¶ Social Media, TikTok, and the Pit
Have y'all been hearing the rumors ? Don't start , no rumors , Henny . Jennifer Aniston gonna be this way .
Thanks for feeding the algorithm .
Nate , what would you do if we became really famous and these type of rumors go out ?
You know me , I don't really actually care what people think about me . You can't control what the public thinks about you . You could put out something that you think is completely positive , and people can spin it any which way they want . You just have to be thoroughly entertained by what people think about you .
I hate when people just like .
Okay , you know what ? I'd be tight . I'd be like yo I'ma divorce this dude , yo I'ma come for him . Yo y'all both getting clapped up , it don't ever matter . Aim high , willis , aim high .
Did you just combine the 40-year-old virgin ?
That's pretty good .
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Protect your income , secure your future . Check out setforlifeinsurancecom . Yo , what's good everybody . Welcome to another episode of Docs Outside the Box . I'm Dr Nii , joined by Dr Renee as well as Kiara .
We're here to talk about a question that we got from a listener , as well as TikTok , the Pit and maybe even some other things that are kind of currently going on in the United States or going on in the world . So why don't we jump right into it Real quick ? How are you guys doing ? You guys doing all right , we are here .
Yep , Damn All right guys Welcome back me , thank you .
Thank you very much . It's good to be back in the United States and it's good to well . It's interesting to be back in a , in a state or in a country that is banned TikTok , because everybody else is chilling , enjoying TikTok , except the United States .
Well , tiktok not banned in the United States , no more .
Have you guys heard about it ?
Was it even banned .
No , no , no , no , no . So for the record , right now , as of right now , we are recording this January 27th , so technically , you cannot go to the Play Store for Android or the App Store for Apple and you cannot find TikTok , so much so that people are selling iPhones on eBay right now .
With TikTok on it .
With TikTok on it only . I got a phone for sale too , for $45,000 to $50,000 . What ? Those are the asking prices right now .
I got a $45,000 phone right now . Do I have TikTok ?
on my phone . You got to think about so many people who have you got to think about so many people who are like they have online businesses , right , or , you know , they do content and they get paid so much . And TikTok , you know , is not available . If you took TikTok off your phone thinking that it was going to be banned .
But there's a web version of TikTok isn't there ?
I don't think so yes .
Yes , there is .
I actually am still able to get on the web version . I deleted TikTok just because before everything happened , but I know that there are people who are still able to use the app anyway .
But the TikTok version can you record .
That I don't know . What do you mean ? The TikTok version , the desktop ?
version . The web version , the web version Can you record ? Oh , I actually don't know I mean that's a desperation move for somebody , Because think about it , Otherwise why would they pay that much ? Whether you're OnlyFans , whatever it is , you create it on TikTok and you make hella money off of it .
You probably might spend $50,000 to get a cell phone Would y'all .
Well , if I were making a million dollars , yeah , I'd spend $50,000 for a cell phone .
Absolutely , it's equipment at that point , what about you ? Look , social media is not that serious for me , but I also don't make money off of social
media .
But if you did if you was making money off of social media .
If that was my only source of income , yes . However , that also poses a different question , right like is your sole income social media ? And if it is why , because we ? Saw what happened when instagram went down and people were panicking all over and it was just down just for like an update or whatever .
I mean look this boils down to if you create in anything , there's a couple of things One , what you create on these platforms isn't really yours . And two , you know , should you be trying to get these mugs off of your platform and you know and do something on your own and stuff . So I agree with you big time you shouldn't be relying .
You shouldn't be relying just on one and two . You know you got to think about the stakes when , like , you're just doing stuff on social media . Do you really control that information ? So I agree with what you're saying . But , man , if you're making , I mean think about it .
If you're going to spend $50,000 to get a cell phone that has TikTok on it , like hopefully in your mind , like you thinking okay , like if you're making at least a hundred grand , maybe even 50 grand , it may be worth it . You know , like look , this is how I make money .
Yeah .
You know so , but yeah , that TikTok BS . For me , what I really think the play is is , obviously there's a concern that the government thinks that they're taking bite dance in some form of fashion , is sending some information to the Chinese government and they're spying and so forth .
So I don't know how legitimate that is , but that apparently is what they sold to us .
But what has happened over the last two weeks is some BS stuff , and what I see is happening is there's a play to get most of these social medias owned by right-wing billionaires , because you got Twitter that's already owned by Elon Musk and he hasn't said outright what his stance is , but I think he's made it known what his stance is and then the people who
are interested in buying it buying TikTok outside of Mr Beast . I don't even know what his stance are , but outside of Mr Beast , most of the people who are interested in getting in , getting TikTok appear to be on the right . They're playing chess man , so it's been seven days .
I just want , I just want everybody to realize it's only been seven days , but you also gotta count . Can you count the stuff like from pre-inauguration also ? Because I feel like that part of that's part of the anticipation days , that's all .
That's all I'm gonna say is it hasn't been a month guys . It might feel like it has been , but it hasn't been a month guys . It might feel like it has been , but it hasn't . It's been seven days . That's all I'm going to say .
January has been the longest year so far .
The longest month ? Yeah , no year .
The longest year , the longest year .
That's deliberate and I would know because my birthday is at the end of the month .
But I feel like I have been a long year yes , january well , what do we have ?
fires , we have tiktok . We have snow . In the south florida got snow . You know , I'm I'm over the month , I'm ready to , I'm ready to go , I'm ready to go .
So , yeah , what we got next , what we talking about right now , don't we got a question ?
from a listener . We got a question from a listener .
Well before we go to the question .
Before we go to the question the pit . I know you have mentioned it before and how it ? Was like the greatest thing ever . Apparently , it's getting praised by other doctors . What they saying ? What they saying TV show .
Yeah , yo , the pit is on HBO max . I'm not going to tell y'all how I get it , but I ain't watching it on HBO max , cause you have HBO max , but I that's not my password Boom the pit wins praise from Pittsburgh ER staff for being most realistic . There you go , I agree .
