S4 - Ep. 67 - Chris & Karen

Are you leaving?

I you wanna way back home?

Either way, we want to be there. Doesn't matter how.

Much baggage you claim and give us time and a terminol and gaggy.

We want to send you off InStyle.

We wanna welcome you back home.

Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Mal porn? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride?

Do your need to ride? To ride.

With Karen and Chris? Welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris.

Fairbanks and this is Karen Tilgaroff.

Hello, Karen, my friend, Hello Chris.

Would would you say if I brought you a thoughtful gift today?

Well, I would say for me.

Yes like that.

I should have waited. I should have just shown it to you.

And now now I have to, you know, compare your actual reaction to them.

What if it's less than.

What you just gave?

What's this guy doing?

He's going to run into us, So he's very angry.

I know why. It's because he doesn't like Tesla's, which is why I got you this sticker, bought it before we knew how awful he.

Is Oh my god, that rules.

Now. Yeah, you can stick it back there and feel no judgment from anyone, and you'll get a little.

Honk and wave.

Well, I don't know if it's enough anymore.

I mean, it's the least you can do. It's the most you can do.

It's the least I can do. But I think the most is turning my car in, which is what I planned to do.

Well in the meantime, we have this sticker, or you can save it and give it to a friend, Ladies and gentlemen.

Chris is holding up the sticker like it's the publisher's clearing how sweepstakes check, and he like, I think, do you want me to take it like this?

Yeah? I feel like it's huge. The sticker is four by five feet. Yeah, it's like.

It's it's actually a banner.

Yeah yeah, won't that looked nice flapping from a flagpole on the back of your car?

I mean, so great, Thank you so much. Where'd you find it?

I was sent an Instagram message that said, look at this sticker on the back of this tesla. You should get one for Karen. I should remember who sent that message, but I do not. Yeah, I was an Internet friend, and I thought, you know what, I am going to find that, So I searched for it using keywords.

They didn't even give you a link or anything. They just bost you.

It was just it was just like, look at this sticker and I said, I'm going to find it or make it.

They literally dead linked you. It was just a post of a picture. Was no further news.

Right, they just saw the sticker and they're like, hey, if it's out there, I know Chris Fairbanks knows how to google, and boy do I found it immediately with other options.

What I would love is if that person worked in marketing, right, just be the perfect yeah, yeah, go get it.

The old marketing strategy of hey you do it, well.

You do it.

It's my idea, you do it. But it was her idea and I very much appreciate it and I found it. That's the other ones were worded poorly. Yeah, it just has bought it before.

We knew how awful he is.

Yeah, and then people you're not saying anyone's name, No one's going to get upset. It's going to weed out the people that don't get it.

Oh, I think people get up I think we're now in a very new time in America where everyone's fucking upset. Everybody around you is upset, and everybody thinks they ever reason to be upset.

Yeah. I did stand up at the Comedy Store on election night and it was completely sold out in the main room, and I was nervous that it was a bunch of people celebrating, but no, it was a bunch of people with a dazed look in their blast over eyes. And it was so fun and they needed a release. And I've noticed that with all the shows I've done this past week. Yes, people are traumatized and they're going to comedy to feel better.

So and it's working.

Yes, it's It's the only silver lining I can apply to my life directly.

Well, yeah, you're a white dude, you're actually doing something. Yeah, that's always the sick, consistent and like permanent silver lining.

Yeah, that's the one that I can feel uncomfortable about.

But but then remind yourself you have bad bone density, and.

So you know, yeah, I should have a sticker that says my bones are like Swiss cheese, amy alone.

It's not I'm in pain constantly.

I'm not the one. I'm not the one you're talking about my bones are grinding against each other.

Yes, you can almost hear them, or you can hear me responding with a series of groans.

I'm going to get what we just said, put on a bumper sticker and give it to you. Okay, great, and hold it up in front of you.

Yeah, and don't hassle me. Man, My bones are filled with air bubbles.

Porosis is killing me.

That's what it's called.

What if the witch pulled up and said, my osteoporosa.

We gotta figure out that bit for next Halloween.

I swear to God. The more I did it, the it almost felt like my brain was like, here's even a less funnier thing. Here's even a less funnier thing. And I was just like, but I can't stop doing it now. That's comedy. That's the career in comedy, right there.

Yeah. I think what I did say is you were born.

In February.

That's why you procrastinate so much, played up the pumpkin something.

Like that, how Dako?

It went fine, but I could tell they were wanting a better.

