Understanding and Addressing Toxic Shame, Including Practices That Build Our Self-Esteem

If you are around in September over Labor Day and you want to go on our retreat, if you're interested, it'll be up on the website. We're also gonna be doing I think uh recovery dharma event in Philadelphia, june fifteenth. And uh finally we were really fortunate to find this space. I think the space is it's really beautiful and and calming and pretty easy to get to. And it's right next to the East River, so you can go down and look at the

Williamsburg Bridge and have dinner at any one of ten thousand restaurants around here. So um I do have to pay for the use of the space to the centers. If you can Uh again, we don't turn anyone away and whatever you donate is entirely up to you. If you do have ten dollars, that's really what kind of pays for leave some space. But if that's in any way a stress. Don't worry about it. Fine if you can give five dollars, that's great. That's all the announcements.

I'm gonna be talking about the sense of shame, especially what's known as toxic shame, which is a sense of There's something broken, unlovable, damaged about m me, my essence. my identity. I'm going to be talking about how it starts and then how we address it and change the way we feel about ourselves and why the way we feel about ourselves is so

Vitally important. So our sense of self is constructed in early childhood over the course of tens of thousands of interactions between us as infants and parents. And basically what human nervous systems do is they reach out. to adults and to have their needs met. So basically the infant survival is based upon securing attention and transmitting or signaling its internal state. to a caregiver so it will survive.

And over the course of these tens upon tens of thousands of interactions where we reach out for safety, nourishment, soothing, appreciation. uh just have our nervous systems regulated, kind of responses we get from the people, the adults around us. uh whether their their facial expressions are positive or not, whether we can maintain eye contact or not, whether their body language is soothing or overly stimulating for us.

uh whether they transmit a sense of being we're welcome or not, or whether they express disinterest or not, all of these. uh not single events but patterns uh coalesce And they create lasting, enduring, what sometimes people know as attachment styles, internal working models, uh guides. to how we expect others to respond to us in different situations.

And in adult life. Depending upon those early interactions, if we are, you know, as a child, when we uh expressed anger, if our parents were okay with that and told us, oh, you're angry, but didn't immediately shame, punish, reject, uh, turn away, then anger is created as part of our self structure and we can allow ourselves to feel anger.

without it creating a sense of there's something wrong with me and we'll be able to express anger in our relationships. But even early childhood certain emotions were not received, then We will expect others to reject those affects. We will um suppress, will need to consume uh uh substances or uh behaviors to uh these states will feel foreign and threatening and uh they're associated with um one of the most painful states of the nervous system.

Uh to be specific, there's three states of our nervous system. One is what's called mobilized. And that uses what's called your sympathetic nervous system, which is the nervous system of your outer limbs and your spinal cord. And it allows you to move, it allows you to run, it allows you to fight. It allows you to mobilize and defend yourself. So the sympathetic or arousal state is associated with what we call fight and flight. Um the second state is immobilized.

Immobilized is the freeze state when we are when a caregiver is scary, when we're overwhelmed, when we're completely abandoned and alone. then what happens is a very ancient region of the parasympathetic, specifically the dorsal kicks in, all of the the energy in our body, as it were, which is simply the activation of the dorsal parasympathetic, which is the nerve the nerve cluster that runs down the front of your body, kicks in and people feel like

everything's going to their gut, they feel heartache, they feel like they're gonna vomit, or they feel s people lose control of their bowels or their stomachs become completely um uh just they suddenly feel like all of the energy is just collapsing to their core. The third state is the one that we thrive in. It's called some neuropsychologists and neurologists call it social engaged. It's the state where you use the muscles in your face to connect and express. Your internal state.

And the more we experience secure attachment and childhood, the more over time we will stay in this the most modern state of our nervous system, which is called the the ventral. Um there was dorsal and there's the ventral. So parasympathetic. So anyway, we call that social engage. Some people call it homeostasis. When you're in it, you'll know because your heart stops racing. But you're not dissociating, you're not checked out. You're present. You are expressing yourself. You're engaged.

