S4 - Ep. 65 - Chris & Karen

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With Karen and Chris welcome to Do you need to ride? This is Chris Fairbanks.

And this is Karen Kilgareth.

Karen, Hello, my friend for Salo. You had a fender bender I did. The great part about this story is that it wasn't.

My fault, but it was or was not your fender.

It absolutely was my backfender and it was real loud, quite a jolt, very very surprising, and it wasn't my fault.

That's all I care about.

Well, having been through this, I just have a few legal questions. Okay, the person that it was a rear ending, This person rear ended you, correct? They were uninsured, correct, have you or do you plan on seeking retribution? No, not vengeance. I was gonna say going to a doctor and seeing no, okay, but are you going to get your car fixed or are you just gonna.

Oh, did you look? There's literally three scratches. It's like it's happened.

I've noticed, unless that puncture was already there. I just thought if you wanted to get it fixed. My whole point was going to be the lawyer after my rear ending thing was like, you have to go to therapy, physical therapy to build your case. The insurance is going to want to see that you had to go seek physical therapy. But if you aren't going to worry about it, I'm not, and you're gonna then you're just you're just fine.

Then here's my thing. I'm pretty sure I'm fine at this point. It's like coming up on twenty four hours. I'm hoping to make it to forty eight without any like bad news or you know, my entire neck locking up or something terrible. But as I was saying to Boomer, one of one of our many exactly right employees, I've been inother car sins that were definitely worse and didn't have, you know, aside from soreness and like needing to kind

Like another couple of days.

Yeah, But other than that, to watch a young girl's probably in her twenties sobbing, like sitting on the sidewalk sobbing because she is she basically it's like it seemed like her life was over. Yeah, And that is how people these days are living because no one can afford groceries. Everybody's making probably a minimum wage or something in that area.

Like it's not a thing.

That if I needed to fix my car, it would be for superficial reasons. And I don't care about shit like that, So I'm probably not going to, Like I wouldn't do it if I hit a pole as I was pulling into a parking lot.

Yeah, So I'm not suddenly gonna make her pay. And I know she was.

Scared shitless because it was like it happened right near the police station all that stuff, and it's just like it can't I'm it just doesn't matter to me in that way, and I'm pretty sure that I'm fine. So if I'm fine and I can tell everybody else, they're fine, fucking God bless let's have Let's have more days like that where people make mistakes and then everyone gets out from it.

Right. I think my rack the car was when the car was reached, the tow truck person was looking at us like he was seeing a ghost because he thought whoever was in that wreck did not make it.

So it was horrible.

Yeah, someone going like forty five, so that was a little different, I guess. But I did feel fine the next day, and then afterwards I was like, my hip's hurt. Yeah, and we all know how that ended with a hip surgery.

But but you didn't. I mean, that must have been right, pre existing conditions.

Sorry, totally it was. But as far as X Ray told me, it was like, oh, your hips have been wearing out forever, but they didn't bother me until after that accident.

I mean, look, when you get when a car slams into you going forty miles an hour, you can't tell me that doesn't have an effect.

Right. It's like a really bad chiropractor doing an adjustment on you, and all your muscles.

Like I looked up and saw this truck screen like locking up their brakes and screeching in. So I know my whole body ten stuff like, you know, all those things are concerned. But at the same time, it's like that's also there's a lot of people being made to live on the razor's edge in this country. It's not fucking their fault.

Yeah, even the guy that rear ended me at Leave Town. Yeah, it's like, well that changed everything. I guess my little business I was going to start here isn't going to happen.

I mean, and I just have to say, when I was in my early twenties living in Sacramento and as my dad likes to say, bouncing the car off of every goddamn surface I could find, I had to leave town because the third carcident I got into that I caused my mom was like pack your stuff, I'm coming

It's funny. Yeah, and you aren't apparently because you're now very good driver. You're calm, you do all the right moves.

Right, aren't I so different? Also way nicer.

Yeah, I've never been in a rack, and I'm so glad I'm not the one driving.

You just said you were in a wreck.

Oh yeah, it was just I was sitting at a red light though. It was no. You know, like, I've never caused any traffic issues.

Oh got you, got you.

I'm sure I've caused some issues. It's just not traffic, yes, just nothing contactless. They were all contactless issues.

They were kind of more emotional vibes. Yes, you changed the vibe. Yeah, really badly.

I've like changed the intersection like feeling that everyone was feeling.

Were you one of those people that like goes to take a left in the center lane, but you don't get all the way.

Over, so you just block traffic because you're the word.

No, I am someone that if anyone's in the car with me, they're frustrated because I will go around the block. If I don't see the opportunity to turn its presenting itself. It's like it's okay, I'll just go around the block. I'll go an extra mile because I didn't want to do the wrong thing.

That's really nice and it's very different than the person who peed into that plastic container and put it on that wall right there.

Oh and if they really shouldn't be it shouldn't be orange.

Like that, I mean, they need to drink more water immediately.

That's exactly what happened. That was a truck driver. That's exactly at window length for a sixteen wheeler guy to be like timed empty the toilet like Dave Matthews span right at this overpass.

The one man toilet into.

The Oh and I don't want to know what's in that plastic bag right below it.

It's just a note that says super sorry, but it's wrapped up in a plastic bag. It's ali hat sorry.