Example, they were wanting my tags.

The only thing that it helped me get away with it I get a great witch voice. It sound a little likeness.

Oh no, yes, yeah, that's I think. Whatever the joke is, you're making it hard for people to hear you. Yes, yes, well it's fund yes, yes, try another one.

Well, I'm sitting on my diaphragm, which is where I'd like to be speaking from.

How about say the witch? Have the witch read this line right here?

Okay?

Ike?

Before we knew how awful.

It's hard for me. I mean that was just.

More of a you know, a wizard's helper.

Oh do you want to get a little witch here on this one? Take two? We buy they fall?

We knew how wet? How's that?

It's horrifying?

Yeah, yeah, it crossed.

You really don't have any idea the appearance of that voice, the face that goes with it, it's blurred.

It makes me think of the witch that was on I think bugs Bunny or Omerphad or whatever that when she would yell, when she would say stuff loud, bobby pins would come out of her hair.

Oh my god, how do you yes remember her?

Was that from a Looney Tunes?

I feel like it was adjacent. So it's like, was it a witch that Daffy Duck was scared of? Was having a problem with her.

They were the exact shape of bobby pins, but I just I didn't know till now that's what they were. I just thought they were frustration lines right well.

And also those type of bobby pins are more for holding up like a woman's signon.

And what is a sheioon?

Oh?

That guy's like, hey, it's a courtesy vehicle. I don't care if I'm dipping in your land.

Uhil is like one of those, like it's you're grabbing your hair and twisting it up behind you and then sticking some bobby pins in it so it looks fancy like your own mad men as a lady.

Oh okay, And that's what I've never known what a bobby pin is for, except as a child. Sticking in my ear. Oh no, but man, it felt good.

No it didn't.

It always felt good.

I never went too.

Deep as a child. You were able to control that.

I put everything in my ears.

Oh, as long.

As it was smaller than my elbow. My mother said it was okay.

I think that's actually backwards, and there's no way to test that unless you use someone else's elbow.

Feels like we're setting the bar a little low for like a toddler child and sticking stuff in their ears. Pretty sensitive, I know.

Again, that's the bar I started at, and none of us realized. What else do we use Q tips.

For itching or the inside of our ears? Clean?

Of course? Oh and it says do not put this in your baby's ears.

It doesn't even mention adults.

It's with babies only. Yes, so sick of that. I'm so sick of them getting all the attention.

I know, what about my adult ears?

What about?

I think they're saying, go ahead, it's it's on you.

No one cares about your dumb ears. It's the baby's ears. We have to focus on pencils.

I'd put in there.

I would put everything in my ears. And I'm I'm going to go out on a limb and say I still do okay, But I really.

Got the distance down.

I don't think I'm ever going to have a problem unless someone you know, intervenes.

Yes, I don't even want to go into that.

Don't think about you just made a whole chill go down the bottom of my feet.

Everyone everyone just got goose bumps. Horrifying, or as they said in the Peanuts cartoons, to my dismay, Goose pimples.

That that was not a good day on the Peanut strip.

Goose pimples on the Peanuts strip.

Okay, this is a bad day on the Peanuts strip, and would before we knew how awful we was. Oh, it's just like a timid witch.

Yes, that keeps stumbling and falling.

She's more. I feel like she's a little bit more of a middle aged, later life witch that one. Yeah, and she could also do musical theater if you wanted her to.

Oh yeah, I'm needy.

Yeah, there's so many options. But the magic kind of your ability to do magic guides your life, whether or not you wanted to sing and dance. Sorry, you can make rooms a vehicle. Yeah, you have no choice.

Yeah, that's just how it is, lady, yep, sorry, sorry, stick your shiny on up and put your witch hat on and get used to it.

Yeap.

You think I would wouldn't rather be doing some other than comedy. It's been my calling or I've invested enough time into it that I have no choice but to continue.

You kind of painted yourself into a corner.

I really did in a lot of ways.

So yeah, yeah, well but it worked out at the Comedy Store. I honestly was worried about that show for you because of those exact same reasons. Yeah, and it's such a nice thing to hear that. People were like, please comedy take me away, and that's good. That makes me happy.

And it seemed pandry like I asked for it, but it went well, and so at the end, I said.

Please give me a standing over.

I'm Chris spare Banks and I don't work here much, so tell them you liked me. And then they then they stood up no, and I'm like, oh no, no, I didn't.

Okay, that's gonna look like.

