¶ Relationship Red Flags, Remembering Dr. Dixon
We had a lot of red flags in our relationship , though Not major red flags , but everybody has blind spots . Depends on how you look at it .
And what might be a red flag for one person may not necessarily be a red flag for another person , depending on their viewpoint on that thing , if they were talking to you and they were saying well , how do you deal with someone like him , who's super ?
fucking Tell me about a chow . Ooh , go ahead , pre-chow , pre-chow yeah .
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Protect your income , secure your future . Check out SEPFALifeInsurancecom . All right , what's good everyone . Welcome to another episode of Docs Outside the Box . I am your host , Dr Ney . Join by . Dr Ney how y'all feeling Doing good .
I'm okay actually . Yeah , I'm good .
I'm good on this end but I hate to do it , but we have to do it . What we gotta do it . So I found out last week . Last week Friday , so by the time this recording comes out this will be several weeks , but January 1st we found out that one of our guests , dr Jamal Dixon , actually Jamal Dixon MD , he was episode 245 .
He passed away on December 1st , yeah , which shocked the heck out of me . Dr Italo , who went to college no , actually went to medical school with him . He let me know what's going on . Don't know the specifics Not saying that I deserve the specifics or need to know the specifics but he passed away .
But if you go back to that episode , man , my man was very perseverance advocate . The man could fight , yeah , and in essence was fighting stomach cancer , beat it and did this while doing residency at Morehouse .
He did his medical school training at Mahary and then went to Morehouse , went to Grady and did his internal medicine career and then he was diagnosed during that time .
And from that point you know , oftentimes I think , when you're faced that early , that young , with something that obviously can take your life , just like that , sometimes you gotta figure out what you gotta do . Are you going to do excuse me to give back ? Right and I think for him .
He decided that he was going to train and teach other patients how to advocate for themselves . I'm not gonna get too much into the specifics of the episode , but you all need to go back and listen to episode 245 . It was a master class on how to advocate for yourself as a patient . Now , obviously he was a medical doctor already .
He had the medical knowledge , so it's it's very easy for him to navigate that . But he went ahead and started the caregiver sanctuary where he's teaching other people how to navigate for themselves , whether they're a patient or a family . But yeah , this one hit me hard . He's only 37 years old folks . Yeah , that one was really difficult . So rest in power .
Dr Dixon , your message , definitely your message , your energy is definitely . It impacted me , affected me and when I heard it , it definitely put me in a way . So any thoughts on that , if you have any thoughts .
No , just when you called me , I was at work and you told me that you had some bad news and that Jamal Dixon had passed away , and I immediately remembered where I was listening to his episode and how amazing I thought his episode was .
Just talking about his pre-med journey , talking about the journey through cancer and then again giving back and starting the caregiver sanctuary and just thinking , wow , that's a lot for someone to go through in a very short time in their lives and I was really just saddened , obviously , by his passing , but also I was very happy that he was able to live what at
least looked like a full and meaningful life . Right , yeah , he lived .
It sounds like he lived a couple of lifetimes . During that time he was only 37 in the midst of residency and not many people get to say that at that age .
But taken way too early , way too early , way too early . So yeah so , rest , rest , rest , rest now , yeah , rest in power .
Rest in peace , however you guys want to look at it . And also thoughts and prayers with the Meharry family , the Morehouse family , as well as and especially his family , especially his family directly . Mm-hmm , yeah so listen , let's do a real quick moment of silence and then we'll go from there . Alright , folks , let's go ahead and take a real quick break .
When we come back we're going to be talking about our anniversary , the lessons we've learned during those 10 years , as well as some red flags in relationships . Be right back , alright , y'all . This is Dr Nate . I've been doing low-comtenance trauma surgery for well over 10 years and I haven't looked back since .
This combination of lifestyle and income that I could ask for Now for you , your needs , your wants , that's going to be different than mine . Maybe you want more control over when you work , or even how much you work . Or , look , you're just trying to make more money to pay off those damn student loans . Now the other thing is pay attention .
The average low-coms doc gets paid at least 33% more than your average employed doc . You got your attention now , so look , I get it . Sometimes the hardest part is where do I start ? You start your research at locomstorycom . Once again , that's locomstorycom . It's an unbiased educational resource about low-comtenance .
There you're going to find stories about the different reasons why doctors choose locums and how it works for them . Locomstorycom has tools that let you explore locums , pay demand for your specialty and even compare different low-comtenance agencies . So , look , stop sitting on the fence or just thinking about it , start doing , do your own research at locomstorycom .
Once again , that's locomstorycom . It's easy . All right , we are back . All right , y'all , let's get into this . So actually this episode is really about our anniversary .
What has changed during these last 10 years of our marriage relationship , whichever way you want to describe it and , even more importantly , how being in a relationship has kind of changed the trajectory of our careers , our lives individually , our children's lives , us as business owners , and then also , at the same time , what you can glean from this .
And then also we're going to talk a little bit about some red flags . So prepare to be gaslit . I'm just letting y'all know , Trigger warning Prrkk Prepare to be gaslit Prrkk , prrkk . Some of this is in comedy , but a lot of this is in truth . But you know , the best type of comedy is set in truth , right ? Or set in jest , right .
So let's jump into the show . So Thanksgiving was not only a great celebration in a Darko household , but it was also me and Renee's 10-year anniversary .
Right .
