Step 9 The Follow-up To Healing Yourself

to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a podcast it's for

entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional Early on in my recovery work with clients, I remember the time when I first helped somebody walk through that process of step nine, the making amends. And they understood the words, the idea of making amends, but it never occurred to them that they actually are going to have to go out and do it.

They were really confused about how exactly does that work, especially if it's somebody that you really didn't want to talk to again because you were so embarrassed about what you'd done.

And they were going to have to see those people and confront the stuff that they had done it was so bad and then they were paralyzed with fear and they didn't want to do it and they told me that and I believed them because I could see it in their face the horror and the shock and that's when the bargaining and the denial started happening about really the importance of this couldn't they just say I'm sorry just to themselves and that was good enough I told them no and that's really where the

hard work started for them In that last podcast episode, I talked about step nine and I talked about how the difficulty for understanding why you need to do a step nine. But the people that you pick many times are the people that you've heard probably the most and you really don't want to have to confront that. And that's understandable. But the reality is you're not doing step nine for them. I mean, you are, but you're really not. You're doing it for you.

And the reason you need to do step nine is because you need to be able to forgive yourself for what you've done. And that's the really, really the tough part. Because if you are looking at somebody sitting across from you or you're sending them a letter because you can't get to them any other way, or maybe you, you know, you did it through social media, like not social media, but you did electronically through like a zoom call or maybe just a good old fashioned telephone call.

When you're right there in front of that person and you're saying what you're needing to say to them, you're looking in a mirror. And the reaction that you get is the one that really leaves an impression on you. But having gone through that myself, I can tell you that it's so incredibly empowering to be able to say to somebody, Hey, I'm really sorry about this and I really hope you accept my apology. It's so difficult. to do. But it's so empowering when you do it.

It makes you feel good about you and yourself in a way that before you do it, you don't realize. And there's a process that every single person that I've ever worked with wants to do. They either want to get the hardest ones over with first, because they think that that's going to be the most difficult and the most helpful to get through. But I would argue that you probably should go with the easy ones first.

And then those who come up with the idea that I'm going to do the easy ones first, they are really hesitant and not wanting to do the hard ones. So they're thinking that maybe if they are having a really difficult time with the first ones, or if that was real super easy, they can just kind of get a pass on doing the hard ones. And there's all kinds of strange bargaining things that go on that people go through. They try to say, well, you know, I couldn't find the person.

And that one's really difficult to... If you got their first and last name and you know something about them, it's really not that hard to find them. Sometimes it is. I'm not going to lie. But it's generally not very hard. And then there's the, hey, I'm not sure that this is going to do any good. There's all kinds of different denial techniques that people have to go through this.

But part of it is the learned response they have where they probably were... not treated well in the past either as an adult or as a child and so they don't really have a good frame of reference of positive experiences of dealing with negative things being confronted with negative things and so they're apprehensive about doing it because of their history of that and that's understandable if you were treated badly and you learned that you didn't react well or others didn't react well to that

behavior, you're probably going to be a little hesitant to engage in it yourself. So breaking the chain, breaking that chain of behavior within yourself is really challenging. Not impossible, but challenging. But it's the, as I said in the previous podcast, the fearless part. I wish that word fearless was part of the ninth step because I think... Being fearless when you're doing this is really what's needed to get through it.

So, fearlessly trying to confront people that you've done something wrong. Really, really wrong. And you want to make amends. It's the cleansing part of the process. Many of my clients that I work with in the first year of their recovery, they're not there yet. They're not really ready to do it. They don't know that they're addiction is at a place or their recovery is at a place where they feel comfortable being confronting about their own bad stuff.

And honestly, some of them probably do get to the point where it would be inadvisable for them to do it because it might actually cause them to feel bad and want to have to cope by using their drug of choice. And that certainly happens. I've had an occasion over the years to work with many people on their recovery, hundreds. And what I have discovered is when they have to make amends, they do become paralyzed with fear.

And it's interesting how fear can drive your behavior and shape your behavior. In one instance, the person that I knew, had a really hard time with the concept of making amends and got very angry about it. Like they didn't deserve to be put in a position where they had to make amends to people because they had been treated so badly themselves by those same people that making amends for their own behavior seemed ridiculous. It was hurtful.

And there was a lot of angry words said in our sessions as we worked on that. And it was interesting as I exhibited to them a high level of empathy and understanding of their anger about the behavior that they had experienced aimed at them by these other people. It seemed to soften it a bit. It was interesting. The level of anger seemed to diminish over time.

And there were many times when it seemed like there was no way that they were going to be able to forgive themselves, and then to extend forgiveness to a person who had been pretty bad to them. So there is the question of unless to do so would cause harm to others.

And as I said previously in the other podcasts about forgiveness and step nine, it can be a bit of a challenge when you don't feel like it's harmful to you to have that conversation or confront somebody who has been pretty nasty and evil and horrible to you. So the causing harm to others would make things worse, right? So it would make it worse for you.

But before you make that decision as an addict, you have to decide whether or not your voice and your opinion about the situation is actually valid and real and sincere because sometimes it's not. And if it's not, then you got to change what you're thinking about it because it's going to cause you harm. And that doesn't help anything.