I'm bad. Oh well, those next comic's a good circle surfer. But I said circle and then I went off on we used to this whole circle jerk thing, I know. But they liked that.

Of course they did.

I don't know why, but that's how desperate they were to laugh. Even a crass brain yess it hot crossbindes.

They went along with.

It was so fun.

Every girl's crazy about them Hot Cross but oh.

Top, so many rewrites.

She's got arms, she knows how to lift things.

And she puts them in and out. What's the hokey pokey I can't remember the words.

She's got head, shoulders, knees and toes.

Do you know that there's a black woman who is a folk artist who wrote the majority of little kids songs like that. She just died at one hundred years old at least Do you mind looking up her name? I keep seeing videos on her.

Please say. She also wrote a lot of Eazy Top's hand.

She moonlit as the tambourine player for zz Top while during the day she was like, oh, what type of weather would you like today? That was Norris rate All that free k.

Song, that's one of them.

It was about the weather, and my sister and I used to make her sing it constantly.

I've never It's one of those things you don't notice much like the harmonica, until you see footage of like Skeevie Wonder playing it and you're like, oh, wow, it is an instrument that you can master. I went, let me go LCD's sound system. Yeah, everyone, go ahead. It's yellow, but that doesn't mean.

Anythinganks everybody, you fucking idiot.

It will stay mellow. You go ahead.

Ella Jenkins, first lady of children's music. What's your first name? Ella? Ella Jenkins, Ella Jenkins rap to a truly real one who gave us all the music of our childhood.

I love it.

Do you can you name some hits that she that she wrote? Only? Sorry, Yeah, it's just so everybody knows. It's not just my weird recalling of a TikTok and she miss Mary mac oh, did you feed my cow? Stop and go? You'll sing a song and all sing along? Miss Mary? That's legendary, is it?

Why?

Why where have I been?

It's one of these Miss Mary and mac mac mac oh. Yeah, of course, with all these buttons that's her.

Yeah, of course, with all these buttons, buttons, buttons.

I mean, I'm taking liberties.

Yeah, No, it's funny. I need to hear them before, because I don't. They don't announce those songs by title when you're a child at the club, Yeah, at the kids club where I was always off my ass on you know, powdered sugar, lines and lines of colored sugar. I was gonna say, tambourine playing. I watched LCD sound System and it.

Was very good in real life.

Yes, it was so fun His voice is better than ever. And uh, it was such a diverse crowd. There's old folks there. Everyone loves that band. It was so fun and it was at the Palladium. The Palladium a place I've never been, and it was like being at a big giant gymnasium. School dance. You have to stand on a gym floor. And when you're standing on a gym floor, unless you're a nerd, you dance. Yeah, And everyone was dancing and I was felt high for days because of it.

The drugs of music I had.

I had a.

Lemon spritzer, a mixer for something that was supposed to have booze, and I danced, but man, just.

Booze right exactly. That's what I do, bloody Marry mix any of it. I do it, not just on an airplane. All ginger ale on ground, now on ground, yes, yeah, with all feet on the ground.

Real quick. Do you want to take a look up at that gigantic moon sitting there.

It's always curious when the moon's out during the day.

It's a super moon. It's the closest the moon has been to Earth in years and years, and it's apparently like only two thousand something something miles away. Or one hundred thousand miles. I can't remember.

I mean, if there.

Were a witch here, we could ask her some of that question about the moon.

Okay, that's a totally different character.

Hmm, I keep losing it. Well, there's so many witches in the Covenant, that's true. The uh there's the clumsy witch, there's the smart witch.

There's one girl witch. And then there's the brain.

The Harry Poppins witch.

There's the grumpy witch.

There's a cat. Yeah, there's the man with the cauldron. I'm thinking of the nerves. But yeah, I want to I want to get a tambourine.

Now.

Guy, was he was good?

Was he the lead singer playing in tambourine the whole time? Yeah? Do you know how hard it is played tambourine?

Well? Yeah, and he was drumming with the drummer. The drummer was amazing.

But there was there was the last time I saw them, which was supposed to be are this is our last show was at the Hollywood Bowl, like a decade ago. It was more of a DJ a couple other people situation. This time it's a whole band and it was amazing. And that that song where he's singing about CBGB's and all the bands that like uh, daft punk and all these bands that they and yeah, they did Medley's from all those bands and they did them perfectly mixed in the song.

It was so exciting. Man, it was great.

Did they do Don't Go yet?

That's exactly can't help now, don't you know. I'm never gonna let you go?

Don't Go? Legendary Alison Moyer.