Yes , it was . So . I know that you , specifically on your 10-year anniversary , did not want to be hosting Thanksgiving , but you did it because you know it's important for our family , his family Right His family . You would rather be doing something you know anniversary and so forth like .
You're giving yourself a lot of credit , yeah .
Well , I'm just saying 10 years is a big year , right , 10 years is a big milestone , and that's one of those . You know you go to a different country or you , you know you do something real nice you rededicate your vows or you know . Whatever it is you know , or you bust out a divorce on someone 10 years I'm out mother-in-law .
That's not a celebration .
Well , it could be a celebration , it could be for some people , some people listen and trust me , right , but for us , you know , I think one of the things that I wanted to talk about with this episode is like there's a lot has happened over the last 10 years .
A lot , if you asked me prior to getting married to you and even before we , like , really got serious . If my life would look like this marriage wise , I would say hell , no .
Right , I'm just going to preface it by saying that y'all , I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing . Well , it's a lot .
You paused , you paused . It's not that it's a bad thing . It's not a bad thing at all . What I'm saying is is , I said is is .
So folks me has been saying is is for like two months . Yeah , and I don't know how to get in this . I'm stuck in this matrix loop . Well , I'm going to break it .
The thing is is Alfred ?
Every time I say is is just make sure you note that on the episode right , so that I could go back and see how painful that is , even though I didn't say that , even though I go back and I listen to these episodes again , listening to your mistakes over and over again , because you're rather painful and can make sure that you don't mess it up .
Let's get back to that episode .
Okay , you ready , okay ,
¶ Marriage and Career Balancing
you focus .
Yes , If you had asked me before we got married what kind of relationship I would want , I would want or I knew that if I was going to get married to you , to a dark household , kind of just working I'm working hard , you're working hard , having kids . I never thought about what it would be like to be married to another doctor having kids .
Who , specifically , is going to take care of the kids ? Logistics Like . I never thought about the logistics of that . Yeah , logistics Nanny was kind of like maybe I don't know how this is going to work , maybe my parents , I don't know . These are the thoughts that I had before . I just never really thought about . I never thought about marriage in that .
I never thought about it that granular . If you asked me about my career , I can tell you I'm like , yeah , I want to practice for this many years . I want to do this with my career . I want to work here . These are the type of operations I want to do . This is the goals that I wanted to reach .
But marriage is just like yeah , of course I want to be married . Who doesn't want to be married ? Right ?
Yeah .
And I want to be married to somebody who is professional and they going to work Right , because I want to make money Right . Like I never thought about that . I never thought that . Now you contrast it with how my life is now . It's just different . It's much better , but it's different . It better be , better it is . You see what I'm saying .
I think the best way to describe it is my thoughts on marriage . Before was very black and white Right , like there really wasn't much color to it , whereas now my life has color to it . There's nuance Right , much like your head scarf .
Wrap Okay .
I'm staying corrected .
So question would you say that marriage was more of a ? More of a checkbox Like ? It's just something that you know that you were going to do , but you didn't really think about how it was going to be executed Absolutely .
Yeah , because I looked at marriage like that . I told you right Like I was guys , if you don't know , like my mom drilled into me not to let any relationship affect my educational ascent , so to speak , no relationship , and that's kind of how I moved Right Like we were in a relationship .
But it was really clear and I think that wasn't the right way to do things , but it was very clear that my career came first . Education came first . I mean I don't think there's anything wrong with that , especially you weren't married and everything came second to that , Like I would .
In my mind , I just was not willing to fully commit , be married and get engaged . Until I got that degree that says fellowship on it , that was not happening Because I just I think her fear and what she drilled into me is that once you start being married with someone , you have to take sacrifices .
So she understood the execution .
You did Exactly .
And she had only told you about the execution .
Maybe you could have made a plan , well , but she didn't give me the specifics , and maybe that's the reason why I was so focused , right , because I was , like you know , cold-hearted . I'm an assassin about this , okay , right .
But I think there are things that you have to consider when you're dating or marrying or being in a long-term relationship with another professional , particularly someone who's in a high earning professional Some constraints , the stress of the job you know , the you come home , the money you're going to make .
The money you're going to make . That could be a stressor .
You guys may be on different ends of the spectrum . With money , that's a big deal and I just want people to really understand that as much as you focus a lot on your careers and you see a certain way in which your career is going to go , that relationship can either be a hindrance or it can really augment .
It can really make that career , your choices , your life afterwards so much better .
The person I mean the person that you tie yourself to potentially could be the person who either lifts you up or ruins you .
Is your demise , is the reason why you're working in your seventies , the person could lift you up , or you .
They can literally ruin you right Like . So yeah , you have to be very careful about who you hit your , which horse , which horse you hit your wagon to .
So we had a lot of red flags in our relationship , though Not major red flags , but I think we had red flags in our relationship . But I think most relationships have some form of red flags in their relationship . Like things that you just don't see right . Everybody has blind spots , right ? Some people will say these are red flags .
Other people say well , that's a blind spot in a relationship . Depends on how you look at it .
Okay , and what might be a red flag for one person may not necessarily be a red flag for another person , depending on their viewpoint on that thing , I think people from the outside looking in if they were talking to you and they were saying , well , how do you deal with someone like him , who's super focused .
Tell me about a child .
Oh , go ahead .
I was just talking about the last two years of our marriage . Is this something you want to say ?
Yes , you were not talking about the last two years Go ahead .
