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Hi. I'm Cassanya Lukich and this is diary of a birth. Some of the most challenging births can also be the most healing ones. After having to go under general anesthetic during her first birth, today's guest didn't get to experience hearing her baby's first cry. Determined to be awake for her second, Jordan worked closely with anesetus to find a solution, but when the moment came, her body's resistant to medication put her in an unthinkable position.
We either need to get going and try and get it done, or we need to put you to sleep. So in that moment here I have the decision again of am I being put to sleep or am I going to try and be awake? Definitely my baby be born.
When standard anesthesia failed again, she found herself in the operating theater, facing a split second choice that would define her birth experience. So let's meet today's mum.
Hi, my name is Jordan and this is my diary of a birth with Dakota.
So, Jordan, can you tell us a little bit about You've got two kids now, you've got a four and a two year old. Can you tell us a little bit about your birth with Matilda.
Yeah, so I had your stational diabetes. So they had always spoken about induction. I had a failed induction, so I didn't progress, and heart rate and everything like that went pretty high, which turned into an emergency cesarean. They tried to put in an epidural twice and it didn't really work, so when we got up to theater, they tried to then put in a spinal which was working. And as soon as they started to do the procedure and started to cut, I was like I can feel this.
I can feel this, Like please stop now, Like no, no, you'll feel a little bit of tai. I was like no, Like I can feel you cutting, I need to stop now. So I actually was put to sleep for her birth, so I wasn't awake at all while she was being born.
Yeah, obviously with that that is quite scary to feel that pain when you fell pregnant with Dakota. Was that kind of in the back of your mind.
Yes, totally. From the beginning, I had made it known with my hospital that this happened the first time, and I don't want it to happen again, So they'd actually organized appointments with an ethodist to talk through it, to make sure that, like, if I was going to have a cesarean, then I could be awake for it, because that was my main thing, apart from it being scary and not nice to feel. I wanted to meet my baby like as soon as I born, and I didn't get to do that the first time I was it
was an hour later during COVID. My partner didn't even get to meet her until they're neither, so that was huge for me.
Yeah, with your first with Matilda, because they had to put you under general and aesthetic, you didn't get to meet us straight away. No, so how long after were you able to be with her?
Yeah? So she was born at twenty three twenty three, so eleven twenty three PM, and I got to meet her, and all the photos of us meeting for the first time were at twelve thirty five, So that's over an hour later. So you know people talk about the golden hour. Well, neither myself or my partner got to meet her within that first hour.
Yeah, and you would have been kind of out of it as well, because you're coming out of general aesthetic.
Yeah, and it was twelve thirty in the morning after laboring all day, so, like I was exhausted. I could barely keep my eyes open. I was so excited to meet this little girl that you know, we didn't know we're having a girl, so I was so excited to meet her. But yeah, it was just a lot not knowing that I would be put to sleep, then not knowing that even my partner wouldn't be meeting her. Yeah, straightaway.
So you fell pregnant with Dakota, you kind of knew that this was the case that anesthesia didn't quite work on you the way that it normally does. You have your meeting with the anethetist. How are you feeling throughout the pregnancy while having this in the back of your mind.
Honestly, my first thought was let's try and have a v back because I don't want to have to go through this again. That was my initial thought, and I'd sort of tried to prepare for that as much as I could until I got to about, I want to say, maybe thirty four weeks, and things sort of took a little bit of a change. So that's when then I knew I'm going to have to have a planned caesar. Okay, this is like a bit stressful. Are these things going
to happen again? Yeah? It was very stressful for my self and for my partner because it was obviously very traumatic for him too.
What was it about at thirty four weeks meaning you couldn't have a vback? Why couldn't you have a vback?
Yeah, So initially we thought I was going into labor early, so we'd sort of spoken about that. I was in hospital for a week and then she was doing a few reduced movements flipping breach not being breach, and it was a bit like my hospital went super keen on
a breach feedback, as a lot wouldn't be. So then when it got to my third well, thirty five ish weeks, I started having more reduced movements and I went in for a scan and they estimated that at thirty six weeks she was measuring around over four kilos and she turned breach. So they were like, if you were thinking of doing a meedback, it's probably not going to happen. Yeah.
