Generational Trauma & the Choice to Parent | 002

Unhealed... whatever that is... trauma.

We're having a serious topic here. You called it "whatever that is."

Could be eczema, right?

I don't know, cough? It's not a good enough reason to bring a new life into the world. The child had no choice. Parents are the biggest effect on what happens to the child. What's the meme?

Hi, I'm your host, Rem.

And Alvia.

And welcome to our second episode. So, we had to stop abruptly last episode. Where were we? I don't remember. That was just a while ago.

We just watched it.

We just watched it.

So, what we were talking about was, we're still in our grind years. And of course, you think about it, if you have a child, what's your runway? What's an acceptable age to have a child? Because people are, not most, but there are people who have children later than now. Because of whatever reason.

Like my brother, how old are they?

Whatever.

They're older than me.

Wow.

They'll get mad at me. They're not watching this anyway. It's okay.

They might be watching us and supporting us.

One day.

I got lost. What's the topic? What if you're 40, and you're still going to send your child to school until 60, and you're still going to support him even after. I mean, except if your child is already self-sustainable, which is probably not the case. So, that's it. That's the ending.

It's already over.

Told you it was already over.

For me, I have something to add.

There are so many -isms.

It's also like, they call it woke, right? But more of how society is now putting emphasis on trauma, on mental health. It's really a must. They're just gaslighting. by calling it woke. But it's necessary, guys.

I'm sure. Everyone has.

Everyone has. Admit it or not, there are. And it manifests in many ways. But, I'm aware that there are unhealed--whatever that is--trauma.

Our topic is serious! and you just called it whatever.

Could be eczema, right?

I don't know. Cough? You're so annoying. But seriously, it's only now, with our generation, that we recognize these types of things. Actually, one of the good things with this generation of parents, they're the most involved dads.

Oh, like my brother.

Yes. And we also see my brother-in-law, and friends. The involvement is different. Because, in our parents' time, dads were more focused on providing.

Yes.

It's like that. It's rare to see, soft, not soft, but, very hands-on to their children.

Nurturing. Being an emotional, what do you call it? Emotional support dog. Support dog?

Wrong.

Wrong again.

You're just out of it.

I don't know what happened to me these past few days. But, I'm running out of vocabulary.

You just stopped for a while on the podcast.

Yes. I feel like because I don't have other people to talk to, besides you, I'm running out of--

And we're just sending memes. Maybe the memes degrade the mind.

Yes. We are getting less articulate.

That's why we need to have a podcast.

And also, once we're aware of those things, it's not a default that people should have children. Just because. Because, for me, you really need to think about why you want to have children. Because there's a lot of valid reasons to have children. But, if you're going to have children, but you don't know why. Just because it's dictated by society. That's a bit dangerous. Right? And, if that's the reason why we're going to have children, just think of the effect on the child.

Into the unknown.

Into the unknown. Are you going to sing?

This episode has no value at all. Random things pop into our minds.

It's not solid. It's not... Just ticking a checkbox.

Yeah. It's not, for us, it's not a good enough reason to bring a new life into the world. The child had no choice. And, of course, parents are the biggest effect on what happens to the child. There's a meme that, instead of generational wealth, you're going to have generational trauma.

Yeah, that's just handed down.

And even if it's just unconsciously manifesting, you don't know how it's going to be unlocked.

Yes.

It's like that. But yeah, what else?

I lost my train of thought.

Intrusive thoughts.

Yeah. Please forgive us. I don't know, maybe we have adult ADHD. We're too...

It's because of TikTok.

I feel like social media has a huge effect on me. But still, I'm still addicted to it.

When I wake up after sleeping before him, I have a huge backlog.

Backlog meaning?

The memes.

I have a lot of...

A lot of them are sent.

We get mad at each other when... You send a meme and the other doesn't react.

Yes.

That's our... That's how we... That's our love language.

You just don't know how it hurts. It's true.

But yeah. People need to really assess. Why? Why do you want to have a child?

And again, if you really want to have a child, it's okay.

It's okay. But yeah. Think about the child. Think of what happens to the child. How will you raise him? If... If the parents are half-hearted.

But there are a lot of countries now where birth rates are going down.

Yes.

There are... What is it? In Japan, there are provinces that...

What?

For years, there are no children. So the first child is very treasured. And then they're giving incentives for areas like that. The local government is giving incentives for families to settle. And then there's an extra incentive if they have children. That's how bad it is.

That's true because... We mentioned it in the last episode. The economy is bad. You don't have any incentive to have children. That's the thing, right? Society is forcing you to have children or advising you to have children. But the state doesn't support that. Especially in Japan. Their culture is really workaholic. Grind.

And they don't have much support for child care.

That's right. There's no child care.

So how...

At least here in the Philippines, what's good here. They say it takes a village to raise a child. Literally, here.

