I was never actually going to kill my father. It was a last resort to scare him.

Now he's gone, no matter, I'll have to silence you both another way.

A big sharp knife, run James, Oh, get off me.

Get off me. Why isn't anyone on me.

Then, faster than Adele lost all that weight. Reginald had the knife press to James's neck.

Don't worry, James, I'll bathe in your precious blood.

Reginald, stop your next Wilma not if not, if I do this my painting, you get your hands off that.

Watch your twinkard burn bitch.

Wilmer No, no, no, no, my babe.

He's getting older.

As the painting burned, frown lines appeared around Reginald's mouth, crow's feet by his eyes. He was aging by the second.

Quick Wilmer burn another one. I'm melting.

I'm melting.

Reginald's let go of James and clutched his own neck. Jowls had begun to form. His man breast billowed and sagged more.

Wilmer burn it all.

No, stop it, I'll do anything.

Admit to the murders case. That's what you did.

Fine, fine, just stop with the paintings. Is that? Yes?

Yes, the power's back on. Oh my god, what is it?

Boy?

It's worse in the light.

As will mc grabbed the weeping Reginald, James pulled out his cell phone. He had bars praise be.

I'm in the Monroe Estate, and I just caught a murderer. Yes, I'll hold.

Everyone slept peacefully that night, well everyone who wasn't dead, although being dead myself one does sleep well in the afterlife, so let me revise that statement. All of my guests slept peacefully that night, except Reginald, who was locked in the broom cupboard.

And looked like a potato chip.

James slept especially sound, knowing he'd stopped to kill her and avenged my death. He awoke the next morning to the cheerful sound of the piano coming from downstairs. He threw on a robe and found my HouseGuest drinking chock full of nuts instant coffee and listening to moons singing.

Come on in here, Come on in here, alexander'sractime band, Come on in here, Come on in here. It's the best band in the land. James, you're awake. I am so overjoyed that Reginald is locked away. That I forced Polly to play something, didn't I Polly? You resisted, which you never do, but I wore you down.

I'm trying to be respectful of the dead.

Come on along, come on along, let me take you by the hand. Come up to the man, Pauline, How unlike you to make a mistake.

You never hit a wrong note. I guess I'm tired mooney, and who could blame you?

Shall?

I do the chorus once more?

Wad stop?

Now that the storm is stopped, law enforcement will be here as soon as the roads are cleared. Reginald is locked away?

Do we take a peek? I hear his face and body.

You're all funny, Honestly, it's something you can't unsee. I suggest you don't. Oh, I've seen a lot of weird shit in my day. Wait, where's Henry? Has anyone seen him? Maybe he's still sleeping.

Someone should check, and someone did.

Henry, Henry, are you in there?

Locked?

But wait?

My paper clip? Henry.

James rushed to Henry's bed, where he found the interior decorator with a needle in his arm. His lips were tapped and blew.

An overdose.

Way over. What's that On the.

Floor next to Henry's bed was a wand it wasn't real, of course, but James gently picked it up and placed it on Henry's chest.

I hope you're at Hogwarts now, Henry, and I double hope you're not a hufflepuff.

Once James collected himself, there was someone he had to speak with.

Immediately, Reginald. We need to talk.

Well, then come on in.

I'm coming too. Chuck stop, Reginald.

Oh my god, Ah, look away, Jack. I can't bear for you to see me like this.

You look like a prolapsed anus Reginald. I just found Henry upstairs, dead with a needle in his arm. I've seen him with needles before, and I've seen you selling him stuff that first night when we were looking for Vandy.

Oh fine, fine, I don't have the energy to lie in my quest for eternal youth and to maintain my unnatural beauty. I've developed a whole host of concoctions. You saw my laboratory.

Is that how you pronounce it?

Well, Henry's been using my crowning achievement, cometh pic. It's essentially ozembic for weight loss plus meth rat poison and a little bit of sweet and low. But I didn't kill my best customer, at least not on purpose.

I guess that makes sense sort of. Henry was never hungry, stomach always hurt, and now he's dead. Reginald. You owe us some answers now.

Moments later, my remaining guests resembled around Reginald, who was tied to the back of a chair in the living room.

Damn, it's hard to look at you, Reginald. You make Jimmy Carter look like Sean Mendes.

Explain yourself. You killed Vandy so you'd inherit this estate. Why do the others have to die?

And how did you do it?

First of all, I owe you nothing, and second, I didn't kill them.

No one believes you.

I don't care tell the cops I did it. I won't argue there's no point in living when I look like the inside of a Durian fruit. I'll take the blame. But I only killed the twinks. Is it weird?

I sort of believe him.

Yes, Reginald, you killed them, TJ Kelly Tush, just tell us why.

I can't tell you why because I didn't do it.

Tell us why you killed Vandy? Then? Because of the house. He found out you were fucking Jack and you thought he'd divorced you idiots.

You think Vandy would leave this place to me. He's more likely to leave it to that fucking bird. I have no idea what Vandy put in his will. Besides, he was always changing his mind.

Have you found the will, James, No, I'm.

Sure it's in his safe. I wish, more than anything I knew where it was.

Are you sure that you are.

If you want to find us?

Ju see.