You're not in threat detection where your eyes are bouncing around hyperscanning people's facial expressions. You feel your shoulders drop, you're because you're not in the dorsal state, your stomach relaxes, your chest opens up, and you're now in a place where you don't have to defend yourself. Or freeze and shut down to survive.

So these three states of your nervous system create Feeling. Feelings are your nervous system responding to changes in your environment. And feelings according to Dimasio and Jack Pansep and all of and the Buddha. Two said that every choice, every behavior, everything in our life is not determined by how we think, but by how we feel.

Damasio famously showed with people who cannot integrate their feelings into the areas of their brain that initiate behaviors, these people can't make any decisions. They just are stuck. They can they're intellectual, they're smart, they can discuss The pros and cons, but they can't make a choice because what chooses for us.

What instigates all of our behaviors are what's called gut feelings. You'd like to read more about it, the famous boat Descartes' error, where Damasio first laid out all of the neuroscience and then Uh it's it's now known as if you care, you probably won't, but it's known as the somatic marker hypothesis.

which is now the accepted understanding of how you people make decisions. We don't think and act. We don't think and choose. We feel and those gut feelings are determined by earlier experiences in our life. So for example when I was Um very yeah, but uh throughout my childhood, I wasn't even young, my dad was bipolar alcoholic, who would do crazy and now in retrospect, sometimes bizarrely funny things.

Uh he'd built a boat in our living room, which somehow, because of the insanity of all the things he would do, um didn't strike me as particularly odd. Um so he built a boat. But I wasn't none of us were particularly um happy about getting on it because the previous boat he built, not in our living room, sank immediately. It was a catamaran and he enlisted all of the people in our building

to help him move the pontoons, I don't know what they're called, the catamaran. It wasn't really the doorman, I don't there wasn't really a doorman, but you know, whoever the janitor, it wasn't really their job to move a boat out of somebody's living room, but he would In his craziness, he could enlist people to do things that were way outside of their job description. So we get there and he forces us onto this catamaran and gets to the middle of the Long Island Safa and starts sinking.

And I'm in sheer terror. So to this day, I cannot get on small boats. What happens is somebody says, hey, do you want to get on a, you want to go have a boat, right? And then what happens is if the way we make decisions is somebody offers you a choice. You quickly visualize an internal representation of what that choice might be like. And then from that inner representation, you have gut feelings that are determined by earlier experiences in your life.

For me, boats conjure up sheer terror. So I'm always like, no, I don't think I want to do that. So every situation in your life, before you make a choice. You are unconsciously generating internal images. Your fast somatic markers, which are determined by your amygdala, your hyp your hypocampus, your ventral parietal, and uh your insula are generating fast feelings, and those are determining

what you choose. You go to a restaurant, somebody asks, you know I mean nobody asks at a restaurant. You look at a menu and you're choosing between the um I don't know, the tempeh ruben and the gale of salad. Well, of course, you're gonna choose the tempeh ruben. Uh Not necessarily, but I would. Because when I conjure an image with Tempe Rubens, I've it conjures up in me based on the early Rubens I had in my life a feeling of pleasure. So that's why I choose it. There's no logic.

We like to believe that our decisions are made by logical factors in our brain, but actually studies show that we make the decisions. LaBette studies show we we make the decisions before there's even the generation of thought in the left frontal lobe. So the way you feel about yourself determines everything. It's not even your thoughts you have about yourself. It is the way you feel when you look at yourself in a mirror.

The feelings that are conjured up about you in different situations when somebody makes an offer of an opportunity. Every time somebody says, hey, would you like to come out with us to have uh you know, go to this concert and see our friends uh band, you visualize an image in your mind of what that might look like. And then based on previous experiences where you are at concerts, it generates a fast

Tension or release in your stomach, in your throat, in your shoulders, in your face, the way you breathe. All of these are read by your insula and they say, no, thank you. Or they say, Great. I love going to gigs, depending upon the feelings.

So the early interactions with our caregivers determine the way we feel. about all the different situations in our life because there's countless interactions. There's countless times we see our parents have to deal with money, with separation, with disagreement, with and depending upon how well they deal with that, we observe. And then those create feelings in us. And those feelings are very influential until we see something that corrects. those images.

