S4 - Ep. 70 - Karen & Chris

Hey, it's Chris Fairbanks, host of the podcast you're currently listening to. I have just a weekend of shows I'd like to announce at the end of the month here in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, January twenty fourth and twenty fifth, I'll be at the Laughing Tap Comedy specific comedy Club. Get tickets at Chris Fairbanks dot com. Thank you and you're welcome.

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there.

Doesn't matter how much baggage you clean.

Give us time and they turning on engage.

We want to send you uf instil.

We want to welcome you back home.

Tell us all about ity scared or was it fine? Melbourne?

Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need.

With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chrisphairbanks and this is Karen Kilgarriff. We're doing our first musical epison.

Do you feel about it?

It's so far so it was a minor over sight adding this choreography. Why are we dancing? To an audio show.

It doesn't really make sense that we're singing either, because we're not that good at it, and this isn't that entertaining.

I hope a lot of people didn't just log off. Am I using that is it? Would it be a log off, It would be a full log off. Thanks for coming to Do You Need a Ride? Dot com slash http and logging on to our live net broadcast.

It's really more of a free form art vibe.

Yeah, this episode. I always say I'm good at improv, but that was before you know, people were asking me to do it. Now, when I get asked to do it or I'm suddenly doing it now, I'm just bad at it. Yeah, I feel like it's.

Like me and the Witch Jokes just cannot perform.

On the Today in a folder that is part of Instagram that I always ignore because it's like requests. I just noticed there's years of people saying, like the nicest people that for whatever reason, I think they have a private account. But I got a pitch for the end of the witch Joke from Just Today.

Robert Booth give Robert credit.

Yes, Robert Boose said, I was listening to Do You Need a Ride? With the witch moon joke. Can I propose a closer What if the witch says pumpkin rata toui and then cackles. But you still might need some sort of reflection statement, like I guess the universe is telling me to try new foods. He said pumpkin rata tooy, because again it was a there was a rat right in the.

Pumpkin, referencing what's already been described.

And I didn't I like that he was thinking, well, there's a rat in there.

Yeah, he's trying to make the joke work, Yes, as an actual joke.

And I really appreciate because you and I. The only reason I brought it up is I knew it was a mute premise.

Mute is that a new.

I think it is a null avoid present, A bad prem a bad premise. There we go, got you. Yeah, humpkin ratachuey, pumpkin rata chuy.

But then the in the witch voice.

Pumpkin rata chwey.

Again.

I don't know why I can't do a witch voice. I always turn into a cartoon villain.

How about well, because their witches culturally totally oppressed, completely bias opinion about who they are as people. Second, you see that hat, you're supposed to believe she's of the devil. It's munch bullshit. It's been go on for a long time. Let's not get into it.

Here's my pitch. Robert has inspired me. I think I've done it.

The Witch pulls up and goes, is it this season for pumpkin spice locked? As?

Oh, like, that's why the Witch stopped in front of the moon. She thought it was the beginning of a line to a drive through.

Yeah, it are you guys making pumpkins spice locked? Here's what I did. And this happens a lot in comedy writing, especially we're in a room together, only usually the genders are reversed. Robert pitch is a perfectly great solution to that joke problem. And I come in with a parallel pitch.

That's bad.

And then I'm just like, as if I'm somehow forwarding this conversation instead of sending it to.

The And then yeah, you get all the credit, yes, because I.

Just pitched a new different food basically of like, oh, what if it's a hackier food?

Well let me be Robert. Now, okay, well we could combine them both and say, is this the line for pumpkin spice rata touey lattes. I throw the ratituey back in just.

For Robert's sake. Yes, now he is a professional.

Writer, right, I don't know. I don't know Rob Titanic. Really no, the fans of this podcast.

Oh, far and wide, all kinds of people doing all kinds of things in the world.

I at the beginning of Bowling League the other night where I'm just an alternate.

Okay, so that means you're hanging out at the bowling alley hoping.

I yeh, I just it's weird. I just hitch. I hold my thumb out because I want which in the bowling world, lets people know I don't bowl with my thumb and the ball.

Oh yeah, I thought you. And you're like hitch trying to hitch onto a bowling team.

Well, then I'm worried that I'll just end up in a car and get abducted. I think in the bowling world they know what a thumbs up means. It means I just bowl with my fingers two fingers in thumb cradling the ball. Anyway, we were about to bowl and this guy was at the Roosevelt being basically choked out, trying to fight everyone, losing his mind why and I missed the part. I later found out he was just being a lunatic and having some sort of psychotic break.

That's horrible.

Yeah, yeah, it kind of takes the scheme out of my story because I'm I'm not saying the movies because I don't want I don't know why I want to. This guy was a dick, He has been a dick.

But he also that wasn't his choice. He was mentally unstable, right.