Alisoner I used to sing along thinking that because her voice is so amazing, we can't.

Sing the songs on this. Jim is literally smacking his head with this.

Oh what will they do?

It'll just be silence.

No, we have to cut it out because you know, you have to pay people if you say just.

So you know, there's been some silent moments.

That's because we can't stop singing hits from the past, and we are now going to stop.

We'll stop. Don't stop.

That makes me think of three more songs they can get us sued.

Oh what I was going to ask, was America's girlfriend Nico Case playing in the band?

Uh No, she Nico Case is part of the New Pornographers.

God damn it, it's every time.

It's okay, it's maybe why I like, these are all some of my favorite bands. If Nico Case was involved, they remain my favorite because she's my favorite.

Yeah, she's incredible for me.

I got into Nico Case and then the New Pornographers. I get into Ac Newman and then the New Pornographers.

Yep, you found them as individuals.

Yes, their solo work and that, and it's like, where did this all come from? Oh, iconic Canadian indie rock. Yes, it's the best if you haven't checked it out.

New Pornographers, Yeah, and O Case and A. C.

Newman and Broken Social Scene and Emily Hines and the Soft Skeletons.

And while We're here and.

Wowweepees the weepies don't don't get me. Well, I can't get started because I've never heard of them, but they're going to be great.

They're Canadian.

I love I love them already.

I'm almost positive. Yes, Well, listen, the full moon is a super moon this week is it? And the people on TikToker are advising everyone just keep their mouth shut because it's a time of fighting, and I have to say I feel it. I feel the time of fighting is privately.

Yeah, it's I mean that was going to happen, even if the moon did something else this week.

Oh no, I know. I blame Starlink.

Fucking Starlink.

I mean, I don't want to sound like a conspiracy theorist. But it's interesting, isn't it.

It's not good.

It's Starlink is owned by the guy who said collusion with the voting is very real.

Just like a month ago.

I have to get rid of this car. I just can't sit it.

You don't have to anymore. This sticker makes up for everything.

I really don't. I don't think it's enough.

It is, though, because so many people are in the same boat. This will help others because they will see the sticker on your car, and they too will google.

But I think it's a better move to just be like, I'd rather not be in this car at all.

But it's it's a nice car, and it's done well for you. The cars, I believe have feelings like Horville my.

White Buick Skyhawk.

I would say nice things to it. I say nice things to my heart, and I think that that's why I've never had any trouble. Now, I know I sound like a crazy person.

They get it.

That feeds a cat human foods like a full hot dog with condiments.

I speak to my cars indigestion. Yeah, we better put an old top hat on him and tape a cane to his paw. Look at our fancy you dance. Now, dance your dumb cat.

He's farting his way through the dance from young Frankenstein. What a wonderful idea.

Oh I almost did putting on the writs another lawsuit. I know we're talking about crackers. Everyone dam sued by.

The crackers, crackers coming after us.

I think that this sticker buys you at least enough time to find a car that you love, you'll enjoy talking to well.

And I will say this to that point, this car separate this car that was not made or developed or anything by Elon Musk. The guys that founded this company got like corporate rated out of the company. So the real guys that made it are it's to their credit right. And when I got in that car accident a couple of weeks ago, there the guy was going thirty miles an hour slammed into the back of me. I fucking

I was afraid that a few days later you'd feel a little little bobby pin in your back.

Right in my alla, up and down my spine. But what I did, and I'll tell everybody this one in doubt, take a nice long EPSOM bath, ebso salt bath. That was the solution.

That's what everyone told me when I needed hip replacement surgery. Have you tried eb some salts? But I'm in so much pain that I'm thinking of bathing with an EPSOM printer plugged in there.

There is a blemish in the center.

Please write that one down.

Oh that's thank you. I will, I will, I'll remember the comedy. Yes, yes, thank you. I just noticed there is a blemish on your bumper right in the center from that. You were talking it down, but it's noticeable. Look what can cover it? Oh?

Yeah, A good idea?

Yeah, so okay, now you're excited. God, I really forced you.

You had to kind of just build the bridge for me to make it work. For the moment, I just don't want to be one of those people that's not doing enough, and it's like looking like you care, looking like you're on a certain side when you're not is not helpful, right, So that just is a concern of mine.

Yeah, I know.

Well, it's like getting to this time where it's like we all were like, you don't go to Starbucks. We're not going to Starbucks. Dan, You're like, you do that for four months and you're like, can we get a storms and right? And then everything's just kind of like that where it's normalizing trying to make a move and then just everybody being like, Okay, it's taken care of.

