Are you leaving? I you wanna way back home? Either way, we want to be there, doesn't matter how much baggage you claim and give us time and they terminol and gay a.
We want to send you off in starve. We wanna welcome you back home.
Tell us all about it. We scared her? Was it fine? Malborn?
Do you need to ride?
Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do you need to ride? Do your need to ride.
With Karen and Chris? Hmmm, welcome to Do you need a ride? This is Chris.
Fairbanks and this is Karen Kilgaro.
Hello, my friend. How was your weekend?
Hello? Let's see it was good. I did a couple of things. I went into the sun, I did some swimming.
Get a little vitamin. Is it E or D?
I think it's D.
We're all deficient with a capital vitamin D of some of some vitamin. Maybe you're you're outsurfing, You're not if you're not thinking about that one.
It's probably B or magnesium. You gotta chase these vitamins and take them all at once and then just pee them all out.
Yeah, exactly what you need from them will not be in the p don't you worry.
Here's where Chris and Karen starts selling you supplements on this book.
Yes, and it's just the concept of supplements. We aren't peddling anything specific. But no, this is and you've heard of your whole life. Much like you're going out. It's cold where you're mittens. You don't want to catch a cold. Take your vitamins.
Yes, we are selling empty capsules that basically represent you trying to take vitamins. Yes, and if you take them, if we're only eighty nine ninety nine a month, you can take them.
Oh wow, that took it. I didn't expect you to say that. I guess we are trying to make money.
Get our capsules, capsules filled with joy?
Yes, are you and a lot of people. They're adults, most of them, that's true. We don't have a lot of kids listening to this. Yes, and they don't have their moms reminding them daily of things. So that's why we're here.
That's right. Did you take Flintstones vitamins when you were a little.
I think that mine were like a knockoff brand. They're just kind of shaped like fruits and different things. Okay, they didn't have the licensed Hanna Barbara characters.
You didn't get to have neolithic and or cro Magnan men shaped vitamins.
That's sad, no, because it's it's so funny, because who thought of what you should be putting in your body less than fred a man who ate carcized ribs and bold. They had terrible diets uh and pterodactyls for garbage disposals.
I mean those people, they were living on the edge health wise in every way.
Much like the any particular shade agree you're waiting for honey stoplight joke in Flintstones. There were a lot of jokes for grown ups in there. Yes, And when I was a kid, I knew when I was getting something that was maybe above my and I paid to be a child and you did great. Yeah, I made a killing. And one of those things was when they broke the third wall or is it fourth wall? They broke down a wall and had, yeah, had one of the animals look in the camera to announce, I hate my job.
It's a living That's what that. The garbage disposal bird always was like, Jesus, what am I doing? It's a living heavy.
Which is yeah, I love it so weird to believe as children that back in the Stone Age they would pay give a paycheck to all these animals that served as appliance.
I mean it was I never understood. I didn't understand that one. And there was a Tom and Jerry. There wasn't like a promo for Tom and Jerry that was like, what is the one thing you shouldn't have to advertise? Or is cartoons after school? Like we just I felt
like we felt required to watch cartoons after school. It was like what you did, yeah in that time, But there was a Tom and Jerry promo and they were like it was like the narrator or the commentator or whatever was was basically like talking you through of like why you should watch Tom and Jerry after school and then the last thing was like Tom hitting Jerry over the head with a mallet. Yeah, And then narrator was like, ooh that's smart. And it obsessed me for months where
I was like what does that mean? Like I've never heard that, and it's like, oh, you're using like old guys, old guy slang from the forties and fifties.
Yeah, because old guys were making that. Yeah, you're like when I looked at my dad's yearbook and all of his friends. The going phrase was you're a good you're a good head. A good head, yeah, not a good egg, you're a good head. Which when I was a kid, and I'm like, my dad in high school was blowing everyone. I know, that's what I thought. It's what I still believe. No, no, that's just his detailed campfire stories. I'm just kidding. No, my dad, my dad's a real missionary man. Let's change
the subject. Yeah, there are phrases that are out and you can even watch a movie from the early two thousands.
I think my dad told me because you know, when I was became a teenager, that's when the Valley girl movement began and has never really ended in California. And so everybody overnight was talking like Munzappa in that song and everyone was using that slang. Yeah, and my dad would he didn't love it, and he was always kind of teasing us for it. But then I was like, well, what was the slang? What did you call like a nerd or a dork when you were in high school?
And he was like he had to think about it for a second. He goes, oh, we call those guys a Tim looks a Tim? A what a Tim like a guy's name?
Oh you're a real Tim, You're a Tim? Really?
Yeah, that's I'm hilarious.
Yeah, I wonder what the origin of that is.
Probably a natural guy that there were being really mean to.
Oh yeah, yeah, it was very a regional phrase that Tim was a famous uh nerd a.
Famous dork in San Francisco.
Oh that's great.
It's nineties. I don't know, eight degrees here in Los Angeles today.
Everybody, Yes, it is, and it feels hotter and we don't know why. And I'm tired of every day I walk outside and I'm suddenly swimming in what seems like a sea if my own body temperature, you know that feeling where you go outside and it's like, oh, I'm well that's overeat yes immediately, Yeah, it's uh And it's silly to talk about because I'm I'm we'd you're all.
Hot right now, we all are in every different kind of way.
Yeah, so so it Yes, it's our hot summer. It's not the kind we expected. We're simply hot. Potzy that's the name that my in my dad's region. That guy's a Potzi Potsy.
Yes, because that was in Happy Days, right, huh.
And I don't know if it was. I think it was pre I think the old guys that were maybe my dad's age that wrote on happy Days because I was late at sixties, early.
Seventies, right, Happy Days was the seventies.