I just had a lot of Vitamin B vitamins. It's why it's orange like this, truly.

Like almost like a high sea orange that pee and carbonated.

Well, I just want to say I'm glad that you're fine.

Thank you. I mean I am too.

It is really crazy, like having been in a lot of accidents. It was a little PTSD and yet even right after it happened, I had this surge of not my fault, yay, not my fault, Like right, it's such a relief when it's not your fault.

Yeah, it's it's like and you you can leave a wreck confidently knowing that you're the winner because you didn't cause it.

Yes, it's important. It's because I've costed so many, so many And also they're just like, ugh, it's just I felt bad for those guys because there, I don't think there they could drive their car like there's I had scratches on the back of this car, and their car they were like, gonna have to get it toad.

Wow, just a bummer, just a huge bummer.

Uh oh, it's just chewing out as uh spit, spitting out as chew Rather, what is that called?

I do that a full reversal.

Yes, I do it with words, but apparently I also do it with sentences.

Yeah, it's you know what it is, I think theoretically DYSLEXI.

I know you're going to say it.

No, I was going to say, long COVID. Oh, that's what it is. I mean, I think there's a lot.

Of people who have I think COVID affected all of our brains, all of our brains in a way that we just don't know about.

Yet because our brains aren't working as well, so we don't know anything.

Feels like it.

Maybe maybe that's true, and maybe I just want to pull everyone into the menopausal nightmare that I have been living in.

Oh oh well, I'm so sorry.

I mean it just sucks.

I do notice that my memory isn't as good. Oh, but it's always with like names or something. Yeah, why can't I think of Ed Harris?

That's who it was.

I was trying to think of Ed.

Harris the other day. He's I love him. Yeah, he's great, He's one of the best. He was at a bar one night.

He was at this bar, Fellini's, that we used to go to every night in the nineties, and we got there like right after our comedy show end.

Didn't you ever go to Fillini's? So that that was before your time?

The filmmaker it's the bar based on his.

Film, based on his phone.

Yes, yes, and uh so it was like I haven't nine thirty it's closed now. But we get there and everyone's like, you know, friends with the bartenders and Da da Dad doing our normal thing. And then I look over and I'm like, that's fucking ed Harris at the end of the bar. And he was like at the end of the bar talking to one guy, you know, head kind of down, trying to be low key. But he stayed because I was like, this guy's gonna jump up and run away for sure because we're so obnoxious whatever.

And then but he's stayed.

So all the kind of young comedy kids were getting drunk and being obnoxious and he just kind of sat down there like talking to his friend. It was I was very excited for a solid maybe hour, and then he then he left.

Wow. Yeah, that's exciting just in the wild, say someone like that.

He also has an incredible face.

Oh yeah, he's got those eyes.

Yeah, and just like the chisel jaw. I mean he's just a movie star face.

Oh wow, which.

Is exciting to see in a bar.

Yeah, I guess you never. They're all good looking, these actors.

I mean, it's a big part of it unless you're a character actor and right, right, you're just doing a different thing.

Yeah, I'm somewhere lost in the middle. So that's why my career hasn't taken off. I gotta get charactery.

Why don't you have someone punch you and break.

Yeah, I was gonna say a broken nose would help. And then you know, just really throw caution to the wind with the food I eat, and then i'd probably get more probably because you know, or I can just get super ripped and get a bunch of face surgery but right in the middle. Or it's because I don't care that much. Yeah, yeah, and I'd never taken an acting class. Is it probably most likely that could be?

They could be the I mean that's I feel like every stand up comic comes to Los Angeles doing stand up comedy and then is convinced by like a manager that they could really do anything they want if they just if they just memorize their lines. And it's like, it's so disrespectful to acting to pretend that you can just do it real good naturally because it's so fucking hard.

Yeah, I suppose it is.

It is.

No. I kind of enjoy it though.

I mean fun and stuff. Yeah, I think you're very good at it. But there's like, as you well know, there's all that technical side. This is what I'm talking about.

There's no reason this person shouldn't fully be in that lane and not in my lane at all.

Right, right, they're being real half asked.

About it, and then I'm like, okay, so do I have to do this and kind of go around and basically once.

Again, oh, we're gonna give him stink eye.

Someone has to live around your mistakes, sir.

I've seen Michael Caine talk about this thing where he is looking at the whatever eye it's closer to the camera on the person who's acting with. He just looks in that eye and he doesn't blink. And I've seen three or four interviews where he repeats those two things, and I'm like, wait, is that all Michael Caine ever did? Make sure not to blink and look in the eye of the actor that is closest to camera so you see more of your face.

And also, I think the third thing on that list is weird pauses, not unlike.

Christopher walking or something. Yeah, yeah, you got to have these intermittent weird pauses.

A weird pose. It makes the audience goes sorry, wait, oh I am listening. Would you just say why didn't you say it like that?

I do that I have a weird cadence.

Oh, your cadence is fucking bizarre.

Yeah, hey, I voted today and four to You know, if only I could have colored in a bigger circle for how No, I I went for the other people. But I am worried. Yes, I feel every time I put it in a I did the ballot, dropox, drop off box, dropbox off. There, I did it again, you.

Did, but you did it for attention that time.

I'm nervous that I don't know that it's not going to get vandalized. I don't know where that's happening, but it is happening.

Yeah, it happened in was it Texas? Oh this is exactly?