Right, And but everything I've read was like there was a time where he wasn't and he was talking about sobriety and buying the house and taking care of some kid that he had out of wedlock, and became the father like basically adopted this and cut to living in a hotel getting in fights because there's been no part two of Beep.

Yeah, the movie Beep, the movie Beep.

I don't know why I did that.

It's so dark because this town, truly you can have that life where you're like, I have it all, I lost it all, I got it all back. Wait, now I suddenly am addicted to fentanyl for some reason. Wait, everything is possible. And also it's kind of boring. It's the most confusing town to live in.

Yeah, yeah, AD do it that. It's kind of boring.

It's kind of boring.

I think that it's an exciting place to live. But no matter what you think of that sounds exciting, there will be no parking.

There will be no parking.

And if you are, if you're working on the exciting thing, you're working your ass off to a degree that's insane. Right. So this guy that was upset was basically probably like I poured my heart and soul into this. I started this career and you're telling me it doesn't go forever.

Yes, fuck you, guys.

But was the most hateable person when I came into his life, sure, because he was like trying to fight people. And the guy was like, please get to stop, because for some reason the security wasn't immediately taking care of it. I just I witnessed all this happened, and he was just throwing punches.

And you weren't right in there trying to throw punches like you love to do.

No, I was actually scared. Oh yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I And it was right after I hit my boxing boxing coach my box. Okay, I've been playing bochi ball.

Yeah, admitted the story about.

Boxing was all fabricated. I threw a botchy ball at the coach's face.

And when you're talking about boxing, do you mean bowling?

I every story. I've never even stood on a skateboard. I've been talking about bowling this whole time.

Lives Lives, Lives, otho, the old story of boxing. When you punched your boxing Yes.

I pretend that, Uh, episodes we recorded months ago just happened.

Okay, No, it's all fresh for you.

Yes, yes, it's all fresh trauma. But I know I when someone is being uh you know, held down because they're losing their mind and they're big and they have nothing to lose and they have a wild look in their eye and they're drunk, all those things, and I'm like, calm walking into ball. Yeah, I do not. Yeah, even if I'm even I'm wild eyed, I don't want anything to do with it. I just talked tough. Well.

You also, it's like it's much easier to get into a fistfight with like a drunk stand up comic than this kind of uh you know, X factor.

You have no idea what that could bring in your door.

And I've never I've never gotten that fight with a drunk stand up comic. There's been, you know.

Just that lady security guard.

Well, let me remind you. She was antagonizing me while vaping and I called her vape cop. Okay, that's not that, okay, all right, vape cop okay. But that was in Portland and the security at a party who was bothering me because there was the bathroom. There's a huge line. I went by a dumpster. We were in an industrial area, no one was around. She hunted me down people around, not by the dumpster. I was going to the bathroom

You're not allowed to do that in public though, No, you're right, So I should have just said you're right.

Said said, thank you, vape cup.

You've taught me a valuable lesson about peeing.

Yes, because I understand. Yes, it's a serious law. What if a child was out at two am in the industrial part of Portland behind am and saw my mutilated genitals, was traumatized. I don't want to get into it. It was a bully accident.

Please don't do not. We have to circle back around. So I'm sorry. When you were thumb out bowling, that was and the and the man wanted to fight everybody because he used to be famous. Yes, that was at Oh that's a new place that they're putting there.

That's good. I like that. I like how they're trying to mimic the architecture of the nearby whatever restaurant. That's fancy smokehouse. Smokehouse, doesn't it have has gables and looks like and whatnot? And and eves and me if you will, uh sorry again the bull so thumb.

Out come out.

Well, but Roosevelt, if you've never been listening to the Roosevelt Bar, it's in the Roosevelt Hotel, which is a historic gorgeous hotel on Hollywood Boulevard.

Lots of famous people have been there, and there is a.

Bar on the second floor stairs up, and it is so beautiful.

We had our Christmas exactly right Christmas party there last year.

Oh yeah.

And they have two lanes of bowling kind of in the middle of this fancy, old dark wood bar.

Yeah. And and the shoes are cobbled by a designer. They're like three hundred dollars shoes that you get to wear.

Yes, is that true?

Oh?

Yes, I'd remember I got to wear Kelly Green shoes and I wanted them. And there's like a bowling caddy guy that keeps the score and he has suspenders and gives me a lot of tips. He's like, last time, you release the ball right at the line. This time, I want you to like unsolicited but correct advice. Yea, the only kind of unsolicited advice I'd like to receive. Yes, And he's helped me be a better bowler and a better person.

Nice. I love that.

But yeah, that it was that that place.

Is because you weren't just getting bowling tips. You were being.

Taught how to take notes, how to take constructive criticism right hard.

To do. The vape crop didn't do it right.

No, no, no, right exactly, giving any helpful options, no, like why don't you pee yourself while waiting in line? That was the only option I knew of.

She didn't understand you're the weird situation with your bladder.