So that they were using their yeah phrase and they're like, ha, let's call him a pazzi. His name's Potzy.
That's hilarious.
Yeah. Yeah. So that it took me that long too. It took a subject change, and you know me, I'll go back to the I like subject sandwiches.
Yes, those are the most delicious for pots Yeah.
Yeah, with weather meat.
As we're talking about being hot and all these things, I think I'm going to need an iced beverage of some kind.
I'm all for it. Okay, great, I do. I have a comedy concert tonight at seven, but I think that we're going to be okay. I think I did want to try and do something a little different tonight, and I want to run it.
By you, Okay.
I in almost defiance of everyone doing crowd work, I do see that it works, and I want to do a planned thing where there's some plants in the audience, and I thought maybe a good thing would be I bring a bucket, fill it halfway with water, and I have the cord just kind of dipping into it in a safe way. Yeah, okay, or there doesn't you know, it doesn't even have to be water in the bucket, just a.
If you're going to do some clowning, right, well.
Maybe we could go in that direction. What I had planned was just not addressing it, of course, for the first twenty minutes or so. Then once I touch the mic or something, I feign being electrocuted. The lights I'll talk to the house lights operator will flicker go out for a second. That's when the three x five card I've handed to a woman in the front row in private, she will read from it and yell, oh my god,
my purse is gone. Then the lights will come back, come back up, and there's a side door next to the stage. I will have someone just shut that from backstage. So then I'll run back there and kick and tussle like Heathcliff behind the curtain, making punch sounds a little gaffer fully work of a fight, and then come out with the purse and hand it to the woman. Then the only thing I'll prep the crowd with is at the end of this cheer and stand up and lift me up in the air, so it'll be a clip
of a guy of a guy thwarting a theft. And now I'll just take that little clip and it'll be dollar signs online.
What do you think, Well, okay, a couple questions. Yes, First of all, overall loving this. I think taking crowd work to the next level where it's actually just a crowd play.
Yes, great idea, I like when other people do it.
Yes. And I also I'm concerned about the cheering at the end. I think that's you're just trying to put that in there to make yourself feel better. Know what.
I added that in the moment because I thought it was going nowhere.
No, it's absolutely gone somewhere. Here's the thing, How are you going to get that water on the stage without drawing so much attention to it that it becomes distracting just sitting there.
You're very right, that was the thing I went. That's the only reason I brought it up is because I thought, well, if I get there early, I'll I'll just have the bucket off to the side, dip the mic cord in it, and the previous comics will go their whole sets without even noticing the bucket, or I'll tell them, don't say anything about the bucket, all right.
Or you could have the comic that goes on before you bring the bucket out and leave it there.
Or I don't even need the bucket. I just get electrocuted by the microphone.
Yes, that's right, that's the answer. But the electrocution part then enables the lights to go out, so then the lady can say, my purse has been stole.
Yes, that's the only reason the lights are going out.
And so if you've been electrocuted to the point, so you have to do it in a way where people can see that you've stopped being electrocuted before the lights.
Go out, right, the lights will go out all way down on the ground, and when the lights come back up, I'll kind of shake my head disoriented, and I'm back in action because I found out, in spite of almost dying, someone had their perse stolen, and I got to act fast, ma'am. There, then you hear the door close and I jump into action. Okay, yeah, no, I've been burnt to a crisp internally.
Do you have many charcoal that you can stick on your face real quick, so when you wake up, you are seen as being electrocuted.
It's so funny. Which I still have my hair, because if I just wiped charcoal on my face and put my hair in the air, but out of context, that would seem like I don't want to do that now, Okay, I want maybe if I put I just made my glasses crooked. How about that?
Sure? Okay, glasses crooked and maybe charcoal on the hand that was holding the mic.
I know what I'll do. Yes, I'm going to make my glass, my glasses crooked and in the dark, take a huge puff of my vape and then when they come back up, smarcle fly out of my mouth. Yes, I'm so glad we had this workshop.
Me too. Now moving on to the second part. Yes, I'm just kidding. But so you're going to go back and fight the fight a fake burglar, right, and then come back with the purse. Right, Let's find out what this final moment is, right, because I just think you need a button, right, ma'am, here's your purse.
Yes it's not enough.
Well, I just think there's like a there's a final funny joke and maybe it could be something that happened. That's it's a callback and you have to figure out what it is. Like ma'am, here's your purse, yeah, and like and good luck at your job at the post office or whatever.
Right, that's not it, No, but I know yeah, yeah, you're you're saying something in that first part of that. Your show will dictate it and I will simply reference that and not worry about it.
Right now, is there something from your act that you can that's an object you can put in that purse so that you give the purse, She opens the purse, pulls out the thing from your act that you talked about verbally, but no one actually fight.
Okay, what would that be?
Start going through your jokes. Yes, items in your jokes?
Yeah, first, yeah, for something. There's something in the purse.
So I'm getting a spam call if I take this.
Yeah, I mean that's a call straight from Hawaii. I've been getting all these spam calls from Chiquita Banana.
What yeh.
The point is all spam calls come from Hawaii when I was in Maui. That's that. What I just said made no sense. But there was in Maui. It's it's chiquita this, chaqueta that, banana this, and then spam this and spam that.
Oh, you're making a joke about how they like to eat spam in Hawaii.
And when I said chiketa, I meant dole. Dole, Yep, there is Yes, they do not grow maana bananas in Yeah.
Okay, you want to take that one from the top.
And hmm. Whenever I get a spam call here, Karen, I find that there it's from the people at DOLE and I expected it to be ham and a can.
I don't know the Dole part is helping us.
Oh, okay, all spam calls come from Maui, which is why they named the meat in a can company. That spam calls came before spam. The meat is what I'm telling you.
