How Do Men And Women Differ In Approaching Recovery?

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I wanted to talk today about how the difference between men and women and how they handle recovery. It's quite fascinating the difference that I've encountered in my practice when trying to deal with people who are first experiencing attempts at recovery and those who are denying recovery. It's interesting. They'll come in and they need help. Perhaps they say they need help.

But the difference in the way that men and women handle recovery, their own recovery, is quite fascinating because women are very communal. They're relational. So they need to engage in that relational aspect of recovery. But because of the shaming aspect of recovery, or addiction rather, they find it difficult to engage in that.

that communal part of it once they do engage in it they take to the group support that mutual aid society AA or NA they take to that a little bit easier than men do because men are lone wolves they're taught to protect themselves and take care of themselves and so they don't want to rely on other people so anyway I kind of wanted to talk about that today because it's interesting the differences in how I treat men and women in recovery and the differences in that I've encountered in their

expression of that attempt at recovery as well as their addiction. So hang on because we're going to talk about that today. I'm going to talk about the differences that I've encountered. So in recovery, people come to my office. They come to seek me out. They want advice. They want help. They want guidance. And they're looking for some way to move towards recovery.

And a woman will do it with a certain amount of openness and And that's one of the first differences I noticed between men and women. There's this openness about their addiction. They'll come in and they'll tell me that they have a substance abuse or substance dependence problem right off the bat. Men typically will not announce that as they come in. Women do. But what's interesting is women will hide the shame. I'm using my little finger quotes here.

The shame aspect of their addiction and the things that it has caused them to do, which is universally kind of the same between men and women. We do things differently, but women will tend to hide those shame aspects of their addiction and what that addiction has caused them to engage in, whether it's the woman who flat out engages in prostitution to support the drug act, their addiction, their dependence.

because they financially can't find another way to do it, or if it's because the times when they were blacked out or woke up in unfamiliar places or they embarrassed themselves in front of other people, they don't disclose that as easily as men do. Men, on the other hand, they typically will come in because they announce that they have this problem and that's why they sought me out and they'll put that in their intake forms.

But when I ask them, they doubt downplay the whole substance abuse, substance dependence issue. And I feel like part of that is because of that innate need to feel like they can handle things. And it's beaten into their heads as kids. And then as they grow up, men are told that they have to be able to be strong and be able to tolerate things. If they get injured, they're supposed to just walk it off, rub some dirt on it.

And so what they do is they come in and they will, after some probing, I will find out that they have an addiction problem. It's in their intake form, but they don't typically just verbalize it right away. So they'll eventually get to that, but then they will... talk openly about the things that they did. It's usually an encounter with the legal system. They got a DUI. It's caused fights. Their wife is upset with them. Something has occurred, and they openly will say that, whereas women don't.

But they also... because of that powerlessness that addiction gives you, they will tend to kind of not want to admit that it's as severe as it is. Women don't have a problem with that. They, they will say how much they're drinking or how, what kind of drugs they're doing or whatever. And the initial into, you know, when they come in at first men don't, they'll, they'll minimize the amount that they're, they're drinking. It's quite, quite interesting.

Hiding the, um, the reason that they're coming to see me because I always find it kind of interesting that they will, you know, they need help and then they minimize how much they're using and women don't. So that's the first thing that kind of pops into the whole realm of difference between men and women in recovery as I've experienced it.

So the second thing that kind of occurs in that second phase of recovery trying to experience their recovery is that the reliance on others and the suggestion that they need help. I use a lot of little catchphrases when I'm helping people, and one of them is, individuals don't get sober or clean, groups do. And that's the whole premise of AA and NA and all the A's.

The Anonymous is their mutual aid societies, but they are beneficial because you're in the recovery community so that you're surrounded by people who are moving towards a like idea, like cause. They're all aimed at the same thing that you are if you're trying to get into recovery. That's problematic for... For people generally, nobody wants to openly admit that they have this problem and then they had to go to AA or NA or OA or SA because that means that it's real, right? So you're one of us.

Like, that's the thinking. Like, you're one of us and I don't want to be one of you. I think universally male or female, that's kind of a thing that occurs irrespective of the gender, right? That's the aspect of the shaming part of it. You have to walk into a room with people who have a problem. So there's all kinds of things associated with that. But men really don't want to go initially. I really have to work hard to get them to go. Because that means they're going to have to talk.

Because that's all that happens in the rooms is talking. And they don't really want to do that because that would mean that they have to say something about the weakness that they've demonstrated in their inability to control this use of a substance. So men typically, I experienced them not wanting to engage in that. And that makes it very challenging. Women, on the other hand, they are somewhat reluctant to go, but in a much milder way.