Yeah exactly, ma'am. I know that vaping is just fun for you. For me, it's a way to shrink my prostate. Please leave me alone. And then I took a tug off her vape. You're a vape cop. I'm a vape purp.

I'm get ready for some vape justice.

What's my crime? Showing myself to the Department of Sanitations object without any eyes? I meant to say in an it you know it's fine.

Everyone understands you, except the vape cop. She doesn't know what the fuck you're doing.

Again, the next day riddled with regret, as I always felt the day after drinking. Sure I have not had I've not woken up with regret for two years now.

How does it feel?

It feels great? But so boring?

Yeah, it's pretty boring.

I found the police lady's number and I sent a text and said I'm sorry about last night. I'm the guy that was saying vape Cop being an idiot at the party. Please accept my apology, which I thought was it was a long, well worded better better wording than some than some things I've said currently tonight today I'm nervous. Okay, I'm on call.

Oh that's right.

You want to tell the people, we can, but really quick, vave Cop. I think you've told this, but I can't remember. Probably vape Cop. It's fresh to me. Vape Cop forgave you? Or was she like I said, okay, fuck her?

Then? Yeah? Right ya bake you caro. Sometimes it's a journey. Yeah, but you always meet me.

I have I know I have to, but you have to make me right. Is how we do.

Yeah, for you, the journey. There's a crosswalk and the don't walk is blanking, and I'm driving all around town, but inevitably we both meet.

You're driving all around town.

To meet you at the corner.

You're on foot with a tortured pet or something like that. So I'm always like, I don't want.

To get in this car.

Yeah, let's add to this analogy. Okay, I'm driving around town, trying late at night, trying to find a vet, a vet for my pet vet pet, Yeah, vet, pet, thank you.

I'm sorry. It would be a pet vet.

A vape vet, a vape vet, very dangerous for those.

Pets and for those vets. You know, weret talk about those that have served and the Chevrolet Corvette.

Why aren't we talking about it?

Why aren't we let's talk about.

Why can't we right now?

Let's do it?

But you know why because we have exciting news and you were about to say you're nervous right now?

Becalled, oh, thank you. See it's so not in the ordinary, not in the ordinary. Maybe I shouldn't get this call to night. The director Kimmel said, hey, are you? Is this your number? Chris? Is this Chris's number still? And I said, yes? Is is something happening tonight? Is? Actually? I said, is this a wedding invite? Because he had a crush on the singer of the band that opened for LCD sound System, I ran into him at LCD Sounds is.

Oh right, okay?

So as a joke he said, sadly, no, uh hang tight though, so hang tight means I will I will hang but I will be tight as a drum because I don't know if we have to drop me off at the El Capitan to do what. Who knows a character.

Could be A character could be a stand up comedy.

Do they do stand up anymore?

I don't know.

Yeah, do they?

I don't think so.

No, I'd probably be Yeah, we want you to be Matt Getz falling down the stairs or something great. I can do that.

You can do that.

Also, I'll come with my eyebrows done. Well he is I'm saying gry eyebrows.

That's true. Yeah, you go get botox. Yes, at some point.

Yeah, I think are you good at memorizing lines?

Or do you? When you do stuff there? Do you get to read off a teleprompter?

I don't think I am good at memorizing lines, but I do have more faith in my ability to memorize than to read a teleproctor. Yeah, so uh it, yeah, I I uh let's check. Let's check to see if I'm going to be on Kimmel doing god knows what. Nothing yet? Okay, nothing yet.

That's a pretty selfish, or at least maybe not super self aware thing for that director to write, because what if he's like hang tight because he was like eating a sandwich, and then when he's done. He's like, anyway, I'm probably gonna ask that girl up. No, it's like there's nothing to do with anything at all.

No.

No, he did say I wrote a sketch that oh yeah, oh nic, And I'm like, wait, does that shoot tonight?

That's what I'm waiting tight. So I'm not telling you anything.

It might be it's good for the future. And this is a friend of mine. Andy Fisher was a comic. When I was in Austin. He was in a duo with our friend Leon Mandel, who I don't know if I do not, they're the best and they were duo and Bob Odenkirk saw them once and produced a little

Like, I went in there.

Yeah, exactly, roll it, go to tape. He yells at people, you're fired. Now. It's very nice, but he's in that job where he probably intimidates you know, he runs that show. Yes, But to me, he's the same Andy that I don't think anyone there knows how funny he is as a performer because he's been a director for years.

That's his little secret. He gets to have that secret.

And I ran into it Andy and Leone LCD sound System, and it's so fun to hang out with them again just because Yeah.

It's also because usually a lot of the super brilliant comedians that I knew from early two thousands that were like really thinking of cool shit like that and funny and definitely individual. Like it's always a sad story, right, It's like no one goes and now I'm the director at Kimmel.

That almost never fucking happened.

Yeah, and Andy, uh ear Leon, his partner in the comedy, is in many things as a character. Actory. They're both doing great.

Will you show me a picture of Leon?