Is that true?
I bet it is. Sometimes I'm just riffing and the truth comes out.
Sometimes we riff our way into learning. Yes, and that's incredible. Hold on, I better take this call. Why would someone call me?
Is it the same?
This is.
Uh? And I also don't know this number calls me or a version of this number have been calling me for months and it's spam, right, But now it's like, so it shows up where I can't say no, Now I have to block this number, right, Okay.
Yeah, I mean it's so funny that we all just have gotten used to that because it used to be the premise of a horror movie. Right, someone calls a new answer that's like the page one of so many horror scripts, and it just wouldn't happen.
Now, No, they've taken it away from us.
We all have a computer in our pants that we all Everyone still calls it a phone, but no one uses it as if I haven't used mine as a phone in three weeks.
Can I just sorry, sidebar, you need to start a bit with we all have a computer in our pants.
It is peppered. I have mentioned the computer in our pants, have you?
Yeah, that's a wonderful phrase.
Oh okay, yeah, I think it is like.
If you're trying to impart wisdom starting with we all have a computer in our pants. It's like we all have a dream in our hearts. Yes, yes, kind of feeling.
Yeah yeah, I haven't given it that tone of whimsy or a poetic tone. Yeah, we all have a computer.
We all have a computer in our pants. Now, I really want to figure out what you need to put in this purse?
Yeah, I know, should it be something of mine?
What if it was a little puppet and then you asked that lighting person that's already going to do three lighting cues for you, yeah, to give the puppet a spotlight and then the puppet starts singing a song. It's like it turns to the spotlight and then it's like when I'm stuck with the day, and then everyone gets really a like emotional.
I think it's a good yes, and I could so it'll be a purse that I bring. I rip a hole in it and stick my hand in there. This is all stuff I'll do in the fifteen minutes between our recording and arriving at the theater.
Yeah, exactly. Maybe it's for the feat, thank you so much.
But I do like that. It just I put my hand in the bottom and then it's a sock puppet.
Yes. And also if you pick, if you plant the woman in Los Angeles, chances are you're going to plant someone that can sing, because everyone here can do right at least three things.
Well, yeah, that's what's funny. I saw someone had posted something where at the end, the audience is like acts like they're not excited for him doing ten more minutes or something, And the entire audience did such a good job at acting not over the top, like disappointed that he was going to continue that. I was blown away. I kept watching it. I was like, wait, did he hire an acting troop? How are they so good?
Who's special was it? It?
Actually it was a Canadian guys. I really don't remember any details or what dad was. No, I do remember, okay, but I did comment, oh my god, that people were so good. Yes, they couldn't believe it.
You know why, because Canadians get subtlety, They get it.
Yeah, they know. Yeah, let's go to Canada where you don't have to be over the top. God. Finally, there's a little park right next to that bridge that looks like a robotic witch's finger. It's just one ten roll to the sky. It's actually kind of a cool bridge. But behind it there's a perfect little park with like a you know, a baseball diamond and stuff in camping area.
And Nick Rutherford, a friend who I haven't seen in quite a while, invited me to the Rutherford Regatta, which was a tiny boat race and he said supplies will be provided. First heat of the race is at four o'clock. So immediately, you know, I got excited because we're talking miniature boat making.
Hell.
Yes, I showed up late and everyone was hunkered down at a workstation. They had glue guns, o cordless glue guns, balsa wood, you know, if you wanted to cheat. There was a little plastic boat like for French fries or whatever, but it was shaped like a boat. I mean I knew right in the beginning, just a tongue depressed a popsicle stick with glitter on it was going to float the best and win, and that is what happened. But I made a pontoon raft with like rope and a mast,
and I had no glue. I just had a pocket knife and was cutting holes and you can stick, you know, toothpicks into the styrofoam tubes. All this stuff, by the way, didn't end up in the in the La River when we raised Ruther for who else was there? Oh they were wearing dumb waiters and had butterfly nets and they were grabbing all the boats.
Oh, but it was like there was.
An announcer, There was legit trophies. What the launch of the boats was a large plank. They were all lined up so they all ended up in the water at the same time. And you know, my boat capsized after four feet. I don't know what because I had a big mast on it. I went fashion over function. But it was so fun just because you're everyone was doing a turn to little kids. Again.
Yes, and it's kind of like a box car derby vibes.
It seems, Yes, it was. It reminded me very much of a cub Scouts Pinewood.
Derby Pinewood Derby where.
You show up and you can tell which kids their engineer dad made their car cheaters. Yes, but people thought that about me. But I just was advanced with modeling and I put cows on it, and oh, that guy's going very fast. He wants us to die. He ate us. That was a hit man.
So when people do that, then I slowed down because that's my problem, or like, fine, hit me, is that what you want?
Yeah?
Here, yeah, here you monster. So like the reason you say that the wooden spoon with sparkles got the furthest is because it was just simple and super light and it just light. It like floated on top of the water.
Yes, like a gum wrapper. If you threw it in, of course it would float better than a heavy boat night of anything. Right, So you know, one kid had like just a piece of sushi. Whoever the kid was, he just put a piece of sushi in his to go and that one.
That's incredible. Yeah and yeah, so yeah, So who was there?
Yeah, it was a bunch of friends that I haven't seen in a while. Brandon was there with his sweet kids who I've only seen online. And it's one of my many friends where he's like he had kids and you know, like Nate Craig has had a baby now and then you see them change as a person because they're a parent, and he's so Brendan was so patient with his kids. They were really sweet. And then his daughter came up to me and she's like, hey, I like you. I'm like I like you too, and I've
made me feel so good. Oh yeah, because you know I'm you know, a bit of a loaner out there.