But I do think that someone looking at our relationship can say yo , there's a red flag right there , Like he's super hyper focused on his career . Are you sure that he's willing to commit ? Are you sure that he's showing the signs of possibly being a good husband ?
Right .
I'll be really honest with you because me , like I said , I think for me , like I'm so used to doing everything by myself , every success , failure yeah , you really were . That was on my own Right .
I don't need you to help me with that .
I was very self-sufficient and very much like relationship is there . What I do is here . Don't cross here very much . So remember there were times where you would give me advice on how to study or just other things . I'm like , stay over there , Like you can make your . You can make your little recommendations on what movies we go to or what DVD we gonna book .
You know what DVD bootleg we gonna watch , or we know watch a lot of DVD . You know what we gonna do , but like all this here , like all this like you . Good , you stay over there , but like you feel like that , but . I mean , but we all have our nuances right , you have red flags now .
I do think that , but I do think that the issue is , is , is is .
The issue between us initially was , I think that , metaphorically , you kind of held up a mirror to me , so to speak , and I got to see certain like your personality , with certain challenges or certain questions that you may ask or certain things that you may do , is almost like a mirror to me and it forced me to see certain blind spots that I may . That .
I may have it forced me to kind of bend in certain ways that I wasn't used to bending , because I'm so used to doing things a certain way .
And .
I think initially it was like like this , like tectonic plates , like beef . We had a lot of beef . You know what I'm saying ? Beef , lots of beef , you know like too hard headed people .
Ox tails up in here Two rams , two rams , right .
So that's I think that's one thing . That's really interesting was that initial resistance to kind of thinking about things from a different perspective .
But I do have to admit , once we got married , like a lot of the things that have changed , particularly in my life , in my vision , that I think is extremely positive , is because I've incorporated more of the ideas that you brought on . But it's true , right , like the reason why we got out of debt in three years as opposed to 15 years was because of you .
Yes .
You're the one who came up with the notion of yo we could do three to five years Right Cause at first we were going to do 15 years , 15 , yeah , and . I was like okay , we're stuck , like everybody who knows me knows that I when I make a plan , that is it .
Don't come to me with nothing else . That's your entire family . Hey , we're systematically .
That's your entire family . That's why we successful . That's why we successful . This is the plan .
Then you go oh look , I found a better plan . You're like nope , I want the bad plan , I don't want a good plan . Well , it's not a bad plan .
But anyway . So she came up with the idea to go to three years . At first I was a little resistant , but then it made sense . I was like , let's go ahead and do it . Some of the other things , what's the other things ? What's some of the other ideas that I pushed back on initially ? Or .
What was the other thing you pushed back on ? Oh , part-time , oh yeah part-time .
You work in part-time Initially for me was a big deal . I was like what are you talking about ? We didn't have a whole fight about that , but I was like man , you could work , Go work and make that full-time money . And you were like , nah , we haven't really been living together in a long time .
Yeah , we had a . So we had a long-distance relationship on and off , long-distance relationship at that for seven years at one point , because we were together in Kansas City for about three years , about three and a half years , and then we went to residency , fellowship , whatever . So that added on a few more years . Then we reunited in Atlanta for one year .
Then I moved out to Idaho , you went to Miami .
Right , it was off and on , off and on , so it was off and on for like seven years , right ?
No , but the reason that I went Then it's been a half year Like we can't no , but the reason that I'm going through that is so that people understand like this wasn't a continuous relationship , yeah Right . Like this wasn't a continuous relationship , oh , you guys just living together . You dated for 10 years and then you guys decided to get married .
That's not how this happened ?
The story of Renee getting me from my paper when we went to dinner and making sure I'd buy the most expensive wine . That was when we were off , actually , who ?
got you for your paper Nia no paper .
Yeah , but you wanted me to pay for that expensive-ass wine .
Babe , it was like one glass of wine .
That was like $25 , $30 ?
Get out of here . It was not no $25 , $35 , babe .
No , it wasn't .
Get out of here who are you always exaggerating , especially for the podcast ? Always exaggerating .
¶ Marriage Lessons and Unconditional Love
Anyway , the point of this is listen over the past 10 years . What have you learned ?
Well , I think I've learned that marriage is truly a partnership and that having competing moments , like having moments A queen of cliche over here , what Anyway ? Having competing moments or moments where we're competing against each other are completely and utterly unhealthy .
Like unhealthy and unhelpful If you're competing with your partner . That's a- .
Yeah , it's bad . And so I think over the last 10 years I kind of look at you more like you said I show you a mirror , but I look at you as kind of almost like a reflection of me . Right , a reflection of me , the things that I do or say to you are things that I should not do and say to myself . If they are negative , right .
So I should only do and say positive things to you , right .
Okay .
So I kind of look at it like that . There was one time .
So I'll tell you this there's one time I went home , and I went home to New York and my brother and I was in that table and we started arguing about something and my you know , my brother you're always coming in here , you're talking about that or whatever , and then he goes that's it , I'm not talking to you anymore , don't talk to me anymore .
And I was like and if you know my brother , the one thing you know about my brother is he absolutely loves his family . You can have one drop of all-me-blood in you All of a sudden . He's all up in your grill , he wants you to come over to the house , he wants to whatever .
So when he was like , oh , you don't have to talk to me anymore , don't talk to me ever again . I just looked at him and started laughing . We're both angry at each other . But I looked at him , I was like , are you crazy ? I was like you , the same mother and father as me . You think I'm not going to talk to you .