I will right now. I think you might recognize you better recognize. Let's see Leon Mandel seventy three, former publisher of Autoweek, dies, Oh, don't worry, it's a different Leon.

Thank god.

That's how you find out he's seventy three.

He looks great.

It's Nutso.

Here you go. Here's his ion b. This is I mean, thank you for sticking with us, and I'm sorry we bailed on our first ever musical episode.

Hey listener, you're welcome, You're welcome.

That's that's Leon. Okay, look at those two pictures. How did you He's wearing the same.

He faced Fucky photoshopped a different shirt onto two different Well.

The one eye is like, ooh, I'm kind of frisky. And then it's like that I became business.

That I'm breaking into your car as you stare at me.

Yeah, like one's wink about to wink.

That was director.

That's so funny.

I'm going to kill you.

Oh, welcome to the episode where we roast my friend's headshots.

Leon, you've been roasted?

Yeah, I just watched. Sometimes I forget that Andy Samberg has made me laugh.

He did, Oh my god, he did really funny.

He's so funny. And he did some roast where he's just complimenting everyone where he's like sez An Sari's here. His parents are from India and he grew up in North Carolina. How's it feel that have an interesting perspective on what it is to be American? Shit, Like he just said, I don't know, but I never butchered a thing more. I start to panic just now. Yeah, because any time you're doing someone else's.

Joke, okay, but here's the thing, you better get over that because you have to go to Kimmel tonight and nail.

It and do someone else's joke.

So do someone else's joke right now.

I'm getting it out of my system.

Okay, Yeah, fucking it up?

Yeah, Okay, good god, this podcast. I make a living off fuck them ups. No one knows. The minute we're done recording, I become the most confident, buy the book trained actor.

Yeah.

Uh and no one's ever seen it. No, because I save it. You save it for the big one. Yeah that's upcoming, right, Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spend all the stupid on this podcast, so I save up all the smarts for later.

Yeah.

You have to kind of clear it out, like a gasket or something in a car.

Yeah. Yeah.

Or's hair, he's Elvia's hair.

Yeah, that's perfect hair. And he knows it.

He's so stuck up.

I saw my unreasonably handsome garbage man. You kind of don't like it when I bring this guy up.

No, no, no, that was a kind of like wistful. I love a attractive garbage man.

It is. Well, now he's taken to I don't steroids. He's bulked up, he's ripped good. He looks like Gosling. But he's got some you know, Dahmer eyeglasses. So you know he's like either a killer or he's like a hipster guy. Yeah, but he's bulked up, about thirty pounds of solid muscle.

Nice.

And if this story's turning you on, I can tell its slower if you go to my only fans. I recite.

About other people who are a dragon.

Mostly laborers. In my neighborhood. Some are in a union. It's all hot, hot, hot, hot, hot hot union description porn.

Everybody. Everybody likes a pension plan.

Yeah that's whatever. Yeah, yeah, I go for the deep dark web and describe. Then just find me on there.

I feel like that person. I'm just going to do a quick guess of that person. I think I'm right.

Is if he's a Gosling looker in the first place, and you first swim skinny and he was being a garbage man.

Yeah, he just wasn't mute. He was ripped, but like, oh that guy runs marathons. Now it's like, oh he.

Squats, yeah, sinewy to beefy beefcake. And so I think he was an actor. That's like, I need a good job, good paying job. I got this in and it will be interesting for me. And then he starts doing it and realizes this is the look, this is the life. Like I am flourishing and thriving. Yeah, I'm now playing the part of the beefy garbage man.

Right.

No one wants a sinewy garbage man.

And from a distance, it's like, oh, look at that guy in Carharts that's ripped with a tight white T shirt that has some smudges on it. Then you get closer and you realize those smudges are any number of unspeakable things that I could now say.

Yeah, same sam boo boop.

I mean the garbage is the the dumpster, specifically where I see him often as a Petra's patras Burgers. It is the smelliest because they throw away I don't know, retired food, sour beef.

Fifty five year old food.

Yeah, and it is the smelliest, and it's just all over his shirt like that is a job. I maybe he has no sense of smell. Could be because that's what has kept me away from that business, is my gag reflet.

That's not what's kept you away.

I can't even stand having anything on my hands. I'm afraid to get my hands dirty literally, which yeah, with a lot of careers that you get a bad rap? Or is it rap? I'm seriously asking.

Oh, I don't know what you're what do you say the sentence again?

I if you are afraid to get your hands dirty, you get a bad rap in my business.

Yeah, rap is the saying.

But isn't rap accurate? Also accurate?

It's accurate, But I think getting a bad rap is like a rap sheet. I think it's from the fifties or earlier, so a rep is more current of like a thing you'd have and get what era?

And I've been waiting to roast you on this, but you know I'm a slow burner. What era is the pronunciation of Roosevelt Roosevelt? Gotcha? Gotcha? It took like ten minutes.