Well, but that's by design, No, No, that's your choice. Yeah, you can change anytime you want, I suppose. But also when little kids like you, yes, I mean you're doing something right.
Right, everyone will know, And every comic has a joke where the premise is children tell the truth. Yeah if they If a little kid comes up to you and says, why is your nose big? Why are your teeth yellow? It means you gotta do something about your You gotta brush your teeth.
It means it's cross white strip's time.
My niece has made me buy I've been home whitening my teeth ever since. They said something at age six that if I told them now they would be horrified, but it bettered me.
Yeah better.
It's like, you're right, they shouldn't be presented next to a white T shirt that I'm wearing.
Oh cute.
Yeah, yeah, so yeah it was. It was fun. Yeah, there was just a bunch of a bunch of old pals there that I haven't seen, but I immediately was in a panic. I'm like, I got to work on this boat. I don't have time to talk to anyone. And once I finished it, then it was great And yeah, just one of those oh yeah, I gotta go do stuff reminders.
Yes, go outside being well. Also, it makes me love Nick Ruth heard for thinking of that idea because it's such a generous thing for other people to get to do. Right. That's like think it's like it's very community oriented. It seems of like, hey, do we need it. We can't just stand and drink in the park, right, you know, like, hey, there's a reason we're here. There's something fun to focus.
On, exactly.
I think that's great. Does Nick brother right off kids?
No? No, but his so many of his friends do. And there was just there was kids everywhere that were way into this, like it was a mutual let's make boats, adults and kids both equally excited about it. Yeah, and kind of a lighthearted competition in the air. But no one was taking it that seriously except you except me. Every time my boat tipped over, even with modifications for heat too, I put some long sticks with pontoons, but I use paper plate and it just made it made
it sink quicker. Yeah. I didn't bring some applies, but there was a He hired a security guard to hang out there just in case weirdos showed up. Uh, And he bought all this equipment. Yeah, he really put effort in. There was tacos. Person was making tacos. Yeah. It was a perfect party. So Nick Rutherford it's great. Hats off to watch the show Dream Corps, Dream Corpse, Dream Corps
with Nick Rutherford. And I believe John Grice, you know him as the man in the Closet and real genius really or Uncle Rico.
Yeah, yeah, he guy's amazing.
He used to live next to Tig and I or his brother did, and they were always together, and he was very nice and he uh yeah, his brother who actually lived in the house, had all the mannerisms of Uncle rehe co In in Napoleon Dynamite, like looking at his arms and sweeping them.
Yeah.
That Kerry Grice did that every.
Day, so he was just kind of doing it.
Yeah yeah, and I think he told me that and then I noticed. But they are nice people. Who's their dad used to make old like westerns, those Italian Westerns, and these kids would be they were little kids, and they were in the background, like running around like extras. He's like, that's me, that's well, look I get shot here. I was a little kid pretending to get shot. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, it's.
Like Hollywood baby, Oh totally.
Yeah, it's cool. And and if you all know what I'm talking about, you would know if you looked him up but yeah, he's in that show Dream Corps. And I don't know where you see it, but I do know it's on one of the streamers. I haven't seen it because it was like a on Adult Swim or something that I don't have in my package.
You know, it's and it's animated or it's it's live action.
Yeah, and that chair kind of sci fi. You know. I have picked up chairs so that I thought I needed and then walked miles with them on my back. And that's not one of them. That's not.
I mean, that's like a it looks fancy.
At one point that was a sod after piece.
Yeah, and now it's just I also wonder you know there's some people in some neighborhoods they just sit like that might be someone's chair, Yeah, like they come out and sit there.
Although did you see etched in the brick behind it was the word free? Oh yeah, so that way.
You know it's permanently free.
And we are now, yeah, we're coming. We're on Hyperion. That's where you'll be hearing this in the futures, so the show will be over, but we're going to go buy this lyric place where I will return to.
Later tonight, this is your show place, Yes, got you.
It's a there's this whole trend these days that I haven't fully understood, the like the popularity of these don't tell shows right, or a time I went to Portland for a secret headliner show and they're like, who could it be? Last week? It was Daniel Tosh or whatever, And then they go tonight's secret headliner and you get to hear the audience audibly be disappointed because they don't you know, I'm not talking shit about myself, but you
know they didn't know. It's people going for I like the entertainment form of stand up comedy.
I'll go to this and I'm immediately thinking it's gonna be Dave Chappelle or whatever tick name they are fantasizing about it.
Yeah, you gotta let people think that I did the Comedy Store the other night. I've done stand up every night in the past week.
Oh how you feel great?
Good? It started rough, and now I feel like I'm right back where I was. Okay, so I'm and then along with that comes a self worth and happiness that I forgot. I wasn't enjoying enjoying things, but at the comedy store that that whole audience is kind of thinking Dave Chappelle's going to be here, And one of the comics said, Hey, this is it. I'm Dave something or what, I can't remember his last name. It's you all think
Chappelle is coming, but he's not. And I could tell the whole audience we've got disappointed, and then it kind of ruined their night. So, yeah, there is this. You know, they are not going to be disappointed if he doesn't show up, but they will be disappointed if you announce. And then that it could be anyone.
Well, I think that is like, it's a funny joke to just be like, if you're feeling that expectation, then you just want to put your finger on it. Are you kidding me? Are you?
Oh? Yeah? A lot of times what just happened there, But some of them wanted to turn left, so they just made their car diagonally left in the middle of the road.
They just took the lane they were in, and then they kind of suggested the front of their car over to the left.
Now what's important here for us to do is recall the times we've done that. Because I remember doing that, I'm like, oh, no, I'm in the road. They'll understand and they're honking, and I'm like, what you've done this?
Never all think of other people?
You, well, I do it less, and.
