Step 8: The Step That Requires You To Find Courage

to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a podcast it's for

entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional so there's some interesting stuff that happens in our recovery as we are moving our way through recovery and that is the question of people that we make amends to And it's a challenging thing making amends to somebody if you've done something wrong and what that means for you and your recovery and what it means for them.

And that's the other interesting thing is what it means for them. So I wanted to kind of review for everybody that strange transition phase from crazy addict to... Much healthier person and pulling the plug on your life, really. I mean, step eight is really about preparing to pull a plug on how you were as a person previous to that point in your recovery. So today, on today's episode, it's step eight, making that list of people.

Here we are trying to figure out what in the world am I supposed to do with all this stuff that I've done. We went through, as you're in your recovery, if you're working steps, you know what I'm talking about. You go through step four and five and it's just really tough because you had to do that soul searching, that inner look at all your... cesspool of your garbage.

It's interesting that between step five and eight, when you make that list, in between those steps, six and seven is like, I'm still trying to transition out of being full of these shortcomings. As you're moving through, you don't go from step five to step eight. You don't go from making the declaration that you are this person who is this kind of horrible person and I'm going to, you know, okay, I admit it.

And now you want to just kind of sit there for a little bit and then go right to the people that you did all these things wrong with. And that's a natural thing to do is to like feel, hey, I admitted it. So now I want to just kind of like move on with my life, right? So I'm just going to say I'm sorry and then just kind of move along. And you can't.

That's why it's an interesting thing to have six and seven because you've got to sit and think about it for a while and realize that those things in step four and five that you identified and then you admitted to, that they really are real. And I think even more importantly than at that point, you have to transition to the idea that, hey, not only are they real, but wow, I did a lot of bad things to a lot of people.

And I've heard some stories of things that people have done that just were phenomenally unbelievable. From stealing things to lying. Usually it's around stealing and lying. Right? That's usually the thing. Now, you could be doing things that were violent. You know, just people describing things that were horribly violent to other people. They really were looking for some salvation from that.

Trying to, you know, they're attacking people, beating people, robbing people, causing them just tremendous physical harm.

And other times it's just around the idea that they were just kind of generally bad people and they were doing things that were causing... monetary problems or social problems for other people just showing up and doing I mean everything from showing up at somebody's wedding and getting trashed and making a mockery of it and throwing food and you know turning one person they took the wedding cake and and left with it like they they left the wedding with the bride and groom's wedding cake thought

it was hilarious because they were just drunk and took off with it And unfortunately, it really wasn't that funny. It wasn't funny at all. And the baker got in trouble because they kind of left it unattended. Nobody knew what had happened to it. And it cost a lot of money to make that cake. I don't know if you're familiar with that, but wedding cakes can be rather expensive. And this one was a rather expensive one. And it just was gone.

So, you know, a couple thousand dollars for this cake and it's just gone. Things like that. They can be just petty, ridiculous things. They can be huge. So anyway, I digress. Let me get back to it. Step 8. We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all. This step, I think, is one that really necessitates pulling that sentence apart. Because you have to understand that it can mean different things to different people if you interpret it differently.

So I'm going to help you interpret this the right way. So we made a list of all persons we had harmed. Okay, you made a list. First of all, let's make a list. Let's actually document this. Let's write it down.

And hopefully, if you are... uh... somebody who is actually working the steps with you know in the structured and a a a s a o a any any any uh... close-up programs that you're actually working with a sponsor you can work the steps by yourself you know you really can't you're gonna be brutally honest uh... and you're gonna be a call yourself out on your dishonesty if you're being dishonest like a sponsor can and that's the magic of doing the work with a uh... with uh... with uh... sponsor So

you're working the steps, and so here we are. We're going to make a list. We're going to make a list of all persons we had harmed. All. That means all of them. Every single one of them. Okay, so we got a long list. Because if you're involved in addictive behaviors, you've got a long list of people that you were... are compiling. Because if you got to the point where you're working the steps, it's because your life has gotten really bad. It's like, if you come into my office, I know it's bad.

That's why you're there. So if you're working in recovery, it's bad. You've done a lot of damage. And so you've got a long list of people. It might be five, it might be 10, it might be 20. But it's a list, right? So you make a list of all persons that you harmed. And then there's a comma. And, okay, meaning you can't just make the list. That's only the, procedurally, that's only the first step of the, you know, sub-step, if you will, because it's step eight, right?

So it's a sub-step of the persons that you harm. Okay, so comma, and became willing to make amends to them all. Became. So I'm working on becoming willing. That's a key factor. Becoming willing. So in other words, this is going to take you a while. So making amends for the things that you've done and being willing to do it is challenging. And it doesn't happen quickly. Like I'm willing. Because what if your list is like 10 people and some of them were pretty egregious things that you did.

