Observe Don't Absorb Someone Else's Problems

And I do these podcasts in an effort to get some information out people that need it and that might be you you might be an addict you might be in recovery you might have a loved one who's in recovery or needs to get into recovery but whatever the case may be that's what this podcast is all about helping addicts get into recovery in whatever form that looks like and however you need to do it because there's one thing i've learned As an addiction specialist, everybody's addiction is different and

it all looks different. But in the end, sobriety always looks the same. Sober. So let's learn how to get sober. So I hope you get something from these podcasts and I enjoy doing them. So let's get started. Before I get started with today's podcast, I wanted to take a moment to talk to you about what you can do to help yourself if you are an addict or what you can do to help a loved one who is suffering from addiction. Addiction is a medical condition that will kill you if it's left untreated.

And if you are suffering from addiction, you need professional help from professionals. You are not going to be able to beat this yourself. So check into a hospital, go to a rehab or go to detox and then go to rehab. And if you are already in the process of doing that or have discharged from residential treatment, you can certainly reach out to a professional like me for further assistance in your aftercare. I can be reached at wellspringmindbody.com through my website.

If you're a loved one of an addict, don't idly stand by and watch them get worse and worse. Don't let your pride and your shame get the best of you and get the best of your addict loved one. Reach out for help. You can do so by getting Thank you. I was talking to a client the other day in a session and he said something that really triggered a thought in my head that I had not had before. And he said that he felt like he should observe things instead of absorbing them.

And I was like, wow, that's really profound. Observe, don't absorb. So I asked him if I could take that from him and steal it and put it in a podcast and use that and he gave me permission. So that's what I'm doing. Observe, don't absorb. And you know, it's really relevant to recovery because addicts are really good about feeling things and feeling bad and being in that feeling mode and they tend to be able to absorb things And I don't think that's really helpful, absorbing.

Observing is a different matter. That's what we probably should be doing, right? Observe people as they're doing things. Observe what people are saying to us rather than absorb them. See, absorbing, I think, really is the contributor to stinking thinking. We feel bad about ourselves or whatever anybody's saying about us or other people because we're absorbing what they're saying. Whether it's right or wrong, it doesn't matter. So we absorb it. And other people's problems, we absorb those too.

And I think it really contributes to the addictive cycling. We absorb. Somebody doesn't like me and I absorb that. Somebody said something hateful to me and I absorb that. I feel bad about myself because I can't succeed or I can't stop or I can't, you know, whatever. I absorb that. I hang on to it. Absorbing it like a sponge, right? You get it in a sponge and that water is held in that sponge. And it could take a really long time for that sponge to dry out, especially if I'm absorbing stuff.

And then we get to a point where we've absorbed so much we think we can't absorb anymore. I've got to get rid of it. start lashing out. So I like that idea of observing instead of absorbing. And I think it's a two-way street and there's two different ways we can look at it. We can look at it as an addict. I'm absorbing stuff. People make me feel bad. They say stuff. They make me believe things or they said things about me or done things to me and I absorbed it.

And that makes me want to drink or shoot up or whatever. And so the addict absorbs things and that's one side of it. But I think there's another side too. And that is with people who are around addicts. I've observed in the practice and helping people in their recovery that a lot of times what they're doing, the loved ones, is they're absorbing, trying to absorb everything away from the addict. And that's the enabling and the enmeshment, the codependency thing.

But the other part of it is, I think what they're doing is they're absorbing The stuff that the addict is throwing at them. And so it becomes a very useful manipulative tool for the addict to use. Because they know that person is going to absorb what I say. And so as you're watching somebody who's a loved one in recovery, and if you can watch them just... observe them instead of absorbing it, making yourself feel like you should be doing something to help them when in fact you can't.

So I like that idea. Observe, don't absorb. And I'm going to use that. He gave me permission to. So I really want to, I want to thank you, Bruce, for giving me that little piece of wisdom from a person who has been recovering. Thanks. It's helpful. So there it is. That's the phrase we're going to explore today. Observe. Don't absorb. So what is the difference between observing and absorbing? Well, it's pretty simple. If you're absorbing something, you're taking it in. You're internalizing it.

