Need or Want In Recovery: What's The Difference

It is intended for entertainment and informational purposes, but not considered help. If you actually need real help and you're in need of help, please seek that out. If you're in dire need of help, you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them. But don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help. It's not. It's just a It's for entertainment and information only.

So let's keep it in that light, alright? Have a good time, learn something, and then get the real help that you need from a professional. So someone comes into my office and they've made an appointment because they're seeking help.

So they come in because their wife, husband, a judge... probation officer parole officer somebody said you need help so you need to get that help so you need to take it when it's being offered and then so they come in and they say they need help and I ask them do you want help they look at me and they say no but they need help so that's what they're there for they need it but what is the difference between needing help and wanting help that's a question that I get asked all the time So that's

going to be today's show. Wanting help or needing help? Which one is it? I get involved in discussions with people all the time in my line of work. And we use those words need and want when it comes to help. And there's a lot of real solid confusion about what that means exactly. So we're going to talk about that today. You and I. We're going to have a discussion about, well, it's a one-way discussion. I'm going to talk to you about needing help or wanting help.

To begin with, if you get to the point where you're coming in my office, things have gotten tragically bad. That's why you're there, and that's why you're there when you're checking into a rehab center, or you've been arrested, or you're talking to an attorney, or you're seeing a counselor or a psychiatrist. Things have gotten really, really bad. So you need help. That's quite obvious. That's why you're seeking it out. Forced to, self-initiated, whatever the case may be.

But there's a big difference between needing help and wanting help. And if you're working on recovery, oh man, is it really confusing. Because you're forced into help, usually. Almost everybody I treat is forced into help. That's the need help. I need help. Something's gone wrong. I'm about to lose something. My freedom, my job, my license, my relationship, my children, something. And so you need help. But what's really confusing is the idea that you need help, but you don't want it.

Because all you want to do is continue doing what you're doing. And the insanity that ensues because of the difference between need and want is just incredible. I do interventions. I talk to families. I talk to addicts. And it's always the same thing. They don't want help. The addict doesn't want help. You do not want help. But you need it to get that noise to stop coming at you. from the other person who is sick of dealing with you and your craziness and your addiction.

And in your head somewhere, there's a part of you that really understands that you need help, and you just don't want it, and that doesn't make any sense to you. And so what do you do? How do you deal with the fact that you need help, but you don't want it? Well, that kind of goes with the phrase... You're going to have to do things that other people are telling you to do even when you don't want to do them.

And that's the biggest problem is trying to make sense of just that idea that I'm going to listen to somebody and follow their instructions even when I don't want to do it. And when it comes to recovery, you don't want to do much of anything. Really. Let's be honest. You do not want to stop doing the thing that you're doing. You just want to figure out a way to get people to be okay with the fact that you're doing what you're doing. and just leave you alone.

But that's not going to happen because now you've gotten to the point where you need help because you're going to lose something. So then you go into it sort of half-heartedly, just not even really, you're just playing the part. And that happens all the time. I've had many times when somebody's come through my door and I'm like, okay, well, here's what you're going to have to do to get clean or sober. And I go through the list. Go to meetings, get a sponsor.

You're going to have to do this counseling at least once a week, maybe twice or three times a week. You're going to have to see a psychiatrist. You're going to have to allow me as your counselor to talk to your psychiatrist and your psychiatrist to talk to me or anybody else that's prescribing medications to you. I'm going to need to talk to your probation officer. You also need to bring your family in here because this is a family affair. It's not an individual effort.

So you're going to start being... honest and open. You're going to start telling me things. Everything. That's the things you're going to tell me. Everything. And you're going to check in with your sponsor. Probably your sponsor is going to want you to call every day at 7 o'clock in the morning to talk for 5 or 10 minutes to make sure that you're still alive. And you're also going to have to report to me. Talk to me. Talk to me about what's going on.

So I'm going to need you to text me or call me or something. Oh man, that list... It's too long for people. They don't want to do those things. See, there's the want again. They don't want to do that. They don't want to be accountable because their whole existence has been made up of a big, huge story facade that they have created.

Where you have gone out and you have lied to people and you've manipulated and gaslit people so much and you've filled them with terror and fear that you're going to kill yourself if they don't comply with your demands so that you can just continue to weasel around and get drunk and high. I've lost a lot of friends that way. I've lost a lot of friends who have died because the enabling that goes on that you... the person who is an addict, you have created in these people.

And it started out kind of innocently, a little lie here, a little hiding there, and then it just kept getting worse and worse and worse until you became a master of deception, a master at lying and deception. And it took you a while to get there. It wasn't easy, but it was a skill that you picked up.