You think you're not going to talk to me ? Like that's just not going to happen . I'm sorry . And so that exchange between me and my brother really started making me think about when I get into conflicts with you , why do I feel very comfortable putting the kibosh on the negative feelings and upset on the argument and just being like you didn't go nowhere ?
You're my brother , right To my brother , no to my brother . But what does that mean ? Can I reproduce that sentiment with my husband ? But listen , I'm pissed off at you right now , but I ain't going nowhere . And you ain't going nowhere , like , just stop playing . Like you know , we , we are family , you know , and that's just the way that it is .
And so , just in the same way that I have to have that unconditional I just bought a car .
I just bought a car , cast today $50,000 cash .
Anyway , just in the way that I have to have that unconditional you know relationship with my brother , you know , I think there was an epiphany for me that was like I have to have this unconditional relationship if I'm going to , or at least approach to this relationship , If my relationship , you think there's , is there such thing as an unconditional love when you're
in a relationship with someone not family wise , family wise is always an unconditional relationship , because I disagree with that .
I think it's not always , but I know .
I disagree with that , but I think it's not always .
I think that when you are blood related to someone family , kids it's a lot easier to have that unconditional love . Can you have an unconditional love with someone who you are not related to ?
But that's the but , that's the point , right , that's the point of me telling this story is that I had to . I had to recognize that I know , because I deliberately involved myself in this union with you , that I could also deliberately separate myself from this union with you . That's not the case with my brother , like I didn't have a choice , he's my brother .
Like there's nothing I could do . But that doesn't necessarily mean that I can't approach my relationship with you in such a way that I say , okay , now that I have put myself into this marriage , that as long as it's safe and healthy , right , as long as it's safe and healthy , that there's .
There should be no reason for me to be , like you know , on a whim , like , oh , that's it , I'm just going to end this marriage .
That's because you signed a prenup . That's why .
Nobody signed no prenup .
What did you have ? You got another 10 years to go .
You had a Jetta that just anyway , you had a Jetta with the shocks of a tricycle 1999 , Volkswagen . Jetta and a mirror was hanging off what Power windows ? Anyway , talk about the red flags please .
Six CD changer , that's a red flag Six CD changer .
If he got a car with the shocks of a tricycle you might want to run .
Yo , that German engineering Come on .
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¶ Red Flags in Relationships
Well , anyway , let's move on . Let's talk about some red flags y'all , because we talk about our relationship enough , but obviously our relationship really . I'll be really honest with you .
I think the big flex with our relationship or at least with the career is is that we don't compete and we are creating this non-traditional lifestyle , and it truly involves what you want to accomplish and how I can help you in accomplishing that , and then the same thing right what I can accomplish and how you're going to help in that .
We're always thinking about how we can help each other and make it work .
Is it ?
perfect Hell . No , it ain't perfect .
Damn .
But it works right . It works for us and I wouldn't trade it for the world . But listen , if you hear this red flag or these red flags you may want to put , you know there's going to be some people pissed off at us . So you know what this will be . Dr , First Girl , let's just jump right into it . These are some red flags in your relationship .
If you listen to this podcast right now and you hear these red flags and you need to question , so let's jump right into it .
Wait , wait , wait . Let's get the trick of warning . Some of y'all just going , y'all going to be mad at us Like , uh-uh , that didn't happen with me Because my man and this and the other , and 25 years later we still together .
But listen , we speaking from the truth . Right Like this is come on , right Like this is the truth . Here's one red flag , if you don't so , for example , for people who want to create kids together . Want to create kids together , Like you're OK with creating kids with someone , but you don't want to merge your finances .
So you don't want to have a joint account with your spouse , but you want to have kids with them .
I'm waving a red flag .
I think that's a red flag . Yeah , now , when that occurs , because it's really both of them want to not merge their finances , usually it's one person who's like ah , you know , my previous experience is here , you know , I'm a custom that is so a custom that at , or this is how mom raised me , or my dad raised me .
I want to have , I need a separate bank account , or I need to have all of my finances separate , or my loans are my loans , your loans are your loans , but we want to have kids Like that , to me , is a big red flag . I don't care what everybody says .
Come from the other streets .
And you know I'm telling the truth . If you're listening right now and you like this , that's a big red flag before you get into a relationship .
Well , yeah , I mean , it's one thing not to combine your finances , but it's like you going to put in half on preschool .
Like how does that work ?
It's one thing not to want to combine your finances , but definitely want to combine your DNA Like death . That is really something that I don't understand , and I know a lot of people going to come for us . I'm like , ah , forget it , they're not going to come for it .
They know they're speaking the truth .
Well , no , because there are people who don't agree with that , but for me I'm like listen , hey guys , and this is not like a religious talk whatsoever , because we don't even just so y'all know like this is .
you know some people are like oh well , they know , the book says you take a rib off of whoever . And then this I'm like hey , listen , we talking common sense stuff here , right so ?
yeah , I definitely think that you are ridiculous . I definitely think that if you can't trust the person that you're with to basically take care of the finances in a very responsible way , that's probably not a person that you want to marry . It's probably not a person that you want to marry Now .
You might want to date that person long term , but that's not a person you want to marry , Wait .
so you're looking at it from the woman's perspective or , excuse me , you're looking at it from the spouse's perspective , or the person's perspective who doesn't want to merge their finances with ?
someone .