They're gonna say, well, I begged to differ.
No, I believe you, and I believe me when we do it less than others. I am willing to go. I gotta go around the block, and I everyone in my car will be like, just do a U turn. I'm like, I can't.
Well. I think also that one is like it feels like just lack of experience, because it's kind of like people going, oh, oh, I guess I'll go left here and then just kind of and having no fear about the blocking they're about to be doing. Whereas I think if you're the kind of person that is has that concern, where're like, I don't want to be honked at, right, and I don't want people to be like you're ruining
my day. Yeah, I just would rather not be that person. Yeah, But there's people who are like, I don't care what kind of person I am in your day because I don't care.
Yeah, exactly. Yeah, And a lot of people are okay with honking is just a sound that you hear. Yeah, to them, it's just like up, that's the noise cars make. You're not going to attach any ownership to that noise.
It's a friend I haven't met yet.
Yeah, someone someone angrily honking behind you is just a friend you haven't met.
Yet in a car you won't ever get into.
Yeah, just imagine that bumper sticker in the amount of the cash that would roll in.
Let's do it for merch.
Yep, I can hear everyone excited. A person angrily honking is just a friend you haven't met. That's great, that's great.
We might tighten up the top of that. But yep, yes, really good.
Yeah, well we're We do a little segment in the middle of each show called editing bumper sticker ideas.
What if when the lady and the audience opened the purse, she pulled out a bunch of cash and went, oh my god, he wasn't it. He wasn't robbing me. He gave me money. Yeah, it's not funny, but it could be good vibes.
Yes, I do have a wad of fake one hundreds that looks real. It's like movie said cash.
Okay, so I was just gonna go here to get a Sure, let's do it, let's do it.
Let's go to mc donald say, mom and pop shop. Uh yeah, maybe she'd go, oh, thank god, that's my and I'm and I like, am jealous that the money's in there. Yeah, oh good, I'm glad you got your what is that ten thousand dollars home? When good good forbid that go to a person in need? Oh no, yeah that or she could just hand it to me and that's when everyone cheers.
You I'd let go of the cheering.
Okay, I just feel like that's the button for a video. Yeah, everyone cheers, and then that's the end of the video.
Yeah, but I think that Okay, wait, she pulls up the money. They weren't robbing me, look, oh my god, they were giving me. And then you go, ladies and gentlemen, mister beast and then you do a pause and you point at the door, and then that's the end of the video.
I like, I really do like this. I honestly think I want to try it, ladies and gentlemen, mister Bester Beast and tag him in it.
It's the newest mister Beast bit. And you're just you basically are the beginning of influencers that do stuff like that. You're like, I'll set you up for the success of giving that money. Yeah, I'll just let you and then if you want to give this lady the money, you can.
It's I do like that. I think I'll bring a purse with nothing but the money in it, and then I'll be ready for anything. It's so funny because I never I don't. I know that he's just a nerdy guy in with a goatee, but he I don't know what he did, but he gave away money. Yeah, but I would see mister beasts, power bars or whatever like in seven to eleven, like the branding Yes, I saw before I ever knew that he was a guy famous on the computers in our pants.
Yes, because he's the children know him. We don't. He's not of our time, but he I'm sure has. I would guess, and I could totally be wrong, but I bet you he has two hundred million followers on YouTube or something like that where those branding deals come because they're like, if you have that many people, we can launch what do you like? Do you like candy bars? Will launch your candy bar? Do you like this? Because They're just like you already have the ecosystem to sell this stuff.
Wow. Yeah, it's so funny that I'm always surprised when I know nothing about a phone famous person when I'm looking at the damn thing, probably as much as any teenager. Yeah, but you know I'm looking at Excel spreadsheets, yes, rode up stuff, Dow, the Jones, the Dow and the.
Jones, Turbo tax emails.
Oh all. Anytime you see me looking at my phone laughing, it's just I'm looking at my receipts or something.
Hold on a second, I start interrupt.
It's okay.
I think they have slurpy like beverages here. Now. Oh can you see that sign over there?
Yes, I'm wearing my glasses. It says on any size soft drink or frozen beverage, Okay, order a hand.
That's like a frozen coke, get out of my way, right, or a frozen wild blueberry whatever. Yeah, but if their milkshakes, I'm gonna get real mad.
Did you ever as a child go to Kmart just.
For the icies?
Fuck?
Yes and popcorn?
Yeah?
The Kmart cafeteria or whatever it was was divine.
Yeah, it's so funny that I I wasn't allowed that stuff.
Yeah, your mom was intense about it. Yeah, sugar things.
Yeah, it's uh but hey, look at me now sipping this coke.
You're gonna get drink that liquid coke and then get a frozen coke.
Yeah.
Yeah, it says coke on the thing.
Right and then and then I'm going to inhale gas coke liquid solid gas. Uh yeah that I uh knew coke vapor. I think that would be a thing. But it's good for you because it's like oxygen, but it tastes like coke.
So you're just getting a little more oxygen.
I'm just describing like a healthy version of vaping. So it's every every flavor kids want.
I have to tell you because it's the worst thing you could be doing. The worst.
Oh no, there's drugs, there's there's those chemicals.
They will kill you.
Really Okay, Wow, I got to watch that documentary about it on Netflix. Maybe that don't scare me straight? What about cigarettes? Would you love them? They're better than vaping, you think, well, less chemicals.
Oh wow, yeah that's what I'm saying.
Well, I gottaut to stop. I gotta stop doing all the things. You see here, we're in the McDonald's drive through. This was a This McDonald's location was a skate spot. Look what they did to stop it. They have the pieces of metal there and then over there they put up a couple poles.
Why though, I who cares?
I don't know.