Extended families.

Literally, your mother is there to help you raise your child.

Like your brother.

Yes, my brother.

Grandparents from both sides.

That's great.

Strategic.

Strategic. Which is okay, right? So they got a place near their parents. My brother is really wise. Sorry, I'm sharing your story.

Turns out this podcast is not about DINKs. It's about your brother.

But it's amazing. Their love story is interesting. They're neighbors. My brother's ex-girlfriends live far away. Traffic was already bad then. It's even worse now, right? But he learned his lesson. He gave up on them. So by design or by chance, he already knew our neighbor. We moved to their village. And they became a couple. Then eventually, they got married. Then they got a place near that village. And when they're there, their grandparents are there to help.

Even if you have a helper, it's still hard. I saw my sister. She has a helper, a driver, and everything. But she still needs support. Maybe, on one, it's her baby. And then sometimes, it's for her. It's like for her emotional support. Although even your husband is there. Fortunately, us siblings. We're close. So it's like that. Especially, we have a sibling who's always present. The whole time she's pregnant, when she's just giving birth and everything.

You're lucky with that sibling.

She's really on-call. She's very flexible.

She loves that.

She loves that. So good for her. She's also the one we're with most of the time.

Yes.

Because she's always around.

Always ready to be there.

Yes, her life is a bit flexible. But yeah. It really takes a village. Not necessarily your parents if they're not available. Sometimes, siblings. Sometimes, we have cousins who are always there.

Yes, even cousins.

And then friends. So it's hard. Not just on the cost, but the emotional capacity needed. I don't know. What am I even saying here. I don't have a child.

That's another thing. I also know that I'm not fit to have a child. For example, if Nicco asks me for help, I mean, if it's really an emergency, I'll be there. But I'm not the one who will offer first. I mean, that's not my child.

And not just that. Because our life really can't handle it. My sister also asks me if I can help her. Then I'll just work at their place. And I tell her that if I start working, I won't be able to help. So you literally just put me in your house and I won't notice you.

I know that.

But again, if it's an emergency, of course.

Of course. You'll go on leave from work. If it's really necessary. But I mean, day to day, we need to take care of the baby? I can't.

Just leave our nephews in the lobby with their nannies.

I really can't. Like we said, I don't carry babies.

He really can't.

I really can't.

He'll pay attention to a child when he's two-years-old already. When the child is not fragile anymore.

Despite that. I'll just play with a child if he comes to me. I won't initiate. I'll just wave or smile at him. I'll just be like that. And a lot of people get offended. If you do that, you're not providing their child with attention.

You're not competing to hold the child.

You're not competing. Why? I mean, it's cute. Especially our nieces. I love our niece and nephew.

I thought you weren't going to include our nephew.

I was a bit confused. What's the male version of niece?

Because in Tagalog, it's just "pamangkin."

I don't know why spoke in English.

I also don't seek to hold the child. Especially when it's a nephew. I know I see him every now and then. So I won't compete to hold the child. But they hand them to me. Because when they see that you don't mind not holding the baby they hand it to me.

I really don't understand that. Because I'm okay with it.

We're that weird couple.

I'm okay with it. I don't get it. Why do other people get offended when you don't want to be a part of that? I mean...

Because it's weird. Usually, it's... It's like they're really competing.

I find babies cute. But not enough to... pinch their skin. Especially if it's a newborn.

That's scary.

And the vaccine isn't complete yet. I won't really hold it. I might drop it and break it.

Break it? You're really hopeless.

No, really. That's how I am. And I won't...

Baby hater.

We have a friend who's our only child. Our only child?

Our only child.

Our only friend.

She makes babies cry.

She makes babies cry. She's a bully. Let's call her out when she's here.

You always see her here. She's our only friend. Sorry to our other friends.

She's our only friend because we're like this.

We're more damaged.

Guys, I admit I'm a mean person. I don't hide it. I'm telling you, I don't hold a child. Why are you forcing me?

But other people... There's a reverse psychology.

Oh, yeah.

That's why people think... You know, you're just trying to be cute. Because it's not usual. That's what happened to me when my nephew was just a baby. I was like, "Why should I get into that? I'll see her next month." Something like that. So I was just chilling. Then they were like, "Oh, give it your Ate." See, my family name is Ate. "Have Ate carry her." I was like, "Guys, you know I know how to hold a baby, right?" Why is there a test?

It's like they're the ones deciding for you. "Hold this." I don't want to.

What if it's a puppy? You'll grab it!

It still depends on me.

If the dog is cute, you grab it from everyone else.

Yeah, but I won't carry it.

What about the small one?

Who's that?

The terrier.

Tina?

Yeah.

I still am unsure of it I don't want to. break anything. But...

Clumsy AF

One question.

Bye! You were listening to the DINKWAP Show.