But what if that person was raised , the person who doesn't want to merge ? Or what if they were raised to not want to Do ? You see what I'm ?
saying Right , but that's usually . But usually , why so ?
what I'm saying is basically there's nothing that the other partner can do .
Correct .
There's nothing that the other partner can do to convince that person to say , hey , we should put our money together , correct . So who's a red flag ?
No , no , no , no . It's not who's the red flag , it's what's the red flag . The situation is a red flag , right Okay ? I'll give you an outlet to that that you have one person who's like absolutely not , don't want to put our stuff together , the other person might also not want to put their stuff together .
I think that situation is personally , I think it's a red flag .
Okay , so that's a red flag for a relationship . So what I'm talking about ? Let's say , for example , you were entering into a relationship with me . Like me , I love you , I want to marry you , I'll take your last name , we'll have kids , but the one thing we can do is we can't have like joint accounts or anything like that .
And I'm like , but you know , and you look at all my finances , everything is great , everything is on the key on . Everything is great . A hundred grand right .
And usually that's not what's happening that they're sharing looking at finances , but whatever . But let's say it was right . Okay , based off of my habits .
You see that there's nothing that would make you be like I may not want to put my finances together with him , because you don't see any of that .
Right .
So is it a red flag for our relationship or a red flag for you ?
It's a red flag for the relationship , because I'm part of the relationship and now you have a decision to make . Right , you have a decision to make as to whether or not this is the type of relationship that you do so you're saying the burden is on me .
No , the burden is on both people , because if you say to me well , no , I want to combine , right , then it's like okay , well , we have a . We have a fundamental dilemma in this relationship that we don't see money in the exact same way , or we don't have the same , we don't have the same trustworthiness of each other around finances .
Right , I don't want to put my money together with you , because what if you try something and it's like are you going into a marriage ? Like , well , what if ? What if ? Because if you're already going in as , what if ?
it's probably not a relationship that you want to go into . Someone's going to put a lot of asa spades right now and be like well , what about ? You know ? Domestic abuse and all that stuff , absolutely . How do you predict that part ?
And it's like you predict that part , because if you got domestic abuse , typically it's happening well before you get married . Correct , correct , right , like typically it's happening well before you get married . Well , people , can change though I mean you can have no you know , listen , people can change .
Basically you're saying there's crumbs of red flags before you get married Exactly .
Right , somebody who is going to abuse you , right ? Even if they haven't hit you yet , which usually signs of domestic abuse . Isn't I'm going to hit you first . It's usually something to the effect of degrading you , verbally abusing you . Yeah , the verbal abuse usually comes first , right ? So that's the red flag in that relationship .
So that question isn't well , do I want to put my finances together with this person ? It's , do I want to be with this person ? Because this person is dangerous . So before we even think about putting finances together , you got to think about whether or not you're even going to be safe with this person .
Okay . So I do think that okay . So basically I think we kind of dead at that conversation already . Right , like you know , if you don't want to merge your finances with someone , that's a red flag , basically .
I just think that it's very curious that people are very , very protective of their money more so than they are protective of the fact that they are willing to reproduce with someone because there are so many people . So , for example- .
Actually , I would think more people are more what I think people are more are just as protective of their finances as they are of like their animals , even more so than their kids .
Probably .
It's like one thing you can't have .
you can't have my dog , you can't have my money and my car Car is number three , but we can have kids together we're going to get lit up we can have kids together . No , but like , I really find that very curious because I'm just like , but the signs were there and I know , listen , I'm an OBGYN , so I know things happen . I know that right .
Like , you have an encounter , that's not what the encounter was for necessarily . You may have even used protection . The protection failed , I get that . I'm not talking about that .
I'm talking about specifically and deliberately having children with people , but yet being more protective of that person not being a part of your financial life , even though they're part of your family now because you made children with them .
That's red flag . Red flag number two is you take him out on his birthday or you take him out for his birthday and he won't let you pay for anything , even on his birthday , even on his birthday . And people may be asking like me why is that a red flag ? That's a red flag because you got a controlling , you know what you know .
If he can't even just relax enough to let you pay on his birthday , then the question is is why does he want to pay ? It is . Did I say that ? Then the question is then the question is why is he so controlling with his money ? Why does he or she have to pay for everything all the time ? How will that translate into other aspects of life ?
Is this person always have to be the person who's in charge of the major purchases in the family ? Does this person have to be in charge of ? I'll just leave it at that . Does the person have to be in charge of everything ? Basically , is he going to be going through scouring your statements that yo , why you spend money on X , y and Z ?
Why'd you spend money at you know Golden Crust ? Why'd you get them beef patties ? Because , he wanted a beef patty man , why are you getting them
¶ Red Flags in Romantic Relationships
beef patties ? Yo Don't you know , but I think that that's a red flag that a lot of people don't pay attention to . Yeah , but it's real subtle , it's very subtle , that's what . I'm going to say but it's like mmm dude can't even take a day off on his birthday .
Yeah , let's let you pay so you know what's really funny is that by itself , like you saying that by itself , people are going to be like what you mean ? That's so stupid . But here's what happens .
What happens is , after you get out of a relationship with that mug because he was so controlling , one of the first things you're going to say is man , even on his birthday he wouldn't let me do X , y and Z .
You're going to notice it then I think people would but see here's the thing , though I think the way how people would miss it is that people who are dating that person would be like oh , that's like . This person is a take charge type person . He's very assertive . He's very assertive chivalrous .