The problem is that really everybody knows that you're lying they're just not sure what to do about it so do they confront that do they confront you no because you throw a fit or you disappear you start screaming at them how dare you question me well they're questioning you because you're lying so of course they're going to question you but you don't look at it that way do you you just want to be left alone everything's fine everybody should just leave me alone so that i can slowly kill myself

So the want is something that comes much later in your recovery. You need it and you're fighting it the whole time. See, that's what addiction does to you. The enemy gets into your head and says, no, no, no. You got to keep me alive. The addiction. That's the me. Keep me alive. So to do that, you got to lie to everybody. And it is lying about everything. Everything. You lie about everything. You lie about who you're talking to. You lie about where you are. You lie about what you've been doing.

You lie about what you haven't been doing. You lie about who you're not talking to. You lie about everything. That's the funny thing. When people come into my office and they start telling me their story, it's not hard for me to figure out if they're lying or if they're being honest because when they first come in, Everything coming out of their mouth is a manipulation, a lie, because they have not learned to be honest and to let somebody bear witness to their honesty.

So I always immediately know as soon as they walk in the door, I'm facing someone who's going to lie to me about pretty much everything, and it's fine. Just keep lying because I know it's a lie. So pretty much whatever you've said is at a maximum 50% of the truth and at a maximum minimum is 0% of the truth.

So if you kind of encounter somebody that's at that position where 50% or more of what they're saying is a flat out lie, you learn not to believe what they're saying or just to fill in the gaps that they're leaving for you. And I know those gaps because guess what? I'm a professional. And the other funny thing is you come into my office and you tell me that you're doing all these You're lying to me. You come into my office and you lie to me.

And it's like you think I'm the first person or you're the first person that I've encountered who's lied to me. It's every single addict. The game is the same. You think you're playing a different game because you're the only person on the team. I, on the other hand, am a highly seasoned... an experienced individual when it comes to clinical treatment of addicts. I see 25 to 35 people a week. They're all lying. That's been going on for, what, 19 years now.

You think I haven't heard all this before? Nothing you're going to tell me is new. So this is the case when you're working with somebody who's in recovery. They're going to lie, and they think that they're fooling you. And if you are somebody who has heard all this before, as anybody who is a seasoned clinician, or somebody who's even a sponsor or been in recovery, they've all heard this. A lot of them have done it.

So it's not new, but it's new to you because you think you're so smart and cagey and crafty and can get away with it. But you can't because... We've all heard it before. So you come in and you say you need help. And then you're going to play the games. And the games don't work because it's all been heard before. So you just continue on with the games until you start getting called out. Now, here's the rub. You come in and you need help. Oh, you absolutely need the help.

Yes. But you don't want it. So you play the games because you really don't want the help. So you're just going through the motions. And it's really hard because when you are at that place where you're caught, but you're not willing to surrender over to the idea of recovery yet, as we talked about in the last podcast, you're not there yet, what's going to make you keep coming? Well, hopefully, it is the threat of the loss.

And I really do hope that you've experienced that, but not so extreme that you can't recover from it, like a prison sentence for 10 years. Or you've caused so much damage to your brain you've ended up with, you know, you're in a coma because you had multiple strokes and now your brain is fried permanently. I am praying that you don't get to that point.

But on the continuum, on the spectrum of the addiction disorders, you know, you could be at that middle stage or moving quickly towards the end stage where it's going to be difficult. But what makes you want to stay? Well, hopefully it's the threat of the loss, right? And sadly, I've walked this path with individuals who have moved towards losing custody of their children permanently. They've moved towards divorce.

They've moved towards a court case where if something doesn't intervene in this process, they're going to end up serving one or two or three or four or five years in jail, which is better than prison. But then it can move towards divorce.

prison too so I've walked that path divorce custody battles where they've lost freedom and repeat offenders are the saddest and worst of all because they have gone through the loss and they feel like they can sustain the loss and still they're okay so now they're becoming homeless and you know they've already lost so many jobs they're unemployable really at that point so That's sometimes where it goes for you.

I mean, if you can listen to my words and understand that the need to get there is good enough to keep you going and then start listening to other people and following. You don't have to be afraid. And I'm going to repeat what I have tried to drill into everybody's head that I've worked with on these podcasts is the reason we use is because we're uncomfortable. And that discomfort can come in many forms and for many different reasons.

And if you're uncomfortable, all you want to do is escape the discomfort. Life is hard, and it's harder when you come from a place of abuse. And most people that I've experienced in this practice have a really severe trauma background, and they're walking around with it, and they don't even know it. They don't recognize it. They all have trauma, but the severe trauma is usually what I run into because it comes to me.

