#155: The Only Way to Confidence is Through Fear: 3 Principles

Have you ever had something challenging that you wanted to complete? Maybe engaging, finishing a project or writing something and publishing it, sending it out to your friends? Well, if you're like me, which I bet many of you are, I can make

all kinds of excuses not to get it done. And I rationalize it, saying that if I only prepare a little bit more, if I only get a little more information, do a little more research, refine my skills more, then I'll be ready and I'll feel like getting it done and launched. And that's a problem. For where your fear lies, there lies your task. I'm engaging in focusing on fear, letting that fear get in the way. But I'm rationalizing it, and I'm not even saying it's actually fear.

So today we're going to talk about that. We're going to talk about the only way to confidence is through fear. Three principles to keep in mind that'll motivate you to push through. We can become grateful for our fears because they show us the work that we still need to do. I have this whiteboard that I've shown hundreds of clients over the past decade. I call it dcg, and

the D stands for decide. So if you visualize this on a whiteboard, if you're watching the video, you're going to see this actually illustrated. The decision is something you commit to. You decide that you want to do something, you want to make some calls, you want to grow your business, you want to start a new relationship. Once you decide, then after that decision is made, it's not going to be all

roses. You're going to have to have courage to push through, or else it wasn't a courageous decision in the first place. Now, if you're a great bowler and you decide to go bowling, then you're really not doing anything courageous. Now, if you're Adam, who's not a good bowler, who wants to become a good bowler potentially, maybe in the winter months here in Wichita, then I'm going to have to have courage to. To grow that skill. So it's courageous for me. It wouldn't be

necessarily courageous for you. So you decide, and then you have to have courage. And then behind that courage is fear and uncertainty because you haven't done it before, because you don't know what the results are going to be, because you won't have any evidence that you can even do it well yet. Yet is the key question. So. And then you push

through that fear and uncertainty because you have courage. Then on the other side of that is where you grow confidence is where you see you have new capabilities, is where you uncover talents you didn't actually know you had. You grow as you push through the fear. The only way to confidence is through fear. And this creates this DCG cycle. You decide you have courage, and then you grow. And then you grow and you gain the new capabilities and

new confidence. By the end of this episode, you're going to be energized, knowing that you. You can push through and that the good stuff is on the other side. The new relationships, the increased revenue, the better health, the new talents, the confidence, the belief in yourself. The good stuff is as you push through, it can become a lifestyle you're going to see today, that you can do some things, take some specific actions

to grow. So I faced a fear recently. I invited two friends to play golf, two of which I don't believe I had ever played golf with them before. I know I hadn't played golf with them before. Invited them, they said, yes, we played golf. Both were much better golfers than myself. It was a lot of fun. Just played nine holes. So I'm your host, Adam Gragg. I'm a legacy coach and a family therapist. And my passion in life is teaching people and organizations, inspiring them to live with courage,

relationships. That's where it's at. That's where most of this fear comes from. That's what we need to face. Fear is so deceptive and cunning, and we can rationalize it, justify it, minimize it, holds us back. Have you seen this in your clients? Have you seen this in yourself where you get stuck in. In ruminating, in talking yourself out of why you can't do it and saying, I want to get healthier. But then once you've, maybe you've even made the decision.

But after that, all these excuses, you know, I don't want to work out this way. If the weather's not good, I'm not going to run. If my friend can't work out, I'm not going to work out. It's too expensive to go to the gym. It takes too much time. All these things start to cripple you, and it's all fear. If you recognize it as fear, as fear, you're going to have space from it and more power over it. Three principles to keep in mind. Principle number one is that you'll never feel

ready. You can grasp that, you can come to terms with that. You can choose to accept the fact that you're never going to feel ready. And there's a big difference between not Being prepared and, and being over prepared. Fear drives us to do both. Not preparing at all. Fear driven. We procrastinate over preparing. We become perfectionistic. There's that fine. There's that amazing space where you know

that you could be more prepared. You've done your work and you're choosing to step forward through the fear, knowing that there's uncertainty and there's fear. That's the kind of courage of the DCG model. You will have at times a burst of motivation to do something, and that's great. But ultimately that motivation is going to wane because it's based on dopamine. It's based on this chemical reaction that gives us this energy to get something done.