Oh, oh boy, okay, this is where it happened.

No, no, no, just that's how it happened. Only I was like, there's a little more time because I was like, oh, it's yellow, I'm not going to run it. So I slowed down to stop, and the person behind me assumed I was going to run it from far away.

I think the trauma of the accident hasn't sunk it in yet because you're still in shock.

I've recorded so many podcasts since that time. It's kind of nute.

Well, you just need to sit in a room and think about what's happened.

Okay, alone.

Yeah, you can't have anyone there. Okay unless it's a therapist.

Okay, okay, good good.

What do you feel that way though, when you, oh, play soothing music? Okay, when you leave it in the ballot box? I feel like I feel that way with a letter too. There's no way, what if there's a hole in the box, what if this one isn't being used anymore? It's just weird to put it in a slot and assume you've done your job. I don't have the closure. I need a receipt.

Yes, I totally understand that.

And I always gone to a polling place. This is my first time doing the drop off or male in version.

I mean, it is scary and it's but it's also like, you know that the whole that this idea, and it's the irony of like the twenty twenty election was stolen. But then it's like, but then there's a bunch of people trying to steal this election, right, like right that they've already you know, they tried to light some ballot box.

You're saying twenty twenty was stolen.

Oh no, no, no, no, no, it's the claim.

It's it's what it's I wanted you to reiterate because it sounded like that's what you said.

I feel like, I know I've been very vague about my politics on the show, but just so everybody knows, I'm a Democrat.

I'm for sure voting.

For the first female president, the first female black president. Like everything about Kamala Harris's a future presidency is what I am about and excited for and want in this country needs and I and she has some good plans. One of them is about fixing fucking price gouging these fucking grocery stores that are ruining people's lives.

That is something you care about, and I've heard you talk about. Yes, it matters, and especially with cereal.

Oh, the cereal thing was creaty. They were trying to charge fucking fourteen dollars for like a box of Lucky Charms, And I said, hey, that's my dinner. What are you doing? How dare you.

How many mush marshmallow shapes or mushroom shapes? Is there a mushroom is what I was going to ask. I don't think so purple mushrooms.

There could be a actually that sounds familiar, Yeah.

Only at like a music festival. Do you want to take more purple mushrooms. I yeah, I feel like that that is important because groceries are it's staggering. Just in this past year, every time I go to a grocery store, that's one of those things situations where I'm like, no one can afford this. I'm doing okay, and I'm still like I'm nervous when I buy a bunch of groceries. Yes, imagine as an entire family, someone that's trying to feed a bunch of faces.

Yeah, it's ridiculous.

Yeah, it's the worst.

And also it's like it's not just grocery stores. It's like everyone saw grocery stores doing it and we're like, oh, okay, well then now the McDonald's combo meals are now going to be you know, fifteen dollars, and it's like, excuse me, McDonald's, how dare you.

Yeah, it's it's really gotten ridiculous, especially fast food. It's like, oh, I could go to a good place, yeah instead of this, This is ridiculous. But the fact that that's always been the argument for why I should be preparing my meals at home as it's cheaper, But these days it's like I could have had someone else make this and it would have been better and maybe just cost a dollar more. It shouldn't be that way. No, they need to get lower.

It shouldn't. It has to change.

Just that idea of like that is that's a real policy and a real idea of like fixing the many problems in this country, as opposed to an old guy who is just being a weird racist and has no ideas and isn't going to do anything like I don't understand Trump voters are kidding themselves and doing a huge disservice to basically everybody else in the country.

Yeah, they just aren't taking life seriously. I can't figure it out. I'm very That's what I think about every day when I wake up. It's like, are are people not seeing the same things I'm seeing? You know when you think about well, I know that's the color red, but how do we know that everyone else is seeing the same color? I feel like that's I don't know what other people are really seeing or yeah, weird.

No, that's the word of existence. That's kind of the and I think that is the Internet. The inevitability of what was going to happen with the Internet, because fake news and all that where it's basically like, that's not real, the verified source is not real.

We decide what's real or it's like.

But then can't you admit that the people that are saying that are manipulating things to say this isn't real or is real based on what their agenda is.

It's interesting to think that it's that paranoia about the rig collection that is making me worried about my ballot. It's seeping into my own actual my brain that should know better. It's well, but I shouldn't be worried.

Well, because twenty twenty we were all that was insane. We watched people storm the fucking capital. People we knew stormed the fucking Capitol.

I didn't know that guy very well. I saw him in passing once when I visited.

I knew him. Whoa, whoa did you hear that?

Yeah that I think it came from above, And I don't mean heaven, I mean the overpath. I yeah, it's it's yeah, yeah, I think that that's my paranoia is just it's just something I have. I don't know, if you're not alone, maybe it also is. There was one time where I saw an old guy and this is a tear jerker of a story. But I really saw an old guy try and put a letter into a recycling bin because I was blue, sure, and I had to intervene and say, that's not a mailbox. It sure

To have it go nowhere. Yeah, but then you stepped in, which is nice.

This is one of your step in stories that I sup.

I ran across the street. Yeah, I And the only reason I did it is so later I could talk about it on the podcast. But I did also, but.

You did it it still, I did do it. At this partially counts.

Yea thank you. Yeah, I do a goode.

I like the I like oldies.