Yeah , the executive producers behind the Max medical series vowed to be as authentic as possible and to focus on providers . So see , emergency medicine professionals at Allegheny General Hospital give a thumbs up . This is where it's being filmed at Allegheny General . Gave a thumbs up .
This is where it's being filmed
¶ Relationship Expectations and Betrayal
at Allegheny General .
Yeah , this show is really good . I haven't finished the last so far . There's two additional episodes , so we're on episode four and it's pretty good . So me and you , we haven't watched it yet , but I've seen it . Yeah , we haven't watched it together . Do this .
It's as close to um what I think you you would normally see in an er , realistically , I think you know I'm looking forward to seeing it my concern is if it's going to be interesting to hold people for an entire or an entire series .
But we'll see so , renee , why haven't ? Why haven't you seen it ? Is it because you can't watch tv with me ? Is he one of those people who talks through the show ?
No , it's that we have some things going on in our house right now and , just like TV the way I normally watch , it is just not really accessible this last week and a half .
On a non-compete or NDA , just tell them we're renovating the living room . We got some life things that are going on . It's not life things , you know . We're just not on the same wavelength where we watch .
TV , but we working it guys .
We need your support . It's like you trying to make it like Barack and . Michelle which y'all have y'all been hearing the rumors , don't start .
No rumors , henny .
Don't start .
No , you don't know the rumor Me . Well , I don't know which way you're going , so I want to know the rumor .
I'll just say this Don't start no rumors , Henny . I hope not . Don't use this platform to start no rumors about them .
People Don't do that , yeah have you ever heard Don't do that .
No , I don't even know where you're at . I don't even know where you at . I don't even know what you're talking about don't do that .
This ain't number 44 might be . Might be hanging out with .
Jennifer Aniston be this way thanks for feeding the algorithm Neet . Alright , then be this way .
Thanks for feeding the algorithm Nate All right .
What would you do in that situation ? Because we go . The next thing that we're going to talk about is relationship . But like , what would you do ? Like , like , if you ? What would you do Like if , like , we became really famous ?
And like , these type of rumors go out and stuff and just so everybody knows these are just rumors , nobody knows what's going on , but apparently there's an internet thing that's saying that Barack Obama and Michelle on the splits and that he's trying to date . What's her name ? Thanks for feeding the algorithm , jennifer Aniston .
First of all , if I know things , you know me . I don't really actually care what people think about me . I don't care what people think about me , I don't Actually . I'm like you're not putting food in my belly , All right . You're not putting money in my pocket .
So you see it on the news , you see it on social media . I would be thoroughly entertained . People are like where you at You're not coming to Carter's funeral , you ain't coming to the inauguration . I would be . I'm out having dinners . Like what's going on ? Like when I come home are you pissed . Like you see what you're causing out here .
People think that we on the outs .
I would be thoroughly entertained by other people's thoughts . I'd just be entertained . You know me , though you know me , you know how I am . Would you be mad if I went to the inauguration , if you went to the inauguration , the inauguration , if you went to the inauguration ? No , I wouldn't be mad if you went to inauguration .
I don't know , she tight mad Anyway .
You don't know that I listen .
Let's stop feeding the rumor mills , though .
Listen just because , just because let's see .
PR is PR . I mean , it's always going to be . You can't control what the public thinks about you . You could put out something that you think is completely positive , and people can spin it any which way they want . So that's why you just have to be thoroughly entertained by what people think about you , because at the end of the day , you can't control it .
I hate when like people just like .
Okay , Okay , you know what ? Yeah , I'd be tight . I'd be tight , yo I would hold a press conference and I would be like yo I'ma divorce this dude . Yo he don't even know , I'ma come for him . Yo y'all both getting clapped up . It don't effing matter .
Did you just combine the 40-year-old virgin ? Hey yo , that was pretty good . No matter where you are in your career , you've seen patients your age or younger get seriously injured , have a long-term illness or even have a mental health issue that affects their ability to work . Now what if that was you ? No , for real .
What if that was you Without disability insurance ? How are you going to replace your paycheck ? In episode 176 , jamie Fleissner of Cephalife Insurance explains why the best time to buy disability insurance is during your residency policies during residency , and there's several reasons .
First of all , when you're younger , you're able to obtain the insurance because they ask you a whole host of medical history , and so you usually don't get healthier over time . Usually you get less healthy over time , so when you're healthy it's easier to acquire the coverage . Number two it's also less expensive because it's based on your age and your health .
You're not getting younger or healthier over time , so you're at the ideal time . The earlier you get it and the younger you are , the less expensive it's going to be .
So , whether you're a resident or you're an attending , it's never too late to protect your income . Renee and I , we use Set for Life Insurance to find a disability policy that fit our needs and budget . So what are you waiting for ? Check out setforlifeinsurancecom . Once again , that's setforlifeinsurancecom . Once again , that's setforlifeinsurancecom .
All right , kiara , what's the question ?
All right .
Should we have like theme music before like ? No , we should answer the question , kiara Should we have like a theme song , alfred hit a theme song no , no , stop , stop , stop . Here's a question from the audience . A question from the audience , hey .
A question from the audience . We're sitting here talking about marriage . Let's go , let's go so the question we got was pertaining to marriage .
Okay .
It says hi , dr Znia Renee . I'm a fourth year med student preparing to match this March . While I'm excited to be almost complete with medical school , my spouse just informed me that if I don't match close to their hometown , they'll visit me on the weekends .
This is mainly motivated by their desire to return to the old job they had prior to moving after we got married in 2023 . We met in 2021 , just prior to me starting medical school . Since then , I've been continuously communicative regarding the unpredictable nature of the match .
They repeatedly told me it would all work out and we'll cross that bridge when we get there . I've applied to programs near their hometown , since we would prefer to be in that region . However , most of my interviews have been in other parts of the nation . Long story short , I feel somewhat betrayed , since I thought that we were in this together .
Prior to being engaged , I was open regarding the long haul of medical training . They've been supportive since day one , so , needless to say , I feel quite blindsided . I'm not interested in a long-distance relationship and I'm upset that they changed their mind , since things aren't panning out as they expected .