Roosevelt the Roosevelt. That's how I say.

We were born in the same area of California. Yeah, how is do you say President Roosevelt?

Yeah?

Oh wow?

Can you say Roosevelt Roosevelt?

Yeah?

Sorry, Now I'm having like a Mandela effect thing where I'm like, I don't know which one is right at all.

Tell me you don't smell toast, I mean goodbye, and I'm being I'm being a dick.

Sorry, No, you can't.

A lot of people say Roosevelt.

We have to pull on a lise into this one, because what the fuck is going on?

Right?

Like Franklin Delano, Deleanor Roosevelt. Yes, it's how I say.

Yeah, that's correct. Do you answer I pronounced it Roosevelt. But that doesn't necessarily mean that I'm that's two against one though. The thing I hate the most.

This school yard rules. If two against one.

I've lived my whole life to not be the one, and now I am.

Damn it.

The Roosevelt what what is that?

Well? That robot?

He doesn't know there.

Are there are certain areas I my friend's mom used to say, Hey, I washed your cloth. I used to find it charming.

Yes, that's a in California. That's a kind of central Valley thing. My friend Dave said worst and he also said a pin? Can you hand me that pin? Instead of wow? And also Bay Area my cousin's South Bay how an ax up like they.

You know, it was the eighties, but yeah there act.

I wonder how I would have sounded if I stayed in Mono. Hey, would you like to buy a glass dolphin sculpture? That's what I do for a living. Pardon me? You buy the war Do you need it? Extra fishermen? Because I fish, dude. I also though, make sculptures of fish with glass everything.

What if Kimmel calls you and they're like, we need a Monterey baye based surfer, dumb guy?

I would faint? I would would I'm gonna nail this so hard that I'm gonna faint, need to go to the hospital and miss the taping. But what a story. Yeah, it would be a story for the nurses that took care of me.

Look at this. Look at the path we're about to take. It looks like the fucking stock market, hower me. You know, there's so many fuck up left turns.

God, well, if it is a stock market, it is going up according to this map. So if you heard it here first, our destination is the twentieth of January, where it comes to a complete stop, noted by a black.

The dot that is. Yeah, well what Chris is looking at?

Yes? Hold, yes, I have to describe what I'm looking at looking at dude, Dude, I'm just describing what I'm looking at.

Did you ever snowboard or skateboard with people that talk like that? Do you think that's why this character is so readily available?

See it's so funny because yes, there was an accent that and I love one of my best friends ever, Ross came back from snowboard camp on ar and he kind of talk like this. He's like, yeah, it's pretty cool, dude, But it was a boise Idaho accent. He was hanging out with our good friend Greg and I went to Boise and I realized everyone in Boise kind of talks like this, and they it's I'm not even doing it justice because I am doing the surfer guy.

But there was something about like the delivery, like a subdued, tiny mouth, like tight lipped. They all talk like this, and but it's funny because it's not. It's Idaho.

So they're like, Oh, my dad's a sugar beet farmer, and it's pretty fucking gnarly. Dude, take that Boise God. This episode, it's.

Just like we're tearing you apart. I'm jumping on it. We're just tearing your ass, Karen and I.

Are ripping you to shreds be town, ripping you.

Idaho lot of white supremacy, a lot of whit frightening.

Amount, but also a lot of like, uh, I went to the gay Pride parade there and it was I was tears. Yes, I happened to get on the wrong side of the road and she knows that she had to look a panic. That's like, I don't have time to tell you, but I just got booked on something at Kimmel.

Oh that girl was taking her Surfa art.

As we speak, she knows nothing about the art scene in Monterey. Mosaics, dolphin paintings, dolphin sculptures.

Caramel caramel cararamel, saltwater, taffy stores, Teddy Roosevelt dolls, and Clan Eastwood's may oral office.

I told you at the time I saw Clane Swood in a car on Laurel Canyon Inventura right. No, I was coming up Laurel Canyon. He was coming down Laurel Ke and he was turning right onto Ventura. I was turning left on Ventura. So we were both in the intersection together staring at each other, and it looked like a poster for a clean Eastwood movie, except where it was him in a light blue Jaguar.

Wow, and it was cool.

Was it like an old Jaguar or a new one? Old?

And like it was like clearly his fancy movie star car but from nineteen eighty one.

Oh, that's that's great. Did he look at you and go, well, you're going to turn left? Punk?

He looked like he could have said that because his eyebrows.

I think he has the thing my dad has where it's just like constant eyebrow furrowing over nothing. So it looks like you're either thinking or mad all the time.

Yeah.

I think he has that too.

Yeah, it's it's he did always have those wild.

Eyebrows and that lack of an upper lip that brought the intensity to a boy.

Yeah. The only I watched In the Line of Fire recently. Great film it is, and it's one of those uh you know where John Malkovich is oh very good. Oh my god, Well he has the Nicholas Cage ability to not be good lately. May I go on a limb?