In many ways, the work I do, which is primarily counseling, uh the the work of any therapist, is to create a new model to override those early models that were not helpful. So the role, it's not the interpretation that a therapist, a Buddhist pastor, a friend, a sponsor in 12-step gives you. It's simply the way they respond to you.

You can be in therapy and not hear a single insightful word, but if the person listens attentively, conveys nonverbally, because those are what really matter into your nervous system. You know, interest. curiosity, if they smile when you smile, if they express uh their they mirror your emotions, if they convey that you're safe and encouraged, if they express delight with your growth.

Then throughout all of those experiences, you are slowly in a specific region of your brain, the orbital frontal, creating a new model. And that new model is one of safety. That new model is one that uh of uh anticipating um interest, and it will change the type of person you look. For for comfort.

Because originally we all go back to the people who remind us of our parents. It's one of the unfortunate things. It's not tonight's topic, but by the way, just I'm sure you realize that human brains like animal brains. You would think that we would stay away from things that are the most traumatic patterns of our life, but very often the most overwhelming. redundant traumatic experiences we gravitate towards again and again and again.

Why is that? Well, there's differences of opinion. Some neuroscientists say because the right hemisphere, the right orbital frontal, just feels most comfortable in the familiar. Freud said it's because we want to win.

We want to win in the situations we lost all the time. So a child that was always trying to get love from an emotionally unavailable parent or parent will always Dave, emotionally unavailable people, until they either through therapy or the kindness of friends, internalize a new model of what real attachment can be like.

So um unfortunately for us, even if our early experience was pretty positive, in the second year of childhood. Um, the psychologist Louis Coslino showed that we hear the word no from our parents on average two hundred times a day. And if your parents are stressed out. If they don't know how to w repair, which is at the end of the day, grab you and your nervous system and say, It's okay, I know I got uh Uh freaked out.

when you ran into the traffic. I know I got upset when you threw the the glass at the wall. I know I yelled a bit and said no harshly when you pulled the cat's tail. But No matter what, I love you, you you are to me everything. You're mine, you know, you're who I love. When parents do that. the child's nervous system returns to a state of homeostasis or social engage. And there's no enduring lasting state of

of, you know, sympathetic arousal. But many parents don't know how to do that. They're so stressed, they're so overburdened, they don't know how to uh repair all the times they say no throughout the day. And over time, the child's nervous system is stuck now in this state of hypervigilance. a lack of safety. And there's no longer this ever this state associated with attachment or connection where they've they associate these vital bonds with ease. And comfort.

The process of building our sense of self, how we feel about ourselves, reaches its crescendo in our early-peer interactions. Um how others regard us are internalized as well. And as Bandura showed, so all of the kinds of gazes you receive from others are coalescing even deeper into lasting association.

And so Joseph Sandler, who's a great psychologist at the Hampstead Clinic, said, uh, the most important developmental event in our lives is the how our internal representation creates a what he calls a backdrop of feeling. If you were Secure. When you stop and look at yourself in a mirror, when you see an image of yourself, when you conjure up an image of yourself in your mind, it's against a backdrop of positive feelings in your body. And that encourages you.

to make new connections. It keeps you in social engaged. It allows you to feel confident to go out and try new skills. It allows you in social situations that are on that you where you don't know people to reach out and say hello because You feel ultimately when you think of yourself, it's against a robust, strong, confident body. And from those feelings of confidence comes behaviors that are confident. But suppose um the lasting feeling state that your childhood produced.

was one of You know, for children that got sometimes got attention that was soothing but other times didn't, where there was no pattern that was reassuring. Those children wind up generally anxious. And they're constantly at a state of alert. When they see themselves in a mirror, they don't feel anything. They they it's like they're looking at a stranger.

And if you don't feel anything when you conjure up an image of yourself in your mind, or you see an image of yourself in a mirror, or you hear your voice. or you see a photograph of yourself or catch a reflection of yourself. If you don't feel anything, then guess what the results are? You will feel in all of your relationships you have to prove yourself and that you can't rely.