Funny if I vote with your wallet because I wrote down everyone that I wanted to vote for, and I did indeed put.

It in my wallet and pulled it out.

Did you in the booth? Yeah, I just I.

Just realized that, So you literally voted with your wallet.

I really did? You?

Better keep it up and put that vote for Comptrol or back into your wallet, so you know when to and when not to.

Excuse me for a moment.

Yes, right, joke about EPSOM printer plugged in bath water period because of because of hip surgery needed period and.

Some salt baths recommended. Are you gonna be able to reconstruct this thing?

Yes, I'm very good at these riddles I create for myself. And it added what you just said when from salt epsom salt recommended it even spelled it correctly.

See that one's going to be easy.

See the times that I wake up from a dream and I'm like, that's a screenplay, and then it's just jarbled.

There are times I don't understand.

You're doing the the jiff pronunciation of jarboled.

I just a million dollar idea colon, and then it's just jw HR four nine seven. I guess it's a sci fi movie. I don't know.

It could be the serial number for that Ebsom printer that you're taking into the bath exactly. I peeled yep.

Now that that is a funny way to go, though I wished, well, I don't wish it happened while we were podcasting, but I like to relay notable things that happened while I was driving. And yesterday I was at a light and this truck in front of me that had a lot of stuff in the bed of the truck had one of those yellow nylon like toe ropes. Yeah, but it's a strap, and it was dangling way behind

Could have been somebody that worked at the Perfect Parrot, which is over on Riverside.

They were If they were green feathers, I would have immediately thought that, but these were just it looked like gray pigeon feathers. Oh, but they were all one color. I am starting to think.

I think you're right about like a duvey or a pillow.

I would love it if someone was just cleaning out a coop because of that. My dad once rented a carpet shampoo for Ace Hardware when I was a kid, and he I feel so bad thinking about it. They my parents just got a new couch and love seat and a new navy blue rug to match it, and my dad painted a painting to match all this stuff. We had finally had an adult, fancy living room set. And my dad rented this thing. And not only was

That's horrifying.

It was the worst, and it started my grave fear of excrement. I just oh, it was the worst. And my dad was so furious and confused, and I remember him just in the backyard. It was just like a gun shooting into the grass. He was just trying to empty it out and he was gagging while swearing.

Oh, it was so funny.

Oh, really really unfortunate for your family.

Yeah. I wonder if he remembers that.

I bet he does.

That's something I'll wait for a holiday dinner text it.

Yeah, yeah, wait till right before you take the first buy.

It absolutely speaking of delicious gravy.

Father o, father, father, And if the witch was at the dinner, I.

Was the one who willed it to happen.

It was a d and Gil High intervee.

Why do we invite Hagatha every year? So good?

It seems like comedy is going to become incredibly crucial comedy. Yeah, yes, is coming two three years.

Yes, I mean it's the only hopeful thing I have to say. Yeah, is I can finally all this all this this material that I've had written already about Matt Getz.

Finally we'll have a phone home foam.

Finally we'll have a ship filled foam watching red cleaner.

That Ace Hardware rented carpet machine is so symbolic of what's happening.

It is filled with the future.

It's very true. Also, we had an Ace Hardware in my town, Rex Hardware.

It was called but it had the ACE logo.

That's right.

Yes, they were independently franchised days.

Yeah, so ours was Rex Hardware, and that was the softball team I played on the first time I played softball in Minis when I was like seven years old. And so I had this T shirt. It's super perfectly late seventies, early eighties. That's just a red T shirt with this block white capitol writing that says REX Hardware on the front of it, with no other explanation, nothing else. No, Yeah,

One of my baseball teams there was a restaurant confusingly named The Chicken Too, like It was a sequel to the original The Chicken The Chicken Too, And that.

Was on all these shirts a losing baseball team.

But just through writing, yeah what font do you remember?

It was a classy cursive.

Okay, the chicken too?

The chicken too?

Was there a calm after the word chicken?

I was then on Hogiville and Jim Palmer Trucking?

Did Jim Palmer Trucking win?

I was never on a winning baseball team, and I think that I had a lot to do with that, since I was the pitcher.

I was just forced of hitch even though you weren't very good at it.

Well, I was okay at it, I think I recall, and I'm not trying to sell out any of these other kids on the team, but there was a lot of candy eating while looking up at the clouds.

How old?

Oh yeah, exactly, we're fifth grade?