That's a great thing. And you're going to have that at times. But what's better than motivation is discipline. It's you recognizing that you don't feel ready, but you're going to do it anyway because it's in your calendar. You've made a commitment to it, to other people. You've made a commitment to yourself. And you're choosing to lock yourself in your office or get up out of bed when you know you're miserable in the cold because you've made a commitment

and you know that you're not going to feel ready. Sure, you can be more ready and maybe you need to get. Be more prepared. Maybe that's one of the challenges for you. But this discipline is your friend. I had a friend who shared with me some insecurities that he has as a boss in holding his team accountable. And he told me over the weekend, I just don't know why I can't get over this. I don't know why I'm always stuck on what they

think about me. And I, and I hold back and I don't have the conversations. And then it's the same old thing again and again. And the conversation went something like this. I mean, have you scheduled in situations where you have an opportunity to connect in a way where you could share some feedback with them, what are you doing to prepare for those conversations in advance? We had that talk. And so he, in his case, can be more prepared for those

interactions. He can write down some thoughts and express, get down. What is the situation he wants to address as a boss to hold his team accountable. But ultimately he had. And he must recognize that he's never gonna feel completely ready for me. I know that I can get to a place where it's a seven and I can launch it. I'm not gonna feel ready But I'm gonna get feedback still from it. I'm gonna feel good launching it. There is a dopamine hit.

Sharing a new podcast or sharing a new piece of content that's been written, that's exciting. But I have to still recognize and accept that I'm not ever going to feel totally prepared. So that's my challenge to you. Resolve that you'll never feel completely ready and accept that as fact and use that as something that motivates you to be disciplined in the face of not actually feeling ready. So second principle, knowing that we have to push through our fears in order to grow,

that's how we gain confidence, is through fear. Is principle number two. Scheduling your fears is necessary? Yes. I mean those tasks

and situation, like my buddy Allen's talks with his coworkers, the people he supervises, put it in the schedule so that you are less likely to make excuses because it's there. Less likely to not say that you forgot or not say you didn't have time or not say that it didn't happen because it was crowded out by other things on your schedule. No, there's no excuse because you put it in

your schedule. There are emergencies that come up. People show up to work because it's scheduled and they want a paycheck and they don't want to lose their job. People show up to weddings and funerals because they put it in their schedule. Or life events like graduations or even fun things that they have playing with their friends, like golfing. They put it in their schedule. They have

a tee time. They know that other people are counting on that tee time and so they reorient the rest of their schedule in the day so they can make that specific thing work out. That's what happens when you schedule a workout in the morning. You may be like myself. I'm sure you can relate to this, that if that's on your schedule. So to go to the gym, then you may hopefully be thinking about that at the end of the day. When am I going to go to bed? What am I going

to do in the morning at my workout? Who am I going to meet there? Maybe I can invite somebody to meet there because it's in your schedule. Maybe it's a last minute invitation to a friend who's been talking about going to the gym, but he makes excuses as well. So you say, hey, I'm going

at 6, you can join me. If not, even if he says no, you're probably 10 times more likely to make it to the gym because you told Somebody about it. Big time stuff right here. So scheduling it is necessary, that is necessary for you to start facing your fears. I would encourage you to start by scheduling when you're going to wake up and when you're going to go to bed, and then also scheduling for the week when you're going to get exercise and then putting in some of these tasks that you're afraid

of that you can plug in. Is it having tough conversations with your co workers? Is it making sales calls? Is it reaching out to family that you love and care about, but you're not making an effort to reach out to them? Schedule it, because those may be some of your fears as well. Those connections with your friends, those connection times with family could very much be strong fears for you. Put it in the schedule. Hang out with your wife, watch

TV at night. Maybe you're learning how to interact in a different way, connecting in a different way, and it's on the schedule, so. But that anticipation will also add opportunities for you to be more excited about these events in your life as well. One of my favorite interview questions I was having hanging out with a buddy who runs a division at a company locally on Saturday we were talking and it was at a restaurant place and you know, we were just, just having a good

time. And there were other people around us as well because it was a coffee shop type like setting, you know, chairs around. And so other people were listening in on our conversation. And one of the topics of the conversation was our favorite interview questions to ask people. And he had his. And it was like, yeah, he had his question and I thought about mine. And one of my favorite interview questions relates to discipline and other people because it's a very attractive quality. So

it has to do with hobbies and interests. And I'm really interested in that about them. But one of the things I'm picking up, something I pick up from that question is their level of discipline in their life. So they tell me that one of their hobbies

is running or cycling. And I ask them how they do that, when do they fit that in and you get a sense of their level of discipline because those things that they're even excited about, they've had to schedule that in order to make that a part of their daily or weekly lifestyle. And that's the same thing they're scheduling in something that they're probably going to be afraid of at certain times.