I know with your first you had gestational diabetes. You also had HG, which is the hyper emai scabbardarium. I can never pronounce it properly.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, did you have that with your second as well? No, So I had like I had some nausea and morning sickness and vomiting with Dakota, but I didn't have it anywhere to the extreme as I did with Matilda. Like I could still eat, I could still go to work, whereas with my first, I felt like I spent a lot of time. It was lockdown, so we obviously weren't doing a lot anyway, but I felt like I spent a lot of the time not doing
anything because I was sick all the time. Where As second time round, I still had gestational diabetes, but I didn't have the severe morning sickness HG that I did with my first.
So you get to thirty six weeks, you're kind of like, Okay, we've got to put this Caesar in place. When did they book that in for you?
So just before thirty six weeks, So I was about thirty five and six maybe, so it was like two or three days before I went thirty six weeks. I had a reduced movements where I didn't really feel her move I went in, they did like some monitoring. It came back okay, so they were like, let's just do another lot tomorrow and then we've got this scan booked in two days, so like that'll be perfect. So I did the scan and the scan went from oh, she's breached to this is urgent. You actually need to go
back to your doctor. I'm not recording movement, so like in the scan they say, you know, like they should tick off. Are they like practicing breathing? Are they moving? And she wasn't doing any movements. She was just in the one spot. So I went in to my doctor straight after and they said to me, ideally we'd like to get to thirty seven weeks, but if you come in every single day and we do monitoring, you may come in and she may come out. It's like pretty stressful.
So they had it looked in for a week later at thirty seven weeks exactly. But it was literally like our laugh is on pause because we didn't know if we're going to have a baby that day.
So your partner, Hugh, you've got a toddler, a two year old, and I know how difficult it is being pregnant with a two year old. It is very hard. And then your partner, Hugh, so during that last week, how was he and you know, your family with that, because obviously it's very heightened anxiety around that time.
Yeah, we're so lucky that we have really supportive families, families that are very close to us, like my mum and his mum, and everyone was very like, if we need to help, we help. And at that point until it wasn't in childcare, so like she was always with me and me having to go into a hospital every day,
it means that somebody has to have her. So everyone was very stressed knowing that she's probably going to come early, but also like she couldn't be coming at any time, and he was just trying to work so that then when she did come, he could then take the time off. He didn't want to take time off while we're waiting that Okay, she might not be here until thirty seven weeks, so let's try and you know, get in and he's only five minutes from the hospital where he works, so it's not as bad, but yeah.
Will you stay at home mom at the time?
Yeah, yeah, obviously that's.
Also very challenging. Your partner, Hugh works full time. He doesn't want to take time off. Do you make it to thirty seven weeks?
Yeah? So I was really lucky. So the thirty seven weeks was the Monday, so that's when we were booked in and we were told to come in on that day. On this Saturday, I went in and I had the monitoring done and they were a bit like, I'm not sure if you're going home today. I think she could be coming, but because she was thirty six weeks, they wanted to make sure that everybody was there, so they kept monitoring me and I was there for probably five or six hours, and then they went, okay, we're happy
with this monitoring. Let's like you've got two days to go. Let's just try and get through to this thirty seven week because we've got a team ready to go. So I managed to make it to thirty seven week. So I was booked in and I was the first off the rank, so like they're at seven o'clock ready to go, which was lovely.
Did you go through the public system private system? Where are you based?
Yeah, so I'm near Ballarat, so I went publicly through the hospital in Balerat.
So that's you know, regional basically.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, so you're.
In the regional system. You're in the public system. Did you have consistent care throughout your pregnancy.
No, so I've seeing different doctors midwives the whole way through. I was really lucky that I had an incredible student midwife, Indy, who was with me the whole way through. That was my only consistent and it was nice that I had her to be able to be lack We talked about this last time. This is what we wanted sort of when I got to I don't really not to say in appointments, but I didn't have any of the consistency
of seeing the same doctor. They sort of read my notes, freak out a little bit, and then I'd have to explain everything over again. So that was very difficult too. Yeah.
