Change is gonna come. But whose change?

to be real clear about what this podcast is intended for it is intended for entertainment and informational purposes but not considered help if you actually need real help and you're in need of help please seek that out if you're in dire need of help you can go to your nearest emergency room or you can check into a rehab center or call a counselor like me and talk about your problems and work through them but don't rely on a podcast to be that form of help it's not it's just a podcast it's for

entertainment and information only so let's keep it in that light all right have a good time learn something and then get the real help that you need from a professional change we're going to talk about change today and the question is is change possible And that's a question that many people have, especially if they get involved in drugs and alcohol and what they got to do to get clean and sober. And we hear that all the time in meetings and groups.

It's like there's only one thing you got to change to get clean and sober. Everything. But the question is, is change. What is change? And then is change possible? So. Is change possible? Well, it has to be because otherwise everything stays the same, doesn't it? So if you're going to change and it's possible, then who has to change? So in relationships, we have troubles with people and we struggle and then we fight and we want the other person to not be doing whatever it is they're doing.

Oh, that's great. But then you're subjecting yourself to their stuff, right? So you expect them to change. And it's interesting because people usually don't see that there's relationships are two ways. It's a two-way relationship. You have a relationship with somebody and they have a relationship with you. And in the case of addiction, you've got a relationship with your drug of choice and it's got a relationship with you.

So if you want to stop using your drug of choice, what are you going to have to do? You're going to have to change. So is change possible? That's the first question. But who's change? Is it yours or is it theirs? So if we were to look at what happens when we experience difficulties in our life and our problematic relationships, whether it's with a person or a job or a spouse or a drug or a situation or even yourself, you've got to look at what's going on in that life.

So when we make that change, we look at the thing or the person and say, that's got to change. I'm going to change my job. But think about this.

If you're working at a job and you don't like your job, you're miserable because you don't like the company, you don't like the people you work with, you don't like the type of work you do, and you change jobs, but you're going for the same type of job because that's what you do, Let's say you're a software engineer or a scientist or you work at a grocery store or a gas station. Well, what are you going to do?

You're going to go look for a job at another location that's the same type of work because that's what you do. And you go there and you find out you're miserable there too. Or if you're in a relationship and you end up getting divorced because the person that you married is kind of a nightmare. And you wanted them to change, but they wouldn't. So they're cheating on you. They're lying to you. They're abusive. They're negligent. They're abandoning. I don't know, something going on.

And so you get out of that relationship. You've signed a piece of paper that says, I don't. After you've signed a paper years ago or months, hopefully years ago, that said, I do. And now you're signing one that says, I don't. And you get out and then what do you do? You go find somebody that you think you're comfortable with, which ends up being a very similar person to the one you were in the relationship with in the first place. So now you're in the same situation.

So you either quit your job and you go and you go work for another company, another person, and it's the same type of work and you're miserable. You get out of a marriage or a dating relationship and you end it because you just can't take that person and their behaviors and you go find somebody pretty much like them and you start all over again with the same kind of relationship. Or maybe it's a friend and you have a friend that you don't like being around the friend because they're problematic.

Same thing. You're just kind of repeating the cycle. And in the case of when you're experiencing... depression and sadness and you've had all these traumas and you're only coping as a drug of choice and it's not doing you any good because it's not getting you what you needed so you stop using that then what do you do?

you probably go find some other thing to get addicted to so you switch from cocaine to crystal meth because it kind of gets you going or alcohol and then you switch to marijuana or heroin and you switch to alcohol and then you end up in the same place So, maybe you need to change your viewpoint. How about that? So, is change possible? Sure. But what are you changing? Or who's changing?

My belief, after doing this work for so many years, is that what you need to change if you're going to change somebody else is you change yourself first. Because the quickest way to get somebody to change that you're in a relationship with is to get them to change is to change you. If you change yourself, it changes the dynamic, doesn't it? It changes how you see the world and interact with it. It changes your viewpoint. It changes your mood. It changes your health.

If you don't react the same way, the other person is going to eventually adapt around it. There's a philosophy of approach to change in psychology about agents of change. And you have to have an agent of change. Well, that agent of change can be you. Many times what we do is we look at the other person or the situation and we point our fingers at them and say, I can't stand what you're doing. You need to stop doing this.

The problem is your happiness and the outcome of that is dependent on another person. Maybe they're not motivated to change. You're motivated to get them to change because you can't stand it anymore. But they're not. And what about the use of drugs and alcohol? I don't like the outcome of my drinking. It makes me stupid or it makes me angry. It makes me careless or whatever. Well, okay, so those are the things that alcohol causes. Well, that's part of you. And it's part of what you do.

So maybe if you change... the consumption of alcohol, your drug of choice, you might actually have a change occur in yourself. So you've become the agent of change. If you don't like what's going on around you, the quickest way is for you to change, to make that thing that's going on around you different. I was talking with a client the other day and they were struggling with the idea of The environment they were in. And it caused them to, as I say, get their sneaky on.