Maybe they're not afraid of a run 4 mile run, but running 10 miles with some other people they're afraid of because they Might not be as fast or they might have an outfit that's not as cool as other people they're running with. I don't know what it is for them, but it could trigger some fear. If they schedule it, you're less likely to talk yourself out of it, big time stuff. And if you schedule it, you are less likely to be able to blame it on your feelings. Because those feelings are connected

to our fears as well. Fear of change, fear of being judged, fear of not performing up to to our standards, fear of letting ourselves down and having to learn something new because we're not as good as we want to be at something, but we're challenging ourselves to grow. That's crucial. That's for me. I like yoga and I do not like yoga. It's a love hate relationship. And when I have it in my schedule and I work out, sometimes after work and sometimes in the morning,

morning is ideal. But I see that yoga class in my schedule and if it's after work, well, I know that in my head I'm going to have all kinds of different thoughts. You know, you don't have time for this, it's all sweaty in there and you got other things you need to get done this evening. It's not good to do yoga after you eat dinner. I don't know the excuses are going to come, but I also have things, this battle in my mind saying you're going to feel great afterwards, you meet nice people there,

you're going to feel good physically. Tomorrow's going to be a better day. And which one wins kind of depends on the day and it depends on the consistency and it depends on whether I'm looking at that schedule or not. But having it in that schedule makes me more likely to actually go to a yoga class. And two a week is my goal. It helps me to, if it's in the morning, get up on time because I'm starting to think about that class the next day. You focus on the schedule in

advance. So principle number three related to remembering that the only way to confidence is through fear. Third principle is that you want to remember how you will feel after you, you face that scary thing in your life, how you will feel after. And being able to grasp that is going to motivate you to push through the fear. Because that reward becomes bigger, it grows.

It's not nearly as ambiguous because you remember I felt really great there and I do that with my own business recently, over the last two years. I didn't do this in the past, which is the partially Why I was struggling. I had a lot of things that kept me and held me back from growing. A lot of fear, basically. But recently I spend more time focusing on the good things as Decide youe Legacy grows that are gonna come about. I can hire new people which can help them provide for their

families. I'll meet new people and I like people. I have more people around and it's a more social environment. I meet new clients and I get to see client successes. And that always feels really cool when they're excited about the progress that they're making through coaching. I get to increase revenue and then give pay raises and bonuses and maybe even, well, I shouldn't say maybe have a new office in the future that has technology that I want and has. Not that I have

a great office now and have a great team now. So I'm not trying to say I don't appreciate them by any means, but to grow and provide better benefits and to increase the reach the people we get to help. And I feel it's like when I get that positive feedback from clients, I feel like, wow, this is our purpose. This is amazing. So that's so encouraging. If I motivate, if I can focus on how I'm going to feel, then it's not nearly as painful to

push through the fear. I mean, it still is, but it's worth it because of all the potential benefits on the other side. And it may not go well. It may not be exactly how I want it to be. In fact, it's never gonna be perfect. It's always gonna have some messiness to it. Yet I'm still gonna grow if I push through the fear, regardless of what that outcome is. I recently had a call

to somebody that I was thinking about the call and I was prepared for it, but actually after it was done, I'm like, gosh, why did I say that? You know, why didn't I ask these questions and why did I say that? Because I don't know if I'll have a chance to interact with this person. It was like a chance to talk to somebody that I don't communicate with a lot. And I look back too, and say I really wasn't as prepared as I wanted to be in the interaction.

And as I look back on it, reflecting now, it's kind of easy to see I grew from that. I know right afterwards I just sat in my chair for like three minutes before I went and talked to one of the people on my team, trying to get some encouragement. And I like every interaction to go well, don't we all? I mean, we all want to have positive interactions, but it didn't go as well as I wanted it to be, as well as I wanted it to go. But

I learned from it and it's helping me to grow. When you focus on how you feel afterwards, you're going to find that the emotions you start to feel even then are going to be more empowering as you focus on it. You can help yourself and you can own your own emotional state. In fact, it'll give you some sense of excitement. At least it does for me. When I realize how I'm going to feel after I push through and have that

hard conversation. I find that when and I do this with my team and we focus on our 10 year vision as a company, when we focus on reaching these goals towards our 10 year vision, when we take the time to start a meeting reflecting on these aspects of the business, our values and our, our aim, our mission, that is motivating not just to me, but to the whole team. We're remembering why we do what we do.