I mean, I am behind you and supporting you in this theory and purely just an opinion because clearly, oh look at there's the.

Is it an opinion or did you just get roasted Malcolvich?

Oh shit, Malkovich, even you're not.

Safe, No one's safe.

I love the idea that we would just talk to John Malkovich like he is a listener. You motherfucker. You've been here for fourteen years. Finally were coming at you.

Yeah. Yeah, but that movie.

We used to when we would come home drunk in the nineties, we would put it on. And I had a friend who knew all of John Malcovitch's lines because he worshiped the job he did in that movie so much.

Yeah, that it.

Was like a thing he had to reenact, right.

And it's funny because I watch it now and uh, maybe I'm becoming someone frustrated with my country. But a lot of what Malkovich says makes sense. Yeah, it's And then you've watched Clint Eastwood, who's supposed to be the hero, and he is a womanizing like like very sexually inappropriate all the time with the who's the main star? She's the best? Uh?

Is it Melanie Myron?

No?

Is it Melanie?

No, it's Julia Roberts. Let's just go with Julia Roberts or Julia Roberts type as it said on her audition papers.

What color hair does she have in? What was the length?

Brown? Uh?

Rene Russo? Oh she has red hair?

Yeah, yeah, red to brown. It's auburn, burgundy, burgundy.

She's such a good actress and she deserves more all the time. And it's ridiculous that she isn't like the legendary.

Actually so right, so good in it that he sings all these inappropriate flirty things and she just brushes it off and makes it seem like he's not saying terrible things because she's still in control.

And that was your woman in the nineties, right.

Yeah, it's it's it's funny what movies you watch and you're like, wow, this part doesn't hold up at all, And it's usually the way a woman's being treated in a script, like some coped up group of dudes wrote her to be that way.

A lot of divorces write in scripts in the nineties of a lot of people who are unsatisfied with their relationships.

Yeah, you take it out on the page.

Yeah.

Yeah, these women talking all the times like okay, sorry, it's one of the things he do.

Yeah, she just gets all soaked up in her work. She couldn't find the right man. But it's okay with Clint Eastwood. He was just giving a raw deal.

He's just gonna tap her on the ass a couple of times.

May I think there are yeah, there are some even physical things where it's like, oh no, you can't do that. But you can see that in a movie from twenty ten. They say and knew the wrong things.

Why in God's name would this be a street where the cross traffic doesn't stop?

Quick? Que I don't know that's a good.

Uh, I mean it seems dangerous.

She's good.

Yeah.

Yeah. Why is it so wide? It's only gonna make people go faster.

Also, why is everyone walking their dog right now?

Yeah?

Every single person?

Don't they know we're in Coyote City? Yeah?

Oh god, damn it.

Well what what happened the one protected intersection? It's the one you turned on?

Well, I guess dude, Okay, this should be okay. There's if there's a stop light down here. They just love to make your turn left when there's no stop light.

It's weird. When I one time I went to that house and loaded a tiny motorcycle out of the garage and into a truck. I can't remember who lived there or who I was with. Oh isn't that funny? How life is?

Are you gonna tell the story on Timmel tonight?

Yes? Yeah, they told me and just riff my favorite stories. I thought it open with that, okay, and then you know, close out with my new witch joke, one.

Witch joke with all the alts. Just read those alts off a piece of paper.

Yeah yeah, I think this, luckily is a scripted thing and it'll be quick. But who knows. What if they're like, we had a very involved, complicated James A doming And character and he can't do it. Then I would just faint like I can't I can't do I can't do what he does.

But your friend Andy knows what you can do, right. I mean as someone who's like.

Oh, look at this Christmas talas. Yes, snoopy on a motorcycle.

I love it. That's the headlight lights up. That's funny. I get. I still get excited for Christmas decorations.

Me too, because it's like it's some someone gives a shit in this area.

Yeah, I think it's that.

Yeah.

See that guy has embraced the coyotes by leashing a wolf, a timber wolf. I mean, how close that's not a husky.

Maybe it is, Maybe it is. It's weird though. Even huskies seem weird in LA. Aren't they hot?

Yeah? You would think, right, shave that thing, yes, But then sometimes when you shave them, they feel really embarrassed.

Yeah, that's true.

Other ones are like, let me in front of that mirror again. You don't know.

No, they're all different.

Yes, yes, it's oh there's a jaguar, it's clean eastern. Oh, don't look at them. Yeah, this is one of those areas where when I moved here, I'm like, oh, this must be where all the movie stars live, or at least actors that you see in things, And no, they live in more modest homes. These are I don't know what rich people do.

I mean, you know a lot of them just inherit wealth.

Right.

The guy just made me like almost pull over just because probably because he was an angry Republican.

Yeah, yeah, he just took up the middle of the road.

I can tell how you voted just by how you act on a uh surface street. Yeah, I can tell.