Because you don't feel anything. There's nothing in your body creating a feeling of confidence, innate, you know, innate worthiness, innate goodness. Every interaction starts from a place of once again needing to uh prove that you're worthy of love. And the problem with that state.

And the even worse states, the child who grew up in an environment where there was never any attention or grew up in a traumatic environment where there was violence is when they see themselves in the mirror, it might actually be against a backdrop of disgust in their body. When they see themselves, they might actually feel that parasympathetic dive. And those children are constantly in a state of essentially don't hit me. spawning behaviors, freezing, behaviors, dissociation.

And depending upon the degree of insecurity in childhood will determine the degree of addiction in our life will determine the degree of how confident and how the longitudinal studies an attachment show that you can confidently project. From age one and a half. the meaningful outcome. of the person's life when they're twenty five or thirty. They literally uncannily with eighty percent accuracy.

were able to s see children that were not bonding well that were because of, you know, they tried, but there there was something about the bond between the child and the parent that was overwhelming for the child, was not sufficient. You can there's a famous test called the strange test. And if you follow those kids twenty five years later,

you can see predictable results. The ones that the more secure, the more they are happy in their jobs, lasting relationships, an absence of sub an absence of substance dependence, and so forth. Um the ones that were anxious. that didn't always get without got unpredictable responses. Those are people that are good at their jobs. But very often constantly uh settling for breadcrumbs in relationships or are choosing people that are not emotionally available. Yeah.

And the and also they were laughing at something that wasn't very funny. So uh anyway. And then of course. The children who have what's called disorganized attachment, there's a prevalence of substance dependence, self-harm behaviors, and so forth. So um

Uh yeah, so we've already covered a lot. Um When you we have this toxic shame, toxic shame is simply a word for when you think of yourself, when people look at you, what you say it's simply against the backdrop of anything but warm feelings in your body. And from that comes thoughts, behaviors that are self-sabotaging, um, and behaviors that are associated with not taking care of oneself. When we have this, there's a global feeling of inadequacy.

We feel very uncomfortable being looked at. We don't like making as much eye contact. Um, we have the if we're anxious, we'll grow up to have a very strong sense of imposter syndrome. But people who interestingly who have even more damaged attachment systems who grow up um w uh without any positive sense of self or positive feelings. What they will do is to compensate for that, they'll build up these massive ego structures that are narcissistic as a defense against the fact they feel nothing.

or disgust when they think about themselves. So they compensate with these grandiose stories. And then one of them might wind up to be president president from two thousand sixteen to two thousand twenty. Might be running again for presidency. Um Ha ha ha. Thanks. When pe when people have imposter syndrome Or uh they literally cannot accept comp compliments.

Because there's nothing in their bodies for it to land in. They literally don't feel anything when they look at themselves in a mirror. So when somebody says, I'm so happy here in my life, or I so appreciated what you did for me, or you did an excellent job. It won't land anywhere. There's no positive affect for it to amplify.

So they will feel, eh, you don't know what you're talking about. You really don't know me. Because ultimately they're constantly trying to prove themselves, but there's very little in there that can be activated to feel good.

The goal, as the Buddha said Um, you know, interestingly, people s think that the Buddha taught only that there was no sense of uh self. Actually, what the Buddha taught is there's no lasting self, that our self is always subject. to change depending upon the situations we're in and the feelings

that our vote will then change the way we act and even think about ourselves. So sometimes Even in childhoods that were very scary, there were situations where a child got positive attention, maybe from their art or their dancing or from their um something the when they were uh taking care of one of their parents. So when they engage in those behaviors, suddenly their entire sense of self changes because in those situations in childhood, they got mirroring.

They got positive responses. So in those situations, their bodies start to create good feelings where there were none before. So our self can change, but we in every situation of your life, you have a self. What is your self? It's the feelings that are evoked when you think about it. When you visualize yourself, when somebody asks whether you're willing to do something or not, those affects or feelings in your body are your sense of self.