If you're observing it, you're being sort of a scientist, if you will. You're kind of seeing what the other person is doing. You're observing them, and you're not taking it inside. So if we took that to mean something in psychological terms, absorbing would be something that you're internalizing and you're feeling. If you're observing it, you're taking note of whatever they're doing, and you're not attaching emotional thought behind it. It's just more intellectual.

I know that sounds kind of lame guy talk, you know. Get out of your heart. Get into your head. No, that's not what it's about at all. See, the difference between observing and absorbing is something that you're attaching your own emotional feelings to. So if you're absorbing it, you are attaching your feelings to that thing.

And with that comes maybe something that they either wanted you to do because they're trying to manipulate you or that they're trying to not have you feel or it wasn't intended. So absorbing whatever somebody's saying is going to make you feel something about it. And you know, in terms of addiction, when we are in an addict mindset, people will tend to want to lash out. They want you to feel their pain. They're feeling pain. They're feeling unhappy, upset.

And they want you to be able to feel that too. Maybe consciously or maybe unconsciously. But they're making an attempt to get you to feel something. And what is it they're getting you to feel? Probably something you don't want to feel. So what I do when I'm dealing with addicts in my everyday life, and then certainly in my professional life, is I am taking note of what they're saying. And I'm taking note of what I'm observing about them instead of absorbing it.

So they may tell me, you know, this is your fault. My addiction is your fault. Well, it's not my fault. But that's an interesting observation, right? So you're going to observe that. Huh, I'm taking note. You seem to be upset. You seem to be having some problems right now. See, that's an observation. I'm observing that you're in pain. I see you're in pain. Wow. Tell me about your pain. I've got to ignore the attack because it's not about me.

See, that's turning their addiction into something that's about me. And that's where people get into these traps where they start to enable individuals because they're trying to make them not upset, make them feel better. And that's when addiction creeps in, right? It gives them the opportunity to use. It also makes you an accomplice. So getting away from feeling what they're feeling not in a cold and sensitive way. I don't mean that.

What I do mean is when you're observing somebody and they're in pain, you can take note of their pain, but you can still help. I mean, medical doctors do it every day. A person comes in, they got a broken arm. Ouch, that hurts. I'm observing the broken arm. My job is to not feel the broken arm, but to do something about it. And that's the same thing.

And as addicts, rail against you for whatever is going on in their head they're just telling you they're uncomfortable I'm in pain so it kind of comes down to the same thing that I run into in my practice all the time nobody gets it I hear that all the time nobody gets it and it's like well what is it we don't get tell me what it is I don't get that's the question that they usually don't get asked back Addicts will a lot of times lash out at those because they're trying to make other people get

away from them because they're too close. And they don't want to feel their pain. So the only way that they can make it so that they can hide it is to lash out at you. And now we're back to that same thing. Make me feel something different so that I can feel better. So if I can get angry, then maybe that will make me feel better. But it usually doesn't. And as a loved one watching this happen, it's so frustrating because maybe you were involved in the thing that's causing them pain.

Maybe somehow they've manipulated you into thinking that the pain was your fault, even though it wasn't. Or maybe, maybe you did have a part in it and you don't want to deal with that yourself either. So observing versus absorbing. If you have addiction... And you are feeling angry at somebody. And those are those moments when we say, I'm getting high at somebody. That's you absorbing everything that's going on around you. People think addicts have this horrible dysregulation thing going on.

And that it's because their addiction, their chemical. And it's not about their chemical. They're dysregulated. But they're trying desperately to regulate themselves. And so getting off that pain, and that's what we feel when we're in our addiction, is we feel pain and anger and upset and sadness, and we were trying to make it go away. And it's like we're flopping around like a fish on the beach, trying to get back in the water, but the water's nowhere near.

One of the things I have told people in the past in my office, and I think I did it just recently, it's kind of like trying to make the air... You can't make air go away. It's around you, but you can't see it. Unless you live in a big city like L.A. where you can see the air. Yeah, yeah, I get that. But you can't see air. You can't see it. You can breathe it in, and you can feel it, and you know when something's not quite right with the air.

It's too hot, it's too cold, it's too smoky, it's smoggy. I'm not getting enough of it. Or there's not enough oxygen in the air, too much carbon dioxide, something. But it's that moment when you breathe in the air. It's in you. Well, I don't like this air. One of the analogies I gave somebody, it was, you know, you're walking around and everything's fine. And then you walk by and there's this horrible foul smell. Horrible. So what do you do? You hold your breath. You plug your nose, right?