I honestly think my spouse is most happy when with family , friends , at their old job and in the familiarity of their hometown or home city , and that they didn't realize that living anywhere else was essentially a deal breaker , looking for advice on moving forward and other perspectives . Rd . RD thank you for writing this one .
If only right , if only so . This is a good question and I feel like , after thinking about this , I'm just like , hmm , should I sit this one out ?
So , just so everybody knows , in a quick Cliff Notes version like I'm probably not the most qualified person to answer this question why , because I just during my time , uh , in medical school , I just was acting like I just was acting like I was single and I was you were single , me you weren't married I was very focused on , you know , trying to get through
school and whatever relationship I was in at that point . Just to be honest , be damn , like none of that stuff was going to be a priority to me just getting through school and stuff .
So I feel like I just have a very singular , very singular view on it and I don't know , you know , as an older , 46 year old now , I can give a little bit of a comment , but I just I don't know , that's my life experience and I feel like but you were single .
Yeah , but you know , like I just wasn't the most , I wasn't the best boyfriend during that time .
No , but you were single , Like that's I mean .
And this person is married . That's what I'm saying .
I understand that , but you regardless right Artie .
Thank you for writing and we appreciate it . Let's get to the answer . So thank you for
¶ Five-Year Dating Rule and Marriage
writing . Yes , first , yeah no-transcript dating .
But I , too , was single , and I can't say that I was ready to be married at that point either , because what's with the face me , what's with the face ? Anywho , I was single as well , and I was not ready to give up my career or med school , or before I finished residency .
I always would have said no , because at that point , my life would have been so dictated by something else that I would not be able to move in a marriage the way that I would want to move in a marriage , and so that's that . That's just my reality . Now , as far as RD , um , a couple of things . First of all , you guys got married . What two years .
They met in 2021 , got married in 2022 .
So it's been three years now too .
So , yeah , it's been , yeah , yeah , yeah so , but they they married only two years after dating and they married two years after dating with something big and looming coming that they had not yet experienced together , because it sounds like they were not , she was not or he was not in medical school before the , you know , before the engagement .
I have a five-year rule . That's my five . Let's hear your five-year rule . What is your five-year rule ? Is that you should , which ? I think is ridiculous you could say it's ridiculous , but it worked for you . Um , you should . You should date somebody five years before you decide to get married . That's my five-year rule .
Because , right , right , kiara , okay , because , think about it .
I think most and , for the record , I think most dudes would be cool with this .
Listen , most dudes should one be cool with this , but two , a lot of women are not A lot of women are not because he's 15 up in his mom 15 years . He dated 10 years before we got married . But no , we dated 10 years before we got married . We started dating in 2023 . We got married in 2013 .
Wait say that again .
What we dated 10 years . I mean we got married , sorry , we started dating in 2003. , 2005 .
2003 .
2005 . 2003 . Look at you trying to Five that actually works worse for you . Nii , so say the 2003 . Five that actually works worse for you 2010 . Okay , I repped this smart tech he was a little confused but I got him back and now he ready to bounce . okay , all right , go ahead , say what you guys , but anyway , the five-year rule , you you can have .
You can have a great one year , you can have a great two years , starting into three years . You start seeing whether or not , like you know , y'all are really , really vibing Right , because at that point the butterflies , the butterflies have landed , everything has settled . What ?
about moving in . Should they move in during that ?
I don't believe people should move in before they get married .
That's too much of your Caribbean self , though .
No , no , no , no . That's actually not my Caribbean self . That's not actually what it is . I just don't believe people should move in before they get married . I'll tell you why in a second . But between like that third and fifth year , you're going to know whether or not you are willing to accept this person's quirks , because everybody comes with quirks .
And I'm going to tell you right now things that break people up right oftentimes is just like quirks . I don't like the way you say this . I don't like the way you talk to me . I don't like the way you do , but , like , in a span of three years , possibly even five years , there's going to be , maybe family strife in that person's family .
Yes , and you want to see how they handle it right , like do they get along with their brothers and sisters ? Do they get along with their parents ? How do they handle that ? Are they always cursing at each other ? Um , you know , like , the facade .
The facade falls after yeah , two and a half years .
Yeah , it's like because it's so much you can't , you can't keep it up .
It's exhausting , right , exactly , right exactly because I'm a big fan of like . I'll like me and renee talk about like these tv shows and they'll always have , like you know , this fantasy first date right , which I'm like . What's the point of all these things ? 90 day fiance no , I'm not talking about that .
I'm talking about like when a guy takes a girl out and on TV they'll say like oh , let's just have our first date .
Like on the rooftop of something it's like for what You're setting the standard up here , knowing damn well you ain't going to keep that up , because now I'm expecting rooftop dates all the time .
All the time Like what's the ? Damn point .
Where's ?
my helicopter ride I don't understand this right , like it makes no sense to me . That's why I feel like this is stupid , like just have a regular dinner and just call it a day .
But to have a coffee shop walk around the park , and then I say that all the time it's like don't set a standard you can't maintain . Exactly , don't set three year five they part in Exactly , they doing all kinds of things and , like you said , you know you're getting to know their family . Hopefully , if you haven't met someone's family by year three bounce .
That's a red red flag . That's a red flag Unless this person's family is on another continent somewhere that's not going to work for dudes . Listen , that's a red . I mean nobody from their family , like nobody . Are you serious After three , five years ? No , that for me would be a red flag , like okay , when did you meet my ? Family .
I met your family before I started dating you . What are you talking ?
about when did you meet my family as my girlfriend ?
I never met your family . As your girlfriend , you're the one that went and told them that you were going to propose to me .
That was 10 years later .
Okay , so don't , don't .
All I'm just saying is that I don't think it's that .
Technically , I did meet your family as your girlfriend , because I met your sisters , yeah Okay . Look at you . I met your sisters , yeah Okay .
This rule that she's talking about ? Does it make sense to you at all ?
So the five-year rule makes sense , having experienced the opposite of that .
Care to share over the social airwaves the docs outside the box podcast .
No , I don't mind . My husband and I . We met 2013 . And we got married . We got married in 2014 , technically , but I got pregnant before I got married . So we met January 2013 officially because we had worked together for at least a year .