And started lying to their therapist. Who was me. And they had been using. But they didn't disclose it. And they were doing it very privately. Then they started doing it publicly. And the people around them started noticing. Because this is a person who is supposedly in recovery. And yet they're using one of their drugs of choice. That doesn't sound right. So when the final disclosure happened, it's like, hey, I've been using. Really? Hmm. I think it to myself. Why didn't you tell me?

Because it had been going on for a while. It's like, why didn't you tell me? Well, the reason they didn't tell me was because they were embarrassed and they were upset and they thought maybe I might be judgmental.

He said, well, I don't like that I'm using again. Okay. Well, the stupid short answer is stop using, but I know it's not that simple. So it's like, all right, well, tell me about your usage. Tell me about what's going on. Tell me about everything. And don't leave anything back. Just tell me everything. Tell me about everything that's causing you to go into this place where you're using again.

And after a long... detailed kind of insightful look at their lives and what they've been doing they realized that it was their environment the people around them that said it's okay for you to use even though they some of them not all of them but some of them knowingly were saying it to somebody who they believed was actually sober so you got a judgment an error in judgment on the people that are around you because They're okay with you using, even though you have been working diligently on

your recovery. So those are people now that you can look at and say, they're probably not going to change. But the reaction that person had was to tell them, hey, when I'm using, tell me I'm not supposed to use. That was an interesting take. So their usage was being caused by the environment and the people they had surrounded themselves with, and they wanted the other people to say to them, to this person, stop using. So is change possible?

Yes. But now the addict is making the observers and the enablers responsible for reminding them to stop using. Well, that's not going to happen then, is it? I mean, logic dictates that if you're using and people are around you saying, hey, it's okay that you're using, what's their motivation for doing that? And how is that motivation going to shift from that to one of preserving that person's life? It's not going to happen. So is change possible? Yes. The way that that scenario is playing out?

No. So who has to change? Whose change is it? It's the person who has relapsed. So, The suggestion is get away from that environment. See, so now as an addict, if I'm in an environment where it's triggered me to use again, if I get out of that environment, guess what happens? I'm probably not going to be as triggered to use. So my relapse has a better chance of ending. So the issue is whose change is it? It's you. So what you're working on in recovery is you're working on changing yourself.

You're not trying to change the world. Many, many times people get misdirected, deflecting their own recovery, and they start focusing on other people, other addicts, and they jump too far ahead in the 12-step process, step one, My life's become unmanageable. Step 12, go out and help others in their recovery. Spread the word. Well, they'll jump from like step 6 to 12 and they forget all the other stuff. And it's a matter of, I don't really want to work on my own recovery. It's too hard. Why?

Because what I'm doing is I've identified all my problems and now I have to change. I don't want to do that. It's too hard. Or I'm not ready to change. So they start working on other people. It's a distraction. That's a distraction. That's what we call it in recovery. It's a distraction. Don't distract yourself. Change. So when that change occurs, you're changing yourself.

If the world around you is chaotic and that's the cause of a big part of your problem, then get out of the world that you're in and change the environment around you. People, places, things. Now, I'm going to preface that. Well, I've already said it, so I can't really preface it. But as I begin to that, if you change your location, we call that in recovery a geographic cure. It doesn't work.

You can't move from here geographically to there and expect that that is going to make you get clean and sober. It won't. However, if you are in an environment that is full of drugs and alcohol, and you are a drug addict or alcoholic, guess what's probably going to happen? You're probably going to pick back up. So if you work in a bar or you work in a restaurant that has a bar and alcohol is your drug of choice, not going to be a good environment for you.

So that's when it's not a geographic cure, but it's part of the cure. So when you change yourself, not the world, as a philosophical approach to recovery. What you're doing is you're working on your recovery by changing you and not trying to change the world around you. I've talked many times about boundaries. Boundaries are those things that help you. They help protect you. It's like the armor.

I was telling somebody the other day, it was kind of like in that TV show, Star Trek, when they say, shields up. The shield is an energy force around the ship that keeps the weapons that they're firing, the phasers or whatever they're called, firing at their ship. It stops them. It doesn't do it permanently in that show, but it can and it will protect the ship. So it's like a protective barrier. It's kind of like being in a castle. You have a moat and then you have a tall wall.

So that creates an environment where you can protect yourself. That's what boundaries are. They're a protective force, a shield around you. And so maybe changing yourself requires you to find a way to be able to protect yourself. Protect yourself from whatever's going on, right? So you change yourself. You focus on changing yourself. You don't focus on trying to change the world. Change yourself. Because that... will help you get into sobriety and will also keep you there.

