¶ Life Regrets and Advice Reflection
All right , y'all , it's your boy . Nii , I am back . We're here to finish up this episode , this conversation that we started from the previous episode . So you don't know what we're talking about . Go back and listen to the previous episode to get the full context of what we're talking about .
But according to the algorithms , y'all , y'all like it short and y'all like it sweet . So , listen , we're trying something new , we're trying shorter episodes , so make sure you let us know if you like this format or not . All right , alfred , run the tape . Yo , we are live and after dark we want to talk about some stuff .
We're going to talk about some of the ish on our uh feed I was married to my ex-wife , claire , for four years until I found out she had been cheating on me with an ex-boyfriend . Before all of this , I had promised to pay for cindy's medical school cost .
Once I found out that out that Cindy was complicit in hiding Claire's infidelity , I felt betrayed and decided to revoke my offer . So am I the wrong person ?
What say you , Dr Ne ? She was a part of the whole scheme and the secrets and lies . No , not paying nothing .
The only thing I would like to know is yo , Cindy , what school you go to , Because we need to have you on the show Cindy , not in school .
That's why .
I want to know who Cindy is .
You need to be beholden . What's the second one ? Because we got to keep it moving . We got to keep it moving .
Okay , okay , okay , okay . What's the second ? Oh , this thing . So if you could live your life again .
If I were to choose to live my life over again .
There we go were to choose to live my life over again .
I wouldn't live it in this way . Do you know ? Winnie the Pooh ? Yeah , okay , not personally . No , no , the book , the end of that book , brings tears to my eyes . For years , christopher Robin , I used to go to school and he's telling his friends , the toy animals , that he won't be able to play with them so much anymore .
And what I wasn't aware of when I went to medical school and when I was a physician is how driven I was to justify my existence in the world . I wish I hadn't worked so hard . When you're driven to work too hard , you actually ignore what matters .
And what matters is what you were telling me last night about how every summer , you take a bunch of weeks away from your podcast and you just spend time enjoying your kids and your wife and your family . I didn't do that . I always felt I had to keep working .
And the book ends with the statement and whatever they do , wherever they go in the enchanted forest , the little boy and his bear will always be playing together . And that phase would bring tears to my eyes . For years , people sacrifice their playfulness , their joyfulness , being driven by unconscious needs to validate your existence . And where does that come from ?
Again , that comes from childhood trauma . Play is so important and joy is so important In that sense we can always keep playing in the enchanted forest , and that's just essential , I think I think we get the point .
What do you think about that one ?
um , I think so it go . It boils down to you know what I always say , which is like when you're giving advice to people , I think you know , when you're 10 years out or you're 20 years , I was like trying to talk to a medical student . Remember that post we did .
You're trying to giving advice to people , I think you know , when you're 10 years out or you're 20 years out , it's like trying to talk to a medical student . Remember that post we did . You're trying to give advice to a med student . You're like yo don't stress so much about you know the match .
And it's like the resident is going to be like , or the medical student is going to be like listen man , like you've been through this already , so of course it's not a big deal to you , but for me , like this is my like big issue right now , of course it's going to be a big deal to me and stuff .
Right .
So I think that yeah , I mean obviously he has 50 year or 30 or 40 years of experience to go back and look back and say , yeah , I made like the biggest mistake and that is not connecting with my kids and all those different things . I think that's that goes without saying and I think he's right . But it's really tough .
It's really tough right Because you are , in essence , telling people who have delayed so much and then they get to a point where they need to start working hard , making money and all those different things . It's like yo , slow down , really focus on what's really important .
When you're trying to pay off student loan debt , you're trying to kind of set your family up and yourself up in the future . It's really a tough thing and basically what it boils down to is listen , like when do you want to hear this information ? Right ? Do you want to hear this information while you are in school ?
Do you want to hear this information right when the money's right in front of you , or do you want to hear this information like halfway through the process ? I think those are the important questions that I oftentimes think about is like what are people most receptive to hearing this information ?
Right Cause , if you tell a medical student this thing , whatever move on . That's how I think about it .
I mean maybe , maybe . I mean I've , I've always been a person to you know who kind of um listens to people who are several steps ahead of me , so that I'm almost committing their mistakes vicariously , right .