And I'm an addiction specialist, and they've probably been to two or three or four different therapists before they get to me. That's usually the case. And the therapist did not know what to do with them. So they thought, well, you know, they're dysregulated because of addiction, so they got to talk to an addiction counselor. So I get you and you're really severely traumatized, but you don't know it. So you're the walking wounded without even realizing that that's how bad it's gotten.

So when you walk into my office and you need help, yeah, you absolutely need help, but you're not going to want it. So what do you do? Well, you start listening to other people, like I said. And that's where it gets hard. And I've had people get really upset with me and attack me. Not physically, but attack me because I'm suggesting that they have to actually change. And they don't like that. And I've been subjected to all kinds of verbal assaults in my office because of that.

I don't take it personally because I know they're just out of their minds because they're addicts and that's not really who they are. But still, it's like you're seeing somebody suffer and they're attacking the person that's trying to help them. Well, come on, man. That's just nonsense. How are you going to get any help if you keep attacking those who want to help you? It happened a few weeks ago.

Somebody was in my office, and I was trying to explain to them what they needed to do and how to do it. And I worked with them for a few sessions, and then they just got really irate and left. But then they called me back two weeks later because, again, see, they need help. And you can't keep attacking somebody who's trying to help you when you say you need help and expect that you're going to get anywhere. So then the threat of loss keeps kind of clamping down on them. It's craziness, right?

I mean, it sounds crazy, except if you're an addict. I need help. Get away from me. I need help. Get away from me. It's a vicious cycle. But it'll stop if you hang in there. And that's the key. You got to hang in there in order to get the help you need.

So listening to somebody who cares, and that's the thing, you know, a lot of, uh, a lot of therapists out there, they, they, I'm sure they're very caring people, but they don't necessarily know how to demonstrate that to an addict in an adequate way where they will stay. The addict will stay with them. through the recovery process. So if your therapist is one that's not working for you, man, and they're ignoring the real problem, your trauma, then go find another therapist.

There's a lot of us out there, right? And so you might have to go to two or three or four before you find one. And then to find one that really understands the craziness of addiction is a whole other matter. I don't know how many times in my office, it's almost weekly, somebody will come in and I will start talking about addiction and they're hearing it in a way that they've never heard before. I'm saying it to them in a way that they've never heard before. And then they say that to me.

They say, I never heard anybody explain it that way. And it's like, really? That's just, it's addiction. I'm just explaining addiction and what it does to you and how it works. And they've never heard that from a treating clinician. Right? So if you're not really connecting with your therapist over the addiction thing, they're not getting it, and you can't really adequately explain it, please move on to the next therapist. Don't quit therapy, because therapy is the key.

But if they're not getting it, they don't get it, that's okay. Just move on to the next one until you find one that does get it. And you'll get the help that you need Not that you want, but that you need. So now you start to trust somebody. You realize somebody's on your side. They're not attacking you because of your addiction. They're not stigmatizing you. They're joining you, and they talk about it in terms, like I do, where they want to join in on that fight with you in recovery.

They want to join in on the fight. You're fighting addiction, and you've got an enemy that's attacking you, and he's going to use every... Every means to take you out at their disposal. Everything. Everything that addiction can use. And it might quite possibly win unless you change the way that you're attacking it. So you need help. And you're going to feel like you need help. And you're going to want to resist it. That's going to go on for quite a while. It could go on for literally months.

It could go on for months. And if it goes on and on and on, and you can hang in there with it, then you will be able to get the help you want. Nobody wants to give up their addiction willingly. They don't wake up one day, and I want parents to hear this.

If there's a parent listening to this, nobody wakes up one day, whether they're an adolescent, a young teenager, man or woman or an adult or a 45 year old man or a woman they don't wake up one day and go you know all this heroin or alcohol or cocaine I've been taking or crystal meth really was probably not such a good idea I want to give this up you know what all your upset and ranting at me about the problem you know what you're right I want to give it up nobody nobody does that and you the

addicted person are not going to do that either you know listen to that you're not going to do that what you are going to do is you're going to come to the realization that your life sucks and enough is enough you think but then you don't want the help because that means you're going to have to give up your coping mechanism so wanting my experience wanting comes in around somewhere between month four and and month nine in the recovery process.

And I mean four or nine post rehab after you got out of rehab. So I don't really count rehab as being part of your time when the time starts on your recovery because you're in a place where in all likelihood you couldn't use anything to get high anyway. So I don't count that. So four months after you've discharged from rehab, Wanting starts to come into your life because you're starting to feel different. You don't know what is going on, but you're feeling different. You do know that.

And you've started leaning a little bit into other coping mechanisms. And it feels different. And you kind of like that. So... That feeling, you want to start preserving that feeling. So at four, five, six months. But when you get to that six months, man, that's where people jump out of recovery. And addicts jump out of recovery at six months because they think, I got it. I get it now. It's been half a year. I understand it. You don't understand anything.