And I'm not letting you off the hook even if.

I'm wrong, right, I mean correct.

What would be the ideal sketch for you to be in on Kimmel tonight, dam dream a dream?

Well? I do like my idea about you know, Matt gets slipping in some sexual lubricant at some sort of a Epstein whatever. I didn't finish writing that one. Get good, but yeah, it immediately makes me think because Kimmel does so much political commentarian is monologue, sure that maybe it

Except you could do that. Yeah, definitely, Please don't do that. No, don't be racist. But what about is there anything you two talked about when you were bowling that would make him think you would?

Hey, you could actually come in and do.

This ohing you talk all the time. No, I hadn't seen those guys for a long time, and we didn't. We talked before the show, but then danced to music because it was that LCD sound System show, so it was like there wasn't a lot of there is the immediate catchup in the beginning.

So this could be a dancing sketch.

But it was so fun to be with two friends, even though we weren't speaking. It was so fun to like, the Palladium is so cool because it's a giant gymnasium and everyone. It took me a while before I would publicly dance, but by the end, everyone was dancing and it's so fun. You forget I mean, I could quote any number of Kevin Bacon's lines from Footloose right now. But it's it's there's a reason dancing's in the Bible.

Because it's so beautiful. Yes, and of the Lord.

Yes.

Yes.

Even John Lithgow would have done a headspin at the LCD sound System show. It was fun to see Andy and Leon dancing.

What if LCD sound Systems on Timmel tonight?

Oh man, they have a sketch where you were like the dancing guy.

Oh you know what? My if it were that there was a that song where he talks about all the bands that used to play at CBGB's. We talked about this already right where he's like mentions Yeazz and mentions uh other bands.

Uh.

If I was hired to do those mentions impressions of those singers, wouldn't that be fun?

Could you do? Almer?

Uh? I could, but we get sued because it's so real. I'm never gonna let you.

Go, don't go, I'm kenny.

It was. That was more like al Similie if she became a glass dolphin.

Sculptor, I'm go go to camel.

Well, when I was a kid, I'd listen to Yaz and uh, I would imagine, like when I listened to a lot of music, I imagine myself singing because I thought I didn't when you're a little kid, You're like, wait, I can't be the singer imagined if it's a grown lady singer. So now I have to imagine someone else singing. But I liked it when I was the singer. Yeah, but now I got to change my voice a little, and then I put do it anymore.

Oh okay.

But she has a very smoky, sultry and like when I first heard, well a lot of bands, like there's that rich, deep voice. And then when you're a little kid, that's like, why can't pretend I'm a lady singer? You know, kids are dumb.

Well, kids raised in a patriarchical society.

Choice, But I blamed my dad in the society I surrounded him. I can sing like Alison Noyer if.

You want to.

Is that her name alone. I've seen a couple of clips of her on TikTok recently. I think she did an interview somewhere. I think she did a festival where people went crazy because she was there, and it made me so happy, so happy.

She's the best.

Actually, maybe that was one of the albums my sister gave me upstairs at Eric's. Oh hell yes, and I I think it had to grow on me over years and years. I didn't like it until I was in my twenties.

Yeah, it's a certain it's a certain energy.

Yeah, it was like a Dancy type singing.

Can you me right love that kind of stuff?

Right?

Sorry, Jim, I'm sorry.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah that okay. I thought for a second that was I'm not remembering a lot of band names right now. I'm a bit friends, and you don't have It's right. I'd be terrible if this was a podcast about music.

I mean, I'd be bored.

If a podcast to Thank God, it's just roast. Take a left delivery boy.

Go to hell, you dumb Lime scooter rental salesman.

I bet that that band is filmed with charged up limescooters. It's a good side business.

I bet people make nice money.

I and I'm not kidding. I had a neighbor in Venice that apparently they only give you. They govern the amount of chargers you can get, and with one charging unit you can charge up to twenty scooters a night.

I mean spirit Catcher is kind of a fun uh.

A proton, Yes, I mean it's it's the ghost Catcher.

Ghosts.

I would not be surprised if that wasn't a prop from the movie.

Yeah, it really looked realistic.

Yeah, but then he opened his trunk and there were so many uh, plastic bottles, empty plastic bottles.

Those were ghosts and bottles, much like, uh, you know what else are you going to keep them in contained? True? Yeah, you just fired them in there and cap it and throw.

Them in your trunk.

Me like, I'm gonna I'm gonna bring these to the ghost recycling center soon.

God, the thirty five pending lives and need to be relived.

They have to get sent back up.

Wait, I think we just pitched a movie.

Yeah, it's Ghostbusters five. Yes, and it's more spiritual kind of a little Jesus.

Yeah yeah, Yeah, there's a lot of mention in the Lord. Actually Jesus comes back and actually accidentally gets hit my New York City bus and they have to there's a whole bunch.

Of Jesus gets hit by a bus.