You know , he just , I just know that he's going to take care of me .
Yes .
And it's like yo , it's 2023 .
Like we not trying to take care of like we not trying to take care of people in 2023 .
You need to be able to pay for your own stuff , but like , for example , if you're entering into a relationship with someone man that look at me .
I cannot go in the cheesecake factory . There's nothing . I will do so , respectfully . I'm just dropping off at home . I don't know who you're getting at . Yes , you do . Yeah , you want to call in ? I want you to walk your ass home .
That is another episode of them . Cheesecake factory women First of all why ? Are you filming this Right ?
Like you're , you're disapproving . Well , there's a question of whether or not it was fake , but there's another one . Right Is there .
There's another one that's out there , oh no , in the . In the second one , the girl who's I'm like you got the nerve to be asking why we going to the cheese safe cheese game . I'm like that's an upgrade for you lady . The way how she looks Me , yo , I'm just game , recognized game . Yo , thank God .
Yo , she looked like she knew to go to Goldman Crust , goldman .
Crust or McDonald's . What's wrong with Goldman Crust ?
Anyway , but the point , the point is is this the point is this , Is this , is this the point is this Is that ? That is a really subtle sign I think of , like well , this person's going to take care of the situation for me , right , Like you , you give up control . This person is always going to take care of everything .
I can make plans and they're just going to Automatically .
So it's like well what you want .
You want a daddy or you want a husband . You know what I'm saying ? Well , that's one thing that I always Well , well , you know , I mean , even when I was dating , like you say , I stood , I stayed away from girls who had the daddy complex , like that is just weird , yeah .
So it's . It's really funny because I was watching something where the guy was there . This young lady was in a relationship with a man and I guess the relationship didn't work out , and part of what she articulated was that she wanted someone who was going to take care of her , and she literally said someone who was like a father figure to her .
That's what she was looking for in a relation , in a romantic relationship with someone .
And I ? That just sounds off to me , man . Well , to me it sounds off , yeah .
That's her reality , but it sounds off to me .
We're judging , but it's the truth .
And I just found it , I just found it actually amazing that she actually articulated that I think a lot of women who you know , who think in that way , who , oh no , I need somebody who's going to take care of me he got to take care of me Don't actually articulate that they are looking for a father figure , right , because Well , then , and also within it's
also vice versa , then , right , what For men who want a woman who doesn't have to work , doesn't have to do anything but just be at home ?
Right , you know , I'm talking about specifically , not like things change because you have kids , right ?
Right , right , right . No , not that I'm talking about . Yeah , I'm talking about , like , the relationship between the two people You're dating someone who has a job , who's working , who's very happy in their career .
And there are guys who are like , yeah , if I marry a woman , she's not going to have to work .
Right and I have to take care of her .
Why don't she ? Why don't she have to work ?
Right , I don't have to take . I want to take care of her . I want to take care of her , I want to take care of her , kind of thing . That's that to me and we've talked about this before offline . But that to me is a father-daughter relationship .
That's a man who's looking for a daughter and a , you know , a woman who is looking for a father , and for me I'm just kind of like that's a really weird dynamic for me in a relationship , for me anyway .
I mean for other people it may work for y'all , but my problem with that relationship is that if you're her father and I have a father , so I know your father tells you what to do and what you can't do , and that's the way that relationship goes .
You can do this , you cannot do that , and so if he's that controlling , he's going to tell you what you can and cannot do . He's going to tell you where you can and cannot go . He's going to tell you who you can and cannot be friends with .
You think guys look for a mommy in a relationship ?
Yes , I do think that guys look for a mommy in a relationship as well , absolutely , that's another red flag .
That's weird .
Yes , I do think that there are some men who do look for a mother in a relationship . Absolutely .
Once again , guys if you're hearing this , don't be mad . Just look internally . Just sit back and enjoy it . Look internally and decide which are going to be in there , just sit back and laugh . The third red flag . The third red flag is he asks you to marry him and you don't know anything or much about his family . That's a big red flag .
That's a red flag right there . I don't know your people .
Because you know there's a lot of people who go away from medical school and you know when you go away from medical school you're going to be in another state , maybe several states away . You develop relationships with people . You may even start to live with someone and you realize this person rarely goes home or if they go home , they're not taking you .
They're not taking you . And then you're like I love this person , this person is great With you , you want to engage with this person and you possibly may want to marry this person after several years or however long it does now in 2023 .
Right Six months .
But the thing that I always have a question of is like how do you know what you're actually marrying Like ? When you marry someone , you're not just marrying that person . You're marrying into that family , you're taking on that genetics , all of these different things on a deeper scale is more than just than I do .
Are you prepared for all the consequences when you haven't even seen how this person interacts with their family ? Now , obviously there's like extenuating circumstances , right , but I'm talking about , in general , a person who has a brother Right .
We're not talking about somebody who lives halfway across the world , or maybe even someone who may get to someone who you know , I don't know , someone who may have a difficult upbringing and just don't have a relationship with their family , right , like well , you know , that's what I'm talking about , right .
That's like an extenuating circumstance , but I'm talking about like a regular relationship , has brothers , has sisters , has a mom and a dad Like he is school in New Jersey , but his family live in New York , right , and you ain't ever met them . That's weird , right , that's weird .
Or he doesn't talk about them , right , right , like an Aaron Rodgers type of situation , right ?
You don't know about them .
