Episode 2: No Good Can Come From Bad

Previously on does this murder make me look gay?

Thing?

Dog?

The bitch is dead, then it's probable.

Then whoever killed Vandy is in this very room.

He hadn't been himself lately, jumpy, erratic.

Some moments he'd be high.

Others he'd be lows almost like you, Yes, like he was falling in love.

Will What the hell.

Are you doing here? Daddy?

Cut me off?

Did a gun just fall out of your pants? No, this isn't bandy.

Welcome back, dear listener. We left you on quite a cliffhanger. Don't worry. It was intentional to keep you engaged.

Keep you hooked.

If HBO's Looking had more cliffhangers, I think it would have stayed on the air longer. It was a wonderful depiction of the West Coast queer community. But where was the audience? I'll tell you where? Looking for another show? Back to my story, though, Before we dive in, let's take a trip back in time to three days before my disappearance.

Mandy passed me that screw okay, I think I'm.

Done and you're sure it's hidden?

Absolutely no one will ever see it.

Madonna's real face never see it or Trump's real hair. Never see it the latter.

Which room should we do next?

Mine? I suppose follow me.

Wow, your bedroom is stunning.

I know I think of it as my personal church, but with fucking see that Roman armor. That's the breastplate that we used in my film that collapse. Oh and that dresser belonged to Liberachi. I had it shipped from Palm Springs. Lost a couple of thousand rhinestones along the way. But boy, does that baby still shine. There's a picture Wilmer when he was a boy before the surgeries. Hard to believe, right, a real miss kite, but doctor Diloman fixed him up good.

Isn't doctor Dilamand a character in Wicked?

I wouldn't know. But if he is, then he's also got an office at sixty seventh in Park. Now, drill, and I want cameras too, not just microphones.

You want me to install hidden cameras in your house.

Exactly like what parents do when they spy on their nanny. Can you pick some up at the home depot?

That's not how that's pronounced.

And it's one thing to secretly record audio of gay men, but cameras too, without them knowing you could get arrested.

I'd rather go to jail than die. At least then I'd be surrounded by men who do nothing except teach themselves the law and work out in heaven. It'll just be me and Helen Keller.

That's it. What about Martin Luther King Junior? Or Mother Teresa?

Ooh, don't even get me started on that. See you next Tuesday. You want a piece of advice, Never trust a nun.

What about Maria from the sound of Music?

She was a postulate? Oh fine, nix the cameras you.

Know, Vandy. I'm happy to help, but isn't this a bit much?

How else might I overhear? Who wants to murder me? When the most likely suspects arrived for the weekend?

Since you brought it up, why are you inviting all these people? Aren't you asking for trouble?

You don't have to ask for trouble when you're rich. Trouble finds you.

Maybe you've been fighting lately, but that doesn't mean your friends or your husband want you gone forever. I argue with my parents all the time about money, my career, lack of career.

I still love them, James. I admire your optimism. It's the sort of hopefulness you have when you're young and poor, and I'm neither. So there is one person, and I hope is on my side, an actual friend, perhaps even something more. I'm about to embark in a new chapter in my life. I only want to look forward, not back.

So you're gonna tell me the plan how you'll catch your killer.

I shan't put you at risk. What if you were captured and tortured? I couldn't live with myself.

I see you have a crossbow, some rope, and a box large enough to fit a human body.

Does your plan have anything to do with those?

God, you're smart, can't get anything past you. Don't worry about me. I often find myself between a cock and a hard place.

You mean a rock and a hard place?

Sure that too? And when I find myself in such a dilemma, I know exactly where to go. Now for the show lights, camera action, Oh and pass me that crossbow on him?

Lives a cake and his friends want him dead?

Right?

Why someone wants to kill him even though it's wrong?

Thinks the world is matter wrong than He's born.

Very closely lien with you, worries see if you can guess switch one of these queens.

Baby is the killer? Who is the killer? Who did it? Who wanted? Who did it?

Who crept in his band?

Who did it?

What did you?

What does it mean?

Who could it be? Who did it?

They're dropping like flies?

Who didn't?

Guys like diyes in it?

It?

Does this mode?

Make me?

Look?

Here?

You go breakfast fit for a queen. Besides, there's no bacon or sausage out. The meat went bad overnight since the power is out.

Damn stupid meat.