So then when you're making amends, you have to make amends to yourself, to them, but maybe you do it from a distance and you just ask for forgiveness in a way that you're leaning, and if it was me, on my faith that I can be forgiven for what I've done. Because there are some people that will run into situations where they don't even know the person's name or their ability to contact them or identify them is not there. And so if that is the case, then it's better that you keep yourself safe.

But before you decide that, you really do need to talk to somebody else to figure out if what you're saying makes sense. So the forgiveness part, it's interesting how it causes anger to come up it bubbles up because you get angry about the fact that you did it, but you also get angry about the fact that they did something and maybe they contributed to it. So it's really a tough one.

There was a story that I had of one person who had had just an unbelievable amount of pain and anger within them because of the situation that they were in at the time when they were physically attacked in a way that was should have killed them the person had tried to kill them and was unsuccessful and so then after that they became an addict to cope with this horrific violent experience and so in their addiction they had done a lot of abuse and created a lot of havoc around them But the acting

out in that way, in that addiction, was caused by this horrific crime. So when it came time for that person who was an addict, when they were working on their sobriety, to do Step 9, it was very challenging and difficult for that individual to confront relatives and friends, but mainly relatives, who formulated opinions about this failure of willpower viewpoint about addiction for this person.

poor individual who had suffered this horrific violent crime and it seemed like it was really unfair and to try to position it in a way that that person could extend forgiveness to those family members who had been treating them so badly during their addiction but now in their recovery they still had treated them badly because they still had that you're weak and you became an addict and it seemed like there was almost a complete disregard for the level of the violent act they had gone through

that caused the addiction. Or was contributed to by the addiction, but that made it worse. And in the end, he couldn't do it. And that was that. And It unfortunately led to an inner conflict that he was never able to really work through. And it strained relationships with his immediate family, his family that he had created with women and children, with a wife and children. And unfortunately, that does happen.

And I don't know that his addiction really was able to get to the point where he was in solid recovery. But I guess what I'm giving with that story is the understanding that sometimes it is very, very difficult to work through the amends part of this. And so my suggestion is that you not give up. That you talk it through.

And I hope in your recovery that you're working with a really good sponsor who understands the importance of this step the step nine that you often you often have to kind of give over that idea of the arrogance and and uh the pride when you are when you're being humble in your approach especially with somebody who seems to be coming across as arrogant and you also have to be fully prepared for the rejection and that's a hard one too when you do get rejected because it seems like a hollow victory

where you've actually gotten to the point where you can state your reason for needing to do this and at the same time getting rejected in the process. Very, very, very unrewarding, unsatisfying. My first attempt at a Step 9 with somebody that I got rejected was a man who I'd gone to high school with. And me and a friend had gotten very drunk and done something to his car that caused a lot of problems for him. And I reached out to him through Facebook, and it was the only way I could find him.

And I told him about the story and how sorry I was that I'd done that. And his response was, I don't remember that. So I had to go into more detail, and the more detail I went into, the worse I was feeling, as I was explaining over and over and in greater detail about how this had really bothered me all these years. He finally had some recollection of it, and then he said, Oh, well, I guess it really wasn't that big of a deal.

And so I didn't really get an acceptance of the apology, but at the same time, it was very... hollow for me because he didn't remember, but I'd been worrying about this for years and couldn't understand how he didn't get it. It was so unsatisfying. I apologized and then I had to work on forgiving myself for doing it more than he was able to forgive me because it didn't seem to affect him. Unbelievable. Sometimes the regret we feel about the things we do just isn't worth investing in.

And other times the things that we want to just ignore are the worst ever. And that's the problem with doing step nine is you are really having to face the mirror, the other person, the one that you did something wrong to that probably has held on to a grudge or maybe not. Maybe they have forgiven you without you even realizing it because they were upset about something that happened to them and you were the one that caused it and they need to get over their anger and they know that.

It's just a mixed bag. So that's why I'm saying it's so important to be fearless when you look at that step nine. So the structure of it is the following. You've got to tell the person the harm. Focused and to the point with no excuses. Like this is what it is. Second part of that is ask the person if they want to comment or they want to add anything. Because sometimes they do. Because sometimes you've forgotten some of the things. You then have to be quiet and listen.

Then you've got to suggest the amend you'd like to make. Sometimes it's monetary. Sometimes it's emotional. Sometimes it's giving money or something. to make that amends. Sometimes you can't. Sometimes it's just words. Then you got to ask the person if what you're saying is acceptable and if they'd like some kind of different amends. You know, we don't always know what it is that they need.

Maybe what they need is just the kind words and the understanding that, hey, and the acceptance that, hey, I'm admitting that What I did was wrong. What I find is the following words are very, very helpful. I want you to know that I now know how wrong that was. And sometimes, as I've heard in my practice, there are times when there is absolutely nothing you could possibly do that would make up for the thing that you did.

There's nothing you could actually do or give to that person that that would make a difference. And sometimes it is very simple. You just give them the cost of whatever it was that you destroyed or broke or sold or stole. Sometimes it's replacing it. I knew one person who actually found the thing that they had taken and sold and they found one just like it. I don't know if it was the same one.