So making amends, you've really got to convince yourself to do it. You've got to prepare yourself. Mentally. For the. You know. What you're about to do. Because it's frightening. To make. Okay. So. Comma. And. Became willing. To make amends. To. Them. All. Not just the first person on the list. Or one or two. Because they're easy. The low hanging fruit. Yet to become willing. To make amends to them all. Now. I'm going to go into a discussion in a minute. About.

What do you do if you can't reach them and so on and so on? I'll talk to you about that. So you've got to become willing to do it. So willing really is being able to become okay with the fact that you have to go talk to them and you have to do these things. You have to admit. So you have been forgiven for the things that you've done. And now you have to go out and seek further forgiveness from others, and hopefully you can, to the people that you've done things to.

So, that means that you're going to figure out a way to face them. Now, there are people that I have worked with in my practice and in my life that have done some really horrible things. And making amends is probably the last thing that they want to have to confront. However, the healing process is really being able to embrace the idea that you have been forgiven and can be forgiven for the things that you have done.

If you can't embrace the idea that you... are a flawed person and you made mistakes and other people have made mistakes and you're going to have a hard time confronting your own stuff. And it's difficult and challenging to do that. So I'd like to assure you one thing. Unless somebody is a sociopath or they've got some other personality issues, generally people who see others who are Yeah. And it's evidenced by how we, you can see it in the media today.

If somebody's really doing well, after a while we start to get upset about that for some reason and we want to tear them down. But as soon as they get torn down and they're really in a bad place, it's weird. You can see people like turn and transition to like they feel bad because the person has really gotten in a bad place and they want them to get better. And they kind of cheer that on. So it's the redemption story. And in our society here in the United States, at least, we like redemption.

We like to see people get better if they're down. And so when you have been at your worst, understand that it's almost like in human nature for people to really kind of start to feel bad about that. And they really like to see you do well. Now, they may not want to have a relationship with you and they don't want to reconcile. And that's fine. They don't have to. There's nothing that says you have to.

But if they look at the person who's suffering and being a bad person and they're addicted and they're homeless and they've been in jail and they've suffered some physical problems because of their addiction and they see that, and then you see the person, they just stopped using their drugs of choice and they suddenly are a whole person again. You get well-received.

So if you're struggling with addiction and you think, I can't be forgiven, I'm never going to be able to overcome the things that I did to people, you are mistaken. You will. And it will most likely be received in a positive way. Not maybe continuation of the relationship, but it will be received in a positive way. And you'll hear things like, hey, I'm glad you're doing better. I'm really happy about that. You'll hear that a lot. I hear that a lot.

I hear that a lot when I, when the people that I'm working with, they come back and I say how'd it go? And they're like, well, they were really happy that I'm, you know, doing better. They don't want, they, you know, they don't want to talk to me again, but that's okay. They're, you know, they're happy. And sometimes it can repair and restore that relationship in such a way that they actually do want to take you back as well. They're glad you're doing better and they want to take you back.

So if you get to that point, Hey, Good for you, man. So in order for you to be able to change this internal negative dialogue you've got going on about yourself and move away from that and move away from the idea that, hey, I'm a piece of garbage and I'm always going to be a piece of garbage, you have to be able to present to yourself something that is a change in you. So when you are working on that change, And you prepare yourself for confronting others that you've done things to.

You're going to get one of several different... As you move into step nine and you can confront people. I'm going to talk about this in another podcast.

But when you get to that point, you're going to either be received, you're going to be rejected, or you cannot find the person because they either have disappeared, you didn't know who their identity was, so you can't even track them down, or... they're dead and i'm going to talk more in depth about what that means um when you have to to confront those when i talk about step nine in the future but for this one it's preparation mentally preparing yourself now courage and resolve those are two key

words The resolve. I am going to do this. I am not going to not do this. I am not going to falter with this. I am not going to be weak and feel insecure about this. See, this is your recovery, right? It's nobody else's recovery. So if you're going to feel resolve, it's got to be backed up by courage. The courage to withstand and be able to admit the things that you did And that mindset of courage and resolve, those two things, courage first, then resolve. The courage. Think about it. Come on.

You've already done the worst things you could possibly do. And it's already happened. So it's not like nobody knows it. Everybody knows it. The person you did it to, they know it. So there's no point in you trying to hide and pretend like it's not, you know, oh, if I just don't talk about it, it doesn't exist. It does exist. It's just, you know, it's the 800-pound gorilla in the room.

But if you turn around and you go, hey, there's an 800-pound gorilla in the room, it's not, you know, oh, I see it. It's not a surprise. You're not fooling anybody by pretending like it didn't happen. That was then. This is now. Well, it is what it is. Well, there's nothing we can do about it. Well, you know what? I really don't think about it that much. Lies. Those are all lies. Trust me. They're lying if they say that. It is what it is. It's dismissive, and it's pretend.