Yeah, do you have frozen cokes? Is that what I'm seeing on that sign? What flavors do you have? Okay? So can I get one medium coke frozen coke, one medium berry flavor and a medium regular Dike coke? Just normal Dit coke?
Yep, thank you. I don't know if this is real or just the premise of a Dave Waite joke, but he said AI was going to start dictating what you pay a grocery store. So they will scan you and according to your your clothing and your posture and the time of day, give the price right for you, which I think. I like the sound up, like this person is what would they look for? This person's limping and is moving slow. Let's give them a dollar off.
Yeah, this person's old, except for your interpreting it like the best way possible.
Yes I am. Yeah. But also, hey, I'm going to show up at eight pm and wear these old rags.
Yeah.
I like when I used to paint windows as a kid. I in high school. I would dress up nice like to go door to door to sell them, and I quickly learned, Oh I got to wear my paint splattered jacket I got from my dad. That's three sizes it's too low, yeah, and ride a bike in the snow. And they were and I sold. They were like once, I you know, look like Oliver Twist. Yes, I sold every other door, every other business.
That's great, Like you're kind of working the pity angle. But also I think the paint splatter helps because you look like the real deal, right, So they're like, oh, I want to support an art.
It was mostly that I was a paint splattered child. Yeah, so h And at the time, I mean, I'm okay at art now, but at that age I was ahead. If I could do any bragging, it would only be about that how good at art I was in like high school, and I just kind of, you know, you discover other things.
Yeah, I think you have many, many hoppies at this point.
And it was an early experience of like, what I'm putting into this isn't worth what I'm getting paid. So it was like and I tried raising my prices and then they would and it was like everything had to be under one hundred dollars. Yeah, And it sometimes would take me all day, or it would freeze. The paint would freeze on the glass, Karen, much like the beverages we're about to get, because it was so cold, and so I would have to put a heat lamp on the glass to warm the glass so it would be
it would the paint would dry before it froze. Because one time I did a Nativity scene with the faces of the people were different car salesmen, and it froze and then thought out and the next day their faces were melted. Oh, and it looked like a horror movie and I had to scrape it all off and start over again. Oh, we're getting our frozen beverage.
Yeah.
I like that guy. I liked he winked, and that was a perfect wink.
It was a perfect wink and thumbs up. I don't know the last time someone gave me a thumbs up or a wink or.
A wink, certainly the last time. I mean, that's that guy just gave a you know, winning baseball team's last encouragement type.
Look, yeah, it was kind of like we're all together in this one. Yeah, I love it.
Yeah, that was that was great because it's that winks can be taken the wrong way. Thank you, Like Michelle balloone once said, who winks? Pedophiles and leprechauns. Here we go the diet soda? Which biodegradable straw? Yours? Do you want me to jam the straw in yours? I touched
the end of the part where your mouth will go in. Sorry, okay, making up for an entire childhood of not getting beverages a kmar get ready, but certainly all of my underwear heres A frozen coke reaction audio ASMR oh man, that's sweet, so sweet. Boy. I think there's more sweet in this than a regular coke.
Yeah, oh, I'm sure there is. It's also Mine's wine punch. You want to try it. It's so good. Yeah, it's also so fucking sweet. Holy shit. That is is than yours?
Yes, that is liquid Smarties candy sweet?
Oh shit? Oh yeah, yeah, mine's way sweeter.
I mean we're going to finish these. Our feet are gonna hurt. Look, it's that sweet.
This is the fuel that drives all of our podcasting.
Oh boy, we are going to be talking a mile a minute. This next episode we're recording after this probably gonna be twenty minutes long.
Yeah, it's just going to be back to back.
But all the information, all the valuable fact based.
Information broken, no pausing, no breathing.
Yes, yes, our guests will be exhausted.
Hm hmm, that's kind of what I wanted.
That's good. People love. Hey, the you're gonna have to learn to enjoy smacking and slurping. I mean, because it's not going away.
No, it's not. I do you apologize? Yeah, because it's so it's sour and sweet and like truly it's smackworthy.
Yeah.
Do you see the sign that says google queercoalas dot com.
I do, and I feel like it's handwritten, and that makes me not usually go to a website.
It looks like a child thinks they're being funny.
Well, now I do want to go. If kids made a queer Koala website, actually, everyone go queercoulalaws dot com. Support them, let us know what it is. I can actually tell you, oh, oh, here we go.
That's right.
So it's a group of people trying to open a lesbian part in LA and so they are selling NFTs of little koalas. So they're asking for people to donate turn to help fund this floor that's going to have cheaper drinks, like they're.
Trying to celebrate. Okay, you're speaking as if you planted that sign right and you really wanted to get the word out.
Also, I have not heard mention of non fungible tokens for about two years, when at that time everyone was saying, oh my gosh, Chris Fairbanks, you gotta make NFTs And I'm like, explain to me again what it is, and then this high pitched, this high pitched ringing noise would start in my head, the same one I hear when someone tries to explain cryptocurrency to me.
Well, it's very similar because it's it's a little scammy.
But I remember seeing something on TikTok about how there are like so few lesbian bars or I guess I should just say queer bars, but like those spaces for queer women that like somebody opened one and it was probably I think in Portland or Seattle, and it was like a sports watch women's sports type of bar, and they got so much support and like so many people because it was like I remember that, yeah, remember it was like they were like, hey, there's there used to
be tons of these, Now there's hardly any. Maybe it's a post COVID thing. So as long as those people aren't trying to rip people off with NFT.
Yeah no, that's certainly not an example of the NFT my NFT fears.
But always must be cautious.
I just knew I didn't personally want to create a one of a kind tiny artwork or whatever it is. I still don't know what it is. A stamp, a hand drawn stamp.