That whole self-identifying, self-shaming thing that they feel because they walk into the rooms and there are those people. I want women to go to women-only meetings, at least on the first few meetings, because it's a little bit safer for them because the gender difference that they encounter and the male energy that's in those rooms, it's hard to be open.

With men in the room, I find that they have a difficult time with that, so I try to get them to go to a women-only meeting, but they kind of don't want to do it, but then when they go... Uh, they're in their elements. They're in that communal social element in that, that, that supportive thing that they, they find. And so women, and I haven't been to a women's only meeting. I've done women only groups.

I've led them, uh, uh, myself, um, in my practice and they are distinctly different in how they play out the women only meetings that I do that are the, um, uh, uh, processing groups that i do and the men only processing groups and i'm going to get back to that but anyway so women will come in they feel supported and they're communal so they're immediately accepted and kind of brought in it's like i i always kind of think of it as like they have their arms open towards those who come into the

rooms and they they embrace them i'm not not you know, physically and mentally. They embrace them. So when a woman comes into a meeting, she's embraced. Whereas men come in, they feel so, you know, they're solo animals in that way and they walk in and they don't feel embraced because they're not going to be embraced. Just period. I feel uncomfortable with that. And they're emotionally in that place where they're uncomfortable.

So there's a reluctance to join in on a group and the purpose of it and the need for it and then the ability So and now on a sidebar with that on the process groups that I do. It's interesting. The ability of men to express themselves and to share is very, very guarded and protected. And I've also experienced this in rehab centers that I've done work in and detox centers. Same kind of thing. The fewer the words, the better. That's their thinking, right? I don't want to reveal too much.

So they don't talk women on the other hand, um, uh, the complete opposite. They, they enjoy talking. So I, as the, as the leader of the process group, as the clinician leader, um, I have to prepare for the group. So I always want to come in with two topics that I've heard from them because they're all, um, typically my clients in these groups, um, as a requirement, I have that.

So I know their background so I can kind of prompt and move them along in that process, uh, piece of the group experience and so when somebody is coming into the group they're going to experience somebody who's leading the meeting as a clinician that knows them so a group of men will get together I come in with my two topics and the men are there and they might say hello to each other as they come in they sit down and then they're silent and that silence is deafening I mean, it's like I know

there's some tragedies in this room and they know it, but there's just this deafening silence. And I'll wait and I'll wait and I'll wait. And eventually somebody will say something and you're all thinking something, but nobody wants to be the first to talk. Sometimes I have to actually go ahead and prompt them and I begin because they just can't seem to get themselves to that place where they can be open. And somebody will say something.

They'll mention something about how they feel about something or an experience. More typically, it's an experience. And there's silence. There's just no response. And it will take a minute. Sometimes it's gone as long as a minute and a half, which is a very long time in a meeting with 10 people sitting in a room being silent. It's like being in an elevator room. There's just silence. And then they will begin to throw out occasional things here and there.

And usually about a half an hour into the meeting, there's a genuine conversation going on and there's more openness. Women, on the other hand, the groups I've led, there's eight or 10 women. I come in, I've got my two topics. Everybody says hello. I say, how's everybody doing? And they say, fine. And then I say, does anybody have anything they want to say? And then I don't get to talk for the next 40 minutes. Because there's no need. Because there's no silence in that room.

They're doing the female communal thing. And they're sharing these experiences. They're sharing with each other. This topic leads to this one, which leads to that one. And that is kind of, as a whole in recovery, that's what I've experienced with my clients. Women need that communal support. Men need that communal support. But women are more prone to... joining in on that than men are. And so that's just kind of the norm.

So the third thing that I've noticed is a difference between men and women is that women really focus on their emotional experience of shame and sadness at their... Again, I'm using finger quotes.

They're failing as a mother... wife girlfriend partner employee because of their substance abuse and substance addiction they they feel that emotion of that shame and that upset about it and they express it they express it more freely men do not like to feel that they are making mistakes and they don't want to really feel the impact of it they shy away from the idea of the experience of of that shame and so they are less apt to engage in it. So I do it with men when I'm working with them.

It's small doses. They can handle small doses. So they'll express something, and I'll let them feel that. Maybe they're upset about it. Maybe they are sad, and they might actually cry. I let that sit with them for a while, and it kind of resonates in their head because that's them... That is their attempt at processing, right? They're processing. Processing is a clinical term we use, but it means just basically feeling your feelings. And so I'll let them process that. Don't interrupt.