So if I hear someone say , like man , I spent so much time just chasing my career , chasing my career , trying to justify my existence in the world based on this one aspect of who I am , then I'm more the person who's going to be like , ooh , you sound like you have a lot of regret . Yeah , and honestly , I probably would have appreciated that .
Even as a pre-med , I think I would have appreciated that . I do agree with you that there are people who are like , ah , what are you ? Just an old man who's just whatever . But for me , that's where I would have appreciated that
¶ Overworking and Success Addiction in Medicine
. I think he makes such a great point about the fact that people work so hard to justify their existence . They dedicate themselves so much to this one thing that they just can't see themselves as anything else .
Building outside of this thing called medicine , you know , being a husband , being a father , being a grandfather , being , you know whatever else , you know having some other skill . They compartmentalize that so much , and not just compartmentalize it , but they trivialize it , as if it's not as important as this thing that I'm doing as a doctor .
Like , I think it's a , it's an addiction .
I think that's what it is . It's addiction where right , right , career addiction . You're addicted to success and it's never enough , yeah , right , like you look at some basketball players or even professional sports players , you know they're playing 20 years in and it's just like well . So what's the ? What's the end goal here ? What's the issue ?
well , so what's the ?
what's the end goal here ? What's the issue ? Right Like cause . It's like well , why won't you retire Like you have enough ? I think . Right Like , you've made millions upon millions . You're in the hundreds of millions of dollars . No-transcript your own personal life . Right , right . So that's the thing .
A lot of times I'm wondering like , would a patient be cool with , like , a doctor being kind of halfway in , halfway out ?
Yeah , so , or is it halfway in , halfway out ? Dr Love says yes , addiction to success is a thing , it absolutely is a thing . But so love , like , if you're balanced if you're .
I think the more important question is if you're balancing right . If you're more balanced , are you halfway in , halfway out ?
So I would say no . So Dr Love probably remembers this , but we met an older gentleman who also is an OBGYN . We met him when he was , when we were in New Orleans . He was not at the SMA conference . He didn't know anything about the SMA conference . He was not at all involved in SMA . I don't even think he knew what SMA was .
But he looked like us and he was an OBGYN and he said the only thing that's wrong with our profession he's like I'm just going to say this outright . He said there's too many women in our profession . Yes , he said there's too many women .
So I looked at him , cause I knew there was more ignorance about to come out of his mouth and I was like , really , why is that ?
And he's about . He's about 30 years , your senior .
Yeah , maybe um not 30 . I'd say probably about 20 , 25 . Yeah , 20 , 25 years , my , my senior . And so I say , really , why is that ? He goes ? Because it takes two of you to do what one of me can do . And I said to love , cause love was like yo , what was that about ? And I said to love , I'm like sound like he doing too much .
If it takes one of him to do what two of me can do , dude , you doing too much . And I don't think that that's halfway in , halfway out .
I think that there is such thing as doing too much and then actually devaluing what it is that you're doing , that you're not giving the right amount of care , the right amount of attention to things , and patients not only complain about it , but we also know , especially in maternal health Black maternal health in particular that this could be very detrimental , very ,
very dangerous and have grave consequences . So , yeah , maybe you're doing a little bit too much . I mean , this is what it is .
So you just turned from podcast to Claire Huxtable .
This is not , and if you don't get it together and drop these macho attitudes , you are never going to have anybody bringing you anything , anywhere , any place anytime ever , this is not a podcast , it's a live stream .
Let the record show and stuff Ain't nobody talk about , and also and also let the record show that women physicians have better outcomes .
Oh , for the record show that women physicians have better outcomes .
Oh , for the record , everybody , all of my doctors , are so he's doing too much . All of my and not doing it right enough . We can't hear you if you're talking over . Okay Yo , so for the record , all my doctors are women and I must say I'm extremely happy Like they do an adult job . But yeah , when he made that comment Exactly love . What did he say ?
He said he lucky . We was chilling , because let me tell you we wasn't chilling that day . And if he wasn't a CI , he lucky . I respect my elders . I just kept my mouth shut . I was like he , an old , bitter man about to retire .