So you don't let those molecules get into you. And that's kind of what it's like with addiction. It's like I feel bad. And the thing I feel bad about, I can't seem to get rid of. Because you're trying to push away the air. And you're not going to be successful. So what should you do instead? Well, don't absorb it. You know, if it's painful and it's something that is painful or the experience is bad, maybe plugging your nose and going the other way. That might be the answer. Plug your nose.

I'm not talking about literally, but figuratively. Plug that nose. Don't breathe it in. Don't take that thing into your body. So if you have this unbelievably confrontational, tense feeling, upset relationship with your mom or your dad and you're an adult yourself now and you have these problems with your parents, you know what? You're not going to change those parents. You're just not going to. They're adults. They've been adults longer than you have been around.

And so you're not going to change them. But you also don't have to let them be the source of your pain and anguish. And if you can't work through that relationship, maybe you should put some boundaries around it. Or, if you're a parent and you have an adult child who is causing problems and pain, don't breathe that in. Don't take it in. You're observing it, okay? But if you're absorbing it, now you're going to fall into that trap of enabling. So don't do it.

So just like we can choose to breathe, and I think I said, you know, breathing is one of those voluntary and involuntary physiological responses we have. It's one of the very, very few. I can hold my breath. I'm not doing it right now. Wait, I'll do it. Okay, now I'm going to breathe. See, I chose to do that. But this whole time, all before this, I've been breathing without even thinking about it. It's just automatic because I need to. I have to to stay alive. And you know what?

That's kind of what we do with relationships too and pain and awful feelings and all that. Observing them versus absorbing. And if you're absorbing it and you shouldn't be, it's going to cause you some problems. So here's the practice. Here's today's lesson. Let's learn to absorb. Only when we need to. I absorb the love from my children, my daughter, my sons. I absorb that love. Now, they may not be feeling it at that moment. They may just be upset with me or they're crying or whatever.

Or I guess in the future with my daughter, it'll be embarrassing to her. I'm hoping not. But maybe I'll be embarrassing to her because I'm her father. But I'm not going to absorb that. I am going to observe it, though. So there's your lesson for today. Learn to observe. Save yourself the agony of getting dragged into emotional upset because you're absorbing when you should be observing.

You're going to have a much more peaceful life and you'll probably feel a lot less pain and get dragged into a lot less arguments and nonsense when you do that. So let's do that. Let's learn how to observe rather than absorb. So there you have it. It's really hard when you're trying not to feel somebody else's stuff and you know them really well and you feel it, but you're not trying to take it in. It's really hard to do. So how do you do that?

How do you be around somebody who is self-destructing right there in front of you and try not to absorb what's going on? I wish I had the easy answer, but there is no easy answer. It's really, really difficult. And in fact, it's so difficult that I'm not even sure that It's something that everybody can do. So that's why it's important to have boundaries. You've got to be able to put boundaries down.

Tom Sizemore, the actor and recovered addict, wrote in his book, by some miracle, I made it out of there. He wrote, they say that when you get sober, you have to make that your number one priority in life. And he wasn't doing that. And he kept stumbling and making mistakes because he kept trying to get sober for somebody else or because somebody told him to for some job or something else. And then he'd always fall back into it. And that poor dude, man, he suffered for so long.

And the people around him, they had, you know, he had a wife and kids. They all loved him. I mean, he and he subjected himself to all kinds of insane kinds of misery in public view. as unfortunately many celebrities find themselves falling into that trap. And, oh, God, I remember he had this show on VH1, Saving Tom Sizemore, I think is what it was called. And they had a crew following him around as he's getting high. And he's so out of it. He probably doesn't even remember the filming of it.

It's in his book. But, I mean, it's like, really? You're going to let a... crew follow you around a film crew follow you around and watch you as you're falling into the depths of despair addiction what's wrong with you and he doesn't know that's the thing is like he had no he knows that he doesn't know i mean that's that's the that's the problem so he's he's got people around him that love him and care about him and he just is so into his addiction. He's so destructive.