And if they say, well, there's nothing we can do about it, that's an excuse that doesn't really hold water, does it? Like, nothing we can do about it. So we're just going to sit here and think about it. Well, you're doing something by thinking negatively about it or the person who did it, so you are actually doing something. So that's a lie. And then the rest of them kind of fall in the category of magical thinking.

I don't, you know, well, you know, it's like in the South, they have, well, we, I live in the South, right? I've lived in the South for a long time. We have a phrase we use whenever we're telling somebody that they actually are a bad person or they've done something bad. But in the Southern United States, we have this genteel way of confronting life and we don't like to talk badly about anybody.

So they'll say, well, you know, Jimmy bless his heart he really had some struggles early with you know he drank a little too much bless his heart that bless his heart part means that's what I really think of the person they're really an awful person and they're drunk but I'm not going to say that I'm just going to say he had a little bit of trouble bless his heart okay so that's you know that's excusing and magical thinking It's there, it's been there, it's always been there, and it's something

that wasn't good. So you, as a person who walks up and says something to somebody that they already know because you did it to them, and every time they see you, all they think, most likely, is, oh yeah, he's the one who stole $1,000 from me. Oh yeah, he wrecked my car. Oh yeah, he caused problems and I got in trouble at work. That's what they're thinking.

So if you think you're hiding from the fact that he's not going to think about it because I don't talk about it, that's all they're thinking about. So what you're going to do as a recovered addict, as somebody who's working on recovery, is you are going to change the way that person understands and perceives you from that point on. Because if they look at you, and let's say you stole their car. And then you wrecked it.

And now for the rest of your life, every time they see you, that's all they see because that's all they remember because that's the last thing that you really did that was significant with them is you stole their car and then you totaled it. And you walk up and you do that step nine with them. Guess what? Now they're going to remember that. See, and that's what you got to keep in mind is they remember the thing that That was the most significant.

And you coming up to them and saying, hey, you know what? I'm really sorry about that. And I want you to know that I now know how wrong that was. And on and on and on. And that's what we're going to talk about in step nine. Now you've given them something new to think about. And they're probably going to look at you and go, yeah, he stole my car. But boy, he has really changed. He's really gotten his life together. He's an amazing guy now. See how that works?

So you're going to transition their thinking. And you're going to do it because you had the courage to confront them and the resolve that you were going to do it the way you're supposed to. So preparation for that is something that is kind of challenging because you're trying to shift your way out of the thinking of this regret and remorse for something that you keep beating yourself up for. And you're going to then confront it. And so that's where that change occurs is when you confront it.

So the magic of... if anybody was wondering. What is it? Well, it's you living with your stuff and realizing that you don't have to be angry about it. And my prayer and my hope for people is that they're able to do that and receive that forgiveness. You may not get it every time, but to receive that forgiveness from somebody else so that you can know that it is possible to be forgiven and you can forgive yourself.

Because that's really what this step is about, is preparing yourself to be able to do that. And so what you want to be able to do is say, I'm sorry and mean it. And the only way you're going to do that is if you can confront. So let's just be clear. And I'm going to read this step to you one more time because I want you to fully understand it. It is... We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.

That is the entrance into the final stages of recovery. And that is undoing the damage that you've done to yourself and to other people. And... The best way to do that is to be honest. Honesty will get you there because it's the truth, right? If you're honest, you're talking about the truth. And again, I'm going to paraphrase some scripture for you. If you understand the truth, the truth will set you free.

Now, if you take that little simple phrase and you take it out of context and you apply it to this, that means that if you understand the truth, that you are actually healing from damage, that you lost control, but you are a changed person now. That is the truth. And being free. Free from what? Free from your addiction. Free from your remorse. Free from your self-incrimination. Constantly badgering yourself.

Free from having low self-esteem brought on by all the things that you've done to yourself and other people. Free to live a healthy life. And that really is the gifting that is recovery. I'm free. So, can you become free? Yes. You have to be honest. That means you have to confront. And the enemy... Addiction. The enemy wants you to fail. And then it wants to start stripping everything away from you. And then finally it just wants to kill you. It wants to flat out kill you. Don't let that happen.

Don't let yourself get to the point where you can't live the life you should be living. No matter what you've done to yourself over time or how long you've been doing it, it doesn't matter. You can be free to speak the truth and be courageous in doing that. Well, that's it for this episode of Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I hope that you have enjoyed this episode, and if you have a need to get into recovery, please do so, and do it today. Don't let the enemy win. Reach out to me.

You can reach me through my website, wellspringmindbody.com. Talk to me, Doc Jacques, and I can guide you in the direction you need to go. I am... Hopeful that you will hear this message and do something about your addiction today. Thanks for listening to this episode and I will catch you on the next episode of Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard. See ya.