We kind of just crossed paths .
We met officially in 2013 . Together for at least a year we kind of just crossed paths . We met officially in 2013 . I moved in with him March 2013 . So January 2013 we met . March 2013 , we . That was quick .
Love that first sight .
And then I moved to Hawaii with him that same year , December 2013 .
But you guys are military , though . That's the other . Yeah , so this is standard across the 2013 . But you guys are military though . Yeah , so this is standard . That's the other layer , right .
Yes and then , so we moved to Hawaii in 2013 . I was pregnant in January and we got married in September .
Mm-hmm .
Yeah , would you do it again , knowing ?
that no Wait , no Would I , no , I would absolutely wait .
Would you do it in that sequence again ? That's what I mean .
No , I would not . I would have waited , not that . And I'm not going to be like oh he's terrible or whatever . He's not , he's just like . There are certain things that I would not have overlooked . I would have ran the opposite way .
Let me ask you this question Do you think there's more stuff , that there's more shit that you put up with , mainly because he's in the military also ? So just bringing it back to , this question that . Rd sent to us . You know , there's certain things that I think we put up with , mainly because you might be dating someone who is a doctor , right ?
Mainly because you might be dating someone who is a doctor , right ? Like being a doctor is very , or the attaining or the path towards becoming a doctor is very demanding , that I think we as a society say that it's worth it to wait for someone to go through this .
So I'm saying in the military is the same thing right , like it's , a military life is very demanding .
We know that if someone is being deployed , the honorable thing , you know , there's a certain honor of being a spouse of someone who's deployed , whether it's a woman or a man or a man , and stuff's expected . So for me it was easier to transition . I do see a lot of spouses on the opposite end of that that do struggle a little bit more .
So when he was gone it wasn't like , oh my gosh , I miss him , Like it was just like OK , I know he's coming back , It'll be a couple months , it's going to suck , Whatever . There are people , there are spouses that struggle a little bit more because they don't know what it's like . They don't have the experience .
They have an expectation of hey , I haven't heard from my spouse in a week . For me it's like I haven't heard from him in a week , like I'll hear from him when I hear from him . For them it's like it's been a week , because they don't know that while you're out there , anything can happen . They can shut everything down , they can shut the Internet down .
You know , they go off the grid . So I have a different experience , because I already know the expectation On the other end of that . My kids didn't . So I was able to see what their process was like . This was actually their first deployment . So , because they didn't know what to expect , their emotions were a little bit all over the place .
So it's a little bit different over the place .
So it's a little bit different where I can understand where RD's partner is in the mindset of , because I'm not close to family . Like , my family does not live here , his family does , though it is a little harder for me as far as family goes because I do feel like I'm missing out on a lot of things .
You know my grandmother's getting older , my grandfather's getting older , my little brother , my nieces , so it is a little hard to be away from family , but it's not something I didn't anticipate , it wasn't something that I didn't already know I was walking into . Thank you for sharing that .
I think in this case with RD , like now , you have a situation where your partner she probably told the partner hey , this is what's going to happen at the end of medical school . We're going into a match . I'm sure she told that person that I'm not in much control . You know like I create a rank order list .
You know I do my interviews first and they invite me for an interview . I set up a rank order list . Interview . I set up a rank order list and then , when it's time for the match , the computer does its algorithm thing and it spits out a place that I'm going to go . It's almost like a draft .
I don't want to assume that RD is a female , but it is just standard across the board that women do tend to consider their partner a little bit more when making decisions .
When making decisions . I'll concede that .
Yeah , I'll concede that .
But hold on a second . I just want to bring something back from a few episodes ago , when Nhi had an opinion on , when you start dating somebody , what should happen in terms of what you tell them about going to medical school and residency . Didn't you have an opinion on that ?
Yeah , I said that you don't necessarily have to tell someone that you're dating , that you're going to be matching and maybe on another part of the country in four years .
So at what point do you think you should tell that person ?
I mean whenever you want to , but I don't think you have to tell them that you're just dating , You're not married to this person .
Yeah , but eventually you're dating and then you like get engaged .
So at what point ? But this person wasn't engaged to this person . This person was dating . They're like still like they probably went Dutch , like they're still going Dutch on a date . Like why I got to tell you in four years I'm about to be out .
I didn't say that . But at some point you know that the relationship is becoming serious . So at what point should you tell that person that this is what's going on ? Because you got to give that person some lead time , which is exactly what happened here ,
¶ Navigating Career and Relationship Priorities
right ? So RD starts dating the spouse , right , this conversation is had . Now I don't know at what point the conversation is had , but if the conversation was had before the engagement , then I think that's fair to be like . All right . You know , this person kind of knew what they were getting into , or at least understood the upcoming circumstances .
I don't know , I don't know when it comes up when you're dating , but in this question she is saying wait , are we assuming RD is a woman ?
No .
RD is saying that they told their spouse while married .
No , no , no , no . Rd said that the spouse that they had the discussion . We don't know when the discussion was had .
But that person has had a point to absorb that information and gave back the answer of we'll cross that bridge when we get there . Right , yep , right back the answer of we'll cross that bridge when we get there . Right , yep , right .
So they understood that there's a possibility or there will be a time where a decision will need to be made as to where RD is going to be living , working , and it's not completely up to RD .
So I'll say this when that conversation comes up , I think the other conversation , especially for people who are in incongruent relationships , right , you're not two doctors , two med students , two residents , you know , you basically are dating someone who is not in the medical field .
I think , when that conversation comes up , the other conversation of , well , what does the other person want to do with their own career ?
Right , like that needs to weigh just as heavily , because what happens is medical school and residency are temporary , but this person's career may not necessarily be something that's , you know , very temporary , right , the training starts and then the training stops for us , but for them they may be in like a long haul career and so it's like all right .
Well , should I ask this person , or should I have a realistic expectation that this person is going to put their career , which is on a trajectory already , right ? Should I ask this person to put their career on hold while I finish ?
Because that could be , depending on the , you know , depending on the circumstance , depending on the specialty you're getting into , that could range between seven and nine years .