Well kind of looks like that, right, but then it just is on it's online and then people buy it, right wouldn you trade it?
Ultimately? Though? Isn't everyone knowing it's not a currency?
Correct? It's it's like it's supposed to be online art, I believe, right.
Okay, Well I should have heard this get out because I did a show in San Francisco and this kid was there for an NFT conference and I showed him some of my art and he's like, all, we should meet. I'll teach you more about this, and I did not follow up, and he was an expert in NFTs. I believe he was speaking at some conference.
I mean, that's the thing about stuff like that. It's hard to tell these days what's going to be the next Apple and what's going to be the next we all got ripped off, right, It's hard to tell. It is hard to tell, and you want to kind of be open minded and be like, well, I don't know how anything about computers, but I sure want to be there if something it's the next big thing is happening.
Right right, There's a lot of things I am part of now that I'm just a handful of years. I remember how adamantly opposed I was to having an email when I lived in Austin, and Michelle Balloon was like, just get an email account because it was the only way to find out about this softball league we were in. I'm like, ah, I don't. There's going to be all these responses like what do I bring? And I got to sift through them, like before it even started, I was anticipating, not enjoying it.
Yeah, you were right.
I was right.
I fucking hate email.
And then and then Michelle talked me into getting a damn cell phone. I was perfectly happy with my landline and my fax machine.
I remember both of those moments in my life where it was like I think the cell phone was because I didn't have any money. But every time I would hang out with my friend who did have a cell phone, I'd be like, hey, can I use that for right?
Right? Yeah?
And she made it very clear she didn't like it, where I was like whatever, and then I got my own, but I was like, what are you getting charged per call? Fucking relax?
Yeah, but I think she was. Yeah, they definitely figured it out. I think it looks like we're going to be taken a right pretty soon. Oh really based on that, but sip not to get Oh I'm silly where I guess I don't. I'm having trouble reading it.
Yeah, it's because you've gone so far away from where we were supposed to land, because because that's the second episode.
Oh okay, right, sure, So now we're just going to.
Loop back and it'll it'll we'll get back to where we're supposed to be.
Okay, it's hard to you know, I come from a I'm pretty good at reading a paper map, you know, and a lot of people aren't. It's funny you and I come from the Thomas Guide world. Like if you if everything ended, we it, maybe you and I would survive because we're not read a paper map.
Hell yeah, there's in the Thomas Guide. There was one. I think it was page three fifty four, could be wrong, but that was like central LA. It was like basically Fairfax to you know, I don't know island or you know the grid of that area that I was. I used it so much that I basically ended up accidentally ripping that page out because it was the constant reference of like, oh, I have to go to you know, I have to go to Paramount, how do I get there from where I live? And they're just constantly on
the same page all the time. Because it was central Hollywood.
Yeah, it was sort of complicated because you had to look up an address right and then it said L seven and page whatever, So you'd have to go to that page and go down, you know, follow the horizontal vertically and all while driving. Anyone that thinks glancing down at a phone while driving is worse than a giant catalog in my lap or I used to print out all these map We sound so old, but it wasn't that long ago. I know, Matt like printing out on
my printer or map. That's the reason I owned a two D printer was to print out directions and then i'd floppy loose leaf papers just churning around in the front seat like we were in a centrifuge trying to read it.
Also, I hate to tell you this, but as you say, it wasn't that long ago. It was thirty years ago. It was it was three decades ago.
Actually, well, yes, well twenty I moved here in two thousand and three, so I and that first year I just remember always printing out. So but yeah, twenty one years ridiculous, it's a long time. Yeah, it's It's insane to me that that is the only time looking down at a printed piece of paper low on ink. So I had to really shove it in my face and I hit the back. It's the only car rack I've ever been the guilty of it. And hit this bumper on a truck and both the guys cartoonishly got out.
I think one of them had a neck brace, no put on, no, they were holding their necks and I was like I barely bumped them, like their their bumper was a metal bumper. And it was kind of folded down, but I really think it was already like that, because I it was just like this, like we were stopped in traffic and I went early and they hadn't moved, but I was looking at a piece of paper, and so when they came to my car, I was like, oh my god, that was my fault. I was looking
at a piece of paper. I'm so sorry. And they were like, well, do you have insurance? And I'm like, I just moved here. I'm in between my Montana and insurance and getting new insurance here. And they're like, well, do you want to go to an eight TM? And I got out like probably one hundred dollars and gave it to them, and they gave me a card, well,
just if you ever need roofing shingles, call us. And then all of a sudden, their necks were better, but they were holding their necks like they're like, now it's our chance. And then they saw I was just a kid and a dented Mustang, and so they kind of dropped it. But they could have been jerks. Like I still don't know how to feel about it.
It's a little bold to be like here, yeah, call us for roofing where it's like, how about you take your one hundred dollars and fuck off?
Yeah, yeah, I know you're not going to spend it on that bumper, but that's fine, that's fine. I still have the card. Wouldn't it be funny? Let's call him twenty one years later?
Hey, mister beast, what if you early on the show flipped did your joke where you flip your shoe up into your hand answer the phone, and then later when the purse gets robbed, the woman stands up and find it's your shoe. I don't know how you do that.
Though, right, yeah, shit, you're right though, there needs.
To be It's like a callback in a purse.
Right, I will think of it. I will think of it and tonight will go great, or I'll get scared and just do my planned material. Yeah, but I just I do like the idea. There was a comic, Rich
Gabe that had in Austin. He had like three or four long bits where it was like a Rube Goldberg machine of things happening, this causing this, this, so therefore this happens, And there was all these audience plants and they were so smart, these these bits standalone seven minute bits that I always wanted to think of something like that. I to where I almost called him he's been out of comedy for twenty five years, Like I do ever have ideas? Is that because he would get them from
my old comic books and stuff. He used to read a lot, and these amazing bits. Everyone remembers. He won the funniest person in Austin contest like this, this ventriloquist recorder. There was just it was just an actual tape recorder with eyes on it. And he was like, you want to drink of water? And and the recorder said sure. He just had it all timed out with Heckler's heckling, and the recording had enough silence on it to let that person heckle that it worked every time.