Gay Gus did Leah so longer reveal how to find Vandy's safe through a legally allowed parody of Cinderella's grave from into the woods.

She's always one step ahead of me.

The face of God. Do you think Leah is singing about.

Bandy? He's not my God.

My God is the devil? Open your eyes?

What does she mean?

There were a lot of pictures in this house, proper portraits and such.

Most of them are of Vanny.

His eyes are closed, and pretty much all of them.

Daddy always wished his eyes were blue. He tried colored contexts once, but ended up looking like Kesha. He hated his eyes, That's why he always closed them, and he did refer to himself as the god of horror Flix more than once.

Leah sang open your eyes. Maybe there's a painting of Vandy with his eyes, you know, not closed.

And maybe the safe with the will is hidden behind that portrait. But there are loads in this house of portraits. I mean, should we.

Check and check? They did, Moon, Polly, Jacques, and James searched the house while Wilmer watched over Reginald. Eventually, James found an oil painting of me in my study.

I had a.

Commissioned from my sixtieth birthday with my sweet Dash and Jessica in my lap rip and in this painting my eyes were wide open.

Everyone I found it. Stand back.

It swings open like a door or.

A swing and look there safe.

It's locked. Damn it.

How are we supposed to figure out the code? There must be thousands of combinations. We don't know how many numbers are.

Of course, the code is probably miss thank you, laya salaga, thank you wherever you are.

James entered the code, twisted the knob, and been the safe where he expected to see my will, Only it's empty.

Well that was anti climactic.

I don't believe there's James, don't be sad.

Reginald did it?

We got him?

Yeah, I guess you're right.

As the others returned to the living room, James lingered a moment longer at the safe.

An empty safe. It seems so unlike Bandy.

Unless James turned and noticed the fireplace in my study.

Why is there a small pile of ashes at the base but no fire in the hearth? Hmm, maybe I should investigate. No, don't go there, James, Reginald is responsible. Bandy would be proud of you.

And so, with a heavy heart, James decided to visit my body one last time before it was taken away. He went to my bedroom and like that things got interesting.

Wilmer, I didn't think anyone was in Dandy's bedroom, anyone alive, at least who's with Reginald.

Moon is singing to him, which I'd argue is its own form of torture. I hate seeing them like this. Tush Kelly, that random less but mostly daddy. He wasn't Father of the Year, but he was still my pop. It's stupid, but I came to tell him I helped catch his killer. He didn't think much of me in life, but I'm glad I honored his death in some way.

He cared a lot about his legacy, what he left behind in the world.

So his movies, sure, but.

You you're his legacy, he really thinks.

So I know.

So, oh, Kelly, even in death, he finds a way.

Wilma went to keep Moon and Jacques company as they chaperone Reginald. As James reached the bottom of the stairs, he noticed Polly in the foyer, bags packed and placed by the entrance, going somewhere.

I'm not staying in this hell hole a moment longer than I have to. As soon as the cops come, I'm out. I plan on taking a long vacation in Mexico. Flush this out of my system.

Nice luggage, thanks, Moon.

And I are on the road so much. I splurged on fancy bags.

Totally worth it.

Oh they're monogrammed.

Yeah mm for Mooney, peb for me, Polly Barker.

Cute.

I'm heading back to my cabin for a shower and some fresh clothes. If I don't see you before you go, it's been nice meeting you. Kind of you too, James, You too.

James trudged through the snow on my property back to his cabin. He sunk to the ground with each step. Before he knew it, his pants were soaked, and not in a fun way. Once inside his cabin, the silence overwhelmed him. The weekend hit James on at once, the murders, my death.

Everything Well, I'm probably out of a job, Reginald will probably go to jail, and Wilmer will probably sell the house. Now I'll have no excuse not to write, which is what Mandy would have wanted. But where do I even begin? Why do I want to be a writer? Kind of masochistic idiot?

Am I?

Oh? I almost forgot? He's present If you Give a Mouse a Cookie? What did you tell me?

Vanby?

Everything you need to be a great writer is in those pages.

You just have to look.

If only that were actually true.

James studied the cover of If You Give a Mouse a Cookie, uncertain how a book for children could possibly help him write, least of all about this, until he opened it and started to read.

Where's some of the words.

Circled carry Russell and Matthew Reese. This isn't just a book, It's a code.

Rock next time on?

Does this murder make me look gay?

Or back?

Poor Teddy?

That's horrible?

Oh choking a dick?

Wilmer, Holy shit, I'm hard as a rock.

Stop got them?

Twinks? No, they don't count.

This is America, twinks always count.

Does this murder make me look gay? Stars? Michael Ury as James Wilson, Douglas Sills as Reginald Divine, Robin de Jesus as Wilmer Munroe, Sienne Jackson as Jacques Saint Cox, Sean Patrick Doyle as Madame Moon, Brad Oscar as Tush Von Munch, Nathan Lee Graham as Henry Jacobs, Frankie Grande as Kelly Raymore, and Flanagan, Seth Rudetsky as Polly Barker, Leah Delaria as tj featuring Kate McKinnon as Angela Lansferry with Leah Salonga as herself, and Jonathan Freeman as Vandy

Has done a overlanding rentro. I don't know, I know no.

Ninth Planet Audio cap gon.

We're overlanding, You're over landing over