Yeah , I can actually speak to that Please , cause I followed , I followed my , so he's he's almost done . He's got like the last stretch left before 20 . Um , and I had put my career on hold . Um , across the board . Um , would I do it again ? No , if I could go back in time , I would absolutely not do it . I would not .
It's so hard to have to start over every time . One every time he moves , because this is all you know . It all started before things became virtual and whatnot . And two , it's hard to explain gaps in your resume . So , as the other end of that , as a spouse , I would absolutely not do it .
Right . So that might be a deal breaker for you to be in a relationship with somebody like that .
Ladies , what advice would you give our Dean ?
Well , one . This is what I would say .
I would say that , while it is noble that the spouse at first said , hey , I'm willing to go along this journey with you , to be flexible , because you can't discount the fact that this person is literally in a holding pattern , this person is in limbo , and when they started on their career path , that is not what they necessarily signed up for .
Now you could argue , well , but when you decided to marry me , that is what you signed up for . Yes , but you also signed up to be with someone who wasn't in medicine and who has never experienced something like this before , and so you've got to give a little bit of leeway to people essentially changing their minds .
You know what , if RD decided , you know , like me , let's say , I was like oh , I want to be a pediatrician , but then I decided no , you know , I want to be a pediatrician , but then I decided no , you know what , I want to be a neuro neurovascular surgeon instead . Right , and I had the wherewithal to be able to do that .
Well , that goes from a three year residency to now a seven year plus Right , Because you got research years and all this kind of stuff . I mean that's a lot .
Tiara . What do you think ? That's a lot . What are you saying ?
So be flexible .
What I want to say is I don't know . I don't want to say it because I don't want to be a bottle . You can say it .
Pod girl , pod Pod .
Girl we podding or what yo Pod .
Okay , okay .
Don't tell RD what to do . You just called out your own relationship . You want to call out somebody else's .
Don't tell RD what to do . Let's do . What would Kiara do in this situation ?
What Kiara would do is , honestly , I would try to do the long distance weekend thing but realistically , but I don't think it's gonna like first , like when you're married , you can't go into things like that right like we , we gonna try this marriage is work we're gonna try this and I'm okay , I'm trying it but the worst case is that but if it doesn't work ,
then we're not together . This is not like dating , right ? So I guess I wouldn't say is there any red flags of this situation ? Oh , there's .
There's red flags . There was red flags in the very beginning .
Well , let's hear it . Let's hear the red flags , because Artie's mad now when you what's the red flags ?
Artie's like . This is not what I wanted to hear . I didn't have y'all come in and pick up my relationship .
Well , you shouldn't have rode into docks outside the box .
All right , we'll cross that bridge when the time comes . That was a red flag , because that should have been a conversation that they dove deep into the reality of it .
That's a red flag , the fact that they didn't want to discuss it , so you think they should have been able to pin the person down , like not . I need you like a definitive yes . Is that what you're saying ?
No , but I think it's a conversation that should have been brought up many times . We brought it up , especially before marriage , before saying , hey , let's cross this bridge . They could have postponed the marriage until after they were done with medical school .
Like , hey , I don't know what this is going to look like , I don't know if marriage is going to be , you know how it's going to work with our marriage . Realistically , like as people in general , we tend to think about all the scenarios . Women more than men , we start to think about all the scenarios . Like , realistically , what's it's going to look like ?
And we kind of do spiral . As women , I'm going to be realistic . But that's a conversation I should have had and instead of having that conversation , they decided , oh , we'll just cross it , cross that bridge when the time comes . Now , the bridge is here and they're on opposite sides of the bridge .
Exactly yeah , and I think you know because RD is probably right now .
What's your red flag ?
RD is probably like right now , well , all of that is water under the bridge , because we are , we here now , we here now , we here now . So I would say , be flexible , be flexible to try in the long if you , if you truly , if you truly want marriage to work with this person .
Okay , so that's assuming that you don't have other reasons that you want to end this marriage . Right , because we have to think about those things too . Right , like this is definitely a maybe a fork in the road , but there may be other things to consider that we just we are not privy to .
But if you think that there are reasons to stay married to this person , then be flexible , because the reality is your residency is temporary , your marriage should not be right , and so if you're saying that your marriage can't survive this temporary situation , then you've got other things that you need to worry about outside of going to residency and having a long
distance marriage right .
Having a long distance marriage is temporary , you say temporary Residency is temporary . Right ? So at the end of med school she goes into residency , right ? Is that where this goes ? Yes , so because that's temporary , would you say that them trying to move into the area , the hometown or whatever ?
For me , the way I'm thinking about it , it doesn't make any sense . Like the goal sounds like hey , you know , my partner wants to get a job there . They want to basically set roots , settle down whatnot , and you're saying that that's not the end , all be all . You're only there for however many years and then you're up and out again .
Yes , so that exactly Right .
So basically it's like well , let's say , you know , Kiara , like you met your husband in New York City , and then I happen , he happens to go to medical school in Kansas City , Missouri . Right , but you guys are still making it work .
You guys get married and then at the end of medical school in Kansas City he gets into a residency in , let's just say , Atlanta .
Are you proposing to Kiara in front of me ? That's what I want to know .
So then , the question is well , kiara , do you leave New York and come down to Atlanta , or do you wait out the three to five years ? Let me finish in Atlanta and then , when I'm finished , meet you back up in New York .
That's where Renee , I think , is talking about't have to and a lot of people tend to if their residency isn't kind of where they were . You know where they grew up , or where you know someplace that they're familiar with . A lot of people tend to go back to , you know other cities that they are familiar with , whether it be hometown or whatever .
I agree with you .
So you know I'm like that . I mean you are asking this person potentially to give up a trajectory that they're already on for something that is temporary for you .
And while I understand yes it's important especially you're still early in the marriage right , you are asking this person you know to do something that honestly , at the end of the day , is probably not going to benefit not just that person , but it's probably not going to benefit RD either .
Right , but the relationship grows Right . So you remember back in the day , because this is a very interesting part that I would like to chime in at . So me and Renee lived apart for our residency . She would come visit me four times a year . She was in New York or in New Jersey .