Part of that is I have no boundaries. Then put boundaries down. Part of it is these people are going to cause me to get back into my drug of choice and get away from those people. Your job, it's too stressful. Go get a sober job for a while. Then maybe change careers. Maybe being a trader as a commodities trader or maybe being a high-pressure salesman It's not good for you because it's unpleasant. It makes you uncomfortable, and being uncomfortable makes you want to use. So change that, right?

So I'm going to change me. Maybe I'm going to go back to school and get some training and do something else. Maybe I'll go from being a trader to being a writer about trading. I'll analyze trades, and I'll make publications. I'll make my own website. There's a great website called Mr. Money Mustache. Mr. Money Mustache is a guy who just changed careers. He just quit what he was doing and started writing about finance. It wasn't his training, but it was something that he had a passion about.

He made a business out of it. Go do something like that. Change yourself. Change yourself, and it will change the world around you. If you try to change the world around you first, you're not going to ever change. What I find is a lot of clients really want to focus on changing the world because that's a distraction for their recovery. They really can't get their arms around the idea that the world actually isn't going to change. So they distract themselves with changing the world.

They think they're really doing something. And many times, like in recovery, when somebody starts working on the first parts of recovery, what I'll see in the first six months is this real energy they get around the idea of change. And they'll start seeing other people and trying to get into recovery. And they get all distracted with trying to help them. And it's interesting when they get lost in that.

It's like in the 12 steps, if you're not familiar with them, the last step, step 12, is where you go out and try to help others move into recovery. And it's a calling. And some people answer the call and they do it and other people don't. And there's not a question about whether or not you should or shouldn't do it. It's whether or not you should be doing it for you or for them. And so if you're doing it for them and you're early in recovery, you are distracting yourself from your change.

And I see it all the time. Clients will come in and they'll start wanting to help other people. And I'm like, oh, so you're their sponsor now? You're going to act as their sponsor? You're only six months in or eight months in. What are you doing? You can't do that. They argue with me sometimes about it. They're like, yeah, but no, this is really helpful. It's helpful to who? Change is possible, but distractions around change.

If it's not another addict they're trying to help out, sometimes it's a project. It can be not related to recovery.

They want to get really involved and remodeling their house or coming up with some new business idea or something and these are all changes that they're trying to implement and the problem is that the change that they're engaging in is not about their recovery and when you distract yourself from from your real purpose of recovery which is to change you which is very difficult and many times people don't want to change and you distract yourself by changing stuff around you, inevitably that's the

person that relapses. So they go from, they were, you know, embracing the idea that they wanted to get sober to they started embracing the idea that really what they wanted to do was not get sober but not give up drinking or using drugs. So let's be frank and honest about what change is. Change starts from the very core of you and works its way out. towards everybody else. It does not change externally in environment and people and work its way into you.

So the very essence of you, your soul, if you will, is what you have to change. And that takes a big jump. It's a deep dive into perhaps a very dark place. So that's why I encourage people in their recovery to start to work with a professional because you got to work with somebody that can do that deep dive with you into your dark place. Otherwise, you're not going to change. Thus, the problem of reluctance to change because I don't want to go to that dark place.

So when you're with somebody who can guide you through that process, whether it be a sponsor or a therapist, or a friend who's been through recovery, something, right? That's when you got to go back to the idea of the higher power. You know, somebody that's been there, somebody that knows, that has experience and the knowledge and the wisdom about how to get out of that dark place you're in that can show you what that's like and can challenge you at times when you need to be challenged about it.

So change. Is it possible? Absolutely. But it starts... with the engagement of the idea that change is possible, but also with how do I change and what am I changing? So the question I'm posing for people today is, is change possible? The answer is yes. But who's change? It's your change, not theirs, yours. And once you change yourself, everybody else around you begins to change as well.

And if your change includes not being around certain people, not being around certain situations, not being in a place where you can fall prey to the bad stuff, then that's the change you need to engage in. If it's you that needs to change and there are behaviors and thoughts, then you need to be in front of somebody who can challenge that. and challenge you on those negative thoughts, those ideas you have of yourself. That's why change begins with understanding what it is you need to change.

So please, please engage in step four in some form with somebody. Fearless searching moral inventory of your character defects because that's where change starts to happen when you realize or you find out all the horrible things that need to change. So my firm belief is that if it is you who needs to change and then the world around you, what you do to begin that process is figure out what needs to be changed. So change yourself, not the world. And then the world will change around you.

And it will be a very positive change. That's it for this episode of Doc Shock, Your Addiction Lifeguard. I hope you enjoyed this episode and you learned something from it. And if you did, please leave a comment somewhere on a review and you can subscribe to this podcast. I really would appreciate that too.

And I hope that if you are looking for a way to get into recovery, you can reach out to me through my website, wellspringmindbody.com and talk to me, Doc Shock, about how to get Clean and sober. Maybe for the first time, or if you've struggled with it for a long time, for the second or third time. It's never too late to get clean and sober. So if you need help, please go get it. And thanks for listening to this episode of Doc Shock, your addiction lifeguard. See you next time.