How did that make you feel during that time? Was it frustrating or Yeah?
It was very like and I think too A lot of the time they would sort of jump the gun whenever I'd go in for monitoring because they'd read the notes and then they'd freak a little bit and be like, oh my goodness, we really need to sort this out. And I'd be like, hold on a minute, like go back. It's not as you know, like, yeah, okay, I want my baby to be healthy, but like just come and talk to me first, and don't just read what you're reading on a piece of paper like I'm a person.
So I found that really really hard.
Yeah, so every time you went in, they kind of freak out and go, okay, we need to get this baby out now because of what was on the paper.
Yeah, and just the fact that like i'd seen one of the head doctors and she was the one that was sure that we could make it to thirty seven weeks, that if we did this monitoring, and also on my own intuition, like if I felt something changed, then I would come and you know, and that's what she said to me. So I think we can make it to thirty seven. But I would go in a doctor that
hadn't seen me before. We'd go, oh my gosh, this is a lot we need to get this baby out now sort of thing, without being like, actually, I'm not as stressed today, Yeah, we need to monitor the baby, but today I'm not as stressed because I felt a
kick or two in comparison to nothing coming up. I think it was maybe two days later, and they were like, we've kin't of never seen anything quite like it, because by the time I got to recovery, I could feel my legs like I could wiggle and that's not very long. They were like, this is crazy.
You get to your thirty seven weeks, you go in for your planned season. What does that look like when you're going in.
Yeah, So obviously had a couple of appointments with the anesthetics prior just to go through what had happened in the first and that my main goal was to be awake. That's all I wanted if I could. I also didn't want to completely traumatize myself by feeling everything and just pushing through because I thought that was the right thing to do. So I went in. They did the spinal
as they normally would. You know, you're like a ye, lean over, They put the needle in, they laid me down, and they did the ars test where they go up and try and work out where it was two and they got to my hips, and then they got past my hips. I was like, oh yeah, I can feel that, and they were like you can feel it. I was
like yeah yeah, and I'm like okay. So they did like where they tilted the bed so like my head was down and my feet were up in the air, and let that go for a little bit, and then did the Yce test again and it maybe moved a centimeter up and they were like, this is weird. The actual spinal like that they put in the needle and everything was perfect, like there was nothing wrong with that, just that the anti saith wasn't coming up. So they ended up calling in a second so I had two
anetheists in the room then at that point. So they got me up and they redid it. So they gave me a second lot of spinal. So I'd had one lot, now I was having a second lot. And they said to me, the only thing to be aware of is because we're giving you so much, there's a chance that it could go too high and then you might feel like you can't breathe and then we will have to knock you out. So here's me being like, I don't want to feel anything, but I could get to a
point where I feel like I can't breathe. Oh my goodness. They're like, so it's up to you, but we don't think it's likely because of how it didn't go up a huge way. And I was like, okay, well, I guess let's try it then. So they did the second lot, same thing, laid me down and did the ARS test and it got to the bottom of my rib cage, so like a lot higher. And they said, Okay, I don't think we're going to get it up any higher because we can't give you a third dose that like
we've never given anyone that much. We either need to get going and try and get it done, or we need to put you to sleep. So in that moment here I have the decision again of am I being put to sleep or am I going to try and be awake? Definitely my baby be born.
And I'm assuming your partner Hugh was in the room at the time. Did you have a discussion about that. Were you like, let's try or just put me under?
Yeah? So my student midwife, Indy, and him, and I also was really lucky one of the theater nurses that actually a family friend, so she was really good at being sort of like a motherly figure over the top of me. And she was like, at the end of the day, if you can't do it, you can't do it, but why don't we try? And the needy to have said to me, we can always try, and if you get five minutes in and you got I can't do this,
we'll put you to sleep, like it's fine. And I sort of was like, I think I would prefer that I try then that I'd just be put to sleep now. And I have that like what if I try it? So we had that discussion and they were like, all right, are we getting started or not. Like we sort of had like a good fifteen seconds to really discuss, Like it was not a very long time, but it was like, okay, let's just go at it and let's just see and fingers crossed it works.