But we can get into that later on . But basically that's what I'm talking about . Like you just never see them interact with their family , they don't talk much about their family and you going to spend the rest of your life with this person .
Yeah , that's a red flag . Gotta be careful about that . That's a red flag .
¶ Family Interactions and Red Flags
So for you and me , we actually knew each other's families pretty early on .
I didn't think of and when we were dating , I really didn't think of much about this for obvious reasons , but like you as a , you brought this up and I was like huh , that actually makes sense .
Yeah , so yeah , you and I , you and I got to know our families actually very early on . I think the first encounter for us was when my brother dropped me off at school . Yeah , and that's the first time we met in person actually . So , you , the first person you met in my family was my brother .
Yes , yes .
And then the second person you met . Was my mother ? Yes , because she came like the next day or two days later and then we met . I met your mother ? Yes , because she came like maybe a month later for your birthday , and then we just kept interacting with each other's families , and this is early on . Yeah , we weren't even dating at this time In Mexico .
This is , like the first , everything that you're saying in terms of who we met .
Yeah .
On my side or her side . This is like the first month , or two months or so .
Yeah , a medical school , and so .
But you got to see how I interacted with my mom .
Right .
You got to see how I love my mom , how I love my , my sisters , my dad , all of those different things .
I even lived with your family At one point .
Yeah , and then I got to see how you interact with your family also . And you start to see , okay , like this is a . She comes from good stock , right , and it has nothing to do with how they work , how much money they make or anything like that . It's like you see them and how they interact with each other . Is it a loving type of environment ?
Right , they encourage each other , you know , is it a ? Is it toxic ? Is it toxic right ? Right , like that I did not see .
Yeah , yep , same here , same here , you know , and I just felt like especially having it wasn't perfect , but it was just Right , is a normal family . Right , it's a normal family . It's like , yeah , families can have , you know , descent and things like that , but how you know , is it toxic ? That's the question .
And so I didn't see any of that in your family , you didn't see any of that in my family , and I think that that's really important . When you're bringing two families together , you know , or when you're , when two people are coming together , you're bringing two families together , it's not just the two people .
So I think if , yeah , if you don't know this person's family , you know , or you met one person and that's it .
What if you met everybody ? But it's very toxic . But your man or your woman , she's not . They're not toxic . What are your thoughts on that ?
You got a decision to make . You have a decision to make because the question of toxic Because can one person overcome their toxic family ?
Yes , there's always there's .
There's an outlier , right , right , and you know I forget what they call it . In there's a Maryland must monster . Everybody got Maryland monster in their family .
I can't remember .
Maryland monster was the only normal looking monster in the monsters . Yeah .
Black and white shows I watched . Leave it to beaver .
Leave it to beaver . That's the only black and white show you watched yeah . No but but um , yeah . So , yes , can that person be the outlier ? Absolutely that person can . But that's not the only question , because you're not just marrying that person , you're marrying the family .
So , while your husband or your wife , who might come from a toxic relationship , is themselves not toxic , the question is , what interactions are you going to have with the family ? Because you're going to have inter , you're going to have to go for dinner , you might have children , and that's going to cause something , right ?
Children especially , I think , bring out toxicity in people because people feel like they want to impose their own family values and you know things like that , their own principles . Oh , you should do this with the child . No , don't do that . We don't do that , you know kind of thing . And it's like that could be a blind spot .
Right , I don't know if it's a red flag , more like a blind spot . Well , I don't know . Anyway , it will leave it as a blind spot or we'll leave it as a red flag as a red flag . Actually , that's a red flag . Yeah Well , how about this ? We've got some honorable mentions . How about this show ?
Red flag . Honorable mention . This is honorable mention .
Give us some music in the background . These are red flags that you know . You could kind of be like oh man , these aren't that bad , but they , they red flags . When she introduces you to everyone and she tells everyone what your profession is , oh , this is my husband .
Dr Needs Arco .
All right , friend , friend dresser , friend dresser over here .
Oh bomb , you can't park there , it's illegal . Friend , I'm a doctor , I can park anywhere .
Give it up Nothing .
Annie .
If he marries you because you're pregnant , only because you're pregnant Only because , Not just while you're pregnant only because I feel like that should have been in the top three red flags . But you convinced me , otherwise I convinced you otherwise Get out of here , yeah . This is something that I think should have been in the top three also .
But if that's the case , then do the whole episode over knee .
When you're playing .
There's a red flag when somebody tell you that it should have been in the top three , but they ain't put it in there .
When you are planning the wedding this is from a guy's perspective when you're planning the wedding with your future wife and you want kids , and your wife says you know , I want a wedding that doesn't have kids , like at the wedding , like we've been there right , like or we've seen that occur , like I just don't want kids around , I don't want them , like ,
running all over the place . So I kind of want an adult only type of wedding . If you hear that while you're planning a wedding or you know , you just casually talking , and they say that they want that in their future run , that's a big red flag . That's a big red flag . It's a big red flag . What do you think ?
Because you , you brought that up a while ago and I just remembered that and I was like hmm , prepping for this , for this episode . We should put this on a list .
Yeah . So yes , I do think that that is a red flag , specifically for someone who wants to be a fan , like a dad , a family man kind of dad , right , like , I think that is a red flag . The reason I say that is because if having kids at the wedding is so much of an inconvenience , I'm like you ain't seen inconvenient yet .
Yeah , you ain't seen inconvenient yet . So if you can't take the inconvenience of children at your wedding , then you probably it's not for you .