Oh something, that's too old to be right?

Right? And then and then so it went miners, majors, and seniors. So in the minor leagues, I was a pitcher. Then they were like, wait a minute, you look like a little kid, but you're thirteen.

You should be in the seniors.

I skipped the majors, and then I was in the seniors, still the same size. I was all of a sudden, there's guys like Jason Shanahan who became a pro baseball.

Player, growing eighty mile an hour pitches.

That none no kid could hit like grown men with Harry Leggs, that had girlfriends that had made babies, that grown men. And I was still a tiny kid with beech fuzz. And I was horrified, and that's why I quit. I'm like, well, I'm not growing at the same rate. Yeah, that went into high school. I was playing with high school kids.

Kyle Shanahan.

You say his name was Jason Shanahan.

Jason, Yeah, Yeah, he went on to play.

I feel like I need to see a picture if he actually made it to become a professional baseball player. I deserve to see he was.

Every kid was trembling because he threw so hard and he was still young, so there was a good chance the ball could hit you in the head and make you die.

That's right, And so I was so scared.

Missoula Mavericks Baseball, Yes, he certainly. Yeah, he played for the MAP. I think he like is back in town coaching.

But he made it to the making.

I'm surprised. I yeah, that's him. Look at that big square job. But everything we all want.

Always are professional baseball.

Wow, that's yeah. Yeah he played Saint Louis Cardinals Florida Marlins. Shit, yeah, I didn't even know that. Okay, now I feel better about I mean Saint Louis Cardinals in ninety one. This was like three years before that. He was already throwing professionally fast. He was throwing harder than ady. I it's just like, okay, it's it's almost like he can't be in the little leagues.

Yeah, he shouldn't be.

Yeah, they didn't have the minor league team and Nola the offspray, very popular.

Bird, incredibly catchy bird. Ye see the picture. No, Chris wouldn't show it to me. Yes, classic, so.

Classic, good looks. That's why I didn't show you. I knew you'd fall in love with my baseball nemesis.

With my best friend Jason.

He doesn't remember me.

What was Jason like? Did he know he was going to the bigs? Was his family like all intensive?

Yeah, he had one of the loudest dads. That was That was the hardest part is you're all these dads are yelling at you like you're their son. My dad wasn't yelling at me. He just was never did no. And then one day I was like, Dad, I think I'm skateboard. He's like, okay, yep, and the rest is history.

And then you get there and Tony Hawk's and getting intense and flipping in your face and stuff.

Tony Hawk is not my dad. I've said it so many times.

God damn it, Tony Hawk, stop bullying me, and do your make your McNasty flip side? What is it like a McDonald's one.

The mctwist, that's that was first done by Mike McGill, but I think probably perfected later by other guys, But Mike McGill still no one can dispute the mctwist is his.

That's his. Yes, he did it in front of the bank first.

Yeah.

Uh yeah.

Ramp something I can't you know, a vert ramp? Who add access to that? Vert ramp parts were just the reason to push the fast forward button because we didn't.

We couldn't relate these kids, you.

Know me, Yeah you can't. You're like, I don't speak this language.

Yeah, I'm a streets kid. Yeah, I'm a street kid.

This is an indoors ramp builled kid.

Yeah, what does that mean?

They're just rich?

Just they're from California.

And they just immediately the second they're good at skateboarding, they get funneled into some sort of a system.

Right, I think so.

I think they had vert ramps in like California and Texas and that's where all these guys came from in the eighties. But Montana, we had one curb.

You can get on that curb and you can get your ass back off that curb.

Tony Hawk has a son, Riley, who is married and just had a child with Kurt Cobain's Francis Francis Bean. And so now there's a kid out there whose grandparents are Tony Hawk and Kurt Cobain. Wow, that kid can't.

I'll never know, can't do anything like imagine being in that position and you're just trying to order a scone or you know.

Your day to day is just like always yeah, always going, Am I cool enough? Now?

Yeah? Exactly. You can't go to Warby Parker and get reader glasses.

Everything is judged. You have to be cool.

Yeah.

So much pressure, so much pressure, and so much like your parents have you an ac DC onesies from when you are three months old. Yeah, that moon is going to something's going to happen. I'm just telling you, you are.

You are more obsessed with the moon than Jimmy Stewart's wife on It's a wonderful life.

It's just really big and in front of us. And I'm like, this affects people.

I will draw a picture of you lassoing the moon, Karen. I know I can read through the lines clearly doing them.

I'm asking for you to paint that picture onto the front of a grocery store. This holiday season.