They're goodies.

I mean, they're okay, but they need to wear better glasses.

Yeah, that actually sounds like the kind of thing I would do because I just am very indignantly not wearing my glasses.

This guy, more than anything, Yeah, was just not paying attention. And I could see I could relate to what he is about to do because the mailbox was right there. But today at the ballot I was like kept looking because it was right next to because the drop off place was a library. It was right next to a book depository. Oh yeah, and I want to know how many ballots are in that book. Ha, Like I'm being paranoid because of this the news that other people are

Well, can I say something I heard John Lovett say on the.

The Crooked Media Guy. Yeah you has love it or leave it?

Yeah, it's his podcast, and he was saying Trump is actually making these weird insinuations that they have a little surprise for everybody. He was saying that, and he I don't like that, No, it's very scary. But he's like, so what we do to make sure that there's no surprise possible is we have to win.

Democrats have to win the House so that Hakeem.

Jeffries is the speaker because if Mike Johnson's the speaker. He's going to be the one that says, oh, this she won by a landslide, and yet I'm not going to validate it. And these people are like, it's we're at that point where they're just overt cheaters and psychos. So we have to win the house. So now the but everybody's like everybody who cares and wants it wants

And I've heard that, I've heard that I think that the secret isn't a secret anymore, and hopefully that is the secret. Yeah, but now I'm paranoid and I'm like, what if it's a different secret.

I mean, he could have multiple secrets for sure.

Oh we know heyes so many dirty little secrets.

He's an insane rapist and that's no secret.

It is not imagine the things that are a secret.

Republican courts have actually confirmed that fact. It is not gossip. I'm not being a bitch.

Can you I don't think you are either? Explain to me what the electoral college. Is I know this question. It sounds like pretend I'm an alien and I just got lower down gelatinous and I rolled down a conveyor belt ramp.

I mean this is I am truly the last person

You know what I mean they have or Montana, where I'm from, Yeah, we get too. Yeah, it's the same, it's worth the same as California, which has so many more people.

Yeah, exactly.

So it should be based on what the what the public and the populations of people actually want, as opposed to these weird systems that got set up that actually are just systems that are basically set to scam.

Right, But that but it.

Seems like there's not of right, not a lot of Republican people that hate the electoral college.

No, because it gives they are in the minority.

It gives them this advantage and it makes them believe that they are not where it's they're like, well, we got this so this is a red state, this is a blue state. And it's like, actually, if you this is not a fact. But I'm here's an example of

It's like.

These guys, yeah, they're they're having a real film in Louise. They're about to grant class hands and go off a cliff.

There was they were driving the filma in Louise car. Yeah, and they looked like a hipsters with beer.

Their hair was very well done, if I'm not mistaken. The passenger was comedian nick Yusif and his hair has never looked better. I just my whole life. I've heard my parents and other Democrats I know complain about a well if it weren't for the electoral college. But people are talking about trying to get rid of it.

Yeah, I think they've been think I signed the thing they've been trying for a while. It feels like the heater in my car is on I mean seat, oh, the.

Seed heater my sea.

I for instance, I often say, without trying to be funny, heat seedar. And that's one of the better examples. There has to be a word for Chambele's conkie soup. There has to be a word for people that do that.

Yeah, I bet there is.

Yeah, I'm going to learn it because I have it, and I'm assuming. I'm assuming now it's a disease. It is, But I have that means like COVID when I was like ten, because I've been doing this forever.

You got it first I did.

I did it was the for I was patient zero.

Let me just circle back and say that I should have never even tried to start explaining the electoral college to you because I don't technically know what it is. So why would I pretend I don't know what's wrong with me?

Because you know you're talking to me, and I you probably you know more than me. I just wanted to hear what I kind of already knew. But it's vague to everyone. I think that's the point.

It's kind of vague, but it is, you know it because it is this Oh my god that BMW.

What about it?

It was just like, oh, yeah, it's just hanging out in front of people and let go and it's like stop. Everyone needs to stop driving, like their thing is more important.

Yeah.

I think it might be called Spoonerism.

I was just looking it up. Oh, nice, a spoonerism.

Spoonerism. I think you're right. That does sound and familiar on a lie.

Is it because that's a character from a Dickens book and that's missus Spooner.

I'm not kidding. Oh wow. No.

It says that it was coined after William Archibald Spooner, who was a clergyman of a New College of a New College of Oxford University, dean and professor. So he was I guess he was known for doing that, swapping parts of different words with each other.

Oh, maybe Dickens was referencing him. I just like saying Dickens, especially around the holiday.

It is fun.

It is a good time. I saw a giant truck today with a huge Yeah it was adorable. No, it was one of those jacked up ones where you're confronted by what what kind of a person in this There was tinted windows, big old truck, giant American flag, What are they up to? But then they had a they had a Trump sticker. No, yeah, so there you don't see a lot of uh lefty patriots flapping the flag because it is weird for all of the American flag, especially when it's giant and flapping not at a school

Yes, what they say safe? Yeah, well not anymore. Though.

I think your point is correct that it's it feels like it's changing and people are trying to take it back, because that makes more sense that a person who's fucked Trump would be pro America, because Trump is very anti American.

Yeah. Maybe they got that sticker and they're like, finally, now I can use that giant flag.

Yeah.

I bought that mount for the back of my truck.