That's Austin's rotten Lynch.
Yes, yes he was. He was great. He was way ahead of all the alternative comedy I'd ever seen. There was so many interesting weird comics like that. When I started, like, you think, if you moved to Texas to become a comedian, you're gonna see a lot of like this is ready for the Southern Road type acts. But no, everyone, even if they were a prison guard during the day, they had the most interesting ideas, whether or not they were super good.
You know what, because of Bill Hicks, Like I think there were such good comics that people looked up to right that they wanted to they were aiming for and trying to be like great comics. No one's aiming for being a road hack. Like right right now at the beginning, everyone's like, what's my special expression that's going to make
me fascinating. I just think there's Austin is a lot like San Francisco or Portland and one of those towns where it's the internal competition, you know, gets everybody so creative.
Yeah, and you're right. It was at the valvator room where I started. There was a list of rules and by Bill Hicks on the wall right before you went on on stage, and I would actually check it, like a list of things you need for a flight. And I don't remember all of them. I know the first one of the rules was like I don't don't think about what you're gonna say first, which I have to say I actually don't agree with because well, I don't.
Understand don't plan your material right or.
Don't plan your first joke, just go out and start talking about whatever feels in the moment. But that idea, yeah, backfires all the time. Yeah. I later on, when I saw that list again, I was like, no, no, no, I I didn't agree with all of them, but a lot of this stuff that I'm not remembering what was helpful, and I would I would look at that list and it did help me. Like essentially the whole list was like be in the moment, don't be glued to gesture material.
It was it lent itself to being like improvisational.
Yeah, everything which is smart and yeah, yeah, I'm sure I told you this. But I met Andy Kidler like two weeks before I did my first Oh it was the first contest I was ever in. So I'd only been doing comedy for like a month. And then the the you know, the small like club that wasn't it wasn't an actual club, it was just the place where they did this show. They had a yearly comedy competition, and so I was in it. But I was so
nervous and I was so like freaked out. And so when I met Andy Killer, I was like, you have to help me, you have to tell me how to do this and like give me tips, and all he would do is riff. So he's like stare at the back wall like there's a clock on it, and he like, take your jokes, number them from one to T like he was. He did all this shit that was like absolutely not only not helpful, but was like stressing me out more where I'm.
Like, do I really need help get joking?
Yes he was, because he was. Basically it was the same idea where he's like he's been doing it so long, where he's like, if if you think there's something I can tell you, there's nothing I can tell you, right, Like you have to just not care this much.
Yeah, yeah, it's true. The only thing that when I moved to Austin, knowing I wanted to do stand up, having only tried at once, I went to this guy, Matt Sadler. I went to where he worked. I was like, hey, you told me to call you if I moved here. I moved here. How do I do stand up? And he said, well, write some jokes and then your best joke end with that, and your second best joke start with that, and then just fill in the middle with
everything you write after that. And I'm like oh okay, And to this day, no advice has been truer than that.
Yeah.
Yeah, so yeah, yeah, it was like the best.
Well, and also it's like start, you do need to start that set with your number two joke so the audience knows you know what you're doing. Then you can fuck around right. Then you can end on your number one joke and you have somewhere to land. But like that idea of like go out on stage and feel around is such a like successful comedian, insanely hilarious person's advice. Yeah, where it's like, thanks for setting me up for abject failure.
Yeah. I think there are many times where I had a good set and it's because whatever random thing in the moment I happen to start with worked. But more often than not, it's like, no, start get a laugh right away, do a joke right when you get out there, and then mess around.
Yeah, like yeah, so show them that you're okay so that they can relax, then you can have fun.
It's fine. I even forgot that before this past week of doing steady shows. I when I finally was like, do get a laugh right when you get on stage with a joke, a one line anything, yeah, and then the rest of the set it was no worries. But I tried to be Lucy Goosey, beginning by referencing things that they may or may not have remembered previously in the show at the Comedy Store. And I kind of didn't do well. But that's okay, I exactly. I drove away thinking that I was still stuck to my guns.
I said, through the tears, well, I believe I will conclude this episode. This is kind of how I ended my set the other night.
Okay, let's hear it.
Ice, I said, you know what, this was fun. You guys were great. I seriously had so much fun on stage tonight, and I thank you all for listening. I've been Chris Fairbanks good night. And there was a huge applause.
Really yeah, because you were kind of ticking like sincere and I.
Had done well up until that. There's just all this pressure to end on a laugh, but you can also end on a pandury. You guys were great and I had fun, yeah, which is how SORRY try and do that with this episode.
Really, one more question, Did you do that at the Comedy Store?
No, I did it at the Blind Barber Highland Park oh cool, and but it happened to be an amazing audience.
That was Parken back to the this fucking thing is trying to make me take a left on lose Phelis, Are you kidding me?
We have a lot of navigating to do. But you've been a great audience and this has been a really good episode. You've been listening to Do You Need a Ride? D y n are good? Honk for real? This has been an exactly right production.
Produced by Analise Nelson, mixed by Edson Choi. Our talent booker is Patrick Kottner.
Theme song by Karen Kilgarrett.
Artwork by Chris Fairbanks. Follow the show on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook at dinar podcast That's d y nar Podcast.
For more information, go to exactly rightmedia dot com.
Thank you, Oh You're welcome,