I did a cameo and I pitched I don't know why I did this, the idea of, uh, these cats. The cameo was for these cats, and I was riffing about the cats wearing different outfits and I'm like, that would be a funny drawing. And now I'm just waiting. I'm going I'm going to be asked to draw these cats.

Right, because you essentially offered.

I exactly yeah, And I even said, I you know, I can't do it, and I held up my hand and feigned a jiggly, uncontrollable hand. But I know the order will be coming in and then I got to sit.

And draw, and then you have to fake that your trembling hand has become still for the job.

Yes, yes, good thing I had these leftover still pills. But yes, I'm trying to say yes tomorrow art. I realize that's my retirement plan is to you know, just sell paintings them. Yeah, it's it's It's better than you know, handing out samples at Costco, is it. Well? I noticed a lot of I know a lot of the people in my hometown as like, that's my eighth grade teacher and he's just handing out Tatino's pizza roles. Oh and remember when you yelled at me and said crimea River Fairbanks.

He's like, I'm an example of the criminally underpaid teaching sector of America. Yeah, well, well you're happy.

He was very mean to me.

But then he saw me and he totally recognized me and said my name.

I wish I said, wow, children, got told that people are going to be mean to you, because I feel like those first couple of times that like a teachers mean to you, it's so shocking, Like I remember Missus Patterson yelling at me one time when all I did was take over this girl's science fair project and start running at myself and she wasn't there because I wanted

You're right, No one preps you for that. No, even in the class called prep for life.

Even in that class.

We're just baking. I thought you were going to teach me how to pay taxes.

Yeah, and handle it when people have like aggression disorders.

Yeah.

I made the wrong note on my trombone and rest Or Smart threw a pencil at it whizzed by my face, and I remember saying, what if that pencil went in my eye?

Then what? And he got very upset and left the room.

Said that I got him.

You fucking said that to the teacher.

Yeahss genius.

And miss Randolf once she took my pencil once and broke it. She would grab me, pinch my ear, h like that's some you know, little house on the prairie. Shit, yes it is, grabbed my ear and lifted me up. Cut to selling coupon books door to door when I was fourteen or fifteen, My first scary job where they'd dropped me off in a terrible neighborhood that they deemed

Mean to me.

And then I walked away and she just was silent, and again I got her, Yeah you did.

It's all about revenge.

It's specifically teach sure revenge. So I think it's just bold of you in this day and age, Chris. It's a bold move.

Yes, yes, it's it's always Yeah, those those situations where you wish you had said something and that comes to you later. There's just a handful of times in the moment I thought of it, and so I remember those.

But there are dozens of other times.

Where instead of saying anything, I was overly nice for some reason. Yep, and you know, just just weird.

I remember I got a good one of those. There was a person who I worked with who was just look at that moon. I am telling.

You, it is impressive.

It's just gigantic and pretty.

What do you know?

And I'm assuming it's gas and we will go back to your story. Okay, so doggy or that is what was I saying? Oh no, anyway, how sometimes the moon it's huge, like at night. Sometimes you're like, it's ten times the size it normally is.

Why is it magnified like that?

Well, because it depends on time of day. But when it's closer to the horizon, it looks bigger. So when the moon is rising, it always looks bigger closer to the ground, for because you're like because of the ratio. But then also, as I said twice before, this is a supermoon, so supermoons are closer I think. And then as I also said before, this one is especially close the closest moon has been to Earth in a long time.

That's because there are other times where it isn't a supermoon or anything, and.

It's literally three times that size.

And I've seen it and I'm like, any why isn't that on the news that the moon like And I've heard that there are certain atmospheric gas situations that actually act like a lens and magnified.

The moon, but that organically there's no gas.

That is just well, it's up too high.

That's a bigger moon.

And also it was already up there, which I love.

Do you feel like it's up too high today?

Yes, it's I'm very scared.

Everything's out of sorts.

Do we get knocked off our axes by US space by satellite starlink? I? I just the moon is up too high? Why is it so bright?

And it's kind of hanging over us in our face.

It's important to note that the sun is also out everybody.

And the yeah, it also rises.

Just as a general this is where it's all a lie.

We're in a giant Truman Show snow globe.

I mean, it's possible.

That moon is just painted on the inside of a domed glass.

Just like like Las.

Vegas, round Earth, give me a break.

Did you ever see that? Was it a movie where they're a second moon comes up and then everyone starts freaking out. People think it's the end of the world.