I noticed I would come visit him . He didn't say he come visit me .
Sure , so that is the case .
That is the case .
OK , you have it on wax OK .
OK , thank you .
And we , okay , thank you , and we can talk about why in a second . But she would come down four times to come see me , right , and um , where was I going with this ?
I'd come by four times to see you temporary see we be having brain farts on the show .
Oh man I forgot where I was going with this the bloopers bloopers , the bloopers I think , okay , where I was going with this is , um damn , I don't know where I was going . You guys have to take over .
I forgot well , so you ?
were talking about how you yeah , yeah how you um you ?
you essentially only visited each other four times a year . However , from that point to now , how did you guys make it work ?
yeah , yeah , yeah
¶ Navigating Long-Distance Marriage Resentment
. So then in resi sorry so once we finished residency where we were seeing each other four times a year , I then did fellowship , she did fellowship and then a year , maybe two years , after that , we got engaged , right . But during that time when we got engaged , we still were not living together , correct ? Right , we were dating seriously and so forth .
But there was a very , there was a decision that Renee made , which was she wasn't going to take a full-time position , she was going to take a part-time position while we were married as an OB , and she did that specifically so that we can spend more time together , right . And at first I didn't get that . I was like , look , man , make that full time money .
We got loans , we got to do all this stuff . And she said she was like look like , if you , if I do full time , I'm going to be busier than you as a trauma surgeon which she was right , and you know that really going into a marriage where we're going to spend the rest of our lives together .
But prior to that , we really didn't spend time living with each other , never even really lived together . That time together really helped kind of forge the relationship to where it is right now .
So it's like I'm very interested when you're first , when you're very early into a marriage and then all of a sudden you have distance , that comes in right like how what that bodes for the relationship five years down the road , ten years down the road , because it seems almost like you're skipping out on that , but I think they skipped , I think I think they did
skip .
I feel like resentment is starting to settle in Right , right Resentment is starting to set in Right , because already you can see kind of the last part of the of the question you know is essentially talking about resentment , like of the question you know is essentially talking about resentment , like you know . I don't think it's fair .
You know they change in their minds and X , y and Z .
Right , blindsided Right , that's that literally is a word that people use when they're , when they have resentment . And so you know , here , here's , if I were RD , here's what I would do . Here we go , okay , knowing that the five year rule already got X'd .
Right , that got Nick .
Yeah , that that's . That's not an option anymore . I would actually reverse five year it , right ? So what I mean by that is take the time to date your spouse while you guys are long distance . Date your spouse while you guys are long distance . Take the time to talk with each other . Get to know each other over the phone .
I know the physical distance is going to be something that's difficult , but if at all possible to .
They got WhatsApp virtual stuff .
I cannot , I'm so done . Your personal OnlyFans .
Just make sure it's encrypted on the end , guys .
But I would take time to get to know your spouse , because here's the other thing , some other things that RD said . I have the feeling that my spouse is happiest when . Why do you only have that feeling ? You , at this point , you're married to that person , right ? So it's kind of like a question of I think they're happiest when X , y and Z .
It's like it tells me that you and your spouse probably don't know each other quite enough to have this understanding that I'm gonna follow you wherever you go , that one person's going to follow that person wherever they go .
You know , and I'll say this , that for me now , in this relationship you know , having been with my husband for you know , over 20 years married only 11 , but been together for over 20 years there is not an opportunity that comes up that there would not be a job opportunity that would come up , that I would not consider how it would impact him , even before I
talked to him . Right , I would have to think about that first , because I have children , I have my husband . I got to think about how we move as a unit and while something might make me happy as a single person , the question is , would that same thing make me happy as a married person ?
And I don't think that necessarily the things that would make us happy when we're single are the same things that would make us happy when we're single are the same things that would make us happy when we're married . There's some overlap , for sure , but I I think that there are there . I think there are some lines drawn somewhere , so so this .
But this is why I say you're more qualified to answer this thing , because I I I'm not very mature . I wasn't very mature during my time as a resident . Actually , I was very mature , you were , but I think I was very but the but I think I was very but the way how you answer that question . I like the way how you answer that question .
You and Kiara , like you guys , have a very mature look on things and stuff .
And what was your ?
I don't know what you , what would be your immature way of answering the ?
question Hell , no , leave him , leave her .
Uh-uh , I mean , there's pardon , right , so I .
Say what you gotta say me . You seen that thinking .
No , I think that I would just say Yo , you're gonna have to compromise , right , you're just gonna have to make a compromise . That's what I would say . But that's the problem is with compromise .
That's where resentment starts to settle in , and it sounds like it's already settling in on both ends , because if the spouse decides hey , I'm gonna go home . Rd will start feeling that resentment because it's like damn , you couldn't decide this before we got married . And then I do think the talk has to .
The talk needs to occur up front , though now it needs to happen it's not just like let's make it work , like , okay , we'll figure out the weekends , like there has to be another layer and then maybe even another layer below that . Like , ok , let's talk . Why don't you want to follow me where I'm at ? Like that type of talk .
But also the expectations . The expectations when you guys are separated , like what's that going to look like ? Are you going to expect me to call you every day at eight o'clock Because I might not be able to do that Right ?
right , right , exactly Because residency remember they're going into a new realm , med school and residency , like in med school , you have , you have some time that is your own . Ok , especially the first two years . The first two years of med school , like your time , is pretty much your own Right . You go to class .
Once you're done with class , you do whatever you want . Once you're done with class , you can do whatever you want .
Once you hit the next two years , the following two years , then your time starts to kind of not become your own because you're told that you need to be this place , that place you might take you know , you might take 24 hour call as a student , you know those kinds of things . Residency , your time is barely your own .
Like , you can count maybe one day a week where your time is your own and , depending on the residency program , you may not even have that Okay , if they break in ACGME regulations .
So yes , I agree , any program shut down right now .
Yeah , well , you know . So I agree with you . Like you need to have that discussion about what the expectation is going to be . You're going to call me . Potentially you can call me at 11 o'clock at night , 12 midnight , I may not be able to answer the phone because I'm in surgery or I'm coding a patient or I'm doing something .