Nothing more, nothing less. And the Buddha noted that we can actually change those. And interestingly enough, the Buddha's recommendations for changing the way we feel about ourselves is eerily similar to the teachings of attachment theorists.

about how to address and change her sense of self. Specifically the work of Dan Brown and David Elliott at Harvard, who wrote the book Attachment Disturbances in Adults. And they talked about that literally through not only through the therapeutic encounter or uh sponsor where you're with someone who undoes or creates a corrective uh, you know, experience that you internalize that change the way you feel.

when you talk about difficult things. Now you don't experience shame like you might have with a mother or father or sibling or peer. In therapy you or with a sponsor or with a good friend, you disclose something and they listen and they normalize it and they smile and say, I've done that too. And suddenly there's a new model. And if you keep doing that over and over again, then you're slowly changing the internal model. And in every situation where you have to be vulnerable.

you start to feel different things. You won't feel shame. You won't feel all of the energy plummeting and the expectation of judgment. or criticism, you'll start to feel a sense of confidence that it's okay that I feel this way.

But we don't only as uh Daniel Brown noted, we don't have to wait always until just meeting with a good friend or a therapist or you know, someone that replaces those models, we can actually do this work internally as well. And the way we do this is we practice the Buddha's um uh daily recollections where he talked about in where he literally created a list of exercises where people can change the internal models.

Or change the the expectations that have been formed previously. What we're going to do is internalize a model of someone who is consistently emotionally empathetic. Now it doesn't have to be someone who actually exists. In fact, it's often better. The Buddha in the Buddhist practice it was called Sila Nusati and Deva Nusati, which were associated with visualizing divine spirits that loved and protected you.

In twelve step recovery, what is that new attachment figure that we generate? Does anybody know? Jesus. God. Yeah. God is simply an attachment figure. And all healing work, whether it's with a therapist or whether it's meditation or whether it's meeting with a friend or a sponsor is about changing the images.

Creating a new attachment figure and an attachment figure that is loving, that is predictably soothing. The cornerstones of secure attachment are four. They are someone who's reliably attentive. someone who is empathetic no matter what you disclose. They don't lead with judgment. They lead with understanding. Someone is soothing when your nervous system goes up into distress, they can down regulate you. And someone who just expresses delight in your growth.

And cr tragically, the one that generally is the one we almost We don't get the most on average. I don't know if there's such a study, but uh Elliot and others said that the one that's tragically least prevalence. in most households is expressed delight. Parents are so stressed by getting their children to school, paying bills, keeping a roof over their head, making dinner, getting the child to the dentist appointment.

that they never have the energy or rarely have the energy to stop and simply convey absolute delight in that child's existence. But if we don't get that expressed delight in our relationships and our childhood and the important connections of our life, we don't internalize that positive feeling.

about our sense of self. So what we're going to do is visualize any figure that is the exemplification of kindness A ten you know, empathy, soothing, and appreciation. We're literally going to generate a new attachment figure in our brains. And then we're going to s just try to expand that feeling throughout our entire body.

I hope that made sense. If it doesn't, maybe the meditation will be helpful. Then there'll be time for questions. So we're just gonna right now do a practice where we're gonna put all of these ideas into So find a really comfortable seated position. Uh, it doesn't have to be. I would encourage to try a spirit that has a sense of another mind that is capable of understanding your mind because the The core of one of the the great um psychologists, um I don't remember his name, Peter, Peter Peter.

Anyway, uh he came up with this, you know, all the insights on mentalization, which is the sense that someone else's mind understands how we feel. So if you visualize a dog or a cat or, you know, some other species or something that doesn't have a mind that can understand the complexity of yours. then you probably won't be getting the fullness of the exercise. I'm not saying dunk, but I would encourage trying to conceive of a mind that can appreciate your internal state.

Does that make sense? Yeah. Okay. Good. So just finding a really comfortable s position. You don't have to worry about having a straight upright back, none of that stuff. What's most important is that you feel comfortable.

And you just want to close your eyes because that will make it easier to focus your attention on, you know, your gut feelings. And tonight's practice is all about the way we feel. About ourselves. So, to get to a place where we can start to create a new internal representation and a new feeling about ourselves.