Oh, I think you're thinking of Demi Moore's seventh sign.

Oh no, I saw that. This one is with that girl with the long blonde hair from thea Ao aoa the Oway.

From the oc I actually, yeah, I'm not sure it would be scary. I mean, talk about the scariest thing ever is suddenly there being more than one moon. What would I would I don't know what I would do, right.

It's suddenly we're just like, what's now? What are the new rules?

I just that's the kind of night there'd be two moons, and it's like, wait, I have a show tonight. I don't have time to address this, but everyone's going to be thinking about it.

Everyone's gonna have a bit. You better write one. Yeah, no, what would say about two moons?

Good one for me and my twin sister.

The witches often have as sister uh huh. At times they're conjoined at the same cauldron. H yeah, I want to lead a bunch of cherries. The other one spits up all the pits. I'm, of course speaking of Susan Sarandon, Sarah Jessica Parker hmm, and.

Michelle Pfeifer.

Michelle Pfeifer. The p contrary to popular belief, is not silent. Michelle Pfeifer, get it in there. Yeah, I'm not remembering.

What you know, the Witch movie. I'm talking about the Eastwick?

Is it of east Wick?

Yes, it is.

It's I For some reason, that was the movie, not The Shining or any other movie that made me very scared of Jack Nicholson. Really, yeah, he really scared me.

Well he was especially like creepy in that movie. Yeah, and like danger. He was the devil.

I think anytime you sexualize Jack Nicholson, you're gonna scare me below the way.

Just keep it to the Lakers. Yeah that's about it.

Yeah, and turn into a wolf.

I'll watch that. Sure, I'm one of the only people who watched it.

But who Michelleeruffifer's in per fucking everything? Uh, you know my Favoriteffifer vehicle Married to the Mob. And I'm not sure why. I think just because New Order was on the soundtrack.

Oh really, Yeah, I like my favorite Puffifer. I think is The Fabulous Baker Boys a lovely movie from the nineties.

I don't think I've seen The Fabulous Baker Boys.

It's Micheller is there, Bridges, both Bridges brothers bo oh shit and Jeffrey goddamn it.

Oh it's okay. We didn't know that kid was going to.

These kids. I worry about kids at a at a crosswalk. I feel like they don't know the etiquette and they're going to jump out.

Well, y, I just.

I understand.

Everything's so impossible. I'm going, okay, that was a I just don't want to see eleven year olds waiting to cross ever near me. You just don't want it near me.

That's something I didn't see back in my day of being eleven, uh, when professionals were throwing balls at me. Kids jogging. He was a child out jogging right, and just.

Ma'am, Yes, it looked like a child jogging. And also it was a child taking it's jogging very seriously because it was checking his watch right as it stood there, and kind of like it had like loose hands, like it was in some sort of a jogging clinic. And that's so la where somebody is making their child give a shit that much of a shit about like cross country jogging or something.

Yeah, when I moved here, I was I was jogging through Hollywood all the time because I thought I needed to get ripped.

Were you really?

Uh?

And one night, I it was like night and I was running down Santa Monica Boulevard to the twenty four hour Fitness Wow and Jillian Barbary from Good Day La Sure was in the same position we were just at. I was at the corner. She was trying to take a rite. I guess I was a little too close to the curb or no, it said walk and I didn't walk right away. Uh huh, And she said go you stupid motherfucker. And I was like, wait a minute.

Good Day Live and he's like, yeah it was, And we.

Just laughed so hard.

That is fucking hilarious.

Yeah, it was amazing how upset she was.

She was having a hard day.

Well yeah, and yeah, she had a Portia nine to eleven.

She when also she had to get up so early to do that fucking morning show.

I have no idea the stress of her schedule.

I am a motherfucker. If you only get four hours sleep, I'll take it.

Yeah, for real. It's like that was her problem for sure.

But still, yeah, she could just see on my face that I get eight hours of sleep every night.

Surious.

She's so jealous and she also knew. She's like, I bet you that guy does an incredible which voice, like heartbroken, I.

Do one incredible one and a dozen bad ones. I'm keeping the incredible one for the end. Oh, I can't do it whilst sitting.

Oh okay, yeah, so I think this will be the end of this episode, right.

I think it probably will stay tuned for next week when I do that perfect witch voice you've been listening to Do you Need a Ride? D y n E.

To to.

This has been an exactly right production.

Our senior producer is Analise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Cottner.

Theme song by Karen.

Kilgareff, artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d Ynar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly Rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh you're welcome,