You just understand you feel a little better. But if you drop out in recovery, if your AA or NA meetings or you discontinue treatment from your IOP or your counselor or whatever you're using, you drop out at six months, I can almost promise you within 30 days you will be right back to where you started, where you started from, which is the place where you're using. I can almost guarantee it. Six months, nine months, 12 months divided by three. The threes. The threes will get you.

Six, nine, and 12 months. People drop out. They think, I got it. I don't need this anymore. I understand. And then they end up relapsing. So the want coming in at between month four and nine will give you some sense of empowerment. You start to feel better. You start to feel like you're making some headway. Life still sucks pretty bad because you're still suffering the consequences of all the loss that you've incurred because of your addiction.

depending on your drug of choice, and your health is starting to come back a little bit, depending on how severe your addiction was within that broad spectrum of addiction. Your brain fog is starting to lift a little bit. Some of the withdrawal symptoms, the long-term withdrawal, the long-haul withdrawal stuff is starting to fall away, and you feel better.

But your arrogance is not left to you, and that's what's going to trip you up, and you're going to stop listening to people, And perhaps the want becomes overwhelming in your life at that point. And you feel like you no longer need this. It's just want. So I can pick and choose what I do for recovery. And I can pick and choose who I'm talking to. And I can pick and choose what I'm going to do moving forward. Because I want this. And so now I'm in charge.

And I would completely disagree with that statement. Because you're not in charge. Your addiction has not left you. It is just kind of waiting. It's lying in wait to pounce on you again. So please understand that recovery takes two years. It doesn't take six months or four months. It takes two years. And so that recovery process in that two years and four to nine months when you start accepting that, oh, yeah, this feels good. It feels better. You know, maybe I do want this.

That's when you kind of run into that slippery slope and the dangerous time where you can drop out of recovery. So please hang in there. And when you start feeling like, hey, I got this. My life's back on track. I'm going to go get a job and I'm going to go jump back into the relationship I had with the crazy person that was undermining my recovery while I was doing that. No, they're safe. I can handle it. You can't. So the want does not replace need.

Need and want need to coexist within you for you to really successfully get into recovery. Need should never leave you. I do not drink because I need my family. I need my kids. I need my wife. I need my job. I need my life with me, you know, around me and living it. So I don't. And I need that, right? So when you feel the need, it stays with you. It doesn't matter if he's 30 years sober or clean. You still need it, right? You need those things. Need is about value. So you value your life.

You value your relationships. You value your husband or your wife. You value them. You value safety of housing and of food and the things that sustain your life. You have value to those. Those have value. So if they have value, you need them. So I want to live clean and sober because I need those things in my life. See, now that's different than I need to get sober, but I don't want to.

so what happens is as you're working towards recovery need continues but it's it's not replaced by want it's partnered with want they coincide and work together within you to move you towards continuing to live a clean and sober life so together they work to help you become a whole person And that's my message about need and want is that need is the only thing that's probably gonna get you in the door to move towards recovery. Want starts creeping in as you're working on it.

So if you wanna help an addict and they're in need, the best thing you can do is when they're committing a crime, call the police and report that crime so that you can force them into a need situation. If you are in a relationship with an addict, draw the hard boundary that it's either me or it's the addiction. And if they say, I'm choosing the addiction, they weren't going to be with you anyway, even if they were with you because they're choosing their addiction over you.

You're just making them make that choice as a conscious decision and say it out loud verbally to you, which is the truth. They want that addiction more than you. If they say, okay, I surrender, I want the relationship with you, but I still want to get high, okay, well, that's not acceptable, so you've got to go into some recovery work here. So you've got to go to rehab, and then you're going to have to do an aftercare, and it's going to take you two years to get there.

And if that's what you want in your relationship, then you go get that. So understand when I say need and want coexist within a good, solid recovery, that is the truth.

need exists with want but want is absent in the early stages of recovery because all you want to do is get high and i understand that but you need to get clean and sober to live a fulfilled happy life so I'm asking you to join me on the side of recovery rather than continued stress and disorder and destruction because life is worth living as long as you're living. So let's work towards recovery and let's make that change towards getting clean and sober. So let's live a sane, stable, sober life.

And that's it for this edition of Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard podcast. I want to thank you for listening and I hope that you've been listening to other episodes. If you have a suggestion on what you'd like to have a topic discussed, let me know. And if you have somebody that you know that would like to be on the podcast or you yourself would like to be on the podcast, I welcome any and all suggestions for that.

I do have some guests coming up on future episodes and I I look forward to having them on. So if you need help, please reach out for that. Reach out to me or somebody like me that does clinical treatment. And let's get sober and clean out there. Don't be afraid. Live your life like you want it. Thanks for listening.