He sent him on his way .
He sent him on his way he out to pasture . You know what I'm saying ? You shoot him in the leg and let him bleed out slowly .
Well , I think , bringing it back to what we was talking about , which is do you have a ? What do you call it ? Do you have any regret or anything like that , I think that the key question is part of it is we kind of medicine attracts these type of people , right ? So , like that's just the way , how it is Right .
Like type A individuals who you know , they strived really well , they did well in high school , more than likely , they did really well in med school or in college .
They did really well in medical school and they strove to be the best you know and , as a result , like these things occur Right , and because of how somebody did it before you , you're going to take on that personality , except for Jen .
The millennials Right , they do things differently , right , but because they do things because of who , how they were taught by the previous generation , that's how they're going to move forward and do things . So I think part of it is that's how we recruit , right ?
No matter who it is right In medicine , right ?
These are the personalities that we even I'm the same way . Like I had to slow down and be like yo , like if I don't pick things , if I don't change course , I'm going to end up either divorced or my kids are going to hate my guts .
So I got to figure this out and figure out a way that I can be there for my patients , be the best surgeon that I can be , but also , at the same time , be Dr Dad , be , you know , the best husband I can be , which I am , no matter what I'm saying .
I mean , somebody got to give you kudos . You know I'm the best . No , but seriously at what point do you stop resume building is my question . At what point do you stop resume building ? Right , we had this conversation . Me and you had this conversation , maybe about what , nine , 10 years ago ? Right ?
And the conversation came about because you were thinking about doing something extra or whatever . And I asked you I'm like at what point do you stop resume building ? Like , the resume is built . Like , how much more do you need to do in order to prove to people that you are worthy ?
Like for me , I stopped resume building and I literally made a hard stop after I did my fellowship . I was like I am no longer resume building , I'm stopping here .
This is it , but I think the times now are way better . Now , Like people are really considering . They're not considering Like if you stay in academic medicine , then yeah , in essence you are resumé .
Of course , you're always resumé .
You have to resumé , build , or you know you will perish . What did I say ? Publish or perish . So that's kind of how it works there .
But I think once you go into you know community type medicine , or into you know something outside of academic medicine which I think a lot more people are going into , you start to realize that , hey , like I'm competing against myself , yeah , right , and I think now you're starting to see much more . What's the issue now ?
No Love said . Keep grinding , keep going back to his job , be at work . I'm looking at Instagram .
Oh , man In the ER . But I do think that the whole resume building thing , that's something that people have to be really cognizant of . So who is that ?
Aaron Brinkhouse .
Hi from California . What up , what up , what up , what up .
It's Aaron right , yes , aaron . Darren who is it Aaron Brinkhouse ? I think it's Aaron .
I don't have my glasses on .
Tell me if it's .
Aaron , but anyway , we have to actually end this very soon , really .
You didn't want to do one more . No , no no . You're done .
We got to end this , guys , listen , you see this right here . I am the Intercontinental Heavyweight Champion . This is part of me doing balance show . I am on the future app If anybody's using future appco , it is dope . So I got to work out , and I work out six days a week , including tonight , so I'm gonna get my workout on .
You want to do the challenger ?
Oh mine is dope .
No .
Is that the control ?
No , no , okay , we're going to have to work on that . We're really going to have to work on that . That's what that is . Oh my God . Oh , it's Isabel . No , don't go , I just joined .
Yo , we'll catch you . Listen , isabel , we will be back . Just make sure you subscribe to our channel . We'll be back , but I got to get my swole on . Come on now . I got to get my swole on that's part of my balance . I should just stay on and talk bad about him . That's part of my balance
¶ Social Media Promotion and Confusion
. All right is making sure that I exercise , so y'all can catch me and follow me , or follow us on Instagram , Follow us on YouTube and you can also see us on . Can they see us on T-Side ? Yeah , we got to do a better job . Somebody Darko's on . Who's that ?
Darko , obie Darko , are you family Ooh .
I don't know anybody named Obie Darko . Did I promise to pay your ?
education . All right , y'all , she's not going to get it .
She didn't see the first part .
She didn't see the first part . All right , we got to go y'all . Bye , guys , Wait bye .