But there is fresh ish fruit and scooped out bagels, and also a trash can if you want to binge and vomit up.

Not that I support eating disorders, but you know, shit happens.

I can't believe it's still snowing and the roads are still blocked. It will be hours.

Before we get plowed.

Story of my Life.

I real eyes that our collective spirits are pretty low. But that's what art is for, to lift us up. Why don't Polly and I entertain you with a song? What do you say, Polly?

Anything for you?

Moon?

Oh that's okay, it's early. Another headache. Angela Lance Ferry kept me up all night, which is why she's over there with her cage covered.

Music is the perfect medicine.

Curlly's right. We could do with a bit of quiet after last night.

Absolutely after my performance, Polly, what to sing? What to sing? Nothing too depressing? Of course, Let's put a pip in everybody's pep eh, Polly, Oh, excellent choice two three four. Everybody loves my baby, but my baby. Don't love nobody but me, nobody but me. Everybody wants my baby, but my baby don't want nobody but me. That's plain to see. I am his sweet but tea, and he is my loving man knows how.

While Moon and Polly were performing, Tush decided to sneak breakfast to Wilmer, who was still tied up in the broom closet.

Film it's me, Thank God, you know a minnocent Please get me out of here.

It's giving real Camilla Cobeo Cinderella vibe.

I know, boy, chick.

I'll get you out, just like I snugged those raisin cookies out of boken Volt.

Only don't try to kill anyone. Okay, here's a.

Scone kisses me up on my rosy cheeks. I just let those kisses be don't wash my face for weeks. That's why everybody loves my baby, But my baby don't love nobody but me.

Nobody bar me.

Who wants to hear another?

No West Reginald, Master Reginald is still in. He needs his beauty rest.

Oh he must be worried sick about Bandy. They had their problems, but still boone. How long have you and Polly been an adam? Oh?

Oh we're not together?

Oh my apologies.

I'm going to thorn you to word.

Lovers ha Polly, can you imagine?

No?

Definitely not, how ridiculous.

But we have been together longer than most romantic relationships. We're artistic partners. Remember the day we met, Polly?

How could I forget.

Coney Island nineteen eighty nine. I was living inside the cyclone, fending for myself, like something straight out of Oliver. I always had long lady fingers, so I was good at snatching wallets and watches, but my luck was running out. One day I spotted a boy strutting down the boardwalk selling his ass for cat. I offered him some peanuts and he ate them with the shells still on. Told me he played the piano. Wanted to be a musician, but didn't have a muse. You're in luck, I told him.

Carnegie Hall?

Wow?

No, No, Carnegie Hole. Dear bottom of a fishing boat. Great gig. All the shrimp we could eat?

And you haven't grown tired of each other?

Lay, I need change, and that's why I've never slept with the same person more than once.

Doesn't that mean you're just a really bad lay? How is that vandy?

This body Henry and I just threw on the table all over your breakfast spread.

Isn't vandy? I mean it is, but it's not. It's fake.

Van is not real. That explains so much.

No, No, he's real. It's just the body we found in his bed.

It was a toy, like a sex dool I've seen those before. There's a model designed after me. It was commissioned by the grinder, serial killer. I have complicated feelings about that.

Jacques, you poor dumb hot thing.

Mommy to hold you, no kiss you. Nope, I could take my pennies off and do little dance. I find that homophobic people. Please.

This fake cadaver means the real Vandy is alive and hiding in this house. We need to find him before he's actually killed.

Fake body, fake blood, Vandy is messing with her, trying to get in our butts.

I'm in heads.

That may be true, But why hasn't Bandy revealed himself? Why is he stilling? I propose we split into pairs and search the house with safety in numbers.

But that means that one of us will be paired with the murderer, potential murderer.

I suppose it's a risk we'll have to take.

Let's unlock Vilma so he can join other of vice. He can't defend himself, and he's a prime target to get acted.

I don't know, Chef, I'm not sure we can trust him.

I trust him. Isn't that good enough?

If Vilma isn't let out of that closet, then Angela Anthey and have to stand.

God and we all know how annoying that will be no place. Don't take off the cover. Zibium Jay plebian PEP loved you?

Mississippi bird bet?

What on earth is that?