I'm not just sleeping like you are and trying to wake you up .
So that's another thing too , because it's time difference , time zones If you're in two different states , you have to be able to talk about what that's going to look like as well . So it might be six o'clock for you in Hawaii and I'm , you know , six hours ahead and I'm , you know , six hours ahead .
Yeah , exactly , exactly . So . The other thing , the last thing I will say about this is you might need some couples therapy as well , because If they're in two different states , how are they going to make this work ?
Well , no , you could do online .
Yeah , you could do online . You know , you get couples therapy . Save them gigabytes . Yo Save that gigabytes . If you're married , if you feel , if you both feel that your marriage is worth saving , you know it might be worth it to get therapy .
The other thing I'm going to I said that was the last thing , but I lied but the other thing that I'm going to say about this is that you know , marriage a lot of people think , oh , I'm married , it's going to be .
Oh , I'm married , it's gonna be so wonderful and it's like listen , just like anything else murder in my mind , like 1700 times in the past 10 years . I'm committing murder right now and he's still alive .
I can't kill this guy , um , but the one thing I will say is that you know , for the marriages , hold on , hold on , hold on hold on , hold on for the men out there .
I hope y'all know like the grace that I'm given and letting these two women , like , do their thing and stuff uninterrupted , letting y'all have your little girl cast going on here , whatever , you just saying that because you don't want to be canceled .
You know what I'm saying . Okay , you don't want to be canceled .
You know what I'm saying ?
OK , you just don't want to say that Me Say what you got to say no , y'all say what I already said .
I think that there is compromise that needs to be had , but there has to be a very open and honest conversation . Now you may need to have a mediator at this . You guys can ask me to be there . I could be your mediator . I do that for a little fee , right , right ?
Or you may want to get a therapist , but there needs to be some multiple layers of things that need to be asked , like why don't you want to come where I'm coming ? Like , who acquiesces to who ? When I become an attending , there's going to be even less time of me to be available .
Like there's a lot of things that need to be talked about , but go ahead , y'all , do your girl test . The last last thing I promise that I will say about this is that marriages hit bumps in the road .
Right Marriages hit bumps in the road and when you're on that bump it feels like it's never going to end , like this is never going to end , like I cannot get past this because I can't . I just can't get over this bump .
Those marriages that eventually get over the bump All right , oftentimes right , when you see people who are together , you know 30 , 40 , you know 50 years . Their marriages are not smooth sailing .
There are bumps in the road , but at the end of the day , those marriages that last that long , many of them will tell you that , yeah , like that was a really trying time , but it was worth it in the end Because , at the end of the day , this is the person that I knew , that I wanted to be with and so if I had to go through a hard time with this
person , that yes , it was worth it , you know . And so giving up too easily or giving up at that point that you had the bump in the road would have potentially not been the right thing for them , you know , and so that they're happy because , at the end of the day , they feel like they won .
So this might be the point
¶ Men's Health Podcast
. Do you have anything you want to say to end this over ? I do I do . Go ahead please , Because in order to get to that point , I do .
I do Go ahead please , Because in order to get to that point , they need to have a realistic conversation about what the potential of actually splitting up looks like , so yes , we can make this work ?
What ?
does that look like ? But also don't ignore the fact that maybe splitting up might be the best option for you now , so don't overlook that . I feel like both conversations need to be had to make a decision yeah , absolutely . I do wish RD , though , the best of luck though .
Yes , we do . We do Whatever you guys decide . Rd , why don't you ?
if there's further information that you want to give us so that we can give you some additional information we're actually interested in . I like questions and I like talking to folks that , like you , can continue to have like a ongoing Q&A , question and answer period .
Like Jamar , right , like we know Jamar , who's a pre-med student who's trying to get into med school . Obviously he's pre-med but like we know a bit about him and so when he writes in and when we answer , we always know that there's a little bit of context with that .
So , rd , if you want to submit some additional information by email or by , you know , social media , we'll be happy to kind of revisit this later on . But ladies with the Girlcast my two new co-hosts of the Girlcast so I think we kind of laid this down . What do y'all think ? We dead this horse right .
Yeah , we dead this horse . Yeah , we dead this horse . Yeah , we dead this horse .
RD , we wish you all the luck , but write us and let us know what's going on yes . Guys , before we sign out , is there anything else we need to talk about ?
I thought we were going to talk about other things .
Are we , are we ? What else do I , thought you ?
were going to talk about SNL .
Oh , snl , real quick . Oh yeah , you always know my next step SNL . I have to admit like Saturday Night Live every now and then , like for me .
It hit the mark Every now and then .
Every now and then it hits the mark .
But SNL and it's usually Keenan involved .
Yeah yeah , snl did a skit . That was hella funny .
Men age 20 to 45 . Compared to women , they're less likely to see a doctor and more likely to seek medical advice from social media or podcasts . We knew we had to do better in order to reach these men . That's why we developed MedCast , the doctor's appointment . That feels like a podcast .
What up , what up . Our guest today is Kevin Jones . Oh , I love him . Hey , welcome to the studio , bro .
This is an SNL skit that basically said you know it's really hard for men at the age of 20 to 45 to see their doctors , which we all know super , hella hard . But we do know one thing is that this group be listening to podcasts like a motherfucker and stuff . Right , everybody listens to Joe Rogan . They listen to Docs Outside the Box .
What else do they listen to ? Everybody listens to Docs Outside the Box , right , but the men . So basically , it's like if you could make becoming or going to see your doctor more like a podcast , would more men go ? I think so , which is true .
I think so . Yeah , if you made it right . Okay , so this concept ?
But what this concept is showing is like okay , when they roll into the office , the office is actually a podcast studio , Studio , yeah . And then the doctor is the host and he has the nurse , the scribe , yeah . And he's asking questions . The doctor's asking questions about certain things Like yeah , how many drinks do you have when you go out ?
And you're like , oh yeah , you go out and get drunk . It's kind of dope actually .