Yeah, I'm back, everybody, time to get judged. Hong he's on life support.

And then he's like, I'm actually wondering how I got here.

Yeah, and they're like, oh, maybe we should pray to.

Not me. I'm off the clock.

That's his last words. And then and then the Ghostbusters for it coming soon? Or is it seven? I haven't kept track.

There's been plenty lately.

There's a I started watching the most recent and I stopped washing watching out of respect for past ghostbusters have passed.

Can you read truck for me?

Free estimates?

The name says it all, and then what's the name?

Ww colm? Oh, this business is over?

Oh no, you know why because those estimates are free. Yeah, don't fucking give people free estimates. You don't owe anybody anything.

Yeah, you're not even gonna be able to pay off the stickers on your.

Truck the names.

I don't do this for money. Go to freesthmus dot com where we're taking a bath over here.

The business is not doing well as free estimates dot com.

Did you see that other guy that was like on his way tour from work and he was just unloading his trunk because his car was smashed into a pole. No, oh man, goddamn, he did freehousepanning dot com.

The name says it all.

It's wearing all white. Oh should we help them? That'd be a very special episode. Maybe next episode we can pull over and help someone. Because we are recording and that's it.

I can't get involved.

It's my favorite Instagram video where they're like, hey, are you having trouble in life? Here's one thousand dollars. I love you and I'm always like on the fence, like, and all the comments are like, they wouldn't do that if there wasn't a camera. Yeah, so what they're really doing it?

They are doing it?

Yeah.

Have you seen the ones where they go to home depot where people are waiting to work outside, and then they're like they they get them all in the truck, like, yeah, are you ready for a job?

Have you ever been to Disneyland? And then they bring.

Ill Yeah, I love it they yeah, yeah, and they are having Yeah. They turned the little kids on the roller coaster.

Most of them have never been.

It's the And then they get money yeah, and they're just like, this has been the best day.

It's so precious.

I a long time ago in a panic in a meeting, a general meeting where I pitched the ideas that I liked, and they were like, do you have anything else? And I had seen I had just moved here and was kind of new to the world of like there being a lot of unhoused people and clearly people in need

I mean, because people have realized we're going to have to do this for each other because no one will fucking come and give anybody the kind of mental health services that they should actually have.

Right Yeah, Yeah, Luckily I just got callous to it.

Also, I love were like at Comedy Central pitching let's help the homeland.

Oh my god, it was comedy, so I really I can't. I think I got confused because it just said viacom on the wall. I'm like, that's all types of media. What about I'm oprah, I help people. Where are the jokes? Oh, there's no jokes at all.

And I worry about those jokes. It won't be funny.

And don't mind that I'm crying right now right of this is a problem, like as like this, that person in that tent is having a difficult time right now. Yeah, and what if we were like, hey, what do you need, Let's go to a doctor. I don't.

I think it doesn't work like that because I think that kind of it's like sometimes those people are like what I need is for you to get the fuck away from me.

Right.

It's like all right, So that's the we don't have the solution all the time.

And what it is is.

There needs to be fucking services so people can go get what they need, as opposed to like, hey, why is your complex?

I'll be the one that does a thing.

Well. Those services got ended in nineteen eighty one as retaliation against John Hinckley for not going to prison. That's why I think Regan shut him all down. Think so yep, he was mad because he wanted him to go to jail, and he went to psychiatric hospital and then that same year, in nineteen eighty one, he shut him all down.

And incredible.

Oh I know about that because my mom was a psychiatric nurse and she fucking talked about it NonStop, and she predicted the state at the worlds and now where it's like, where will these people go? They need people, well to give them care, they need people to help them take their pills. This is a sect of society that we've all already agreed we were going to help, and we're just gonna stop helping them.

Yeah, well I could wait until, like we I can just hang out where I live and wait for the many people that come up to me and actually ask me for help yeah and say patch yes, Like oh really, I believe it was speaking of needing help. Right, You just got roasted Blaine.

Fuck you, Blaine.

So I got inspired by that Andy sketch. I say Andy sketched because his last name has also escaped me. Is there low oxygen in your car?

Let's do this.

Maybe there's we've all recirculated too much whatever that that chemical, right, two CO three.

There it is in hails deeply R two D two.

Oh my, did you like that impression?

It was pretty good?

Save it.

Put it in your little bindle for tonight.

Oh no, oh my, get.

Those elbows up.

Oh my, rusty elbows are too Uh.

Oh, there's a big event happening.

Oh, this looks like a job for us. That's right. Help wherever they're sirens will get in the way. Kuh need any help with that gurney?

Oh those are ambulances at the Oh.

Oh, we would have gotten away with it if you didn't tell everyone. Maybe I should go offer my help. All right, let's ride this and then call viacom. Fine, you've been listening to Do you need a ride? D y n A R. This has been an exactly right production.

Our senior producer is Analise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Kotner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgarret.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh you're welcome.