I doubt it was, but they found it and they gave it to the person and said, here, I want to give this to you. And the instant reaction that they got from the person that they had done something to because the words of, hey, I want you to know how sorry I am that I did this, that actually was what the person was expecting that they were saying it to. So the addict is saying that to the person and the person receiving those words, that's all they thought they were going to get.

And that would have been good enough.

But what they did then was they produced the item that was exactly the same as the one that they had taken that they thought was would not be able to find but they did and they said the look on the face of the person that they gave it to was so healing to them because they realized that person who was they were making amends to the person that they had wronged understood the significance of how important this was to the the addict and in that attempt at recovery that they and they and they said

The person who was being made amends to said to the addict who was making amends, you know, I never thought that you'd even actually be alive long enough to ever have something like this occur. And the person who was making amends, the addict in recovery, was speechless. Like, that was shocking that they realized that they perhaps were somebody that would not live. And it was a very healing moment.

I have very few occasions where somebody says, I don't want to meet with you, I don't want to talk to you. I have very few occurrences of that in my practice. And I get some really, really damaged people in here. So I really look in a very hopeful way when somebody gets to the point where they are at step nine and they've got to go out and make amends. The bigger problem is when somebody has died and you can't make amends to them because they're no longer on this planet. That's a problem.

Or when they have a problem of being able to find the person. And that's difficult too. Probably the most difficult is when the person refuses to talk to them. So you want to make amends to somebody that refuses to talk to you, refuses to see you. And that is then when my client and I then have to work on a ritual of some sort to be able to work through that amends. Either the person's dead, they're not found, or they refuse to see you. It's not that it's not as effective. It is as effective.

Because then what you're doing is you have to fully accept that what you're doing is you are apologizing and now it's fully on you as the addict in recovery to be able to live with the idea that you have been forgiven and that you're going to surrender over to the idea that forgiveness is there. Even if it's not... It's not auditory. There's no thing. There's nothing that's happened that's allowed them to experience forgiveness in word. So it can be a bit of a challenge.

But like in my example, the gag I gave earlier was very dissatisfying because I really was expecting this person to have been really emotionally harmed by my actions only to find out No, he didn't really give it much thought. And that's happened with some of my clients. They go and they seek out people and they go to say to them, hey, this is saying... And one client had a situation where they apologized sincerely and deeply for this thing that they felt had really wronged their relative.

And the relative said, you know, it actually was helpful to me because it changed the way that I was behaving. And I then... really kind of almost appreciated the fact that it had happened. So there's my client thinking that they've damaged this individual severely and irreparably, only to find out that what they had done guided that individual to a better way of thinking or believing about things because of that action.

Consequently, there was another relative they reached out to who said, you know, I forgave you for that a long time ago. And I think sometimes as addicts, what we do to ourselves, we walk around shamed and embarrassed about our decisions. And it's a weight that we bear that we don't need to. And that's my lesson in the step nine process is it's a healing for everybody. It can be.

But the addict who suffers from guilt and shame probably feels it much more than the individuals who they were exposing all this craziness to. And that's because the people who love you and are rooting for you actually want you to just be a better person and be sane, stable, and sober. And they're so relieved when they hear this that it's easy for them to accept your... your amend and making those amends.

And I'm going to caution you, doesn't mean that you reconcile the relationship, but you righted a wrong. You made things better. You were destroying things and acting in that way. And they actually want you to just be a better person. I think it's in our human nature. We just want people to be better people. So forgiveness is something that is easier than you think, but it's probably the single most difficult part of recovery, at least within the 12-step process, I think outside of step four.

Step four, step nine, to me, those seem like the most challenging, difficult of the steps. And so I would encourage you to learn about it, read about it, talk about it, study it, So you can really fully understand it. It's a daunting task and it's very challenging and difficult and seems like it would be impossible to pull off, but it's not.

So if you follow those steps, telling the person the harm, ask the person if they want to comment or add to that harm, and then suggest the amends you'd like to make, and then ask the person if the amends is acceptable. That's a good structure. And I think that follows pretty closely with how it needs to work. But I think those simple words of, I want you to know how much I now know how wrong that was for me to do. And I really do sincerely apologize for that.

I think that selection of words is the one that is the gateway to the other person understanding that you are really actually sincerely apologetic and feel bad about it. And I think it goes a long way towards that recovery. So don't be afraid. Be fearless. And do the thing that you know will help your recovery. And fearlessly go out and make amends, except when to do so would harm others or make things worse. Those are my words of wisdom about Step 9 and the recovery process.

Well, I hope that this episode of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard was helpful to you. I do these episodes because I want to help people get sane, stable, and sober. And if you are on that journey, somewhere in that journey, please get there. Life is way better when you're sane and stable and sober than when you're drunk, high, and crazy. And if you have any suggestions for episodes, you want to talk to me, you can reach out to me through my website, wellspringmindbody.com.

I am Dr. Jacques Debruckert on the path to recovery with you to get you sane, stable, and sober. So until the next episode, it's been fun talking to you. Catch you on the next one.