He just, you know, doesn't care. And he's got all kinds of money and people all want a part of him. He was around the people that were the wrong people, you know? Um, so becoming part of the problem is not going to help the addict and it's certainly not going to help you as an addict to be thinking that everybody's against you. You know, you gotta let somebody care. And it's that time when you let somebody in and let somebody care about you that you can actually get your life back together.

But it's so hard because you're walking around, you've been traumatized, you're just feeling abused. And as a clinician, as a therapist, what I'm doing is I'm walking people through their misery, perhaps for the first time because they've never let anybody in to let them see the pain that you're in. And it's horrific. It really is. It's such a hard thing to watch people go through this stuff and to try to be their guide out of the craziness of the misery of their life.

But I, myself, I have to observe it. I can't absorb it. If I did, I wouldn't be able to do this work for more than probably a week. Yeah. because I'd just be burdened with everybody's problems. So when you're in that point where you are trying to help somebody, you've got to stay in observational mode, not absorption mode, if you will, if there's such a thing. So feeling for a person is different than feeling the person. And feeling the person is absorbing. Feeling for the person is observing.

It's not absorbing. So let's try to keep that in mind. As an addict, if you have suffered immense trauma in your lifetime, you've got to be able to go back into that moment in those times when you can share that with other people, unburden yourself of that pain. And that sharing is where you unburden yourself. You really do. It's in that sharing. That's when it gets better. So doing that with... your peers in the recovery community. That's certainly one way to do it.

And that's how we probably most effectively do it. And I keep going back to the same thing. I've talked about this in all my podcasts, I think. I think I've probably said this every single time. Feeling felt. It's really important to feel felt. You've got to feel felt. And in order to do that, you have to be able to open up. But you've got to be able to open up with people who are going to not absorb All your agony. You got to be in there in that moment where you can actually share with them.

And so do that. Share with them. And as always, let's get clean and sober, man. It's an awesome thing. It's going to make you feel a lot better. It will. I promise. It does. Hey man, if you made it all the way through this podcast, congratulations. This is my first podcast on a different platform, so I apologize if it sounds a little rough in its production work. I'm still working those problems out. But I really did try to get it right, or at least I hope I did.

And maybe you learned something and got some insight into recovery, no matter who and what you are going through, who you are, what you're going through, or where you are. People are listening to this thing, and I have no idea where you guys are. It's like, where in the world you are. I don't know.

But I enjoy doing these, and I know I do get some listenership from it, and I If anybody has any suggestions on topics or they want me to reach out to somebody to do an interview with, just let me know. You can reach me on my website, through my website in the email there, wellspringmindbody.com. And if you do have suggestions, I would encourage you to reach out to me. I really do appreciate you trying to get this right because I'm experimenting with a new format.

So that's this podcast for today, for this week, the Doc Jacques Your Addiction Lifeguard Podcast. And just remember, you've got to get out there and get sober, man. I can't wait anymore. It's time. Don't let the coronavirus get you. Don't let the isolation get you. It's been a tough year and a half, man. This has been tough. Politics, disease, viruses, addiction, political upheaval, people just angry all the time. Enough!

enough of this so let's go out there and get sober shall we and uh enjoy what's left of our summer into the fall remember it's not how many times you've fallen down it's how many times you get back up and do not save your addiction by ending your life it's not worth it it's just not worth it i really appreciate you listening And until next time, this is Dr. Jacques de Bruker, Doc Jacques, here on the beach patrolling for those people who are in need and desperate. Appreciate you listening.

Hey, it's Doc Jacques, and this is the Doc Jacques, Your Addiction Lifeguard podcast. These weekly podcasts are meant to inspire, Give information, help, and interview people who are in recovery or who have been treating recovery. This podcast is hosted by me, Doc Jacques. I'm a psychologist, licensed professional counselor, and addiction specialist, and I treat addiction. And I do these podcasts in an effort to get some information out to people that need it, and that might be you.

You might be an addict. You might be in recovery. You might have a loved one who's in recovery or needs to get into recovery. But whatever the case may be, that's what this podcast is all about. Helping addicts get into recovery in whatever form that looks like and however you need to do it. Because there's one thing I've learned as an addiction specialist is everybody's addiction is different and it all looks different. But in the end, sobriety always looks the same. Sober.

So let's learn how to get sober. So I hope you get something from these podcasts, and I enjoy doing them. So let's get started.