Finally. Yeah, my liberal I was a Bernie bro Ya just wanted this was.

Like a Bernie bro I am doing stand up tonight and I'm thinking of wearing my costume.

Is that a fire up ahead? It looks like one.

Let's be the first one there? Boo her father. It's okay. Her father was a fireman, and I have a brother in law and a nephew. There are fire, There is flames. I see it.

Do you really?

Yeah, it's a real fire. Maybe that isn't a flame. I think it's a golden statue on a building, but a light hit it in a certain way.

It could be Universal Studios doing something.

Or we're about to drive towards it's it's a smoke machine and we're about to go to a pumpkin patch. They're so fun to stumble upon accidentally.

Have you been to one this season?

I haven't. I haven't. I forgot about pumpkins being part of Halloween. Yeah, it just didn't think a carving one. I didn't think of buying one and letting it rot on my on my porch and getting rid of it in late November.

Yep.

I do have a joke. Do you mind if we do a little joke workshopping?

That'd be great.

I do have a because I only do it during Halloween. But it's a I used to have a black cat, and this real situation of the cat was meowing at my jack o' lantern as if to say, hey, why don't you clean this up? It's rotten and sagging, and I'm like, okay, kittie, fine, and it all unravels into this perfect Hallmark Halloween greeting card moment. Because this really happened.

The witch could say, hey, you cheap ask give out full sized candy bars? Would it kill you to give out full size kids? And then going and fly off, Or she could be like, you do know they killed a bunch of us, right, right, right?

Maybe the Witch should bring up Salem.

I'm kind of going off topic because I can't think of what you are actually asking.

It's very hard. Yes, and I knew when I was going into it, like with a lot of my stories, that it was gonna end either without a payoff or just confusing, and that one was just it was confusing.

I mean, it's I got the assignment. I just I don't know. I think I might need I feel the pressure. Yeah, oh god, it would be cool to just immediately have this answer.

That's all I can think about.

Sometimes riding along with me is like being in a stressful writer's room.

Like taking the SATs again.

Oh sorry, long division it is. I just yeah, I will just list all of the things that happened and then have the Witch say something about my personality is because I was I'm an aquarius.

Although is that why because.

Because I procrastinate?

No? No, no, Why would the Witch be saying that?

Because she kind of parked in front of the moon, and that's the last image I have in this greeting card situation. So I feel like the witch should say something to me. Oh it also lets people know that that part absolutely didn't happen.

Yeah, right right.

This is also a joke that's only gotten a chuckle every October.

Yeah, do you have you overwritten it? Does it take too long to get to Oh?

Like most of my jokes, yes, yeah, yeah, I gotta trim the fat.

I like that she parked in front of the moon. That's pretty funny.

Yeah, from them, she made me have a kickstand on her broom.

She could have a kickstand. Then she says, meet me at party City, and you just kind of do a commercial.

Yeah, okay, okay, perfect. I'll come up with a jingle that includes the phone number to party City.

What could it be?

Oh the jingle?

Well, I mean, I guess Pararty City, Party City.

It's just a phone call away party City.

Why are you calling here? We don't have a landline.

I just wanted to know if you had any balloons, That's what I'll ask. It is all part of the ad.

What could the witch say put that pumpkin down or that's not funny, right, yeah, I do like it.

You know, they killed a lot of us in Salem.

But you're screaming about a rat, right something like that.

Yeah, yeah, and you're worried about a rat. What about me? I you know what, I'm just not going to do that joke.

Oh well, I wish I could have held.

No, it's I'm sorry that I sprung this assignment on you.

I mean it is fun to do kind of a you know, like a free verse writing assignment.

Well, last time, when I was going to do my sketch where I get electrocuted and then uh wait I have someone says my purse was stolen, it worked very well, by the way.

Oh good, yeah, wait did I do that?

And Annalis had at the end, maybe in the purse is an anecdote and an anecdote for the.

Poison Oh yeah, oh that's right.

Yeah, so the person who's purse got stolen was actually trying to kill me or it was poisoned.

And you're telling you're telling us that our participation in that joke kind of that was make it was the make.

It, thank you break It was a successful writing session.

Okay, that's great to hear yes, Now I'd like to pitch, do some pitching the witch.

Okay, what if.

The Witch parks in front of the moon and then you look look up and then she looks down at you.

And goes, I have diabetes. Just stop it.

Oh okay, No, So the Witch is like Wilford Brimley.

It's like a Wilford Brimley. But it's kind of pointing to candy.

Oh, because of candy.

Because of candy.

Okay, I think this is good. Now, these are all things. I'm gonna just put it in a bag and mix it up and see what sticks.

I got another one.

Okay.

The Witch parks her broom, stops, looks down at you, and says, make America great again.

Okay. It so it's more political. It turns it into a political joke. I mean you're super political comedian. Yes, yes, I pushed a lot of buttons. I split a lot of rooms.

I feel like Halloween is the one non political night. Yeah, but people can just really be themselves and put all that aside.

I feel bad that we I even had all these political questions so close to Halloween.

I feel bad that I basically alienated the many, many Trump voters who love this podcast.

There there probably are some, but I assume that if they listen to this podcast, they might be just regular old Republicans. O l e.

What if we have old literally like eighty five podcast a lot of old listeners?

What zello, I've never seen that before.