So so this if you think about it , they'll be more honest that way too , yes they would yes they would like what's your body count ?
they'd be like what's your body count ? Are you using protection ? Right , like . How many drinks are you using ? Like it's true , though ? Right , because if you watch these podcasts , these do , well , everybody just be sharing All kinds of hell . Well , you got to .
You got to wonder if some of that also is just embellishment for the podcast .
Yes , I agree with you there .
This concept , I think , has been tested already . Right Like truly have has been tested in that you know , in the barbershop model , Right , when they do , blood pressures at the barbershop like these are no , what's your , what's your chips in for , what's your chips in for , Right Like these .
This concept has been tested that if you go into barbershops and you teach men about men's health , right , that men tend to respond , right , they tend to respond .
So we we see a lot of programs you know , talking about blood pressure checks , prostate health , you know , sexual health with men at barbershops , which tends to be I think I think the reason why you're getting me to suck my teeth right now is , I do think , you don't want to be academic about it .
There's a role to play for that . But I just think that I guess , with the current , the past election cycle , I'm just so like I feel like that's like a lazy way of getting to certain communities . It just drives me nuts , right . Like if you want to get to the Black and Hispanic community , then you go to a barbershop , right .
It just like drives me nuts sometimes .
Why .
There's just , there's a certain sense of cynicism that I have there and stuff . Why ? Because I think there's multiple ways , like we're not a monolith right okay and I think that there's multiple ways . If you want to reach certain communities , like you ain't got to go to a damn barbershop to reach . You know what I'm saying . Like what about me ?
you know I'm saying like this that I want to fucking talk about . I don't go to the damn barber , you know what I shave my own hair and shit but I want to know about politics where do you where ?
do you go , don't listen to him , don't listen to him . This is where this is .
He's setting up a joke I'm not setting up a joke , I'm serious . I don't go to the barber . I haven't gone to the barber since 2009 where do bald men ? Where do bald men go in the black and hispanic community .
Where do black ?
bald men go I can't with you knee , I just I this oh , so you never think about that ? Oh my god , I married my father , my father's the same way . He would start just talking about stuff . You think he's serious , and then you're like what , like where ?
What ? Where does the DEI ball-headed surgeon go ? You hear about this stuff right now . Guys , don't get me started . Yo , that's another episode we got to talk about . Should another episode we got to talk about ? Should we even address that in a different episode ? Okay , have you guys heard this ?
No , has expanded to medicine now , where people are saying , like yo , what do you mean ? It has expanded , but it always was there . But now I'm talking about social media , wise , now , right , people are going after , like folks in medicine and saying , oh , the only reason you're there is because of dei .
But yeah , but can you cut your own liver out ?
that's what I'm saying anyway . Anyway , this sort of saturday night live skit was pretty interesting . It talks about where to meet people at and , in essence , where to meet people in a funny way , and stuff . So yeah , um , you know , for women is that what the salon ?
oh , I think women would definitely have a um you know , a good outcome or a good response but women in general see the doctors all the time . Yes , that's the other thing I was going to say . Women tend to see the doctor more . Number one and number two .
Women actually tend to talk about these things , even in the absence of a program that brings a health care worker into the salon . Right , we , we just generally talk about that . Right , like , you can go into the salon , they'll be talking about skincare , their fibroids , their periods , their everything , their pregnancies .
But women are more open to talk about these things , even if we're not in a salon . We could be at the grocery store just having this casual conversation .
Exactly I was walking to school to go pick up one of my or my kids and one of my kids' friends . I met up with her mother at the corner as we were walking and you know she starts talking to me about oh well , you know , this is what's happening with me and I just wanted to run it by you to ask you a question .
I've had several mothers of my kids' friends , you know , come and ask me about what's , you know what's what , or whatever .
So I mean , we're , we just tend to be more open about that stuff , which is probably why you don't see , like the model of salons you know , as often as you'll see barber shops , I think it's really interesting how a lot of the content that saturday night live is putting out there and let's be honest , like saturday night live is very traditional , very , um ,
like grandfather-esque , and how they do their their , how they do their show and the topics that they talk about . It's really interesting like a lot of the biggest , some of the biggest and funniest uh skits that they've had recently have been based off of , like social media , um , yeah like social media .
Things have gone viral , right remember when keenan did the whole , they did the TikTok . Which one ? There was one where they did TikTok where , like Kenan is talking about being like Keith Lee , he was acting like he was Keith .
Lee oh , yeah , yeah , yeah yeah , yeah , right .
And then obviously the one before that was . They did a parody on Shannon interviewing .
Yes .
Kat , was it Cat ?
Williams yeah , yeah , we see you Saturday Night .
Live . I see you guys are trying . We see you , Kenan .
We see you , kenan , we see you guys are trying , it's good . Who knew you was all that ? Let's see what I did there , oh .
Oh , oh , oh , matt , oh Matt .
So you just showed your privilege right there . She just showed her privilege . She had , she had cable . I didn't actually have cable . I didn't have cable , I didn't get a chance . I actually never watched all that believe it or not .
How do you know the theme song ? Because my , my nieces and nephews watched all that all that , all that is actually not my they live with you .
Yes , and that house had cable but that was all the way .
That's after 9-11 .
Okay , I never had cable . Okay , anyway , not until I went to college .
Yeah , All that was um was not my age group .
Anyway , hey , yo shout out to Saturday Night Live . That was a funny skit . Yes , so Kiara , dr Renee , thank you very much for this show . This was a really good episode podcast .
You guys should do your own podcast really no , we should do our own podcast and call it docs outside the box . What do you think , kiara ?
no , I think we can make it work for contractual reasons , you guys can't do that I ain't got no contract , guys .
We love when we love when everybody writes to us everyone . Thank you so much r for writing us . This question Hit us up on social media .
Yeah , how do we get her Hit us up on social ?
media , or there's also an area in the show notes , if you click on it , where you can send us fan mail , where we get actually your text or your email that comes directly to us . Listen , we're everywhere . So if you want to reach us , just let us know what's going on . So once again , Kiara . Dr Renee , thank you again for coming on the show .
Rd , thanks for writing in . We're going to catch you guys on the next episode of Docs Outside the Box , y'all .
Pieces Bye .
Peace .