So they will you into the operating theater and they start, yep, did you feel anything.
Well, So it actually turned out that Dakota's head was jammed up in my ribs, which meant that because the anesthetic was up to my rib cage and her head was a little bit higher that when they started. So like initially it was okay, I couldn't feel really anything, a bit of tugging, as they sort of say. But as they sort of started to try and get her, I was like, oh my gosh, I can feel it. I can feel it. Oh my gosh, stop stop, I can feel this. And they were like, no, no, it's just
a bit of time. I was like, no, I can. But because of where her head was and where the anithetic stopped, I obviously could feel that's where she was they were trying to get her from.
Yeah, so you could feel someone's hands inside you.
Right up at my roob cage, and I was like, oh my gosh. They were like, do you want us to put your sleep? And I was like I don't. And in that moment, I didn't know what I wanted, Like, I did not know. I knew that the baby was so close to being born. I didn't know if I wanted to be put to sleep or if I could just try and get through it. It was insane.
I'm kind of in shock because you're effectively feeling someone's hands inside you, yep, trying to pull your baby out.
Correct. So they literally said to me, we either knock you out or we give you some like pretty strong pain mets, and I was like, are the paid meds first? Because I was like, I've made it this far, let's just try and get like, I'm so close. I didn't think I would make it to this point because I didn't with my you know, with Matilda. I was they started and I was asleep, so like, I'd got through the first part, surely I can try and get through
the next bit. So they pumped me in with a couple of drugs, which my partner says he thought that I wasn't awake like in the room because I was so out of it, but I was there. My eyes were just closed and it was like I was resting, but I needed some serious stuff to get through that part.
Yeah wow, yeah, yeah, yeah, Okay, so you get through it just just first of all, like the women are amazing. This is incredible that you could just resist that, like deal with that kind of pain. So they eventually able to get her out. I'm assuming it's fairly quick because usually CE sections are fairly quick, but it probably didn't feel quick for you.
Yeah, it felt like an eternity. But when I look back, like I've got some really cool live pictures and it was very fast. You know, I've got pictures of them pulling her out of my rib cage, so between that and her actually being out was very fast, but it felt like forever in my lifetime.
But you know, you said that it was healing because you were able to.
Be away, Yeah, one hundred percent.
So they put Dakota straight onto your chest.
No, so they lifted her up and obviously my partner got to be like, it's another girl, And unfortunately when she came out, she was a little bit purply blue. She let out a cry, so that was amazing because you know, obviously we didn't get to hear Matilda's first cry, but she was a little bit not great, so they took her straight to the rest of us attear and she did eventually have to go straight to special cares. So I didn't actually get to do that first hold,
which is what I wan wanted. But I think it's still was healing because I got to see her be in the world for the first time, whereas I didn't with Matilda. I still missed out on that holding part, but I seen her first moments which I didn't get to with Matilda.
Yeah, do you feel sad that you didn't get to have that or you felt like that was what you needed to be able to see her come out.
Yeah, I was definitely sad. I mean she was a little bit unwell then, so like we didn't actually get to hold her until she was around I want to say, twenty eight hours old, so she was like over a day old by the time we actually got to hold
you know, we could touch her. I was definitely sad about not getting to hold her, But I think the fact that I got to see her be born meant that that part isn't as I don't want to say the word traumatic, but it doesn't hold as much in me that makes me super sat sad as what I think it would have if I hadn't have had the experience with Matilda.
Yeah, in terms of recovery, did the anetheist tell you anything about what it is about your genetic makeup that makes you so resistant to anesthetic?
No, So, like they came in seeing us a couple of I think it was maybe two days later, and they will like, we've can't have never seen anything quite like it. Because by the time I got to recovery, I could feel my legs like I could wiggle, and that's not very long. They were like, this is crazy, and they just sort of said to us, like, we might use your story without saying who you are, but to sort of educate other anethodists because it's not something
that you know, they've ever done before. But they sort of said to me, I think if you have another baby, you'll need to be under general anaesthetic.
Yeah, yeah, so there's just something about your makeup that makes you resistant.