Yeah, I'm a little confused. Oh we ran into a tree.

Oh whoops in the other lane.

I oh't know. I'll think about something with the witch. Here's the second workshop assignment tonight. I'm doing a hot tub and I'm gonna wear my costume and it is I'll show you a video after, but it's just me in a bin with fake legs, and then a giant guy that I made is carrying the bin. Oh, my real legs are his legs. It's a lot like Elvis on the toilet. But it's right, a guy carrying me around and it looks hilarious. It really looks like I'm in this bin, okay, And the guy is very scary.

You?

No? Should I say? I have a new manager and he's here to watch my set.

I think it's this is my so that you're directly making sure the audience understands.

Right.

Oh, guys, sorry, this is my new manager. He's here to watch my set.

Yeah. That's the thing that I always do. I think I'm not going to address something, and then I have to. I have to, you know how, I like to just blurt the truth. I will end up just talking about how it's my cost.

If you say the manager line, which is really funny, then you can go. You know, I had to get new representation. I'm just tired of being put.

In a box. Right.

Oh, A series of puns, of course, will occur, right, even you already had that plan. I did have some thoughts on it, but yeah, let's hear I have not come up with them. Actually, the box one was the one I thought.

Did you Yes, Well, I mean it's pretty obvious.

You said the phrase correctly, okay, yeah, and I was I was going to say it wrong until you said it.

Thanks you really being nice about the fact that I can't think of a witch joke, and I appreciate it.

It's okay, I don't leave it up. It First of all, it doesn't make sense. It's hard to describe a joke without actually telling it. But I'm not going to actually tell it, because that's the worst thing a comedian can do conversationally.

Is tell a joke.

Yeah, that's why if you're on morning radio, they'll call you out on it. Wait, was that from your act? Yeah, I'm here to promote my stand up. You dip, you dip shit, and then i'd spill their coffee.

What if the witch? M h.

I did want it to be something about the moon and me being an aquarius, so maybe I can just look that up.

Okay, Well, I mean I.

Feel like, no, I could do this slum which I could do the Amanic America Great Again thing.

No, don't, please, don't do my jokes out of pity. That's the worst kind of comedy, a pity for your podcast co hosts.

Comedy.

None of what I'm saying even makes sense about the witch, So it's not like I solved it for you.

I forgot to mention that the rat was still wearing the top of the jack lantern, the top of the pumpkin like a little top hat, and he kind of pulls it off and goes and tips his hat. That's kind of a cute. That's what you can see in a greeting car.

That is very cute.

When describing the situation, I'm good at making it look like an illustration.

I've got it, but it falls flat with the witch. Are you ready?

What does she say?

She pulls up in front of the moon and goes raps.

Well, it did just make me laugh. It did just make me laugh.

That's because it was my seventh try, and it's getting more pathetic as I go.

I think I'll just yes, I'll look up something and it would be funny if the if it's something I hear all the time about aquariuses, I don't usually listen, but there's something about Oh that's what I was initially asking, Yeah, what is that about Aquarius people?

Aquariuses people don't like they're well it's not I mean, I don't know about that, but they're they're kind of weird to themselves already. They're independent freethinkers. They're kind of rebels in that way.

Are they bad in relationships?

Depends I think on what who the other sign is of the really right?

That's the thing I'm not willing to chart that I wouldn't. Yeah, it's uh. It always seems like when I tell people I'm an aquarius, it usually seems like it's bad news. What if you so I had disdain.

For I mean, but then there's some people are like, oh my god, that aquerus is What if you what if the witch pulls up parks in front of the moon, You look up and then she goes smash or pass?

Okay, okay.

What if she says something trendy? What if she says.

Slay queen, something that's happening in the in the parlance of today.

You know, I don't have I don't have enough current like lex lexicon, lexapro, lexipro. I need to Maybe I could ask her for uh, to renew my prescription for lexapro.

She pulls up and says, mm hmm, Chris, have you been microdosing right or macro dosing because you are on drugs?

Ohay, okay, and I will use that exact delivery.

This feels a little bit like having to write a sketch with a fifth.

Grader and I am and I realize I'm that fifth grader.

No, I'm We're in the same class. Oh okay, yeah, in that assignment, we both rather be at resets right now.

Yes, I'm just staring out the window but saying whatever.

Yeah, I'm just gonna have the witch say something that you hear a lot from people that are do tarot cards. Or maybe she pulls out tarot cards and says, hey, here's here's the death card. Don't worry, it's not a bad thing.

What if she pulls up and says, smash that like button. Do you see that guy wearing boxes on his head? There was a guy literally wearing boxes on his head and carrying boxes.

Really for real? Was it part of a costume or he was just.

Kind of trying to entertain himself as he walked down the street.

He was balancing the boxes.

No, he it was fully on, kind of robot style on his face.

Well, I've done that before. I'm known to wear boxes.

Boxes or briefs. See, I did that just fine.

It was great.

It was fine because you didn't assign it to me.

I know, well it fixed the meeting.

Wait, is that guy on the corner wearing a mask?

No, it appears that there's just a receipt or a piece of paper crumpled up as like a Clydesdale Horse Blinder first.

Because because they don't like walking down the street. I agree.

The guy's tired of anything peripheral, so he puts some trash in his hat.

I'm tired of looking over there, that guy is saying to himself.