We need to first just release all of the momentum busyness that has Essentially uh Built up in our bodies, you know, throughout the course of our days, our shoulders start to tense, our stomachs naturally become uh more contracted. We have an energy of rushing from one appointment to another. And so what we want to do is just get our bodies to a state of Landing in this moment was at any or with very little karmic.

momentum from the past. Way we do this is just first breathe into your eyes and soften the muscles around your eyes so your eyes feel like they're floating in warm pools of liquid. And then breathe into the lower portion of your face so that you can just feel. All your attention go in there and release any clenching in your jaw. If whatever expression feels most soothing for you right now.

For some it might be just a Just an expression on your face that feels most comfortable for you without any concern about how you look. And then bring bringing your attention to the chest. And as you breathe in, lift your shoulders, rotate them back, and just drop them. Keep If you pull them s ever so slightly back so that it opens up a lot of space in your chest for the breath.

And then as you breathe into your belly just Imagine you're pulling in your breath through your ab by your abdomen abdomen is pulling into your inhalation, so it's expanding. its fullest and then as you start to release don't push out your breath. Just allow your belly to soften slowly. Just feeling the space in your abdomen, making sure there's nothing that feels tight, contracted.

And then finally clench all of the muscles in your legs, from the buttocks to the thighs, calves, the toes, squeeze them, then release. Allow yourself to sink without any reservation into your cushion or chair. Just allow whatever you're seated on to bear the full weight. Nothing in you has to contract anymore. Nothing has to work. And we want to have a nice long exhalation that feels really soothing. Exhalations Actually are associated with increased parasympathetic or relax digest.

Whereas fast inhalations are associated with arousal. So that's fine if we're engaged in physical activity, but when you're trying to relax. You want to place the emphasis on the exhalations and extend them as long as you can. So just cultivate a breath for a little while that Not only relaxes your body but also relaxes your mind. You can experiment, but I'll give you a hint. The slower A more Full the in-breath and the longer and complete.

So at this point First invite you to visualize Some situation in where you're helpful to someone else. This could be a real Event or memory of someone you took the time to call, check in with, support. Encourage, care for If nothing comes to mind, that's fine. Just visualize someone that you would like to support, take care of, help, real or imaginary. Just visualize if you can. or a sense of what that would be like, what that was like. showing up for someone.

See if you can find a feeling of In your body of warmth, ease. Maybe a sense of the energy moving up in your body or sense of a sudden. Change in the way Your head feels So much of feelings are just senses that we can't necessarily pinpoint, but we can f we know they're there. See if you can find in your body What we could call the foundations of pride, pride in a healthy sense of. feeling good for being helpful. And then whatever you feel, any sense of Esteemed.

No matter how little seed you can spread it through your body. Bring up more images of yourself doing things that have been beneficial for others. You can visualize other activities that are really associated with your highest sense of self. Something that you feel good about. Just visualize and see if you can locate again feelings of confidence, pride, esteem, worthiness. Maybe in the chest, maybe in the expression on your face.

And just try to really Encourage that feeling to expand throughout your body. And then no matter how little or much you've evoked a feeling of goodness, now change the image in your mind to one of yourself. Today, or as a child, and just link that internal representation with this feeling. This feeling of being worthy, lovable, caring. This feeling of being kind.

And now bring another figure in, a figure that is associated with unconditional friendliness. It could be an image of Someone real? It could be an image that you construct entirely. It could be an image of Mr. Rogers. Yeah. Or Kate Blanchett or Thank you. Nina Simone. And just have this figure look with unconditional kindness, appreciation. at either directly at you or uh the image of your inner child. Up to you. Do whatever you need to do to keep the feelings in your body. comfortable, useful.

If it's possible to Evoke an expression on your face of One of worthiness. Comfort with ourselves. Just link this feeling with the image of yourself, either today or as a child. If it helps put a hand on your heart center. Find that warmth of being held if you want two hands. Just feel the warmth on your heart and just associate that feeling of love and safety again with the image you're holding in your mind of yourself. Well when you're ready you can

Just slowly let the image of yourself, if you've sustained it, slowly, allow it to fade. Try to continue. Just feeling comfortable in your own skin. Taking your time. And as slowly as you need, just begin the process of reacquainting yourself with the room around you.