I don't have to partner with them. It's quite interesting. They don't want a partner in that sadness. So, you know, I tell people their main job is to have them make me feel what they're feeling. And, you know, They're just in there. They're feeling it. They're expressing it. But that's kind of as far as they want to go with it. And then we'll move away from that discomfort. Because that's tough for them. They don't want to stay in that place for too long. And it's kind of stewing that emotion.

So we move away from that. And then we come back to it. And I'll affirm and I'll validate the feeling they just expressed. And then I move on to something else. And then we come back to it. Women. They want that partnership and that emotion. They want that partnership and that feeling, even if it's a bad feeling and they're crying or upset. And they can stay in that place. They can stay in that place much longer than men.

So if you're sitting in a chair with a therapist or you're working in a group and you're feeling bad, you're feeling those emotions, sad, frustrated, whatever, and you're really feeling it, that's a good thing. and understand the difference between men and women is that women can stay there for much longer and tolerate it and experience the processing of that emotion more than men can. Men tend to want to get away from it a little bit and I allow them to do that.

And I know there's other clinicians that may have other thoughts about that that differ from that, but that's just my own experience and my own preference. It works for me, and it works for my clients. So that's what I use. It may be different for other clinicians. But be that as it may, feeling the emotion, processing the emotion is done very differently by men and women. And there's a lot of reasons why.

So the fourth thing that I noticed as a difference between men and women in recovery is that the... I want to make a distinction here. An accident versus a relapse.

You go out and you drink, you know, once you get drunk one night if you're an alcoholic and you don't you get up the next day and you feel full of remorse and you don't want to do it again that's an accident you slip and have a drink or two that's an accident you go out for a you know three or four days a week two weeks a month that's a relapse you're in this full-blown relapse um i know in the rooms in aa uh for example with alcohol they see that differently any alcohol that crosses your lips

you restart the clock and You get your 24-hour chip. It doesn't matter if you've been sober for a day, a month, a year, 10 years, 20 years, 40 years. It doesn't matter. They consider that a relapse. And that's fine. I'm good with that. But in my office, I see that as an accident. And I don't give my clients permission to go out and drink and have an accident.

But I want to make sure that there's a distinction and a proper labeling of that so that they feel like they have another place they can go with this. Okay. So accident versus relapse, that's the distinction. But men and women experience those things differently. I've experienced that with them. That's been my clinical experience. Women, because they very much cling to their emotional being more so than men do, they see a relapse as something that is a mistake. They feel bad.

I get women hiding their accidents much more than men. It's really that. And I don't know if it's because I'm a male clinician, but men will come in and just kind of outright. Tell me. Yeah, they were, you know, they went out and drank last night or they'll call me and tell me while they're doing it. Cause I tell them to do that. Just, you know, if things are going bad, you call me and let me know. They'll, they'll do it. They'll, They don't have a problem with admitting it.

It's like, hey, I screwed up. Women, on the other hand, they're not so quick to do that. And again, I don't know because I'm a male and I've always been a male. I don't know if it's because of the male energy. And maybe there's a fatherly kind of energy I put out or something. But they're not so quick to admit.

they don't they don't like to have those admission things going on and it's again it's a feeling of uh interestingly like they feel like they let me down uh my male clients don't feel like they let me down um female clients do they will say that i i let you down which is interesting because i'm the clinician i'm not you know it's like you're not letting me down you're You had an accident or you relapsed, and that's fine.

I have some standards, and I'll get the question about, well, are you still going to work with me? Of course I am. This is part of recovery, like the accidents or even the full-blown relapse. It's a constant threat of relapse, so recovery is dependent on recovery. What you do after you have that accident or relapse, like I say at the end of my podcast, it's not how many times you fall down, but how many times you get back up. So get back up. But men will openly admit it.

They do feel shame and embarrassment about that. And they feel anger because they're goal oriented. And so this is a failure. Right. So there's no achievement at the end of that. And so going and crawling back into the rooms and get your 24 hour chip after you've had 23 years of sobriety is shame inducing. But the people that are in the room, they don't see it that way. It's like they look at you and they're like, wow, you know, OK, I'm glad you came back.

Females, they want to share that – emotion that the emotional experience they're having of the accident or the relapse and they want to share that emotion or that feeling once they begin that sharing process there is a sense of immediate relief for them that's that's what i see and what they're looking for is some kind of forgiveness messaging coming from other people you know it's like that's okay that's what we do let's let's let's start again and and what you know how did that happen That's a

question that they ask. How did that happen? What was wrong with me? Men, no, you failed. Start over. Period. So their tolerance of failure for men, men's tolerance of failure is much lower.

than women um women are are almost okay with with those they get all upset about the fact that they are again helpless and i you know it's probably because men are taught that they are supposed to conquer and overcome and women you know that's not a messaging you give your your daughters usually it's so maybe they encounter and experience it differently that way so that's That's that.