Yeah, well they think like they always say that people with red hair have a bit of resistance to anesthetic, which, finally enough, my partner has red hair, and Matilda and Dakota both have red hair, but I don't, so I should be a redhead really, but yet they just don't know why. I have since found out that I have an auntie who had a ceserian who also had issues with anesthetic. So whether it's something in my genetic makeup, I'm not really sure.
Tell me a little bit about holding Dakota for the first time after she was born and you're in recovery.
Yeah, it was amazing. So I want to say, she's about twenty six hours old, so she'd just been pulled out of their humanic crib isolate sort of thing and had to see pat breathing thing on her and stuff like that. So the fact that I was able to then hold her, I think it was I won't want to say as magical as with Matilda, but it was really like amazing that, Okay, I got to see you
be born, whereas I didn't get to see Matilda. But I still felt so much love even though I just watched you in a box for so long, like I've just been watching you from the outside. But this was still so incredible and it felt almost healing, Like I got a birth where I got to see my child be born. I was awake, I pushed through it, whereas I could have just in that moment given up and missed out on her birth even though it was so close.
So I think that really like healed me. Even though the birth was still pretty intense, it was quite healing, I guess. Yeah.
I think there's a lot of pressure to have that golden hour, you know, the time on the chest, But even if you don't have that, you can still have a really beautiful experience with your newborn and feel that connection straight away.
Yeah, And I think like credit to the midwife and the doctors and everything in there, like they helped us have the birth we wanted to, even though in that moment they probably could have just turned out and said, no, we need to put you to sleep, like we can't do this, but they listened to us and that this was what we wanted, and I'm very grateful that they did listen.
In the end, do you think you want to have more children?
I'm actually pregnant now, congratulations, thank you. Yeah.
How far along are you?
So? I'm twenty one weeks? Oh my god? Yeah?
Okay, So what is the plan with number three? Do you have plans?
Yeah? Well, so I went into it just assuming, as you know you would, that I will need to have
a caesar under general. And I've since had an appointment the uneathodist to say, let's try something different, and let's do what they called the combined epidural spinal, so where I would have both an epidural and a spinal at the same time, where they can keep topping up the epidural dury and see if that works with the goal that I will be awake, but with also the understanding that it is very fine for them to click their fingers and put me asleep if it doesn't work, but
they were more than happy for us to try and be awake and try and get a good birth. But even a better birth than Dakota, and hopefully a birth with you know, being able to hold my baby for the first time would be ideal.
Yeah, you seem very positive about these experiences, even though from the outside might sound quite traumatic. What do you want to sort of give people from your story?
Yeah, I think although talking to somebody it might sound like someone's birth is traumatic, it doesn't necessarily mean that somebody's birth is traumatic for them. And I think the big thing for me is that I might not have a perfect birth in comparison to some of my best friends and some of my close friends, but it doesn't mean that it's not a really good berth for me.
And I think that's one of the things that I've found is talking to friends and family, I lack that Yes, my story is a lot and it's not the norm, but also I don't think of my berths as hugely traumatic. So I think holding space for others to be able to tell their story because it might not actually be as traumatic as you might think it is just from hearing it. I think that is a huge thing.
Yeah, you still had a beautiful experience even if it wasn't a traditional one.
Yeah, yeah, absolutely, I still think it was healing and it was beautiful to be able to see her be born, even if it wasn't the picture perfect. Everything went to plan birth that you know some people have.
I know you kept the first two as surprised. Do you know what you're having this time around?
No, but this pregnancy has been wildly different, so who.
Knows, well, Jordan, Thank you so much for sharing your story. It's fascinating and I'm very happy for you, and I hope that your third bubb comes out safe and sound.
Yeah, thank you, but yeah, you're like a SuperH Thank you so much for having me. It's been great to share, and I'm so glad that I was able to share a story that I guess you don't really hear very often.
Diary of a Birth was hosted by me Casenya Lukich. If you like our show, don't forget to subscribe and rate goes a long way to allowing us to continue sharing your stories. This episode was produced by Ella Maitland and myself Casenya Lukich, with audio production by Tina Matalov,