And you can do that for yourself and you can do that and start training yourself to do it consistently and you'll have more and more of this DCG growth that I'm talking about here. You talk about the successes that happen with your team. Again, that's tapping into the motion, the emotion, so you can motivate. As I've learned from Jonathan Haight and Guy,

that is my coach as well, his name's Dan. We talk about sometimes that we have our, this metaphor of a rider on an elephant and then a path for the elephant, the rider on the elephant, little guy, tiny guy, he's, he's the rational mind. He represents the rational mind. The elephant represents the emotional mind. Our amygdala, how fired up we can get when we're scared. We can just want to run and that elephant's going to go wherever it wants to go. And the path

is environmental factors. You have influence over your rational

mind which can help the elephant and you have influence over by, by tapping into the emotion, you can motivate the elephant and then you can shape the path by having a schedule, you can shape the path

by having accountability. You can shape the path by getting training. You can shape the path by remembering models that keep you focused, by focusing on, you can shape the cognitive mind, that writer, the rational mind, by getting more information, getting factual information about the situation that can help you to see that you can make it through this difficult situation because the facts are on your Side Facts are not feelings. Facts are facts. They stand on

their own. Feelings can be based on facts and they can be based on lies. They can be based on our past. We want to be able to be really careful with that. I know a situation that happened for me years ago when I was in college is I liked this galaxy and I didn't really know her. And so I convinced the pledges in the fraternity to go on Valentine's Day and give her a rose from me. And they did. You know, I was a junior and they were pledges

and so they went down to their Monday night dinner at the sorority. She was in the DG fraternity. Sorority. I was in the Fidel fraternity in University of Oregon. And they brought her this rose. And then she came back. I was kind of terrified by it because I'd never done something like this before. And the pledges came back and said, oh, she liked the rose, you know, and the other girls liked the rose. And then I was going to call this gal and back then we used the phone and

there was actually no cell phone. So we called the sorority house telephone to connect with the girls in the sorority. So I called that phone, tried to reach her and I wasn't able to get through. And but the interesting thing about that is it took me probably two weeks to make that phone call. I picked up word that this gal had a boyfriend. And I remember thinking, I'm not going to call her, I'm not going to call her. Or I wanted to call her. I wanted. She seemed interested

and I don't know where. Her boyfriend wasn't at the school, he was in another state. I remember clearly the guy was. Her boyfriend was in Nevada. I remember that. But I remember just ruminating on this. I don't know if I can call, if I should call. I can't call, I'm going to get rejected. And I waited and waited and waited and missed an opportunity to connect with somebody. And that's been my life in a number of situations, especially

regarding dating, regarding women. And I blame that on going to an all boys high school. So especially where I just think and think and think and it's misery. That's what that's suffering right there. You're stuck. But then I

remember, even if I had this model on right now, I would remember that, just making the call and asking her to go get coffee and going and connecting with her. And eventually when I made the call, she said she would go get coffee with me, but I never took her up on it because I couldn't take this boyfriend thing out of my mind. Very

silly stuff. I shouldn't have taken it so seriously. But that to me is an opportunity that I had to apply and I could have applied DCG and grown, but I missed that opportunity. Don't miss these opportunities you have in your life to grow because they're there every day for you. So the only way to confidence is pushing through fear. Number one. First principle resolve to the fact that you will never feel ready. Second principle schedule the fear

into your life. It's necessary to do so. And the third is to remember how you will feel afterwards because that will motivate you to to push through. So if you found this podcast helpful, check out Shatterproof yourself. These are seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health. This course you purchase

and go through. There's a community that you can engage in. I had a live Q and A today and I did a live coaching session today that was super fun and I went through content Special content just for these very special subscribers to the side youe Legacy community. There's a. There's a manual that goes with it. This is my best content worksheets I've been using with clients for 20 plus years and you have access to it. Lifetime access to this content and it's one of the sections

is on owning your emotions which is what we're talking about today. So hit the link. Check out Shatterproof. Seven small steps to a giant leap in your mental health and the community as well. There's no positive change without a decision to change. You decide your legacy. You make the decision. Your legacy depends on you acting on doing something. And nothing will make my day better than knowing you have taken some action on this content based on this content. Take action

and follow me. Subscribe and leave a rating and review on Apple, Spotify wherever you get your podcast content that helps it to grow organically. To decide means that you are eliminating other options. Your legacy is the impact that your life has on other people. In closing, I want to close today the way I always do. Live the life today that you want to be remembered for 10 years after you're gone. You decide your legacy. Nobody else. I appreciate you greatly and I'll see you next time.