You ain't cut out for this . It's not for you , jack Run . Last but not least , talking about kids how to raise kids . Right , the differences in raising kids .
So here's an example You're talking with your significant other , the person who you're dating , and they say that they believe that when y'all have kids , that the 16 year old can get like a Mercedes Benz .
Wait , what as a ?
car Right Hell , no , like we're going to be two professionals , high , you know , high , early professionals . Why can't the 16 year old get a Mercedes Right ?
Yeah , bmx bike .
Yeah .
That's cool .
Or whatever you know really new genre that's out there Like it doesn't .
You're from Philly .
All of a sudden , we don't even live in .
South .
Jersey . I'm mixing , Daniel . You know what's the John for I'm mixing .
I go through that .
I've never heard you say that I take I-95 .
Ever I've driven to Philly , I went to Lehigh . There was a lot of people from Philly when I went there , okay .
Yeah , I've literally never in 20 years heard you say John Like then , next you're going to be like , yeah , that bull , what's bull ? Where's that from Bull ? That's Philly , is it ? Yeah , bull , how ?
do you know ?
that I watched . What's her name ? Brunson ? What's her name ? They're strong , crazy . Who the girl ? Oh my God , anyway , the show , the show . What's up there with the show , if you ?
can't agree on how to raise your kids or how kids would be raised .
Yes .
Specifically like little subtle things , like more specifically like should a kid get a new car when they turn 16 ? Yeah , that's a red flag .
Yeah .
Red flag , red flag , red flag . Those are the honorable mentions , guys . Those are the honorable mentions of the red flags that you need to worry about . Because listen , ultimately , what this is about is making sure that you keep your wealth right .
Because divorce although divorce rates are lower in the doctor field as compared to other healthcare professionals , and definitely lower in comparison to the general population . Like having a divorce and marrying the wrong partner , that can set you back Big time , big time .
It has such a huge impact , especially if you can get them loans paid off .
Oh my God , you got mad loans and you got a big divorce settlement .
Dang . We already got the divorce right , sheesh . But I think not being on the same page whatever that page is , whatever that page is with your partner , your spouse , can really impact just your ability to function at your highest capacity .
Yes , that stress yeah .
Right .
If you're constantly stressed , if you're constantly fighting , if you feel like you're stifled , if you're going in a direction that you really don't wanna go , if you are raising your children in an environment that you're like I don't necessarily agree with this environment that my child is being raised in or you are all of a sudden you're just doing things that you
just really don't wanna do . You don't feel comfortable . That can really weigh a lot on you .
That affects how you work , that affects the shifts that you take , that affects how you take your patients that affects a lot of different things .
Do you wanna even come home ?
Do you wanna come home ? It affects a lot of different things .
It affects your capacity to live . It affects your health .
Some people maybe listening and wondering like why y'all talking about this ? But these are the soft skills that I think people don't talk about . Yep , you're not gonna learn this from medical school but you may learn these stories from your attendings , if you have attendings who are unhappy and are I'm on my third marriage , or worse , I'm on my third divorce .
There it is .
I've seen people on their fourth divorce .
You know somebody right now who's on their fourth divorce .
So it happens where people like these type of things occur , and all we're just saying is that sometimes , if you look back , you can see that there's like there are red flags there are crumbs that say this probably was doomed from the get go .
You just gotta be careful about those things and the things that are very blatant , like you just definitely gotta have your . You gotta be really paying attention to these things . And a lot of these things come up in just simple conversation and when you end up talking to a friend about it , sometimes they may say yo , you think that's a problem .
Right , when you're telling a friend , like you don't think that's a problem .
I've had I Right , like that's happened , oh my . God , I've had that conversation .
Like your girl was planning a wedding and she don't want kids . How ?
I recently had not that specific conversation , but I did have the conversation with a friend recently about two of the relationships that she had had over the last couple of years . And you know it's tough to identify . You know red flags for your friends when you see it , because it's a red flag for me . I don't know if it's a red flag for you , you know .
But I told her I was like , do you remember when we had this conversation , about the conversation that you were having with this gentleman ? And she's like , yeah , and I'm like remember how I said to you that I was asking if you were sure that this was something that was sustainable for you , are you sure ?
Are you sure ?
And you said yes .
And that was the thing that ended up basically pulling them apart .
So you , had your Molly , you in danger , molly .
You in danger , girl .
But you didn't want to say it just like that , right .
No , because I didn't know , because she was saying that it was something that was sustainable for her , even though I thought it was a red flag and I was bringing her attention to it . But she normalized it and was like no , like I think that that's completely normal .
But then that specific situation is the thing that actually caused them to have strife and I was like , yeah , because this is abnormal , this is not normal .
¶ School and Podcast Discussion
But Abbot Elementary , that's the school . I mean , that's the show .
Our show was great , but how did you do that ? It is , yeah , the band watch all these different shows .
It's what's the name ? It's set in Philadelphia and they say bull in . Philadelphia , yeah .
All right , y'all . Let us know what you think . Write us in the . Send us a text . Let us know what you think about this episode as well as Last us . Email us at team at drnedarkocom .
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outside the box .
We just docs outside the box , at docs , outside the box , y'all . We're gonna catch you guys on another episode . Guys , this was a fun one . Remember , this was a little bit of some gaslighting , a little bit of some trigger warning , but listen , a lot of this stuff was actually truthful to you . We'll catch you guys on the next one , guys , peace .