Yeah, yeah, that's look at her good Halloween shirt. That's pretty good.

We should tell her she's talking now she's got a we like your shirt that I noticed.

There's a witch on your shirt?

What should she what should she say?

What if it's my broom's out again? You're just going to pitch through it.

You get somewhere That might be the winner. I stopped in from and said, Oh, my broom's out of gas. I love the idea of a broom needing gas.

It's pretty good.

See now you're writing for the host of our fifth grade show that doesn't exist.

I finally I get to have a say from my fifth grade position.

And that'll get the half chuckle that I need to continue to tell this joke in twenty twenty five.

I feel like the witch should acknowledge the weirdness of you just continuing to build the scene. Right, What if I think I have it? The witch pulls up parks in front of the moon and goes and scene. Okay, okay, you're just saying that. Do you want me to stop pitching? No, I'm not going to.

I say, okay, okay when I'm seriously thinking about something, yeah.

Okay, about something being just okay.

Okay, okay, yeah, great, good, good game. I'm something else. I'm open to it.

Cowboys, Oh yeah, that was that was actual h That.

Was actual costumes. That was We're non cowboy.

Part of town, which pulls up in front of the move and says, uh, Wicked playing now at your local theater, which.

I which, by the way, I really want to see.

Do you know that at the beginning I saw this on TikTok At the beginning of Wicked, there is a card that goes up that says, nobody wants to hear you singing. Sorry, that's no.

It was the I mean that person shouldn't be at a full forty five degree angle.

He pulled. He pulled so far into his line, he was coming into art.

It was okay, it was your reaction was okay, okay. What he was doing was not open, was not That's why I'm on your side.

Thank you. I appreciate.

You've been on my side since the bad pitch has started, and you're continuing through me, putting you into physical danger.

So what did the cards say at the beginning of Wicked?

The movie? Basically, do not sing along with this movie. No one wants to hear it.

That's great.

Finally, now they need to figure out a way to put that in front of concerts and live shows. Yeah, it's crazy the way people do that these days.

You know What's I'm going to go see? And I'm not doing it jokingly. There is a musical, Back to the Future Musical, and I really want to see it. Not because that's a movie that helped form my personality and got me started with skateboarding, but because I imagine, much like Ghosts of the Musical, which I did go to as a joke, right, what's blown away by the practical stage effects projecting images on a mesh screen. I

There's gonna be a real tree he falls out of.

There is so many special effects in that movie that we're groundbreaking. I really want to see what they do for a live stage.

And you're right, I think like, because it's like a feature film that they had to buy the rights to, there must be a big budget, yeah that they're like, oh, yeah this, people will come to this.

You gotta go, you got to invest. Yes, people will come.

And it is a musical. So I'm of course not going for uh you know, sce scenes from that movie that I always felt like should have been a song like what uh no I did there? I do not want to hear that. I'm actually gonna plug my ear unless it's Lewis in the news. I ain't listening to the music. Oh, I just want to see the visuals. Okay, I'm going for the visuals of this music.

My hands disappearing something like that. Yes, that's what you do want to hear.

I only partially see my brother in this photo.

I didn't like him anyway, Doc, where are you? I have to get to school.

Look a guitar ramp. I guess I'll play a tool. The tool is made for music, and I'd like to pluck the strings. Watch me dance, Watch me dance, watch me dance and sing? Yes, Hey, how's that? It was fucking great. Thanks. I hope I don't get sued.

You can't because that was your original creation.

Jim clear it I've invented at skateboard because it's nineteen fifty five.

Look out, guys, here's a truck full of poop. When at any time did they carry around that much manure? Never? Never?

Never? And it wasn't real poop, by the way.

Oh good to know. Yeah, it was all oreos.

I uh. The speaking of musical comedy, who's the guy that played Biff? He's a comp to Tom Tom.

Yeah, I've seen this song you're about to talk about, and I love it.

You know he does guitar comedy. I know he's and he does have a song where he sings about all the questions people ask, I know regarding you.

That's what you know.

You know what I'm talking about. I thought you were just saying, yes, I know there's a guy named Tom. Yes, I know he does guitar comedy. No, yes, I know Tom Wilson.

It's such a funny song.

Here's something you might not know. He is a great like pop artist. He paints old toys photo realistically and he's a very good painter.

Oh, I didn't know that and I will give you that.

Yes, thank you. Go to Tom Wilson art dot com. I think which is true?

Which is true? It could be true?

Yeah, but yeah, that's I'm very excited.

I love that song. It's so funny and the way he does it is so funny.

Yeah, I can't remember, and I'm you know, I'm not gonna sing it. But it is a list of questions people ask you. Yeah, yeah, it's so funny. One of them is that real poop, which is why I brought it up, because it's part of the song and it's a dumb question.

I feel like that video actually went viral because that song is so good. So I bet you, like a lot of people know what we're talking about.

Yeah, yeah, you're right.

It's just such a good, little succinct clip, like two minute comedy clip.

Yeah. I gotta come up with more of those.

Well when I nail this witch line?

Yeah, which, which, so I should probably bring a camera tonight. You think it's ready to be recorded for sure, for all time and permanently placed on the internet.

Seems like it.

What if the witch pulls up parks in front of the moon and goes, hey, wrap it up. Oh, right, talking about the whole story you've been telling you, Yeah, what if.