Oh, Mississippi bird bets all the race in the South. It's when you fill a girl's mouth with kool aid. Then she gets on her knees and you dip your balls inside like a like a little baby bird wet and it's a little bake disgusting.

Why does Angela Lansfin know what that means?

Bib and g pib and G. Personally, I find these sex acts homophobic.

Why are they always done to women? What about gay men? Are you saying you want to be degraded?

I'm saying I should be allowed to be.

Yeah, can you please shut the bird up? Iv E fine, Wilmer can come, but he has to remain handcuffed.

Deal the letting you out feel me. But you have to promise not to kill daddy or any of us.

Yes, Chef, I promise I won't kill anyone.

Not entirely convincing, but sure. I guess. Now to pick partners, Let's draw straws.

They don't chip straws here. Terrible for the environment. But we could draw from the houseto do collection. You have a house dildo collection, of course. Here it's the two of every size. Don't worry exact clean.

Oh okay, everyone line up, close your eyes and dig in. Kelly, you're first.

Oh a pink dil do.

Henry, this is so distasteful and grotesque.

And oh it looks like a wall a pink one stripped Doc Dough.

I'll go fingers crossed for one. That fuss is hm hmm, tiny thing, Paullie.

You picked a right big fucker, didn't you.

It is pretty large, Marto.

Holy shit, Paulli were a match, hippie. I'll go now, oh, small like mine?

Can I repick?

No?

Everyone goes once tush oh and now me yes for a pair kido, which leaves one for Reginald.

We can't send him off alone, can.

We definitely not?

Someone uncover the bird, Angela Lansferry, your partners with Reginald.

Wake him up and search this out.

Be mine forever.

Srish and I will take the bedrooms. Moon and Wilmer, you take the attic. Kelly and Henry. You've got the kitchen, the pantry, and the dining room. Pauline and Jacques. That leaves you with the study, the library, and the ballroom. Now, everyone throw your dildos back in the box. We need to search every inch of this place and find Vandy before the.

Killer does.

Actually, can I keep mine? You may not?

And so they were off into the deep dark depths of my beautiful Hudson Valley home. Do you know I was in el Decorp once. I didn't even have to pull any strings. Eat that, Henry. But as they explored the rest failed to notice someone's slip into James's room, rummaged through his drawers and steal the gun and a pair of his box of briefs.

Henry?

Did you hear there?

What what I thought? I heard a noise? What about that?

Old houses make noises, Kelly, and this one is especially old and tacky.

That lap looks like something out of Elton John's basement. Don't even get me started on the chaise.

Oh sorry, I'm just so nervous.

Wow, that's awful.

What did you eat?

Nothing?

My guts as healthy as a gun of a dead peg in the sunshine.

Are you trying to kill me?

You wouldn't have lasted a second at Hogwarts, Oh.

No, that's a lot, even for me.

I can't tell if our attic is really dirty or just regular dirty.

You know, Wilmer, I'm reminded of that book Flowers in the Attic.

Have you read it?

Quite the twisted tale. A brother and sister are locked away in an attic much like this one. Then they fall in love and fuck each other's brains out?

Why would you fuck your brother?

Why wouldn't you? Nothing is taboo anymore? Not sensory Honor released s and m Incest is one of the final sexual frontiers. If I had a brother, i'd a fucking day and night Nay and jay. I have my eye on someone here, actually, but I live for gossip spill. Okay, it's let me guess, is it me?

No?

Would it be me?

No?

It's chock. You want to fuck a porn star? Shocking?

Polly's cute too, if you like the silent type.

I couldn't possibly think of sex at a time like this. I'm completely focused on finding vandy before anything happens. I guess i'd suck shock too. I like my men, how I like my tea English and uncut and piping hot. No silly down my open throat.

What Drew, I insist, Angela Lance Ferry, you first, christ Bird, can just say anything else?

Drub?

How many goddamn peanut butter and jelly sandwiches?

Did that?

Idiot husband of mine?

Feed you, good baby boy? Lick it right off?

Could you just have some dignity?

Bird?

You know, King George the fifth owned in African Gray named Charlotte. Now, I'm sure gorgeous Charlotte didn't go around.

I love you, I love you, my sweet Bertie Bark.

Just come now, come now into the cellar. We're supposed to be looking for daddy bandy.

Come on, I love you, and I hate my.

Gay, unnaturally youthful husband.