And I think finally, the other part of the difference between men and women in recovery is that men, because they're linear thinkers, they're goal oriented. So, you know, problem solution options, implement, evaluate, move on. And they're very linear in that way. And you don't like looking backwards or going backwards.

So if you give them goals, like get through today, one day at a time that, you know, bill w well bill's a guy you know that makes sense that he would say that like today is the day i'm going to get through today and that's my goal and i got through today and now tomorrow's the next day and i'm going to get through this day women um uh tend to focus more on the experience of recovery in in that as opposed to a goal of recovery um all addicts want Everything right now. That's universal.

Lack of patience. That's a given. But for that experience, they want it right now. Yes. Okay. But the experience of recovery is where women... where they're at. And so they want to experience health. They want to experience recovery. They want to experience the healing. Men just want it to have happened so they can get back to work, back to life, back to, you know, it's a different viewpoint.

So when a man is trying to get into recovery and he's got, you know, these ideas about goals and targets and things like that, I'm okay with doing that with them, and I do, but I am very cautious about it because I don't want people focusing on goals because if they don't achieve it, then they feel like they're a failure, and then they're going to go back to using, and it's this whole horrible cycle. But did you get through today? I want you to go to a meeting today.

I want you to watch a podcast or a YouTube video or listen to a podcast today to do that. Let's do that. And what I want you to do is for the next week, I want you to watch something or do something for 30 minutes to an hour that's dedicated solely to your recovery. See, that's a goal, right? So they can go and do it. And if they come back and they say, yeah, I did it twice, but then I didn't the other days, we can have a conversation about that. It's a small goal.

It's achievable, attainable, and they can do it. Women, on the other hand, they really want to experience recovery. You know, it's not a goal. It's an experience. So it's harder to get some structure around a female client for me because they're not goal-oriented as men are only focused on goals usually. So experientially, and that's why it's important to get into the community and to have the ability to have the experience. I'm experiencing this.

And women typically are aimed at, I want something to look forward to. So if you're looking forward to something and you want that thing to be recovery, how do you get there? So trying to structure their recovery around the experience of recovery So it's an experiential thing as opposed to men who it's more goals and targets and they're having the experience. Yes. And then trying to get them to tap into the emotional conditions that got them there, which is always trauma.

That's a whole nother topic. And I'll do a podcast on that one in the future. Maybe the next podcast I'll do on that. But trying to figure out a way to get them to be able to have the experience while they're achieving goals and for women, trying to have them reach goals while they're having the experience. That's kind of how I look at it. They're doing the same thing. It's from a different angle, different side. Male side, female side.

And thank God we have males and females, because if we didn't have males and females and we were just kind of all, you know, asexual beings that reproduced at will and didn't have differences in male and females, we'd probably have a lot of problems in the world because... experiential feeling emotion and more purpose-driven, goal-oriented males on one side and experiential females on the other side. Together, we balance each other out very, very nicely.

And in recovery, that's why I think it's important for if you can get the sexuality part out of it, if you can get men and women together and working on that recovery, it's good because they can help guide and teach each other. But then it's really important to have male bonding and female bonding in recovery. It's safe. There's not a threat. There's no distractions. And there are groups, you know, in my area, we have a group called Stepping Stones.

It's male only and they're old school, smoking in the room, drinking coffee and yelling at each other and beating each other up. And every time I describe the process at Stepping Stones to women, they're horrified because it's how guys are. Women, on the other hand, their meetings seem to be very talky-talky and feeling, and men are horrified by that. That's just repellent to them, I know.

But it's important that you, in recovery, you seek those out, and you seek out that gender connectivity because of the way you think and how you process and your approach to recovery. So men and women do approach recovery differently. And it's good as long as you understand that there is that difference. And you can engage in that difference. So it looks different for everybody. But ultimately, our goal is to get sober and clean. So please... Go out there and do that.

And that's it for this podcast of Doc Jacques, your addiction lifeguard. I hope you enjoyed it. I did. And I hope you will come back and listen to another. And I look forward to doing more in the future. If you have topic suggestions, as always, or you want to be a guest on the show, please reach out to me. I am very open and willing to do that with anybody and everybody about recovery. So let's get clean, stable, and sober. And Remember, it's not how many times you fall down that matter.

It's how many times you get back up. And God did not put you on this planet to suffer and fall down and die. So don't let addiction win. Thanks for listening.