The witch just gives me the light?

Yeah, instead of a line, that's what you say, what if and the light is the moon?

I have the house and the house being outdoors at Permanent records. Okay, do a spotlight on my face, and suddenly we're like, oh, that is the moon. This is amazing.

People think the real moonas come to the show, right.

Yeah, yeah, that's the one that plays piano from the McDonald's plans.

That guy, Yes, truly a real talent on the level with Tom Wilson.

Yes, I believe it is Wilson a relation to any of the Beach Boys.

As far as I know, as far as I know, as far as you know. Wait a second, is that the same guy that was in mind Hunter? Did you ever watch mind Hunter? The Story the True Story of the FBI guys.

That Yes, Yes, it's great.

The Tom Wilson looking guy that's in it. Oh that's not Tom, no, no, but he it's got a similar.

Cut of jib, Yes, similar cut of jib crew cut. And also also an actor that's been around for a while.

That's one of those shows where you're like, oh, they'll continue with this, right, it's wildly popular. Why not?

Nope, No, we're done two seasons.

And then everyone's like, ooh, the season three is going to be incredible, and they're like, nope, we don't see the value in making that.

Well, you're fools.

Oh look this guy is coming to pick up his jug of p No, now this is mine. Chips it up, pretending you.

Don't see it mine. Okay.

There was a thing I saw on TikTok that was kind of amazing. It was a guy saying I need to solve a mystery in my neighborhood. There was an electrical box, so you know, like the free standing shild box, and somebody had been putting individual like orange juice containers of pea on top of it, and there was like twelve and then they would disappear and then they'd start again, and this guy was like, how is this happening?

He would drive by and see it over like months at a time. So he started to make this video of like, I don't know, I don't know what to like.

It sounds like Christian Duguet's Valley Heat podcast, Yes, something that he would be reporting.

It's so crazy, and I didn't get to see like how it resolved.

It's funny because because you just said, people are going to probably know what we're talking about, because I do. I watched the first few seconds of that and then I just cry a watching it because I was like, I'm not in a Jars of Pea mood right now, and so I don't know how it ended.

Oh oh, I thought they tried to trick me into going to there, but I'm going over here. Oh but they did. Oh, they did trick you, And I have to go back out.

Do you want me to get out and move that cone? No. I brought a Neon orange vest.

Just in chase. Oh don't that city worker is rerouting our drive through system.

When I first started skating at Costco, and they weren't. Now they love us there. They wave high, they wave hello, they wave goodbye, they know our names, they're sweet.

What about in between waves?

In between waves, they're like, grow up, get a job, stuff like that. But they're right, I need to do both. I have orange cones for when the cars start to come, just to keep people from parking where we skate, and an orange vest just in case it came to that, so it looks like I work for the city. It's a great way for no one to ever question what you're doing.

Do you see what's happening right now?

It is bizarre and I'm very confused because and so is that person. How did they even get in there? What is happening?

I feel like, uh, somebody with a reflective vest who shouldn't be wearing it. Chris tricked me, you're right, that's why I thought of that. It's there, it's over there.

Okay, it's starting to Yeah, we're starting to see it now, so sorry, Well, we're trying very hard to go to Wendy's drive through for the SpongeBob SquarePants Crabby Patty. Is that what it's called?

Yes, that's correct.

Okay, very excited, what a cliffhanger for people to have to tune in for the next one to listen to us. Okay, this is very exciting. This is like an episode of a sitcom where it's serious and they don't play the theme song at the end. Yeah, because we want to keep you on your toes.

Yeah, they play the done on Yeah.

The slow daunting version.

Yes, I like that.

We're going to order the Krabby patties and come next week with your ears to hear how they tasted. You're gonna love, You're gonna you're gonna love us describing our senses of tastes.

Okay, so is this Krabby Patty just a hamburger like normal?

Oh, I'm a little well, we don't know until next week if it's just a hamburger or actually made of real dungeonese main crab.

The witch pulls up and goes, I thought I was a rich I thought I was a crabby Patty.

And then another witch pulls up and said, you are Patty.

And then a third witch pulls up.

He's like, actually, now I'm gonna sue you for IPEd Frenchman, and.

Then they go, well, don't the three of us go back to Eastwick. Okay, here we go, Here we go.

Well, you're gonna have to tune in to see how this all tastes. Oh, it'll be the first thing we me. My god, people will be how are you gonna how are you going to handle a whole week?

Not knowing they're the nail biting the the will they ever find a line for the Witch? Does Karen think she's actually a comedy writer? After that pathetic showing?

You did great? But these people are going to be They're in for a week. Some of you are going to be in straight jackets by the end. It's going to drive you crazy.

Yeah.

Not knowing what we suggest and we don't work for Wendy's is you go try your own and then we do a compare and contrast.

Oh yeah, although no pressure because that's kind of weird.

I don't mean to do a common Yeah, and whatever your opinions are, we won't hear them.

Yes, and we don't care.

That's that's what we should leave on.

We don't care. You've been listening to do you Need to Ride? You are?

This has been an exactly right production.

Our senior producer is Annalise Nelson.

Mixed by Edson Choy.

Our talent booker is Patrick Kotner.

Theme song by Karen Kilgareth.

Artwork by Chris Fairbanks.

Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.

For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.

Thank you, Oh, You're welcome.