In a word, fuck it.

I hate you, admit it, Jock.

But I'm scared me too, Polly.

This library is frightening.

I've never seen so many books in my life.

I'm not scared of books.

I'm scared of don't you hear that?

You think it might be a ghost.

I don't believe in ghosts.

Same same.

I did have a walking once, though, Oh what a walking? When a spirit enters your body and like inhabits you, makes you do things you don't want to do. Happened about three years ago, I robbed a bank and fuck a senior citizen. Tit's to the ground in a mangy opus sounds horrible.

It sounds like my god.

I know that healthy, gorgeous belt and perfect pitch anywhere it is Broadway.

Icon and Disney legend. Leah Salanga.

Feels wrong to be in Master Vandy's bedroom without him?

Were you in here a lot?

Sunday mornings? He took breakfast in bed. Master Vandy enjoyed his routine, a cup of coffee and a twinky. He said, it's not Hitchcock eight Master Andandy idolized Hitchcock, and not just because his last name included the word cock. He loved his films, wanted to make movies that would.

Leave a lasting impression, just like he is. Who must have Vandy Vandy?

Can you hear me, Tush, it's not the time for yental. It's never the time for yental. Now do you notice anything out of the ordinary? Has anything been moved?

I don't think so.

But my eyesight isn't what it used to, because that's why I use my binoculars.

What kind of books are you writing?

Excuse me?

At night, I look out from my bedroom into the window of your cabin and watch your undress I mean type, I mean stare at your computer.

And try to write. That's a little creepy.

Thank you.

Anyway, I've been working on a novel, but I can't seem to find inspiration. Every time I stare at the screen, I just shut down.

I know a girl Vance who wrote and wrote and wrote, and Frank, I wonder what happened to her?

You knew, and Frank, sure, who didn't.

That's one thing.

Master Vandy had no trouble this inspiration. He worships the male form.

Look at his bedroom wisconces long.

And curved, deeplyphantic.

No, and the chandelier from their understanding, see how the crystal seemed to suggest but cheeks.

Yes.

Oh, and these statues marble imported from Italy, muscles and pecks and blot sme.

And let's not forget the erect penises, so hard and smooth. I love how they framed the bookshelves.

You must know the other guests pretty well. Who would you say as a motive for wanting Bandy dead?

All of them? The awful people.

Kelly, for example, was very upset with Master Vandy last night he wants apart in Master Vandy's new movie.

He mentioned it at dinner and Vandy went berserk.

There are only so many ways I can say, no, oh, Kelly, you don't have the face for the silver screen. In fact, you don't even have the face for the radio or a fiction audio podcast series on iHeart.

You'd have to kill me to get into one of my movies.

Maybe I will, Vandy.

Maybe, ah Well, it was very dramatic.

Kelly threatened to kill him in front of everyone. That's not a great look. What did Reginald say?

Master Vandy and Master Reginald Lean separate lives?

Is it?

Boss? How do I put this?

Fucking other people? You see a lot from your job in Boves, midnight snacks.

And lub runs.

They slept with other people in this house. Wouldn't one of them see the other with a different guy?

Rumor is this mansion is loaded? The secret passageways only Vandy knew about. But in all my years here, I've never seen Fun's.

That It's coming from downstairs?

There there, Kelly, warm yourself by the fire in this beautiful wood paneled study.

What's going on?

Kelly went outside in the store.

I'm worried he might have hypothermia. Ha, I can't feel my dick. Why would he go outside in the storm.

Let's just trying to get.

Recepting on the fucking roof, on the roof, Plly, we love that song? Up the ladder to the roof.

If we can see no saying it not now?

How well?

What kind of gay men are?

Awesome?

Creature of my hands before I straggle, laft.

Calm Birdie, sit on my shoulder, on my face, Henry, we're supposed to stay with our partners.

How could you let Kelly out of your sight?

Kelly is a grown man sort of.

I can't be expect to watch him every single second.

That's exactly what a murderer would say. Are you suggesting I killed Vandy?

I'm suggesting that maybe you snuck away from Kelly to find him and then, yeah, murder him. If anyone is going to kill Vandy, it would be you, Wilmer, since you already admitted to try or Kelly.

He's the one who fought with Vandy last night.

I be his movie. But Shaq can vouch for me.

We were.

Fucking okay, casp Shack. Is this true? Yeah, it's true? Right, Hey, what makes sense?

I'm sorry, but I can't picture it. You're an adonis and Kelly is.

What exactly?

Darling, Let's be real, you're gross.

It's true, Kelly, you're not a girl, and I wish your personality made up for it.

But that sucks too.

Jacques, you're sure you were fucking Kenny?

Pretty sure?

It just I mean, I mean, wow, he's.

Not that bad.

No, he is.

Hattie's should be with Harti's and Kelly is a.

Naughty I am not a naughty.

Well saw Ray. I don't know what to do in a manhunt.

This house is so big. I don't know where to go. Oh my god, James, Ah, you are right.

Maybe he has to go party. Polly's face looks like that when he has to go number two.

No, I don't have to poop, not yet anyway. I know where Vandy is. Follow me?

What are we doing in Vandy's bedroom?

We searched this, Tusha and I were here earlier. He mentioned this house is full of secret pass Reginald is this true?

Supposedly?

But just said he never discovered one. But what if there's a passageway right in this room? Before you all arrived Vandy told me.

I often find myself between a cock and a hard place. And when I find myself in such a dilemma, I know exactly.

Where to go.

Do you suppose he met between a rock and a hard place?

That's what I thought.

But look at these statues, the beautiful men with their fat heard dicks. There's a bookshelf between them, a cock and a hard place.

What are you doing? Why are your hands on the.

Sarah Jessica Parker.

These dicks are levers, and the bookshelf is the door to a secret passageway.

Oh are y'all?

I'll lead the way, shall we?

And so James did lead the way through the narrow, tight little passageway that went my bedroom too.

Well, just listen, it's so dark.

I can't see a thing here.

Mooney, hold on to me.

Someone just grabbed my ass.

My bad, if I only had my wonglumos loumos.

Now someone just grabbed my other ass.

Come on, guys, stay with me.

As James walked, feeling for the potential light source, he could hear Henry and Reginald whispering behind him.

Henry, are you thinking not here?

Not now?

I need it, Reginald I need my fix.

Then all of a sudden I stepped on something.

I think it was a gloss.

Quick. Someone must have a lighter.

I do.

I always have one in me on me.

Suddenly the passageway was illuminated by a hint of buttery light. James saw Reginald slip something into Henry's hand, which Henry immediately pocketed, something that looked like drugs.

There it is a glass Jacques stepped on.

You only crushed half of it.

Looks like a Brandy sniffer.

Master Andy drank Brandy every night before bait Crozy eighteen fifty eight.

Reginald pass me the lighter.

Why what do you just give it to me?

Fine, bossy James took the lighter and held it out before him. Shadows played on the walls, the ceiling.

And up there.

Look it's by.

Everyone stays still and calm.

Ye someone checked his posts.

I will.

I'm a decorator. I'm used to people fainting once they get my bill.

Henry bent down and pressed his fingers to my neck, waiting for a pulse, a pulse that never came.

Coucky klondike, Bob a lion, shut up, He's dead, Bandy's dead for real this time?

Next time on? Does this murder make me look gay?

Look at Bandy's body displayed out like that.

My husband is certainly more flexible in death than he was in life.

Shoot the sherbet, slam the hen. Who what are we going to eat for lunch? I've seen part of yellow jackets. Now I say we snack on little Kelly me.

Wait what?

Jacques is a muscle? Ill Moon is too thin?

Ick you you're just the army hammer pick of the week, underwear socks? Wait? What arsenic? Gay?

Gasp?

I think I just found the murder weapon?

Ah?

Does this murder make me look gay? Stars Michael Ury as James Wilson, Douglas Sills as Reginald Divine, Robin de Jesus as Wilmer Munroe, Sienne Jackson as Jacques saint Cock, Sean Patrick Doyle as Madame Moon, Brad Oscar as Tush von Munch, Nathan Lee Graham as Henry Jacobs, Frankie Grande as Kelly Raymorean Flanagan, Seth Rudetsky as Polly Barker, Leah Delaria as TJ featuring Kate McKinnon as Angela Lansferry, with Leah Salga as herself and Jonathan Freeman as Vandy Jeremiah

I don't know.

I know he's saying, non control No nine Planet Audio capcom we're gop landing.

You're no laming over

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